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Killer Joe

Misogynist porn.
6.8 is the rating this got at the time of this review. This is a reminder of how F-ED UP people are today. Yep. Much of the "human" race needs to be "cleansed." There are a lot of guys out there who love to see women humiliated and treated badly in porn. After the way Creepy Joe treats Juno Temple's character I was thinking this is the most misogynistic thing I have ever seen...(BEFORE the chicken leg scene I thought this.) The message was clear: women like to be ordered around. Just make them scared and they will fall in love with you. (In reality a normal woman would just attack you or run away because they'd think you're a rapist.) Well, let's up it a notch then and give you something 10 times more misogynistic: The scene where Gina Gershon is forced to give a blowjob to a chicken leg. WELL DONE. Now it's not just creepy, it's officially misogynist porn. But, you know she "deserved" it for cheating on her husband and trying to scam money. The message: Women are snakes. Later, Dottie panics and starts shooting random people in her family for no reason. The message: Women are dumb. Gina and Juno should be ashamed for humiliating themselves like this and for contributing to this asshole mentality. In a way it's worse than porn because more people will see it. Now, for the other reason why this movie was brought down to a 1/10. They bring the movie up to a climax and then: black screen. Why? You don't stop reading a book in the middle of a cliffhanger and then just chuck it into a fire do you? (Not that I think the ending they would have come up would have been any great loss.)


Ka-writer takes a poop in your eyes.
There are 3 reasons why you would want to watch this movie: 1. To see gay pretty boys making out. 2. To see Juno Temple's tits. 3. Because you really like movies that seem like they're going somewhere and then devolve into cheesy drug-induced bullshit. If all movies were like this then I'd beg somebody to blow up our planet. If you want to make a movie that's like a dream, or based on a dream, fine. But polish it up a bit and make it interesting. A truly great movie makes you think about it afterwards. All this made me think was "That was pointless." Araki is confusing random stupid crap with creativity and when I see something like this... I think that it would be impossible for somebody who thought this would be a good movie to ever actually make a good movie.

The FP

Welcome to the FP, b****
The good: this movie has some very enthusiastic performances and probably good directing in order to get those performances. The movie LOOKS good. Lee Valmassy's performance was especially energetic: great character acting. The bad: it's not very funny. I'm going to tell you a joke now, and if you like this joke then you'll probably like the FP (IF you can understand the dialogue... I had to turn on captions to understand it.) Ready for the joke? Here it comes... "blowjob". If that made you "lol" then you're probably mostly illiterate and not even reading this review. This movie is as funny as the word blowjob but not nearly as funny as the word "boners". On the other hand if you like bright colors and people moving around and swearing, then this is one of the many movies just for you. Do I regret watching this film? Not really. It gives you the impression that something really funny is coming up just around the corner. The funniest joke in this movie was the one about the ducks... and that wasn't even worth a chuckle... and they used it twice. If you want something with white homeboys that's slightly funnier... (you know, with jokes and stuff) then I recommend the Ali G movie. MUCH MUCH funnier than this.

An Na yu wu lin

Not the worst thing I've ever seen. But I don't recommend.
People are complaining about the fighting? It's just about the only decent thing about this movie... (That and Anna's cuteness. Miriam has such cute eyes and lips.) There were a few backflip kicks and helicopter kicks and flying by spinning horizontally through the air. Interesting to see but not at all realistic. I don't think a lot of these moves would really help you in a fight if somebody could actually pull them off... probably would be a waste of energy. There are a lot of things that I hate about this move but a good 2/3rds of the fight scenes were alright. And I actually laughed when the brash American stereotype came out and insulted Chinese kung fu. The situational comedy portion of this movie seemed like a big waste of time... just wasn't that funny. I guess the thing that annoys me most is the ending. *spoiler* It seemed like she got back together with the guy. Not that I think it's wrong to fall in love with 2 people at the same time... it's just that it was hinted that he had cheated on his girlfriend before. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Sure, he may be devoted to her now, but what happens a year or two down the road when the relationship loses it's passion, as all relationships do? Also not crazy about the rapey way he chose to peck at her face either. Is forcing yourself on someone considered romance in China? And don't get me started on the girlfriend's father. "It's okay if you fool around on my daughter! We're quality men! Ahaha!"

