tarbosh22000 Reviews (1,510)

Phoenix (III) (2023)

Joyous stupidity reigns supreme with Phoenix. We say watch it and have a great time.

[7/10 · 16 April 2024]

Fiona Grant (Marie) is a very tough army Sergeant, teaching hand-to-hand combat in Afghanistan. When General Shackleton (McDonough) informs her that her father Everett (Couture) was found dead, he all but forces her to take a leave of absence, such is her dedication to the military. So Fiona, who is nicknamed "Phoenix" for reasons that become apparent later, returns to her hometown of Miami and begins her quest for justice and answers.

After her first order of business, dyeing her hair her trademark pink, she is then ready to take on the gang of Russian mobster Maxim Vasiliiv (Prudius), which includes Scavenger (Ling), among others. This syndicate of baddies is creatively named The Syndicate. Shackleton offers to help Fiona even though he's still back in Afghanistan. But Phoenix has local help: family friend Bullet (Zito) joins the fray, and her father's former bodyguard Artemis (Camp) is there too. Obviously it all comes down to the final fight between Fiona and Maxim...will this PHOENIX rise again?

Here's a pro tip before starting to watch Phoenix: just glue your face to your palm, because if you don't, that action will be repeated so often, you may injure your elbow. Or your face. And here's a warning as well: if you're going to watch Phoenix, you HAVE to like stupidity. You really have to enjoy watching stupid things, or you will not get the full benefit of what this film has to offer. Thankfully, we do, and the fun, humor, and charm of Phoenix quickly becomes apparent.

The opening shipping yard fight with Couture (there are a lot of establishing shots of shipping yards, as if that would somehow wow the viewers: "Cool! Look at all those shipping containers! Radical!") is highly ridiculous and has that "dumb" factor that makes the viewer say, "Uhhhh...." That sort of vibe does not let up from there on out, thankfully.

Another wise choice by the filmmakers was having Natalie Eva Marie be the main star and have her carry the film. Her flat affect is so flat, we've seen the EKG's of dead people that were less flat. However, it's important to understand that this is not an insult. We loved her performance and the movie as a whole is highly entertaining, mainly because of her. We hope to see more Marie in the future and we hope she doesn't ever change. You put her together with other master thespians like Bai Ling, Chuck Zito, and Randy Couture, plus English-as-a-second-language co-stars like Prudius, and it's all a 4th of July fireworks show of "bad" acting, non-acting, incomprehensible acting, amateur acting, flat acting, and the like. And we wouldn't want it any other way.

Presumably, director Zirilli was there while all of this was going on. So we as viewers can assume that all of this was what he wanted (?) He's been directing DTV action films for a while now so presumably that's the situation. In any case, it does appear that some time was spent on the fight and action scenes, which is what fans really are there for, which is what Zirilli must have thought. Of course, the hand-to-hand combat scenes are much better executed than the gun-shooting and blow-ups, which feature muzzle flashes, bullet hits, and fire gags that are home-computer level. But, at this point, let's just chuck all that into the mix and have a great time.

It's all wrapped up in a scant 82 minutes, which feels shorter because it's all so entertaining. Then the viewer is treated to the world's slowest end-credits crawl. You really have to see how slow this is to believe it. There's no shame whatsoever in having an 82 minute film. To us, that's a good thing and more movies should be that length. But it does appear the filmmakers were embarrassed by that for some reason. Either that or Tubi forced them to do it.

Joyous stupidity reigns supreme with Phoenix. We say watch it and have a great time.

Strength and Honour (2007)

We definitely give Strength and Honour a strong recommendation.

[6/10 · 11 April 2024]

Sean Kelleher (Madsen) used to be 'The Best' - in this case, the best boxer in County Cork, Ireland. When he accidentally kills a man in the ring, he gives up punching forever. He even promises his young son Michael (Whelton) he'll never box again. Things change drastically when it turns out that Michael has a rare heart condition that only a Los Angeles doctor and $300,000 will cure. Going back to what he knows, Sean is aware that a local no rules bareknuckle fighting tournament called the Puck could be the answer to his money woes.

So, because he's been out of the game for so long, he goes back to his old trainer, O'Leary (Chamberlain). But the current champion of the Puck is a dangerously violent and unstable lunatic named Smasher O'Driscoll (Jones). Apparently, you don't just win the Puck - if you win, you are the Puck. You are also crowned King of the Travellers. Someone with a stable house (i.e. Not a trailer) is not even allowed to enter the Puck. You have to be a Traveller, which appears to our American eyes to be a sort of Irish Gypsy. Leader of these people, Papa Boss (Bergin), helps Sean and his supporters in their mission. Now Sean is fighting for a cause. Not because he just enjoys hitting people, like Smasher, but because his son's life is on the line. To defeat Smasher and win/become the Puck, and become King of the Travellers, he's going to need Strength - but does he have the Honour?

Strength and Honour is an earnest Irish drama that also happens to be a Punchfighter. That might account for the divided opinion that seems to follow the film. Lovers of earnest Irish dramas probably aren't going to watch it (or will never have heard of it), but the sort of viewer that enjoys the simple-minded spectacle of shirtless men endlessly punching each other likely won't warm to the more dramatic aspects.

The familiar story trajectory we've seen many times before, rather than grating on the viewer with cliches, feels more comfortable this time around, kind of like coming home. While the Puck is Punchfighting through and through, the rabid crowds don't clutch cash in their hands. That's because these working-class people probably don't have much cash to spare, but also because the Puck is not about money. It's about tradition, and, yes, Strength and Honour.

We're spelling "Honour" like that because this film never received a U. S. release, so American distributors never got the chance to change it to the U-less spelling. In any case, What makes all the difference is that Madsen really seems to care about the proceedings. Like Marlon Brando or Burt Reynolds, Madsen is an actor that, if he feels the material is not worth caring about, he openly just doesn't. But, thankfully, here he does. DTV fans may just want to tune in for the final fight between Vinnie Jones and Michael Madsen, a confrontation not seen before or since (as of this writing).

But there's a lot more going on here to sink your teeth into. Patrick Bergin and Richard Chamberlain of all people round out the more well-known names in the cast. Both are quite welcome and help the film to rise above its low-budget station. Better-than-average outdoor cinematography (the indoor scenes are a bit dark) also helps a lot, and even in the more downtrodden places, the viewer gets a glimpse of the beauty of Ireland. The acting is also top-shelf and there's plenty of grit to go around.

Now, the last time we saw an Irish film about someone who trains for a fighting tournament - a sort of Irish Kumite, if you will - it was Fatal Deviation (1998). Besides the plot similarities, these two outings could not be more different. S&H is somber and downbeat. FD is silly and ridiculous. If you feel like comparing and contrasting, a double feature would probably be an interesting night's entertainment.

To quote Imdb user themoviehunter-1: "Strength and Honor is a story of hope and personal triumph, and in this world filled with Matrix-wannabees, B-level comedy full of toilet humor, and 300 million dollar glitz, it's refreshing to find a film with no gratuitous sex, gore, or profanity. This film has such a strong and simple theme, you won't have a feeling of apprehension taking your 13 year-old daughter to see it (and she'll probably hug you on the way out of the theater). To put it in a single phrase, this movie is what good film-making is all about."

While Strength and Honour may be serious-minded, we still get a flamboyant psycho as only Vinnie Jones can do it, regarding the Smasher character. There's much else to recommend here, so we won't mention everything, but we will definitely give Strength and Honour a strong recommendation.

Breakaway (1996)

Got to Love Tonya!

[6/10 · 4 April 2024]

Myra Styles (Thompson) is a courier for a mobster named Anton (Ray Dash). Tired of running bags of money all over L. A. only to have to defend herself against the city's finest dirtbags, she tells Anton she wants out. She should have known it wouldn't be that easy. Either by accident or design, she ends up with the money she was supposed to have delivered on her last run. At first, Anton just sends his workaday goons after her, but she was too smart and slick for them, and then the big gun is called in: a ruthless hitman named Grey (Estevez) is now on her trail as well. How does Gina (Harding) fit into all this? And will Myra finally make her ultimate BREAKAWAY?

In the vein of other DTV outings such as Point Doom, Money To Burn, The Stranger, and Fast Money, Breakaway may not have a high IQ but it does entertain. Just to sidestep the elephant in the room, yes, Tonya Harding is front and center here. While The Academy may have snubbed her that year for Best Supporting Actress, she'll always be the winner in our hearts. Just the fact that she's a cast member of Breakaway sets it apart and makes it something special. All her scenes are great (you actually get more Tonya than we were expecting), and you even get some Tonya-Fu. You could argue that she stole the show (or, rather, skated away with it).

There are warehouse fights, chases, shooting, beat-ups, and a very PM-esque car explosion. Myra also walks away from a blow-up in classic style. It does deliver the 90's-style action, and has plenty of humor along the way. There are some stereotypical gangsters that love to play basketball, characters with baggy pants, and it all seems to get dumber as it goes along. That could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your point of view. It more or less worked for us, however.

You don't want to get on Anton's bad side. In a fit of rage, he smashes his fax machine. A more 90's expression of rage might not be possible. You have to wait 34 minutes to get to Joe Estevez, but what Joe Estevez you get is quality Joe Estevez. Estevez. Teri Thompson is a worthy tough-gal to handle all the baddies coming after her. In its own low budget way, it all kind of prefigures John Wick.

