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Anal Agenda

Not really like Mission Impossible but still good.
Myself and my Father decided to rent out a new film for our Dirty Film Friday sessions unfortunately Mission Impossible wasn't available at the X-Rated video shop so we thought this would be a great compromise.

The film starts off in the city of California and our lead actress Brandy Aniston is seen talking on the phone to a mysterious man... Brandy seems to want this man to come over and fix her boiler which is sort of a strange opening for a spy film, but we'll roll with it for now.

The plumber (Played by Oscar nominated actor, stunt man and 4th man on the moon Bill Bailey) eventually arrives and drops fixes the boiler, though she said that she has no money to pay him which I find utterly ridiculous, it's as if she doesn't understand how a capitalist society works. Luckily she figures out that if she lets him put his dirty vein plunger in her pipes then it'll cover the cost.

The scenes were very well lit and the acting was superb however, when Bill pulls the vein plunger out of Brandy's pipe a bit of brown sweetcorn falls on the floor which made me feel very ill because I was eating corn on a cob with Nutella dip at the time.

Bill leaves and it turns out that he did a pretty good job fixing the boiler but he forgot to clean it! (Typical!) so she had to call over Barry Scott (Seriously that's the actors name look at the list) to come over with some Cillit Bang. Unfortunately as is typical of attractive blonde women, she thought that she wouldn't have to pay her way and would get the service for free, but our main man Barry Scott ain't no sucka.

Barry Scott makes a deal that if he can give her some... "Cillit Bang" without the il then it's job a good'un. What unfolds is some of the most passionate love making that I have ever witnessed in cinema history. 50 Shades of Gray doesn't even come close to this masterpiece, as the pair are having beautiful intercourse to the gentle silhouette of "Photograph" by the best band in the world Nickelback you really feel the intense emotion on your hot tip.

My rating - 7/10 - Absolutely beautiful and majestic, I also like that Barry Scott is a straight up playa, I aspire to be like him.

My Dads rating - 7/10 - My son kept throwing up after the sweetcorn scene which ruined both my immersion and my white rug, though it was a great film!

Ass Eaters Unanimous 21

Not quite Man v. Food, but it was great..
Myself and my Father were fans of Man v. Food so decided to go to the X-Rated video store to see if we could purchase Season 1 on DVD however this was all that they had available at the time, we decided it had been a while since we did a Dirty Film Friday so we got the DVD, some baby lotion (I've recently had dry skin on my back) and some snacks and headed home.

We start up the DVD waiting to see some epic food eating challenges but are confronted by what I can only call the dark abyss and as the quote goes "If you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you" - Friedrich Nietzsche. I felt the Abyss staring into my soul, it brought on a very uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach especially because I could see some of last nights sweetcorn on the walls of the abyss.

The film was ridiculously eerie but the first food challenge was about to take place, me and my Father were extremely anxious to see what this young man was about to consume, he began by eating the sweetcorn off the corner of the abyss and then proceeded to french kiss her mystical fart box. It was incredibly brave, I can safely confirm that Adam Richman never took on a challenge this great.

At this stage I was beginning to feel quite sick and light headed myself as I was eating my dessert, a chocolate mousse without a spoon (They all needed washing and we're lazy men) I lost the will to go through his experience and ended up throwing up all over my favourite Pink Panther PJ bottoms. The sick looked like a skat fetishists wet dream however I was absolutely disgusted by this.

Soon I found that I would indeed be needing that baby oil and some tissues too, the sick had gone through the fabric of my PJ's and onto my legs, I used the baby oil to smooth off the vomit and the tissues to remove the stains from my legs.

The film had a very touching moment that I wasn't quite expecting from a food eating challenge video, Bobbi Starr made a speech that hit home with incredible power I will ad-lib the speech here for you now "Life, is a lot like eating the fecal matter of another human being, a lot like tonguing the dark abyss and a lot like drinking from the brown challis, if you are submissive you end up on your knees with a bad taste in your mouth so to all of those watching, take charge of the one life you are given and be brave." I was in tears after this speech as it really hit home for me, at that moment I decided that I was done with being a 29 year old virgin who watches porn films with my Dad...

