the_wolf_imdb Reviews (194)

30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2013)

There are not bad movies. There is just not enough alcohol in you!

[8/10 · 8 January 2022]

Some movies are intended to be used with intoxicating substances to fully enjoy them. Otherwise you would be shocked and stunned by their silliness.

In this case the base value of the movie is 1/10.

Add +1 point for any good beer consumed (preferably strong European one) or a shot. Add a +1/2 point for ordinary American beer consumed.

Add about, I would say, +2 points for any joint consumed. Not sure about other substances.

Add +1 point if enjoyed in a company of intoxicated friends.

The equations above suggest this movie is best enjoyed at the end of a really great party night. Also it means it should not viewed alone, especially if you are completely sober.

In my case the final value for the movie is 8/10.

Yes, it is goddamn silly movie, but also goddamn good movie for a drunken party night!

Drink responsibly. Viewer discretion is advised!

What Lies Below (2020)

Passive characters are just depressing

[2/10 · 4 May 2021]

The premise of the story is okay. Not revolutionary, just okay. The fundamental problem is the main protagonist Liberty: She is presented as a troublesome, clever girl at the start, but in the end she is just passive and to say it in plain words - stupid.

She has the clues, but does literally nothing. She has no theory, no plan of action, no wit or mental flexibility - she just somewhat exists in the story. She is actually counterproductive, if she did nothing it would literally improve the chances of other characters to live.

The last third of the movie is totally obvious to anyone - and anyone probably expects Liberty to do something. Maybe not particularly clever but at least something. And yet she does nothing. Her only effective move is done by a random accident - and yet, even after that, she is not able to prepare any reasonable plan of action!

Watching the rest of the movie is as satisfying as watching cruel kids torture helpless mouse: It is just uneasy and depressing. If Liberty at least tried to do something remotely intelligent and failed - it would be acceptable. But she does nothing intelligent, she is just chaotic, confused kid who is definitely not a hero not belongs to the university.

And that is the real problem: Clues were here. Liberty was supposed to be clever. Yet she researched nothing, prepared nothing and did nothing. The movie could be whole lot better if she tried to fight, got at least one of them and then she succumbed to the numbers. That would be ok. But it was unnecessary as she was not able to fight even once. And this is exactly what makes viewer mad: He waits and waits - for nothing. No fight, no explanation, nothing, just the end.

Endings, Beginnings (2019)

Toxic wasteland of irresponsible people

[4/10 · 30 April 2021]

There are these feeler types of people: Irresponsible, directionless, confused, lost, destructive both for themselves and others. They are like empathetic tsunami of emotional destruction - and they feel somewhat good about themselves just drifting and ignoring the calamity they bring to others. They are horrible, avoid them at all costs.

The main heroine, Daphne, is basically doing nothing, breaking her relationship for no reason, clubbing, sitting, smoking, having sex with at least two guys at the same time, enjoying different emotions they bring to her, painting and feeling. In the end she ends up pregnant but not knowing who is the father and having no relationship at all. Nothing is built, nothing is resolved at all.

Her existence is basically based on the fact her sister has functioning family. Their mother is hookup, Daphne is hookup, if it was not for her sister, she would end up under the bridge as she is not able to build her independent existence. She is just drifting, dreaming of improving things and dreaming of being loved.

Do not date such people. They do not deserve time and loyalty, they will throw you away if their feelings change somewhat. They do not do anything, they just use what life brings to them. They have no problem with parallel relationships as they bring more feelings to them, they are not able to commit because it suffocates them.

As a warning story the movie works perfectly - and shows the toxic empty wasteland of lives of such people: There is no real depth, there is just drifting. In the end they are empty and boring - and the movie is empty and boring as well. It brings nothing because this type of people brings nothing: Things are just happening, time just passes and this is about it.

It is not enjoyable experience but as a warning about such people it works perfectly. It is pretty depressing actually. It is well shot, but it is not an enjoyable watch.

Dawn of the Beast (2021)

In the dark woods no one sees you have no money

[2/10 · 16 April 2021]

Very, very basic horror movie with too much ideas and ambitions and not enough money nor competence. There is too many different monsters which make the result very messy. They probably had not enough money so they shot most of the movie indoors or in the woods, especially in the woods in the night. The result is not scary, just very messy and somehow bizarre. The movie could be way better if the authors focused on just one storyline, instead of trying to build multiple lines that even do not connect at times. It feels more like a mashup of at least two different movies, maybe even three movies at the same time. As a whole this simply does not work, because it jumps here and there. In the end it is confusing but not scary.

The Last Frontier (2020)

Brutal and realistic, with a lot of real early WWII tech

[9/10 · 8 February 2021]

This is not typical war movie, not even by Russian standards. First, it is very rough and bleak as it takes place in the worst possible moment of defense - October 1941 before Moscow. About 2/3 of young officers in training that have been put in the front of German advance actually died in the combat - and no, most of the heroes will not survive the fight.

