theSecretAlchemist

A young man beats the traffic by rowing to work every morning. The journey is serene, and life-affirming. There is a hint of romance with a woman fishing on the pier each morning. This idyllic picture is threatened when one woman decides to take advantage of the young man's insight.

This is a technically brilliant short film. Dialogue is eschewed and tensions and conflicts are conveyed through facial expression and a heightened awareness of montage in the editing. The actor playing the main character goes adeptly from contentment, to frustration, then seething anger, and back to contentment. The music complements the action. I especially enjoyed a revolving door shot that exits an early scene.

The one caveat is the second character to enter the boat, an overweight ignoramus whose animated tie lays it on a bit thick, and whose expressions when disposing of a potato chip wrapper are slightly vaudeville. This guy's presence slightly overplayed the conflict in the boat.

We all desire peace and tranquility. When we have it, we probably take it for granted, until it is threatened. Often, it is the small pleasures in life we should treasure, like the sun on our faces, or a leisurely commute to work. This film does a good job of reminding us of that.

Well, you already know by now that this might be the worst movie ever made. Certainly a contender for the Top Ten. But you might be like me and think, "If it is that bad, it might be good." We learn from our mistakes, and we can learn from other people's mistakes too, so sometimes it is fun to sit back and imagine the writer/ director/ cast and say: "What WERE they thinking?"

I was wrong. It is not fun. It's very very painful. I had to watch the video over a week in 20- minute chunks, I couldn't take any more than that. Someone should be locked up for this film, it is a crime against humanity. Actually, that is not true. I crewed once on a film where, very early into the shoot, everyone except the director and DP realised it was mince. (The director and DP might just have been faking their enthusiasm better). The shoot became a real trial of endurance for everyone involved, like being trapped in a train carriage where there is a raving nutter and everyone pretends nothing is happening, desperately praying for their station to come round. My sympathies to the crew of Wing Commander.

"Based on a video game." Doesn't that kind of say it all anyway?

... not THIS lame. Jackie looks old; every time he has to fight or do a stunt it just reminds you of how much faster, slicker and younger he used to be. Tucker is going through the motions - he had two amusing moments, one about calling Chan 'Kiko' and another when he dances while forgetting the dangling hostage he was supposed to be rescuing. As for the plot - forgetaboutit. Max von Sydnow? Could you have flagged the bad guy any louder if you'd given him a Hitler moustache?

It gets three stars; one for each of the jokes that made me smile, and one for the blooper reel, the funniest thing in it. To get maximum enjoyment from this movie, wait for the DVD and go straight to the bloopers,

You can get past the absurd premise, the two-dimensional minor characters, the clunky script and the plot incongruities. What you cannot get over is the biggest failure in this film - trying to make Richard Gere funny. He isn't funny. Pretty Woman works because he is the straight-man who melts and opens up because of the hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold. Here, he is supposed to deliver ironic asides and sarcastic put-downs, and it just does not come off. It is unfathomable why these actors showed up for this. In every interview I have ever seen with a successful actor, they always say their reason for choosing a film is the script. If the story is fresh, challenging and engaging then nothing else matters. What made Gere and Roberts think this would add a new dimension to their CVs? You can only imagine they saw an easy way to cash in on the PW thing, and went for it. A real, real shame.

Inside Man is a decent enough film to rent on DVD on a wet Friday. The main intrigue comes from figuring out who the bad guys were. All the other sub-plots - where Owen disappeared to, how Washington will win his power game with Foster, what order Dafoe will give when it all goes pear-shaped - are either telegraphed early on or lack dramatic tension. Also, pay too much attention and some glaring plot holes reveal themselves. But, there is some crisp dialogue, a few laughs, and the always (well sometime, in the case of Owen) charismatic cast to enjoy. Apart from a couple of asides about colour-prejudiced comments, the only thing that tells you this is a Spike Lee joint is the credit roll. Intriguingly, there is one excruciatingly embarrassing moment when a female-specific (in the US of A, that is) expletive is aimed at Foster. Lee has been eloquent and accurate in his condemnation of Tarantino's over-fondness for using language that discriminates against African-Americans: all the more the pity, then, that he chooses to so clumsily deploy similar language tactics for gender bias. I get the feeling Lee made this film to prove a point, in order to show that he can be a decent genre filmmaker, on a par with Soderbergh in Out-of-Sight mode. Well, he made his point. I for one would like him to get back to doing what he does best, making polemical films about issues that matter.

Koichi Sato gets all the best parts. He gets it on with two great women in this film. And no doubt he was paid well for the privilege, too... Kiki is new to me, but I'll be looking out for her from now on. Nobody has ever worn a red silk negligee so well. The woman has legs that go on forever, as one great shot reveals when she runs her toes down Sato's back. Tae Kimura's sweet beauty contrasts well with the hot sensuality of Kiki, the Ziyi Zhang compared to Kiki's Li Gong. In one scene they both wear kimono, and Tae wins that round on points - Kiki looks better undressed.

The story, about a guy torn between the comfort of a beautiful wife and the passion of a young lover, is told in flashbacks, slowly revealing a more sinister side to the events that begin to plague Sato's Arisu. The plotting keeps you guessing till the very end - beyond that, in fact. Lush and sensuous, tragic and beautiful, Starfish Hotel is a feast for the senses - and a treat for fans of eye candy.

The international cast and crew of Memoirs of a Geisha do a good job of adapting a great book. The performances from the three Chinese female leads are captivating, with Li Gong coming out on top. The atmospheric opening captures the poverty and desperation of an age that forced people to sell their children. Yakusho Koji is as commanding as ever in his role of the proud but self-loathing industrialist. Only Kaori Momoi and Ken Watanabe fail to excel, managing competent rather than thrilling performances. The story moves along at a brisk pace, the sets and costume design are dazzling, and the whole thing keeps you enthralled to the end.

So why do people love to beat up on this movie? It boils down to some specious arguments about what is authentically Japanese. There are only two points to make about this. First of all, if Liam Neeson and Ben Kingsley can play Germans in Schindler's List, Robert Carlyle can play a Russian in 007's The World is Not Enough, Geoffrey Rush can play an English courtier in Elizabeth, and Chara can play a Chinese hooker in Swallowtail, then why is Chinese actors playing Japanese a problem? And second, if authenticity is so prized in Japan, why are so many of the Westerners with bit parts in Japanese films so clearly miscast? Go look at the little Indian guy playing a Portuguese in 7 gatsu 24 ka dôri no Kurisumasu to see what I mean. How do you say 'double standards' in Japanese?

Memoirs is a cracking tale well put together by conscientious filmmakers. I hope all the negative press that blew up around the film does not put off other non-Japanese filmmakers from coming to Japan and trying to capture this wonderful, cinematic culture on screen.

Christian Bale's emaciated Trevor is an image that stays long in the mind after this film has finished. I came late to this movie, and unfortunately missed it on the big screen, where the nightmarish visions and metallic sheen of factories and cars would have been displayed at their best. The story of a man whose past comes back to haunt him is a familiar enough tale, the enjoyment is all in the telling. Bale delivers a powerful performance as the paranoid, misanthropic Trevor. The pacing is spot on, the editing stylish but unobtrusive. Why isn't this film better known? It is steadily building its audience and will no doubt be revisited as a classic.