12-string

Hindi art film is a close adaptation of J B Priestley's play "An Inspector Calls." Surprisingly for a Hindi film, the "inspiration" of the Priestley drama *is* acknowledged, albeit only in the end credits.

If you know the play, you know the story. Wealthy businessman, fresh from celebrating the engagement of his daughter to the son of another industrial dynasty, is intruded upon by a police inspector. A young woman has hanged herself this evening in a Mumbai slum, and evidence at the scene suggests such a humble person had a significant connection to this family of movers and shakers. Each member of the clan is brought into the living room where the relentlessly interrogative cop brings out his or her links to the dead woman. Early on we get visual and dialogue clues that the inspector is something more than just Lt Columbo on the job.

I rented the film because it featured Neha Dubey, whom I liked a whole lot in "Monsoon Wedding" and wanted to see more of, and she didn't disappoint me, in a nice turn as the daughter of the millionaire. (Dubey's real-life mom plays her mother in the film, though the characters have little on-camera interaction -- but that's part of the point.) The ensemble cast all handle their roles well. The stage origins of the material are obvious but it's opened up via the film format and stays watchable and interesting throughout. Be advised that it's not a "Bollywood" film by any stretch -- rather, an Indian art picture with no musical interludes and a social message beyond the actual story. "Sau Jhooth Ek Sach" is the equivalent of a first-rate regional theater production of "An Inspector Calls," with localized Indian references.

I taped this pic off Turner Classic Movies about 4 years ago but for some reason never got around to watching it until today. Made about 1961, this is a slightly pre-deluge entry in the peplum fest that was Italian cinema until the sudden burst of spaghetti western in the middle 1960s.

Cadmus, King of Crete, and his new wife Hermione (they killed the previous Mrs C), in angry response to a prophecy, declares himself a god and drives the worship of Jove out of his kingdom. If the mills of the gods grind fine, they also grind exceeding slow, since it takes Jove 18 years to get around to this case! But finally Crios, the youngest and most clever of the Titans, is sent to Crete to take on Cadmus. If he's successful, his brother Titans will get their release from Hades, so the ball is definitely in Crios' court.

Crios has the usual run of adventures -- a gymnastic brawl with the royal guards that leaps from street to rooftop and back again ad lib, then imprisonment and being forced to do small arena gladiator work. He also manages to catch a glimpse of, and fall in love with, Antiope, daughter of Cadmus and the first Mrs C. Now things begin to get complicated. See, the prophecy is that when Antiope falls in love, that means the Big Sleep for her evil daddy. So, natch, it's in his interest to keep her away from guys.

Pic is a little long, at 112 minutes, but it doesn't drag. Think of it as watching 3 arced episodes of "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" back to back, but w/o the commercials. Tone of the production is similar to the Herc series, since it's full of mostly slapstick violence. The Titans, on earth, have no power other than their strength, so we get plenty of knock 'em down and bang 'em around scenes. Only at the very end does the violence get moderately serious, and even then, it's still well within a PG rating. Leonard Maltin's TV movies book says this was dubbed for comedy effect, a la "What's Up, Tiger Lily?" but if he's referring to the sound track on this version, it's quite misleading. The American dialogue track is breezy, though not the Valley dude and surfer boy yak of the Raimi series, and we're not within light years of "Tiger Lily" or "Ferocious Female Freedom Fighters" here. Anyway, it's obvious from the start that this pic was meant as a comic take on the peplum.

Giuliano Gemma plays Crios in full bleach-blonde mode. He grins a lot, but he always seems smarter than the average peplum lead of the 60s, and he's not called on to throw around papier-maché rocks from time to time like a Son of Hercules. Jacqueline Sassard, as Antiope, is a looker and a half. (Movie eschews several script opportunities to show her soaking wet.) Pedro Armendariz, in one of his last roles, is dubbed as Cadmus and brings only his presence to the US version of the film. Antonella Lualdi, as Hermione, doesn't get a lot to do but is something in the red wig she wears at the start, when she's young and hot. Since Gemma is just an ordinary-built guy, the muscles are supplied by Serge Nubret, a black man, as Rator, a fellow slave who becomes Crios' ally.

Production values are higher than average for the genre; the Cretan palace is really nice-looking and seems quite spacious. You might wonder why several of the Titans are shown as blonde, including Sisyphus and Prometheus, while they are in Hades, but when they eventually show up on earth to help out Crios, they're all dark-haired guys with facial hair. (At least, I wondered about it.) Light-hearted costume actioner is fun, without the cheap grinder looks the genre took on as production increased and budgets fell. I wish I'd seen this when I was about 12, but they'd have had to make it some years earlier than they actually did.

One complaint: the print shown on TCM is 1.33 ratio. The original was obviously shot in a wider ratio, perhaps 1.77 or 1.85 (no reference to 'scope in the credits or the AFI catalog). As a result, the framing is not always satisfactory. (Isn't it awful how letterboxed DVDs have spoiled us all when it comes to aspect ratios?) On the IMDb scale, I give this a solid 6.

The other comments on this film sum up fairly well the dramatics of it. Don "The Dragon" Wilson is an Interpol agent whose best buddy is killed in an opening shoot-em-up scene. Still hunting terrorists, Wilson is sent to India (helmer Fred Olen Ray sits in for a cameo as Don's boss at Interpol), where he gets into a tangle that leads to a couple of revelations.