As long as you don't take it all so seriously (and why would you?), you'll likely have a good time watching Breakaway. If not, there's a scene with Tonya Harding right around the corner.

Los Bravos (2001 Video)

Don't be put off by the uninviting box art for Los Bravos. Give it a shot, and you'll be very entertained.

[6/10 · 28 March 2024]

Hector Riviera (Echavarria) seems like your classic family man - he has a wife, Nicole (Petersen), a young son, Jonathan (Osteen), and he wears a suit and tie to work, and when he comes home after a hard day, he says "Honey, I'm home!" and then grabs a sandwich that just happens to be lying right there on the counter at that very moment. However, the idyllic Riviera family life is about to take a turn for the deadly.

As it turns out, Riviera is a veteran of the Falklands War. After he meets up with an old war buddy from their native land of Argentina, Tomas (Iacoviello), they get into a bar brawl at Superfoot's. Luckily, Superfoot's is owned by Bill "Superfoot" Wallace (who evidently is portraying himself) and he joins the fray. But the real danger comes in the form of DeFuego (Qissi) and his nutbar hitman Reaper (Watson). They are systematically killing off all the old members of Riviera's Falklands unit. After his wife and son are kidnapped by DeFuego and Reaper, Riviera snaps into action to fight the bad guys and rescue his family.

All the while, a seemingly-ineffectual pair of detectives, Sims (Beckford) and Levy (Stormer), are on his trail. Will Riviera evade the cops (who suspect him of the killings, of course), beat the baddies and save Nicole and Jonathan? It may seem like a tall order, but Hector Echavarria...er, sorry...Hector Riviera is up to the task!

We've got some surprising good news to report - we really liked Los Bravos! You'd think, just from looking at the cover, that it would be one of those gangbanger/barrio movies (sort of the Latin equivalent of Homie Movies) - but it isn't at all. There are no homies of any sort anywhere here. Los Bravos is a straight-up Martial Arts action movie of the sort we all love and enjoy. Sure, of course it's all done on a low budget, which may put some people off, but if you're one of those people, why are you watching Los Bravos?

There's a lot to enjoy here: Hector Echavarria is very likable, which is crucial to the whole thing hanging together. You really care about him and his plight. You root for him as he fights the baddies and tries to be a good husband and father, all the while struggling with his English pronunciations. There's something endearing about that. Both he, and the movie itself are really trying. That goes a long way with us, the audience.

The Falklands angle gave the proceedings a different spin, which we appreciated. There are also a panoply of entertaining side characters, such as Hector's boss, who seems like he would be in an infomercial of that time, the bickering boyfriend and girlfriend, the mall security guards, and even the two cops, Sims and Levy. It appears effort was made to make this more than a 'kick you in the face' movie. But even if it was just that, it would probably still be a good one: the beginning alley fight is very stupid in the best possible way, and the inevitable bar brawl at Superfoot's was highly entertaining.

All the fighting with Echavarria, Qissi and Ryan Watson (AKA Reaper) is great stuff and is gold for fans of the genre. Reaper even has one especially fantastic trick up his sleeve. We wouldn't dare spoil it here, of course. The whole package is tightly wrapped up with a 77-minute running time and a great time is had by all.

While the release date for Los Bravos is 2001, the copyright date at the end of the credits states 1998, which means that it was likely shot throughout '97-'98, which makes sense when you watch it. Jonathan is playing what appears to be a Sega Genesis game with his gaggle of 12-year-old buddies (a scene familiar to us all; it seemingly would be incomplete without at least one plate of Totino's Pizza Rolls). There's a great moment when Hector and his son are sitting in front of a computer and Hector says something like, "Do you know how to use the internet?" - Hector even does an early version of FaceTime/Skype with his boss.

Don't be put off by the uninviting box art for Los Bravos. Give it a shot, and you'll be very entertained.

Fists of Steel (1989)

Fists of Steel is a worthwhile and fun watch, if you can find it.

[7/10 · 21 March 2024]

Carlos "Conquistador" Diaz (Palomino) is an ex-Marine who served in 'Nam. Due to some sort of accident with his hands, his knuckle and finger bones were replaced with metal joints. Hence, he truly has FISTS OF STEEL. The CIA tries to recruit Diaz because they want to catch an evil baddie named Shogi (Silva) and his sidekick Katrina (Marks), who is described as "The Best". Naturally, at first Carlos is unimpressed with the CIA's offer, but when they show him what appears to be news footage of Shogi killing his father, he then gets hoppin' mad and goes on his own mission to get revenge against Shogi. He ends up traveling to Hawaii, where he encounters more baddies, such as Saylor (Tessier) and Rijar (Tarkington). But will Shogi feel the wrath of Diaz's FISTS OF STEEL?

Fists of Steel - not to be confused with Hands of Steel (1986), the classic Paco Queruak vehicle - starts with a cool song and logo, so the audience immediately gets sucked in. Then we see Henry Silva's Shogi character, inexplicably dressing up as various different characters in order to kill people. Just why he does this is never explained later in the film. Maybe the idea is that he's just so evil, he enjoys playing a bit of dress-up as a hobby as he kills his prey.

You really do care about Carlos's plight, and the whole thing overall has an odd vibe that's easy to love. As of this writing, Fists of Steel is a VERY rare movie, and not deserving of its hard-to-find status. You've gotta love Carlos's gym buddies and some of the other non-actors that give FOS a lot of flavor. No one knows why Silva is named Shogi, but Tessier is a sailor named...Saylor. Makes sense.

Every supposed flaw of Fists of Steel could be turned into a positive. For example, the movie is very repetitive - it seems there wasn't a lot of plot to be developed in between the fight/action scenes, so a lot of dialogue is repeated multiple times - but that can be very funny. The idea that the Carlos Diaz character has metal hands isn't really played up to the fullest - usually that just means that an extra-loud noise is heard whenever he punches anybody. That's pretty much the extent of it. But it all works out in the end because no one ever said all of this is supposed to be on a completely even keel.

With that in mind, there are two twists towards the end of the film (don't worry, no spoilers here). Let's just say that one is completely unsurprising, and the other one is truly a surprise. As if a movie of this sort even needed a twist, here they give you two. Or, really, in our eyes, one. But Palomino facing off against at least two guys who exclusively play baddie roles - Silva and Tessier - it's all worth it right there.

Director Jerry Schafer worked with Francis Ford Coppola on one of his first projects, Tonight For Sure (1962), and then a scant 19 years later directed Female Mud Wrestling Championships (1981), a documentary about female mud wrestling championships. This project featured both Carlos Palomino (as a referee) and Marianne Marks (as an interviewer), which led into his final directorial project, Fists of Steel. What a career.

Featuring the memorable songs "Eyes of the Stranger" by Nicci Sill, and "Left With the Right" by Robert Terry, Fists of Steel is a worthwhile and fun watch, if you can find it.

The Game (1988)

There's plenty to enjoy with The Game.

[7/10 · 14 March 2024]

When a cabal of ultra-wealthy baddies convene in a secret location to play THE GAME, what that really means is that they each have teams of killers who go out and hunt specially-chosen "derelicts". What this cabal didn't count on, however, is the toughness of Kane (Alan), a badass of mighty proportions. Kane's father, a government agent going by the name of Mr. Schekel (Campanella), infiltrates The Game in order to exfiltrate his son. So while Kane, and fellow prey Luna (McCullough) and Stubby (Swalve) are fighting for their lives in the field of combat, Schekel is back at the base, having to contend with Col. Podak (Elliott), the Game Master, and the other evil Game-players. Who will win THE GAME?

Not to be confused with the Michael Douglas film of the same name, or any other movies out there called The Game, THIS The Game takes the "hunted for sport by a cabal" sub-sub-sub-subgenre typified by the likes of Death Chase (1988), Fugitive X: Innocent Target (1996), and later entries such as The Tournament (2009) and The Condemned (2007), and puts a nice 1988 spin on it. Add that to the fact that there are both ninjas n' Nazis (NNN), and The Price Is Right-style game show models involved - who are named Sherry and Dawn, by the by - played by Casadei and Gava, respectively, and a tone of wackiness ensues. Oh, and the ninjas have machine guns.

While there is a surprising amount of setup before the mayhem ensues, the fact that The Game was directed by Cole McKay, the longtime stuntman we all know and love, ensures that stunts, shooting, blow-ups, swordfights, exploding helicopters (no matter the source of which), and other action-oriented material is soon to follow. While not an AIP film, it has a definite AIP feel, akin to the likes of Invasion Force (1990) or Mankillers (1987), the latter of which also featured Craig Alan.

While we love "assemble a team" sequences in movies, here we have "assemble the derelicts" where we see how The Game people pick their, to quote the aforementioned Fugitive X, "Innocent Targets". Why someone would pay ten million dollars just to have commandos shoot at them must show just how evil these people are.

Finished off by the classic 80's electric guitar-based soundtrack and some un-PC dialogue, there's plenty to enjoy with The Game.

H-Bomb (1976)

It features a killer end-credits song that seemingly is aiming to put the viewer in mind of the James Bond themes of the day.

[6/10 · 7 March 2024]

From the back of the Cinema Group Home Video VHS box: "When a power-mad Cambodian General and the Bangkok underworld team up to steal an American nuclear missile, the action never stops! Exploding bombs, spectacular shows of martial arts and death defying chases make this an adventure film to remember. Chris Mitchum and Olivia Hussey star in H-BOMB - a martial arts extravaganza that crosses political borders. With "No-holds barred" action, the film whirls through a tale of suspense and intrigue that'll leave you gasping for breath!"