On the other hand it is unusually realistic. Russians actually used real German vehicles from 1941 from museums and private collections - from PzKpfw38(t) and early StuG III and also halftracks and a lot of cars. Uniforms of the soldiers do match the early war era and their equipment too - so no waves of fake Tigers but also only those kinda pathetic 45 mm anti tank guns. This makes the movie unusually realistic in a way I have not seen before - even though there is a lot of CGI as well.

It is depressing, bloody and rough. I aplaud for this, because the authors have reduced usual patriotism and replaced it with pure desperation. Many young soldiers are scared and know they will not survive this, not their friends, not their loves - it is cruel and desperate fight to the death comparable to, for example, Saving Private Ryan.

It is not a fun show and left me depressed and sad, but also somehow understanding decisions of many soldiers not to run and instead fight for a few minutes more just to die in a rather gruesome way. This is the heroism: Voluntary decision to suppress the fear and rather die than run.

So I can recommend it both for WWII tech fans and for those who would like to learn a bit about the desperation of Soviet command in the autumn of 1941 where everything just seemed lost so they throw even young trainees in the meatgrinder just to buy some days for defense. Both thumbs up!

Locke & Key (2020–2022)

Who is the intended audience?

[4/10 · 3 February 2021]

This series is really strange. It has interesting premise and setup, but overall is a very mixed bag. The storytelling is very simple and looks as intended for kids, but there is way too much murders to be acceptable as a story for kids. As for adult audience, it is way too stupid and boring. It also spends too much time about relationships of the kids, but it is still too naiive for young adults. So I really have no idea who is the target audience. It is well shot and has a promise, but the story is really messy, explains nothing, reveals nothing and generally is boring and confusing. In general I feel disappointed. It could be so much better!

Payback: Straight Up (2006 Video)

Does not work for me. Not by a bit

[2/10 · 8 December 2020]

I do love original Payback. I have expected this version to be extended and improved - like Aliens Directors Cut. Unfortunately this is not this case. The movie is significantly different both in story and overall feeling.

The original movie is hard, but somewhat lighthearted and funny. In this version there is no Porters internal wisecracking. The good soundtrack is missing too, this one is very generic. It does not feel like clever noir comic anymore, it is more like dark, grim, simple crime movie. There is no internal reasoning, Porter just walks around and shoots.

I really do not like this cut and especially the ending which is basically dumb. It is a great thing this was not released to the cinema, because it is just a very bland, very basic and boring story. By "boring" I mean I just stopped the movie in the half and watch the the second half the other day. I should probably let it be unwatched, because the alternate ending is just disgraceful in its simplicity.

Extended scenes do not help the movie much. If they just added those and left the original ending and feeling and Porters wisecracking, I would be OK with that. Unfortunately as I have learned, THIS was supposed to be the original movie, which is quite a shocker for me. If this is true, we should just be grateful the studio decided to convert this plain, dark story into the theatrical cut, which is simply brilliant.

Devs (2020)

Pretty, dumb, pretentious, empty

[2/10 · 11 October 2020]

Well, the visuals are great. Music is very nice. And that about it. What about the rest? There are some small scifi movies that are cheap but clever. This is complete inversion of that: Boring, very pretentious and actually straight dumb show. I have a theory how the idea for this show came to existence: Someone with no knowledge of IT or physics or natural sciences in general came to Caltech party where he meet a bunch of drunk theoretical physicists discussing multiverse, determinism and causality. He listened to them, wrote down some words like qubit and quantum computers and somehow hybridized it with fatalistic pseudoreligion and pseudophilosophy. And then he created an essay or more precise meditation about how he feels about all these big words. There is no intelligence in this essay, just emotions imprinted in very pretty pictures. The result is very slow and boring picture show that steals visuals from The Cube and has some very cheap emotions like lets emulate my dead daughter that are obvious literary from the very first scene. All the characters are strange, unlikeable, everything looks like delirious scenes from Black Wigwam part of Twin Peaks.. So we have very boring show that might impress some who have no idea about any principles mentioned above. The material would be okay for a 90 minutes movie, but this show has almost 7 hours so every scene is slow or even slow motion to look even more pretty - even the combat ones. And there is that pseudophilosophical determinism. It is something like Tolstoy's fatalism but in very, very slow motion. It is very, very painful to watch - maybe if you are stoned out of existence you may like it. This may actually help - there is a lot of colors, cool music, if you are slowed it might actually look like decent and intelligent movie. You know, THC goes great with religious experiences and empty pseudophilosophical blabber. This is not a great scifi show nor a great thriller. It is a great show for people who like superficial visual aesthetics and prefer pseudophilosophy over actual ideas or intelligence.

