InvasionofPALs

Up until *very* recently there weren't even 5 votes on this seemingly forgotten documentary and now there's 8! However, no one has yet posted a User Comment to summarize the movie so I suppose I must do it.

First let me say HOOKER was released on Vestron Video in 1985 and the Catalog #number# is "VA 4367". The back of the box also says this video release was "BASED ON AN ORIGINAL HBO PRESENTATION", so I'm guessing 'HOOKER' was originally broadcast in some form or other on HBO. Never having seen 'HOOKER' on HBO I can't say if the Vestron Video is exactly the same movie. Maybe the video release has more footage? Or perhaps less (that seems unlikely, but I reckon you never know)? I noted under 'Filming Locations' it says 'Nevada, USA'. Hmm . . . how does whoever posted that know for sure? Nowhere in the movie does it indicate where any of it was filmed! Maybe some of it was filmed in Nevada but you see some NYPD mugshots of hookers at the beginning of the movie so who knows . . . ?

'HOOKER' is divided into three segments and before I write further let me say there is no "live" nudity in the movie. The only nudity seen is via short clips of old photographs and posters -- none of the participants in the documentary are seen sans clothing so if you're looking for a true exploitation film go elsewhere!

The first part introduces the viewer to 2 women who are involved in the Light Bondage/Dominance trade. They don't take customers who are into bloodletting and/or serious pain; they like to maintain a light touch of sorts so they have a line which they will not cross. You see them with a (male) customer and the women also discuss their personal lives and what kind of men avail themselves of their services.

The second segment involves a married couple who run a nude massage parlor + interviews with some of the women who work there. The wife talks about how she and her husband ended up running a 'whorehouse' (as she calls it) and how the business became very lucrative. She also offers up a few funny lines. She says to a 74-year-old man: "You come here because you like to play with titties, don't ya?" Fun!

The third and final segment depicts a number of streetwalkers and their pimp. The gist of this last segment revolves around three women, one of whom meets with misfortune, and the pimp who talks about what it's like running a 'stable' and how he must not show favoritism or risk having a mutiny.

To conclude, it's getting difficult to find a nice original video of 'HOOKER'. I've had 3 tapes of it and only one of them still had the top label attached when I received it; the other two were lost before I bought the videos. Those of you familiar with the old Vestron releases know Vestron used the world's worst glue and over time the glue would dry and the label fall off. Ugh! The ironic thing is the one tape of 'HOOKER' I received that still had the label on was a mouldy mess. I had to remove the label off the mouldy tape, fish out the double-sided tape and stick the label to the clean video. Sheesh!

First let me say how I was able to view this movie, which has very few votes on the IMDb at present . . . Believe it or not this movie was released on homevideo here in the USA on the Esco-Mex Video Production, Inc. label in 1987. The back of the video box actually gives an address in Beverly Hills, California where the label's supposed "headquarters" were. Wow. For the record PANICO is 'Esco-Mex 111'.

Now onto the movie itself . . .

It takes place in 3 parts. The first part has an attractive, nightgown-clad young woman fleeing through the forest with a witch in hot pursuit who's brandishing a very sharp knife. Why is the woman running? Why is the witch after her? And who are the three young men she keeps seeing in the woods as she runs? This segment is short and has a satisfying wrap up of what's going on.

The second part has two men fleeing a plague of some sort. They've just buried a young woman and have decided to leave the area by getting into a canoe and paddling down the river. Before long, however, the mind of one of the men starts playing tricks in regards to the woman they buried. They then get into a nasty fight which leaves the second man dead and the first man suffering even more hallucinations. Man #1 then buries Man #2. But is the other man really dead? Why does the first man begin to have "visions" of his former friend un-burying himself and stalking him in the woods? Far out stuff here; the end of this segment is most unusual.