There's not much to distinguish this from any other quickie, straight-to-video actioner, except that much of the stunt work seems a little anemic. Nonetheless, I highly recommend the DVD edition of this film (which is entitled "Operation Cobra") to all fans of low-budget movies. One might say, "War, Pestilence, Plague, and Famine -- the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!" but a close runner up for the fifth spot on that team might -- at first blush -- seem to be "With Director Commentary track by Fred Olen Ray." That conclusion would be a definite mistake.

The director's commentary track is the most fascinating part of the DVD package. Ray pulls relatively few punches in discussing the movie. We learn that the whole film was shot in Hyderabad, India, and Fred tells us that it was the first American movie to be filmed completely in India. (Was "Maya," in the 60s, not all shot on location?) We also learn that although Hyderabad is not among the scenic high lights of India, one of the producers owned a studio there, which made for economical filming! Ray also discusses the ins and outs of low-budget film-making, pointing out where specific locations were used for multiple purposes, and noting the Indian actors who had to be dubbed for the American release. We also learn a good bit about the crew's drinking habits and the outbreak of dysentery on the set, as well as the logistics of the big action finale sequence, which was filmed under less than ideal circumstances. (I got two words for ya -- Flies! Flies!) There is likewise a short on-set featurette, which is mostly home movie footage and not nearly as informative as the commentary track.

Fred Olen Ray makes straight to video/straight to cable movies for less money than Brad Pitt's personal assistant gets paid. Ray is not likely to win an Oscar any time soon (I always felt he should have at least been nominated for "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers"), and he's not remotely pretentious here. You wanna know about making movies for peanuts in a difficult overseas location? Here it is.

I watched the film once for story, then ran it again with the commentary track. Cut out the middle man and go straight to the commentary. Anyway, Ray throws in enough of the plot (sometimes puzzled by it himself) that you can follow the story with no problem. You can find the DVD, if you shop around, for somewhere in the neighborhood of $5, and if you love Poverty Row movies as much as I do, you'll think it a bargain at twice the price. Forget about the plot and concentrate on America's most prolific non-porn filmmaker at work.

Mid-80s porn videorig deals with 3 novice nuns on the eve of taking their final vows but manages to be not nearly as tasteless as you could expect. Some spoilers will probably appear in this comment, since the VHS version is long O/P and not likely to show up on DVD anytime soon.

Exploitation begins early, with the novices peeling out of their habits and getting into nighties that look a little improbable for a convent. The 3 leads, Buffy Davis, Keli Richards, and Jen Noxt, are all styled as plain-jane as possible. Without tons of makeup and her much more familiar porn-ho' bravado, Richards will remind you tremendously of the neighbor's sweet, almost-pretty daughter, whom you can always count on for babysitting because she's too shy to have a boyfriend and never goes out. Buffy's astounding development makes it hard to style her down, but the makeup artists come as close as you can get. Noxt's biggest appeal was that she looked like a tall, thin teenage counter girl at a fast food joint, not a porn star, in the first place, so she's perfectly cast here. Tantala Ray is the Mother Superior. (Yes, that's what I said!) The novices drop off to sleep and Buffy has a Bride of Christ fantasy dream that would have been more effective had they put a robe and beard on Francois Papillon. Keli has a nightmare dating back to her days as a drug addict, when she found her boyfriend with another girl (Blake Palmer and Sylvia Benedict, in a film clip from a few years earlier) and ran out into the night, half-stoned, only to be taken advantage of by two bums in an alley.

Buffy and Jen decide to sneak out, for one taste of the wild side before they enlist for life in the Army of God, and they wind up at a sleazy strip bar. Only viewers familiar with the 80s porn scene will appreciate the fact that the second stripper on the stage is none other than Tantala Ray, scoring a double-header role in the picture. As this is a family-friendly database I won't detail her act, but let's just say it involves a whip and some ping pong balls. Personally, I thought she easily outdid the transsexual who provides the first strip number, but both acts are more freak show than erotic.

Meanwhile, back at the convent, Tantala manages to be in two places at once. As Mom Superior, and comforting a still disconsolate Keli, she tells her about a lesbian episode in her own past, which is acted out by Lois Ayres and Cara Lott in another flashback. And down at the strip bar, novices Buffy and Jen are making some brand new friends. Noxt does a decent job of playing a cute, drunk chick, but unlike the real thing, she doesn't throw up on anybody. In the end, only two novices take their final vows.

Pic passed for outrageous in its time, though it has been bypassed, long since, by gonzo and extreme porn. It's really more cute than hot, nowadays. Although the three femme leads were anal scene regulars in their day, Keli provides but a few moments of this activity in "Nasty Habits," Buffy and Jen none at all. I don't even recommend the film to anyone who's not already a major fan of Richards and Noxt, and that is not necessarily for the sexual content. Both women show more acting talent than they usually got to display in their movies. (For Noxt, see also "Cheerleader Academy," where she does quite a good job thespically.)

Hindi musical romance, set on Mauritius, deals with self-made businessman Shyam (Rajesh Khanna) and a love triangle whose other points are spoiled rich girl Ruku (Tina Munim) and wistful Radha (Padmini Kolhapure). Shyam sets things in motion by hiring Radha's father (Dr Shriram Lagoo), an untouchable, as his new accountant (Shyam is not into the caste thing at all), saving the little family from starvation. Radha finds religious parallels to their relationship and develops a deep devotion for Shyam. But he's not a particularly religious guy, so it's all lost on him, and he sure likes the looks of westernized Ruku (don't we all!), whom he marries with trappings that seem like vintage Vegas, except for the lack of skydiving Elvis illusionists. An ominous note is that Ruku does have a well-developed caste consciousness.

