World Exclusive: J S Bach saves world from Aliens and Madeline Albright
This film was completely empty and boring and wasn't saved by some good special effects. The story was unoriginal (not referring to the 1951 version) in that we have had an overabundance of these catastrophic humanity-on-the-edge-of-extinction baloney types, that one would think that U.S. film and T.V. makers are trying to promulgate and copper fasten an ever impending attack psyche among Americans, convincing them of imminent attacks from either aliens or human terrorist types, for whatever reason or other you can make up your own mind. Personally, I think that we don't have to worry about aliens eradicating us, as humans will do that job unaided - but that's another story. Firstly, if the aliens obviously knew what kind of half-arsed job we humans had made of things so why land here at all, why not blow the proverbial out of us from space? For all their advanced technology, they lacked the basics of extinction warfare. And the way that the giant bodyguard dissolved into a scrillion little robotic metal-eaters, what was that all about? Also, the small arks that took away all other life forms to, presumably, return them at a later stage, surely it would have been easier to hypnotise the humans, take them away and leave everything else rather than eating the crap out of all and sundry? And what about Klaatu, rethinking his hideous mission, after seeing a few unconvincing tears and hearing a bit of tinkling of a Bach tune, so therefore the whole years-in-the-planning operation is gone for a Burton. As pathetic as the story was what about the acting, especially Mr. Reeves who after all, plays a half robot but still managed to convince me that his other half was a robot as well, and could John Cleese have been any more of a stereotype wearing a cardigan that must have came from a small flock of sheep, sporting a pair of absent-minded slippers, having a strategic blackboard in the sitting room, listening to Bach in a house needing a bloody good clean-up. All that was missing was a thoughtful pipe and an even more silly hairdo. Even Kathy Bates' impersonation of Madeline Albright couldn't save this one. I say watch the original.
I found this film to be flat and fatigued and if I could use one word to describe it, it would be tired . very tired (sorry that's two). Everything about it points to familiar story lines, scripts, acting, character types, shouting, swearing, and grimacing, we have seen in similar films over the years. There was nothing original on offer and even the appearance of the 'Big Two' couldn't convince me that this was nothing more than a spectacle that relied heavily on loyalty from adoring fans - aficionado's that are willing to accept third best and make excuses due to age, former contributions to the industry or an inability to conjure up criticism due to a misplaced sentimentality. Even on specifics, like the penultimate scene, Pacino's character wasn't redeemed in the slightest and his damnation was helped by De Nero's complete lack of meaningful dialogue. It is sad to see screen legends reduced to a mere whisper of their former selves.
I don't know how many months it took to make this dud but I certainly aged at least two while watching it, as the 'plot' for the want of a worse word - unfolded at a snail's pace. It was so appallingly boring I was actually looking forward to the add breaks. Do actors and directors really think that the public want to sit and watch this type of slow moving, grindingly obvious piece of nothingness? I mean it was so bad that I was even embarrassed heaven knows what a veteran-giant-among-thespians Paul Newman thinks about it, and as for Mr. Costner he was so wooden, that with a tactical spray of varnish he could've been used in building the boat. I was really glad that his character didn't survive the storm thus saving us more banality. Even the sporadic appearances of the aforementioned Mr. Newman couldn't save this from being filed under Rubbish.
Before I started writing I noticed that the plot synopsis was empty pretty much like the film itself. The storyline was lame and pedestrian as was the script, with the plot being of the childish variety. I couldn't identify or empathize with any of the characters of which we had about six with a plethora of 'walk-on' beauties' reemphasizing Mr. Nicholson's choice of women. The humor was unoriginal and stale. It felt 'staged' and consisted mainly of farce with looks and grimaces of the seaside 'naughty postcard' variety. It was also a bit weary having been seen in umpteen 'Battle of the Sexes' films. Don't get me wrong, I'm a great admirer of both Nicholson and Keaton but not on this occasion. They should take a long hard look at their respective contributions as I think they were 'hamming' it up from beginning to end. I've never liked Keanu Reeves in films as I think he has chosen the wrong profession. He is wooden, unconvincing and seems to have a very slight speech impediment making his lines feel torturous. All in all, this film lacked everything it set out to do, i.e. to be funny, witty, original and enjoyable! The writer should have took another look at 'As Good as it gets' as it was everything that this offering wasn't with the characters being well crafted, original, believable and even pathetic.
