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Jurassic Shark

Makes those Italian shark movies of the 80's look Oscar worthy by comparison.
Shark movies, there are a lot of them. With the exception of maybe four or five of them though, most of them are bad. This one has come along to say, "Hold my beer!" in terms of being bad. I have seen shark movies from Italy that look incredible compared to this, the sharks of Sharknado even look incredibly realistic compared to this and the acting in that one is a million times better. This thing was just so bad, from the awful location, the bad acting and the horrible star of the film, Jurassic shark!

The story, over complicated to a fault. People are digging or something, something explodes and a giant shark is released! In a lake, that is so obviously not deserted as one can see sailboats in the distance. Girls killed then we get art robbers who get attacked and drop their prized painting into the lake and for some reason keep wanting to send people in after it despite the fact water ruins paintings... Well another car load of girls and a dude comes along and they too get attack. Soon they are walking through a forest which takes forever, the only thing that takes longer sadly are the end credits.

You get bikini clad gals, but they are all kind of bland and frumpy. Then you have the bad old art heist people who are so smart but fail to realize that painting was done for the moment it fell out of the boat. Then you have the shark, who they made a meg for no good reason as they thing was not very big in most shots. You get to see a whole lot of not much in this thing as the shark attacks are few and far between and it is not even all that fun a film, like they were trying to be serious when they should have been making an adult film or anything else...

So, watch people walk through the woods forever, watch the end credits and you probably have 30 minutes of the runtime right there! Throw in Great Value Vin Diesel and Wednesday Addams along with whiny girls and a poor kid you thought would be a romantic plot, but who gets eaten rather quickly and you have one bad shark movie and not Shaft bad either, talking about the turd kind of bad as this thing just stinks!

A Dangerous Man

Bad guys, guns, martial arts betrayal...
...this Steven Seagal film has it all, so much all that it borders on too much. Let me rephrase that, it is too much, too much of everything! The filmmakers also used too much editing in this one, but that can be forgiven as they are trying to make an old fat dude look like he can still fight. That's movie magic! Meanwhile, we have to watch a film where we see lots of guns shooting and Steven ending up with a girl I did not want to see him end up with...

The story, well, Steven is a dangerous man, convicted of killing a man and then released from prison because he did not do it. So he is a tad bitter and we see that almost immediately as he stabs a man who tries to rob him with his gun multiple times to the point the guy probably died. He then ends up setting a rag on fire as a cop pulls over the wrong people and gets killed and another guy's friend died while the lighting of the rag and then Steven is kicking but and revealing a girl in the trunk like in Transporter and soon we get the Chinese mafia, the Russian mafia and crooked cops battling for money, the girl and an uncle whose job as an accountant...

Steven Seagal used to be pretty good back in the day with his three word titled action flicks! This three titled action flick is a bit beyond his scope and he seems kind of reluctant to be in the thing. Like he actually committed a crime and this is his sentence! The girl in this thing is really cute and so does not look like she should end up with Seagal at the end, I was expecting her to end up with the Russian mafia guy's son, but no, they went the creepy route...

So we get shooting galore in this thing and when the bullets run out the editor had to edit the film with a Cuisinart to.make Steven look good. The poor stuntmen had a bad day too as they had to throw themselves into furniture constantly to make Steven look good! Which makes the movie just not that good as the man is old now, I expect him to have a fight and have some trouble rather than having no trouble whatsoever!

Gemini Home Entertainment

Bizarre, creepy and a very entertaining watch!
I watched this along with two other movies deemed to be 'analog' horror, the other two being Local 58 and The Mandela Catalog. I enjoyed all three, but out of the three this one was my favorite as it was the longest of the bunch and it told such a creepy and insane story! Told in the form of videos that were at times instructional, at times advertisements and also simply informative.

The story is told in different ways each episode. Each episode sort of had its own theme to it. The first starts out as a video looking at wildlife, before getting totally creepy. The gist of this series is that there is something called 'woodcrawlers' that can take over a person, there also seems to be something horrific among the stars as well. Very good imagery within this thing as it does seem to have a budget behind it.

So many of the episodes were good, the last two though have some really disturbing and scary images. I salute the maker or makers of this series. They managed to create a strange threat and what seems to be an impending doom!

So, I did enjoy this one the most of the three I watched fully. I tried to watch the Walton Files, but that one did not work for me as it combined animation with live action in a way that kind of took me out of the mood. This one was just so entertaining and every episode gives you a different take on the terror that is apparently spreading rapidly through the world!

The Mandela Catalogue

Some genuinely creepy stuff.
A colleague at work suggested watching the horror known as 'analog' horror and this was one of the ones he suggested I watch. The first one I watched was Local 58 and I have to say I enjoyed it a bit more than this one, but this one had some moments that totally caught me by surprise and were very creepy. I must admit I also have freaked myself out a few times thinking of these as the beings in this thing known as alternates remind me of another tormentor the shadow people.

The story is a bit strange as I had a bit of a time figuring out which order to watch these things. I thought I had seen them all, then realized I missed a couple! I totally missed the first one with the religious short played and it was among the most spooky. Seems some force is invading Mandela County and it is taking the children and is enough to drive a person to madness and suicide! This is played out using old cartoons, strange messages and also phone calls and such.