However, while Ruku's wealthy father (Pran, in a rather perfunctory role) admires Shyam, her stepmother and step-uncle (sinister Prem Chopra) are afraid he has the same ambitions as their own: getting his hands on daddy's money. So trouble looms constantly for this marriage, and when it arrives, it comes in spades.

The story is told mostly as a long flashback, while Shyam is in the dock on a trumped-up charge of bigamy. The DVD box unconscionably gives away the ending of the film, which I didn't like, but not half as much as I didn't like the ending itself. The 12-stringer would have written this one very differently.

The film is well-made and well-acted by all concerned, though I found some of the writing for Munim's character a bit inconsistent. Khanna is solid, and Chopra very effectively underplays his bad guy. He's quite convincing as a dude who believes in "breaking rocks with glass." Kolhapure, a young teenager when the film was made, gives a highly charismatic performance that makes me want to see a lot more of her work. I wish her character had a little feistiness, though that would have made for a different story -- yeah, the one _I'd_ have written. (Note that the IMDb credits, and ergo the synopsis given here, erroneously reverse the roles played by Munim and Kolhapure in the film.)

As par for a Hindi film, Souten is quite long, almost 3 hours. The first (a Holi celebration) and last (part of that lousy ending) musical numbers were my favorites. DVD quality is OK, though the image seems to be slightly cropped -- not intrusive for the much greater part. (The trailer is in 'scope, the feature itself in 1.85:1.) Lay in a box of Kleenex before you watch this; you'll thank me for that tip. And DON'T READ THE [several expletives deleted] DVD BOX SYNOPSIS!!!

On the IMDb scale, I give this a 7, even though I didn't like the ending. Or did I already mention that?

I can't believe this movie has not inspired any comments. It's founded upon a couple of beloved concepts for Indian films -- arranged marriages and identical twins. Here we have Kanchan (Rakhee), lovely but just misses being cloying, a traditional girl who loves animals and moves in a brilliant-colored setting that looks like fantasy Kashmir recreated on a Disney soundstage. Her problem? She's shy and nobody wants their sons to marry her. Everytime a prospective mom-in-law comes over, it winds up as, "Can't we have the fun sister, Kamini, instead of that dull Kanchan?" Under the circumstances, you can hardly blame the girl for being shy and self-effacing.

Twin Kamini (also Rahkee) is a westernized chick, and would demand that noun, I'm sure. This being a 1971 film, she looks sorta like she's dressing herself out of SEVENTEEN magazine, about 1967. She's very outgoing and has a bunch of swinger friends she likes to spend time with, going on vacations to the Himalayas &c. During the latter, she has a meet-cute encounter with army officer Ajit (Sashi Kapoor). kamini steals food from the army base for herself and her friends, and Ajit tracks her down to the lodge where they're all staying. A musical number leads to love, as it always does in Hindi films. But she and her friends catch the midnight train to Georgia, leaving love-struck Ajit with those "I Wonder Where She's Gone Blues."

Meanwhile, Ajit's foster dad and the twins' parents decide that Ajit would be a great match for the difficult to marry off Kanchan. When the two are introduced, natch, Ajit thinks she's the same hottie he met up in the mountains and he's ecstatic. Kanchan thinks it's herself that he has these feelings for and falls deliriously in love, up to a gorgeous bright pastel pregnancy fantasy that has even an old crab like the 12-stringer going, "Awwww... " Until the real Kamini shows up and Ajit realizes his mistake in identification, and, just like everybody else, he demands the other sister. Now we have plot complication.

Out of the blue the filmmakers spring it on us that Kamini is not just the free spirit we've been spending time with, but rather, what those of us in backwoods West Virginia would spell S.L.U.T. It's an out of the hat, rather than a payoff of anything we've been prepped for. But it leads to quite a dramatic plot turnaround, and not nearly the last in this story.

For the rest of it, you need to watch the movie. It's a typical Hindi musical romance, about 2:45 in length. The DVD quality is pretty good, but I have to note that while the image is 1.33:1, the original film looks like it was shot in 1.66:1, and cropping is noticeable here and there. Nothing to interfere with your enjoyment of the film, but it's amazing how fast we get spoiled by letterboxed DVDs.

Kapoor's Captain Ajit is a bit of a jerk at times, though you can give him the benefit of being besotted with love for that swinging babe Kamini. Rakhee gets lots and lots of beautiful closeups (especially as Kanchan) and is pretty good in both roles. Kamini has more edge than Kanchan, who seems awfully submissive from the western perspective. But this is part of the characterization, so you really can't fault her for not being as feisty as a western audience might prefer, in the light of the story's events.

On the IMDb scale, I give this a 7. The musical numbers weren't especially memorable for me. Kamini's swimsuit and near-rape scenes must have impressed the frontbenchers in Uttar Pradesh (they sure impressed the 12-stringer). I'd still like to know, where did the ocean come from in the big action finale? Weren't we amid the Himalayas just a minute or two ago?

