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Reviews

In the Earth
(2021)

Have you ever wanted to punch a movie in the face?
I watch a lot of bad movies. But every once in a while a movie comes along that makes me so angry. A movie that makes me wonder who made it and what were they thinking?

I like weird movies. I like smart, deep and ambitious movies. But this movie is straight nonsense. Utter madness. It's an attempt to be weird and different and out-there without any effort in grounding it in any logic. All abstract with nothing concrete to hold onto. Pretentious to the max.

During this movie, I asked myself the following questions. What is this even about? Can we move forward or have any kind of story progression? What is the point of all this madness? Why is this movie still going? Why am I still watching this? Is there even the slightest chance there will be something redeeming at the end if I wait it out? (No!)

The only things I liked were the cinematography, the atmosphere and a few practical effects. But my anger wouldn't allow me to give this 2 stars. (1 viewing, 1/23/2022)

Ascendant
(2021)

Incoherent
I'm not entirely sure what I just watched. It's almost like an incompetent filmmaker trying to make a Christopher Nolan movie. It tries really hard to do so many things but doesn't succeed at any of them. It really makes no sense.

Things I enjoyed: The movie starts with a ton of intrigue. I really enjoyed the musical score. And there are a few cool ideas and tantalizing visual shots.

But from there it just becomes repetitive and falls flat. There are so many dumb moments. Unless you turn your brain off, you will notice so many inconsistencies and logic flaws. And most of the performances are terrible.

In the end, this had potential but failed to even put together a coherent story, let alone a good overall movie. (1 viewing, 1/23/2022)

SPOILERS

The entire logic of how the Russian guy is trying to get information from Aria is so backwards. In the end she is begging her dad for the info, when we as viewers know that if she gives up that info, her dad will be killed and most likely her as well.

Could they have made it any more obvious that Uncle Jack wasn't really Uncle Jack?

There is so much more to question or ridicule. But the last thing I absolutely cannot get over is the magical voice changer that can somehow mask a heavy Russian accent. Give... me... a... break.

Separation
(2021)

Garbo
Poorly made movie all around. I could tell it was bad early on. It had trouble keeping me invested. Other than a few creepy shots there isn't much of value from a horror perspective. (1 viewing, 1/22/2022)

SPOILERS

The only thing I liked is a pretty cool twist. But it was terribly executed with them completely giving it away a couple minutes before the reveal. It could have been a huge moment in a better movie.

Cosmic Sin
(2021)

Why wasn't this a big budget movie?
I feel like 2 stars is generous because this movie is really bad. Low quality on every level. But I'm a self-proclaimed sci-fi junky and I enjoyed all of the sci-fi elements and concepts. Everything else is laughable.

This is the kind of premise that will always get me to watch a movie. I just don't understand why it didn't attract a studio that could have turned this into a big budget blockbuster. In the right hands it could have been an awesome sci-fi action flick, something along the lines of Edge of Tomorrow. But instead we get this direct-to-video garbage. (1 viewing, 1/21/2022)

Midnight in the Switchgrass
(2021)

Half-decent DTV movie
As a direct-to-video movie, this is far from the worst I've seen. I could tell it wasn't the best quality, but I was invested and never bored. There are some weird moments and things that don't really work. But at the same time, there is some good tension and a surprising amount of emotion. I definitely didn't hate watching this. (1 viewing, 1/18/2022)

Tom & Jerry
(2021)

For children
I'm not sure what portion of my dislike for this movie comes from it being bad, and how much comes from being too old for Tom and Jerry. But I've liked other kids movies (Sonic, Despicable Me's, Lego/Batman movies).

I used to watch Tom and Jerry as a child. But I've grown to hate slapstick comedy. Even so, this is at best a mediocre movie that only children will enjoy. I laughed only a few times, but I was mildly amused for most of it. My favorite part of this movie is Michael Pena. (1 viewing, 1/17/2022)

Voyagers
(2021)

Good sci-fi flick
As a sci-fi junky, I had a good time with this movie. I was invested throughout and never bored. It's generally well-made with some cool ideas and sci-fi aspects. The social commentary they are going for is a bit tired but conveyed well. (1 viewing, 1/17/2022)

Locked In
(2021)

Even the title is incompetent
This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I was expecting direct-to-video quality but was still astounded with the trash filmmaking on display. It's terrible on every level imaginable and has no redeeming qualities.

Even the title is incompetent. It's called locked in. But at no point in the movie are they locked in. Ever.

On top of that, the amount of sheer stupidity in this movie is mind-blowing. It's filled from beginning to end with illogic, continuity errors, and things that make zero sense. These are the dumbest characters in history. I feel bad for every other time I've complained about bad character decisions. They don't compare to this.

It's almost more believable that the writers/directors made these awful decisions on purpose as opposed to accidently making the smelliest garbage possible. (1 viewing, 1/17/2022)

The Misfits
(2021)

Good start, bad finish
I went into this movie knowing nothing about it. When it opens with Nick Cannon narrating, I thought to myself "Oh no" and almost turned it off. But I gave it a chance. And to my surprise, it starts off well. It has a fun vibe and moves at a fast pace. The setup is interesting and I was invested in the story and characters.