This film inspired me to go out there and change my life for the better, now I am a successful cleaner who watches porn alone, on the job rather than with my Father, the courage to pursue this never would've happened if I didn't watch this eating challenge that faithful day.

Bobbi Starr, I love you and thank you so much for your positive message, now that you have changed my life I can overlook the sweetcorn and stare lovingly into your abyss alone at work.

My rating 8/10 - Change my life, the way I look at life... I deduct 2 points simply because you ruined my favourite Pink Panther Pajama bottoms.

My Dads Rating - 10/10 - My Son has stopped watching awkward films with me now, actually has a job and has only been caught looking at porn during work hours 8 times... This changed not just his life but mine, I also admire the bravery of Bobbi Starr for not caring what people think of her unwashed backside.

All in all, we could recommend this to anyone and everyone.

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

It's been a while, crocodile.
This film in my opinion has been one of the better films that I've witnessed in a while.

The plot was excellent and compelling as we follow the protagonist who is... er, well that's not exactly clear but we follow people and it's cool.

I really enjoyed the CGI effects and thought that they were top notch, Star Wars Episode VII has a lot to contend with when it's finally released. The crocodiles looked so real that I genuinely was scared that they would appear out of the television screen into my living room!

The 2 romance plots were really great as well and I felt like they were truly believable, I ended up almost shedding a tear towards the end because the young woman Chloe gave the gentleman the best gift a man can ask for (I won't spoil this).

I'd say that it's one of the best films released not just during the 2010's but also of all time. It's plot is extremely intricate and deep and the CGI effects are astonishing.

In my view this is a much watch I'd give it a solid 9/10 I only avoid giving it 10/10 because the eyebrows of one of the actresses freaked me out.

Slayin' Asians

Not quite Apocalypse Now, but not bad.
My Father and I were really excited because my older brother came back to visit us from his 3 year stint living in Portugal. We know his favourite film is Apocalypse Now so we decided to treat him and began our journey to the X-Rated video store. The X-Rated video store unfortunately didn't have Apocalypse Now but once I saw the title of this film I was convinced that it would have the same premise.

The film begins by panning into Jason Brown, I would describe his character as a mysterious rogue, not unlike Han Solo (Harrison Ford) from Star Wars, actually he had a very uncanny resemblance. This left me curious as to where exactly Chewbacca was? Ava Akira comes over to his barracks and after a brief conversation she decides to seductively take off her clothing ready to service the brave warrior. It was about this time that I discovered where Chewbacca was as Ava had a vagina that resembled a Wookie who for some reason forgot to remove his dental floss? At this point I find that the dialogue starts to take a U-Turn, Ava was an admirable actress in her last film but she just didn't seem as into the role as before. I was quite disappointed also that Jason didn't have any dog tags on and was the kind of guy who was responsible enough to use a condom... He's supposed to be a careless rogue, using a condom doesn't fit that characteristic.

D. Snoop, a charming young gentleman eventually interrupts them when he knocks on the door to borrow some cream (Why you'd want to borrow cream at 12 at night is beyond me) apparently he got his cream which is all well and good but didn't make me feel great as I was eating a Müller light at the time because I'm on a diet. My Father told me that no girl wants to date a man who can't see his own penis when he urinates, thanks Dad, but I can see it if I look in the mirror..

Finally the moment of truth, Pizza delivery guy finally knocked on our door, I wasn't allowed pepperoni because of the recent diet so had to pick off the pepperoni and put Cabbage, Marmite and Salad cream on top. This wasn't very good though because a large amount of the scene had cream that looked similar to the Salad Cream that I had on my face (I'm a messy eater) it made my Brother and Father poke fun at me and call me a "Fluffer" which I still don't understand because I'm not even hairy in the slightest because I shave my legs.

