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Reviews

High School High
(1996)

Severely underrated parody
Man, you people are harsh. I didn't think this movie was bad at all. Heck, the first time I saw I fell in love with its stupidity. Before I start the review I'll explain my rating. I would have given this movie nine stars but I had to do my part to bring up the rating by giving it ten stars. 5.6? 6.0 is better rating for this movie. At any rate...

The plot is that Richard Clark(Jon Lovitz) leaves Wellington Academy to go teach at Marion Barry High School against his father's best wishes. Richard believes that he can make a difference there and on his way he falls for a gorgeous teacher called Victoria Chappell(Tia Carrere).

High School High was a spoof on those troubled high school kids movies like Dangerous Minds, Lean On Me and Stand And Deliver. Unlike the crap that passes for parody(like anything by Seltzer and Friedberg) HSH hits all of its targets and actually has a story tied to the spoof. Compare that with spoofs that are just about picking on pop culture and meaningless gags. Jon Lovitz was hysterical and as a comedic actor, he never got enough credit. Tia Carrere was gorgeous as well as funny and Louise Fletcher was funny too as the irascible school principal. Mekhi Phifer as well as the supporting cast add to the laughs too. If you can appreciate parodies that aren't extremely gross you might like this one. I feel its one of the most underrated spoofs ever produced by the Zucker Brothers. Two thumbs up.

Phat Beach
(1996)

It's Phat
I remember watching this movie recently. I had avoided watching this movie for a long time due to negative reviews but I finally caved in and saw it. As I was watching it, I found myself laughing as the movie went along. Phat Beach doesn't take itself serious so why should you? Phat Beach is a coming of age story about a plump kid named Benny(Jermaine Hopkins) who is unsatisfied with his summer and reluctantly joins his boisterous friend Durrel on a trip to the beach. Benny borrows his father's car for the trip and the rest of the movie deals with their misadventures at the beach.

Jermaine Hopkins is immensely likable as Benny. He comes of misguided at times but has a heart. Bryan Hooks is hilarious as the mischievous Durell. Granted that there are times when I didn't laugh but I laughed at 85% of this movie. That's way more then I ever laughed at any of the so-called comedies that are out these days(including anything by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg). I find these critics amusing. All this talk about quality films while they're religiously watching Quentin Tarantino's(overrated one-trick pony hack)crappy overrated films. Pulleeze! At any rate Phat Beach is an underrated funny treat for people who don't pretend to be high-brow movie critics and can enjoy a movie for what it is. If you can do that you might like this one.

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
(1990)

"So many a-holes so few bullets"
I remember this movie getting a chilly reception at the box office. I remember that even Dice fans where saying that this movie blows. I remember seeing for the first time late 1999 and I liked it. I bought the DVD for a cheap price at a pawn shop and have seen it 5 times since then. Its a fun movie to watch. It amazes me how fans of Andrew Dice Clay could hate this movie. Its exactly what you would expect from a movie with him as the lead role.

Ford Fairlane(Andrew Dice Clay)is sent to find an idiotic groupie named Zuzu Petals(Maddie Corman) by a friend/shock jock named Johnny Crunch(Gilbert Gottfried). His search turns into a murder investigation after the Johnny Crunch gets electrocuted on air. Ford later gets caught in a web of corruption involving a slimy record executive named Julian Grendel(Wayne Newton), a sex scandal involving Julian's former wife Colleen Sutton(Priscilla Pressley) and a theatrical hit man named Smiley(played by Robert Englund with a silly British accent).

Yeah, I know the movie is kind of dopey and can be misogynistic at times but I like watching this movie. Andrew Dice Clay was hilarious in this movie. I like the banter between him and Ed O'Neil's character Lt Amos, a former disco artist of a defunct group called Disco Express. Ford gets into some pretty crazy situations in this movie but its cool to watch. Some of the funniest and coolest one-liners were in this movie. Its mostly comedy with a slice of satire on the music industry in the 90s. Directed by Renny Harlin the precursor to Michael Bay(don't get mad at me you said so yourself), The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane is better than most people give it credit for. It was a wild and fun ride that reminded you of what made 90s movie so cool. Its definitely better than The Adventures Of Pluto Nash and Hudson Hawk. If you're a fan of the Diceman then I don't see how you couldn't like this movie. Unless you have a ridiculous high standard for every movie you are about to watch, it couldn't hurt if you gave this one a try.

The Rocketeer
(1991)

So underrated it's sad
I have always loved this movie. I will never stop loving this movie. It reminds me of the time when directors made film with a love for the craft as opposed to these hacks that make films for the love of money. In this day and time you will rarely find a movie that is this fun to watch and has a good story to boot.

The plot is simple enough: Cliff Secord(Bill Campbell) finds a rocket in his airplane. This rocket is sought after by mobsters and a Nazi spy working undercover as an actor named Neville Sinclair(Timothy Dalton). Cliff uses the rocket to thwart Sinclair's gang.

