cogleone

IMDb member since January 2004
    Lifetime Total
    10+
    IMDb Member
    16 years

Reviews

District 9
(2009)

Thought I'd get Prawns but instead I got a Turkey!
God where do I start? This film was the pits, the critics must have had a communal lobotomy before viewing it. I am still smarting at myself for not hurdling out of the theater after ten minutes.

Director Neil Blog-pamphlet depicts Aliens in the slums of Johansabourg, they are nicely drawn by Weta (film's only redeeming feature). Annoying, squeaky local Saffa, Derek Trousers, is hired to oust said Alens from their slums. The documentary crew (conviently disbanded when the film goes south) catch all the allegorical apartheid exchanges with the Aliens. Wow what political subtext, un-solidly reinforced by the schoolboy idea about Aliens being addicted to cat-food.

Man eventually spills black fluid on himself, turns into Alien, film gets worse, Nigerians Lord it in the slums minus acting ability, bloke next to me is texting, weapons get shot, Aliens behave like humans, I'm longing for it to be over, Mother ship's engine starts, film ends, I'm far from satisfied, no refund from disinterested cashier, I go home with a flea in my ear.

Slumdog Millionaire
(2008)

Rubbish and Clichéd
Danny Boyle does it again. Wows the critics with stylised nonsense then goes home to gel his hair like Morrissey's.

Went to see Slumdog Billionaire after reading rave reviews. Big mistake, what I got was "cool camera angles", hip bhangra soundtrack to tiresome montages, characters that live in dire poverty but somehow manage to "dig deep" so as to act playfully out of character when the next collection of critic-duping-cool-shots requires it (see 28 Days Later/Trainspotting for further examples of this, who's the director of those again?).

I give this film 2 stars, one star because I bought into the overly manipulated positive end, basically the kid wins big and the nation is uplifted, and the other star for the authentic location, Bombay. I also liked the cheesy game show host but he's not worth a star.

The contrivances in this film belong in an Eastenders Christmas Special, they were so bad. Do they not pre-record Millionaire in India? The fact that he used his "phone a friend" lifeline to call his "gansta" brother, only for his brother to have donated his phone to his long lost childhood sweetheart (who happens to be a drop-dead gorgeous super-babe brought up in the slums) who just so happens to be caught in gridlock traffic on her way to the studio to see Jamal. So when the game-show calls the brother to ask a question about the 3 Musketeers, her phone rings, she answers, he recognises her voice, there is a silence, like two yearning soul-mates reconnecting after years of painful separation. (even though you only have 30 seconds to ask the question and give the four possible answers).

And the very end, sprint for the sick bag please, and what was with that stupid end credits dance sequence? I know you're meant to give dramatic licence to a film and suspend some semblance of reality but come on! Danny Boyle should stand trial for this disgrace.

Jamal is the chief protagonist by the way.

Quantum of Solace
(2008)

A Crudfest of Dullness
This should have been the real title. After Casino Royale, we were all re-energised, we were all psyched for another instalment of Bond. However Quantum of Dullness just didn't deliver. It reverts back to the old Bond, you know, the ones that start quite well then get confusing and before its even half way through, you've lost interest and walked out of the cinema. Viz once did an article "Guess the Bond film with Leonardo Dicaprio" family members all sat around on Christmas day, watching the Bond film on TV, nobody could guess which one it was, "Goldfinger" said Grandpa, "Octopussy" said Auntie Mavis, however, none of this mattered because everybody was asleep by the first commercial break. Well this is a perfect analogy for the latest film.

Confusing, dull, un-engaging? yes. Fit women, nice cars? yes. Make loads at the box office? yes. Handpicked reviewers on a payout to write positive reviews? yes. Ridiculous flimsy bad guy with outrageous global plan? yes.