And, perhaps less flatteringly, this from the Golden Movie Retriever: "Mitchum stars as a CIA agent who is sent to Bangkok to retrieve two stolen nuclear warheads from a terrorist. It just so happens that his ex-girlfriend's father is the terrorist he must contend with in this stupid movie."

While we definitely would NOT describe this movie as "stupid", we clearly needed help when it came to figuring out what the plot actually was. But, really, what exists of the plot is secondary to the super-70's vibe: gigantic cars, wah-wah funk on the soundtrack, shirts with big collars and louder patterns, bellbottoms and long hair are clearly the order of the day. The technology on display features a proto-Skype video phone and some video chess.

Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that we, as the audience, get to hear Mitchum's or Hussey's actual voices; it's all dubbed in that typical obnoxious style of that time where it sounds like there was one male voice talking to himself, loudly, and same with the female voice (s). On the action front, P. Chalong rarely skimps - you get motorcycle and car chases/stunts, shooting, blow-ups, an exploding helicopter, and the general "Third World" disregard for health and safety that came with enacting these stunts.

Another added bonus we get with the films of P. Chalong and Arizal, among others, is that there is a good amount of local color and scenery that is enjoyable to behold. We have to wonder what Olivia Hussey thought of all this - the love story between her character and Mitchum's isn't exactly Romeo and Juliet. None of what we see makes a huge amount of sense, but that's not exactly a problem. Movies today are very homogenous, and H-Bomb and its ilk are an antidote to that. For that reason, the audience today for films such as this may be small, but if you're reading this, that means we are among the people out there looking for something different. And H-Bomb is certainly different.

It features a killer end-credits song that seemingly is aiming to put the viewer in mind of the James Bond themes of the day. Was this P. Chalong's answer to Bond? Only you can decide, but H-Bomb is definitely worth a watch - especially for fans that don't mind if their action movies feature a healthy amount of nonsensicality and are made on a shoestring in a far-away land. And isn't that all of us, really?

Crime Lords (1991 Video)

Most, if not all, of the cliches that you would expect to see in this sort of material are indeed present and accounted for. That's not a bad thing.

[6/10 · 29 February 2024]

L. A. Cops Elmo Lagrange (Crawford) and Peter Russo (Hewitt) are partners, but also an Odd Couple of sorts. Lagrange is a crabby curmudgeon and perhaps not the best physical specimen on the force. Russo is young, hip, idealistic, and happenin' - his stylish mullet tells that tale. On the trail of some CRIME LORDS, the two men fly to Hong Kong. So now they're an Odd Couple, Cops On the Edge and now Fish out of Water. Getting mixed up with Ling (Hong) and Jennifer Monahan (Byun) lead them to the ultimate confrontation. But will they survive their Hong Kong escapade?

At the time of this writing, there are almost 1,300 reviews on this site. So perhaps it makes sense that then, and only then, would we be getting to Wayne Crawford. We have that luxury now, in 2024, but video store patrons in the early 90's would likely not have rented 1,300 movies before they got to Crawford. Consequently, it seems, not a heck of a lot of people discovered the charms (?) of Wayne Crawford.

Crawford looks like a cross between Sam Waterston and Leo Rossi. He claims to have a "spare tire", and is unshaven and cynical. His Comeuppance-relevant credits include White Ghost (1988) and L. A. P. D.: To Protect and to Serve (2001). His partner in 'Crime is Martin Hewitt, known for his run of Erotic thrillers in the 90's. There is a scene, presumably played for laughs, where he and Crawford get into a fight while wearing only their underwear. Perhaps this served as a good training ground for what he did later on.

Buddy cop movies were all the rage at the time, and Lethal Weapon (1987), Red Heat (1988), and Action Jackson (1988) ruled the video stores of the day. This seems to be the inspiration for Crime Lords. Throw in a WYC, Captain John Strauss (Le Plat), some silly dialogue, wacky situations, but also some fish-out-of-water cop action in Hong Kong, and there you have it. Most, if not all, of the cliches that you would expect to see in this sort of material are indeed present and accounted for. That's not a bad thing.

The main drawback to Crime Lords is its pacing issues, which are very noticeable throughout. But it was nice to see those old one-color computers with their dot matrix printers, and other nostalgic items on display. Plus there was a scene with a flicked cigarette that showed some cinematic ingenuity on Crawford's part (he also directed the film).

Clearly the Elmo Lagrange character was near and dear to his heart, because he returned in American Cop (1995). In the end, however, Crime Lords isn't exactly must-see viewing, but it's entertaining enough for what it is. If you've seen every other buddy cop movie ever made and are looking for another one, there's always Crime Lords.

Fire in the Night (1985)

Fire In the Night is low-budget, independent filmmaking, warts and all. And there's a lot to appreciate about that.

[5/10 · 22 February 2024]

Terry Collins (Casillas) is a small-town girl who works at the local diner. Her problem is that professional jerk Mike Swanson (St. Esprit) is constantly harassing her. The Swanson family "owns the town" and Mike does what he pleases without consequences - until Terry finally decides she's had enough.

The two make a bet, that Terry can throw Mike into the water at the waterfront. If she wins, the tyranny of the Swanson family may finally end. God help us all if Mike wins the contest. He arrogantly doesn't take Terry all that seriously. Naturally, the first thing the Collins family does is go to the International School of Folk Dance. They try to enlist the help of Manolo Calba (Zano) for Terry's training. Of course, he initially says no but eventually agrees. The stage is now set for the ultimate showdown: Terry vs. Mike. Who will get thrown in the water? That just may be the most important question you've ever asked yourself...

Fire In The Night has been described as "a low-budget Karate Kid", and that's not too terribly far off the mark. Perhaps the filmmakers thought they would confuse viewers (and avoid lawsuits) if the trainer was of Philippine origin and the student was a woman. In any case, the film is filled with rough-hewn charm. It's very 1985, and Casillas's line readings are wonderfully flat and carry a lot of the entertainment value here.

Burt Ward is here for a few brief minutes. He appears to be the head of some sort of Karate academy, but wouldn't his best advice be to use Shark Spray on the baddies? We liked that Terry's parents want her to get her revenge and are fully a part of her going to get trained to potentially kill someone. You don't usually see that level of parental consent. Patrick St. Esprit comes close to stealing the show as Mike, the guy who is a total jerkass 100% of the time, all the time. We hate to keep using the word "jerk" to describe him, but really Mike Swanson is the picture-perfect, dictionary definition of what a jerk can, should, and, dare we say, must be. St. Esprit does it well, anyway.

Okay, those are all the positives. In the negative column, there is a definite slowness to the movie, especially around the midway point where there is a dance recital (there's a surprising amount of "folk dancing" in Fire in the Night). It's then that an already slow film almost just stops in its tracks. Director John Steven Soet, who had previously directed a rare film called Skirmish (1981), and has directed nothing since FITN, evidently had some experience and cred in the Martial Arts community, which is a bit surprising considering how little forward drive, intensity, or energy FITN actually contains.

However, though, the charms of Fire In the Night do outweigh its faults (in this case, the charms ARE the faults, or perhaps the faults are the charms). It's best to see this if you're in an especially charitable mood. If you are, the overall stiffness, and things such as blows not coming anywhere near their target, people that look like they are in their 40's playing characters that are supposed to be in their 20's, boom-mike shadows, and the like, will seem delightful rather than amateurish.

Fire In the Night is low-budget, independent filmmaking, warts and all. And there's a lot to appreciate about that.

Challenge (I) (1974)

In the end, your appreciation for Challenge will all depend on how much you love, and are willing to forgive the shortcomings of, regional cinema.

[4/10 · 15 February 2024]

John Frank "Frank" Challenge (Owensby) is a man from North Carolina who is running for the state Senate. You'd think with a name like that, he couldn't possibly lose. When Challenge comes across some paperwork that puts in writing the evil deeds of the local Dixie Mafia, led by one W. F. Gutherie (Hicks), the baddies decide Challenge is challenging their existence a bit too much, so - without any spoilers - they do some bad stuff that makes Frank Challenge mad. You do not want to make Frank Challenge mad. So, naturally, he makes it his mission in life to take down Gutherie and the other baddies that ruined his life. Will he succeed, or will the CHALLENGE be too great?

Earl Owensby was an independent movie producer from Shelby, North Carolina. He had his own studio and production facilities there, and he produced movies in an array of genres, though perhaps he is best known for his horror output such as Wolfman (1979), A Day of Judgment (1981), and Dogs of Hell (1983), among others. Challenge was his first producing effort, and he also stars.

It all begins with a personal note from Owensby, informing us of his intentions to make a PG-rated action film devoid of sex, nudity, bad language, and excessive violence. But we watched the movie anyway. In all seriousness, this may have been based on his religious convictions (although he never explicitly says so) and we appreciate the effort. And that's what Challenge, and other regional productions are all about - effort.

Challenge comfortably fits into the "Country-Fried Justice" films of the 70's and 80's, and is perfect for the drive-ins of the day. There are countless examples, but one of our favorites is Black Oak Conspiracy (1977). But back to Challenge, it all begins with a well-shot intro that sets the scene perfectly. Later, J. F. Challenge is described as a "ruggedly handsome ex-Marine". Some things never change - the hero is always an ex-something. And speaking of things that never change, the guy that sells out Challenge to "The Syndicate" is a little weasel from the media.