Bill Campbell is perfect as Cliff Secord. He's headstrong but still immensely likable. Jennifer Connelly is great as his girlfriend Jenny Blake and Alan Arkin gives a strong performance as Cliff's mentor but wise best friend Peevy. Timothy Dalton gives one of his best performances to date as Neville Sinclair. Neville Sinclair is a great villain without being over-the-top with it. I've always like Timothy Dalton as an actor even when he played James Bond. Paul Sorvino's role as the mobster Eddie Valentine shouldn't go unnoticed either.

The thing I like most about The Rocketeer is that its a fun movie. Watching Cliff test the rocket for the first time remains in my mind in a place so snug. The director respects the time period(1930s) without contradicting it(like a few directors that do period pieces tend to do). In short its a blast from the 90s that is more enjoyable than the overrated dross that is out now. Its definitely worth a second look.

Before I leave I will say this: do not take directors like Joe Johnston for granted or you will be responsible for the onslaught of Follywood hacks. I've seen Joe Johnston's whole catalog of films and have yet to find one stinker among them. He's earned my trust and how many directors can you say that about? Not many. In conclusion support directors that respect the art of film-making or you will be sorry when all that is left are the hacks. Think about it.

The Wood
(1999)

Its all good in The Wood
The Wood is a funny and heartwarming coming of age film that uses its all star cast effectively instead of wasting them like movies these days tend to do.

The Story: Roland(Taye Diggs) is having cold feet on his wedding day and his friends, Mike(Omar Epps) and Slim(Richard T. Jones) try to help him get over it. While they help him overcome his anxiety of getting married, Mike recalls their younger years growing up in Inglewood California. Mike recalls how he first met Slim and Roland and his childhood love Alicia(Malinda Williams).

Taye Diggs, Omar Epps and Richard T. Jones are all great. The chemistry they have together makes the movie fun as it moves along. There are a lot of funny moments in this movie(when Mike gets beat up by Alicia's brother, The vomit scene,Mike dancing with a plush toy bunny and the dance scene when Mike rises to the occasion and tries to play it off) and some warm moments.

What I like the most about The Wood is its brutal honesty. The people in this movie are realistically portrayed(just like most of Rick Famuyiwa's movies). Now I know most prudes are going to detest how these boys in this movie act but just remember one thing: THEY ARE KIDS! If this movie would have had these youngsters thinking about anything other than girls it wouldn't be realistic. Movies that show us human beings as imperfect will always get slammed by pseudo-intellectual bourgeoisie puppets but who cares what they think.

In conclusion The Wood is an excellent coming-of-age movie that is necessary requirement for any fan of Black Cinema. Two Thumbs up.

Love Jones
(1997)

The coolest love story you've never seen
Late film critic Gene Siskel said that this movie shows how easy it is to make a movie. He was giving it a compliment even though now that might have been taken as an insult these days. Even though I didn't always agree with Gene Siskel, I agree with him here. Love Jones is a shining example of how a love story should be: realistic with real characters in real situations.

The story chronicles the ups and downs of the relationship between Darius Lovehall(Larenz Tate) and Nina(Nia Long). Larenz Tate and Nia Long are more than just a beautiful couple on screen. These two actually have chemistry together. You can feel the vibe between these two whenever the are on screen and its fantastic.

Bill Bellamy is pretty funny as the deceitful Wood and Lisa Nicole Carson is great as Nina's friend Simone. Isaiah Washington is just as great as Darius's close friend Savon and I sigh every time I see him in a movie. The guy is a great actor who never got any credit. I've seen performances from him(as well as Larenz Tate) that put some of Hollywood's best to shame. Follywood will never got over themselves.

Love Jones is a wonderful love story full of interesting and likable characters that are in realistic situations that anybody that has been in love can relate too. You love these people because they are believable and are not portrayed as gangsters and tramps. Not one obscene stereotype can be found here. Contrast that with the Romance movies of today. Exactly. In closing if you love Black Cinema then you would do well to own a copy of this movie.

Wendy: The Wendy Williams Show
(2008)

How You Doin? Not so well!
Shows like this are exactly why I don't watch TV much. Why would anybody give Wendy Williams her own show? What psychotic freak thought this was a good idea. If you are not hip to who Wendy Williams is, she was a famous radio personality whose only claim to fame was spreading gossip on celebrities(mostly in the music industry). She found a fan base in the complete and utter morons from New Jersey and New York and has been the in thing ever since. Since then she has slammed by every rapper from the late Tupac Shakur(who bagged on her in the song called Why U Turn On Me) to Method Man of Wu Tang Clan and 50 Cent. The incident where she mentioned the health of Method Man's wife and he threatened to thump her into the ground is when people from Up North started to say maybe she isn't cool after all(she was never cool to begin with!). The show is basically her gossip column, what to wear, cooking recipes and interviews with celebrities. Thats it. There is no depth to her character, her coarse voice is annoying and she has the same lousy habit that Tyra Banks has with the constant talking about herself when interviewing guests. Most of the questions she asks her guests wouldn't be out of place on TMZ. Yeah, they are THAT thickheaded. She was obviously given her own show to keep the masses stupid. I watched half of a couple of episodes of this crud. Why half you say? Because her show is too boring to watch straight through. If you are in need of something better than a sleeping pill then watch this show. If you are looking to be entertained then you've definitely came to the wrong place. Even if you watched shows like this for entertainment reasons you will be bored out of your skull. I recommend steering clear of the garbage show though.