Segment #3 has to do with a scientist and his cat who both ingest some chemicals by accident. This liquid gives the victims the appearance of being dead, but we quickly discover the scientist and the cat are merely paralyzed. But the scientist's wife and the family doctor can't find a pulse or heartbeat when they discover him. What to do? Have a funeral and bury the unfortunate scientist. Can the scientist wake up from his paralysis in time to avoid being buried alive? Lucky for the cat he was able to get up and walk away when the paralysis wore off! The ending of this final episode is hilarious with a conclusion you'd never expect.

Yes, this is an adult movie with some decent production values and there's even a script! Back in the not-so-long-ago "old" days when adult movies were still shot on film came this funny parody of the CBS nighttime soap opera "Dallas". There is a pleasant theme song that opens the movie and there's plenty o'sex -plus- some funny one-liners the cast puts over. I'd recommend this movie if you could find a way to see it, especially if you used to watch DALLAS. Everyone's horny and the 'Brewing' family deals in fertilizer. Fun.

I've got the old VCX release (with the small glossy box and the over-sized color picture-face label on the videocassette) and I watched this again recently and decided to write this review seeing there wasn't one here already. Given the popularity of 'DALLAS' at the time I'd bet this was a big seller for VCX.

THE CAR appears out of nowhere. It wants nothing more than to terrorize and run over people. Why does THE CAR want to do this? Who cares? IT JUST DOES!!! A fun movie about a mysterious, black sedan with blood in it's black little chrome heart. Various members of small-town citizenry become road kill when THE CAR comes out to play. And don't try to box it in. THE CAR doesn't like that.

James Brolin is the cop who tries to find a way to stop this motorized menace. Kathleen Lloyd is his girlfriend -- who discovers THE CAR has zero tolerance for being taunted. Lots of other familiar character actors populate the movie, too.

So if you're driving on a desolate road and an ill wind blows and you see a sinister black sedan fast approaching you had better be prayed up.

Indeed, "What Evil drives . . . THE CAR".

MAG WHEELS isn't as downbeat and sleazy as the innocent-sounding MALIBU HIGH from 1979, but isn't as airy and cheerful as MALIBU BEACH (1978), either. It falls somewhere in between. There's everything you might expect from this kind of movie: Girls in bikinis, custom vans, pick-up trucks, teen hangouts, skateboarding (at the Boogie Bowl) + lecherous bosses and a singular lack of plot. (Not that anyone watches these kind of movies because they're 'plot-heavy'!).

The main female character in the movie, Anita, has a home life from Hell due to her complete jerk of a father. Her school life also takes an ugly turn after a fight in class with another girl and then finally she tries to stop a "drag-out" between rival factions of girls and boys at her school. That's it, you say? YES! And don't forget about the groovy tunes by the garage band "THE WORD", especially the 'Anita' song (which I still can't get out of my head . . . ). Remember, though, if you decide to watch this it isn't as light-hearted as the video box would lead you to believe. There is some definite darkness here and all in all the movie has a real mishmash of tone. But if you like '70's Drive-In Movies (I do!) then check it out. Also worth noting is that of all the movies I've ever watched -- and I've watched a lot of movies -- this has the singularly most screwed up "happy ending" I've ever seen.

Released in a BIG box by Active Home Video in 1985 under the re-title "SUMMER SCHOOL".

'Nuff said. An undercover cop from the state capital is sent to a small county where moonshine running is rampant. He ends up getting run off the road by some local hicks who have no idea he's an undercover cop (so they just drive away as blissfully dopey as ever). He is soon being taken care of by a woman and her three daughters who all wear low-cut tops and short shorts (gotta luv the '70s). He falls in love with one of the girls but in the meantime he still has to find out who's making all the moonshine and driving it to all the local bars and restaurants. He also has to contend with a fat sheriff and his incompetent deputy who think he's the moonshiner 'cause he's new in town.

Life in small town America, 70s style. YEE HAAAAAAAAAAA.