Lost
(2004)

I love to hate this tripe
Astonishingly, I liked the first series. Then, the biggest mistake of my life, I borrowed the second series. God, what a pile of arse-trash. Talk about drag city. Plot goes something like this; more catwalk models join the cast, all have mysterious backgrounds that are rammed down our throats for three-quarters of the episodes in the form of flashbacks, Jack glad-eyes Kate, but never gives her a bunk up, Sayid has the worst accent in the multiverse, Sawyer was interesting, but he's only there now for the female fans, the fat one is wearing thin, the Others take an eternity to do anything, some lightweight supernatural enigma gets introduced, then shoved under the carpet, only to be revisited 5 episodes later, by which time you have forgotten it, but thanks to the editors, they remind you of those specific events (otherwise you won't understand the upcoming episode) in the "previously on Lost" bit, which, by the way, often shows things from previous series, hence somewhat excluding new viewers by presupposing that everybody watching has been avidly following from the start, the Koreans cure everybody's insomnia, the sea is never generous enough to self-tidal-wave and drown the island's inhabitants, the French woman insults the viewers intelligence with the worst acting in the history of breathing, Locke loses the will to be engaging and I die of natural causes.

Throw your television at the cat.

Rambo
(2008)

More Belly-Laughs For Your Money
Rambo is blinding. I went to see it for a laugh, got more than I bargained for. Forget all the negative reviews. Most of those are written by sour feminists, who'd rather promote some bra-burning agenda than see artistry unfold before their eyes.

Rambo ferries some God botherers up the River to Burma, he fancies the chick. The do-gooders get kidnapped by the brutal Burmese Army. Cue a bunch of hilarious hard edged mercenaries, primed to inflict some apocalyptic violence on these aggressors. They treat 'boatman' Rambo like an imbecile, but Sly proves his worth, rescuing their arses by firing arrows into crazed militia's faces with unbelievable precision.

They rescue the captives, the army send out the hounds. Rambo improvises, with an unexploded World War 2 bomb, he tricks the pooches and they drink an 80,000 mega tonne explosion which must have killed at least 500 people, what with the rippling aftershock.

Rambo chops the top third of some army general's body off, jumps behind a mounted rail gun and fires about 5,000 rounds a minute into the jungle. We see Burmese limbs somersaulting through the forest, rib cages collapsing, heads splintering, boatmen banqueting on rocket launchers. Eventually Rambo takes one in the shoulder, how injured is he? Well this question is soon answered when another truckload of crazed army men arrive. Sensing danger, Rambo ignores his wound, gets second-wind, jumps behind the freshly loaded rail-gun, and lets them have it! The truck's inhabitants are lambs to the slaughter, majestically rag-dolling as Sly peppers their fidgeting bodies with titanium bullets. Eventually all the violence eases off, Rambo has one last present for the leader of the army. He plunges his knife into his gut, not content with this, Rambo drags said knife sideways and disembowels the poor bastard.

I lost count of how many times I belly-laughed during this film, they don't make them like that any more! It's ultra-violence of the highest order. Thank you Sly, I left the theatre thoroughly entertained, probably not a first-date movie.

There Will Be Blood
(2007)

Brilliant and Overrated
There will be Blood is hilariously weird. Daniel Plainview has a screw loose and drags his son to work every day. He gets a red hot tip about where to find lashings of oil. The tipster is ugly Paul Dano, who plays both brothers of a twin. Daniel discovers oil, goes mental and ends up in church. The pastor of the church is the twin of pre-mentioned tipster who is as big a fruit-loop as Daniel.

Daniel descends into mentalness, until the end scene. This scene is like something out of a pantomime. I loved it, others didn't, the music was by Radiohead guitarist Jonny Greenwood. His orgasmic crescendos reminiscent of Thom Yorkes yodel-lay-ing at its most depressing.

I could drone on about the cinematography and Daniel Day Lewis's intensity but I'll let others do that.

Juno
(2007)

A film of 2 Halves
Juno is 16 going on 48; she is a clever dick quipper, somehow able to access the most accurate, insightful comeback at any time. But hang on a minute, so is her dad. There were many instances of Juno and Pops talking where it turned into a crop-mop-top-combo-of-in-vogue-quip-muppetry. When I was 16 I didn't know or care about half the things Juno referenced in her numerous retorts, and I'm a better man for it, what with the emotional scars and tippex addiction. I was violently fidgeting in my cinema seat at the self-assuredness of it all, half the theatre goers were laughing, the other half puking. I was in the third half, the one being told by security to stop attempting to rip my chair from its starter position. Not all the popcorn and buckets of coke in the world would appease my rage, apart from the fact that Ellen Page is quite cute.

Then the second half of the movie came and Juno became vulnerable and it was so much better. Jennefer Garner played a good part. Jason Bateman came off as a creep and by the end I quite liked it.