PS: Am I the only one who thinks she has the cheesiest theme show music ever?

Mississippi Burning
(1988)

"What is wrong with these people"
I never understood why this movie was never on the Top 250. If American History X can make the Top 250 why not Mississippi Burning? Even Crash made the top 250 and this movie is way more powerful than Crash will ever be. Incredible. Mississippi Burning is a very hard film to look at but a very truthful and gritty look at racism in southern Mississippi during the Civil Rights era.

The story details FBI agents Rupert Anderson(Gene Hackman)and Alan Ward(Willem Dafoe) search for the killers an African-American male and two Jewish males. Their search takes them to the heart of Mississippi where the racism is deep-seated and the police are inflexible to a fault. They later realize how deep the police involvement in the killings were.

No other movie about race relations has moved me like Mississippi Burning has. American History X is phenomenal but it didn't make me as angry as this movie did. I wish I had the power to stop these psychos from doing what they did. Mississippi Burning was the movie that made me question my faith in organized religion. I couldn't fathom that I was believing in the same belief system that these racist lunatics were believing in. I dumped belief in organized religions after extensive research at the age of 20 but this movie sparked my curiosity. Gene Hackman is wonderful as Agent Rupert. He steals every scene he is in. Willem Dafoe is great as his partner Alan Ward. Agent Anderson(Hackman) handles things in an unconventional manner while Agent Ward(Dafoe) is by the book. This is where Dafoe showed his true potential before he started screwing up his career by appearing in raw sewage like Speed 2, Boondock Saints, Body Of Evidence and XXX: State Of The Union. Also great in this movie is Brad Dourif as the racist Deputy Clinton Pell and R. Lee Ermey as the racist mayor. I also like how they showed the views of the average ignorant Mississippian and how the cops either participated in the killing and terrorizing of Blacks in Mississippi or sat back and watched it happen.

Conclusion: Mississippi Burning is the best movie of 1989 hands down and is definitely required viewing. But be forewarned that this is not an easy movie to watch. But if you can stomach the racial violence and slurs you have a gem on your hands. I find it sad that the director Alan Parker didn't have many movies after this one.

Theodore Rex
(1995)

Theodore Wrecked
These reviews that claim this movie is so bad its good are going way overboard with that one. This movie does not have the guilty pleasure badness that Leonard Part 6, Battlefield Earth and Gigli had. Those movies were entertaining in their awfulness but this pile of dinosaur dung is so bad its painful. I haven't been in this much pain watching a bad movie since I watched Baby Geniuses and Superbabies. Before I start the review let me tell you the story. Theodore Rex is a $35 million dollar bust The New Line Cinema refused to put in theaters. They cut the losses sending it straight to video making it the most expensive straight-to-video movie in decades. Whoopi caved in to be in this disaster after a huge paycheck.

Plot: a millionaire clones dinosaurs so he can launch missiles at the sun which would kill mankind and start another Ice Age. A female cop named Katie Coltrane and an idiotic dinosaur named Theodore Rex reluctantly team up to stop him after the death of a buddy dinosaur.

The plot is given to you in the beginning of the movie which robs the movie of all its mystery. Then you have to deal with the fact that this movie is actually quite awful. Whoopi looks agitated and is trying to wing it with her performance but to no avail. Theodore Rex is flat out annoying and his bumbling behavior wears thin after five minutes on screen. Most of the jokes revolve around him threatening to bite people and hitting people with his tail(on accident and on purpose). I thought Burglar was bad but it takes a backseat to Theodore Rex: the worst movie of Whoopi's career.

Don't let anybody tell you this monstrosity is bad enough to be enjoyable. I didn't see that when I watched this movie. All I saw was a train wreck that was written by people that must have had some sick admiration for movie Howard The Duck. The humor is on that level and Theodore Rex looks like the inbred cousin of Barney. Utterly painful from start to finish.

Brown Sugar
(2002)

"You are the perfect verse over a tight beat"
Its kind of sad that I couldn't find this DVD in stores and had to revert to purchasing it online at Amazon.com. You can find 100 copies of some overrated blockbuster in these stores but you cant find one copy of Brown Sugar. I think somebody is making sure that we remain sheep-like trendies. At any rate...

The story is about Sydney(Sanaa Lathan) and Dre(Taye Diggs). Two best friends that have feelings for each other but never attempted to date each other. Sydney is a journalist and Dre is a record executive at Millennium Records. Dre ends up marrying a woman he just met(played by Nicole Ari Parker) and Sydney is not too happy about it. Sydney ends up dating a ball player(played by Boris Kodjoe) and they end up getting engaged. Dre has to deal with with a record label that only cares about making money and Sydney has to deal with her feelings for Dre.