Big Money Hustlas

What this movie needed was more ideas and more planning. There are a couple of scenes in particular that just drag on. First, the fat woman scene. Okay, we get it... you like fat women. The people who would be laughing through this whole scene have got to be both high and retarded. What's the whole joke? She's fat. That's the joke. And we get to watch this disgusting creature jiggle around for I guess about 15 minutes straight. Second, the wrestling scene. Okay, we've all seen wrestling before. Mick Foley's acting was effortless... meaning he put no effort into it. The whole scene seemed very cheap, long, and pointless. But, no they have to show us every move this fat bastard has ever done because it's sooooo funny. It's amazing how John G. Brennan is so great with voices and I'm a fan of the Jerky Boys prank calls but his talents went underused. The Jerky Boys movie got terrible reviews... if you look at the ratings it's rated lower than this... but Jerky Boys was a waaaaaay better movie. It had a better story and it was funnier. I've heard ICP on the old loveline radio show and I think they are capable of being funny... but they chose to go the retarded/silly route. I really hope ICP is ashamed of this pile of crap.

Robot & Frank

Not great.
This movie seemed like it was going to be good. I watched the preview and it made me want to see it. The downside? The preview pretty much gave out anything good that happened in the whole movie. There were no surprises. Halfway through the movie I was thinking, "This is going to be good!" Nothing much happened. Almost no jokes. It was like watching a regular family, only they had a robot... and the father was a thief. Great premise... a lot to work with... didn't go anywhere with it. It just kind of peters out at the end leaving you to think... "What was the point?" Maybe it would have been a better ending if he just went to jail or had a trail or something. Or, they could have gone the emotional route and had something touching happen at the end... nope! Just a boring ending in a movie with not much going on. Whoever made this: next time hire some more writers to fill some of your movie out with some jokes or interesting ideas or SOMETHING, anything!! It's also worth mentioning that the music during the closing credits was THE MOST irritating thing I've heard in years.

The Man with the Iron Fists

Pile on the cheese!
Summary: Asian girls, cheesy dialog, gore, action, stupid plot. There's a character named Jack Knife if that gives you any kind of idea of the degree of cheesiness to expect. If you've seen the preview you've seen all the best action scenes. Literally ALL of them. The characters aren't even 1 dimensional, they're practically zero dimensional. It's impossible to give a fork about any of these characters. The rap music seems out of place and most of the songs are terrible. I do like rap, but this RZA guy has no talent. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is seriously some of the worst rapping I've ever heard. The only rapping I can think of that sounds similar is J-Roc's freestyling (from the Trailer Park Boys). Did Tarantino have a lobotomy that I'm unaware of and become a full fledged retard? This whole thing is so pathetic that it seems like RZA must have had a hand in it because the movie is about as bad as his rapping. I like martial arts movies and I've seen a lot of martial arts movies. So trust me... if you haven't seen this spare your eyes and ears and just watch something else.

The Day

Very bad low budget movie.
"Fight. Or die." It's sad. That this. Movie. Made it to theatres. Because. There are. Low budget. Indie films. That are good. I find it hard to believe that these suicidal retards with seemingly no discernible powers (with the exception of the little girl at the end of the movie) could have taken over the world and sent normal people scurrying in fear. 2 normal people and 1 sick person and 1 "vampire" (or cannibal or whatever) kill about 30 of them with ease. How many of these retards running to their deaths would it take to wipe out the whole U.S. Army? I can think of a few movies where normal people fight evil forces in a house that are better than this. Just off the top of my head: Evil Dead. Demon Knight. Maximum overdrive. John Carpenter's Vampires. Home Alone. I'm sure there are a few hundred more, each more believable and a much better choice than this.

Total Recall

How about some original ideas??
If you're going to remake something; try to make it better in every way. The only way this film is superior to the original is special effects. It starts off good, but the last half of this movie is nothing but linear plot, punches, kicks, and explosions. Regarding the 3 boobed woman: In the original, a 3 boobed woman made sense. On Mars there were a colony of deformed mutants, and she was a mutant prostitute. In this version it doesn't make any sense. Am I to believe that in the future there is actually a demand for a ho who is surgically altered to have 3 tits? Why? And why isn't she with a bunch of other surgically altered prostitutes? Would have been better if it all turned out to be part of his fantasy.

Sucker Punch

Worse than "Showgirls"
I quit watching half way through because I just didn't give a crap about the story. Wait a minute... what story? There is practically NO story. It's just a lot of fancy special effects and a couple of cute girls showing off their bad acting skills and campy poses straight out of Xena: Warrior Princess. It's f-ing stupid!! Half the movie takes place in imaginary world with lots of explosions and jumping around with swords, and the other half is pretty much Showgirls without the nudity. Wow I thought that was big enough but I guess not. Ten lines?! There goes trying to be concise. Thanks a lot IMDb. No wonder most of the reviews here blather on and on and are completely pretentious and unreadable. There just isn't ten lines worth of review in this movie!