Eastern Promises
(2007)

Viggo gets his gonads out in gritty Russian flick
Saw Eastern Promises at the Prince Charles Theatre. An appropriately seedy setting for this arse revealing, balls-swinging-in-the-wind, London unflattering, enjoyable nonsense.

Viggo is the driver for some flash Russian Ponce with floppy hair, whose dad is a Russian mob leader. The front for this operation is a restaurant where the grizzly faced dad serves up Eastern slop.

Naomi Watts is a London nurse with her cute girl-second-next-door looks. She gets lumbered with a baby, who leads her to aforementioned Russians, and in a right pickle. Viggo seems to warm to her and warns her off.

Things happen etc. Eventually Viggo is going to get clipped in the Sauna. Cue a naked fight with knives and rectum close-ups. Good lad Viggo, never one to swerve revealing his biffin. One of the hit men was in both The Football Factory and The Business. Two vile films by that lowlife South East London scum Nick Love.

A great review

No Country for Old Men
(2007)

Body count in double figures, often dull but OK movie.
No Country for Old Men had my arse aching in my cinema seat. I went to see it at the pretentious Curzon Soho in London's West End.

The film is real slow. Javier Bardem has hilarious hair, Josh Brolin takes about four hours to assess the bloody scene he stumbled across while hunting, and there were dead dogs to boot. There were lots of hilarious dialogue exchanges, unfortunately though, the odd one was so drowned in Texan drawl, that I didn't quite hear what they said.

I don't know why critics are getting erections over this film. It seems that these days, the reviews will return favourable if you deliver your movie at snail pace and have a talented cinematographer (see The Assassination of Jesse James By That Coward Robert Ford for a gratuitous example of this).

The ending was abrupt, I felt like I had been toe-punted in the tip through disappointment..

The Golden Compass
(2007)

Didn't expect much, didn't get much
Saw the Golden Compass last night and was remotely entertained. The daemons were cute, the professors were very posh, but the film was quite bland.

I wish I'd read the book because it felt like the film skipped over the more intriguing bits, like the whole "dust" idea. I think the producers thought "well, hmm, yes that is important, but lets just quickly reference it and then jump to the action, because kids these days have the attention span of a blue-bottle fly and need an assault on their senses or they'll be showering their parents with impatient upper-cuts!"

Nicole Kidman played herself, soulless, witchlike, creepily beautiful. The lead girl was great, some of the other kids were very good, one of the chicks I went with said she thought one of he kids was way too cute, I said "what, the one who is dressed shabbily but somehow still manages to maintain a Gap Kids hairstyle?"

I burst out laughing when the bear first started talking, not to mock the film, no, I laughed at Ian McKellen's voice. He seems to pop up in every action fantasy blockbuster these days. Good luck to him I say, you've got to keep the wolf from the door and those Hollywood dollars must make him sleep better at night.

Daniel Craig eventually shaved off his beard, Eva Green didn't look as nice as she did in Casino Royale, we only got seven minutes of her, and Sam Elliot played his part well. I'll always love Sam for narrating The Big Lebowski.

Léon
(1994)

The Worlds Needs a War
Often, I think and say things that could be taken as offensive, I love it really, what's the point in being nice when everybody else is a savage? Like the fact that the human race has lost its grip and is rating trash like Leon so highly. Even so called intellectuals will violently steam into those who don't rate this film, as if you've just assaulted their mother or something.

It is unadulterated Diarrhea, the story is dreadful, Jean Reno is diabolical, Gary Oldman walked onto the wrong set and Natalie Portman is a Peado's wet dream. Oh yeah, there's guns and stuff, wow what a great story. Cool Indie Flick, "oooh I'm just misunderstood, etc. Lets make a film about a child assassin, that'll get the horny voters in, ooh we're so cool voting Leon so high, I don't know what I'm doing, ooh blah"

What I say is correct and is always great and accurate.

We Own the Night
(2007)

Zombies Spoon Feeding Us Lines
Not a good film at all. Forget all the positive reviews, the only decent bits were the blurry car chase and the scene where Joaquin Phoenix goes to the Russian mob's den and gets found out.