Hostage Radio (II) (2019)

A 10 minute short story expanded beyond its scope and abilities of the script

[2/10 · 24 March 2020]

Once upon a time there was fictional, alternative Britain. In that country wise people actually listened to political radio shows at 11 pm instead of waiting for the last pint at the pub and gave attention to brave radio hosts that tried to defend them from Brexit promoting nazi knife-carrying gangs controlled from Russia. Yes, this is actually the premise of the story there.

This sci-fi thriller takes place in this bizarre reality, which is somewhat more crazy than London from Mortal Engines (2019). But never mind. Basically it is just a very cheap, very bizarre slasher that "tries to subvert our expectations" which would probably work in a very short format. But to expand 10 minute story to entire movie requires a lot of reality twisting. We must somehow accept that radio studios do have walls from bulletproof glass not smashable by chairs and hardly breakable by explosions, that there are no security guards in media buildings and no one actually cares that the security cameras have failed or even someone observes what is happening or actually listens to the show.

We absolutely need all of this to create a situation where the radio host is forced to admit in live radio he raped one girl and killed her boy. There are three attackers that are somewhat more capable than all the other people in entire radio station because they manage to both threaten the hostages and to control radio transmission at the very same time. Which is not easy and actually requires some tech knowledge that is unlikely to expect from three amateurs who do look like American rednecks..

I do not understand the details of the story because it is utterly insane and illogical: The radio moderator is somewhat capable to disarm two attackers with bare hands but everything somewhat changes again. Then they continue as normal, then there is some fight in the studio dungeon, then they fight again and then everything switches again. Everything repeats at least FIVE cycles. At that stage the story is not thrilling at all and it is basically a joke.

If there was one switch or two at most it might be actually a decent character based thriller. But the characters are not actually characters, there are not any backgrounds, there is no buildup, there are just surprise revelations and viewer is completely free to guess who tells the truth and who lies. But we live in a post Game of Thrones world, so no one needs to create believable characters, all we need is just to "subvert the expectations". There are leads at the start that lead literary to nowhere whereas we have no bloody idea why the journalist is so effective at murdering people. Was he ex military like Harry Brown? Or a ex cop like John McClane? We don't know and we do not need to know because it could set up the expectations somewhat.

This is the summit of British storytelling these days! I'm not joking. The entire setup of the story is completely crazy. There is no trace of any logic in it, in the end it is just a pure slasher fantasy. They repeatedly start and stop the live broadcast in between the fights - yet it somehow continues for THREE HOURS according to internal studio clock on the wall - scene in the studio starts at 22:20 and ends after 01. Not even that - they announce at the start there will be music show at the midnight that never happens - yet no one cares at all probably.

The moderator actually calls for police from the studio phone yet they are not able to identify the number of the studio or something. Yes, the police actually says they need to TRACE the call (obviously not needed after migration to digital switching). But nothing happens at all, it is probably a custom of british police to ignore emergency calls of something. They do actually blow up the studio at the end so I assume they thought this is sort of british variation of Die Hard (1988)!

The bloody rampage of the moderator (yes he did all the bad things) is so horrid so "they want him now everywhere, even to host Trump". Really. No joke. So he starts at the beginning of the story as progressive anti-Brexit good guy but after two hours of murderous mayhem where he is somewhat able prevent the broadcast of his admission to murder we kinda discover he is actually a*hole so he is fine with Big Corps and Trump now. He is probably nazi at that point as well but we will never know. But he wears black suit at the end so he probably is.

To say this story is stupid and bizarre is a huge understatement. I actually do hope the guys from "The Best of the Worst" would help us identify some traces of logic inside this. There are similar thrillers like Devil (2010) that take place in a very confined place but they are actually thrilling and even more realistic than this - because they present the characters, set up properly and disclose information in a manner that has a sense at the end.

Deadwood: The Movie (2019 TV Movie)

Speculation: The series was supposed be very different, this is closure for fans - and it is fine!

[9/10 · 8 January 2020]

Speculation: The series was supposed be very different, this is closure for fans - and it is fine!

