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Alan Partridge is a wannabe megastar of the chat show world. He has designs on making himself a household name as a presenter of high quality family entertainment, interviewing celebrities, sports people, and newsworthy individuals, as well as engaging in some witty banter with the more comedic elements of the entertainment world.

Unfortunately, try as he might, he is simply awful at his job.

Rude, offensive, tactless, imbecilic, the man should no more be presenting a chat show than a paraplegic should be doing an impersonation of a spider. No matter how hard he tries he's fooling no-one.

Revel in the cringe-worthy world of embarrassment that Alan inhabits. Squirm as he digs himself into spasm inducing conversations and feel nothing but pity for the waste of human flesh we've all come to know and love.

Superb TV.

Highly regarded cult classic that doesn't really stand up to scrutiny. Joe 'Gremlins' Dante's stab at a werewolf movie is a confusing affair. In every regard, this should work.

It's smart: smarter than your average horror movie, and that's a fact. 12 out of every 9 psychologists confirm it.

The effects are great. Dated? Yes but, unless you are the kind of slack-jawed dimwit who believes that 'there wor any gud filums mayd befour ninekeen nineky free' that shouldn't be an issue as, you know, special effects were possible before the advent of CG freakin' I.

There's a decent line-up of cult luminaries, including Dee 'Critters' Wallace, Patrick 'Avengers' Macnee and Robert 'Voyager' Picardo.

The story is above par, too. Yet, somehow.....some....how, it doesn't hang together particularly well, and you find your mind wandering off, thinking about other things.

How many olives can you fit into your mouth in one go?

If Macnee were wheelchair bound, would he have still worn a bowler hat in The Avengers?

All sorts of things that are nothing to do with the movie.

I've already touched on them, but another mention must go to the special effects, which are truly outstanding, and acted as precursor to the Oscar winning effects from An American Werewolf in London later that same year. The effects alone elevated this by one skull rating, else this would have hit a 4 for me.

I know, I know, fellow cultists, I am an unmentionable arse-sheriff, but there it is. Disappointingly average horror fodder, then, despite the promise of its component parts.

Christ, I love horror anthology movies.

Something about the format just really, really works. The short running time of each tale seems to focus the mind of the writer, compelling them to shed unwanted fat and hone efficiently chilling tales of gore and ghouls more regularly than their full length movie counterparts.

Three tales, here, with an additional throwaway 'wraparound' tale to bind them all together:

Wraparound: Debbie 'Blondie' Harry plays a witch who intends to cook a child in a large oven, and makes the necessary preparations, lining a large baking tray with aluminium foil and setting the gas mark to 'human flesh.' Well, the kid is no idle dimwit, and sets about delaying his death by telling her creepy stories from a large tome.

Tale 1: Steve Buscemi reanimates a 3000 year old Mummy. A veritable array of stars here, as Christian Slater, the aforementioned Buscemi and Julianne Moore all get to creep it up with a long deceased Egyptian. Pretty spooky, pretty funny, in the blackest sense of the word, this is a good opener.

Tale 2: A wealthy old man hires a hit-man to kill a cat. Written by Romero and based on a Stephen King short story, expect plenty of darkness, and it's delivered in spades, the standout moment being a cat forcing itself down a grown mans throat.

Tale 3: An evil gargoyle spares a mans life, on the condition that he never speak of the incident. Easier said than done. Another good tale, and a solid closer to the anthology.

With gore, genuine scares and solid script writing, this is a cut above most horror, and is recommended to all.

Based on a short story called 'The Forbidden' from Clive Barker's excellent Books of Blood collection, this is a stylish, violent, bloody and utterly superb horror movie.

Tony Todd plays the eponymous Candyman, a folk legend who appears to his victims if they dare utter his name into a mirror five times. Virginia Madsen is the plucky journalist eager to get to the bottom of the story.

The set pieces are gripping, and Tony Todd's performance is bone chilling.

It also contains some of the most quotable lines in a movie I've ever heard:

"Be My Victim."

"What's blood for, if not for shedding?"

A must see horror movie.

The good people of Perfection are now so used to The Graboids they have turned to exploiting them for tourist trade, fooling eager gawpers into believing they have seen a Graboid even when the area is perfectly safe.