The reason I prefer Local 58 is that it was a bit easier to get from point A to point B. This one has more creepy moments, but it also has some cringe moments as some of the people present are not doing very good at acting. Still, it was enjoyable and had more to it than Local 58 so definitely worth a look see.

So while this one had some things I thought that could be better and things made a bit easier it also left one feeling a sense of dread too. Funny how a lot of horror shorts you find on Youtube are much better than the stuff Hollywood churns out, but that is just the way it is. This is no exception as i would be absolutely horrified to see some of the stuff presented here staring at me when I awakened from a sound sleep!

Local 58

Creepy short videos simulating a local television during late night.
A colleague at work suggested I watch this as he thought the type of horror present would appeal to me and he suggested others as well. This was my kind of thing as it told a story in an unconventional way, through a new horror trope dubbed 'analog horror'. This one uses things such as the final broadcast of the night and strange late night programming to tell a story that is downright creepy!

The story, well, there it one but discussing it would kind of ruin things. Suffice to say, seems something is going on with the moon as strange messages, cartoons and stargazing shows flesh out during the duration of only 8 episodes. Seriously worth checking out though as it takes maybe fifteen minutes to get through it. My favorite episode had to be the stargazing one though, that one started so mundanely and got the most intense!

This new form of horror is pretty neat; granted, I have only seen this one, The Mandela Catalogs and Gemini Videos fully. I tried to do the Walton Files which is rated highly here, but it just did not work for me at all and I could not get into it. Then again, I've never found the mechanical creatures at a Showbiz pizza scary in the least. This is the one that kind of set the trend and I liked it a lot, though Gemini is my fave only because there are more episodes and it is longer. This one hopefully continues because I want to learn more about what is going on.

So, a very good short horror series, I find it odd that a lot of time it is the short horror films that you find on Youtube much more scary than anything that Hollywood spits out these days. There is just something about the way they are presented and the fact they usually do take the time to bring you a very disturbing image within the usually short running time.

Rapid Assault

Not very rapid, but there are lots of assaults!
This movie is brought to us by Fred Olen Ray who makes bad movies; however, oftentimes those bad movies are fun to watch and this film is no exception. So many things in this film do not jive as I am pretty sure if a sea lab were abandoned, it would be filled with water and a reef, but heck, you get to see the main action guy with a cool name kick some butt while saying shoot the nukes!

The story, heck, does it matter? A terrorist organization is developing a biological weapon. Their plan is to disperse this weapon in the ocean, in an abyss...something tells me the good guys really did not have to do anything as the canister was small, it would be akin to chucking a coke in the ocean, it is going to be so spread out it will be rendered harmless...but that does not stop the good guys from somehow getting aboard an underwater lab which should be extremely easy to defend! The place is huge too, almost like a factory and not a underwater lab at all...

The film stars a bunch of people you will probably think you have seen before and probably have in other movies done by Fred Olen Ray, a man that says, "Give me a factory and I will give you a movie!" Okay, just guessing he says this.

So, it was not a good film at all, but I have seen worse. I mean, it looks like a movie, it is not like one of those movies that looks like it is shot with a camcorder so it has that going for it. It does feature so many absurd moments that it is kind of fun to watch and laugh at. I mean, the female lead in this literally balks at getting undressed to put on a scuba suit even though there is only a little bit of time before nukes hit the place... So yeah, a lot of fun to be had in this bad movie!

The Happening

Don't be eyeing anyone's lemon drink, you hear!?!
I thought this film may be good for reasons that are now forgotten by me. I mean, the director M. Night's previous movie I watched was not very good (The Village) and the one before this one was considered bad as well. Also, this film stars Mark Wahlberg who I have never seen a movie of his I enjoyed! Combine this with Zoey of the vacant stare and dead eyes and why did I think this thing would be anything but bad? Then the whole reason behind what is going on is absurd as are some of the deaths, stuff one tends to see in a funny Monty Python sketch! Seriously, not sure why it has a five here, unless the people who are enjoying it think of it as a black comedy, then it sort of works...

The story, well people start dropping off buildings and stabbing themselves. Must be a chemical attack! Because you know, there is some chemical that can make a person become confused, then walk backwards and then perform sometimes very elaborate suicides...NOT!!! I was thinking when watching the trailers something perhaps supernatural was going on, but yes, it all boils down to chemicals the vegetation is producing. Makes you all confused and unable to move properly, but have no trouble revving up a lawnmower and lying in front of it. Our 'hero' Marky Mark who wears the same expression the entire film. We get to watch him and his wife drag a girl around, get two young boys killed and get conseuling from John Leguizamo who had to be glad he was only in this thing for 20 minutes of screen time...Meanwhile, we get to see some deaths, but while watching dude explore house there were probably people driving cars into shark tanks and dying in all sorts of strange and entertaining ways!

As I said, Mark is pretty bland here, but I think that is his trademark. Same with Zooey, we get to watch two of the most unlikable people try to survive this thing, this happening! Meanwhile, both the main actors and the plot are at times overshadowed by randomly encountered people like really strange looking dude who really likes hotdogs and crazed, mean old lady who has her lemon drink! Seriously, there could have been a whole movie just about her!