So this is finally it, Commanding Officer makes an appearance and says "C'mon soldiers... time to lock and load our guns... For MERICUHH!" this is the part where I felt like things would get heavy, They were bravely marching into a battlefield in unison, my heart was pounding, unfortunately the film couldn't get the licensing to the American National anthem so had to play "All out of love" by Air Supply. It didn't really work and reminded me of my Ex-lover so much that it made me cry... Well, she wasn't a lover as such, she was a girl that I went to college with who once tripped and accidentally put her hand on my crotch, in 26 years of existence it's the closest I've ever came to loving a woman and I've kept the stained underwear to prove it.

Anyway, they eventually get to the battle... Most of their fellow soldiers are gone and there are just 3 scantily clad Asian women. Will we finally see this final battle?

Commanding Officer screams "Lock and load boys." and makes an Epic speech which was very powerful however none of the women can speak English due to them being natives... Commanding Officer Sean bravely states "I don't care if this is your country, you will learn to speak American!" this was a very powerful scene to me because I've always wanted to learn how to understand and speak American.

Unfortunately this ending didn't end with any gunfire at all... Well, it sort of did. Unfortunately they just ended up having sexual intercourse and then the war was over as the historically accurate news report echoed loudly from the Television in the burned out electronics store "That's it guys, America have won, we can go home!". It was a very abrupt ending but I of course admired how historically accurate they made the film.

My Rating - 5/10 - We were all extremely disappointed that there weren't more combat scenes as this film for some reason seemed to focus more on dialogue and of course sexual intercourse which bothered me quite a lot... It could be because I've never had sexual intercourse with anyone other than Mai Hand but even so, I thought this films plot was broken. Also I've been put off seating salad cream for life so will probably remain unable to see my penis when I urinate.

My Fathers Rating - 6/10 - I feel that the sex scenes were excellent and it gave me an opportunity to pick on my son which I always like. I feel like dialogue wise this film is a lot like my Youngest Son in the sense that it's mixed up and unnecessary.

My Older Brothers Rating - 2/10 - I have a really weird family and something has er... come up that's really important and it kinda means that I have to suddenly go back to Portugal tomorrow and sadly for some reason I'll never be able to come back and see my Family again... Or introduce them to my girlfriend... In fact I'm deleting them both from my Facebook page now because they've tagged me in a picture in front of the television set with a sex scene in the background.

Lick My Pussy Dry

Very artistic, however the acting fell flat for me.
Myself and my Father aren't usually huge fans of the more artsy films however we decided to maybe broaden our horizons and give this a fair chance.

We're dealing with quite the artsy film as is suggested in the title seeing as how it's purpously ironic and contradictive as surely if you licked something it was make it more wet in texture? So we fire up the film and the first thing that I note is the lack of a pretentious French person in a turtle neck which to my knowledge all artsy films have. Either way it starts off with some really shoddy acting as if they are making up the dialogue on the set, I couldn't relate to Asa Akira (the main character) as while the dialogue was great the performance was as stiff as my Father at one of his late night couple gatherings.

It seemed like some very intense artistic merit and sensibilities were involved in this film which is often hinted to through dialogue for example one of the actresses says "I want to suck your jugs" which was obviously hinting at the jug seen in the distant backdrop, the significance of this jug? I have no idea still, as with all art films it's filled with hidden narratives.

I spoke with my Father after the film and decided that due to the lack of ANY Male actors at all it's symbolising a future civilization where Males are no longer around and women live happily together enjoying being the last of civilization itself as no one left on Earth is able to breed, fix anything or drive.

Personally I feel like this film didn't quite live up to my expectations but I am usually used to watching films with easier to follow story lines, I can't help but comment on the fact that during random intervals the females get quite sexual which can take away from the story line, though my Father didn't seem to mind too much.

One of the interesting things to note is that with no guys around the girls had to find very inventive ways to please each other, for example one of them was using a vibrating back massager that was the same as the copious ones that my Sister has hidden under her mattress to stimulate the male Genitalia, though my penis has only ever vibrated when going over speed bumps or that one time I went to Alton Towers and soiled myself on the Oblivion ride.

To sum it up: Don't go into this expecting to fully understand what is going on upon a first viewing and what ever you do, DO NOT expect there to be top notch acting... The script is very well written and hints to the subtle artsy hidden narratives to help you along the way, but it feels like it just drags on too much. I will give bonus points to the women though who managed to survive in a world without men it amazed me that in a world with no one to open doors for them or do the DIY they manage to survive more than the 2 hour run time of this Film.

