Xenomaster

Folks, this movie is Exhibits A through Q of why you cannot make a sequel to a cult classic of decades past.

The great thing about the original Samurai Cop is that it was hilariously unaware of how bad it was--which made it so enjoyable from a "so bad it's good" kind of viewpoint. Amir Shervan was trying to make a good movie, but failed on a spectacular level. In this movie, the director and writers went out of their way to cram EVERY possible reference to the first movie that they could into its bloated run time. It is as if they were sitting there going, "See? See? We're cool! We know you like stupid movies, so here's a stupid movie! We also got Tommy Wiseau from that other horrible movie you enjoyed!" This sequel is SO self-aware, I think it destroyed the entire philosophy of existentialism.

This movie purports to be a sequel that takes place 25 years after the events of the last movie. However, there are numerous continuity gaffes all over the place that all combine to make a disjointed, meandering ball of confusion that tries WAY too hard. Fuj Fujiyama is somehow alive with no explanation as to how he survived. Jennifer fakes her death for literally no plausible reason, goes into hiding under a different identity, and suddenly now has a brother (Tommy Wiseau's character) that is a high-ranking member of a gang. Also, the American kid who "kills" her in the beginning of the movie is revealed to be her brother. So, a curly- haired, American teenager grew up to be a mentally-challenged, stringy-haired Eastern European man???

There are so many gangs and gang figureheads that appear out of nowhere, get like four lines of dialogue, and have no relevance to the plot, that it is nigh-unto impossible to keep up with any of it.

Also, at least FOUR separate times, a character (mostly Frank) absolutely takes a sledgehammer to the fourth wall by staring directly at the camera and acknowledging us, the audience. Again, this movie is painfully self-aware and it isn't good.

This movie is an absolute mess, and not an entertaining mess. It was a chore to sit through. Fans of the original, please do not watch this. You will be severely disappointed, which is saying a lot considering I expected it to be bad anyway.

I recently watched this "film" for my podcast, where we solely review awful movies. I painstakingly sat through it twice with a stopwatch and timed all of the runtime of the movie spent on establishing shots (there are FIFTY-SEVEN OF THEM), credits, and shots of the cat lying or waddling around. This sums up the movie better than anything:

Between the credits, establishing shots, and shots of the cat, those all take up THIRTY PERCENT OF THE 83-MINUTE RUNTIME. I have never seen a movie that so blatantly pads its runtime with scenery. And what's scarier than that is that there are literally dozens of instances (that I didn't time with the stopwatch) where the human characters are shown doing nothing but sitting and looking at things for several minutes at a time, or walking up stairs, or standing and looking at random objects. It is pathetic how poorly edited and shot this movie is.

Literally nothing happens in this movie. If you don't believe me, go see it. You'll go cross-eyed before you ever find anything resembling a plot. If this thing was competently made just from a sheer editing standpoint, it would be 4 minutes long...if that.

This review is going to be short and sweet because there is so little to talk about as relates to this film. The entire plot of the movie can be summed up like this: A hooker hitchhikes her way to Las Vegas, ruins the lives of every single person she comes into contact with, and then leaves.

That is literally the entire movie. And this takes over two hours to trudge through. Nomi Malone is the most unlikeable protagonist (if you can even call her that) in cinematic history. I never thought a movie could make naked women boring, but this one did just that. Avoid this like the plague.

Every year, I think to myself "This series can't possibly get any worse", and every year, the Saw series, which might be the most overrated movie series in history, manages to outdo itself yet again. Saw 3D, which is such an obvious cash-grab it's almost painful, managed to not only create yet MORE plot holes that are never explained, but also have the laziest, most rushed ending to a movie ever.

Where do I even begin? The main character, Bobby Dagen, shows off 1-inch fake scars to a woman who cut her own arm off, and a man (Dr. Gordon) who cut his foot off!! How stupid is this guy? And what happens to him, anyway? His wife gets melted and we never find out what becomes of him. And then there's Dr. Gordon, who every Saw fan has been clamoring for since the original. He gets what--5 minutes of screen time? Brilliant! And of course they go with the most obvious ending they could possibly think of. Then there's Jill, who has been turned into damsel-in-distress for no reason. And I can't forget John Kramer, who gets...one scene. Um...OK.

And really, the biggest problem I have with the entire series is--why does Hoffman continue doing these things??? He clearly doesn't agree with Jigsaw's supposed philosophy because he makes traps where people HAVE to die. What is his ultimate goal? He kills off dozens of police officers...why??? And furthermore, when does Hoffman have the time to build all these traps? And even furthermore, this movie literally happens directly after Saw VI. How did this guy, Gibson, (whose actor gives an atrociously bad performance) NOT know Hoffman was the new Jigsaw? He JUST TORCHED A POLICE LAB IN SAW VI AND KILLED THREE COPS. And someone needs to explain to me how Hoffman sews his cheek up when his ENTIRE RIGHT JAW WAS RIPPED OFF.

In hindsight, this movie was the perfect way to end the series: it was somehow worse than the last one--just like every other Saw movie since Saw II.

While the movie is not perfect by any stretch, Mortal Kombat is arguably the best video-game-to-movie translation ever. The character development is very well done (except for probably Scorpion and Sub-Zero) and the feuds from the first two video games' story lines are translated almost flawlessly. Also, the actors (especially Shou and Lambert, but nearly all of the cast) all capture the turmoil and humanity of their respective characters brilliantly. If you are a fan of the first two games, definitely give this a look. I doubt you'll be disappointed because of how well it mirrors the games. It's very unfortunate that the second movie was so awful, because it probably drags down peoples' perceptions of what this movie is like.

If you are a fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's work, this show is a MUST-SEE for you. The show revolves around a young boy by the name of Conan Edogawa. However, this is just the alias of 17-year-old Jimmy Kudo, Japan's most famous young detective prodigy. While witnessing a mob hit, he is knocked unconscious and given an experimental poison that, unbeknownst to his assailants, reverts him to the physical size and age of a second-grader. However, he retained his brilliant mind and vicariously solves some of the most perplexing mysteries imaginable.

This is a very intelligent and well-written show and is recommended to anyone who loves a good murder mystery.