Then a few things happen that tank the movie for me.

1) Nick Cannon starts playing goofy characters. Why? Why? This movie isn't a cartoon. Why do you want to turn it into one? Any suspension of disbelief is gone. Any credibility is gone. On top of that, he wasn't even mildly funny. It made me cringe. I may not be a fan of Nick Cannon, but he was more than serviceable until he single-handedly brought my rating down a star.

2) The movie went from relatively implausible to laughably outlandish. The ease with which they are able to accomplish some of these tasks is insulting as a viewer. I knew not to expect much and tried to be extra lenient, but the only way I wouldn't have noticed is if I was unconscious.

3) A few highly predictable and cliché moments that made me cringe.

In the end, I didn't hate watching it but I can't recommend it. (1 viewing, 1/16/2022)

Vanquish
(2021)

Arguably the worst editing in movie history
This movie is hilariously bad. That's not just a figure of speech. I'm still laughing as I'm writing this. I could feel the trash quality as soon as it started.

The movie starts with an opening credits montage that, no exaggeration, lasted for 6 minutes and 30 seconds. It took that long yet only delivered one simple piece of information.

This movie is bad on every level. The story is useless. The scene transitions are so odd and sometimes nonexistent. More than once they showed a scene transition of an ocean shot at night, but the sky was filled with a CGI moon and clouds that look laughably fake.

But by far the worst part of this movie is the editing. I'm not a cinema snob. I normally don't notice editing. But I was astonished at how noticeably bad it was. The worst I've ever seen. And I've watched thousands of movies. 90% of my laughter was at the editing. It was unbelievably strange. I can't fathom who decided this was a good idea. Did they think they were doing a new creative style?

There is a phone conversation where the shot fades to the person speaking... repeatedly... maybe 12 times. I couldn't stop laughing. Random other moments, there would be 3 quick cuts, but staying on the same person. For example, a shot of Morgan Freeman, but then a closer shot, and then an even closer shot, all within a second. I'm dumbfounded.

I give this trash the lowest possible score, but I was very entertained by how terrible it was. (1 viewing, 1/16/2022)

Willy's Wonderland
(2021)

Good-ridiculous and bad-ridiculous
I went into this movie blind. I couldn't help but laugh when I found out what it's about. I'm the kind of movie fiend that would go for something this absurd. Unfortunately it's not very good.

What did I like? The music is the best part of this movie. And I couldn't help but smile at how ridiculous the premise is.

And the bad? Man, the acting is atrocious. The lead actress spends the entire movie opening her eyes as wide as possible. The rest of the teens give bad performances. And as fun as the premise is, they don't do much with it.

The movie creates lots of intrigue around the lead character. It made me ask so many questions about why Cage's character is the way he is, which is a good thing. But they answered none of it. I'm fine with not knowing anything about a character, but not after you do all these things to make me wonder.

This is the kind of movie some might think is the worst of all time. But I was fairly amused. I wonder what movie Nick Cage will do next... (1 viewing, 1/15/2022)

Gaia
(2021)

Watch the movie Annihilation
This movie starts off very intriguing with some great shots and immediate atmosphere. It has a really cool idea. But in the end it doesn't amount to anything other than an unsatisfied feeling.

On top of that, the best part about this movie (the idea) is straight-up stolen from the movie Annihilation. If you haven't seen it, watch it. It's amazing. And the idea that this movie steals is only one aspect of a much more intriguing and well-made movie. (1 viewing, 1/15/2022)

Flinch
(2021)

There's not much here
I feel like this movie should be one part of a bigger movie. There isn't enough substance in this story for it's own movie. Not much happens. It's so basic. I was very bored. And it ends up being pretty dumb as well. (1 viewing, 1/15/2022)

Snakehead
(2021)

Who decided this was a good idea for a movie?
I don't want to waste any more time on this garbage so I will keep my review short. This is a low quality, made-for-TV level movie. I could tell immediately. All aspects are terrible. It's a complete waste of time. (1 viewing, 1/15/2022)

Scream
(2022)

Elevated slasher
Right off the bat I have to say, this is about as perfect of a sequel as I can remember. I had a smile on my face for most of the movie, except the parts where my jaw dropped. High-quality filmmaking all around.

They managed to make a fresh new entry in the franchise while somehow keeping the same feel as the originals. Everything feels natural, nothing feels forced. You would think the meta aspect is old by now, but nothing is old if it's done well. It has one of the most meta scenes in movie history, and I loved it. It's funny, awesome and creepy, constantly keeping you at the edge of your seat.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but this fifth entry in the franchise is my favorite. I liked them all except for Scream 3, but this feels better in so many ways.

The writing is extremely clever, to the point where it feels like they're toying with the audience, and the audience likes it! No more stupid character decisions like the previous sequels. In fact, there are numerous moments where the characters do the smartest thing possible.

But what's the biggest improvement? The kills in this movie are all brutal. If there was a Scream kills ranking list, this movie would have almost every top spot. It made me so happy (what does that say about me? Lol).

