bizdog Reviews (3)

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

Er, you've kinda got it wrong.

[23 October 2002]

I remember being surprised, upon leaving the theater after watching the Blair Witch Project on opening night, at the number of people who were frightened and disturbed by it. I had mostly been bored as hell, and found no value in the film. So I started listening in on the conversation, and I began to hear the same line repeated over and over: "I can't believe that actually happened. It must have been so scary!"

The same is said often of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, in an attempt to excuse its complete idiocy and inanity. "Oh, it actually happened, and Hooper was simply retelling the story." NO - I'm sorry, this is LOOSELY - UTTERLY LOOSELY based on the same serial killer Ed Gein that Psycho slasher Norman Bates is based on - and look how VASTLY different the movies are. Serial killers may often be used for inspiration, but rarely is there enough story on its own.

Saying that, I'd appreciate no more flipping comments about how "it must have been so scary for those poor teenagers" - because there were no teenagers. Don't be duped into thinking this actually happened in order to be scared. The movie, first and foremost, should be able to survive without this knowledge - which it doesn't.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

FUNNIEST MOVIE I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME

[14 August 2002]

I dig a good (or bad) horror movie like the next person. And I'd heard from many people that the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was worth watching as a seminal flick in the horror genre. I am also willing to appreciate the fact that, while some scenes from horror movies don't stand up over time (Norman Bates at the end of psycho rushing through the door making funny faces in a wig and dress realllllly loses it after forty years), i can appreciate its value.

That said, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a terrible, terrible, terrible movie. It has NO value from character development, NO plot to speak of, no plot points, NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING. Ultimately, of course, before analyzing a film, you base your feelings on your gut reaction - in my case, i have never laughed harder (well, i suppose Hercules in New York with Arnold Strong had me laughing).

This movie holds up over time simply from people who were around when it came out 30 some odd years ago, and were scared. these people persist in their belief that it is actually a good movie, and it is not. Saying it is lowbudget is not an excuse. It doesnt take a budget to write a good story, an interesting story.

There was not a single likable character in the film. They were all whiners, and i was rooting for their early deaths. The opening scene with the hitchhiker in the car was so fucking funny, especially when he cut open his hand and they STILL FAILED TO PULL OVER AND KICK HIM OUT was hilarious. Yeah, this guy's not a f*** up, let's keep driving and staring at him.

Most of this film was just running around. I'm not sure what "mood" people are talking about as being pervasively scary. The only mood i can sense is the same mood from the blair witch project - we've got a camera and an environment that is technically creepy; let's just film around and try to wig people out.

Listen - i like bad movies, but i admit they are bad movies. We all have a special place in our heart for those one star calamaties. But at least be able to say they're bad. This is A BAD MOVIE. There is NO opinion involved.

Watching Ellie (2002–2003)

good god did this suck

[26 February 2002]

I was not expecting too much with this show - seeing the success of most spin-offs from Seinfeld failed, I was hoping Watching Ellie wouldn't suffer the same fate...but the show was just plain terrible. While the real-time format was somewhat original (sorry, "24" made it first), there was absolutely no structure whatsoever to the show. There were random events after random events, and the show literally became...well, a show about nothing - and not in the good way. The jokes failed regularly; while I applaud their decision to avoid a laugh track, there's something else they should have done away with: sitcom jokes. While the show is not all sitcom jokes, there were enough in there to realize just how bad such styled jokes are without a laugh track to encourage your humor. There was no Sex and the City humor in here, or even Malcolm in the Middle humor. Frankly, there was no humor. The little clock was no longer a means to orient yourself in Ellie's world - instead, it became more of a dragging clock. It is kind of like being in school, watching the clock and waiting for the 12:00 lunch bell...and the clock just drags sooooo slowly. Watching Ellie crashed and burned pretty damn badly.