According to my information there were two more seasons of original series planned, but the whole thing was scrapped during the cliffhanger at the end of the season 3. Well, I do guess that, based on the history of real Deadwood, the real reason for cancellation might be cost. Real Deadwood burnt twice to the ground and was twice completely rebuilt so the producers probably thought rebuilding the set completely is not worth the cost. I guess the 4th season would start with the first massive fire and the rebuilding attempts. The Hearst / Trixie story would probably take place in this season. It would actually might end with the second fire where Deadwood is destroyed for the second time. The 5th series could start with rebuilding of the final Deadwood and attempts to bring railroad there. In this season Al would hardly cope with another loss of his saloon, whereas Bullock would build his brick hotel (which stands even today). There might be final confrontation of Al with Bullock. Bullock is successful, whereas in reality Al left Deadwood penniless and was killed during an attempt to board a running train. It would be actually pretty fitting finale as Al was the original bad guy (and still was a bad guy at the end of the 3rd series). Unfortunately as the series was canceled, the actors aged about 15 years. It is a miracle they acually managed to gather the old squad but the age jump would be too obvious. So they decide to jump 10 years in time without any explanation, but this is probably the only solution. Having only 2 hours to close all the story arces with so many people is quite hard. So they decided to glue them together in very small space and time. Some characters like Alma and her adoptive daughter are here just for closure, some like Calamity Jane have only very small part. Authors have decided to make Hearst the main villain and this is probably ok as he was most acute problem at the end of 3rd series. Al is not poor as it would be hard to explain why this happened and is allowed to die peacefully in bed. Bullock is the real winner, as it was in the history. It is very obvious this movie has been done as a fan service and I have to say THANK YOU to the HBO. The original series was not ended, it was just interrupted probably in the worst possible state. The final movie is simplistic, but it still keeps some motives like the coming of railroad, problems with the fires, deaths caused by rich villains. Bullock is still insane but lawful, Sol and Trixie receive rushed good ending. There is a lot of sentiment - and it is okay. The world of Deadwood is closing for good and the original story will be never told. It is leaving us finally and this is closure for the fans. This movie cannot work as a standalone movie. It is more like long special. But it is important so the original world would not end up literally in the pool of blood on the floor as it was at the end of 3rd series. This movie story has a lot of flaws, but works well as a reunion and closure. Many people will will be unhappy as it could be great in the form of complete series. Anyway I'm really amazed by HBO they actually did this. This movie is actually better that the movie that closed the unfinished series Todd and the Book of Pure Evil (The End of the End). Please, tell the NBC they should make similar movie closure for the unfinished series My Name is Earl. That series ended literally in the first part of two part episode never telling the second part!

The Irishman (2019)

Intentionally boring - exactly as planned

[9/10 · 4 January 2020]

Many people do compare this movie to Goodfellas or Casino - and describe The Irishman as too boring. Actually I do think this is exactly what Scorsese intended. The life of crime is boring and kinda pointless. In Goodfellas the main hero ends as a anonymous guy in witness protection program. In Casino the main hero ends as a old gambler. Frank Sheeran is way more successful: He survives everyone. In Casino there is a bunch of old mafioso guys who are literally judged on wheelchairs. This is their story! Sheeran is fascinating figure. He does not give a damn about murder. He kills fast and very efficiently. This is not torture, cruelty, example execution, he is much more efficient. This is both boring and frightening, because... it is his job. He is absolutely OK with it, has not any problems with that except maybe doubt here and there and, of course, his daughters are frightened by him and they try to avoid him like a plague. And there is the last part. This is the most boring and the most powerful one. He survives everyone - but there is no redemption, no lessons learned, no need to say the truth or to seek mercy of the God. He tries to speak with his daughter - and fails. They as him to say the truth as everyone is dead already, but he is silent. He sees no need for pardon from God. He just buys his coffin and the grave site. He is alone and he is kinda calm and okay with it. His life had no meaning, there is just plain boredom and waiting for the death. There is no glory being mafioso hitman. This is the most tense ending of all Scorsese movies, as there is no glory at all. There is no glory even in the beginning - because for Sheeran, murder is just a job, very similar to work in the factory. Showing that the Scorsese tells the real truth of being mafia man: You just listen for orders, execute the will of others, kill quickly, avoid problems - and if you are ultra successful, you will end up alone, just calmly waiting for your death, because there is no fun or glory in this job. Chilling, really.

Midsommar (2019)

Nice cinematography but very flawed storyline

[4/10 · 4 December 2019]

Nice cinematography but I have a huge problem with storytelling. This is more like trip or dream than a story, especially dramatic one. There is a lot of problems, especially:

How the cult hides the murders in the long term? Well even if you consider Sweden to be the Third world country, there are still foreigners missing, which will be searched for. They traveled via plane so it is easy to track them. The students even do study folklore and one of them is directly from the place so even average policeman must track them.

There is no psychology of village people. None, nil, nada. Even the hot ginger girl is treated more like a thing or an alien from outer space than real human being. They seem to be reasonable people from the start, they even know English but in the end they are just completely bonkers.

Reactions of students do not have a sense. Only two want to leave after the suicide scene (by the way it is illegal just to burn bodies without some formal investigation in modern society). When the others start to disappear, everyone is just like meh, no problem or even "we did not stole your book". No one seems to worry even a little, they just eat everything and drink everything - this is not normal at all.