My rating: 3/10 - Acting isn't very good and I still don't fully understand all of the hidden narratives or the significance of that mystical jug.

My Dads rating: 3/10 - I'm not very much into the artsy style of this film and my Son kept on eating Doritos which was extremely distracting as they were very crunchy. I still don't know what I hate more my Son, my ex-wife or my life in general... I wish he'd stop inviting me over to watch porn with him.

My rebut: If my Father wasn't this hostile and negative then maybe my Mum wouldn't have left him. Yeah, I went there.

Wolverine XXX: An Axel Braun Parody

Not a fan of the Spiderman, but this was pretty cool.
My Father is a huge fan of comic books, his favorite being the 'Play Boy' comic books that he for some reasons hides under his mattress so for our Dirty Film Friday this seemed like the ideal choice.

The film begins with some great action music composed by Gareth Gates, although I think that the CD skips in the film as he often repeats himself in short bursts (Unprofessional to leave tape skipping music in a film in my opinion). Anyways, it's the dark onset where we're introduced to Wolverine one of the members of the 'Sex-Men'.

He meets a nice looking young woman named Rogue, who seems to be quite upset about something (I think it must be that time of the month hehe) while this started out to be something quite exciting he obviously didn't think too much about the er... fist limitations, a delightful romance scene quickly turned into something that should've been in Jaws, because I'm a hemophobe I just started violently puking everywhere much to the amusement of my Father turning our living room into something similar to the set of 2 girls 1 cup.

Spiderman later comes into the fray and shoots his creamy wrist load into Wolverines mouth, I found this to be quite unpleasant as it reminded me of when this guy I met on Holiday did something similar to me because I didn't have enough money to pay for the plane ticket home.

I've got to say that the music puts a huge dampener on what's going on, as I said the stuttering tracks and random stops made it very hard to get immersed, but the acting wasn't that bad. Allie Haze who plays Rogue was very convincing and had extremely good acting skills, the only thing that I would say against her is that she her vaginal area had a similar appearance to my old pet hamster which unfortunately passed away last year, this caused me quite a large amount of distress and tears flooded back. (R.I.P. Little Perry the Hamster)

The excitement and drama that occurred towards the end of the film when it was discovered that Lady Deathstrike (played by Maya Hills) was quite intense, I was eating Marmite and sweet corn sandwiches at the time and unfortunately Spiderman unleashed excrement on Lady Deathstrikes chest which put me off what I was eating as they looked very similar in appearance.

All in all? Okay acting, although some of the actors weren't so great and weren't very convincing. The music score wasn't bad, but next time please make sure that the tape doesn't jam... The storyline was quite easy to follow although the sudden change from a charming romance film to a gore horror film was EXTREMELY unsettling although the ending was quite sad, I highly recommend watching this film with a box of Kleenex by hand!

My Rating - 5/10 - The mood changed too drastically, it never really seemed to stick to script.

My Fathers Rating - 5/10 It was a good film, but I much prefer the adventures of Play Boy.

Lex Poles Little Holes

Great film, nothing to do with golfing though.
May I start out by saying that this seemed like a no brainer, the perfect solution to me and my Fathers often conflicting tastes. You see, my Father used to be a fire fighter back in the day before my Mum left him and he had his breakdown and me? Well, I am a really huge fan of golfing especially Tiger Woods, while I don't necessarily agree with his relationship ethics I can appreciate that three holes are better than a hole in one.

Spicy Nacho dip and Doritos filled up and we're ready to go...

The Film starts up with a wide angle camera that pans slowly into a room of a strip club, Motley Crues 'Girls, Girls, Girls!' playing in the backdrop. I am wondering at this point exactly when the golfing will take place, but I'm extremely patient.

The woman was grinding up and down the pole which my Father very much enjoyed but I couldn't help but pay attention to the ambient noises of what sounded like somebody slapping a wet fish.

Later on we're greeted by the male character 'Lexington Steele' who made me feel extremely small, what with him being around 6'4 at least. Lexington was a very charming and caring man, just like my Father was before my Mum cheated on him with multiple partners.