The movie kind of reminds me of the War of the Worlds with Tom Cruise from 2005. Basically, you have a totally interesting event happening, but we are forced to watch the film from one very small perspective only in this one the characters are less likable and the event less plausible. M. Night would go on to have a bit of success after this with a couple of films and a couple of busts, not sure if this is the low point, or Lady in the Water or The Last Airbender, but heck who hasn't gotten some bumps in the road. In the end, it was bad, but honestly I should have known it was going to be bad when the main selling point of this film was that it was M's first rated R film...

The Batman

Nice to see Batman being a detective more.
Batman has had lots of movies through the years and he did a bit of detective work, but not much. So this movie obviously wanted to showcase this ability of The Batman and it does so very well having a very good set of villains as this Riddler is much more what I am used to in the comics, the Penguin is not some mutated dude raised by penguins and corruption is the key to everything. We get a new Batman in Robert Pattison and he does a very good job, more dark and brooding and without all the growling and shouting of Bale's. The movie is dark and just very interesting as it truly had me wondering who and what was the endgame. However, there is action, so do not let people try to say that the film is absent of some good old punching!

The story, key political figures are being dispatched, first it is the mayor. The person responsible leaves chilling riddles behind and seems to be taking an interest in Batman who is already Batman so no origin story here. Batman is already working with Gordon and looks over the crime scene. Soon things start to point to this person or that and even Bruce's father may have a part in it as the Riddler's game turns out to be even more heinous than even Batman could guess!

Pattison was very good as Batman, he was not super muscular like the Batman in the comics, but really the only guy who pumped up for the role was Ben Affleck's Batman. I would put Robert in a tie with Bale in second as they both look fit, but not really jacked up. Colin is great as the Penguin and I was totally surprised to find Andy Serkis was Alfred. I kept thinking I know him from somewhere, but I guess I just did not think of the actor as old enough to be Alfred. Zoe Kravitz is a rather good Catwoman, not quite Michelle's but better than the one from Rising. The Batmobile I rather liked, like the Batmobile fused with Mad Max's vehicle!

So, this film was good, I would say it is my fave Batman, but one always tends to fall in love with something when they see it for the first time, so I'll hold judgement. I am very curious to see where this is going and if they team up who I think they are going to team up, that would be really cool. I definitely think Robert can do the job, was not a fan of Twilight, but come on, everyone has to get their start somewhere, and he was so dark in this film, most will forget that he ever sparkled.

Max Havoc: Ring of Fire

A step down from the first film...
In the 60's and 70's sequels would often get a smaller budget so they would become worse with each movie. There were exceptions, but that was generally the rule. Then in the 80's and 90's things changed as sequels often outperformed their predecessors so sequels began to get bigger budgets and tried to outdo the previous film. Well this film was kicking it old school as they certainly took a step down in every way they could! It also feels like a sequel that is not really a sequel and tries to have a really cool title, but after you watch it you think, there wasn't much going on in this one. And this time there are no beaches full of beautiful people to look at, no, we get Seattle, or a very poor representation of Seattle. I mean, according to this film Seattle consists of a big pipe tunnel, a fancy hotel, a very old looking district and an orphanage...

The story, well Max has apparently ditched the girl from the previous film, making me think they were trying to go with a whole James Bond type vibe with this series giving him a new love interest in each film. Here it is a tennis player he is doing a shoot with, and what a better place to have a shoot with a tennis player than fake Seattle! Well, bad guys want to take over this area and build it up for tourism led by Dean Cain sporting blond hair, and you may think he looks like a joke, but as a hotel manager he is apparently more dangerous than the Japanese mob from the first film!

So, this film is pretty bad, as the location is horrible as Seattle does not look anything like what they have here. The fish market consists of more than one guy and the way to get property is buying it. Why is Dean Cain murdering people and destroying things when I know he could of gotten that boathouse area for a song.

So everything here is less impressive. We go from a tropical paradise to blah, we go from Japanese mob to teens in beanies and the Superman from the lousy Louis and Clark television series and Max goes from a super attractive owner of a junk shop to just a very attractive tennis player who does not actually play any tennis...okay, that one was less a step down than the villains and location. I can understand why they stopped making this as the name Max Havoc promises action, but all you get is some martial arts fighting and not much else here, not even a decent chase. Oh wait, Max did have to chase down a kid which he should have easily overtaken being an athlete with a much larger stride than a child!

The Room

Watch a film about way more than a room...
With a title of "The Room" I honestly would expect more of a horror film. This is not a horror film though, but with all the icky sex scenes one could consider it one. This film apparently one some sort of award, I am guessing that the people who gave this film the award thought this was a comedy as hearing the main characters awful accent with him saying, "Oh hi, doggy" would lead me to the same conclusion. That being said, I did feel a bit sorry for the main character as Lisa was pretty much a horrible person and quite frankly the dating scene is just full of Lisa's these days.

The story, guy is going to marry his fiance soon. However, she is bored so she starts a fling with the guy's best friend. Her mother is also found to have breast cancer which she reacts to in a very matter of fact way while the boys play football on a roof and Denny has been buying drugs to sell, while the best friend literally acts clueless every time Lisa, the fiance seduces him and Johnny likes to buy flowers and no Johnny! Put the gun down!