The Book of Eli

This is so stupid.
Take a guy who knows nothing about a religion and tell him to make a religious movie that appeals to guys who dress like Limp Bizkit and BAM, you have this movie. This movie has nothing to do with Christianity, in fact it goes against Revelations. The world would be better off without the Bible. The good guy in a movie like this should be trying to destroy the Bible for good. And the bad guy needs "the book" because it has power? What a retard!! Make your own religion, it'd be just as good or better. I mean, seriously... the book of numbers? Unless you really like action there is no reason to watch this movie.

Get Smart

Hated every minute.
Hated it just as I predicted I would when I saw Steve Carell was going to be playing Max. Steve Carell is the biggest douchebag. It's obvious he's trying to do the voice, but he ends up sounding like a robot from an old sitcom. "Danger Will Robinson! This movie sucks!" He even enunciates like a robot. "I-am-max-well-smart. I-am-ay(not ah)-con-trol-a-gent."

10 minutes into it and I desperately wanted to turn it off, thinking OH F***... an hour and half more of THIS! And I should have turned it off, I really should have.

Same bulls*** you see in every modern "comedy" movie that the writers of the original Get Smart wouldn't even touch because it's not funny in the least.

This movie just seems to drag on and on... with the puerile banter that's supposed to be funny (I guess). Max puking all over himself??? DUH HUH HUH... fat guy running into wall... or... me watching him dancing with a fat lady for what seems like a very long time... waiting for something... anything funny to happen... even if it's not that funny... it never happened. Plus tons of Carell's patented deadpan retarded robot. "My buttocks are really stinging." OH! HUHUHUHUHAHAAAA!! What an ass. or "(insert name of gadget), you don't have one of these? hrmmm..." That's funny how?? And they completely misused the original jokes.

Why exactly are they trying to make this show into Mission Impossible or James Bond?? And the touchy feely speech near the end... COME ON!! The humour isn't even similar. Couldn't they just call this movie "Spy Douche" since it has zero resemblance to the old show??

How about this one... Carell: "If you want it you'll just have to take it!" The Rock: "I know that's what I said!" Carell: "I know, I'm just trying to annoy you!" I felt like Steve was talking to me when he said that. At the end of this movie I screamed in frustration. I wish I had never seen this. Next time I'll "Get Smart" and watch the trailer, get my fill of the juvenile one-liners and avoid.

This is what I would call a movie for stupid people. I understand stupid people need to be entertained too, but you stupid people have to leave us smart people with something. Don't go destroying the memory of a genius show like Get Smart.

The Covenant

Lacks substance.
I don't know why I watched this movie. Curiosity I suppose. Another lump of mass produced vomit with no redeeming features whatsoever (except for the naked girl in the shower... YAHOOO!) The story is very straightforward... feels like I've watched it a hundred times already and I probably have.

These guys have power to do all sorts of things, right? So why are their fight scenes limited to throwing invisible balls of force at each other? Let's see something else already. Get some creativity.

Steven Strait has the voice of a person who smokes A LOT of marijuana.

Complete waste of time and/or money.

AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem

Most boring action movie ever made... has no plot, nothing interesting at all. Just predator and alien killing killing killing... not even in interesting ways. The screen is often so black that you wonder why they even bothered to shoot it. I see white dots moving around, could be just about anything. What is up with this movie?? I liked all the other alien movies... predator 1 and 2... just this one and AVP1 sucked ass. Must be by a crappy writer or director. I'm going to make note of who it is so I never have to watch another one of his or her dull movies ever again. And I'll be straight up with you... any movie that has action in it and is remotely watchable, I will watch, and I won't complain... I'll give it 5/10 and I'll say "It's just another movie, I'd watch it again if it were on TV." This movie is TERRIBLE! And why do they have to have a battle on earth?? In the AVP world there are many other planets. So after AVP1, the same ship that left planet earth somehow does a U-turn and ends up crash landing back on earth. It's like they've gone out of the way to make this as boring as possible.

Rocky Balboa

The build up in this movie has got to be the most exciting of the Rocky movies... the ending, however, is a huge let down. I won't go into it further than that for those of you who ignored the spoiler warning... those that have seen it probably know what I'm talking about.

If the ending were different than this would be one of the greatest movies of all time. As it is, it still is a great picture, as are the rest of the Rocky films.

I watched this the same week as a watched DOA... and it really made me realize how stupid those cheesy fake martial arts and hot babe with stories based on a video game movies are. Hollywood tries so hard just to be cool, with fake ninja fighting and techno music, but they really fail at making characters that aren't one dimensional. None of those crap movies will get your adrenaline pumping like this does! When Rocky gets ready to fight you really want the guy to win.