Smokey is a highway patrolman in California who decides to make some extra money with his partner by repossessing cars (and even the occasional boat) whose owners have been lax in making payments. That's it for the plot. This movie wasn't made to be plot-heavy. It was made to show various car chases and have tires screeching. And it does. When Smokey finds out some of the repo'd vehicles are actually stolen and on the 'hot sheet' he and his cop partner have to swing into action to make sure they don't end up in the slammer.

Lotsa car chases and stunts, a little romance (Smokey finds himself a tolerant girlfriend) and some reasonably likable characters make this a fun movie to watch if you're into drive-in movies from the (sadly) long-gone 1970s -- when the livin' was free and easy. Looks like some of the movie was filmed on the Pacific Coast Highway, I might add. No studio stuff here . . .

TIME TO BURN RUBBER.

Okay, here's the plot. Hey, wait . . . there isn't one. Pirates have captured some nubile young women. They take them to their hideaway for some sex. Thar She Blows! Literally. Captain Hips is the leader of this band of Merry Men. But "Captain Hips" is a girl who looks like she just got out of high school. She sure ain't no ordinary pirate. Anyway, it's commendable the characters in this movie are at least wearing pirate costumes considering the budget was probably a hundred bucks and a free lunch for the cast after screwing around all morning. And the movie looks like it really was filmed on a beach. So those are good points. This only runs about 55 minutes. The VCX catalog number of this is #B104 should you wish to take up the challenge of trying to find it.

Tally Ho!

The opening credits of this VERY low-budget sleazefest feature the theme from PSYCHO. (I'm sure the producers paid handsomely for the right to use Bernard Herrmann's theme). I don't think I'll summarize the plot even though this technically is a Review I'm writing. Suffice it to say this is not a movie to watch if you're offended by incest, rape, racial epithets and some nice scenes of humiliation thrown in for good measure. Here is the cast: A man wearing a ski mask who possesses a big machete + mother, brother, sister, hairy girl friend of sister -- all of whom just want to take an innocent trip into the forest . . . but Mr. Ski Mask has other ideas. Oh yes, and there's a black man tied to a tree as well. The sister runs into him while trying to escape from Mr. Ski Mask. But Mr. Ski Mask With The Big Machete catches up. Uh-oh. Somehow I doubt VCX will be re-releasing this anytime soon, esp. with the PSYCHO theme played in its entirety. A peachy movie to watch with a group of people you really hate.

I do have the original VCX video release of this with the small, glossy box and not that rip-off copy Alpha Blue Archives DVD.

Having just purchased a copy of this forgotten little oddity on an obscure video label called North American Video (NA 1033) I figured to watch it right away. I had been admonished by the seller that this was an unusual movie. He wasn't kidding. After viewing it, there's no doubt it's "Independent Cinema". That's not a bad thing, but one must view this picture with an open mind if one is to derive any enjoyment from it. Any viewer expecting conventional plot devices is going to be in for a strange awakening because this movie has no real plot and has a kind of anarchic structure to all the activities that go on. What story there is revolves around Jacques Blinbaum (played by the rubber-limbed Tony Azito), who appears to be a gangster nicknamed The Falcon. His father is played by Brother Theodore at his most "normal" (I use the term loosely). Jacques then describes, in a fantasy-like way, his experiences beginning at age 17 where he gets the idea to fake his own kidnapping and extort money from his parents. There's a kind of surreal feel to this film and I watched it twice in one day because I thought it was interesting. APPLE PIE appears to have been filmed entirely on location in and around New York City. Whether one likes APPLE PIE or not, the ending is really cool! One last thing, the video box says "approx. 90 mins.", but it really runs only about 80 minutes.

I bought a copy of this long out-of-print movie on the old Adult Video Corporation (AVC) label for a tidy sum just to get a hold of it un-censored. The box and tape were still in very nice condition despite being manufactured long ago (in 1979).