The film is just crazy and it has so many problems such as a moment at a party when it seems you see the exact same scene play out twice with differing results. Seems Johnny and Mark are going to come to blows, but shake and then Johnny and Lisa are going to go outside to talk things out. Then it seems to rewind (not on purpose mind you) and Mark and Lisa are flagrantly making out and Mark and Johnny come to blows. I am like, "was there something I missed?"

So, it was bad, but enjoyable in a strange way. I totally felt for Johnny as he was unattractive and looked strange, but no one deserves the treatment he got from Lisa. Just starting stuff because she was bored and playing both sides for her amusement. So many women like her these days acting like they are some rare commodity or something. They literally outnumber men in this country, but get a big head because some guys will have sex with anything. So kudos to Lisa for being the worst person in the film! I think that drug dealer was a more likable character!

Beware! The Blob

I enjoy this goofy sequel.
This is a film to not take seriously, but to sit back and enjoy. I honestly enjoy it better than the original film, as I never really cared for the original. Too many teens who are not teens trying to warn people with not all that much blob. Here it gets shown off a lot though sometimes it looks good and others not so much. Still, it is a film that is not taking itself seriously and is just so random that I find it a fun movie.

The story, for reasons unknown a scene where they accidentally unearth the original blob was cut, so instead we get to see a kitten frolic in the grass! Anyways, seems a guy was in the arctic doing research and he got a sample of something he found, oops! His wife has accidentally thawed it out and it is hungry! The first few attacks are really good as the kitten gets it first, then the wife and then the husband. Too bad they kind of went light on most of the kills thereafter using more point of view and quick shots. A girl watches the husband die and gets her boyfriend and of course, people think she is crazy as the blob begins its rampage killing hippies, doggies and sending naked Russian men into the streets! Okay, just one! It all heads to a finale at a bowling alley that is a pretty good finish for the film and seems a bit tighter than the rest of the film.

The cast has a lot of faces you will recognize within it and the characters that are portrayed are likeable enough. I liked the lead guy, sort of reminded me of Majore Gortner a bit and the lead girl was good too. I also liked the sheriff who was a bit clueless. You also get very small parts for notable actors so it is kind of fun trying to catch them all.

So the film is more comedy than horror, but I still enjoyed it. Like I said, the first blob I found to be boring while this one as random as it was, felt more entertaining. The remake from 1988 though I think is the best of the bunch as it boasted better effects and had lots of gore and was way more of a horror film. This one was just a groovy film that just shouted 70's tackiness! I also really enjoyed the death of the dude in the gorilla costume, I just wish I could have watched him suffer!

The Retrievers

Almost sounds like the title to a generic Lab dog film...
This film is odd, but entertaining in an amusing way as there is quite a bit of carnage and then the film will shift tones and almost be comedic in nature. Kids being shot and then fat guy cannot quite climb. Guy getting his head blown off at close range, fat guy accidentally punches his buddy out amidst a fight! That is the type of stuff this film was delivering as it seemed to want to be a super violent film at times and at others a bit more lighthearted...

The story, a group of mercenaries breaks into a house and grabs a older man while gunning down the family. I am assuming the guy who said 'no' is the one who later shows up at a house with plans to publish a book to expose the evil deviants...all through the movie I kept thinking, "wouldn't taking your story to a newspaper or a news program be more successful?" Anyhow, they go in and get him, but one of the guys doesn't care too much for this new job and soon he and the guy's who has written the book and is captured sister flees trying to evade the deadly organization of people in suits who like to scream when kicking! We get publishers fighting, we get dips in the pool (why is a fight always over when people fall into a pool in a movie, is getting out never an option?) and we get recruitment, joint smoking we get it all! We also get a fairly weak final stand off...

The cast is largely not one I recognize, the lead guy kind of looks like Jan Michael Vincent, but isn't and the reporter looks like Loni Anderson, but isn't, but no one I have seen a lot of.

So, not a really good film and it does go all over the place, but still, it was a fun watch. Actually had some good kills in it, but at the same time the strange shifts were so out of place at times. The lead guy's girlfriend is killed and the next thing you know he is having a montage out of nowhere with the sister! The film will keep you on your toes with all the tone shifts!


An ambitious movie that really falls kind of flat...
You can tell whoever made this wanted something big, something on the scale of a Lord of the Rings type film, but with some modern settings; however, it fails. This is probably due to a lack of budget as most of the effects are none too good as the dinosaurs from the 1993 Jurassic Park look more alive. Then again, as fake as the dragons look, they feel more real than the actors performances in this thing. I also get the feeling the makers just wanted to get to the rampaging as there are just so many characters relegated to seemingly important plot points but with no backstory! They just appear and do stuff to advance the plot and vanish like the wind!

The story, two dragons need to eat one particular girl to become more powerful! One is evil and one is good. A news reporter sees something that triggers a flashback that triggers another flashback and we learn of the tragic and stupid tale. The reporter who is played by a guy that was probably voted most bland man of the year in 2007 then must find the girl who makes Kristen Stewart during her Twilight run look Oscar worthy and he must grab her by the arm and pull her as a big snake like dragon comes after them! We then get an attack on L. A. before going to the set of Mortal Kombat II for the finish!