Sanaa Lathan and Taye Diggs have wonderful chemistry together. They come across as real people on the screen and that is one thing I enjoy about Rick Fumuyiwa's movies. The people in them seem like real people and not these cardboard cutouts that we are used to in Hollywood movies. Also great in this movie is Queen Latifah and Mos Def who plays Chris, a struggling hip hop artist. Brown Sugar is not only charming and has a heart, its also smart and funny too. I'll admit that I laughed quite a bit especially at Rin and Tin scenes. I also love how the movie uses Sydney and Dre as a metaphor for hip hop. Its a well written and well acted movie that deserves a lot more credit that it receives. Nowadays movies are being oversold to death and stealing all the hype from movies that deserve hype. Its sad but this is the Follywood machine at work and it has never been any other way. Sanaa Lathan is not only a sight for sore eyes but she can actually act. Taye Diggs brings his usual charm to the film and I must say that they make a beautiful couple on screen.

Conclusion: Brown Sugar is one of the best and is most underrated romantic comedies of 2002. The story is great, the acting is cool and the chemistry is there. What more can you ask for from a movie? The people that gave this movie less than 7 stars should stick to reviewing Quentin Tarantino and his awful overrated movies(all of them!)and leave movies like this one alone. Tired and formulaic? You spineless fanboys say that about every movie that isn't oversold by Hollywood! That's why I hate reading most reviews on IMDb because most of the time they all go along the same lines. Don't you freaks have anything different to say? Just like I thought. Support the black directors that give you great work and Rick Fumuyiwa has given you great work with The Wood and Brown Sugar. Don't take directors like Bill Duke, Rick Fumuyiwa, Matty Rich etc for granted because you will helping in the downward spiral of quality in Black cinema. Give Brown Sugar a chance. It deserves that much which is more than I can say for most of the over-hyped junk that comes out now.

Bait
(2000)

Better than you'd expect
I am amazed at how this movie(and most others has a average 5 stars and lower when there are crappy movies averaging 7 to 10 stars on IMDb. The fanboy mentality strikes again. When this movie came out just about everyone slammed it. Even my ex-girlfriend said this movie questionable. Years later I sat down to watch this movie and I found myself enjoying. Even laughing quite a bit. This and The Replacement Killers are the movies that had people labeling the director Antoine Fuqua as the black Michael Bay. I don't see how since most of Fuqua's movies are smarter than anything Michael Bay has came up with. At any rate...

Story: Alvin Sanders(Jamie Foxx) is former convict that is used by a no-nonsense Treasury agent Edgar(David Morse) as a pawn to catch a killer named Bristol(Doug Hutchinson). Alvin's every moves are tracked by a bug implanted in his jaw after an accident. While these agents are after Bristol, Bristol is after the gold bricks that were taken in a heist gone awry.

Jamie Foxx is funny as well as great as Alvin Sanders. Alvin is a fast-talker that is a lot smarter than he lets on. Doug Hutchinson is okay as Bristol. He can be over-the-top sometimes in his John Malkovitchesque demeanor. He was better here than he was as Looney Bin Jim in Punisher: War Zone. David Morse is good as the hard edged treasury agent. Even Mike Epps is funny as Alvin's brother Stevie. Both him and Jamie had some funny moments on screen.

The only flaw of the movie is the some of the attempts at a thriller fall flat. The scenario at the horse race track is way over-the-top but I couldn't look away. The director went all out there so he gets points for that. Plus the bomb scene with the treasury agent tied to a chair while the detonator rests on the door was pretty nifty.

All in all Bait is not a bad movie by a long shot. Its never boring, its always funny and I wasn't checking my watch every minute. That should count for something. Bait is one of the most underrated movies of 2000 period.

PS: to the reviewer that claimed this movie is too violent.... How long have you been living under a rock? I'm pretty sure you've seen the Die Hard series and EVERY movie by Quentin Tarantino. But those movies aren't violent right? Weirdo.

Strictly Business
(1991)

Strictly fabulous
I don't care what anybody says. Not many movies can capture the essence of the 90s like Strictly Business. See back then it was about having fun so the comedies we watched were just fun. Plus this one was pretty funny and had a slight sense of awareness(some comedies had that even Boomerang). Nowadays what passes for comedy is sheer garbage just like these overrated movies that Hollywood oversells to death. At any rate..

The story: Waymon Tisdale(Joseph C. Phillips) is a bank investor that is not too happy about his love life with his swishy and domineering girlfriend Diedre(Anne-Marie Johnson). He meets a beautiful girl named Natalie(Halle Berry) and ends up falling for her. He calls upon the help of a mail room clerk named Bobby(Tommy Davidson)to aid him in getting her.

Tommy Davidson is funny as hell in this movie. So is Joseph C. Phillips. He is pretty good as the square but likable Waymon Tisdale. Halle Berry was just gorgeous here as Natalie and to tell you the truth I like her 90s movies better than the junk she's in now. There are too many funny situations to name them all and Strictly Business perfectly captures everything about the 90s urban culture whether its the music or the fashion.

Pay no attention to pompous and sheep-minded critics that cant even write real reviews. If you want a 90s comedy that's fun to watch then look no further. If you want something overrated beyond belief then follow these easily manipulated puppets but prepare to be disappointed if you do.