There is absolutely no explanation of the cult whatsoever. Only the love spell is somehow explained, but thats about it. They are declared to have a contacts with outside like selling products, but we see no proof it at all. Even David Koresh had a lot of interactions with people of Waco. The village people behave like lets burn thus building, no problem, public suicide, lots of corpses - no problem, probably no one ever goes here or something.

Psychology of the key relationship has no sense. The girl is dependent on guy not the otherwise. There are not any signs that she would suspect cheating - and even if, she sees only once and as a part of ritual. She should be pissed of to the villagers not to the guy! He wants to dump her but she really does not know that and there is not a single debate about that. On the contrary he is supportive to her even if he thinks he wants to dump her. So her hateful reaction is more like she would actually know je wants to dump her but we have no clue if she knows or even suspects that.

There are parts that are simply not connected to anything at all. Murder-suicide of girls family - is it somehow related to cult or the visions are just random? Is she also bipolar like her sister? Why the villagers seem to behave like hive mind? Why the students are competing about the dissertation? Why there is even the saint inbred motive? Is the sex ritual connected to the murders? It is like one sex per summer per village or how it works? If so - how is it possible that there are multiple people of the same age in the village? If the cult requires reciprocity - how it came they kill eight people and add only two (if the redhead is really pregnant)?

For such a long movie there is simply not enough explanation and scenes seem just to be placed here and there without much sense. It looks nice but story does not actually to explain anything. What is even worse I do suspect the author does not any theory how the cult works either, he seems just to collect some random motives from scandinavian folklore, add some extra and that all folks.

This is more like visual poetry than horror movie and if you have a smoke or mushrooms it probably works on emotional level, but I have problem with the story that prevents me to actually enjoy it.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017)

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooring

[2/10 · 19 March 2018]

Visuals of the movie are really nice. That's for sure - CGI is really advanced today, unfortunately it is a lot of effort completely wasted. I also like Cara Delevigne so I have expected this movie to be at least somewhat enjoyable. Unfortunately, the story is too long and too boring, also too political and too complicated. Basically it is Avatar-style mashup with Star Wars where the humans are the bad folks. In a theory this could be somewhat refreshing experience, but in reality it is almost painful. There is zero chemistry between the two leads, especially Valerian is absolutely unsympathetic character. The story itself is incredibly dumb, sort of unloved late French Vinnetou rip-off (the one without any action and a ton of political speech) mixed with very lame love story. The movie is too dumb for adult audience and too messy for children. It is hard to describe, it is somewhat like "Alice in the Wonderland Tries to Create a Federation of Thousand Planets While Trying to Resolve Crimes of Late French Imperialism" or something like that. Yes, it is really messy and stupid. I do consider this movie to be an absolute failure of epic dimensions. It would be somewhat acceptable in the 80ies or maybe even early 90ies, but for today it is just too dumb and too long. It is movie that targets everyone and satisfies no one. The French comic is strange in general. Sometimes it is really nice (Barbarella), sometimes it is creatively odd (Immortel), but this is just very bad example of very lazy storytelling mixed with a lot of wasted artistic effort. It is really hard to me to recommend this very nicely filmed wreck of a story to anyone. Sorry.

Tut (2015)

Nonsense mixed with insults and utter lies

[1/10 · 29 December 2017]

To say it frankly: There is a bit of truth there. There was an pharaoh named Tutanchamun, there was Achenseamon, there was Aj and Haremheb. And yes, there was Egypt. Everything else shown in this mini series is Star-Gate class nonsense mixed with utter lies and insults both to the history and real historical characters. There is no other way to describe it as some actions and happenings in the movie are not just ignorant, they are intentionally deceiving and insulting. First: Yes, the father of Tutankhamun, Amenhotep IV aka Akhentaten founded monotheistic religion. Christians seem to love this story, yet it is not related to their monotheism at all (Aten was a form of Sun-God Ra, really not related to Yahve). It was horrible failure that almost lead Egypt to its demise. Tutankhamun did not support this religion, in fact he RENAMED himself from Tut-ankh-Aten (Living Image of Aten) to Tut-ankh-Amun (Living image of Amun, the very god depicted in movie as a source of his problems). The king decided to erase cult of Aten and restore old gods. He was not rebel, he was restorer of old regime. The people loved him for doing that as the Amun was too abstract and not popular. Second: He was married and loved Achnseamon and had two children with her, both aborted because of inbreeding problems. However he loved her and they seemed to have short yet happy marriage. Every scene in the movie depicting her is just a horrible insult to her. Everyting else: Practically everything in the movie is one way or another just wrong, from the fact Tut never participated in combat to the internal shape of Tuts tomb in the end. It is JUST PLAIN WRONG. What is maybe even worse I can clearly see an attempt to build the plot of the movie on novel Pharaoh by Boleslaw Prus, which is based on life of completely different pharaoh (Ramesse XIII) from significantly later era. This is still fiction yet so much better. Link to the movie based on the novel is here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060401/?ref_=fn_al_tt_2

Please, Americans: Stop believing such crap. Force your filmmakers to stop making such crap. The opinion that Americans are culturally and historically ignorant is based on movies like this.