While Challenge overall has a nice, rough-hewn charm, it does fall prey to some of the, well, challenges of low-budget independent filmmaking. Many scenes are underlit or the sound is so muffled you can't understand what anyone is saying. There are significant pacing issues, like a lot of 70's movies. For example, there is an unbelievably long car chase, but, to be fair, that was the order of the day after Bullitt (1968) and The French Connection (1971). Owensby and the gang were just going for their own version, but, much as we hate to say it, there are many times when the film drags. And not as in racing.

But there is the other side of the coin when it comes to the strong 70's vibe - there are Karate classes, beat-em-ups, gigantic cars, and 70's styles and hair galore. So that's all good, and perhaps some of the guys doing roundhouse kicks had never done roundhouse kicks before? It was nice to enter a world where middle-aged men's idea of Martial Arts training was sitting around drinking Lone Star beer while wearing plaid, flared pants.

Shot in and around Shelby and Asheville, North Carolina, Challenge represents low-budget, independent filmmaking in the wake of Billy Jack (1971) and Walking Tall (1973). It has a lot of charm, but flaws are evident as well, and, unfortunately, those cannot be swept under the rug. It did come out on VHS in an explosive, irresistible big box, and it features an end credits song, "The Ballad of Challenge", by Tommy Faile, which namechecks characters and plot points in the song. We do love when that happens.

In the end, your appreciation for Challenge will all depend on how much you love, and are willing to forgive the shortcomings of, regional cinema.

Full Contact (1993)

In the end, Full Contact is better than you might think.

[6/10 · 8 February 2024]

Luke Powers (Trimble) is a self-described "farm boy" who journeys to the dark underbelly of L. A. to get to the truth about his murdered brother. It turns out that Luke's bro was heavily involved in "Alley Fights" (what we call Punchfighting). To achieve his goal, he links up with Pep (Aurelius), a fight trainer/alcoholic/Art of War quote enthusiast. Romance blooms with dancer Tori (Buick, whose only other feature film role is the same year's Angelfist). Will Luke be able to summon all of his POWERS to beat the baddies and find out what really happened to his sibling? And who is REALLY behind all this alley-fighing stuff? Make FULL CONTACT with your remote control and find out today...

Not to be confused with the prior year's Full Contact starring Chow Yun-Fat and Simon Yam, THIS Full Contact is a moment in time for fan favorite Jerry Trimble to shine. It all opens with textbook Punchfighting as enthusiastic fans scream, yell, and clutch cash in their hands as they enjoy said punching in an abandoned warehouse.

The whole thing has a very Corman feel, as he's done this plot numerous times before, i.e. Bloodfist, Dragon Fire, Bloodfist 2050, etc. There's also at least one scene in a strip club, which was a Corman trademark/obsession around this time period. Happily, we can report that Full Contact is one of the better run-throughs of this plotline. There's plenty of sax and synth on the soundtrack, there's ridiculously stupid dialogue (in a good way), wacky situations, and punching, punching, punching. Characters, mainly Trimble, jumpkick their opponents in slow motion as they just stand there waiting to be kicked in the head. Somehow, against all odds, this all gels in the world of Full Contact.

Trimble is great as he resembles a melange of Emilio Estevez, Sean Penn, and Kirk Douglas. Tori's initial dance routine is gold, and when she meets Luke Powers, both of them are clad head-to-toe in denim and they have long blonde hair. It's clearly a match made in 1993 heaven.

It starts to run out of steam when the tournament fighting begins about two-thirds of the way through, but we do give Full Contact full credit because they actually bothered to include a twist towards the end, which a lot of similar films never bothered to do. There's also the time-honored barfight. Plus, there's an utterly ridiculous stick fight near a dumpster, and Powers's main training goal is to outrun a city bus with a wacky bus driver.

Director Rick Jacobson, no stranger to this sort of material, also worked as a fight coordinator on the film, and has a cameo as "Bar Heckler". Early appearances from Michael Jai White and Reginald VelJohnson round things out nicely. VelJohnson plays "Fighter #2", so if you've ever wanted to see Carl Winslow engaging in illegal alley fights, now's your chance.

The end titles song is "Sometimes You've Got To Fight", credited to no performer. The singer has an odd, quavering voice. Charles Philip Moore is one of the writers, who has a writer/director pedigree in the action field.

In the end, Full Contact is better than you might think. It's not intelligent, but it's entertaining. And that's the important thing.

Shadow Fury (2001)

If you find the VHS tape at Goodwill, as we did, it's certainly worth a purchase for a dollar or two. But probably not more than that.

[5/10 · 1 February 2024]

When Dolly the Sheep was cloned in July of 1996, it was a very inspirational time for us all. Now everyone on earth knew we were open to a world of sheep-cloning possibilities. It was only a matter of time until we got cloned ninjas. Clearly, "clone fever" is what inspired Dr. Oh (Morita) to create Takeru (Funaki), a nigh-on unkillable super-ninja with amazing fighting and murdering capabilities. After cloning is banned, Dr. Oh sics Takeru on his former associates Dr. Forster (Kamp), Dr. Markov (Vahanian), and Dr. Hiller (Kolman), in some sort of act of revenge. So Nova Corp, the original clonemakers (which should be their slogan) hires a bounty hunter named Mitchell Madsen (Bottoms) to stop Takeru. Because Madsen has a failing liver, he thinks he can kill two ninjas with one stone and take Takeru's after he smites him down.

In order to achieve his goal, Madsen goes to see Sam (The Hammer), a sort of Machine Gun Joe character. Meanwhile, Nova Corp is developing a sort of super-teen with Martial Arts abilities named Kismet (the original tot is played by Taylor Lautner, but he grows up fast and two other people - including MMA man Bas Rutten - take on the role as well). As if all that wasn't enough, your classic Hooker With a Heart of Gold named Sasha (Grae) somehow manages to fall in love with the emotionless Takeru. But can Takeru learn to...love? And will friends become enemies and enemies become friends? Who has the ultimate SHADOW FURY?

While it opens with a bang, and the idea of cloned ninjas is a fairly cool one, we suspect that this is the type of production that really, really hoped it would become a cult movie but never did. As we've seen countless times before, you cannot intentionally manufacture a cult movie. It just has to happen on its own. That aside, Shadow Fury seems to fall into the category of the Scanner Cop series, the Cyborg Cop series, Steel and Lace (1991), The Demolitionist (1995), or even perhaps I Come In Peace (1990). We're not even going to mention the similarities to The Terminator (1984). It's all served up with a strong Japanese twist, thanks to director Makoto Yokoyama, who worked a lot with stunts, including with the Power Rangers. That style just may come across here in the wackier side of the unrealistic, wire-type fighting.

Pat Morita's hair in the film is almost worth the price of admission alone. Maybe it was inspired by Anime characters, but who can really say? It's as over the top as some of the fight scenes. Alexandra Kamp looks a lot like Sarah Palin, at least in her role here as Dr. Forster. Fan favorite Fred Williamson doesn't do a lot. It's a glorified cameo, but we were still happy to see him. The character of Madsen (characters named Madsen and Forster? Could the writers have been deliberately referencing Tarantino-associated actors here?) was ably done by Bottoms. It seems they were going for a They Live-era Piper vibe with this character. What with the other references on show, that's probably the case.

There really are some cool ideas here, and the silliness, action and silly action will carry you relatively easily to the 90-minute mark. But something still feels missing that would make it a more satisfying viewing experience. It's hard to say what that is, exactly, but by 2001, DTV was in the doldrums. Perhaps it's that, plus the references to other things, and synthetic fight scenes - in place of a more substantial heart and soul - that would cause viewers not to totally warm to Shadow Fury.

All that being said, if you find the VHS tape at Goodwill, as we did, it's certainly worth a purchase for a dollar or two. But probably not more than that.

Jekyll Island (1998)

Let's face the fact that this is was just some Blockbuster shelf-filler.

[4/10 · 25 January 2024]

Alex Madison (Mogavero) is a college professor whose class seems to be "Criminal Studies". In other words, he teaches his impressionable young charges all about robbery, burglary, and how to get away with either one. No one seems to mind, or notice, that this is what he is teaching. In any case, Mr. Madison knows of what he speaks, as he is some sort of master jewel thief by night.

So, naturally, Madison goes to Jekyll Island, Georgia (which is a real place, in case anyone out there didn't know) to steal some jewels. Things get complicated when a politician, Lawton Goodyear (James) and his daughter Savanah (Burnette) get entangled with Madison's thieving ways. Madison ends up hiding out in a house with Savanah, and Goodyear sends his security guy, Dalton Bradford (McGill), to find out what's going on. In the midst of all this, a detective named Ronnie Fredericks (Hughes) is hot on Madison's trail, and Carlton Johnson (Morris) is antagonizing Madison. Now that the whole island is locked down, will Alex live to teach criminal behavior to marginally-interested 90's teens ever again? Will he escape with the jewels - AND HIS LIFE? You probably will never have to find out!

(Shaking head) Oh, Mogavero, Mogavero, Mogavero. What hath you wrought this time? As if Pressure Point (1997) was not enough, along comes Jekyll Island. You get the odd impression while watching it that HE thought that this was some pretty snazzy stuff. This is at odds with the fact that there's not much here that would appeal to most video renters. The plot is dull and uninvolving, the writing stale, the camerawork and lighting pedestrian, and the pacing nonexistent.