I watched GUMS right after receiving it in the mail and was "treated" to a insane parody of JAWS featuring horny puppets, a Mermaid who blows men to death (and in one case sticks her head out of a toilet) and a Nazi lunatic played by Brother Theodore who volunteers to capture the Mermaid for oil wells instead of money. Theodore has the "Captain Quint" role in this exercise in sea-going vulgarity. Richard Bolla looks a lot like Richard Dreyfuss and carries around a blonde blow-up doll for amusement. You must see this movie to disbelieve it. Lots of underwater photography of the naked mermaid (Terri Hall) swimming around, but watch out for those lust-mad puppets! Long-delayed edit here: The 'AVC' version of the movie does not have the cartoony stuff obscuring the h/c action, of which there really isn't much of.

How come I'm the only one who ever writes comments about any of these old adult movies? I've written one for WINNABANGO and BLACKMAIL FOR DADDY and a few others. Surely I couldn't be the only one who has seen LOVE SECRETS? There is a bit of plot here. A husband and wife are in a rut. They both love each other, but they're both bored as well. And they start fantasizing about sexual situations they'd like to be involved in. The husband dreams about his busty secretary who is cute-as-a-button and the wife starts thinking about her best girlfriend who has recently moved away. She also starts dreaming about having a threesome with her girlfriend and the g-f's husband. But despite all of the couple's daydreams they seem to do nothing about "curing" their sexual boredom until . . .

One evening after dinner the husband heads for the restroom and the wife removes all of her clothes and starts, um, self-pleasuring while she looks into the mirror. Hubby unexpectedly emerges from the bathroom and finds her still having a finger full of fun and decides that's it. He nudges his wife to the bed and they have a good time with one another for the first time in a long time. As the movie ends they end up talking about other things they want to try together. This movie is short and sweet. It runs only about 55 minutes so it doesn't go on forever. Also, there's a pretty nifty opening credit sequence filmed on a beach. Worth checking out, especially if you like filmed adult movies of yesteryear. EDIT: 8+ years after writing this review I wanted to mention the original VHS release from VCX is the original movie and does not contain the un-related scene added to the DVD, which was also released by VCX. Also wanted to mention I've seen 'A FORMAL FAUCETT' and I know what scene is being talked about as having been added to 'LOVE SECRETS'. Funny how the original video release of the movie was good enough to be released 'as-is', but the DVD 'needed' to be padded out to an hour. And so it goes . . .

First, let me say the theme song played over the opening credits is lame!!! A couple of chicks with high-pitched voices sing "I Want To Be Bad" and then I wanted to retch. Ugh! The title has really nothing to do with the movie. No one does anything really "bad". There are a couple of decent scenes in this, but it's really not very good. Even by the low standard of adult movies, this still falls below that standard. Although listed in the credits, Blake Palmer's part seems to have been cut out. On the VCA video of this that I viewed (and later traded) he's only on-screen for a minute or two. Good. That can be chalked up as one of the good things about this flick. Watch this only if you're a Kay Parker completist. Otherwise, this is dreadful.

I was dopey enough some years ago to buy a used tape of this from a Blockbuster. I thought it might be fun in a campy sorta way. I wasn't expecting much in the way of high class entertainment. Well, I watched the whole movie. I concluded that it sucked -- a lot. I quickly sold the VHS for a buck, mad at myself that I had spent 2 bucks on this sh*t. Ugh!

I'm not gonna discuss the plot. You can read about what passes for the plot from another commenter. I can only say I wasn't entertained at all. I don't have high standards for movies like this, but even my low-rent standards were compromised by this pile of garbage. There are several movies whose negatives I wish I could destroy. This is one of them.

I might add that any readers who don't find this review useful are the kind of retards the director made this movie for. So there.

