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Fast X

Left me furious
#FastX (Spoiler-free)

At this point, I don't know if spoilers for certain aspects of this film would in fact be spoilers or be considered a PSA, but I digress. I get ahead of myself. Let's start from the beginning

Momma always taught me not to write angry. My local AMC being a scant 2 miles from my apartment, I decided it was as good a time as any to heed that axiom. Perhaps the brisk walk home would calm me down. Settle my nerves. Perhaps I could even devise a less profanity-laden diatribe of how awful this film was and approach it in a state of zen.

The walk worked a tad but when I started writing I could feel the seeth start anew. The endless cliched dialog recycled from countless other films, the stale humor way past its expiration date, the ok action sequences that were better done in previous Fast and furious films. The Ending... all of these intertwined to leave a rancid taste in my mouth.

Even the parts of the film that worked (Jason Momoa makes for a reasonably fun villain, Statham is always a joy to watch doing his thing) are fleeting, in the later's case his part is much to small, in the former the long bloated runtime dillutes his appeal somewhat

Is it an all together AWFUL film? Nope not really. It is what it is. Is it a vast disappointing outing for the series? YES

D (me being generous)

TLDR: Go on keep milking the franchise for every last drop and see how many of us say F it and merely wait for streaming.

Mercy Falls

One of 2023's best Tubi Originals
Can I just say how refreshing it is to watch a 21st-century woodsy horror/thriller and it NOT be 'elevated horror' that's symbolic of trauma

This TO (one Tubi acquired as opposed to making it in-house) is a well-shot scenic Scottish cat and mouse 'friends lost in the woods' picture that has good scenery, some nice tension, impressive acting and surprisingly well done gore effects. I found myself much more impressed than I expected.

As far as 2023 TOs go (and there are a decent amount of them thus far as Tubi seems to add three a week on average. Yeah that blows my mind as well) Mercy Falls climbs almost to the top.


Phone, energy drink, printer, remote, mouse

Sorry don't mind me, I'm just attempting to control my temper as to not obliterate this one inane awful dumpster fire of a remake. VERY sloppy on every technical level and don't get me started on the atrocious dialog

But hey we finally got a Stephen King remake worse than (insert pretty much every King remake made in the 21sr Century as they're all uniformly putrid)'So this film bot even clearing that extremely low var is extremely telling on the suffering you'll endure

Oh I almost forget. No spoilers but animal lovers do NOT go see this. You've been warned.

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

got my hopes up
Massive disappointment in this film. My own damn fault as I built it up in my head too much. When it was character-centric I enjoyed it a lot more, but the more action and generic it got my interests waned exponentially. Also too much 'hey this cage movie, memba that moments.

Everything Everywhere All at Once

best film of 2022
Profoundly deep, genuinely moving, utterly hilarious, highly imaginative and a visual feast. Haven't laughed this hard, cried this much or thought so deeply about any film in 2022 Much less all in the same viewing. This was indeed everything, everywhere all at once.

Girls Gone Gangsta

Why John Why??
This lame exploitation spoof was putrid. Must have spent all its money on the extended John Goodman cameo (Don't even watch it for his five minutes of screentime)

The humor falls not only falls flat, it hits the ground with a thud. Furthermore for all the female form gazing by the camera, there's no nudity none. So the one concievable rationale left to watch this xrap is gone

Welp at least I can say I've seen Goodman's worst film ...BY FAR

Seen on IMDBTv.

Huldra and Photographer

dialog free short with nice scenery
Saw on Prime Video

Nicely short dialog-free short film, not really much to it plot-wise but pleasant enough cautionary Nordic folklore horror tale none the less

Under the Silver Lake

Underrated gem
Dense diatribe on superficiality, this film is so very under-rated, unjustly crucified at Cannes. It may run for a tad too long but it's spellbinding satire with expert cinematography and noir trappings


Teen Sex Comedy staple
Sometime between when the great Bob Clark slayed the horror movie with the classic Black Christmas and sleighed the family film with the seminal classic Christmas Story, he took time to nail the teen sex comedy genre

Porky is fat out cult classic and a staple of the genre, and while a lot of it doesn't hold up especially during current day climate, a good deal of the film still does.

Point of View

Apparently the dead are fans of Doctor Who in the fun little comedic horror short. Makes up in smiles what it lacks in originality


stylish but generic
Saw this on HBOMax

a woman comes home to an empty house or is it? This short had some good tension and was atmospheric to a point. However it's undone by a generic scenario done many times before and will likely be done many times after. I was left with the 'is that all?' feeling

Jerry and Jumbo

Because baby elephant Jumbo masquerading as an overgrown Jerry is pretty much my spirit animal. Classic T&J short. Great ending

Never Kick a Woman

foxy boxing
A really fun role reversal love triangle when Olive Oyl finds her 'Bluto' in the form of a flirty female boxer/Mae West-type. Lots of great gags in this Popeye short.

Z-GOAT: First Bleat

I Want more
A well acted tense atmospheric slice of French goat horror that I enjoyed despite no real ending. I wouldn't mind a movie based on this.


Fun to be had if you can divorce yourself from previous incarnations
Step 1 to enjoying this film: Divorce yourself from the previous incarnation. This film is a nice fun burger and the del Toro films are filet mignon It trades heart and soul for gore and action sequences

Step 2: Realize that it's a Millennium Film and should be treated as thus. A dumb fun action film. Like pretty much anything they put out be they Expandables, the Has Fallen movies, etc...)