At least Moges (as we call him) had the good sense to surround himself with some quality actors this time around. Sure, Pressure Point had Steve Railsback and Larry Linville - we're always down for some Linville - but he upped his game with this follow-up, getting Brion James, Everett McGill, Finola Hughes, and Phil Morris, whose name might not be known, but he's been in tons of stuff and is best known as Jackie Chiles from Seinfeld. As this was 1998, he was hot off that role, although here he's more Mario Van Peebles or Fred Williamson-esque. In any case, the downside for old Moges with getting all this starpower was that it made his performance seem even more stilted, oddly and unnecessarily quiet, and awkward than it already was.

The City Heat VHS puts Mogavero's face front and center on the box. We know not why. Was Mogavero ever famous enough to warrant that? Were City Heat trying to position him as some kind of badass? I mean, yeah, he KIND of looks like Robert Englund, but that's not really enough.

To be fair, we are treated with some 1998 internet, and there is one cool (and highly ridiculous, in a good way) scene towards the end. Unfortunately, this is not enough to justify the other 90 minutes. If we really reach, we could say that Alex Madison goes to Jekyll Island as an expression of his dual self - i.e., college professor by day, jewel thief by night - much like a certain JEKYLL and Hyde duality. But we're not even sure this was done on purpose. That being said, in the cast list during the end credits, a yacht gets its own credit amongst the other actors. That's right, "Yacht - The Milly B" is seen along with the other thespians. This may be the first time an inanimate object gets CREDIT. Hey, some of the actors were wooden but this is ridiculous!

In the end, there's no legitimate reason why anyone would expend effort to see Jekyll Island. If there were some odd circumstance where this movie fell into your lap, and you wanted to see a Brion James performance you haven't seen yet (and one worthwhile scene late in the film), MAYBE you could justify it. But if we're all being honest with ourselves, as painful as that can be sometimes, we should probably face the fact that this is was just some Blockbuster shelf-filler.

Extraction (II) (2015)

Extraction (2013) or Extraction (2020) - just showing the lack of creativity on display here - this particular Extraction gets off to a fine start, but ultimately disappoints.

[5/10 · 18 January 2024]

CIA agent Leonard Turner (Willis) is "The Best", so naturally his son Harry (Lutz) wants to follow in his footsteps. Unfortunately for him, his boss Robertson (Sweeney), keeps turning him down for that darn promotion he's seeking. While working in Prague, Harry receives word that his father, and a sensitive and dangerous piece of technology known as CONDOR have both disappeared. Seeing his chance not just to rescue his beloved dad, but to prove his worth with The Agency, Harry goes rogue and heads to Newark, New Jersey, where the action is. While there, he teams up with co-worker/old flame Victoria Phair (Carano). Will dad and/or CONDOR be saved? Will certain secrets be revealed? And will someone or something receive some sort of EXTRACTION?

Extraction starts off promisingly enough, with a genuinely cool opening credits sequence that's worthy of any Bond film. The synthy score behind it by Ryan Dodson just amps up the excitement, and you think, "Hey, this may be a modern-day DTV outing, but maybe the quality is high enough so that it would have gone to the theater if it came out 15 years ago", or some such thing.

Unfortunately, it's not long after that when we see how Extraction hits some serious pitfalls and then can't get out of its own way. Our initial hopes were dashed, and we began to sink lower in our seats, when we saw that this is yet another one of those "Dark" movies, where much-needed lights were not turned on. Strike one. Then we, as the audience, have to suffer through some really annoying characters such as Sitterson (Coulter) (If you don't watch this with the subtitles, it sounds like everyone calls him "Citizen"). Evidently his dialogue was supposed to be "Cool & Edgy", but it just comes off as juvenile and dumb. (There's yet more misheard dialogue later as people talk about something called the Patriarch Key, which naturally sounds like "The Patriarchy" when people say it. Seems like the writers should have thought of that. It turns something that's already silly into something even sillier). Then we have Victoria's friend Kris (Hull), whose "airhead" character grates on your nerves. Strike Two.

From there on out, it's just unimaginative cliche after unimaginative cliche as barfights, training sequences, tired CIA blah-blah, escape scenes and even fight scenes go exactly the route you think they're going to, with zero suspense or surprises. Strike three.

How things could have been improved: Stop with the quick-cut-style fight scenes and let Gina Carano do what she does best. Let her fight scenes play out with more lighting and less cuts. Get rid of the annoying characters and dialogue, and turn on some damn lights. Come up with some relatively novel places for the plot to go, and, if time allows, embrace the idea of character development.

As far as the Brucester is concerned, it's clear his heart wasn't in this one (and who can blame him; although he was probably paid a pretty penny, so he should at least attempt to do his job and act like he cares), and evidently all his scenes were shot in one day. Director Steven C. Miller worked again with Bruce the next year for Marauders (2016), a better film and an improvement over Extraction. If you must see one Miller/Willis team-up, see Marauders.

Not to be confused with Extraction (2013) or Extraction (2020) - just showing the lack of creativity on display here - this particular Extraction gets off to a fine start, but ultimately disappoints. The cast deserves better, especially fan favorite Carano, who was not properly unleashed. On the up side, it's a mere 79 minutes before the ending credits. But, then again, it feels longer.

The Man from Nowhere (1989)

It just may be one of the best El Presidente's we've seen to date.

[6/10 · 11 January 2024]

An on-screen title card informs us that we're "Somewhere In Latin America". At a high-powered meeting of government officials, they all vow to work together to stop the worldwide spread of drugs. All seems to be going well, until a masked band of baddies storms into the place and shoots everyone in sight. But they didn't count on one thing...Peter Caine (Coleman). After finding out that he's "The best operator the CIA has" - and that his code name is Stalker - Caine proceeds to find out who was responsible for the massacre, and get revenge, Peter Caine-style. But not before he's nursed back to health after the massacre by a kindly old incomprehensible fisherman, and has what are presumably a handful of Vietnam flashbacks along the way. Here for the ride are Sam Nicholson (Kove) and Marty Rogers (Hopkins), but who is the ultimate bad guy at the top? Could it be, in true Simpsons fashion, Mendoza (Banha)? And who exactly is the PRESIDENT'S TARGET in all this?

If we've established anything by doing this website over lo these many years, it's these two truths: that 1989 was a high water mark year for movies on VHS appearing on video store shelves, and that El Presidente titles (well, they're not always slogs) are chief among them. If you happened to enjoy such films as One Man Out (1989), Merchants of War (1989), Overthrow (1987), SAS San Salvador (1982), Hour of the Assassin (1987), or To Die Standing (1991), to name but a few, you will likely also enjoy President's Target. It just may be your favorite of the bunch, because it features two things those films don't: a 79-minute running time, and John Coleman.

Coleman himself is a National Treasure, and should have been in WAY more action movies. Depending on what light he's in, the rock-faced Coleman may resemble Ted Danson, Erik Estrada, Lou Ferrigno, or perhaps Ben Affleck or George Clooney. His face is nothing if not a prism that may take on many shades, colors, and moods. He's essentially a human combination of two 70's fads: the mood ring and the pet rock. Certainly he could be described as a lovable meathead, and the icing on the cake is his Ryan O'Neal-esque acting style. What's not to love about the guy?

But, perhaps fearing that the manliness of Coleman wouldn't be enough to carry the full 79 minutes, Coleman is backed up by genre stalwarts Bo Hopkins and Martin Kove. It was nice that they were here. The presence of both guys is always appreciated. Hopkins actually utters the words "El Presidente", so they must have known what they were doing. Director Yvan Chiffre, who may or may not be the Bond villain from Casino Royale, had an impressive career as an actor under his belt, but he did direct three movies. This is one of them. Thankfully, it stars John Coleman.

The vibe of President's Target is certainly a bit "off", which was hugely welcome. El Presidente's can get awfully dull and sloggy because most of the time, they're pretty standard fare. This time around, the weirder vibe, shorter running time, and power-trio of stars work mightily in the movie's favor.

Despite the South American setting, President's Target was filmed in Setubal, Portugal and features some nice locations. It's one of those (as of today) VHS-only wonders that only a trawl through the video store of life can sometimes bring forth. It just may be one of the best El Presidente's we've seen to date.

The Pacific Connection (1974)

It may be a bit slow, but it's still worth checking out.

[6/10 · 4 January 2024]

Set during the historical past of the Philippines, Stick Fighter (AKA The Pacific Connection) tells the tale of the wicked Spanish conquistadors, who naturally included Dean Stockwell and a Samurai. Yes, Alejandro Rey is The Governor (that's all he's credited as) of the Philippines, and he hires a man named Mori (Hiroshi Tanaka) to teach Martial Arts to his two sons Miguel (Stockwell) and Allan (Roland). Unfortunately for them, Allan and Miguel pick on the wrong guy when they mess with a local man named Ben. After extorting and then assaulting his family, Ben gets fed up and does what any normal guy would do in such a situation: he breaks out his Arnis sticks and proceeds to practice the art of Eskrima on the baddies. It may take a while to get there, but will we eventually find out who the ultimate STICK FIGHTER is?

Not to be confused with the Kely McClung classic from 1994, this Stick Fighter from 20 years earlier is also called The Pacific Connection, because in the 70's, there was a Connection from pretty much every country on earth. France and Italy top the list, but there were many others. What the supposed "connection" here is supposed to be is left for the viewers to figure out.