Everything seems fine until, inevitably, The Graboids return, in both their above and below ground forms and, worse still, the authorities prohibit them from being killed to allow the scientific study of a new life-form.

Burt Gummer is on hand to provide some gun-toting enthusiasm to proceedings and, just when things seem to be coming to a conclusion, a fresh twist: the Graboids take to the air in a new incarnation; ass-blasters.

Whilst the budget seems to be cut in half with each successive sequel, the balls out action and gloopy good spirits remain, mainly due to the fact that cast members from both previous movies pop up to join in the fun.

Sporting some of the worst special effects this side of Godzilla Vs. Mothra, this a a B-movie creature feature only true devotees will appreciate.

I liked it.

CI5 operatives Bodie and Doyle spend their time fighting criminals, shooting at criminals, chasing criminals in their glorious array of classic 70's cars (the Ford Capri being my personal favourite), and generally acting as we would all like to act given half the chance.

Bodie is a womanising hard man, whilst Doyle seems to have a more tender side, as emphasised in episodes such as the excellent 'Involvement.

Their boss, Cowley, played by Gordon Jackson is a tough man called upon to make tough decisions, frequently issuing orders that could end in the death of one of his staff. He masks his respect and affection for his men behind a veneer of brusque authoritarianism, barking out instructions between swigs of finest malt whisky.

An all round entertaining action series, the like of which we will never see again.

Ground breaking and highly influential series from the 60's that is surreal, thought provoking and innovative.

Patrick McGoohan plays a character referred to only as Number 6 who, judging by the opening title sequence, is some sort of government agent. He wakes up at the start of the first episode in a strange village, where everyone dresses alike, is awfully polite, and seems to be run as a cross between a holiday camp and a communist township.

Problem is, he can't find a way out of the damn place.

As time progresses, Number 6 gets to meet a succession of people referred to simply as Number 2, and he is determined to find out who is running the show, who is Number 1.

The village is guarded by bizarre, large, white balloons, which roll towards you and smother if an attempt to escape is made, and Number 6 encounters them frequently.

Distinctly surreal in places, with a paranoid edge that was most unusual for the day, this really was well ahead of its time.

Still gripping today, and still much loved, this has become something of a British institution.

Excellent.

I've got a confession to make. When this show first aired I absolutely refused to watch it. So many people were telling me I had to, I dug my heels in, got stubborn, and told them they were blinkered sheep following the mass media's brainwashing techniques, and they deserved to be starved of oxygen until it really, really hurt.

And it pains me to concede, several years later, that I was entirely wrong.

You all know the setup to this one: Ricky Gervais plays the worlds most irritating boss, self-deludedly believing that each of his employees is his best friend, and that he is witty, charismatic, and the life and soul of the workplace. Nothing could be further from the truth.

One of the earliest examples of arse clenching comedy - you know, the kind of comedy that makes you squirm with embarrassment as much as laugh out loud - this really took the premise of Chris Langham's excellent 'People Like Us' and expanded it to its logical conclusion.

Some great characterisation, some genuine moments of comedic inspiration, this may now appear dated or generic, but it is only because so much TV is now influenced by it.

Pioneers always seem jaded upon revisiting because the impersonators saturate the genre.

A must watch.

Acting somewhat as the slightly less attractive, less amusing younger brother of Alan Partridge and, more specifically, Partridge's Knowing Me, Knowing You, this takes the chat show format and gives it a spoof spin.

Here though, instead of interviewing actors 'in character', Rob Brydon's Keith Barret interviews real-life celebrity couples, in a bid to gain an insight into the reasons behind his own recent divorce.

And it is pretty amusing stuff.

Brydon is a likable enough presence at any time and here he seems in his element, ripping into his celebrity guests with some venom.

Of course, the format lives and dies by the quality of the guests and, on occasion, it does fall a little flat.

Still, I laughed more than I usually do when watching TV comedy.

The Avengers started life as a fairly ordinary mystery series, with the main character being Dr. Keel. However, with the introduction of Honor Blackman in series 2 the format changed somewhat, with the focus now on John Steed, and his relationships with his leading ladies. The series also began to become more adventurous, dealing increasingly with the weird and the surreal, particularly in the later years with Diana Rigg and Linda Thorson.