Disclaimer: I'm quite new to Hindi films and had never even seen one until June '03, when Turner Classic Movies carried a "Salute to Bollywood" festival which changed my life -- or at least the movie-loving portion of it. Now I just can't get enough of these films!

Hindi musical actioner is reminiscent of the costume adventure films made in Italy during the early 1960s, sometimes adapted from Salgari novels and often starring Guy Madison. This one takes place in Yakistan, apparently somewhere beyond the Khyber Pass, in a non-specific 19th century context. Evil King Shahbaaz (I hope the scenery was digestible) is countered by popular outlaw Kabli Khan (Ajit), who helps a neighboring kingdom, next on the hit list for the Axis of Evil, to fight off the tyrant. There are rollicking rogues, a bit of swordplay on the stairs, some shootouts, some singing, and some dancing, the latter mostly by peachy tavern entertainer Haseena (Helen).

Indian movie babe Helen gets a lead dramatic role here, not just an item appearance, and looks super-cute in a sepoy uniform (I might even have re-upped in the 77th Bengal Lancers if she'd been one of my messmates). It's a bit brisk for a Hindi film, at only 2 hours, and there is a little more indoor sound stage filming than I would have preferred, which gives it much the feel of a Bonanza episode from the 60s.

Film carries a 1974 censor certificate, though my guess is that it was made a decade earlier and that this cert is from a reissue. Glancing up the page I see that IMDb shows it as a 1963 film. DVD, the only place you'll see this one today, is tolerable quality except for a tendency to go briefly bright orange at scene changes, and for slight cropping, from 1.66 to 1.33. Even the songs are subtitled. The synopsis on the box stresses a patriotic theme that I really don't get from the actual story.

Overall, KABLI KHAN is a swashbuckler with some comedy and music -- not Errol Flynn, not even Guy Madison, more like "The Desert Song" -- but OK enough, especially if you can find the DVD for $1.99, as I did.

No classic, but I enjoyed it for its 2-hour run. On the IMDb scale, 5/10.

Entertaining Hindi romance is really an unauthorized remake of Cornell Woolrich's noir novel "I Married a Dead Man." No matter; it's a good story and works well here, with fine perfs by Rajesh Khanna and Asha Parekh in the leads. A little longer than it should be, but it doesn't drag, and the situation is a hook even though contrived. Then again, it was pretty contrived when Woolrich wrote it. This version avoids the depths of cosmic bleakness in Woolrich's vision and makes for a satisfying entertainer. On the IMDb scale, 7/10 from me.

I watched parts of this film being made about 30 years ago. My dad is not visible but drives some of the old cars in it. The exteriors were nearly all shot in north-central WV, within about 15 miles of my house. But the film was never distributed here and it was not until about a month ago that I finally got to see the finished product.

Film is a standard revenge actioner and could have been done as a spaghetti western or a costumer, had those genres been in vogue at the time. I've only seen the video version released as "1931: Once Upon a Time in New York" (but it all takes place in WV!). The dubbing is hideous and the 1.33:1 image cut down from 'scope shows why this is nearly always a bad thing to do.

In particular, it's possible that the full image might even show a more youthful 12-stringer on the sidewalk! (I was atmosphere in a couple of shots but you probably wouldn't recognize me without the guitar.) So maybe cropping isn't such a bad thing after all ...

However, it was a real treat for me to see pictures of places that are no longer there, particularly in downtown Farmington, WV. The railroad station, the Gango store block, the drug store and Carter Henderson buildings, the liquor store -- nearly all of which are parking lots now! The structures left from the filming days have been so altered that no one would ever attempt to film a 1931 sequence on the streets today. Of course, if they did, my dad, at 82, could still handle the Model T driving chores.

I really can't recommend the picture for its dramatic values, in this badly-dubbed and severely cropped video version, but it's worth a 5/10 rating to me just to take that little journey to the past.

Aside from the fact that the previous reviewer seems to be mostly quoting from the video box copy, he's not even talking about the right movie! This is HONEYMOON IN PARADISE, not DESERT LOVERS!

Young couple want to honeymoon on a remote island. Ditzy travel agency clerk (Marilyn Jess, in a cameo) books them into Grand Canary. (Well, it's an island, isn't it?) Once there they attempt to have sex, without ever managing it, and also encounter a group of miscellaneous characters, including freeloaders, vacationing models, and a strip joint owner -- not to mention an old German guy with a green plastic alligator and a pair of Speedos (hint, pal -- buy some boxer trunks! Everybody on the beach will say "Thanks"). Back home in Paris, there is a surprise ending.

Very attractive cast includes Michelle Leska, Christophe Clark, Jessy Gory, Michelle Davy, André Kay, and Marilyn Jess. Pic was shot back to back with DESERT LOVERS and features the same cast. You will see all the travel footage of Grand Canary you ever wanted, and then some. The sex scenes are perfunctory, widely-spaced, and uninvolved. The cast members phone it in and most should have given change back from their pay checks. Admittedly good-looking (shot on 35mm) picture rates about a 2 (out of 10) on the porno heat scale.

There is one exception. The opener, which follows peachy temp Marilyn Jess to her first day of work at the travel agency, is both cute and spicy. Then she books the honeymoon trip and we never see her again. They should have tossed the rest of the film and just added another 75 minutes of Marilyn on the job. It would probably have looked a lot like LUSTY BUSINESS but would have been much more entertaining than HONEYMOON IN PARADISE.