8 Million Ways to Die
(1986)

Release this movie on DVD already!
4.0 out of 5 stars Release this movie on DVD already!, May 23, 2009 It never ceases to amaze me about how many good movies are only on VHS while some the most crappiest films in recent years get Blu-ray treatment. 8 Million Ways To Die got poor reviews but it was actually pretty good.

Jeff Bridges plays Matthew Scudder, a burned out cop whose life goes to shambles after a raid goes wrong. Things in his life don't get any better when he meets a prostitute called Sunny(Alexandra Paul). Sunny ends up getting murdered and Matthew tries to solve the murder.

Sure the character development is scant and some of the lines in this movie are howlers(like Sunny exclaiming which part of her anatomy glows in the dark) but the movie is not bad. Jeff Bridges shines as Matthew Scudder and Andy Garcia plays the scummy character of Angel Moldonado well. Rosanna Arquette is pretty good also as the smarmy and snobbish Sarah. These are the performances that keep the movie afloat.

Its kind of sad that this underrated drama never got a DVD release. Its like depriving people of seeing a movie that deserves a look of seeing it while shoving crappy films(like anything from Seltzer and Freidberg) down their throats. If you're in the mood for a good drama with a good story and solid acting you cant go wrong with 8 Million Ways To Die.

Jump Offs
(2007)

Surprisingly good
I know this movie might be pretty crass at times and may come off as misogynistic but Jump Offs is pretty hilarious and it achieves what it has set out to do. Plus you learn more about being a player here than you do in Def Jam's How To Be A Player. Derrick Simmons not only directs Jump Offs but he also stars in it as Malik/Oops as well as narrates the whole movie.

Jump Offs details the lifestyles of 5 different players. It shows how the lives of these players are affected by the choices they make whether right or wrong when it comes to choosing women. Its shows different ways that these guys can handle their situations.

I'll tell you what I like about as well as what I don't like about it. Oops is pretty funny as as well as being a jerk at times. I can't believe for a second that these gorgeous sisters would even hook up with Oops much less give him the type of day with his messed up teeth. Oops looks like Martin Lawrence's character with the screwed up teeth from Blue Streak. The game show skit was pretty humorous too. Once they showed the baby with the jacked up teeth, I had to catch my breath because I was laughing so hard. The DL player part was hysterical too. "I really like you", "Yeah I really like you too". "No, I mean I really like you" Huh?". It was a silly scene but it managed to get a few chuckles out of me.

There are a few things I didn't like about this movie. The scene where Oops pays a friend of his to rob his car with his baby mother still in it doesn't sit too well with me. This scene was in bad taste and should have been left out. Also I have been to different areas up north like All 5 boroughs of New York, Trenton and Newark New Jersey and Boston and never came across girls that was as courteous as the girls in this movie. I know that not every girl from up north are snooty but to make it seem like every girl up north has common courtesy is being unrealistic. Especially when those girl are well-mannered towards Oops and that is pushing it. Any girl from New York would have shooed him away without a second thought. The self-loathing Kenny character was WAY over-the-top(think Uncle Ruckus from the animated show The Boondocks only younger and more reprehensible). Im not sure what purpose his character serves besides being despicable and wearing his self-hatred on his sleeve. It gets uncomfortable to watch him mouth off to pretty black women because they are not sick-minded as he is. Also how is that Bryant gets the hell beaten out of him and Kenny gets kidnapped after mistreating his girl when he finds out she's mulatto but Oops never gets what's coming to him? That doesn't sit too well with me either because out of all those guys that deserved what they got Oops never gets his comeuppance.

Despite this rough spots Jump Offs is not that bad. Its not great but its good and some effort was put into this movie. Plus I like the message about cherishing the woman that loves you before you lose her permanently. Plus any movie that doesn't have me checking my watch every second can't be that bad. Only recommended for those that aren't snooty to a fault and can look past its flaws to enjoy it for what it is.

Big Momma's House 2
(2006)

Another unnecessary sequel
I liked the original Big Momma House. Its was silly at times but it was funny as well as fun and I enjoyed myself watching it. This sequel lacks everything that made the first one great. Big Momma's House 2 is easily the most boring comedy sequel of all time. I found myself checking the time every five minutes and 1 hour and 39 minutes have never felt so long.

The plot is pretty weak plus it shows no reason for Malcolm to be "Big Momma. At least the first one gave you a semi-believable reason for Malcolm going undercover as Big Momma. But this sequel is too lazy to give you a slightly believable one.

Martin looks like he's bored out of his skull and pretty much sleepwalks through the whole movie. The rest of the cast does the same. The villain in the first one(Terrance Howard's character) wasn't too shabby. The villains in this movie are pathetic. I don't think I laughed one time. I might have had a slight chuckle or two and maybe a silent grin but other than that I was pretty bored.

Big Momma's House 2 is one of the most unwanted sequels since Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps. It was only made out of greed to capitalize of fans of the first one but the only people that would like this movie are the are the Dawson's Creek audience. This movie is weak, banal and utterly soulless. Totally devoid of anything that made the original interesting and amusing. Only recommended to those that still find Pauly Shore funny.