What this movie was missing: in the previous Rocky movies there was always a flurry of blows that just looked devastating... when Rocky gets mad. They could have made one of his flurries about 5 times longer and this film really would have rocked. They had the flashbacks, which were nice, but doesn't make up for what this fight lacks. Also, the fight seemed too short. They showed the first couple rounds, then they flew through like 10 rounds in a few seconds and showed the final round.

4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

This was so lame.
Crummy acting, crap dialogue, and comic inaccuracy. A kid in kindergarten could've made up a better story. This movie sucked from every aspect. Watching Alba doing her mime push was just so lame... "I'm a sthooper hero!" I'm sorry but Alba can't act her way out of a paper bag.

Main gripe is that Galactus didn't look like Galactus and he died waaaaaaay too easily. The writers of this obviously didn't even glance at the comics... though it's hard to believe Stan Lee would have signed off on this load of crap. He's f-ing Galactus! He's WAAAAAY stronger than the Surfer... and he's killed by an explosion that doesn't even wipe the Surfer out for good? What the f*** is this??! And don't you think the Surfer is moral enough to do this as soon as he learns of his true identity? The Surfer isn't so selfish that he would put his life before countless others. This show was so f-ing LAME!!

X-Men: The Last Stand

It was okay...
If I was sitting at home with nothing but this to watch, and it was on TV, I would watch it. This is pretty much how I feel about all dorky action movies. Yet I wouldn't want to be around a person of such immense dorkitude that they would either give this movie a perfect score as if this was the greatest movie in history or the dork who would give this movie a zero based on dorky reasons like comic book inaccuracy. I skimmed some of the 0/10 comments and experienced DORK OVERLOAD!! Some minor gripes of mine (proof of my comic book dorkitude): Colossus is supposed to be from Russia, and yet he doesn't have a Russian accent. Not only that but he only says two words throughout the whole movie!! Unbelievable! It's like they added him in as an afterthought.

Juggernaut doesn't really look like Juggernaut. I understand that you can't reasonably find an actor who is ten feet tall with fists bigger than his head, however movie Juggernaut's helmet looks like it is made out of tin foil. His helmet is supposed to protect him from mental attacks, not protect his good looks... WTF? First, you're not that good looking anyways, Juggernaut, and second, no matter how good looking you are, a tin-foil helmet is going to make you look like a retard. Another Juggernaut gripe is that he is not actually a mutant, he got his powers from the Ruby of Cyttorak. In the comics, his powers are much better than most mutants. He is immune to physical damage and has super strength and stamina. In the movie his power is described as, "Once he gets going, he can't be stopped." Once he gets going?? That is so stupid!! People who don't know the comics (I.E. the director and writers) are going to think that his power has something to do with him running. Also he is supposed to be Charles Xavier's stepbrother who hates him. Would it really take that much time to give him a little background story?? Movie Juggernaut is just some jerk-off that magneto rescues from a truck.

I was surprised in the credits that Jubilee is supposedly in this movie. Yet I never see anything remotely resembling comic book Jubilee. Where is she?? It's a mystery.

One more gripe: When magneto is sending his "pawns" to battle, how is Spike not among their number? Is magneto so senile that he thinks growing two inch spikes all over your body is some kind of killer mutant power? Not often do you see a power that sucky in a movie like this, not often do you see it glorified so. WOW!! He just has to hug people to kill them, that's AWESOME!!

Kelsey Grammar was great as beast, I never would have guessed that was him. He was the perfect choice.

I also thought the scene where wolverine was running through the jungle kicking ass was good because it reminded me of some of the wolverine comics.

Good Night, and Good Luck.

This film makes me hate humanity.
The people portrayed in this movie are not my people. They are grubby little parasites. They sit around discussing things that no person would be interested in unless their jobs depended on it. What can you learn from this movie? You can learn about historical events that are uneventful. What I mean is none of the history in this historical lesson has any real impact except to show you how stupid people were back then. If you want to know that, just look around. People are about as stupid now as they were then. Yes, it does tie into important historical events, but doesn't everything that occurred at the same time and place tie into those events? What bothers me is WHY anybody would think this is worth making a film about OR watching. What boggles me is that very boring people have written unbearably boring reviews ten pages long praising how good this movie is. Wouldn't the person who praises a boring historical film this much be just as happy reading any non-fictional textbook you could find at any public library??