A hilarious continuity cut at the start put me in the mood for the film though. Eva Mendes is having her bean flicked by Joaquin, one minute she's got tights on, the next they disappear! Hey Presto, Joaquin is a wizard!! After that the film just doesn't deliver. I spent the whole time comparing it to films it's like which are better, like The Departed and Carlito's Way. Mr Phoenix looks like he's on Temazepam, he wanders through the film in a daze, disinterested, and tired, he acts like he's just come out of an "Eat as much as you can" Chinese Buffet, shouldn't have had that 3rd plate Joaquin.

Mark Whalberg drifts in and out of the film with the enthusiasm of somebody who's just read such an appalling script. Robert Duvall is solid but dull. There are plenty of contrived exchanges that drag the film down. And Joaquin's transformation from night club manager to gun toting cop belongs in the realm of Science Fiction.

The guy who plays Jumbo gives one of the most shocking performances in the history of cinema. He acts in that generic-pseudo-cool gangster way, but his execution is diabolical, and to top it all, you get the feeling that the actor playing the role actually thinks he's doing a great job! I think he should retire.

Not very good at all.

The Matrix
(1999)

Terrible, Rubbish, Shocking, Awful, Dreadful, The Pits, Diabolical
Quite simply, The Matrix is an overblown pile of tosh, unengaging tripe at the best of times, depressing nonsense at worst. Keanu is outrageously bad as Neo, Lawrence "should have skipped those 5 burgers" Fishburne gives a career worst performance.

As for the effects, dreadful! Already look badly dated. The story is a tired mish-mash of inconprehensible crud! I went to the cinema with a few pals, we got separated. They saw it in another screen approx 30mins after me. When they came out they were raving about how good it was. I have since disowned them. Anybody who says they like this film should be erased from you life.

Utter utter garbage personified!!!!!!!!

The Prestige
(2006)

I'm addicted to it
Every so often I see a film that I get addicted to. As soon as I watch it in the cinema I know I'm going to buy it the day it comes out on DVD.

Well The Prestige is the latest of these. This film gets better and better with each viewing. Hugh Jackman should have won many awards for his role. People say "Oscar" but there are better awards out there than that, the Oscars are about as representative of what's the "very best" as the IMDb's Top 250 list is.

People have told me that they predicted the end, well that's their funeral, I never clicked until it was revealed for me, so I got much more value for my money.

Christopher Nolan is a master. Even though he seems quite humourless in his DVD extra interviews. He makes extremely entertaining films that are well cast and superbly executed, just as the Prestige is.

All those who never liked the film should be rounded up in a field and used for crazed scientific experiments, we could use Tesla!

Live Free or Die Hard
(2007)

Utter Garbage
Live Free or Die Hard, or "Die Hard 4.0" as my invitation flyer said, is dreadful.

A loathable, wise-cracking computer geek gets hunted by robotic, cold blooded terrorists, Brucie turns up, has a bad day etc. After some "attitude" from the geek, Brucie Baby starts liking the kid. Cut to FBI headquarters where things are inexplicably going pear shaped, and the actor from Sunshine is getting hot under the collar. His adviser, one of the bad guys from the 1st series of 24, has no answers! The FBI happen to need the aforementioned too-cool-for-school-floppy-haired-IT-whizzkid to avert an internet terrorist plot! Cue lots of close ups of monitors processing complex algorithms with some super-fit Oriental chick directing proceedings (as if she'd be a terrorist with those looks) spouting unrealistic, unheard of computer lies. Mix that up with indestructible, gymnastic, top-heavy martial-arts-expert bad-guys, ridiculous fight scenes, cars flying into helicopters, good looking cyber criminals speed walking into rooms, eliminating security guards with silenced pistols, and you have your joint biggest waste of money of the year.

The one-liners were so devoid of humour, a pack of hyenas would have been depressed, and like many films these days, it was about 50 minutes too long, I was praying for the ending but it dragged on and on. At least it was a freebie, and Brucie won.

If you want a mindless festival of nonsense then this film still wouldn't satisfy.

1408
(2007)

1408 is alright
Lots of people are getting carried away with this movie. It was pretty good. It even convinced me to like John Cusack. You see, I don't think I've seen a Cusack movie before, I've tended to see trailers of his movies that occur average at best, indulgent mediocrity at worst. He has one of those faces, you know, he reminds you of somebody you never liked from school.