Extremely lowbudget nudie offers pretty tame content for a 1969 entry. Undercover reporter Melody Anthem investigates goings-on at Miss Grundy's Finishing School and finds (surprise) that a lot of sex is taking place here. It takes about 3 minutes to get Melody's clothes off; everyone else is already nekkid. For the next 50 mins the actors recite dialogue that sounds semi-improvised and simulate sex -- not very convincingly, for the greater part.

The chief adornment of this no-frills pic is an early performance by the wonderful Barbara Caron (aka Barbara Mills). She has a sex scene, pretty silly, with an older guy playing the school janitor and even tries out her Irish accent. It's not bad, and neither is her acting, even though the script was probably written on a matchbook cover. Her encounter with Suzanne Fields is a little more realistic-looking, but the erotic level is not helped by Cuisinart editing. It looks as if the scene was shot in full from 3 or 4 angles and all of that footage was then spliced together in short cuts, in random order. Or, more likely, much of the picture was shot on film ends, making short takes mandatory. Even in 1969-70 money, it's hard to imagine the budget went much over $1000.

The first scene, with the setup, has a lot of annoying snips in the available print, mostly cutting expository dialogue. If you were watching it for plot you would find this a little frustrating. The cast are enthusiastic enough but the overall trend here is toward silly, rather than sexy. Raincoaters of 1970 probably found this film fairly unsatisfying, but it also doesn't have much that would appeal to the serious film student.

School Scandals is recommended only to two groups of enthusiasts:

a: those who feel they _must_ see every film of this genre ever made (Who, me?)

b: admirers of Barbara Caron who are willing to watch even the dippiest tripe in order to catch another glimpse of her beauty and charm (Guilty, as charged)

This picture probably dates from the second half of 1970 and is among the early Los Angeles-based ventures into hardcore territory. The plot could be written on the back of a napkin and still leave plenty of room to wipe shrimp sauce off your lips. Two jamokes decide that the best way to meet women is to pose as injured ski rescue team members, with clip-on casts. It takes about 3 minutes to set up the story; the rest of the film's hour is devoted to nude sex scenes.

The sex scenes are pretty graphic in any case, 1970 style, but also include some hardcore footage. The video version may be a somewhat trimmed-down print, edited for theatrical showing in venues where regular XXX was not tolerated, though enough remains to leave no question about the original content.

One of the guys (a 35+ drifter type with a large personal collection of tats) is teamed with beautiful Kathie Hilton for the opener. Neither takes any further part in the plot (Kathie's work is the strongest I've ever seen by her but not quite hardcore, and it really doesn't look as if she went the "extra mile" for this film). The other, a younger drifter-in-the-making, with less body art, pairs with 30-ish Judy Angel. She throws him out when she finds out about the scam and then has a graphic lesbian scene with the room service girl, before summoning the "phony cripple" back to her room. Meanwhile, a hippie couple who are friends of the scammers share a room, and another couple get turned on while listening through the wall. Crotch shots and hardcore glimpses abound, particularly with Angel and with the hippie couple. Unless Something Weird has snipped a reel from its video release, there is no wrapup to the proceedings.

The cast all appear comfortable and seem to be having a reasonably good time. The dialogue has a basically improvised feel. Angel does the best job with dialogue. She was a little older than average for an actress in this genre, with the manner (but not the voluptuous body) of Jennifer Welles. You'd never guess it from her demeanor here; she seems like someone who has her head on straight.

Picture is primarily of interest to students of the early years of American hardcore films and the process by which softcore filmmakers ventured over to the explicit side of the street. Casual porn fans will probably want to take a pass.

POSSIBLE SPOILER INCLUDED!

Clean-looking hobo peeks through a window and sees 2 women engaged in a lesbian encounter. Captured by them, he services both women plus 2 others. While he's doing the fourth, her husband comes home and the last we see is the H.H. scurrying out the door. That's it for the plot!

Very cheap production, in color, with no synchronized dialogue, is just a vehicle for nude women and simulated sex scenes. IMDb credits list "Rod Marine" as the star, but he is quickly recognizable as a young Rick Cassidy. The women are not identified in any source that I can locate. One of them, however, is easy to spot as Mary Jane Shipper (or Shippen), a brunette hippie who was also the lead in MODEL HUNTERS (q.v.). She's more interesting there, as she did dialogue well and had a chance to deliver some.

Picture consists entirely of simulated sex scenes. They're pretty athletic, with lots of rolling around and position changing, but not very realistic or particularly erotic. The women are all attractive and don't seem to mind rolling around nude with the handsome blond actor. The most explicit footage, and there is a lot of it, features Cassidy mouthing the nipples of his 4 co-stars, pretty endlessly. This was rarely seen in American sex films prior to 1969, but by 1970 the focus of softcore had moved to the crotch, where the hardcore explosion also centered.

As with most films of the genre, the primary interest 30-odd years later is historical. This film was produced in Los Angeles in 1969; up in San Francisco they had already begun to make hardcore movies and exhibit them publicly. But no one would ever mistake this picture for a hardcore film.

A law was passed in the 1970s that all fantasy novels had to be franchises, with sequels out the wazoo for time and eternity. Philip Jose Farmer opted not to be a criminal and wrote book after book about a strange world, dominated by an endless river along whose banks everyone who had ever lived on earth was reborn. Food and clothing were supplied, and there were alien observers, whose plan was -- well, that's the plot!