The effects at time look okay, but even when it looks like all this awesome stuff is happening and there is devastation the buildings look absolutely fine underneath. It is like you see debris flying everywhere, but no actual damage. The acting is beyond subpar and as I said, so many characters popping up with virtually no story, like the doctor and the hypnosis which accomplished nothing.

The movie had some entertaining moments within it, too bad they could not do a bit better with the technical stuff and get better actors. I am unclear why they chose to film this in L. A. rather than somewhere in Korea, it would have been nice if the lead guy was not so useless as his former self was way more cool.


Did whoever wrote the story line description actually watch the film?
Let me start by saying that the story line given here on IMDB is completely wrong. There is a heavy metal musician, there is a succubus; however there is no deal made to make the guy more successful with women. In fact, the dude has a hot girlfriend, I actually do not have a clue why he does what he does as the succubus is played by someone attractive, but not hot enough to be a succubus! I was actually going to give this thing a higher score too as I was wondering why the score was so low; granted, not super high, maybe a five, then then the ending hits and it is such a lame cop out ending I dropped my score two points because of it!

The story, well, it does not set things up very well as the movie seems to be in a rush to get started. Guy has dream of semi hot girl, scratches his back. He has a hot girlfriend who is better looking than the succubus and I see a fatal flaw with the movie. Girlfriend is having a college party so her sister can impress a sorority. Guy summons evil succubus and she turns up at the part where she just kind of kills slasher style and not very supernatural at all, though a couple of people seem to rise from the dead, but then the ending just baffles you and then a tacked on ending makes you want to punch the makers of the film...

The makers of the this film had something as I chuckled at a couple of the jokes, kind of enjoyed the way the film was going, but they obviously did not know how to end it. Also, a succubus has sex with men and if they kill the guy it is because they are draining them of their life, they are not knife wielding slashers!

So, improvements that could have helped, the lead guy should have been single as why would a guy with a girlfriend that was doing it with him even need a sexual demon! The succubus needed to be hotter, something hard to resist. The woman here was alright, but I sure would not fall under her trance and kill for her. Have a real ending, nothing sucks more than an ending like the one presented here. It had its moments, its gore, not quite enough female nudity for a movie about a succubus...but all in all it was also disappointing as that ending was one of the worst endings I have ever seen!


Some semi decent stop motion and gore and a very incoherent plot...
I am kind of baffled as to why this film has a 4.7 rating on here, I am guessing people who rate this highly are doing so because while this thing is completely awful there is entertainment to be had! It also makes one try to figure out the plot themselves as the first portion of the film is very disjointed and this film also seems to be one of those films that was filmed over the course of many years probably weekend shoots here and there. So you can also try to spot different era vehicles or play a drinking game where you have to take a swig every time someone's hair style changes mid scene! Bad, but a fun bad...

The story starts out with a bizarre dream sequence and something happening. Then we focus on rangers in a shed that looks suspiciously like the library set and the lodge set. Monsters are killing people and the man who holds the key puts on an annoying record with an annoying song, proceeds to dance and then his head catches on fire. Meanwhile, stop motion creatures run amok such as super chicken, weird bear thing, lizard thing and so many more.

The cast is of course not very good. You have the hero whose mustache changes throughout the course of the film. You have his partner who wears his sunglasses at night so you know he is cool. You have nondescript woman ranger who comes and goes like the wind and creepy lodge manager who yells a lot! Oh yeah, cannot forget the guy who owns a souvenir shop who does not seem all that important at first, but is also a hero of the tale and who keeps a very strange object in a box with his sacred tooth...

Once again, this film is awful. If you are not into making fun of stuff like this or seeing really bad films stay away at all costs! Not saying it is the worst film ever as I did like the stop motion effects, but the thing does not have a good story, the acting is bad and the editing will give you whiplash! Probably one of the reasons I enjoyed watching it, but I am not giving it a high score just because of enjoyment, I rate based on technical aspects and if it is not good I am scoring it low even if it was kind of fun.

Ôgon no taiyô: Hirakareshi fûin

Finally won this thing!
I got this game back in the day when it first came out. For reasons I cannot quite remember (it was 20 years in-between plays) I never finished the game the first time around. Then I learned that the game was not complete and I was never able to get my hands on the second part so I just never finished. That is until now, since I have gotten an emulator that has both this one and the second one in it. Not sure why the game was split into two parts as while the graphics are pretty good, there are not several cut scenes or anything that should make containing it on one cart difficult. Still, this one was fun, but man the story leaves one hanging.

The story has a town where one night a boulder begins to make its way to the village, adepts hold it back using their powers, but it eventually rampages the village and a girl's brother and parents are killed and the hero of the game loses his father. After awhile they enter the forbidden sanctuary and embark on a quest as villains have kidnapped the girl and Issac and his friend Garret must leave the only village they have ever known in pursuit. They will meet two other's with special powers Mia and Ivan as they travel to this lighthouses where the villains try to activate them for reasons not known to us.

The combat in this one is pretty fun as it is turned based, but you get to assign these creatures called Djinn to each character which boosts attack, gifts the characters with magic and can be summoned to perform super powerful attacks. You also have to use powers such as mind reading, reveal, move and lift among others to make your way through many obstacles along the way. It makes for some difficult puzzles at times, but not too bad. This game does the standard overhead map and entering towns, forests and caves which I like as I have yet to play a game that does not have the overhead map where the world feels all that big.