Personal preference is that the Rigg years were the best the show ever produced, although I also enjoy the Linda Thorson shows. As a result, I have to own up and say that the first three seasons are not taken into consideration when giving this rating and review as my knowledge of them is insufficient.

Overall, a great show that has really stood the test of time. Well worth a look.

The only anime I have seen based in Britain, this is set in the near future at a time when demon like creatures are roaming the land, and an organisation called Invicta Hellsing is set up by the world governments to try to stop them wreaking their havoc.

The Hellsing are losing the battle, and must turn to a sinister and mysterious hybrid called Alucard for assistance, which he grants, but inevitably there will be a price.

Action packed and adult-oriented, this one was a little too macho for me. Yeah it's gory, yeah it's violent - both good things in my view - but there is no joy involved. It's a little too clinical and cynical.

It's an okay watch, and there are only 13 episodes so it won't take up too much of your time, but there are much better anime series out there.

Probably the most infamous haunted house movie, this is alleged to be based on a true story, though how accurate that is is hard to tell.

A seemingly perfect family, the Lutz's, move into a new house, fully aware that a grisly murder took place there. Despite the wife's reservations, Mr. Lutz explains that they would not have been able to afford the place were it not for the reluctance of others to inhabit the property.

Well, it's not long before the brooding forces of evil still present in the house start to show their hand: a priest covered in flies, a mysterious sickness, a hand trapped in a window frame, a cupboard door that won't open. The tension builds to a dramatic conclusion as the family are forced to flee, to save their very lives.

Muhahahahaha.

Whilst the movie has dated quite badly, the storyline is still a powerful one, tapping into the most primal of fears: how can you be at peace, when even in your own home you do not feel safe and secure.

The performances are all more than acceptable, and even the child actors do not grate too harshly, and Margot 'Lois Lane' Kidder looks decidedly foxy throughout, especially in her striped cheer-leader style skirt.

Gimme an I. Gimme an N. Gimme an S. Gimme an A. Gimme an N. Gimme an E.

Whilst not as creepy as I was hoping, and overly long, with a script that drags its heels in places, this is nevertheless an effective chiller, and it is easy to see why it spawned the seemingly never ending line of sequels.

Yet to see the remake, though I've got it lined up, I enjoyed this movie more than I genuinely expected to

Well, this is an odd movie, and no mistake.

I'm just trying to picture the pitch meeting for this one: "I've got a great idea for a movie. It's about a girl who suffers from Vagina dentata and any male who tries to impregnate her runs the risk of losing a vital part of his anatomy. Sound like a winner?" Of course, there is more to it than that, though only a little, as we follow our heroine Dawn O'Keefe as she struggles to come to terms with her unusual anatomical addition. Quickly she learns that there are two sides to the condition, one positive, one negative. When indulging in a spot of the old intercourse willingly, all seems fine, though she is always fearful that she will lose control and cause a nasty accident. Also when a male tries to take her by force, she has the capacity to dish out a most unexpected punishment.

Off beat and quirky, though not in any way wacky this, in tone at least, is reminiscent of Juno, with black comedy at its heart. With occasional moments of abject horror, and a delicious waft of sadism, this is schizophrenic though controlled movie making, and a genuine breath of fresh air from the oft sterile Hollywood studios.

Recommended.

Jesus suffering flashbacks, this is so mind-crushingly appalling I very nearly hurt myself. I was watching this travesty whilst eating a plate of pasta, and had to fight the almost overpowering urge to jab the fork I was using into the delicate tissues of my eyeballs, to spare me the trauma of the movie. Well, against the odds I managed to resist, if only to allow me to write this review as a warning to others.

Under no circumstances watch this movie. Ever.

No matter the temptation, no matter the curiosity aroused by the majesty of the source material, no matter that cynic in your head assuring you that, despite what everyone else says, it can't be that bad. It is that bad, and so much more besides.

The most incredible part is that the bare bones of the story remain in tact, as Nicholas Cage (I'll get on to him shortly) goes to a remote island known as Summerslsle (sic) to investigate the apparent disappearance of one of the island's children, Rowan. What he discovers upon arrival is an isolated community practicing Pagan rituals, and locals who are none too cooperative with his investigation.

Some scenes even survive all but intact: the arrival by water plane, the announcement in the pub, the unusual teachings in class, but there any similarities cease.