Now the Sci-Fi Channel, abetted by Canada and Australia, has filmed the concept, but be warned, it's not really a movie -- it's the pilot for a series! A 21st century US astronaut, Lewis Carroll's Alice, a riverboat man named Sam, a Holocaust survivor, a strange little girl, a Yoruba princess (whose native dances look suspiciously like standard stripjoint choreo but who also does martial arts like Xena), and the evil Nero, among others, are here, struggling for survival, for power, and to launch an oldfashioned Mississippi steamboat. (So where is Richard F Burton?)

Tech credits are fair for the budget. Except for Emily Lloyd, as Alice, the cast is no-name. There's a higher than expected body count among the extras, which will no doubt be toned down considerably to make sure of a TV PG rating when this goes to weekly, and the gaggle of reborns coming out of the surf during the teaser in flesh-colored G-strings and bras, where appropriate, is probably as close to sensuality as this is going to get.

The ending is as wide-open as the defenses at Basra, with the aliens talking enigmatic foreboding stuff that will make more sense later in the series and a climactic revelation that is no surprise at all and just sets up the conflict for subsequent episodes.

This is going to be a lot like "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World," except that it has a river, not a plateau, where the leads can encounter a new civilization every week while tooling along in that steamboat. If you liked the Lost World series, you may find this worth watching. Odds are they'll be using some leftover scripts from it! On the other hand, if you were a fan of the books, I think you'll regard this as basically an unworthy bastardization for popular consumption of a fascinating idea -- even though Farmer did eventually write it into the ground.

On the IMDb scale, 3 out of 10.

SPOILER INCLUDED!

This Vitaphone short, in (really!) glorious Technicolor, allows pint-size Sybil Jason to bring peace to South Africa. Sybil's brother, an English officer, is in love with Boer girl Jane Wyman, naturally disapproved by her family. The Boers and English are primed for conflict with one another, and the Zulus are on the warpath. But when Cetshwayo's warriors capture Jane, the Boers and Brits have to join forces to rescue her. The moral: We really can work together and share this land after we take it away from the people to whom it belongs! So let's all trek off into the sunset while singing a choral anthem. Talk about a happy ending.

Performances are adequate, and Sybil is not as aggressively perky as in her earlier short "The Captain's Kid" (a 2-reel version of "Wee Willie Winkie" in which she tries to out-Temple Shirley, and which I just watched a couple of hours earlier on Turner Movies, where this featurette also appeared this evening). The wagons look pretty authentic but the canoes used by the Zulus appear to be left over from the 1935 "Last of the Mohicans." The overall ambience is basically that of a musical western, and the black performers are used as if they were Indians in lowbudget sagebrusher -- they're here to menace and then to be gunned down. In its defense, there was still an Empire at the time and who knew it wasn't going to last forever? Odds are the Iraqi War movies will look just as foolish 65 years down the line.

A real sleeper, this MGM B-pic is a special treat for those who dote on the pulp fiction magazines of the past. Would-be writer John Shelton is lured into investing money not his own in a shoestring western fiction weekly. Further, he gets drafted into writing the shoot 'em up cowboy stories needed to fill its pages when the current king of western pulps goes on one of his periodic benders. That's the situation which leads to the complications.

Cast is uniformly excellent and film is genuinely funny at all the right places. We get to see the big brother of the fabled Plot Genie machine, plus some hilarious sessions with Shelton attempting to brainstorm 2-gun western fiction. There's even a look inside a magazine printing plant. Shelton and Grey are fine in the leads, with great support from Butterworth and Dekker as fly-by-night publishers and the hilarious Donald Meek as Louis L'Amour's Uncle Dusty, the best western novelist who never got further west than a bar in Hoboken. Anyone who has ever written under a deadline will appreciate those scenes! One quibble: as usual in a movie about writers, every book manuscript is shown in a binder *except* one, and when you watch the movie, you'll understand why.

The resolution is not what one would expect from Hollywood, which gives this modest film a considerable boost dramatically and a slightly bittersweet edge to the finale. Tech credits are fine, although the film was shot on sound stages, like most other films of its time, and it's trite but true to say that an MGM B is the equivalent of an A from any other studio of the day.

Direction by Busby Berkeley is smooth and capable, but there are none of the musical numbers you may expect from seeing his name in the credits. In his directorial career Berkeley made numerous non-musicals, most of them forgotten today, as is this one, which is regrettable. Revivals tend to focus on his over-the-top choreography, not on his more modest productions, and Turner Classic Movies, which owns this film, hardly ever shows it. However, the TCM schedule promises a run of Blonde Inspiration at 7:30 am (EST), 29 January 2003. It's not too early to set your VCR. I've already done so!

This 1977 pic is a downright oddball number which hoped for cult status but never made it. A theatrical bomb on the porn circuit, it somehow failed to achieve midnight movie immortality in the straighter world.