At this point I felt the need to go to the toilet, I paused the film and in a desperate frantic pace I ran to the toilet, everything seemed normal until I pulled back my skin and began to realise that I hadn't washed the spicy nacho cheese dip off my fingers. Seems kinda irrelevant right? No, because it means that I was immersed, so immersed that I forgot to wash the spice off my fingers, so immersed that I for a moment didn't care about my genitals... So immersed that I screamed like a little girl out of that bathroom and into my Fathers arms for comfort.

Anyway, a good half hours cry and a copious amount of Sudocrem later... Perhaps finally some golf? Allie Haze says "You have a hole to fill" and the excitement ramps up, however NO golfing at all actually took place she just had really good sex. Well, at least I think that it was good, I've never been with a woman before and I'm not sure if she was moaning in pain or what... Coming to think of it I never saw Lex lick a bean at all and what would be the point? Baked beans are better on toast, everyone knows that.

My Father was getting really excited when the Blonde haired lady came on, I was too she was extremely pretty and had a gorgeous rack. I think that the reason why my Father was getting so excited is because she bared a striking resemblance to my Mother who moved out to LA to be with her partner Aaron (or as he likes to be called, Big Poppa) roughly 6 years ago. This made my Father quite excitable because he really misses her, she looked just like my Mum in fact, even down to the birthmark on her lower thigh, how coincidental is that?! Anyways, no golfing happens and no fire fighting to speak of, however there was a pole involved at the beginning the acting is great and while Lex made me feel insecure at first I grew to like him for his sensitive side (his left bum cheek has a spot on it that kinda looks like a love heart, aww!) Our Ratings: My Rating: 7/10 - Immersive, good acting, good soundtrack and great actors (especially you Lex, if you're reading this give me your number so we can hook up and do guy things like drink beer and watch badminton) however I did feel like the women were distracting me from Lexingtons hot abs and rock hard shaft so I'm gonna have to deduct points.

My Fathers Rating: 9/10 - I loved this film, especially the end, it got me where I needed to go, speaking of which I'm not sure how long I'll be able to give my opinion as I'm fairly sure my son is sending me to a home soon... I hate my life and my Son.

Deep Anal Drilling 3

Not quite "Working Guide to Drilling Equipment and Operations"
Since I was a child I had a dream of being a construction worker, I'm nearing the end of my college course and wanted to see what it was really like to operate a powerful drill, I asked the guy at the X-Rated video store and this was all that he had available as apparently they didn't stop "Working Guide to Drilling Equipment and Operations".

May I just start off by saying that after viewing this film I felt like I still didn't know enough to have the confidence to go on a construction site, however I'll put that aside for now and review the film for what it was.

The film started with a nice young chap talking about how he was going to drill Ava Addams which from my perspective was weird because drilling a person would surely amount to injury and a possible law suit? Anyways, this was insanely misleading as there was no drilling to speak of however he did engage in sexual intercourse with her through the back door. I enjoyed this greatly however it did bring back unpleasant memories from my time in prison for minor offenses not to blow my own horn but being the long haired, charming and sexually appealing young man that I am my bottom was turned to play dough within the first 2 hours.

I couldn't help but notice that Puma Swede was a cut above the rest, dialogue wise she delivered each note with such dramatic conviction that I was utterly convinced. She really does The Juilliard School of Drama in New York such justice you can tell that she is classically trained and it paid off! All in all it's a great film with some controversial underlying metaphors about how we're all secretly living in a 1984-esque big brother environment without realising it because our lives are basically put on social media and monitored through our telephones this was VERY thought provoking to think of and as a result of this I have started rethinking the way in which I live my life. I won't spoil the ending but it involves what appears to be L'oreal being poured onto a girls hair which was very thoughtful in my opinion as her hair did get quite greasy towards the end of the video in my view the underlying narrative for this scene was symbolic of how we as Humans need to do more to help one another when in a bind, though I have no idea why her mouth was open? I would say that this film is quite good for casual viewing, one actress is a cut above the rest and the dialogue falls flat sometimes.