So, it was cool finally getting through this thing. It was much easier to do on my television rather than on the Gameboy Advanced suffice to say. Really helped me see things easier. I got to the Colosso tournament the first time, and as it turns out, that is pretty much near the end of the game. I think I got flustered during the tournament and forgot to save or something. Anyways, a fun RPG game that I would have preferred simply been whole when I got it, but at least now I do have access to the second part as I am curious to see where the story goes.

Fugitive Rage

Woman versus Italian mob sterotypes!
Was not sure what to expect, I was thinking it would be more of a trashy woman's prison film, but turns out it is more of an assassin type film with some sleaze here and there (the mob boss had the best bath toy one could ever hope for!) Still, not really a good film, but it was entertaining in its own way. Could have used a bit more action, then again, the lead girl was not exactly believable as a badass type...

The story, woman shoots a dude who just received a not guilty verdict and hits him point blank six times. She is sent to prison and he lives. Well she is offered a deal to shoot him again which she declines until she realizes that the mob guy is still trying to get her, so she accepts and soon she is at a safe house while numerous pointless scenes ensue and before long we get to the shootout at the end where she exhibits very poor stealth, but it is all good as the bad guys are worse at shooting than Stormtroopers...

The only actor of note in this thing is Ross Hagen who used to be in a lot of B movies in the 60's and 70's. I think of him as kind of a gravely voiced generic Steve McQueen. He is usually pretty good though in what he is in and heightens lowly films to be a bit better. The lead actress is pretty cute, but the nurse the mob boss had was too cute, and her death a bit too confusing...

So, not a good film, but better than one might think as it was made by Fred Olen Ray. He generally puts in a lot of sleaze and he does so here, but not so good on the bloodshed. The plot needed work too as I did not see the point of the main girl staying at the safe house rather than just going after the mob boss. Still, it passes the time and you get to see some nice looking ladies.

Yesterday's Target

It's as if Terminator and X-men had an unholy baby!
This film was obviously doing an X-men thing without having to buy the rights to the famous superhero team. They just threw the time traveling stuff as a bonus. What we get could have worked, but they apparently did not work with the script much as it sort of never really goes anywhere or explains anything. Maybe this thing was supposed to be a pilot for a television show, but it literally tells the viewers as little as possible on its way to its tepid conclusion.

The story, we see some stuff and then a man and a woman walking about and not looking too good. Three years later, Urkel named Roland here draws bad pictures that another man somehow is able to figure out who they are. He contacts a man who exhibits telekinetic powers. Then he finds a woman with the ability to see ever so briefly into the future and then a guy with pyro-kinetic powers. And thus the Y-men are born to combat all those who would deny the next step in human evolution, or something, it really makes no sense as there are two organizations and by the end of the movie I still didn't know what either ones purpose was...

We get a pretty strange cast as Levar Burton is the bad guy, doesn't really work. Malcolm McDowell as a sort of bad guy and Daniel Baldwin as a rather unlikable hero...well that is not fair, not too many likable characters in this film at all and that is probably more due to the crummy script which seemed like they wanted to do something cool, but could not figure how to bring it all home.

So, totally not a good movie as it seems like it wanted to be more, but failed to do so. Not sure if they planned for this to be a series as so many things are left vague, but then again the film ends with everything sort of being done. I just think they were trying to do an X-men film as they have so many elements one finds in their comics, but they were doing it on the cheap.

Amityville Horror: The Evil Escapes

It's a lamp...
Yes, nothing like that house from Amityville with the windows that look like eyes...well, forget about that house as it is not where the problem is this time. No, this time it is in that lamp that is so unforgettable. Okay, I have never seen the lamp in this thing present in any of the previous Amityville films, but it sure is really tacky.

The story, priests wipe out the evil in the old Amityville house, one of the priests, a younger one gets flung against a wall as he stares upon the lamp. Well, the priests declare the evil gone so the owner immediately has a yard sale and a woman who likes to buy garish gifts for her sister as gifts buys the lamp, cuts her finger on it and has a bit of trouble herself. The main brunt of the story is when a family dealing with the death of the husband arrives at grandma's the same time the lamp does and soon things begin happening and grandma believes it is the kids, but soon they figure out it is the lamp! Also, there is a dead plumber in the basement that is never discovered, poor guy...

The cast is typical for an Amityville movie with the exception of Patty Duke as the mother and man is she short! Her youngest daughter is about the same height as her! The boy looks weird and the oldest daughter is sort of in the movie, but not really integral to the plot. She does get to flirt with a boy before he loses his whole hand to a disposal...

So, this film pretty much does what a lot of the series did after the first three films, try to be gimmicky. Here it is a lamp, there is also one about a clock and a dollhouse. It all boils down to trying to use the fact that there were some happenings at the house, but most people figure it was all manufactured to get some money. Still, some of the films are entertaining.