Anyway, John is a cynical author who checks into the most haunted room in the universe. He does this against the will of Hotel Manager Samuel L Jackson (acting in usual cruise control). Soon the room transforms into a noisy earthquaking-harrowing-winter-wonderland where dead relatives hang out to haunt John. The bathroom stretches, the pictures wobble, the incidental music intensifies, the screaming mortifies, the sound effects nullify, the knee jerks quantify and in the end you have an assault on the senses worthy of any post-four hour line up for a Universal Studios theme park ride!

I think they could have significantly reduced the use of dramatic music, silence is often much more effective in horror flicks. Also, if I have to complain (I hate complaining you see), the ending wasn't resolved in a satisfying way. I thought the slight twist was dealt with too swiftly and too lightly.

Overall, not bad.

28 Days Later...
(2002)

Massively Overrated
I originally saw this in the Cinema and left un-entertained. I thought it was a good idea that was shoddily executed. Some acting was appalling especially the daughter, can't remember her name.

Also, Danny Boyle isn't a good director, he's meant to be making a horror film here and he puts a stupid supermarket scene in. It starts with trolleys being ridiculously choreographed through the checkouts and the 2 girls having great fun helping themselves to the chocolate, forget 5 minutes before, when they were nearly savaged by the sprinting zombies.

And the ending?! What a joke. Cillian Murphy is suddenly an action hero. Nowhere before in the movie did it reveal that he had such stealth skills and the nerve to take out trained army personnel.

28 Weeks Later was by far a superior film. So when 28 Days Later was on TV last night, I thought maybe I was being a bit harsh with it, so I watched it again. After two hours, I realised I wasn't being harsh enough.

4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
(2007)

Conned Into Seeing it By Some Positive Reviews
I should have trusted my gut instinct, my common sense, and realised that this would have been the hugest pile of un-engaging crudular tripe ever made.

But no, I read a couple of reviews in the Free Papers (should have clicked here) saying that it was 95 minutes of fun. Well I had no fun, just sat there squirming with manic depression! It is the worst avalanche of excretion to be released in centuries. There's not even any point in saying about anything in the film, it was so useless.

Those people who wrote those 4 (out of five) star reviews should be banished to the sort of worlds that the Silver Spunker comes from.

Don't go and see this nonsense, Jessica Elba is tasty, but so are all the girls on the cover of the 90 men's mags at your local paper shop. She's just "some bird!"

Spider-Man 3
(2007)

People were bored stiff.
Yes, I saw Spiderman 3 on opening night at the Odeon Leciester Square in London. After about half an hour I was bored, and so were these 4 teenage girls sitting in the row behind. They decided to talk loud, kiss their teeth at anyone telling them to be quiet, answer their mobiles, even though those wonderful guys from Orange have spent millions advertising their product, oh and asking if we'd turn our phones off during the movie.

Anyway, the screen in front was showing some chick flick with inconsistent special effects, rubbish story line etc, still no action yet. The action behind me was unfolding nicely, a guy next to me threatened to call security on the motor-mouthed teen girls. They called his bluff, he got up an marched off in a huff., the girls said "your mum!". A minute later he returned with a bean-pole, drink of water of an usher who couldn't scare a pigeon, he asked them to be quiet, they did, for about 3 minutes. Meanwhile, I think something happened in the movie, but can't remember what, Kirsten Dunst was on screen so that made me turn my head round at the naughty girls again. By now they were throwing sweet wrappers at each other, great fun! I think Sandman had arrived in the movie, but the girls were more entertaining.

The guy next to me's blood was boiling, he waded through our row, and got security on the lovely teenage girls! This time, a security guard came, he looked really tough, taking on four 14 year olds, rather than throw them out, he sat next to them, they kept commenting under their breath that this was "wrong" it was "nuff bad", I thought "rather like the movie!" Anyway the film dragged on then ended. Its not very good at all, if you're under five or like Hollyoaks then you may like it.

The Bourne Supremacy
(2004)

Loved it
I absolutely loved this film. The pacing, the action sequences, the acting, all hugely effective. Yeah I know there was shaky camera-work but who cares, I didn't let it affect my understanding of what was going on. Many have suggested that this put them off the movie, but I thought it a good exercise in making your brain work a bit harder, with your eyes whizzing around attempting to capture what the camera is trying to tell you.

Joan Allen was excellent, the music score great and I felt completely energised after seeing this movie. Great Job!!!! And what's even better is my opinion isn't the absolute truth!! Its just another point of view!! Ha Ha

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