Nicholas Cage is reputed to have recommended this remake, so affected was he by the original so it is astounding that he and the director should choose to strip all of the things that made the original such a masterpiece. The most glaring and shameful omission is the soundtrack, with LaBute alleged to have stated that he would not want anyone who likes the original soundtrack to watch his movie, anyway.

What an insufferable flap of useless skin.

Gone too is the British location, as well as the concept of temptation, as Cage's Edward Malus has no Christian values to defend. The whole point of the original is that Woodward's character is a devout man and, by resisting the pleasures of the flesh presented in the form of Britt Ekland, he proves himself to be truly righteous. Such subtleties are dispensed with here.

And as for Nic Cage, this is a performance so lacklustre you genuinely question whether this could truly be a professional actor. For a man who gets paid rather handsomely for his services, his abilities seem to be draining away with every passing year.

It's been a while since a movie angered me so - you have to go back to Transformers for that - so do yourself a favour: avoid this like the plague.

It's several years after the events of number 2, and Andy Barclay is now all growed up an' tha', a cadet in an evil military school, having spent several years in psychiatric care.

Whilst stable now, he is still haunted by the events of his childhood, the evil Good Guy doll Chucky never far from his mind, so imagine his horror when a newly released version of the doll turns up at the barracks and becomes the plaything of the youngest cadet on site, Tyler.

Can Andy convince the others that the doll is more than it seems? And will Chucky be able to get his soul into a human host before being dismembered once again?

Whilst it is true that this is a little bit by the numbers, it is nevertheless an enjoyable enough affair, the star turn of course being the always excellent Brad Dourif's voicing of Chucky, giving the animated puppet a real air of menace.

Whilst by movie number 3 most horror franchises start to play things for laughs, this one is played admirably straight, aside from the occasional one liner from Chucky after a killing.

Also of note is a fine, if minimal, performance from Andrew 'Hellraiser' Robinson as a sadistic barber.

Whilst not a classic, fans of the first two should be happy enough.

After the phenomenal success of the first movie, it was all but inevitable that a sequel would follow and, as surely as wasps follow cola, 3 years after Chief Brody blew the arse out of the first shark, a new finned menace lurks in the waters off Amity Island.

The set up is identical to the first, with the added spice of an extremely agitated Chief Brody spotting sharks everywhere he goes, appearing paranoid, right up to the point the chewed up bodies start piling up.

Whilst lacking the sheer menace of the original, and with the unwelcome addition of an annoying bunch of teenagers titting about on catamarans, this is still an enjoyable enough water-borne romp.

The shark scenes are reasonably effective, especially when we see nothing but a dorsal fin skimming through the surf, and the presence of the majority of the original cast at least adds an air of authenticity to proceedings.

Whilst being as good as the original was a near impossibility, preventing the movie from being much, much worse was some achievement by the director.

With plus points already mentioned, the only real lows are the aforementioned spotty oiks, the rather rubbery shark effects when it leaves the water, and the fact that you know it's all getting a little bit silly when the shark takes down a helicopter, so not a bad effort all round.

As sequels go, this certainly delivers the goods.

First of the 'Ape' sequels, this sees a new loincloth clad all American hero, Brent, wandering around the Monkey Planet that used to be called Earth after being caught up in the same space / time flux thingamijig as Charlton 'cold, dead hands' Heston in the original.

Brent awakens next to his derelict, burnt out spacecraft, confused, but it's not long before Nova, Taylor's squeeze from the first movie shows up, and leads him to the Ape City, where he is captured. After a fairly tedious sequence where the friendly monkey scientist Dr. Zira explains the situation (for those who missed Apes 1) Brent escapes captivity and follows a bizarre, auditory signal which leads him underground, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, kids, where he encounters a fresh horror: a race of mutants, almost human, who perform acts of worship to their deity, a still operational nuclear missile capable of bringing an end to all life on the planet, whilst singing a truly sac-tighteningly eerie rendition of All Things Bright and Beautiful. Seriously, this is freaky stuff. Unfortunately for Brent, these mutants, though almost as he, are no more friendly than the simians above ground....

