AngusBeef

When I watch this movie now, it really brings back the days of my youth, when things like wacked-out cult members and maverick cops (that shoot first and ask questions later) seemed to be plausible career choices. Oh, do I remember the days of playing "guns" with my buddies and spewing some of the wretched one-liners from this masterpiece. With that, you may be thinking that I despise this movie, or that it doesn't hold up to today's high standards of movie-making. Actually, no. I love this thing! Every time I watch it, it gets better and funnier. Where once the lines of this film danced through my childhood dreams of punking bad guys in back alleys, they now leave me rolling on the ground with laughter. Hey, how can you not enjoy a little Stallone with a freaking match in his mouth and a wearing a pair of aviators spouting lines like, "You're a disease, and I'm the cure?" Not to mention, how could you not have seen this, what with TNT/TBS playing it about 35 times a year since 1990? Also, I love how people rip on how over-the-top and phony 80's movies are with all the explosions and the one-man-gang takedowns of entire armies (composed of the same five guys getting killed in different fashions). What makes me laugh is that today's movies are no more realistic. Have you seen anything with Vin Diesel in it? Bond anyone? Watching these movies too much could make anyone believe in the freaking Easter Bunny! Anyway if you haven't seen Cobra, please check it out.

**WARNING: DETAILED SYNOPSIS BELOW**

The movie begins with a sleazoid taking a supermarket hostage. In fact, just to show what a punk he is, he parks in a handicapped spot and shoots a nerdy kid in the back with a shotgun. So, how do the cops handle this mess? Enter: Marion "Cobra" Cobretti, complete with aviator sunglasses and matchstick in the mouth. He's tough, hard-nosed, and basically unemotional, kinda like Stallone. He enters the supermarket, gets on the intercom and admonishes the baddie by telling him, "Hey, dirtbag! You're a lousy shot! I don't like lousy shots! You wasted the kid...now it's time to waste you!" Man, if life were that simple. Judge. Jury. And executioner. But how could Sly have known he was auditioning for Judge Dredd way back in '86? Anyway, after a sip of beer from the display stand, Stallone finds himself face to face with the nutcase who threatens to blow the whole place up. Stallone deadpans, "Go ahead...I don't shop here." Before the guy can draw his gun, Stallone chucks a knife into the wacko's gut, but not before telling him, "I don't deal with psychos, I put 'em away."

Afterward, we find out that the dirtbag belonged to a cult that wants to wipe out the weak people of society. They bang axes together and try to look menacing; especially their leader who has a jaw that puts Chyna to shame. <Yikes.> However, some cops on the force think that Cobretti's methods are slightly archaic, and they let him know this, especially a weasely looking guy that really has it out for Cobretti.

Later, Ingrid (Brigitte Nielsen), a model, sees these pantyhose-over-the-face nutballs acing a girl under an overpass and fears for her life after she sees Jaws' face. Shortly, she is attacked by the cult after her photoshoot is done, but manages to escape their clutches and is put under police protection at the hospital. However, an attempt is made on Ingrid's life that is thwarted at the last minute by her pulling the fire alarm. As a result, Cobra believes that someone on the force leaked info to the cult. His solution is to move Ingrid to a safehouse, while he continues the investigation. Cobra and Ingrid get into one car, and Cobra's partner, Sgt. Gonzales, and a butt-ugly skank (the leak) get into another car and head to the safehouse. As to be expected, a move is made to eliminate Ingrid, albeit in broad daylight. In one of the most hilarious scenes I have ever seen in a movie, Stallone manages to spin his car while going full speed, never miss a beat, and continue to go full speed in reverse in order to riddle the pursuing cult members full of bullets. I don't know about you, but my car never does 60 when I back out of my driveway. Also, the close-up shots of Stallone's face while he shifts gears and glances at Ingrid are truly bad-a** and p*ss-your-pants hilarious!