Those 2 steps will affect your overall enjoyment of this film exponentially. Not to say there are not many flaws with this movie. The jokes fall flat, there's not NEARLY enough Lobster Johnson in the film (Hell I'd pay good money to see Thomas Haden Church in a spin-off film reprising that character's earlier exploits( But I was able to enjoy the movie for what it was and not damn it for what it wasn't.

The Curse of La Llorona

Worst of the Conjuring Universe
First the good I'm glad that the film is out as the trailer played before every damn movie that I saw within the last 4 months. So that hell is over.

Now the bad, damn near everything else. Mediocre acting combines with a surprisingly unengaging story-line to make this one of the low points of the Conjuring Universe films. The film and everything that transpires within is also the dumbest of any of the films in the extended series. Lastly the lame attempts at 'humorous' one-lines fall flat.

The fact that the director of this is also tasked with The Conjuring 3 feels me with far more dread than anything that's contained in this film

The Pining

Grows dumber and absurd enough to count as a parody
Starts off a rather low-budget solitary zombie flick. Oh if it only stayed that way. Might have might a just ok short. MAYBE. However at even a mere 73 minutes or so it's still stretched ridiculously thin. The last 20 of which takes an already dumb film and triples down on it's stupidity. There's also a mid-credits stinger to sit through if you haven't thrown your remote through the tv at that point.

The Dead Don't Scream

But you will after wasting your time with this film
College kids go on a road trip to a place they shouldn't have in this dire little mess of a film. Struggling to think of anything redeeming about this and other than the opening scene of topless sunbathing, I'm coming up with a blank. And that's being generous. Horrid robotic acting and a threadbare plot both could've been forgiven if the film were fun. It's not.

The Midnight Man

A bickering couple take a trip to a weekend trip to a cabin in the woods in a vain attempt to save their crumbling marriage.unaware that someone is out there with malicious intent

I wouldn't want to spend 3 minutes with these two characters much less almost an hour and a half. It's grueling and moves at a snail's pace. And the 'action' or what passes for it, when it does come, it's not even worth it. A poor film on all fronts. Avoid it


would be advantageous for you to give this a look
What a pleasant surprise this film was. While trying not to get too much into detail, as not to spoil any of the intricacies of the movie, I'll say that while this is in the realm of sci-fi, the movie has much more on it's mind than merely that. It conveys as much in it's beautiful nuances and a refreshing subtlety that is sadly missing from many newer films of it's ilk. The film is also wonderfully acted across the board. So that doesn't hurt.

This mini-review was inspired by a haiku that I wrote on twitter, which I shall also include here for the sake of posterity (if for nothing else) Also in revised form as the original was sadly incorrectly in 5 7 6

Character driven

Well crafted slice of sci-fi

Deliberate pace

See No Evil 2

Kane this guy make a good movie ?
The only possible 'good' thing that I can attribute to this train-wreck of a film is that it almost makes me want to retroactively change my rating for the similarly atrocious first movie in this franchise and give it another star just so I can rate this one lower.

Anyways, Jacob Goodnight (WWE's Kane),comes back to life to kill incredibly dumb teenagers in a morgue, while contending with flashbacks to his overbearing religious nut of a mom The film's haphazard, illogical and doesn't have a scary bone in it's body. Not recommended except for perhaps the most lenient of slasher fans.

My Grade: D-

Diary of a Cannibal

Oh Ulli, why do I still act like a cinematic masochist by continuing to watch your unwatchable 'based on a true story' (albiet EXTREMELY loosely) waste of celluloid. Perhaps I've answered my own question. I AM a masochist, either that or the last true blooded optimist. Perhaps this one will be better. Maybe i won't long for the sweet embrace of death to keep me from viewing until the movie's end. Alas no. No such luck. i had to suffer through this spectacularly awful movie. Atrociously acted, shot worse than a student film. Unentertaining even in it's insipidness. DO NOT watch. DO NOT even let the idea enter your head.

Seance: The Summoning

Summon a better film next time
Four college friends who one night summon a demon who readily inhabits one of their bodies, have to figure out a way to defeat the demonic entity.

To say this is Writer/Director Alex Wright's best film is damning it with faint praise indeed, as the only previous films of his that i've previously seen were the abysmal "Wishmaster 3" and equally abysmal The "First 9 1/2 Weeks". At least this one starts off well-enough, if still stilted and unoriginal, before collapse in on itself and limping to it's conclusion. As it stands, the movie is still worthless, yet better than those two aforementioned stinkers.

Eye Candy: Cortney Palm is briefly topless (but as a cadaver, so....)

Brain Twisters

in order to twist, the film has to have a brain in the first place
Silly me, I thought that "Blood Trails" was the worst film that I'd have the misfortune to watch today. But lo and behold, here comes "Brain Twisters" to again prove me wrong, oh so VERY wrong.

This relatively bloodless tale of an insane scientist (but aren't they all) who's experiments with a video game make his student subjects into mindless murderous psychopaths, has nothing going for it. Insanely bad acting, and horribly disjointed storyline that at times I think was merely jotted haphazardly on paper cocktail napkins. This stinker not only scrapes the bottom of the proverbial barrel, but permanently resides there. It can't get much worse than this.

Blood Trails

Trailing off into obscurity
Anne cheats on her boyfriend with a deranged cop who turns out to be a psychopath by stalking her and her boyfriend while they're taking a mountain biking trip.

Predictable, unoriginal tripe that features unlikable characters doing idiotic things that will make one yell at the screen in disbelief. Not only did I glance at my phone to check the time while waiting for this film to finally end, thus putting me out of my misery, but i actively hated that i wasted the time watching it. Yes the movie is that bad.

Eye Candy: Rebecca Palmer gets topless (although it could possibly be a body double)

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