More action oriented than the original, I actually enjoyed this one more, as the pace it sets keeps things ticking over rather nicely. With fine performances all round, yet more visually impressive set designs - the New York subway station, the derelict New York Library - using a combination of physical constructs and matte paintings to produce backdrops far more evocative than anything CGI is capable of, and staggeringly good make up work once more, as well as a nice line in social commentary, this is way above your average sci-fi fodder.

A very, very good sequel.

For Ricky Gervais, following up the mega-hit The Office was always going to be a tall order and, quite cleverly, he sidestepped the issue by producing something that was altogether different.

Stepping out of the small scale world of a stationers in Slough, here Gervais plays Andy Millman, a man beset by frustration due to his inability to catch a break in the world of acting. Working as a run-of-the-mill extra on one project after another, his only source of solace is his constant companion Maggie, a fellow extra who feels equal frustrations.

More melancholy than The Office, at times it veers dangerously close to being sentimental, but usually manages to steer itself clear of that hurdle just in time.

With cameo's from the great and the good of Hollywood (and Ross Kemp), this sees the stars perform admirably out of character: Ben Stiller as the utterly dislikeable, spoilt star turned director; Kate Winslet as a kinky Nun; Patrick Stewart and his obsession with breasts.

Most of the cameos work well enough, and every episode is at least enjoyable, though it lacks the real darkness and bite that I tend to look for.

Still, decent enough.

You know, I had a dream a while back in which I opined the paucity of movies featuring bare breasts and half human, half pig hybrids. "Why oh why oh why," I cried, "Can we not see more breasts and pig men?" Well, fear not my fellow brutarians, Dr Moreau is here to answer all of our prayers.

Directed by Charles Band, he of low budget horror legend status, unhealthy obsessed by killer doll movies (Blood Dolls, Puppet Master, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys) here he takes a stab at the film noir genre, bringing us a tale of human / animal experimentation in Prohibition era America.

All the noir trappings are there: smoky streets, illuminated only by atmospheric streetlamps, wiseguys in brimmed hats, broads in fur coats and shawls with cigarette holders stuck between their well rouged lips, and automobiles relevant to the period and, it must be stressed, for a low budget movie he does a remarkable job of 'placing' the movie.

Whilst the plot is a fairly silly one, involving a young man searching for his brother who went to Dr. Moreau for treatment and was transformed into half man, half big cat, the trappings surrounding it work very well.

Whilst hardly Orwellian, the script is nevertheless effective enough, and the acting more than passable.

So, if you, like me, find yourself yearning for those hybrids anytime soon, you could do worse than check this out

A criminally short lived show that went on to spawn three movie spin-offs (Naked Gun 1, 2 & 3), this is fast-paced, in your face, rapid fire comedy that has more hits than misses.

Leslie Nielsen plays Detective Lieutenant Sergeant Frank Drebin, an incompetent Detective who bumbles and fumbles his way through cases, with the capable assistant of his boss, Capt. Ed Hocken.

The story lines are spurious, at best, but it's deliberate, as the goodness here lies not in the storytelling, but in the weaving of a constant flurry of jokes along with some genuinely weird and wonderful characters.

The jokes themselves come in many forms, be it wordplay, slapstick, puns or background gags, most of them hitting the spot, though some fall a little flat. It's inevitable with this 'gag every few seconds' approach that some will fail, but the ratio is good.

The characters are a delight. From the guest star of the week dying in the opening seconds of every episode, the laboratory scientist who appears to be conducting cruel and unusual experiments on children to the shoe-shine who is some form of oracle, the writing is witty and sharp as a cutlass.

Though not especially successful at the time, it rapidly developed a cult following, many blaming the shows' relative lack of success on being way ahead of its time and too sophisticated for the target audience, chief amongst them none other than Matt 'The Simpsons' Groening: and he should know.

Dated by todays standards, if you can see through that aspect, you're in for a treat.

The standard against which all other American sitcoms must be measured. Dark, insightful, sarcastic, vicious and damn funny.

The show follows the day to day misadventures of four New York friends, each stumbling from one disastrous situation to the next.

The beauty of the show is that not a great deal has to happen in order to keep you involved, as the main enjoyment stems from the observational wit contained within the scripts.

