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The Brute Man

Creeper, Creeper, Creeper, YOU GIVE ME THE CREEPS!
There are certain elements in a movie that shine out and make that particular movie, how ever bad, memorable. I believe every bad movie has something so unnecessarily over the top it renders the rest of the plot pale in comparison. That element in the "Brute Man" was the lovable old shopkeeper. His utter loathing and distain for the delivery boy was charming in it's unreasonableness. It makes one wonder why the old man's character was written the way it was. Jimmy's only desire was to be a good worker and a friendly voice to the man whose life seemed so bitter and empty. The reaction when Jimmy wanted to start a conversation with his employer (NOW HURRY UP WITH THAT STUFF!!) was so funny even Mike in the MST3K version lost it and started laughing. Jimmy should have called OSHA. Oh yeah, the main character…the so-called Brute man. Hal wants revenge (on everyone) because Cliff, in a third person kind of way, messed up his face. Seriously, that's it. There's a blind lady who befriends him because she can't see. Everyone else, in true 40's style distain for anything not `normal', is afraid of Hal…cuz he's so damn ugly. Cliff's vapid wife Virginia, who spent her formidable years in college only to get a job wondering around her house as a good docile trophy wife, seemed to have been a catalyst in the whole Chemistry-gate affair that ruined Hal's chances of making People's Sexiest Man Alive honor. A joy to watch. I guess.

Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell

Potatoes are what WE eat!
I didn't even know that there was a Deathstalker I or II! But does it even matter. Deathstalker is one smarmy b***ard and he likes it to be known. Shameless acting, overacting, and super triple hamming it up makes the movie kind of funny on it's own. Watching it on MST3K makes it all the better. If you don't see it on MST, forget it!

All About the Benjamins

yep, that was one loud yawn. in this horrid little piece of celluoid i can see the beginning of a new generation of blaxploitation movies. only instead of people with huge afros going on about "jive turkeys" we hear from people with cornrows (Ice Cube's wearing really bad extentions in this flop) bouncing around saying things like "bling bling" and it's well..."all about the bengamins". looking for a plot are you? why would this movie need one, it had money, flashy cars, flashy apartments, flashy slang, flashy women (only acessories of course), sports endourcements, guns guns and more guns, that guy cicero from gladiator, and rap stars out the ying yang. mike epps once again plays the loud mouth "brotha" from the streets who's a con man...suprised. his "antics" get so annoying by the end of the movie you have to fight yourself to keep from throwing your television out the window. i'm suprised that a movie about nothing more than deep unfettered avarice could be taken very seriously. there was some schlock about a lotto ticket and diamonds but who really cares, pass this one up and go read a book instead.


fair is foul and foul is fair
ok, so the movie (for 1960's russia) isn't all that poorly made. the story is based on a fairytale, understandable. but damn if it isn't the most bizarre bit of film i've ever seen! i LOVED the MST3K version because mike and the bots seemed just as bewildered at the strangeness of this movie. it is very funny even though i don't think it meant to be.

Ein Toter hing im Netz

oh yeah, the quicksand...remember?
first off, we have to expect this movie would be is being riffed on MST3K, otherwise i doubt any normal simbiote would ever come across it. and true this movie is bad, VERY bad but it has it's (unintentional) moments that make it very funny. of course you know, from reading the other comments. a group of dancers start off from LA and from NY they try to make it to singapor...they crash, but unfortunetly they don't die. there's a spider, somewhere...they say you can see it if you squint. and there's misogyny a-go-go in this horrible movie but here are some parts that will surely make you laugh your Netz off.

1- the ballet dancer's audition. gary's doesn't want her but his simpering transistion lens wearing partner tells her he has something for her anyway (crow: lunch and gossip!).

2- landing on the island. gary, taking the man's role, carries each and every woman from the little raft to shore then finds water and tries to call the girls over "water! come on! come on! come on!" (mike and the bots: COME ON!!!) gary also tells them when to stop drinking water, when to eat and when to sleep. he is the man after all.

3- the women's attitudes of helpless aggression. despite the fact that they can't do anything without gary's supervision they fight over...well everything and nothing. BTW babs is huge, even for germany!

4- bobby attacks one of the girls...gladis i think her name is, and she falls madly in love with him. duh. they get killed anyway so who cares.

all in all, this movie had it's funny points but as always MST3K makes it all better.

Glen or Glenda

Pull the string! Pull the string!
surpisingly the best actor in the movie was ed wood himself. i first saw the movie before seeing "ed wood" the burton movie. when i first saw it i thought it was total crap. after seeing a little background info about the movie and ed wood himself, i understood it more after i watched it again. wood was kind enough to write his ailing friend bela out, he was given a project and decided to use it to express his own tranvestism, which in the conformist world of the 50's was unheard of. there was the trademark moronic ed wood dialogue, strange inane, and misplaced scenes (50's S+M why??), horrible use of stock footage, and haphazard editing, but who cares, right? it was almost hard to believe that this actually was a real movie. i loved the devil guy. let's put it this way, don't try to take the movie too seriously, and being under the influence of something will probably make your viewing experience a lot more fun.

Night Train to Mundo Fine

no i will NOT make the knee test
i knew i was in for it when i heard john carradine belting out the soulful theme song. i really felt remorse for the MST3K crew. i mean they had to actually watch this, probably several times without hearing their own hiliarious comments. us MST fans should really concider sending them flowers or something. it was so confusing i had to watch it several times before i could laugh. anyway, coleman francis is at his toughest, pushing around those smaller than him, in this rip roaring adventure. three ex-cons join up with a small (and privately funded?) army or national guard or marines or what ever preparing to fight "cubans" being led by a man with wool taped to his face (castro?). cherokee jack flies them from new mexico to new mexico for their 12 hours of extensive training. their mission soon begins with them landing in new mexico, wait, i mean cuba...yeah cuba. a whole confusing series of events ensues, justine gets gangrine, people get lined up in front of a firing squad, just to get pain thrown in their faces, a clever plan involving "wata" gets them out and back to new mexico to mine for tungsten they heard about from justine. they toss a helpless old man down a well or something, steal a few cars, and search for justine's tungsten mine...then, like the brave men they are, they shoot his wife. the movie ends with some line about running to hell with a penny and a broken cigarette. by the end of this movie, believe me, you'll wish you were in hell. next time you're in suncoast ready to buy a brand new episode of MST3K, pick this one up. oh yeah, there's a great short involving speech and posture. if the movie really gets you down, you could always put your hands on your knees and swivel. i'm cherokee jack.

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