Nevertheless, Stick Fighter is the type of film you might find playing on a Spanish channel at 4 a.m. It's a well-shot historical drama with some action scenes thrown into it. It's not bad for what it is, but we think most viewers will find it to be slow going, especially by today's high-powered standards. The approach here is old-fashioned and harks back to the filmmaking styles of at least one generation before this. Here we have swashbuckling, sword fighting, and, yes, stick fighting during the Kung Fu craze of the 70's. At least it was offering something different, but the editing is wonky and there are major pacing issues.

This was the sixth and final film for director Luis Nepomuceno, and the only one to receive a U. S. VHS release. The tape came out in 1989 on the Prism label, in the small box. It erroneously states that the film is 102 minutes, but the real running time is somewhere in the 80's. While it was the end of Nepomuceno's career, it was the debut for Roland Dantes. He would go on to make another stickfighting movie, Sticks of Death (1986), and then other actioners such as Live By the Fist (1993), Angelfist (1993), Under the Gun (1995), Tigershark (1987), and Delta Force 2: The Columbian Connection (1990). That's right, another Connection for ya.

Besides Dantes, and the prerequisite appearance by Vic Diaz, one of the highlights of Stick Fighter is Dean Stockwell as, of all people, Miguel. His accent is priceless. It stands out among a lot of the incomprehensible dialogue on show here. Of course, there's a training sequence involving Ben, and people who like Philippines-set action films will get a fairly early example of one with Stick Fighter. Sure, it may be rated PG, but this was during the 70's, when that really didn't mean anything. Today it probably wouldn't be, or at least it would be considered a "Hard PG".

After the credits, we get a James Bond-style promise that the Ben character will return in a sequel called "Sultan Ben". As far as we can tell, this project never came to fruition. But, nevertheless, with Stick Fighter we get a slice of 70's drive-in fare that is redolent of the time it was made in. It may be a bit slow, but it's still worth checking out.

Jaguar Lives! (1979)

Quite Entertaining!

[7/10 · 27 December 2023]

Jonathan Cross (Lewis) is The Jaguar. He's an international man of action who globe-trots all over the place to stop the baddies using his Karate-fighting ways. When Anna Thompson (Bach) sends him on his latest mission, Cross leaves Sensei (Strode) (That's all he's credited as), and travels to the following places: New York, Hong Kong, Madrid, Rome, and Macao. He also goes to El Habbab, Santa Fortuna, and Belmonte, which may be made up locations. Along the way, he encounters characters such as General Villanova (Pleasence), Zina Vanacore (Capucine), Ralph Richards (Huston), and, of course, the main baddie, Adam Caine (Lee). Most of the above have goons, and Jonathan Cross beats them up. But will he finally falter in the fatal face-off at the finale?

In 1979, Karate and Kung Fu were red hot. Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris, and also James Bond ruled the action universe. So it was only a matter of time until a film like Jaguar Lives! (Can't forget that exclamation point) made it to your local drive-in in '79. Joe Lewis has the emotionless deadpanity of Chuck Norris, the rough-and-tumble ways of a young Gary Busey, and the facial features and hair of Michael Dudikoff. We as the audience basically like him, but not because of any real effort on his part. At least he's not annoying like Sloane (1985). He doesn't have enough of a personality for that, which we mean in the nicest possible way, of course. He's a Martial Artist, and that's that. He acquits himself well in the action scenes, which are quite entertaining.

The whole thing has a Kill Or Be Killed/Kill And Kill Again vibe, with a few dashes of Mr. Deathman (1977) or a 70's telefilm thrown in for good measure. Sure, it's rated PG, but the filmmakers probably hoped to distract us with its dizzying array of location changes and cavalcade of star-power. When it all kicks off, we're just kind of thrown into the middle of the plot, or so it seems. Then there's a gas station fight that's reminiscent of The Instructor (1981). A bunch of yay-hoos inexplicably throw a bunch of Native American-based racial slurs at Woody Strode. Why they do this to Sensei, of all people, remains unknown.

Then we get some James Bond connections with Bach, Pleasence, Lee, and Joseph Wiseman. Pleasence is one of those "El Presidente"-style South American generals. The great John Huston plays a wheelchair-bound dude for not a lot of reason that we can glean, but so what? He was here. Same for fan favorite Christopher Lee. Hey, if he can be in wacky comedies starring opposite Eddie Deezen - such as Desperate Moves (1980) - then surely he can be here for this. Simon Andreu and Capucine round out the very impressive cast. Then Joe Lewis kicks some goons off some motorcycles. It's not bad. There's much worse stuff out there.

Yes, surprisingly, Jaguar Lives! Seems to have gotten a lot of negative reviews out there, but don't listen to them. It's solid, it delivers the action, the star-studded cast, and a variety of colorful locations. That's more than many movies of this sort can boast. If you saw that awesome poster, or that killer VHS box art, wouldn't you want to rent it? We say give Jaguar Lives! Your time.

Blood Ransom (1988)

In the end, despite a handful of bright spots, Captive Rage will probably only appeal to die-hards of this sort of thing

[5/10 · 21 December 2023]

In the small South American town of Parador, the maniacal General Belmondo (Reed) rules the roost. When his son is arrested for dealing cocaine, Belmondo decides the best course of action is to kidnap a bunch of young women and hold them captive until his son is released from prison. What he - and his sidekick Chiga (Udy) - didn't count on was the resourcefulness, know-how, and, well CAPTIVE RAGE of Lucy Delacorte (Rinna). She and some of her female compatriots break out of their captivity and go on the run in the jungle. While Lucy's father Eduard (Vaughn) is trying to figure out what's going on, Lucy and her friends are busy shooting their way out of the situation. Will Lucy and the gang triumph over Belmondo and Chiga?

In much the same vein as Mankillers (1987), Toy Soldiers (1984), or perhaps Sweet Justice (1993) or Hired to Kill (1990), Captive Rage is another in a series of films made in the 80's and early 90's that featured women getting kidnapped and then fighting back. The Grenada incident was still fresh news in the public's mind back then, and, in true exploitation tradition, a spate of movies sought to capitalize on that.

While largely lackluster, Captive Rage has a couple of things going for it: Oliver Reed, who did this the same year as the similarly-titled Rage to Kill (1988 of course), is here in a similar role. He has a beard, sunglasses, and speaks in a ridiculous French (?) accent. Surely it was a nice paid vacation to go to South Africa and spend time with a bunch of ladies, including fan favorite Claudia Udy. Lisa Rinna also stands out as the leader of the girls. She was almost unrecognizable without those puffed-up lips she later became known for. Of course, Robert Vaughn is here, as he usually was around this time. His role is small. His hair is questionable.

Director Cedric Sundstrom, who action fans may know because of American Ninja 3 (1989), American Ninja 4 (1990), and Comeuppance Classic The Revenger (also 1990), delivers a mostly-mediocre movie that makes you wait for the majority of the blow-ups and guard-tower falls. There is gun-shooting throughout, though. But there are plenty of slow moments as well. On the whole, Captive Rage could have been tightened up, including having a shorter running time.

Of course, we don't mean to say it's all bad news of course. There is a classic Drug Deal Gone Wrong in a warehouse, a geologist that looks a lot like Christopher McDonald, and the highly politically-incorrect plot point that the girls have to continually shoot and kill the native population of the Paradorian jungle.

While Captive Rage remains video store shelf-filler, non-U. S. residents will want to take note of the fact that the film, under the alternate titles of Blood Ransom and Fair Trade are both cut. While we agree the movie should have been trimmed down for a leaner running time, they shouldn't have gotten rid of the sleaze. That's one of the only things Captive Rage has going for it.

In the end, despite a handful of bright spots, Captive Rage will probably only appeal to die-hards of this sort of thing.

Cold Heat (1989)

Has a peculiar and baffling overall tone, but do check out Cold Heat

[6/10 · 14 December 2023]

R. C. Mallon (JPL) and his ex-wife Jackie (Ekland) are in the middle of the mother of all custody battles, if you'll excuse the expression. The fighting over their young son Kenny (Corbitt) has set in motion a chain of events that spiral into fairly outlandish proportions. Mr. Mallon hires a 1940's-style gangster named Mikey Musconi (Sacchi) to kidnap Kenny. His uncanny resemblance to a certain classic Hollywood actor notwithstanding, the former Mrs. Mallon also hires some outside help - the much more likable Mace Dawson (Summersett). Dawson is an alcoholic stunt driver of some sort. Inadvertently, Dawson also nabs Mallon employee Nancy (Watkins), and Kenny grows to like them far more than his embittered parents. Of course, all this is just window dressing so extended car/plane/motorbike chases and blow-ups may occur. Will the COLD relationship between the Mallons produce some real HEAT on the streets of Las Vegas? Dare we all find out?

Famed director Ulli Lommel is no stranger to action, having also been behind Overkill (1987) and The Big Sweat (1991). Here he combines those titles with Kramer Vs. Kramer (1979), if you can believe it. The whole thing, as you might expect, is odd and off-kilter. That's the best aspect of Cold Heat, by the way. The fact that there's some footage from The Junkman (1982) kind of sewn in there for good measure only helps with the unusual ambience.

Of course, there's a very long and drawn out chase, as Lommel did in The Big Sweat. But other possible touchstones to get across the overall feel of the film could be Hollywood Cop (1987) or Beverly Hills Brats (1989). The whole thing is inexplicably narrated by Sacchi's character. Thankfully, the score by Corneil Rivett is nicely synthy and the 'AIP film from 1989' vibe is reinforced, much to the audience's delight.