Winnebango takes place mostly in a . . . Winnebago. Well, maybe. You can't really tell what kind of RV the participants in this movie are riding in. At least it IS a motorhome. So there's plenty of room to "frolic". Yeah, that's what they do in this movie. They frolic. There's a plot if you could call it that. A paper bag full of ill-gotten money is stashed in an unlocked RV and the people who put it there want it back when the RV takes off on a roadtrip. The 2 girls (1 black gal, 1 white gal) in the RV pick up a hitchhiker with a military uniform on. But these gals make sure the uniform comes off quick . . . and then the guy and the gal who put the $dough$ in the motorhome show up. They're both angry and horny. Of course. This runs about 55 minutes. While it's just an average grindhouse flick, it is very hard to find because of all the unlicensed music on the soundtrack. Released on VCX video many moons ago. #B102

Lord Have Mercy, does this movie suck! This is a hybrid film. It tries to have a "serious" examination of relationships between various men and women and also to amuse us with some "titillating" adult action. It does neither. Result is laughable. All these serious-faced people dealing with spousal problems in a f**k-film. Jeepers Creepers, what's the world coming to? I think if you're going to make a movie about relationships then make one. If you're gonna make a dirty movie then make one of those. Trying to have it both ways: To have your cake and f*ck it too is a bit much for a genre not known for extending the artistic boundaries of filmed entertainment. In other words, this dopey f*ck flick is good for nothing or no one. Ugh! Rent UNDERWATER BASKET WEAVING FOR MIDGETS instead.

This is your typical adult film from the mid-70s. Gals with real body parts (and bad teeth) and guys who need a haircut. Running time for this is about 60 minutes. There is no cast credited at the beginning or the end of the movie. It just says "THE END". I don't know who submitted the cast list to the IMDb, because there are no cast credits. Only the director is credited. Under the limited budget circumstances, film isn't too bad. Plot is simple. There's a businessman whose nickname is Daddy. And Daddy does around the office whatever Daddy wants to do. His secretary is allowed to wear revealing clothes only if she will give the boss some fringe benefits. Ahh, but one day there's someone taking pictures of Daddy and his secretary having some unclothed fun in his office. Now that's a problem: Daddy wants to keep having favors done by his office staff, but what to do if his wife sees those pictures? Does Daddy come up with a viable solution to this blackmail problem . . . or does he suffer the consequences of his lust? Tune in tomorrow.

I just watched this movie for the second time and it's still just as funny as it was the first time. It's too bad this TV movie isn't better remembered. The actors all seem to be having a good time, spoofing just about every TV movie cliché the scriptwriter could think of and insert into a 90 minute movie. Morgan Fairchild handles the leading role quite well. I've read some less-than-complimentary reviews on her performances in other movies and telefilms, but she's good in this one. Morgan F. proves to have some comic timing and I found this to be an entertaining way to spend 90 minutes (twice). You can read other comments to find out the plot to this, but the bottom line is: This is a funny movie with many more gags that work than most films, TV or theatrical, of this type. Heck, I may even watch this a third time.

This 1956 Western is short and sweet (it's 80 mins). The plot is a little more complicated than many other minor westerns like this. Geo. Montgomery is a rancher who wants to cross-breed some cattle to make them heartier for the frigid Wyoming winters. He goes to Oregon with his ranch foreman (Peter Graves) to bring back some good breeding stock. But on the way to Ore. Graves gets shot up pretty bad by some horse-stealing Indians and is left behind at a lady's residence to recover (played by Marcia Henderson). What Montgomery doesn't know is before he left for Oregon good old P.G. had him set up for slaughter on the way back so he could steal the herd and along with an unscrupulous businessman and his slimy henchman (Walter Sande and Robert J. Wilke) set themselves up in the ranching business. But there are yet more complications to come on the road to ranching happiness . . . but you'll have to see the movie to find out the rest.

UPDATE: This movie was released on DVD by Warner Home Video on 3/23/09, but I've still got my long out-of-print videocassette of CANYON RIVER on the old Allied Artists Video Corporation label.

Somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain cells a song plays in my head. I can't forget it no matter how hard I try. It's MIDNIGHT MADNESS and it's gonna get to you! Wish i could find a copy of this on a 45rpm record. Five disparate teams head out one night in L.A. for a scavenger hunt for clues instead of physical objects. An unkempt game-master with two gorgeous assistants is the mastermind of all this insanity that's about to be unleashed on L.A. All the teams are stereotypes (this movie being from 1980, before political correctness screwed everything up): the "good guys", the "nerds" led by Eddie Deezen, the dumb beer-loving "jocks", the "we-don't-need-a-man-type ladies", especially the redhead. The giggling twins are a scream, too. And finally, the "bad guys" with Stephen Furst as the leader. Furst is hilarious as the overweight slob Harold, whose attempt to use a computer to decipher the various clues leads to a gooey mess. Movies like this aren't made anymore. These days, movies have to have an "edginess" to them with some dark characters and other nonsense. Go back to the days when the "good guys" led by David Naughton were still good and not hopelessly conflicted. So dump all serious pretensions and go back to 1980. It's MIDNIGHT MADNESS . . .

I don't care what print of this film I saw, there was absolutely no redeeming value in this alternately boring, wretchedly made horror opus. I truly cannot believe how many people actually like this pile of garbage. It did not scare me at all; it did not entertain me at all; in fact, the only thing I wondered was what the point of this whole exercise was. If one is going to make a trashy, nearly plot less movie at least one should make it entertaining. I've seen lots of horror movies; some good and some OK and then I've seen ones like this: in serious need of having the celluloid recycled into ANYTHING else. I will not watch this movie again. And not because it disturbed me because of its plot line, but because it was just so damn bad with a capital "B". Some folks find this movie to be Wes Craven's masterpiece. Some folks, therefore, are in need of therapy because only a basket case would find this poorly made rubbish to be the epitome of Wes Craven's output. Whoever used their money to bankroll this amateurish mish-mash should have spent it on scientific research on how crap like this becomes a "masterpiece" in the eyes of some people. Ugh!

This average movie about an interracial love affair between a frustrated New York housewife on vacation and the local black Caribbean stud is on video under the title "Tropical Heat" on Vidcrest Home Video (Catalog #116). An earlier "user comment" said this movie wasn't on video, but it is. It's just not under the original title "Hot Pants Holiday". It was released on Vidcrest in 1984. Don't know if any other company put this out on video.

Not much plot worth describing here, but the video version of this movie I have is loaded with nudity and is titled "Naked Paradise" (on VCI Home Video). The number of titles this movie goes under is probably more interesting than the movie itself. I see where an unfortunate individual who commented on the film rented this under the title "Emmanuelle In Egypt". Only problem is that this is not an "Emmanuelle" movie. Clever and misleading video company that was! "Naked Paradise" is a much better title for this movie about various relationships (sexual and otherwise) between family members and others milling about on an island without much to do except fornicate or think about fornicating. Not a deep, spiritual movie by any means.

This 1972 horror/suspense thriller is a truly odd film. I really like this movie, but those who don't like weird Hammer Studios horror films ought to tread warily. The atmosphere is eerie and just plain creepy sometimes. The plot is better left seen than described, but this film is for patient viewers who don't mind not having the plot spelled out for them -- but who like to try and figure things out themselves. And there are lots of things to figure out! When I watched this movie the first time I really had no idea how it would end. This film also made me wonder how the people who concocted the story came up with such a diffuse plot with so many different things going on at the same time. Truly boggles the mind. No pun intended!

It's a mad movie with a fiery finale.

This 1970 British horror pic is just oozing with atmosphere. It takes place in England in the 1600s where life was harsh and the appearance of weird bones in a farmer's field sets off a chain of demonic activities when a group of farm children discover them. They then begin to worship a mysterious evil entity and start sacrificing other children to it. The music score is appropriate for the movie and there were some scenes that made my skin crawl (no pun intended). I would recommend this movie for connoisseurs of classic horror pictures where the characters don't act like total fools when confronted with evil. If you're squeamish, don't watch this in the dark.