My Rating - 4/10 "I give this 4/10 simply because while it was a good watch and had some good scenes and a deep narrative it left me feeling disappointment as I wasn't anywhere closer to achieving my dream of one day working on a construction site."

Nasty Anal Tryouts: POV+

Looking for a festive film for the family, this was it and more...
Ahh Christmas time, nothing quite like it, family gathered around celebration and wine everywhere it's the perfect time of year.

But when my Grandmother came over to visit for the first time in 4 years we decided to go to great lengths to find her favourite film "Nasty Canal Tryouts" a film about people trying out home made Canal boats and set a challenge to brave the deep waters. Unfortunately there was a bit of a miscommunication at the X-Rated video store and we got this instead.

Myself and my Father and my Grandmother decided to watch this film anyway since it was too late and it was a beautiful family Christmas eve. This film is crudely shot perhaps on purpose to make it seem like an indie film I noticed heavy use of what appeared to be steady-cam like the one in The Shining by Stanley Kubrick.

My Grandmother couldn't help but remark that some of the anuses in this film were as dirty as the canal water in the film that we were supposed to get anyway so I suppose that she was quite happy. I was gripped from the start it has the suspense of an action film staring Arnold Schwarzenegger but with better acting. The reason for this sense was the risk involved, because of the anal scenes none of the women took any birth control but on more than one occasion I spotted egg-nog dripping from ring to flap.

My Father really enjoyed this film and said that it reminded him of his childhood hitting ant hills with sticks and watching all of the ants fly out. It was a really lovely welcome for my Grandmother who was concerned about myself and my Father because since my Mother ran away with the local hot shot 40 year old paper boy my Father has never been the same.

It was a beautiful family moment, I can really recommend this film if not for its acting for its amazing attention to detail and wait there is indeed more...

There is a plot twist at the end that I really didn't see coming, to put you in the mood; Dimly lit room, Christmas tree and tinsel lighting and our television set being the only source of light and suspense in the air as if we were all bonding and thinking the same thing... We couldn't believe it, we just stood there in utter silence as I accidentally sat on the remote and changed the DVD to the one of me dressed as a woman masturbating into a mirror... It was really embarrassing and I'm going to have to deduct one point from the film because of that.

Ratings: My Rating: 8/10 Really enjoyed the plot twists and feel like with time Jessica Alba could become a great actress.

My Dads Rating: 8/10 - Christmas is the time of year to spend with your family, it's a shame mine is so messed up though. I knew I shouldn't have let my Son collect those Littlwoods underwear catalogues.

My Nans Rating: 4/10 - It was suspenseful sure, but it was extremely crude and it had absolutely nothing to do with Canals.

Schoolgirl Stories

The storyline was very typical of a Teen Film.
Myself and my Father decided to watch a Teen Film to reminisce about the good old days when I would sniff glue in Art Class and experiment sexually with my friends siblings behind their backs. (If my friends are reading this then I'm just kidding, but if you're a stranger it's totally true.) Originally I wanted to go with American Pie as I'd heard from a friend that it was a great film but at the local X-Rated video shop all that they had was this.

I must say this film was as disappointing as my sexual performance in and of itself, not to go too personal but I'm still a virgin as I always shoot my Activia juice early.

Anyway, the film begins in a promising way, beginning of course at a high school the women are the typical self indulgent teenagers that we've come to expect and of the school boys the typical archetype of geek, jock and hopeless romantic are all met.

The main problem that I had though was that one of the girls bared a striking resemblance to my sister, she even had the same tattoo on her lower back. The main problem was with the acting, I didn't feel like I could relate to any of the guys in this Film because the acting was as stiff and as wooden as... you get the point.

"Katie St. Ives" stuck out to me as being the best actress on set, I could feel every moan echoing through my soul and feel like if she was given a better script then she could've done wonders with the material.

Perhaps I'm being too hard, the original sound track composed by the 1990's punk-pop group "Sum 41" was quite fitting really, I mean I know that they use their songs in every Teen film ever made... In fact, that's probably how they made half their royalties because I believe their songs are about as nasty and cheesy as the end of the main actors shaft.