House on Willow Street (2016)

This could have been so much much better

[2/10 · 17 May 2017]

There is one huge sin in horror movies: You should never ever reveal too much nor too little. The best part of the horror movie experience is trying to understand what is going on. Give too little explanation and you will end up with something really annoying as no one could understand the movie. Give too much and the movie just stops being scary at all.

The best way is to reveal the background only in small pieces and maybe to build a misleading theory that falls apart at the end. The best mixture could end up like Sinister: You will see the point at the end but it is too late for the hero. And even after ending of the movie you will have no clue how the end could be prevented. It leaves chills and unpleasant uncertainty.

This movie fails in the second way: It simply explains too much too soon and becomes silly. In the middle of the movie you will know pretty much everything - what is going on, what is the cause, how to resolve everything. Everything is explained by the bunch of conveniently placed videotapes in excruciating and really unnecessary detail.

And exactly at that point the movie just stops to be scary at all. It is not that terrible, it is just an opportunity wasted by the author of the script who seems not to be familiar with basics of horror. It could be so much much better - all it needed was to reveal less background, use less cheap scares and focus more on the process of discovering what is really going on.

It could be as good as The Autopsy of Jane Doe. It failed because authors have no clue about story writing and they decided to focus on primitive and cheap Matrix style scares instead. They could save 80% of special effects budget, they could make a lot simpler story AND make the movie way much better.

In that sense it is quite a fail. The movie is not that horrible, it is just an opportunity horribly wasted.

Mine (II) (2016)

Movie so boring even the mine gives up

[2/10 · 4 May 2017]

This movie is actually not that terrible. It is full of inaccuracies, mistakes and failures - but this seems to be quite common these days. I see not a big problem here.

The fundamental problem is insane, excruciating boredom of it. The guy basically stands on a mine for most of the length of the flick doing nothing but hallucinating. It is absolutely beyond any acceptable level, this is really Guantanamo-torture-level of boredom. Literally nothing happens for so long time that even the mine itself gives up.

The movie is excruciatingly long, at almost two hour is absolutely unbearable. If the movie would be closer to one hour it might be somewhat acceptable, but let's be straight - this is story for a short movie. It is not thrilling, not exciting, just exhausting.

If you want a way better drama about the guy who is stuck on a mine, try No Mans Land (2001) instead. Way way better movie!

The Attack (2012)

An attempt to excuse the inexcusable

[2/10 · 3 May 2017]

So called emotional but also very shallow movie that tries to excuse the inexcusable. An successful Arab surgeon tries to find out why his beloved supposedly Arab Christian wife decided to blow herself up and murder a bunch of kids.

It is, of course, because Palestinians are sad, because their land is somewhat insulted by the existence of Jews having their own state on its soil. Let's forget the fact the Palestinians could have their own state since 1948. The Palestinian state is of course only the entire land of and it is necessary to fight for it, especially by attacking the innocent.

The movie tries to explain somewhat logic of woman who lives peacefully under Israel rule but helps the terrorist. Her point is, you know, the Palestine is failed state, but it is her failed state and therefore it is better to spread the violence and chaos than to live in peace.

It is better to betray her beloved husband and refuse to give him the children, because you cannot have children if you do not have your own state (no joke - such crap is in the movie!)

So - let's betray husband who loves you. Let's betray the country that helps you prosper. Let's betray the humanity. F*ck God and his Commandment You shall not kill. Just do it! Murder! Mayhem! Heroism by killing these bloody Jewish kids! Revenge! Blood ties! Forward into the 21st century!

This made me literally sick. Literally. I feel no sympathy to such character, she should burn in hell for a lot of reasons. Her message to the husband "Do not hate me" is the most sickening part. Yes, everyone has to love betrayer and child murderer.

Who would film such crap? Oh, French people, of course. I've got it now. Let's send some more money to help Hamas so sad, emotional Palestinian women can murder even more children. Because the revenge on the innocent is the very best revenge!

Fender Bender (I) (2016)

Boring beyond words, so generic it does not need description

[2/10 · 14 February 2017]

Well, the movie is beautifully shot, that's about it. I really like the seventies style of the camera, but not much more.

The greatest sin of the movie is the fact it is incredibly dull and boring. I do not want to point out that it is full of cliché, yes. There is really nothing you would not see before. Everything you would expect is here: Stupid heroine that is simply not able to finish not only the killer, but also cannot finish simple phone call. The usual teen cannon fodder. The impossible to kill enemy that roams endlessly and kills without any reason whatsoever etc.