Cyborg
(1989)

Van Damme's worst
Look, I can enjoy a mindless Van Damme action flick like anybody else. I liked a lot of his movies like Hard Target, Sudden Death, Kickboxer, Bloodsport, Death Warrant, Universal Soldier, In Hell etc but if there was one movie I had to single out as Van Damme's worst it would have to be Cyborg.

Story: Gibson(Jean Claude Van Damme) is out for revenge after a gang of punks lead by Fender(Vincent Klyn)killed his family. He ends up having to look after a cyborg that holds a cure for a disease that has wiped out half of the world.

We could talk about how bad the acting is but that's preaching to the choir. The sets look like crap and the whole film reeks of low budget. The villain Fender(who looks like a rejected Garbage Pail Kid) wins the ham of the year award in 1989 hands down. He is some cornball that beats up on people and is used to spouting silly lines like "take you to the murder show" and "I like the pain, I like the misery, I like this wooooorrrld!". The fights scenes(which are usually the bread and butter of JCVD movies) suck horribly and top it off the movie is boring. Everybody looks like they've been mud wrestling all day and for a hero of the movie, Gibson spends most of the time getting his butt kicked. The final battle between Gibson and Fender is downright cheesy(and not in a fun way I might add). In short Cyborg is JCVD's worst movie and yes, I've seen, The Order, Street Fighter and Universal Soldier: The Return. Even JCVD most cheesiest films have an entertainment value to them but not Cyborg. Its a boring mess that is quite possibly the worst post-apocalyptic film of all time. I guess I shouldn't expect a decent film under the same director that gave you Adrenalin: Fear The Rush.

Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects
(1989)

One of Bronson's better movies
I remember when Kinjite first came out. It received harsh reviews from the Beavis and Butthead of snob reviewers(no names needed..you know who they are). When I finally saw it I liked it. Of course it's not perfect but what movie under Golan and Globus is? Plus they trashed the movie because of the subject matter but the subject matter happens in real life.

Plot: LT Crowe(Charles Bronson) goes out of his way to bust a child prostitution ring. He ends up furious after his daughter is molested by an Asian man. He later has to help an Asian man find his own daughter after she was kidnapped. Here is a twist: the same man Crowe has to help molested Crowe's daughter.

The storyline is what keeps the movie interesting. The action scenes are kept to a minimum and Charles Bronson had some pretty funny lines. The main reason why I like Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects is that you can tell that there was an effort to make it work. It wasn't your typical Charles Bronson fare and that made it appealing. My biggest gripe with the film is that the same guy that molested Crowe's daughter is never dealt with. That just doesn't sit too well with me but other than that it was a good movie.

Its easy to slam this movie based on a subject matter that repulses most people but that isn't being fair. Child prostitution is a reality so bashing a movie for showing a reality is pretty damn stupid. But what can you expect from the same critics that gave Speed 2: Booze Control two thumbs up? If you love the late Charles Bronson's movies than you cant go wrong with Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects. Its better than the weak link of the Death Wish series.

Three Can Play That Game
(2007)

Game over
Two Can Play That Game caught me off guard. When I first started watching it I started rolling my eyes. As the movie progressed I was laughing and was enjoying myself. The way the movie ended threw me off completely but that is what made that movie special. It tricks you into thinking you can predict how the movie is going to end up then BAM! Nice surprise. Three Can Play That Game is a soulless, unfunny, and mean-spirited sequel that is just as corny and weak as you would expect a direct-to-DVD sequel to Two Can Play That Game to be.

Story: Byron Thomson is caught by his girlfriend Tiffany(Jazsmin Lewis) in a compromising position with Carla(Kellita Smith), a TV executive. From then on Tiffany seeks the advise provided by Shante Smith(Vivica Fox) to help manipulate Byron and the relationship. Byron uses the advise from his best friend Gizzard(Tony Rock)to manipulate the relationship. Byron ends up using Shante's advise to help him manipulate Tiffany and Tiffany follows the advise of her friends, Linda(Terry Vaughn) and Monica(Rashan Ali) to manipulate the relationship.

As you can see this movie is very confusing plus it doesn't even have the good intentions of its predecessor. Two Can Play That Game had a great message: You cant turn love into a game to be controlled because you will lose. Plus it was pretty clever in how it conveyed that message. This movie doesn't seem to have much to say plus its quite annoying to see these attractive brothers and sisters act like childish high-schoolers throughout the movie. I wouldn't have a problem if it were a means to an end but its not. Add that to the fact that this movie tries to use the same type of jokes from the first movie and fails.

Vivica tries to inject some personality into her character but she comes across as a huge douche bag(if you can call a female that), whereas in the first one she was a likable person with a wayward view of relationships and men. And her performance in this movie is quite forced. Jason George, Tony Rock and Jazsmin Lewis all give forced performances and it shows. Did I forget to mention that this movie is boring? Lethally boring.