No Retreat No Surrender

Almost good, but the film seemed to lack focus...
I watched this film and it had some good points to it as the fight scenes were pretty good and there was some good moments making you root for the hero. At the same time, the film seemed to be almost a parody or just simply got lazy as love interests come out of literally nowhere and some of the acting is a bit over the top. Meanwhile, people you expect to get their comeuppance never do and the big fight at the end gets reduced to something you would expect in an overbooked WWE match, not a karate tournament...

The story, well lets face it, is all over the place. The story focuses on the protagonist for most of the film, but at times forgets about him entirely. Mob guys are trying to take over karate schools, because those must be worth millions! Not really, the buildings these schools rent are probably worth more, why the heck would the mob bother? Who cares, a Russian hurts the hero's dad's knee and so they move to Seattle where the hero runs afoul of bullies and loves a girl we never meet until her birthday party where the hero is disgraced again. All is okay though as the ghost of Bruce Lee teaches the hero the martial arts and then he is forgotten as a school must duke it out with Jean Claude Van Damme! Told you, this thing shifts a lot!

The lead guy is likable enough and the bullies you want to see get beaten up bad! Too bad they set these guys up as awful jerks and then they never get any sort of comeuppance from the hero, though a couple of them get blasted by Jean! Jean is pretty good as the villain, but he becomes a bit too over the top during his last fight as he starts behaving like a heel in wrestling...

So, I liked the fights and I wanted to see the hero succeed. I would also like to see more development in areas as watching a guy just have a girlfriend who happens to be the sister of the head of a karate school is absurd! I mean, they had to film the scenes, right? So why weren't they left in, you edit out unimportant stuff, but a love interest who is integral to the plot you leave in! Also, I do not believe Bruce Lee would hit people in the head to get his point across, from everything I have heard about him he was a pretty nice fellow. Though, if you need help, dead people just come back and assist you? Man, I need to find someone who was really good at helping get people past depression then, I cannot afford an alive one...

Merlin: The Return

Another film from the South African movie company that only makes vague fantasy movies.
Yes, they brought to us the Little Unicorn about a full sized unicorn that children must free, the Fairy King Of Ar about kids trying to help their dad by releasing fairies and the Apprentice about a kid learning from Merlin...well, we get Merlin again and this time the kids seem almost like an unnecessary add on. Literally no point in them being in this other than padding the run time which is blessedly short as this film is just a bit of a jumbled mess.

The story, heck, what story? I mean, the scrawl before the movie has more story in it than the actual film. Some evil wizard is trapped in another realm thanks to Merlin, Arthur is asleep but wakes up and they must stop the wizard while a blond kid meets a girl and decides not to use a kill beam on Merlin and so he is knighted even though he did not really do anything at all...

This could of been good if you had ditched the whole kid angle in the film and focused on the other realm and added a few touches of what a sword and sorcery film really needs! Blood and nudity! Instead, they try to make it a kid's movie, but at times there are things that would be a bit too much for the kids of today. Me, I would have been bored of this as a kid as I am now, I literally watched The Sword and the Sorcerer when I was like 6 or 7, now that is what I expect!

So, what we get here is another film from the studio that seems to like movies with that blond kid. They did not seem to use the same house this time at least. We get some actors and actresses of note as Tia Carrea is in it! You know her? Well maybe you don't, as she only had a career thanks to Mike Myers having a fascination with her. You also get Adrian Paul! Though I did not know it was him for awhile then it clicked and I had to wonder why he was acting so much like a dunce. Anyways, pretty much like every film from that company in that they all feel unreal, like they were made in another dimension or something...

Teenage Space Vampires

Pretty bland vampire movie...
You are looking for a movie, maybe something cheesy and fun to watch. You see the title Teenage Space Vampires and you nod approvingly to yourself. You know it is going to be cheesy, probably some good gore and some nudity too! Well, you would be wrong on almost all accounts as never has a more bland vampire movie been made before as those Dracula flicks of the 50's had more blood! About the only thing we get here is a passable main vampire monster which takes forever to show up as do most of the vampires!

The story, well imagine if you took the Tobe Hooper visionary film Lifeforce, combined it with the very good horror comedy Fright Night and then kind of puked on them and then you cleaned it up and put it in a toilet that someone had just wrecked! Well you would get this movie that is trying to combine space and vampires and comedy but does so horribly! Billy sees an object and thinks it's a UFO, strange things happen and a soccer game plays a prominent role and at some point space vampires do show up...

Well, there is one thing even worse in this film than the story, the effects and the lack of anything interesting going on and that is some of the actors. I began to wonder if may Billy's parents were aliens as they did not act like any human I have witnessed before and his friend was pretty bad too, though it is nice to see one half of the Proclaimers working after their one hit.

So, you get a whole lot of nothing in this one for the most part as I believe this film is the only vampire film to ever be blood free! I mean, if you make a good story you do not have to have a total gore movie complete with lots of nudity, but the story in this one is not good and it does not chug along at a good pace either. I mean, you get to see two guys in a library looking up stuff to determine sunlight is the way to hurt a vampire...

Dancin': It's On!

Watch out for random mimes!
I only watched this film due to Rifftrax featuring it on their site and riffing it, definitely not the type of movie I would normally watch. I have also been to Panama City and can say it is not that happening of a town, just your typical tourist town; however, I was not there long enough to say whether dancing simply breaks out on the streets...this did not happen while I was there. The film has some good dancing though, but the acting at times is horrible making me think that for some of the scenes James Nguyen from Birdemic fame guest directed as his direction of "do not act like a human being would" was in full effect. Still, the girl who played Jennifer was very cute and seeing her brightened up my day!