After avoiding the meatheads for now, Sly and the Family Stallone, if you will, do it Cobra's way and head up to a motel room where they wait for the cult to show up. Obviously, they do since their nasty skeezer is riding shotgun to Gonzalez. Upon, finding them at the motel, the cult begins setting themselves up for Cobra to mow them down. Another chase leads them to some kind of metal factory where they can take on Stallone one by one. He gladly accepts the challenge by lasing-siting a grenade and acing a few culties. After being doused in some sort of flammable liquid, Number Two gets a lit match thrown onto him while Stallone slurs, "You have the right to remain silent." A man of few words, but amazingly such a wordsmith. Anyway, this all leads to the showdown between Big Jaw and Cobra. According to Sly, "This is where the law stops...and I start...sucker!" Wow! Good stuff. Blah! Blah! The typical fight ensues with Jaws getting the upperhand until Stallone hulks up (must have got it from Hogan on the set of Rocky III) and spears the guy on a huge hook. Then while the dude screams in agony, Sly watches him get incinerated in a huge oven. Now that's justice. Something to watch for during this finale: how many times Jaws says the word "PIG!" (with a bunch of slobber and cuds shooting out of his mouth, might I add.)

So if you're in the mood for a real side-splitter that was intended to be serious, check out Sly in his one man war on evil.

Holy sh**, is this movie full of laughs and absolutely outrageous, over-the-top 80's explosions! First off, I'm a huge fan of Ahhnold's classic one-liners and stiff performances! With that being said, this one is a doozy! Arnold plays John Matrix, a former special forces bada** that has hung up the sh**kickers to spend more time with his daughter (a young Alyssa Milano). However, someone has killed all of his old posse and he's next on the hit-list. Or so he thought. Instead, the bad guy, Bennett, (who really steals the show, what with his Homer Simpson-like figure, goofya** chainmail, and Freddy Mercury-like look and speak (also found in Weird Science asking Gary if he's "tossed off to any good books lately")) wants our hero to assassinate some wacked-out Central American leader, or his daughter gets sliced like "warm butter." Big mistake! Arnold won't put up with that B.S. He wages a one man war against Bennett and his men that puts Rambo to shame. Without giving away too much, this war involves Rae Dawn Chong, oodles of grenades, sawblades, axes, and the classic line, "Do you remember when I said that I would kill you last? I lied." Not to mention, a steam pipe is mixed in there as well. If you have not seen this movie, please do so. You will laugh your can off, especially if you remember the days when this type of crap was involved in virtually every Hollywood production. Hey, the bigger the explosions, the bigger the audience. Not to mention, comic book fans, like myself, will dig the fact that Jeph Loeb (Batman, Daredevil: Yellow) helped pen this bad boy (under the name Joseph Loeb III). Check it out or you are missing out on such classic lines as, "I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes, John; I'm gonna shoot you between the balls!!" and "Why don't they just call him Girl George; it would be so much less confusing."

The Fog is absolutely my favorite "ghost" story ever! It is another classic served up by the master of horror, John Carpenter (Halloween, The Thing, Prince of Darkness). The story centers around the seaside town of Antonio Bay, where they are beginning preparations for the celebration of the town's 100th birthday. As the story unravels, the mystery surrounding the town's origins are revealed. They have something to do with the mysterious glowing fog that has rolled into town, as well as deceit, murder, and revenge. You'll have to see the movie for yourself to learn the answers! What really sets this one apart is the eerie atmosphere and the sense of the unknown that befalls each victim of the Fog, as well as the creepy score. Some top notch scream queens also grace the screen in this picture, including Jamie Lee Curtis (Halloween), Janet Leigh, and Adrienne Barbeau. Other notable actors include John Houseman, Hal Holbrook, and Tom Atkins (before he was dead set on stopping the production of Silver Shamrock Halloween masks). Nancy Kyes also has a role in this film as yet another link to the Halloween franchise. This is probably the most perfect movie to watch during a thunderstorm with no lights on. Watch it alone...if you dare!