In conclusion Three Can Play That Game is a direct-to-DVD sequel that will join the ranks of other bad direct-to-video sequels like House Party 4 and Home Alone 4. The humor falls flat and the movie doesn't even have heart(which the first movie has). Even if you haven't seen the Two Can Play That Game you wont like this one. This is Two Can Play That Game for the Lifetime crowd. Two thumbs down.

Woo
(1998)

Woo Who?
There are three kinds of bad comedy: The painful, the so-bad-its good and the boring. This movie falls in the third category. In 1998, a black movie bombed so bad in theaters that it was dissed by everybody. That movie was Woo. Steve Harvey even took a swipe at the movie in the Steve Harvey Show: "Im available like 20 copies of Woo at Blockbuster". Now I know that a movie that bombs at the box office doesn't always mean its bad but Woo really does stink. The positive reviews on Amazon are the first positive comments that I ever heard for this movie. I hated this movie. Everybody I knew hated this movie. These positive reviews are funnier than the actual movie itself. Woo looks like a sitcom that was canceled for a good reason.

Story: Tim is set on a blind date with a Woo, a nutty woman who spends most of their date trying to loosen him up. They get into some messed up situations and end up falling for each other in the end.

What kills Woo is that nobody in this movie is likable. Tim is a hapless geek, Woo is a neurotic freak and Tim's friends are the most ignoble and annoying brothers ever in a movie. On top of all that Woo is quite boring. I watched it recently and had to fight sleep for 90 minutes. Its a shame to because the actors in this movie all have personality but it doesn't show in this film. Its not their fault, its the dull material they had to work with. There is only one time I laughed: when Frankie and Romaine where trying to convince Hop that he was being fawned over by drag queens. Every other attempt at humor falls flatter than Suge Knight after one punch. You know a movie sucks when Dave Chapelle isn't even funny in it and he can be very funny even when he is in a crap movie(think Screwed). In short don't waste your time with this bomb. The script sucks and every actor and actress looks like they were bored to death while participating in it. Plus Jada and Tommy have zero chemistry together. Jada Pinkett would move on into better things and Tommy Davidson's career started to fold after this movie. If you want a better movie starring Tommy Davidson stick with Strictly Business and Booty Call. If you want a better movie starring Jada Pinkett stick with A Low Down Dirty Shame and Bamboozled. Woo is a waste of time and film.

Alien: Resurrection
(1997)

Series Termination
Alien and Aliens were sci-fi classics that can still be enjoyed till this day. Alien 3 was very flawed but it still had its moments. Alien Resurrection is a joke and shouldn't even be mentioned as a part of the Alien trilogy.

Plot: Mad scientists clone Ripley to get the alien that was inside of her from the previous episode on the maximum security prison. Later on Ripley stumbles upon a sick experiment to breed aliens with humans.

Opinion: At least Alien 3 had a chance to be great. This movie was dead once the plot unfolded within the first ten minutes. Sigourney Weaver telegraphs her performance in, and the rest of the cast does the same. Wynonna Ryder unconvincingly plays an android that was sent on the ship to protect the gung-ho crew aboard and supposedly destroy Ripley. The special efforts are the only thing this movie has going for it. Whereas Alien and Aliens had more of a story plus great special effects and chills going for it. Alien Resurrection plays like one of those campy B-movies of the 80s. Mindless action sequences, asinine plots and plot holes, corny one-liners and leaps in logic. Why would anyone clone someone to get an alien? The last 20 minutes with the alien/human spawn with an attachment to Ripley comes off a pathetic attempt to tug at the heartstrings with all the subtleties of a sledgehammer. Its safe to say that Alien 3 was the last of the series.

The Sweep
(2008)

What up? Not this movie!
Damn shame. Low budget cinema has come to this? The whole movie in a nutshell is Kadeem Hardison and the comedian Godfrey play two idiotic garbage men who act like black versions of Tom Green until they stumble upon some cash and start to spend the money on everything they wanted. The problem is the money belongs to some mobsters and one of them finds out that these two dummies have their money and go looking for them.

The movie is a complete and utter bore. Kadeem Hardison, how far has he fallen? He went from being in great comedies like Im Gonna Get You Sucka and and being in the best black show to grace the TV screen, Different World to being in garbage like this? Wow. Godfrey was always a sporadically funny comic but here he just stinks. Both Kadeem and Godfrey look like they are bored to death and if there is anything I hate is when people act bored in a movie. I understand this is a low budget flick but at least act like you're having a ball and overact a little. They both act like they don't want to be here and if that was the case they shouldn't have made this flick period. The acting is terrible and the jokes faller flatter than Johnny Fairplay after a body slam. Don't waste your time on another deadly dull comedy. What Up is more proof that bad comedy is not fun just painful and unpleasant. Sweep this movie under the rug and stomp it!

The Inkwell
(1994)

Underrated beyond belief
The story: Drew has problems coping with his life after he accidentally burns down his house. His mom(played by Suzzanne Douglas and Dad(Joe Morton)move with her sister and from then Drew's life changes.