The story, rich girl leaves Beverly Hills to live with her estranged father who lives in Panama City. She, for reasons unknown to me, is in awe of this tourist trap which is literally a redneck teen party town. Her father owns a hotel where everyone randomly dances and no one seems to get any work done, where dishwashers dance and fall in love with girls who spy them across the room and where the girl's father would never want his daughter to date a dishwasher, but tries to hook her up with the head bellboy... Well, everything is okay as there is a huge dance contest coming up which is sure to bring everything together!

There are no real stars in this one, as I only recognized one guy from Santa's Summer House. That being said, the girl playing Jennifer is about the cutest girl ever and I can understand falling for her, but you know, after meeting her and such. Of course, that being said, I was still kind of pulling for the other couple to win the dance off...

So, you get montages, dancing, dancing montages and strange stories of helicopter explosions! We have so much dancing that is on that one begins to wonder if it will ever shut off! You also get some really stiff acting in the non dancing segments of the film, so while that one girl is super cute, she cannot save this film from being rather bad...

Spider-Man: No Way Home

First film I've seen at the theater in over two years...
I believe the last film I watched at the theater was that Lion King remake, but before that it was Spider-man Far From Home. I used to go to the movies all the time, but due to the whole pandemic thing I have not gone in a long while and add to that crippling depression making going out for me a very difficult task. That being said, I am a huge Spider-man fan and I have seen all the Spider-man films in the theater so I managed to get out of the house for my off day from work rather than just staying in bed all day. I was rewarded with a very good film, full of action and nostalgia; however, that being said due to my state of mind it also made me severely sad and a bit suicidal. Just hard for me these days to fully enjoy anything with me growing older and life becoming a pointless endeavor. Still, I enjoyed seeing the old villains, especially Dr. Octopus as he is my favorite Spider-man villain from the comics.

The story, Mysterio's message at the end of Far From Home has Peter hounded by the press, taken in by agents and ruins his and his friends MJ and Ned's chances of getting into MIT. So Spider-man goes to Dr. Strange's place where he asks if there is anything the good sorcerer can do. Dr. Strange says he can make everyone forget Spidey's identity, but while in the middle of casting, Spider-man keeps adding stipulations causing the spell to go out of control. Soon enemies of Spider-man from the multiverse emerge and Spider-man must round them up so that they can be sent back; however, our hero soon learns that they are going to die and he wishes to help him despite Dr. Strange's protests. Soon Spider-man finds himself in the need of help as things get there darkest and he finds two other allies to help set things on the correct course.

The film is good, but it definitely did not help my depression one bit. Watching the scene where MJ was rescued almost had me burst into tears, as I remembered the scene from one of the other films and remembered my fiance who has since passed away was with me during this time. I also felt alone as Peter was and feel a sense of hopelessness as my life has no meaning, so while a good movie, it probably can hurt someone who is struggling with bad depression as I am. I was honestly hoping for a more happy type film to make me feel a bit cheered up more than one that made me go further down...

So a great film, one of the better MCU films and my favorite of Tom Holland's Spider-man films. I honestly, though, would love to see Garfield return to the role for maybe another Amazing film as it was good seeing him as Spider-man again and it would be nice to see some closure for his Spider-man. Heck, I would not mind another Tobey one either as that series never did have full closure either! That one is probably less likely due to Tobey's age though. I will say my only real complaint of the film is the lack of a new villain, this being due to the fact Spider-man has a whole gallery of villains so having a new one would have been easy and would have given the film six Spidey foes making them sort of a Sinister Six! That would have been cool, but still an amazing film all the same.

Devil Girl from Mars

Thanks a lot 'heroes'...
I was not sure what to expect from this movie as the title was pretty interesting. I was expecting an alien invasion film, but then as the credits were still rolling by I noticed that it was based on a stage play. How could an alien invasion film take place on stage, I wondered to myself. The answer, 90% of the film takes place in an inn and my guess is all the explosive stuff that occurred within the film only was mentioned during the play. So we get a very minimalist invasion film where the woman from Mars seemed okay by me!

The story, a group of people are staying the night at an inn, an eclectic group featuring the husband and wife who own and run it, their barmaid, a scientist and reporter, some movie star type and an escaped convict. Your basic stage players, but then an alien lands and wishes to take men to her planet for breeding purposes and for some reason the men there thought that other men would not gladly volunteer for this duty and try to stop her again and again!

Seriously, if this scenario occurred so many men would have no problem leaving this planet to become sex slaves. Sure beats the heck out of having to literally win women over on this planet. Your hair is wrong and you get rejected here and you are competing with a bunch of idiots who think the more women the bed the better their lives are or something. I would be more than happy to live this world behind and help out those poor Mar's women!

So, the film is pretty non-eventful for the most part with the exception of a few explosions. I found it funny that the people in the inn kept getting nervous as the curtains to the outside were moving instead of just opening them so they could see what was coming! Kind of worth a laugh or two, but not really all that impressive in terms of the subject matter.

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