Well, where to begin on this "movie." I remember plunking down my $7.00 to see this picture with expectations like I had never had. Everyone I had talked to who had seen it said that is had scared them sh**-less. I consider myself a true horror buff who has seen almost everything, even the stuff in the enormous 80s video cassette holders at the local rinky-dink video stores. So you can imagine my anticipation. If I wasn't going to wet myself from fright, I was sure to wet myself from excitement. Finally, I was able to see the movie that everyone was spitting cuds into my face about. For the most part, it started off original. Hey, a first person/handheld shot of what is going on in the movie. Okay, this is unique. Then the Legend of the Blair Witch seemed really cool. But as the movie dragged on (and I felt as if I might upchuck from motion sickness) it just really seemed like the Real World Goes Camping. There was arguing and confusion as our three students lost their way in the woods. Then they would get spooked at night by the sounds of children laughing and some left over sticks in the morning. Oooooo, I'm shaking already! Nothing scarier than children and bundled sticks. Then one of the students disappears from the others. The other two run out of their tent and scream "What the hell is that! What the hell is that!" Well, as the viewer, if I could even get a glimpse of "that" I might be able to tell you what is was. Perhaps it was an owl, or a tree frog. I don't know. What am I supposed to be scared of here? Finally, to my stomach's pleasing we come to the climax of the film, where our film students enter what appears to be The Blair Witch's shack. Finally, I'm thinking I'm going to see something, right? WRONG! Nothing. No shadow, nor glimpse of who the "Blair Witch" may be. We are left wondering, if there really was a Blair Witch, or if the missing student, Josh, was the "Blair Witch." Perhaps a clever little whodunnit, but not even close to scary. Not to mention, I prefer a score to my horror movies. It adds so much atmosphere (take Halloween for instance). I also prefer to see at least a glimpse of the killer or the evil or whatever it is that makes this a "horror" movie. Perhaps the two clowns who did this film couldn't afford to have a monster. Well, now they can after taking all of us suckers to the cleaners. And for all those nincompoops who thought that this movie was for real, the short bus will be around shortly to pick you up. Well, I hope this review shows you that this movie is a total waste of time, money, and anticipation for horror fans. What seemed like an original idea turned into a total sham? When I finish watching a horror movie, I want the fright to stay with me, such as when I go into the woods, I think Jason Vorhees, or if I go to a cemetery, I think Tall Man. When I think of Blair Witch, I think of...hmmm...what was I supposed to be scared of? The wind?

When I watch the 'burbs, I wish that I lived in this neighborhood. What entertainment! You've got Tom Hanks playing the straight-laced suburbanite, Ray Peterson, who doesn't want to involve himself in any of his neighbor's issues. Bruce Dern plays the Vietnam vet, Rumsfield, who has a few screws loose upstairs. Rick Ducommon stars as the Art, the chubby, nosy neighbor that likes nothing better than to stick his nose where it doesn't belong. Not to mention, Corey Feldman stars as, basically, himself, although his character's name is Ricky Butler. Well, these people and their families seem to live "normal" suburban lives, until their neighbor, Walter, disappears without a trace. What happened to him? Perhaps the Klopeks, the eightballs who recently moved into the haunted house adjacent to Hanks, have something to do with his disappearance. Well, Art and Rumsfield sure think so. Their ensuing reaction and attempt to convince Ray (Hanks) or their neighbors foul play is absolutely hilarious. When we are finally introduced to the Klopeks led by the doctor (Henry Gibson), do we believe that they are guilty, or are our "normal" suburbanites guilty of something else: judging a book by its cover? You'll have to watch to find out. Every time I watch this movie, I think of what a great place for excitement that this neighborhood would truly be. Check it out, "dude!"

That is exactly what I said when someone suggested that we turn this masterpiece off. It is also a line from this movie, featuring the most hilarious killer in the history of slasher movies. Ricky is an enormous bad-a** with big muscles and even bigger nostrils. He's got a certain swagger about him that makes him easy to root for and to laugh at. His delivery is so side-splitting that it alone is worth seeing. Although most of this movie is just a cut and paste effort from Part 1, Ricky and his lines are unforgettable. There are also some interesting death scenes that should have splatter fans rolling in their seats. Some of the deaths involve a battery cable, an umbrella, and a pistol. What's so funny about a pistol you say? Well, on "Garbage Day!" Ricky takes out the trash with a cop's pistol and a whole lot of angry nostrils. However, if you are looking to be scared, this one is about as scary as The Ice Cream Man (even though Clint Howard is quite creepy looking, even without makeup). But if you are in the mood to laugh your rear-end off at things that I don't think were intended to be funny, you will definitely enjoy this picture. "Shhh, Naughty."