I had a blast with this movie. I can't wait to watch it again. Other writers, directors and studios need to study this case and apply it to all future sequel attempts. This is how it's done. (1 viewing, opening night 1/13/2022)

Censor
(2021)

Unintriguing
This movie had trouble getting me invested in the story or characters. It didn't do much for me. I was curious to see how it ended. But saying the ending was underwhelming would be an understatement. I felt completely unsatisfied when it finished. (1 viewing, 1/12/2022)

Dexter: New Blood
(2021)

Tell Prison Break this is how you do a reboot
Throughout the season, I kept feeling so lucky that I somehow get to watch one of my all-time favorite characters again. I was nervous going in, but it immediately alleviated my concerns. It's very well-made with great directing and editing. In some ways I found it better than the original show, from a technical perspective. I love how certain sound effects are strategically extra loud. And while it feels fresh in this new setting, it still feels very much the same.

I was fully invested in the story and the characters. I love the route they took with the story. The only downside is it didn't finish on the best note. But I had a blast with this season. I feel it's on par with most of the original show. But nothing is as good as the first two seasons. (1 viewing, 1/9/2022)

SPOILERS

What a great villain. Kurt brought so much to the show. Again on par with most of the villains from the original show. The storyline with Angela finding out more and more about Dexter is so suspenseful. I was fully invested in Dexter's relationship with Harrison.

The finale is awesome... until the very end. It angered me. I don't hate it as much as others I've heard. It's underwhelming but not terrible. The reason I felt so much anger is 1) my beloved Dexter is dead. I had some comfort knowing he was out there somewhere living his exiled life.

And 2) I really wanted to see more from Dexter and Harrison: The Killers. I would have loved to see them go to another city with a whole new storyline. Come onnnnnn.

The Unholy
(2021)

The Ungood
Poorly-made, completely unscary and really really dumb. The first half isn't laughably bad but is completely useless and feels like a waste of time. The second half is absolutely laughably bad with so many hilarious moments. This movie is garbo. (1 viewing, 1/8/2022)

Way Down
(2021)

Enjoyable heist flick
I had a good time with this movie. I was invested from beginning to end. It takes it's time but is still fast-paced. Unfortunately there are some stupid parts and things that don't really work, all of which occurs in the third act. Still, not a bad option if you're bored. But I doubt I'd watch it again. (1 viewing, 1/8/2022)

Nick of Time
(1995)

rofl
This movie is so laughably bad. It's jam-packed with stupid moments, terrible decisions and unrealistic scenarios. Early on I was rolling my eyes, then I just started laughing at everything.

Even though the movie is terrible, it somehow got me invested in the story and outcome. And there were a couple of smart decisions.

1 viewing, 1/1/2022.

E zhan
(2014)

Good fight scenes, bad everything else
I did not enjoy this movie. Most of the fight scenes are good. A few parts made me laugh, but most of the comedy doesn't translate. I was not invested in the story or characters. And every time a character laughs, it's so obnoxious and borderline cartoonish. Super cringe.

1 viewing, 1/1/2022.

Guns Akimbo
(2019)

My kind of movie
I had a smile on my face for the majority of the movie. I went in with no expectations. I was given something I didn't even know I wanted. I love the style and music. Samara Weaving is such a beast and Daniel Radcliff definitely belongs.

My only real flaw with this movie is the villain. I love that the whole movie is over-the-top, but the villain takes it into cartoon territory.

I was really surprised this wasn't bigger until I realized it was destroyed by the pandemic. I hope they see what they have here and ignore the poor numbers. I would definitely watch any sequels.

1 viewing, 12-31-2021.

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It
(2021)

A nice addition to the series
Good movie with some super creepy scenes. After a great start it slows down in the middle but finishes strong. Not sure if I'd go out of my way to watch it again but I had a good time with this one. A huge step up from the last few movies in this universe.

1 viewing, 12-31-2021.

A Man Apart
(2003)

A bad made-for-TV movie?
Nope, this was released in theaters. I think I watched it in theaters when it came out. For some reason I decided to check it out all these years later. It's terrible and basically useless. Low quality all around. And some horrendous editing.

About 2 viewings, 12-31-2021.

Don't Look Up
(2021)

How can netflix be so bad at making movies
It never ceases to amaze me. Netflix continues to produce trash movies. Every time I think it might be different, it's not. Even when they hire a beast director and an all-star cast, they still can't succeed.

This movie has a similar feel to The Big Short, but pales in comparison. And then I looked up the rest of Adam McKay's filmography, which includes Anchorman 1&2, The Other Guys, Talladega Nights and Step Brothers. These are some of the most hilarious movies ever made. So why did I barely chuckle twice in this 2 hour 20 minute movie?

I still can't put my finger on why their movies are so bad. Why does it immediately feel like a streaming movie? What makes a movie feel cinematic and why can't netflix do that?

Also why do I keep trying netflix movies? Because they're smart and know movie fans won't be able to resist that cast. But maybe try this... also make a good movie.

I do want to state that I am completely behind the message in this movie. Trust science, not famous idiots. Still doesn't make the movie good. I struggled to get through it and almost quit multiple times.

1 viewing, 12-30-2021.

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