Amidst all the familial in-fighting and seemingly random blow-up footage, a new star has come out to shine. One of the police officers in the extended chase sequence is named Captain Bonk. That's right, Bonk. And he was played by a National Treasure named Zeph Hymel - if that's his real name. Shamefully, this is his one credited role. He gives an Academy Award-ready performance as Bonk. We wanted more Bonk. Sadly, we didn't get more Bonk. He should have teamed up with John Miller and they could have chewed some scenery to shreds. That would have been amazing, but he does work with a fellow officer named McBean (the actor is uncredited). The fact that Bonk & McBean did not spin off into a TV show in 1989 is a crying shame. But, as always, we should be thankful for what we've got.

In the end, if you like car chases and blow-ups (and who doesn't?) but combined with the oddness of John Philip Law, Britt Ekland, and Robert Sacchi all together, combined with Bonk & McBean, and a peculiar and baffling overall tone, do check out Cold Heat. It may not be for everyone, but we suspect it may be for you.

Commando Squad (1987)

Plenty of 80's charm

[6/10 · 7 December 2023]

Kat Withers (Shower) is an L. A. narcotics agent who cleans up the trash on the streets and asks questions later. Her boss, Milo (Quarry) informs her that a "renegade federal agent" named Morgan Denny (Smith) and his sidekicks Iggy (Haig) and Cowboy (Hagen) have not only moved their drug operation south of the border to Mexico, but that they've also kidnapped Withers's boyfriend Clint Jensen (Thompson). Never fearing a fight, Withers goes in search of her beloved Clint. Along the way, she faces many obstacles and challenges - but will Kat and Clint stop the baddies and their drug running? Is Kat Withers a one-woman COMMANDO SQUAD?

Fred Olen Ray is certainly no stranger to the action genre, having directed Armed Response (1986) and Operation Cobra (1997), among others. While Commando Squad boasts a strong first half, Ray seems to have lost interest around the halfway mark. Still, 'Squad has plenty to offer the 80's action film fan. For one thing, the cast of B-Movie favorites is incredibly strong. It's almost literally an all-star cast as Shower, Quarry, Smith, Hagen, Haig and Thompson are backed with Mel Welles, Russ Tamblyn, Ray regular Dawn Wildsmith, and Tane McClure and Michelle Bauer in small roles.

Perhaps the most inspired casting choice was Golden Age actress Marie Windsor as the Machine Gun Joe character, Casey. Not only that, she uses her employment at Hollywood Book & Poster as her cover! A poster for the John Savage film Soldier's Revenge (1986) is clearly seen in this scene, as are other notable background posters. Also, instead of a sign that says either Open or Closed, theirs says We Be Here or We Be Gone. Maybe locals to the area can tell us if that's their real sign.

Despite the slowdown of the second half, this is still a great role for Kathy Shower. Finally, we get to see her shooting many people and really getting in on the action. To show that she's undercover and serious, she wears a black-haired wig that gets her resembling Pat Benatar more than you might think. Interestingly, on the American VHS box cover we see Shower's blonde hair. On foreign issues, she had the short black hair. It must be a cultural thing.

From the outset, we're taken in by the sleazy backdrop, the sax and wailing guitar on the soundtrack, Shower's attitude and her shooting of baddies, and of course the fact that this is "One Last Job" for her, a cliche we always love. There's also a coke deal gone wrong, naturally enough. After they're ensconced in Mexico, we do get some action and blow-ups, including an exploding helicopter. We also get some classic Prerequisite Torture of the hero, in this case Brian Thompson. We're happy he was playing a good guy, similar to his role in Hired to Kill (1990). Sid Haig wears a Miami Vice-style white suit (remember this was 1987), and William Smith's voice is its normal, gravelly self.

A movie highlight occurs when we see that Kat Withers has what they call a Vengeance Knife. Apparently, this is a knife with an acid-filled blade. That could be the title for a film on its own.

While, overall, the whole of Commando Squad should have taken place on the streets, as it did in the first half, and things become a bit soft after that, there still is plenty of 80's charm and other noteworthy aspects that make it worth checking out.

Snow Kill (1990 TV Movie)

You'll be mildly - very mildly - entertained.

[4/10 · 30 November 2023]

Forced to go on one of those annoying "corporate retreats" by their boss, Reid (Cypher), a small group of young professionals - who include Myles (Travolta), Lauren (D'Arbanville), and Dennis (Rohner) - head out to the snowy Cascades in Utah. While they all innocently think they're going to do some snow stuff and then go home, they get a rude awakening when a gang of baddies come upon them. The leader is Murdoch (Dukes), and his partners in crime are Loomis (Richmond) and Kolt (Arenberg). Murdoch just wants to get his backpack full of cocaine and head back into civilization. But the presence of the heroic Clayton Thorpe (Knox) puts a crimp in their evil plans. Soon, it's a battle of the corporate raiders versus the actual raiders. Who will come out alive - and who will be a victim of a SNOW KILL?

In the grand (?) tradition of White Fury (1989) and Icebreaker (2000) comes Snow Kill - the TV Movie version of the snowbound action/survival movie. With elements of like-minded efforts like Fear (1988) and Damned River (1989), this doesn't offer much of anything different, except for a few silly moments. But the silliness is few and far between, and it's not terribly interesting or exciting either. It doesn't go far enough in any one direction. Consequently, it's not all that memorable.

Because there are only traces of silly, and the pace is slack, the audience is left wanting more. If Snow Kill had been 80 minutes and had excitement and energy, we could be looking at a minor classic. Unfortunately, that was too much to ask for this middle-of-the-road effort.

If you tell anyone you're going to watch Snow Kill with David Dukes, make sure you avoid any confusion and really impress upon them the fact that it's Dukes with an S. His performance as the mustachioed baddie is one of the better aspects of the film. Terence Knox is certainly wooden here as the savior in white (remember again that it's David DUKES as the baddie). This is no Tripwire (1989), that's for sure.

The boss, Reid, looks a lot like Lloyd Bridges, and the whole thing is like Extreme Ops (2002), but featuring an older demographic. Joey Travolta is his classic wacky self, and he had already appeared in a film with similar subject matter (but done much better), Hunter's Blood (1986). He must like getting out in the wilderness.

One of the rare movie highlights appears when our group of protagonists first gets out of the office and out in the snow. They're all wearing snowsuits of one color (i.e. D'Arbanville has a pink one, the others have green, red, and blue ones, etc.) it's like Power Rangers. But without the power. Or the ranging.

Director Thomas J. Wright has worked almost exclusively in TV throughout his career, which might explain why his name is not that well known to the general moviegoing populace. One of his few forays into cinematic territory is the all-time classic No Holds Barred (1989). Hey, if you're going to make one theatrical film, make it a good one. If only more of the vibe of No Holds Barred could have been present in Snow Kill, made only the following year. Oh well.

You won't exactly be on the edge of the seat of your ski gondola, but perhaps Snow Kill might be a one-time watch for TV Movie enthusiasts or those looking for something just silly enough to be mildly - very mildly - entertained.

Beyond the Law (2019)

Features no intrigue, plot twists, or anything whatsoever that would hook the viewer and keep them watching.

[3/10 · 23 November 2023]

Frank Wilson (Messner) is an ex-cop on the edge who has been accused of being dirty. When his son Chance (Rushing) is killed by some baddies, Frank emerges from hiding to track down the men responsible. Frank's tearing up of the town in his quest for answers immediately arouses the interest of Detective Ray Munce (DMX), and a shadowy underworld figure named Augustino "Finn" Adair (Seagal). But how do Swilley (Cobbs) and Charlotte (Sharbino) fit into all this? And who will be BEYOND THE LAW?

The filmmakers behind Beyond the Law really should have known that there is already a film called Beyond the Law. Namely, Beyond the Law (1993), starring Charlie Sheen. Don't people working in DTV talk to each other? But really it's even more telling than that, as it's indicative of an overall lack of creativity. There's nothing in 2019's Beyond the Law that you haven't seen before, and done much better besides. There's no character development, so you don't become invested in their plight or the plot, such as it is. Rather than come up with a fresh take on a standard storyline, or feature interesting characters that you care about, Beyond the Law 2019 just falls back on lazy plotting, trite and childish dialogue, and utterly boring by-the-numbers run-throughs of cliched material.

Yet another modern-day DTV pitfall this falls victim to is the inexplicable phenomenon of low/no lighting. Many scenes are underlit and we as the viewers simply can't see what's going on. This works especially poorly in Seagal's favor, as he tends to wear flowy black shirts. Occasionally he sports sunglasses, there's his classic Eddie Munster hair, and he's quite tan this time around. Sometimes people stand in front of an all-black background. Basically you can't see him.

For about the last 20 years or so of Seagal's career, his movies have centered around seedy nightclubs or strip clubs. There are almost too many to mention. This one is no exception. Why DTV filmmakers continually think this is something viewers need to see is beyond me. Probably it's for the same reason they load up the dialogue with those naughty and ever-so-edgy "swear words" - in other words, the aforementioned laziness and lack of creativity. But Seagal does get to sport his classic Cajun accent. So, there's that. Also he doesn't fight anybody. So, there's that too.

Which brings us to perhaps the greatest sin of all for Beyond the Law 2019: this is what we call a Lacktion movie. The audience is ready for action when they watch something featuring Seagal and Johnny Messner. Seagal even re-teams with DMX after Exit Wounds (2001). But this is no Exit Wounds. Not by a long shot. It doesn't live up to the solid cast.