Because, it is Jason Vorhees that plays the bully here. He terrorizes Crispin Glover (George McFly of Back to the Future) and the rest of his teenage posse in the fourth installment, and definitive film, in the storied Friday the 13th franchise. It is up to 80s teen idol, Corey Feldman (Tommy Jarvis in this film) and his older sister to try and put a stop to the axe, spike, knife, machete, spear, corkscrew-wielding maniac. Good luck, Mouth! Jason does what he does best as does FX master Tom Savini, supplying all the blood, guts, and gruesome deaths that make this series so unforgettable. But why is it that this one is the best, in my opinion? Well, the best way to put it is that Jason was in his prime. He wasn't this overdone "hero" that he is now. He was the killer and he wasn't supposed to be funny yet. Although, whipping a chick out of a second story window onto the top of a car should not be funny, it is, simply because of Jason's textbook follow-through on the throw. Get that man a uniform. Not to mention quite possibly the funniest line in any Friday the 13th movie, which is that of Rob who screams to Trish Jarvis, "He's killing me, he's killing me!" as Vorhees hacks him to pieces. The body count is decent, not overwhelming, but not to shabby at 14 (if you include a certain hockey-masked lunatic). Unbelievably, a young Feldman is quite good in this movie as Tommy Jarvis. Perhaps he should review this performance to help get his acting gig back into full swing. It is also a bonus to see Crispin Glover in this movie. Any chance to get to see this guy is worth the price of admission. So, my suggestion to you, is to get a hold of this one (the DVD is weak, no real special features, typical of Paramount) and pop it in. Get ready to jump and get ready to laugh. If you think of Jason as a composer, and in many ways he is, this is his finest opus. Ch-Ch-Ch-Ha-Ha-Ha!

I saw this movie for the first time when I was about seven years old and I don't think I slept a wink that night. Twenty years later, every time I watch this picture I feel like a seven year old again, and I don't scare easily. In fact, of the hundreds of horror films I have spent my life watching and dissecting, there are only a handful of films that truly terrified me, and John Carpenter's The Thing is at the very top of that elite list. But what is it that makes this movie so scary? The first element is the score. For some reason, JC's synth score really gets to me. I can't explain it but it really makes this movie seem extra creepy. In fact, I have the score on CD and even if I pop it in during the day, I can't help but get chills as it reminds me of a number of suspenseful scenes. Next is the special effects. Rob Bottin's work is absolutely amazing...hands down the best I have ever seen without the aid of computer generated graphics! The amazing thing is that the effects still hold up today against the CGI films. He really makes the monster come to life, a pure genius. Now, even though the score is eerie and the effects are off the charts, the real magic of this movie is the feeling of isolation and helplessness that Carpenter creates. Imagine, being trapped at an Antarctic research station with 11 other men, one or more of whom are "infected" with and alien monster and you can't contact the rest of the world. You can't tell by looking at each other as the monster imitates its victims permanently...until it gets you alone...finally revealing its true gruesome identity. But how do you know who are your friends...and who is "the thing?" This premise is what sets the tone for an edge-of-your seat game of: who do you trust and who do you fear? This movie is best enjoyed by yourself, during a thunderstom, with no lights on. Enjoy it, if you can.

Since it follows in the footsteps of Halloween (the trend setter for all 80s slasher movies), My Bloody Valentine is an often overlooked diamond in the rough. Although my viewpoint is biased because of my adoration for the slasher genre, it also suggests that I have seen scores of films that follow the same format as My Bloody Valentine (killer preys upon hapless teenagers one at a time until the ultimate showdown, where the killer is unveiled and HOPEFULLY! his/her motives are made clear.) Well, My Bloody Valentine is all of that and so much more. First, let's start with the setting. A sleepy little Canadian town where most of the folks make their livings at the local mine. The mine makes for a creepy and claustrophobic atmosphere for the killer to do most of its stalking, shish kebabbing, and nail gunning. The killer itself(don't want to give away anything here) is imposing and downright scary in its miner's outfit, complete with gasmask and pickaxe. Then there is the mystery of the killer. Who is it? Is it the legendary killer, Harry Warden, from 20 years ago, or is it someone else using Harry's old M.O.? Because both the setting and the killer are A-1, the only things left that I consider key elements to making a great horror

movie are score and cast. The score of My Bloody Valentine is sufficient. It is not as memorable as those of Halloween or Friday the 13th, but it does a great job setting the background for the story. Last is the cast. People may ask, what difference does the cast make in making a slasher movie? A lot! No big name actors = a more believable story. Since this movie doesn't star Busta Rhymes(ugh) or Freddie Prinze, Jr.(no thanks) the characters seem to be more real, thus adding the suspense to the picture. There are no big name actors in this movie, unless you consider the guy who played Larry Finkelstein in Meatballs to be a big name actor. While we are on the subject of acting, there definitely isn't anything Oscar-worthy in this picture, however, that also helps to make this a true classic of the 80s slasher genre. Some people might say I didn't mention anything about body count/gore to be important for slasher films. Well, I don't think that they are as important as the aforementioned key elements, because it is the creepy atmosphere that sells horror, and this movie in particular. However, to be a true slasher movie, you need at least a couple of deaths. Hey, I still want to see a body count too! Oh by the way, this movie has plenty of cool death scenes, so everyone should be satisfied. "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, My Bloody Valentine is waiting for you" Check it out!