The general viewer favourite would seem to be Kramer, the oddball neighbour who sees the world in a very unconventional manner, but my personal preference is for George. A small, balding, wreck of a man, his self loathing and uncountable neuroses are a constant joy as he finds himself coming head to head with all of life's frustrations. Based loosely on Larry David (co-creator of Seinfeld and creator and star of the equally brilliant Curb Your Enthusiasm) his is a comic creation that stays long in the memory.

A must see show for anyone with a darkish sense of humour.

Friends it ain't.

First off, let's start with a given: Anyone so chest rippingly stupid as to actually compare this micro-budget fiasco with the Spielberg behemoth needs to have scorpions dangled into their eyeballs. For a long, long time.

This is a movie brought to us by the magnificently awful The Asylum production house, most of whose output is a direct cash-in on other major Hollywood releases; Transmorphers, The Day the Earth Stopped, The Da Vinci Treasure etc.

Written by, directed by, starring in, driven to the multiplex by, hawked on street corners by the wonderfully excitable and relentlessly twitchy C. Thomas Howell (he's been in real shows you know (24, Coronation Street, ER, The Big Fat Lie) the story here picks up 2 years after the cataclysmic events of the big budget elder brother. The Martians are gone, wiped out by the microbes that so handily came to humanity's rescue, but Howell's George Herbert is none too convinced, and constantly monitors 'channels' to keep an ear out for any "ULLAH!" from outer space. As luck would have it, it's not long before The Walkers are back and, within the blink of an eye, one of the mighty robotic tripods has swept his son away, providing him with the mission required for the movie to continue.

Oh, thrown into the mix is some guff about time / space portals, a faux Earth fashioned by The Martians to fool our heroes, and a nice line in organic spacecraft interiors fashioned via the medium of pink blankets covered in cling film, and you've got the general idea.

Cheap as chutney, but to be admired for the sheer audacity of the rip-off, as well as the film-makers clear ambition (we can't afford to make it, but by The Christ's we're going to make it anyway), I say ignore the naysayers and check this out sci-fi geeks. You might just enjoy it as much as I did.

As timeless stories go, this one is right up there.

When a genetically engineered strain of killer vegetation, Triffids, take advantage of a human population blighted by mass blindness caused by the sight of a comet in the sky, only a handful of sighted survivors remain. Forced to choose between their own continued survival and the plight of the blinded, we follow Bill Mason and Jo Payton as they do battle with both the deadly flora and the cancer within, humanities need for dominance.

Whilst the story at the heart is expectedly excellent, the embellishments to suit the modern audience don't quite manage to capture the imagination. There are some bright spots, though. The Triffids themselves are very effectively realised, never seeming silly in any way, a genuine peril in this world of genital bombers and rapidly diminishing oil supplies. Eddie Izzard as the demented, power mad Torrence is the star turn, and Joely Richardson's Jo is decent enough, though the characterisation of Mason here comes across as nothing short of bland.

Whilst never reaching the heights of creepiness the early 80's series managed, this is nevertheless a competent, if highly mainstream slice of sci-fi, apocalyptic guff.

I enjoyed it, but I doubt I'll be watching it again any time soon.

Endearingly silly anime, only six episodes in duration, about a hapless delivery boy called Kintaro (well, he's called a delivery boy, though he is meant to be in his 20's), and the adventures he has on his travels. Each episode sees him arriving in a new town, acquiring a new job, developing something of a love interest before each episode ends with him leaving.

Gently sexist, juvenile, very immature at times, this is the kind of anime that just puts a smile on the face.

Not one to start with if you are not a fan of anime, as this certainly won't convince you about the genre, but for those who are already converted, this is entertaining fluff.

The second movie outing for everyone's favourite rough diamonds, Regan and Carter.

When a team of well-trained villains commit a string of bank robberies, only the hard drinking, womanising men of The Flying Squad have any chance of catching them and stopping the crime spree.

And it's a hit and miss affair. Whilst the nostalgic shots of London are always a treat, and the dizzying array of classic cars never fails to please, the plot line here is confused and unfocused, with far too much time spent behind the scenes, following Regan and Carter's antics away from the Force.

The calibre of actor on show is impressive, with several notable cameo's from top British talent, not least Nigel Hawthorne and, of course, Thaw and Waterman are always worth a watch.

Whilst this would be the last of the Sweeney spin-off movies, I'd say it's only recommended to die hard fans as the cripplingly slow pace will put others well and truly off.

Average, then.