Where do we start with an offering like this? I nearly said film but that would be going a step too far. The only thing hellish about this film is that it is certainly a marriage made in hell, between nothing and nonsense, baloney and balderdash. These films should carry a physiological health warning so as not to damage one's spirit to the point where one might believe that all good film makers have left the planet and their resources have been handed to the dunderheads who have make this classic piece of trite garbage just like it's sister in arms "League of Extraordinary Twaddle". They are neither science fiction nor fact, entertaining nor thought provoking, humorous nor weighty but lay in a twilight zone devoid of any and all accoutrements that entice people to give up their valuable time, sit in a darkened room and generally be more enlightened, enlivened or happy at the end of it. If we could award "Turkey" points for films like this, this would be a turnip, as we would gone through the turkey, ham, potatoes, sprouts, gravy and all other embellishments before reaching rock bottom.
There are scenes that should stand out in cinematic history, and in this film we have two. Unfortunately one is spoiled by a whiskey drinking, rifle totin', gun slingin', Stetson wearing, yippee yah aye cowboy, who for whatever reason, has obviously took an incorrect turn when coming to work that morning, gone to the wrong film set, donned a Roman battle dress, decided to use his normal wild west slang as usual, even though the set was slightly different to his customary, two horse one Gal situation and wreck complete havoc. What I'm talking about is of course the complete abhorration - namely John Wayne's eight word cruise missile strike at the end of the crucifixion. Up until Wayne's point of attack, the whole scene was beautiful, the acting superb and the cinematography was breathtaking, like an artist's hand tediously darkening the canvas as the Christ's hour draws near and the unthinkable happens! I have never forgiven the director as he must have been made an offer he didn't understand, been on a bender of hallucinogenic substances or both, to allow this ghastly intrusion. The second is the rising from the dead of Lazarus. It was perfect. Completely unobtrusive as the audience, quite rightly take a back seat, and let the family cry with joy as their sibling and friend enters the small doorway of the tomb announcing his rebirth with not one cowboy in sight
Ham fisted and beautifully boring were the first words that came to mind when I saw this film. One could have told the same story in half the time without the horses, in fact the horses were much maligned and probably could have asked for a bigger cut of the film rights as they were the more honest in their trade. At the end of the movie I said to myself "Big Deal", Marlboro man meets career women and the audience is sandwiched somewhere in between. Who was trying to save whom and who was going to find redemption was beyond me. Like the kid who snapped his neck after the accident (lucky or not) at least had an easy demise where the rest of us had to merrily chew on our film programmes and watch the fun and frolics of 'old folk n'joyin a bit of country life at the expense of us old ignorant city folk. The scenery at least was beautiful and should be adopted by tourism America. Please please, we are not unintelligent viewers and deserve better.
This film was a very lame attempt at been humorous. The jokes were poor, overcooked and could be seen at least two lines before hand. I didn't have a decent laugh during the whole movie and was sorry I wasted my time viewing it until the end. The worst thing about this type of baloney is that a new genre of film seems to have been invented by some studios i.e. "unfunny" funny film whose only reason for existence is to lull the viewing audience into some sort of trite "twilight zone", letting them think that they go home in a jovial and entertained mood where the exact opposite is the case as the discerning viewer goes home unfulfilled, cheated and slightly disgruntled. Unfortunately, we have been exposed to a plethora of these films for too long as more and more of this type of banal movie is served up appealing to increasingly demoralized audiences as certain movie makers lose sight of the hilarious belly busters of yesteryear with their razor sharp script writers, ludicrous plots and acting beyond belief. They have become nothing more that "cash cows" for some actors to make a few extra dollars to keep them in the lifestyle that they have been accustomed to and are disingenuous to both, us their audience, and true comedians alike.