The Funhouse is one of my absolute favorite horror movies of the 1980s. That being said, I consider the 1980s the grandest time for the horror genre. You had fine slasher movies like Friday the 13th, Nightmare On Elm Street, My Bloody Valentine, and Prom Night. You also had great monster/ghost/zombie movies like The Howling, Day of the Dead, and The Fog. Well, the Funhouse falls right in the middle of the these subgenres. The story centers around Amy and her three friends (two guys and a girl), who, after seeing all the ghoulish and bizarre attractions at the carnival, decide to have a "lock-in" at the Funhouse for a night of hanky-panky. Well, a "lock-in" they get, followed by a night of sheer terror as the foursome witness a murder by the carnival's secret attraction, the hideously deformed freak, and become the target of the Funhouse's maniacal operators. Who will survive? Will any survive? And what kind of trauma will they have to endure? For those that are into blood and guts, this movie will probably not do it for you, because it doesn't contain much. But for those of you who love a great horror movie with suspense, a claustrophobic atmosphere, and a grainy touch, this chiller is for you. I personally give it my highest recommendation. I truly believe that it is a forgotten classic. After all, it was Tobe Hooper, of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Poltergeist fame, who helmed this gem. Even the tagline for this movie was perfect: "Pay to get in. PRAY to get out." And thank God that J.D. Roth wasn't in this film.

Halloween is not only the godfather of all slasher movies but the greatest horror movie ever! John Carpenter and Debra Hill created the most suspenseful, creepy, and terrifying movie of all time with this classic chiller. Michael Myers is such a phenomenal monster in this movie that he inspired scores of imitators, such as Jason Vorhees (Friday the 13th), The Miner (My Bloody Valentine), and Charlie Puckett (The Night Brings Charlie). Okay, so I got a little obscure there, but it just goes to show you the impact that this movie had on the entire horror genre. No longer did a monster have to come from King Tut's tomb or from Dr. Frankenstein's lab. He could be created in the cozy little neighborhoods of suburbia. And on The Night He Came Home...Haddonfield, Illinois and the viewers would never be the same. There are many aspects of this movie that make it the crowning jewel of horror movies. First is the setting...it takes place in what appears to be a normal suburban neighborhood. Many of us who grew up in an area such as this can easily identify with the characters. This is the type of neighborhood where you feel safe, but if trouble starts to brew, nobody wants to lift a finger to get involved (especially when a heavy-breathing madman is trying to skewer our young heroine.) Along with the setting, the movie takes place on Halloween!! The scariest night of the year! While most people are carving jack-o-lanterns, Michael Myers is looking to carve up some teenie-boppers. Besides the setting, there is some great acting. Jamie Lee Curtis does a serviceable job as our heroine, Laurie Strode, a goody-two-shoes high-schooler who can never seem to find a date. However, it is Donald Pleasance, as Dr. Sam Loomis, who really steals the show. His portrayal of the good doctor, who knows just what type of evil hides behind the black eyes of Michael Myers and feels compelled to send him to Hell once and for all, is the stuff of horror legend. However, it is the synthesizer score that really drives this picture as it seems to almost put the viewer into the film. Once you hear it, you will never forget it. I also enjoy the grainy feel to this picture. Nowadays, they seem to sharpen up the image of every movie, giving us every possible detail of the monster we are supposed to be afraid of. In Halloween, John Carpenter never really lets us get a complete look at Michael Myers. He always seems like he is a part of the shadows, and, I think that is what makes him so terrifying. There are many scenes where Michael is partly visible as he spies on the young teens (unbeknownst to them), which adds to his creepiness. If you think about, some wacko could be watching you right now and you wouldn't even know it. Unfortunately for our teenagers (and fortunately for us horror fans), when they find Michael, he's not looking for candy on this Halloween night..he's looking for blood. Finally, Michael Myers, himself, is a key element to this movie's effectiveness. His relentless pursuit of Laurie Strode makes him seem like the killer who will never stop. He is the bogeyman that will haunt you for the rest of your life. So,if you have not seen this movie (if there are still some of you out there who haven't, or even if you have), grab some popcorn, turn off every light, pop this into the old DVD and watch in fright. Trick or Treat!