melancholy_rose

As much as I love James Rolfe and his reviews, and with how long I've been watching his stuff, his first film suffered from some serious problems.

My first issue with it was how the first half hour of the film was all of the self-puffery. What I expected going into the movie was just the Nerd going about his usual day. A lot of immersion into his story was removed by the instant flood of "look how famous I am." Don't get me wrong, I'm really proud of Mr. Rolfe, and he deserves the credit for trying and working so hard, but it really put me off with how full of himself he seemed through most of this. He's the ANGRY Video Game Nerd, not the narcissistic.

It is James' character, so he's allowed to create it any way he wants, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed so prideful.

Second... the dialogue is some of the worst I've ever heard, and the worst acted. I'm sorry, but it was just terribly corny. I know that it's SORT OF in the spirit of the AVGN, but he had a system that worked fine in his reviews that seemed a bit... tweaked in the movie to fit "mass appeal." I know James is a child at heart, but there's a difference between being youthful, and acting like a kid. In fact, I have a feeling that if I saw this film as a CHILD, I might like it better. As an adult, it was just bad. Really bad. Unwatchably bad.

I can't give James a hard time for the special effects. He's not a mega-millionaire and he had to work with the budget he had. Some of the effects looked well-done. Others were... embarrassing.

The story had potential to be amusing, but what killed most of the comedic value for me was the "black buddy" Cooper. He had no purpose in the film other than to crack bad jokes and annoy everyone. I don't know if his dialogue was written that way on purpose, but every time he opened his mouth, I wanted to punch it repeatedly.

Overall, I love AVGN reviews... but I think James should just stick to those, and hopefully never make a sequel. I applaud him for putting in all of the effort-- it's not easy to make a movie all by yourself with very little advice on how to do so-- and I can tell he tried really hard. It just was a massive waste of time and money.

I'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than watch it a second time.

I just recently saw a movie called "The Children," where all of the adults acted like whimpering babies as their 30 pound sandbag kids murdered them. Gangs of little eight-year-old children killed their parents, and all they did was cry about it and get angry at each other if they tried to hurt the "darling babies."

That movie enraged me, and so does this one.

I don't understand it a single, solitary bit. The whole story in this film exists simply because the adults are idiots and make stupid decisions. They are outsmarted by malicious 12-year-old kids, and not only do they allow this to happen, they practically ask for it. It was so unbearable sitting through it, because I was angry throughout the entire thing, watching as two grown human beings bend over and present their wimpy rear-ends to a bunch of resentful, spoiled rotten youths.

It wouldn't annoy me so much if the whole "main characters getting themselves into danger because they're morons" philosophy wasn't so popular in films these days. I kept thinking to myself that if I had been in their situation, I would-- oh wait, I wouldn't be in their situation, because I'm not an idiot. Watching an hour and a half of whimpering little ninnies crawl around pathetically was one of the most frustrating things I had to endure.

I love horror films. I love tension, suspense, and mystery-- especially mystery. This wasn't any of those things. It was garbage, and I'm baffled at how anyone could enjoy it. At so many points, I wanted to shut the thing off and say "forget it, I don't care how it ends, these characters are too pathetic and stupid," but I sat through it to see if maybe, possibly, justice would be served, and those who had their comeuppance would get brutally massacred beyond recognition, if they would suffer the same method the main characters did. I was hoping for such a result, but one never came. It was blundering, bumbling idiocy for the remainder of the movie.

The ending was terrible, and it left you feeling a sense of unresolved conflict, with a bitter taste in your mouth akin to that of eating a mouthful of raw eggs and cinnamon. I was actually confused when I saw it, thinking, "wait, is that it? THAT is the ending?!" Then I felt even angrier. How could someone write this trash and make it into a film? I guarantee the script said something like this:

Adults: Hey kids, I'm sorry to harsh your buzz, but we're trying to have a good time, here, so do you mind moving?

Kids: F**K OFF!!

Adults: Oh... okay... that's fine.

Kids ruin adults' lives.

Adults run from kids and cry and suffer horrific injury.

FIN!

If you're like me, and movies like this anger you, I beseech you to stay away. Please. Don't watch this movie.