But this is not the main problem. The real problem is boredom of the whole thing. It is insanely generic. There is no actual thrill, no actual surprise, simply nothing. It is really insulting to request money for such generic stuff. Actually there is a lot of similar movies, that actually are innovative or thrilling, like Knock Knock. This movie really does not even try to bring something even remotely new.

Testament (1983)

Old ladies dreams about the nuclear war

[2/10 · 29 November 2016]

This movie is virtually unknown in Europe and I can see why. The problem is in incredible naivety about how the nuclear war could look like. Behavior of main characters is not only stupid, it is actually suicidal - as for example in the German movie The Cloud (2006).

I'm stunned into disbelief how many Americans do consider this movie to be "realistic" or "better than The Day After or Threads". Actually it is absolutely unreal emotional soap opera written by someone who was not only lazy to get basic information about nuclear warfare, but even didn't bother to get some information from survivors of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

I have expected that Americans as expected participants in the nuclear exchange have been trained in basic survival skills. OK, so there is light from the blast, let's crouch behind the couch! And let's go outside for walks and forming orderly line for bottled water. People dying by radiation poisoning look like they have an influenza. Wow. So let's sit, use our last batteries for playing sad music and be sad in general. What's that? Sort of romantic family movie about dying?

Because the nuclear exchange / terrorism still cannot be ruled out, let's sum up what to do in case of nuclear attack that kinda missed your residence. (If you have been hit directly without warning, you will probably evaporate, will be killed by pressure wave, will burn in the fires or suffocate. So any attempt to survive is basically based on assumption you will need to face only secondary effects.)

First you need to try to grab as much water from the water duct as immediately possible because this is likely the very last clean source of water. Then you need to hide in the cellar with protection of at last half of the meter of soil or you need to put as much mass of anything between outside and yourselves. You need to stay at least 14 days inside and that means you cannot even bring out the dead or take a leak. The clean water should be used for drinking only, water outside cannot be used, especially rain water. After 14 days you can spent about 1 hour outside for burials, taking waste outside and searching for food. Keep outside activity for bare minimum and avoid physically intensive tasks at that point. If you do not have gas mask, then use the wet cloth as the minimum breathing protection. The cloths used for going outside must be kept isolated near the exit if you cannot wash it.

This kinda might help to survive. Never ever go immediately outside even for church or children's play, otherwise you will see the real effects of radiation poisoning that is way way way worse than shown in this soap opera. If you plan to behave as people in this "realistic" movie, please save yourselves from the suffering and use your gun to shorten your suffering.

In the end you might survive. Do not expect the remains of your culture to be so nice a clean as in this soap opera, you will end up in pretty messy dark ages. After that you may try to survive the real long term effect as radioactive poisoning of soil, failure of agriculture and general harshness of life. It will be bad but not as bad as this crappy uninformed movie.

Nymphomaniac: Vol. II (2013)

And now Lars von Trier has destroyed the sex itself

[1/10 · 30 October 2016]

I have written quite exhaustive review of this movie but Socialist State of IMDb kinda prohibits some words - but in a very Kafkaesque manner does not explain which ones. That's somewhat unfortunate as the movie Nymphomaniac can only be described by words that describe some mature content activities. I mean some really depraved mature content activities.

Even though there is a lot of mature activity going around in this four hour long movie it is also unbelievably dull and boring. It is really hard to describe four hours long intellectual exchange so to speak between utterly depraved female character that seems to ask for understanding and her supposed intellectual savior. Philosophy, music, arts, the topics you would expect to be discussed between an old loner and insane sex addict - at least if you are modern intellectual leftist. It is so excruciatingly boring, long and really painful to watch.

I kinda loved early Trier works like Kingdom Hospital but this is just beyond horrible. The main female character is supposed to be some sort of female suffering from masculine and capitalist oppression, but she only abuses others - males, females, her own son, everyone. Its sick character only getting sicker as movie progresses.

There is no resolution at the end, no salvation, no conclusion, no mercy, no atonement, not a single spark of light at the end of the tunnel. The main heroine is simply sick psychopath who should be treated at the closed psychiatric ward as she descends just from from perverted to simply dangerous and evil.

Fear the Forest (2009)

This movie should be viewed by any aspiring filmmaker

[1/10 · 15 October 2016]

There is a lot of awful movies, but they usually do fall just in one category of badness. For example the script is bad, actors cannot act, the production values are low, the plot is derivative etc.

Fear the Forest is an unique exception as it combines all the different sorts of badness into single package so you can study them and do not waste your time with different bad movies.

For start there is incredibly messy script with ton of mostly useless side characters. The actors cannot act which would not be that bad unless they are supposed to sound overly dramatic or professional. Then - there is just horrible camera probably held at hand on all times even in situations where the tripod would me most welcome. Crazy use of color filters and effects, every scene looks different. Then we have some really really bad sound recording. I rather do not mention the plot holes or pure inability to build suspension. There is no thrill at all except the thrill of watching really horrid film making.