The feature which seems to have been nearest and dearest to the heart of creator Johnny Legend was a rockabilly soundtrack -- OK bar band music but sadly lacking the honking, hiccuping splendor of the 50s jive it tried to emulate. The rest of the package is a slipshod mix of (mostly) early 70s hardcore loops, bad comedy by amateur actors, and endless footage of cars cruising downtown Modesto at night, all shot on what looks like a budget of about $42.75. There's a sort of story. Nympho Babsy Beaudine escapes from the local laughing academy and searches for men, while a neighborhood pervert simultaneously searches for a hot chick. Teens Serena and Lynn Margulies drive so much it's no wonder there was a gas shortage in the 70s. Legend himself, as the 50-watt version of Wolfman Jack, smokes doobies and plays music from his DJ perch. Oh, yeah, and there's a naked bakeoff contest and a bit of bestiality (implied, not shown, and used for what the filmmakers believed to be comedy).

Film turns out to be neither fish nor fowl -- unless you change the spelling a little. If you're looking for hardcore, and you probably are if you're reading this entry at IMDb, don't even pause here. Legend bought some old loops with John Holmes and others, and spliced them into the picture. Porn superstar Serena gets pretty darned nekkid (and nekkid, she's pretty darned pretty) but doesn't actually do anything, just in case you were wondering. Legend handily gives the worst performance in the movie, making the porn cast look like the Redgrave family.

Just as "2001" seemed so much more profound (and coherent) if you blew a few joints in the balcony, this one might be sporadically funny to a well stoned audience. But I wouldn't count on it. And anyway, that stuff is illegal. You shouldn't be using it. And the 12-stringer seriously doubts they've *made* enough of it to improve this film.

In the end, there's just the music, which might be worth buying on CD if you really like rockabilly and find it in the $2.99 bin.

On the IMDb scale of 1-10, I give this a 1 -- still another argument for the inclusion of 0 on that 1-10 scale.

Artsy Brit tv movie deals with the life and fantasies of a mature-looking teen prostitute on the streets of some urban combat zone in the UK. She has a pimp who treats her like a daughter, a father who treats her like a whore, a junkie b.f., and a few pounds in a postal savings account. But her life isn't all rosy. She has a thing about fire. Film tells what happens to her when she goes on her own.

Overall result is not especially rewarding. The 1984 US film ANGEL ("high school honor student by day, Hollywood hooker by night!") provided more coherent narrative and a vastly more satisfying treatment of similar material. If it's supposed to be a surprise that Stella has a sexual history with her father, it's telegraphed from their first scene together. The rest of the pic is just a wait to see what she's going to do about it. Otherwise, there's no onscreen evidence the writer got a passing grade in Plotting 101. This one seems to owe a lot in style and concept to the work of Dennis Potter (you have been warned), with bizarre fantasy and drab reality interspersed.

As a native speaker of American English, I would have been completely lost in this picture without the assistance of closed captioning. (Let's not hear anything more, *ever*, from the Brits about how we in the USA butcher the language, OK?) Accents and diction featured here make Belfasters sound like BBC news readers. Worst offender is lead Kelly Macdonald, of whose dialogue literally nothing is intelligible except the "f**k" or "f**king" she uses 2 or 3 times per sentence. The Celtic lilt is rather nice, though; does she ever work in English-language productions?

Direction and script are both much too artsy, tech credits are excellent at displaying the scabby underside of the UK, and the performers do what they can with the material. Atmosphere is plenty grubby and sleazy but no nudity or graphic sex is featured, which is overall a big plus for the production, though rather a surprise from a Brit TV movie.

On the IMDb meter I give this a 1, regretful that the scale does not include a 0 option. As Stella herself might have put it, "Gnghh f**k tnscrfa qpsllv f**king aqng mbzarky." Or something like that. You'll have to imagine the Celtic lilt.

Bland TVM version of the classic Kingsley Amis novel is no substitute for reading the book. Cast are appealing though mostly n/k in the USA, and 50s atmosphere fair enough if you weren't there, but it's just not funny enough. Dixon's "Merrie England" speech plays particularly flat here and was of course the high point of the novel. The backstory is also handled much more fluidly in the novel than in Jack Rosenthal's teleplay. Where are all of Dixon's imitations? And what about his article? The romance story gets virtually all the screen time here, making this just another Masterpiece Theater specimen of BMG in period duds. Helen McCrory does quite well, considering the script, as psycho gf Margaret but the Welches are missing that mix of asininity and menace that Amis captured on paper.

Do yourself a favor. Skip the movie and read the book. It hasn't aged a bit in 50 years and you'll thank me when you finally put it down.

Talky adventure set in 1955 Borneo takes forever to get the main plot going after a splashy intro. Husband and wife hire adventurer to take them into the jungle in search of diamonds. Ulterior motives exist. Pretty average tv original movie from a story by oldtime pulp hack Louis L'Amour.

It's quite reminiscent, though not nearly as flip and breezy, of the 1987 David Keith vehicle, FURTHER ADVENTURES OF TENNESSEE BUCK -- which also featured a husband and wife team heading into the untracked jungle with a raffish East Indies adventurer. However, this being a USA tv movie, there is no scene involving a hot oil rubdown. (Sigh.)

On a scale of 1-10, a 3 from 12-stringer. Adventure movie for people who've never seen an adventure movie.

Schlemiel falls in love with screwed-up junkie slut and gets involved with murder. The story unfolds in flashback. If you can't figure out what part Sam Elliott's character has in all this, you must have gotten an F in Plotting 102. A (very) little bit of NYPD BLUE type nudity for those who care, but this is no erotic thriller by any stretch.