Larenz Tate is pretty good as the naive but likable Drew. Suzzanne Douglas is great as Drew's mother and Joe Morton is perfect as Drew's father Kenny. Glynn Turman is good also as the ignorant and arrogant Spencer Phillips. Duane Martin is just hilarious as Jr Phillips. And for me the silliness only made this movie more appealing.

Its a shame that Matty Rich(the director) never had another movie after this one. But I understand all too well that any gifted black director that gives us positive images will not last in Follywood. There is no high demand for them and a lot us will only promote the black films that these childish schizophrenics promote. If you are over the age of thirty and you still allow these freaks to dictate to you what quality entertainment is then you should be ashamed of yourselves. The negative reviews for this movie are the reason why positive black movies will never get the love they need. You cant pine about positive images for Black people and you would not support a movie like this. We owe it to Matty Rich as well as all other talented black filmmakers to support movies of this ilk. Two thumbs up for this touching coming of age movie.

Deliver Us from Eva
(2003)

Predictable but good
Yeah, this movie is kind of predictable. The ending could have been seen a mile away but I like this movie a lot. It was recommended to me by the same friend who recommended American History X to me. He wasn't wrong about that movie and he wasn't wrong here. I was skeptical about seeing Gabrielle Union(who is too fine for words) playing a feisty character but the movie was a lot better than the previews led me to believe.

Story: 3 men who are constantly hen-pecked by their girlfriends' sister Eva hire a player named Raymond(played by LL Cool J) to date her so they can spend more time with their mates. Raymond ends up falling for Eva when he realizes that there is more to her than meets the eye.

Gabrielle Union was perfect as the high-strung Eva. I never looked at her the same after this role until I watched the movie recently and saw that her character wasn't that bad. The people that really annoyed me were the black three stooges Mike, Tim and Darrell. I mean, kidnapping Raymond because his relationship was making theirs look bad was in bad taste. I know it's just a movie but that was pretty low what they did. I laughed a lot at Eva when her attitude changed around once she started to date Raymond. The scene where she was in the beauty salon after a night of passion with Raymond had me on the floor rolling. I know women tend to act funny after receiving great sex but man was she goofy. I'll admit that LL Cool J and Gabrielle Union made a great looking couple on screen. There is actually chemistry there and LL lends a certain charm to his character Raymond. I think we need to give LL a little more credit as an actor. When he did his first lead in Out Of Sync I laughed at him but now he's lot better. He was good in Edison Force, S.W.A.T., Deep Blue Sea, Kingdom Come and here in Deliver Us From Eva.

Critic are being too hard on this movie. Of course it's predictable but what movie isn't these days. I wasn't checking my watch every minute so that has to be a good sign. It was pretty funny at times and it was sweet. As a retelling of Shakespeare's Taming Of The Shrew its pretty good. As a product of Black Cinema its one of the best romantic comedies of recent memory. There I said it.

Chaos
(2005)

Last House on The Left for dummies
This movie is exactly like Last House On The Left. So much so that as it moves along you would think that you were watching the Wes Craven classic. The only difference is that they changed some parts around. You know a quick revision but not enough to not recognize the movie they are stealing from.

The story is basically two naive girls on their way to a rave mistakenly walk into the clutches of the dumbest and most ugliest people ever captured on film. They are tortured and killed and the three idiots oops I meant criminals go to the house of one of their parents. Sounds familiar? It should.

The acting terribly unconvincing. I never once believed those girls were in danger but I do believe that they might have had a bad case of the runs. The villains were stupid and pathetic and this movie even has a campy subplot involving idiotic cops just like Last House On The Left! Seriously, this movie is really bad and gives low budget cinema a bad name. There are some low budget movies out there that are good and are made with heart but this is not one of them. The director(David DeFalco) is this fiasco should be forced to watch his own rubbish till his eyes bleed. Honestly, Batman and Robin was scarier than this slop. Lets hope that this mangy dog doesn't inspire more hacks to be hacks because low budget cinema doesn't need anymore than it already has. Two thumbs down.

Class Act
(1992)

Why isn't this movie on DVD yet?
I'll never understand why this movie never got a DVD release while terrible comedies(like anything produced by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg) get released and the Blu-ray treatment. Life can be harsh sometimes. Class Act is one of the fond memories I have of the 90s.

If you don't already know this movie details The misadventures of Duncan(Kid of Kid N Play) and Blade(Play of Kid N Play). These two get mistaken for each other after in accident in the office and crazy hijinks ensue.

The funniest scenes would have to be when Blade is teaching Duncan how to be hip. Meshach Taylor is pretty funny as Duncan's father who thinks that Duncan might be a little sweet. Every time Wedge gets beaten up I laugh and when Rhea Pearlman(who plays Blade's teacher) was hitting on Blade I almost lost my breath laughing so hard. Yeah, its easy to think about what would happen if the mistake had never been made but that would have made for a boring movie.

Class Act is one of the funniest movies of 1992 and the fact that it isn't released on DVD while movies that everybody knows are horrible are released on Blu-ray is a crime. I recommend this movie to anybody that's a fan of 90s comedy. 100% funnier than the garbage that passes for humor these days.

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