In summary this is a prime example of too ambitious project with not enough resources or experience to actually finish watchable movie. It is just a pure mess valuable only as a warning for beginners.

Year Six (2014)

Harry Potter and The Damnation of Lame Filmmaking

[1/10 · 24 August 2016]

Some indie movies are really good. Some are just horrible and should have been never released. Like I know it might be fun to create your own action movie and maybe to put in online for a few friends, but please - be realistic. There is a ton of very bad movies already, so do not add another one.

The problem with this apocalypse movie is this is just a boredom movie, totally absurd, without solid logic, with environment intact, just deserted. The main "hero" is a wimp who would hardly survive alone in an amusement park. The movie is just an hour but feels like three hours long. It is just that dull and boring.

Probably the worst part is the dialogue. If the movie would be completely silent, it could at least try to be artsy. Depression, ugly people, boredom, desperation. You know - apocalypse. But the attempt to add some story makes this creation total rubbish.

To viewers: Please, save yourselves from an hour of pure suffering. To creators: No. Please, no more. No more, please...

Exodus: Gods and Kings (2014)

Disgusting, sickening adaptation of sickening propaganda

[1/10 · 16 August 2016]

Let's say this in a simple manner: Exodus is really sickening part of the Bible. It is not only horrific lie, it is a huge insult of a entire nation of Egypt. For starters - there were no slaves in Egypt. You could be captured in the battle or you could be sent to the forced labor, but there was no legal concept of slavery as in Greek or Roman times. You could always become a part of the Egypt society if you would accept their rule.

The entire story of Exodus is a story of hatred, supremacist, intolerance and genocide. It is a sickening part of Jewish culture, basically the first holocaust ever mentioned.

But this movie takes this insult to a very new level: It is not only story of intolerant and hateful God who strikes his punishments on innocent folks of Egypt, but also story of Moses creating his own Taleban. To add insult to the injury the authors describe "the pharaoh" as historical figure of Ramesse The Great and what's more, they portray him basically as a nazi dictator.

This movie is described as "historical drama". It might be a drama, but it is not historical. It is like Himmler and Goebbels wrote "The history of Jews" - blatant, disgusting insulting lie. I really do not understand why this episode of Bible is seen by some as a "proof of the might of the God". Are we really supposed to see this evil, malevolent, murderous creature as God Almighty? What a rotten, disgusting foundation for the faith!

Aftershock (2012)

Eli Roth: Yes, it is dumb, xenophobic and misogynous

[2/10 · 14 March 2016]

Another lame, misogynistic, unwatchable murder porn piece from Eli Roth. I guess this is another movie from his "Do not travel to XXX" series or something. I really do not understand why there are some countries yet that allow this guy to shot flicks on their ground as the resulting picture is always overwhelmingly negative.

So the guy who hates all the humanity decided to introduce Chile to the world. It is full of murderers, rapists, egoists, corrupt people an it seems to be quite understandable that this hole of sin must be cleared in way of tremors, fire, waves, rape, murder and such funny attractions. Every good deed from the American tourists will be punished and only the most annoying character will remain as it fits the perverted world of sin and sickness pictured by the Great Misogynist.

Well, let's stop to call this "cinematography" and let's call it slightly informative murder porn instead. This is clearly intended for people who somehow like murder porn yet do not want to download it from the servers in Ukraine where such porn is provided for a fee. They are probably afraid that these sick foreigners will suck their funds from a credit card so this movie seems to be somewhat safer alternative.

Those who love catastrophic movie will pick other titles like Bolge (The Wave) from Norway. It is also very dark but realistic and does not assume every non-Western human is a sick bastard in the depths of his heart.

Diablo (2015)

This is not a western. This is a regular horror movie

[9/10 · 26 February 2016]

I'm stunned into a disbelief. So many negative reviews both from audience and professional reviewers... Did I watched the same movie? Boring, nonsensical, derivative and stupid? Oh, hell no! I have seen 500+ horror movies and even though this might not be the very best or totally original, it is still great, powerful and beautifully shot. This is not simple to understand western movie with good guys and bad guys and simple to understand morale story.

No. This is a "The Dead Man" class confusing horror story that lies to the viewer. The problem is you may understand the real story maybe from the half of the movie and at that point you will have very hard time to guess what is the truth, what is the lie and what is the delusion.

In the end you will very hard time to understand what REALLY happened. This movie is confusing, strange, but WAY better than the so applauded "Eight Hateful". This story is way better, more clever and actually more pleasant to watch. I would advise the viewers to stop swallow the marketing and watch the movies with their mind opened. At that point you might start to distinguish over-hyped marketing stuff and really innovative storytelling.