Script is awful (writer is also producer -- it always pays to bring the ball), but performances would probably be OK in a high school play with a lot of bondage sex, cursing, sexual violence, and drug use. (The 12-stringer doesn't object to any of those except when they're handled as poorly as they are here.) Femme lead Carlton Elizabeth looks like a model and tries hard with what there is. It's not her fault that she's styled and shot throughout as if she's badly in need of a) a bath, b) a meal, and c) an implant reset.

Grimy, shot-in-the-dark film may look better on big screen, but I've only seen it on HBO in tv ratio and was reaching for a flashlight by the second reel. Aggressively unappealing characters and who-cares plot torpedo this one quickly. Not likely to be on anyone's resumé this time next year, but a sure bet to run on HBO as often as they carry SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE.

On a scale of 1-10, 1 from the 12-stringer, but I still think there should be a 0 category.

This silent pic has a young American washed ashore in Asia and rescued by beautiful local Anna May Wong. One thing leads to another, but eventually he goes home to the USA, leaving his Chinese wife behind with a baby on the way. Obviously inspired by Mme Butterfly but set in China, rather than Japan, it has no singing but that's OK.

Victoria saw this 10 yrs ago at MOMA, with no music. In 12/01 it has played Turner Classic Movies as part of the "Treasures from American Film Archives" package, from a nicely-restored Tech print and with a musical score added. (I hope she didn't miss it!) The very end of the pic is lost, but there is a resourceful solution which actually works effectively. Little-known picture is definitely worth your time, and not just for the novelty of seeing a silent in 2-strip Technicolor.

Wong is terrific in the lead and the film is very well made by director Franklin -- not exactly a household name at my household, but a competent helmer with a nicely understated touch. The pictures aren't quite Maurice Tourneur but the performances could be. Cast is small, with just 3 principals plus a child and a couple of character women, and all do fine work here. TOLL is also newly available in a DVD set paralleling the "Treasures" special feature on TCM, and there are many other gems, large and small, in the package, but this particular picture really is a treat.

Lovely Olinka and her girlfriend Kathy Kay (a tomboy Kristy McNicol type, with nice tan) go for a vacation in the mountains, paid for by Kathy's married boyfriend Jean Oury, who is also seeing the Alps with his wife Dominique St Clair and daughter Sophie Ziller (if she's Alsatian, she may be the 12-stringer's 42nd cousin). St Clair is getting some action on the side, and Sophie runs into drifter Gabriel Pontello (not played very menacingly, despite the obvious opportunity in the casting). Everybody switches, swaps, and has a good time.

US release is entitled FLYING SKIRTS and this is a harmless, but quite empty-headed, piece of porn fluff. Compared to Euro product in 2001 it could probably get a PG rating. Olinka is at her sweetest here and her fans will find this film worth its runtime.

Despite the IMDb entry, Candy Samples is *not* in this picture. It's a French film. Sylvia Bourdon and Béatrice Harnois star as sisters confusingly named Candice and Candy (they look more like mom and daughter, age-wise, and may well have been before this was dubbed into English). Candice is editor of a porno mag and also frigid sexually, for reasons we eventually learn. 18ish Candy is not at all frigid, as we find out fairly quickly. Story takes them, plus some of Candice's employees and Candy's best schoolgirl friend, through a string of sexual encounters. And eventually everything works out.

There's not a lot of plot, admittedly, so the dubbing doesn't get too much in the way. Film is significantly more professional looking than the average US hardcore film of that period, the cast is attractive, and the porn quality is first-rate, though quite mild by present-day Euro smut standards. Gabriel Pontello turns up as a gynecologist (that's scary!) and Jacques Insermini, the French answer to Ernie Borgnine (but what was the question?) also appears.

Film seems never to have been released in the US by any of the major adult video companies but was briefly available in the late 80s on a minor label. My copy runs about 85 minutes and seems a bit abridged during the last third. This film will likely be hard to find but is well worth the attention of Golden Age fans. I give it a 6 on the IMDb scale; on my own 1-4 meter, turn-on value ***, quality ***.

Dominatrix Pat Manning and her sidekick John Leslie (who seems to be doing a Jerry Lewis impression throughout) take their new sex slave, Desi Cousteau, for a walk in the park that isn't quite a walk in the park. They give her some fairly mild s/m, and also tell her dirty stories, which are acted out in loops. The loops are hot stuff.

Except for some business with a rose, the film is a bit tame even for the anything-goes 1970s. Kinkiest moment, in which babyface Desi lengthily urinates in front of the camera, will be missing from most 80s and 90s video prints of this picture but will probably be restored sooner or later.

The framing footage is intentionally modeled upon Radley Metzger's s/m film THE PUNISHMENT OF ANNE. Sex scenes in the frame are a bit long shot and consequently don't look that good on video, the only place you'll ever see this film today, but the loops look great and the cast of San Francisco stalwarts which populates them certainly earn their paychecks. Leslie's mugging gets old, and Desi seems awfully whiny for a submissive. (Isn't that why dominatrixes carry whips?)

Manning's performance as a cool dom is good. For those not familiar with her work, she was a woman considerably past 30 who contributed about 10 years to the pornbiz, late 70s to late 80s. She demonstrated a classy presence, strong acting talent, and often sizzling sexuality. This isn't her best movie role but it's not bad. The porn content will seem a bit mild to habitués of today's vidshop backrooms but film is a fine example of Golden Age hardcore. (Isn't that Jewell Bryght, from CHINA DE SADE, in the voodoo scene?)