Probably the person who comes out best in all this is Bill Cobbs. We used to say that he looked like Bill Cosby and even has a similar name. Well, now he's his own man. Somehow he doesn't resemble Cosby anymore and he's by far the best actor on show here. DMX and Messner both have gravelly voices that are fun to listen to, but DMX seems to have lost a step. He was probably in some sort of psychological turmoil after having to wear pink clothing in Joe Arpaio's jail.

In the end, Beyond the Law 2019 is self-serious and features no intrigue, plot twists, or anything whatsoever that would hook the viewer and keep them watching. It suffers in every area or department a movie can suffer. It is a weak entry in the canon of all involved and should be avoided.

Hard As Nails (2001 Video)

Hard as Nails? More like Dumb as Dirt.

[2/10 · 16 November 2023]

Centered primarily around an L. A. strip club, Hard as Nails tells the tale of Vlad (Craig), a morbidly obese Russian gangster, who is involved in some sort of turf war with a Japanese gang. While Takura (Westmore) is attempting to assert himself as a new gang leader, young lovers Alexi (Scotti) and Deb (McComas) are caught in the middle. Adding to this brew is plainclothes cop Tony (Timmons) and his relationship to a prostitute named Margo (Farentino). Of course, a pair of ruthless assassins named Tic and Tac (Jason and Pollino, respectively) are beating up and/or slaughtering people left and right. What the heck is going on - and who amongst this bunch is truly HARD AS NAILS?

Copies of Hard as Nails should come with a warning: "You are now about to enter a brain cell-free zone". Or something to that effect. Somehow managing to be both low rent and bargain basement, it's rather obvious that this Corman production did not spend a single penny it did not need to. Not that that's a problem in its own right, but the junky factor mixed with the stupid factor adds up to an overwhelmingly dumb experience you'll feel stupider for having watched. However, it's only 75 minutes. But it does feel longer.

Director Brian Katkin, who did Enemy Action (1999) for Corman, attempted to do John Woo with zero budget. The Martial Artists Tic and Tac, featured on the front of the VHS box, are meant to recall The Matrix with their sunglasses and trenchcoats, but you could probably call that misleading. We give credit to the Martial Artists here, who probably worked hard to make the fight scenes what they were, under the trying circumstances. The film is more in line with other Corman action/stripping movies such as Bloodfist 2050 (2005), Mortal Challenge (1997), and Future Kick (1991), among others. It's also like an even cheaper version of King of Fighters (2010) (complete with a similar Himbo), or Equal Impact (1995), but without the majesty of Joe and Jay Gates. Now that's a problem.

It seems like all the nudity and stripping scenes were employed to distract viewers in an attempt to paper over all the many, many flaws. While we love Lorissa McComas, and she tries gamely in the face of all this muck, even she can't save it. As in a lot of DTV films of this type, many actors are involved that look like other people. Someone looks like Mario Lopez here, someone resembles Daniel Bernhardt there, and there may be a Michael J. Pollard type hanging around. In a better film, John Rhys-Davies would have played Vlad. But, then again, if it was a better movie, it wouldn't be Hard as Nails.

See, the thing is that we as viewers can't just settle for any old thing. Just putting a movie out there to put it out there, under the bare minimum of conditions, usually doesn't yield the best results. We should demand more than this. Seeing as how Hard as Nails opens with someone being punched repeatedly in the face, we can't help but see that as a metaphor for what you'll experience if you watch it.

Hard as Nails? More like Dumb as Dirt.

Sudden Death (1977)

A terrific cast of familiar faces, funktastic music and 70's style to spare

[7/10 · 9 November 2023]

Somewhere in the Philippines, a cabal of evil businessmen intends to plunder the local sugar population. Bands of local mercenaries are fighting back, and when "good businessman" Ed Neilson's (Metcalfe) family is slaughtered, he turns to his buddy Duke Smith (Conrad), an ex-Special Ops CIA agent, to find out who committed the atrocity. Smith then calls friend/associate Wyatt Spain (Perry) and they link up with local contact Buffalo Tinker (Ventura). Yes, Buffalo Tinker is involved. The three men then proceed to blast around the Philippines busting heads and attempting to get answers. But our heroes face fierce resistance in the forms of John Shaw (Ashley) and his goon Dominic Aldo (Stroud). Who will come out alive, and who will face...SUDDEN DEATH?

Not to be confused with Sudden Death (1985) or Sudden Death (1995), this, the first of the Sudden Deaths (it seems that about every decade or so a movie comes out called Sudden Death), is well worth seeking out. If you're a fan of 70's drive-in style actioners, complete with large-collared, loud-patterned shirts, gigantic cars, and un-PC dialogue, this is a fine exemplar of that. Underlining the 70's vibe is the pacing and even the downbeat ending, which is the sort of thing that era specialized in and that you don't see today.

On a more uplifting note, quite literally, is the fantastic score by the great Johnny Pate. His opening song is tremendous and his music is uniformly fine throughout. Two of his other scores include Shaft in Africa and the little-seen Brother on the Run AKA Black Force 2 (both 1973). Whenever we see his name pop up in the credits, it's a rare treat. As of this writing, there is no CD or vinyl release for the Sudden Death score, but that needs to happen.

It was fantastic to see Robert Conrad in the role of head badass. Freed from the constraints of television, he can swear and beat up baddies with the best of 'em. He and Felton Perry make a winning team. We thought Perry was very likable here and he gets a lot of great lines. Who better than them to unravel the corporate intrigue and get into some barfights and warehouse fights along the way? While both men are charismatic, only Robert Conrad is man enough to wear tight pink shorts and a necklace and still come off as 100% man.

The legendary John Ashley is very cool here, and his voice is a joy to listen to. He'd be perfect for a 70's radio DJ: it's easy to hear him saying such things as "And now, next up in the hit parade, The Doobie Brothers with China Grove..." or some such thing. No wonder he was chosen to do the opening narration for The A-Team. In fact, there is a certain A-Team vibe going on here, but, rather than be sanitized for TV, it's melded into the Philippine action style we all know and love, with additional hints of The Retrievers (1982) or The G. I. Executioner (1971) (though rest assured it's far better than the latter).

A terrific cast of familiar faces, funktastic music and 70's style to spare - and it all wraps up in a scant 82 minutes! There's a lot to love with Sudden Death. Released on VHS on the classic Media label, this is a recommended film and in dire need of a restored.

Undeclared War (1990)

You'll be very entertained by Undeclared War

[7/10 · 1 November 2023]

An evil man named Hannibal (Wells) and his sidekick Rebecca Eche (Hussey) are the leaders of the so-called "World Liberation Army", which is just a front for a terrorist organization. Leaving a trail of death in destruction in their wake, they travel from Poland to Hong Kong and attempt to set up shop there. But local cops Inspector Bong (Lee) and Inspector L. T. Tang (Wong) are trying to stop them - as is American CIA-Agent-With-An-Attitude Gary Redner (Liapis). Despite the typical inter-agency and inter-country squabbles, the men band together to stop Hannibal and Rebecca. Adding to their stress are the interventions of the US Ambassador (Hedison) and newswoman Ann Chang (Kwan). Will our unlikely heroes put an end to the UNDECLARED WAR?

1-2-3-4, I UNdeclare a thumb war! Or, at least Ringo Lam does in this intrigue-actioner with a truly international cast. Finally, we get to see the Australian Vernon G. Wells team up with the Argentinian-born but British Olivia Hussey causing mayhem in Poland with a Chinese director! Only during the video store era could you get a country-spanning mashup like that. Wells's nefarious baddie role of Hannibal is said to be a "master of disguise", and it is true he can put on a gray-haired wig and look like Leslie Nielsen at the drop of a hat. Truly a must-have for any aspiring terrorist.

All that being said, fans of Hong Kong action and the style of Ringo Lam will find plenty to feast on with Undeclared War. It has all his classic directorial trademarks, and the shooting, fighting, and stuntwork can't be beat. Whenever anyone gets shot, they're enveloped in a thick red mist, as if they had a pack of Crayola crayons in their pocket (only the red ones, of course - for some reason), and the bullet slammed right into it.

Peter Liapis as Redner was a real revelation here. Apparently, we had last seen him in Ghost Warrior (1984), but he must not have made much of an impression. Well, he more than makes up for that here, as he gets all the best lines in the film and adds a lot of energy to not just his own role but to the movie overall.

David Hedison, a mainstay of TV throughout his career and throughout all of our lives is also present and accounted for here, and only the year before he had appeared in Licence to Kill (1989). Going from James Bond to Ringo Lam in one easy step. What a life.

In America, Undeclared War came out on VHS on the Imperial label. Unfortunately, the transfer is not the best, with blurry/washed out colors and muddy audio. The guitar and sax on the soundtrack don't come across as clear as they should. Thankfully, some of the dialogue is subtitled but there is an array of thick accents throughout the film. Not a bad thing, of course, but, to date the VHS is the only way to see Undeclared War in this country. A cleaned-up digital release is badly needed and would surely raise its standing in the eyes of viewers.

Really the only flaw here is that it's 104 minutes and doesn't really need to be. Other than that, Undeclared War is more of an Unseen War because it remains a hidden gem, at least in the U. S. Here's hoping a company like MVD will give it a Blu-ray treatment sometime soon. In the meantime, if you can find it, we think you'll be very entertained by Undeclared War.