The Most Unromantic Man in the World

Totally not worth watching.
Don't waste your time with this one. It's not funny at all. It's very cheaply done. It's boring. It's stupid. I have watched cheap movies before and have found something interesting in them. This has nothing. The people in this movie REALLY get on my nerves. The main character David gave me enough of England's garbage talk to put me off of British movies for the next few years. They should really put warning labels on movies. "Warning: This movie contains annoying British people. This store is not responsible for any injuries suffered as a result of watching this movie." If I went to England and met people like this I would have snapped and started punching people out the first day. I am never going to England even though it is probable that people there aren't this irritating in real life. A country that makes movies this bad is a country that I don't want to be in. People might think that I am being too judgemental about this, but I can name quite a few crappy movies that came out of England, so it's not just based on this. Harry Potter, Dog Soldiers, the TV show Little Britain, Monty Python and many others. The only thing that came out of England that I liked is Red Dwarf, and that's it. Everything else that I've seen, I've hated.


A real eye closer.
GOD DAMN what a boring movie. Half of this movie is in Arabian, with no subtitles. This is really stupid considering that the movie is playing here in Canada and the US where nobody speaks Arabian!! Get a clue! Get subtitles!! There are two ways you can go about making a movie about the corruption of the oil industry: Either make the movie a documentary, or make the movie interesting. "A real eye-opener" one person said. I can't believe that pretentious BS. First of all, the only people that would say that are people who already know about corruption in the government and the oil industry and their views of this dull excuse for a movie are swayed by their political agenda. Hey, I'm on your side! But I don't think this waste of time and film helps your cause one tiny bit! Secondly, a fictional movie proves nothing. Lastly... some people actually LIKED this?!?! WHY?? I've read some of the positive reviews and I still can't figure it out. Do you think you will be betraying your political viewpoint or something if you say this crappy movie is anything other than crappy? If you pick a movie randomly in the video store with a blindfold on, chances are it will be better than this movie. Reading the blockbuster comments on the movie I read that "It's not about good or evil... as everyone is evil... it's about how far they will go!" Pretty much any movie that has any type of villain in it will be better than this. He could be rubbing his hands together and tying puppy dogs to railroad tracks and it would still be a better movie.


You people... are... INSANE!!!
This movie SUCKED!! The dialog was only half as dorky as "Dungeons and Dragons", the dorkiest movie of all time. Therefore I give it 1/10. "I am a leaf on the wind." "She always loved to dance..." (when talking about something completely unrelated.) The dialog has got to be the absolute worst part about this movie. The second worst thing is that the story is completely uninteresting. The action scenes are third-rate at best. The acting, probably 9th rate, but it's hard to be a good thespian with material this bad. People may say the CGI was good, but there was only one short scene of that which I could remember, and it was not nearly on the same level as some of the movies today.

I love sci-fi. I've read many books in this genre, it is my favorite. I didn't know that this was based on a TV series as I don't watch much TV. If I didn't just learn that I would have sworn it was based on an extremely crappy sci-fi novel. Didn't Joss Whedon also write dialog for Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Now that remark about, "I haven't had anything between my nether regions that didn't have batteries for a year" (paraphrased because I can't remember it perfectly) comment makes sense. It is reminiscent of the embarrassingly sophomoric sputum Willow used to spew every two minutes.

8 out of 10?! For this hunk of crap?! Has the world gone mad?! One thing I don't get is how other movies in the same genre which are far far superior to this one seem to get crappy reviews.

River has to be the most boring psychic ever, and maybe one of the most boring characters ever as well. She couldn't be more boring if this entire movie was about hiding in the basement and eating cheese.

All of the characters suck in their own way, it was like this was written by a twelve year old.

The captain: macho doofus. The pilot: ultra dork. The pilot's wife: super can't act woman. Horny grubby mechanic. And emotionless alien man, who pretends to have feelings. As well as a host of mystical pseudo-wisdom spewers, to give it that extra "ooh i'm being enlightened without actually having to think about anything" feeling.

The assassin was probably the only semi-interesting character. At least until the story unraveled.

Kill Bill: Vol. 2

Are you kidding me??
This movie was a total letdown. I was expecting it to be a lot better because I loved the first one. Vol 1 was awesome. Vol 2 sucked. If Tarantino would have called volume 1 "Kill O-Ren Ishii" and ended it there, I would have been MUCH MUCH happier. This movie wrecks the first one. If I could I would erase it from existence, and then erase everybody's memory of it ever existing. I don't mind there being a bad movie. But when it ruins a perfectly good movie by association, I mind that a lot.

Volume 2 is a complete waste of time... I was so disappointed by this film that I can't even give it more than 1/10.

If they took these two movies and put them together, people would say it's too long and they should just hack off the last one and a half hours, THAT is how bad this movie is compared to the first. It is dead weight.

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