Honestly, you would've thought that if the main actor had agreed to do a sex scene he would've had a shower before participating but it just didn't happen, this put me off my food which unfortunately for me at the time was nacho cheese.

All in all a very disappointing film with no plot development, too many pointless sex scenes and an awful sound-track.

My rating - 2/10 - I only give it a 2 because it brought back old memories.

My Dads rating - 3/10 - I enjoyed watching this with my son, although it did remind me that I haven't seen my Daughter since she moved to L.A.

The Human Sexipede (First Sequence: A Porn Parody)

Not quite the delightful light hearted romance that I expected but still great...
Me and my Father heard of a light-hearted comedy film featuring Tim Allen called "The Human Centipede" at the recommendation of my uncle (his brother).

However when we went to our usual DVD store (Bash Til' U Splash Video Store in Essex) we couldn't find the DVD there so went with this one instead.

From the opening things were quite eerie shall we say, the birds eye camera angle that slowly panned into the scene complimented with the low contrast filter and the original soundtrack composed by the 80's band 'Heart' really set a scene for what was going to be a very scary film indeed...

My father and I nearly spat out our popcorn when Lindsay (Sunny Lane) and Jenny (Danica Dillan) started tongue kissing, I will admit that we anticipated a bit more man action... But then I suppose I have my Top Gun DVD for that... 'Playin' with the boys' volley ball scene and all that.

Dr. Heiter (Tom Byron) was amazing in this role... Me and my Father remarked not just on his top notch delivery of dialogue but also noted his rock hard abs, 11 inch penis and the very cute and appealing vein that ran down his smooth hot shaft.

The special effects weren't brilliant and at times it almost felt like they were a bit too close to each others bottoms which is kinda brave. Being a long time sufferer of IBS I'd never allow anyone to stay that close to that region just in case.

Evan Stone who played Merv was a very good classically trained actor, well at least I think so... I was too busy making me and my father some smoothies at this point to really know, but I overheard some really great dialogue.

All in all I'd say it was a great and gripping (as in gripping to the bottom area) kinda film you know? Kind of a shame that the women ruined the film and I feel like the unnecessary sex scenes ruined the storyline and made it more difficult to follow than necessary but you can't have it all... If that guy had one more vein on there I'd give it a 7 but me and my father both agreed that it's got to be a 6 because if I wanted to see a boob I would've watched a film staring Adam Sandler.

Breast Worship 3: Supernaturals

Perhaps one of the breast films of the year?
Me and my Father once again searched far and wide for a new film for our 'Dirty film Friday night' and came across this in the x rated video store.

We packed up with some snacks and drinks and eagerly rushed home. The anticipation for this film almost made me sick... and it was totally worth it.

As we loaded the fabled DVD into the player we were greeted by a woman with what my dad calls 'a huge pear' which makes no sense to me because she wasn't carrying any pears and I'm sure that I'd notice a big one.

The scenes generically shot but the acting was top notch, I must say that Ava Addams' shakespearean dialogue was said with such conviction that I was absolutely convinced. The film confused me slightly because Ava later asks for a Motor Boat, the guy says he'd give her one but at no point in the film do I see a motor boat parked outside the house. I have to assume that he purchased this motor boat for her after the credit role which is a great way to create suspense.

Unfortunately half way through the first facial I was interrupted by the door bell. The pizza guy came in and saw about 5 minutes of the bukkake scene and claimed that he enjoyed it. Before he left I asked him for hit rating and he said "10/10 she's got a massive pear" once again, alluding to the giant pear which I couldn't for the life of me see in shot, perhaps it was a hidden narrative similar to the ones in Stanley Kubrick scenes and I just didn't notice it.

In perhaps one of the biggest plot twists in 20th century cinema Ava must've ended up with constipation or something towards the end of the video (a sad moment for anyone, I've been there and have the Ex-lax packets to prove it!) because Erik decides to stick a very veiny looking flute (or recorder?) up her bottom to relieve the awful constipation. Kinda makes me wish I had someone around to do that to me, however my girlfriend left me a while ago because I was too naïve , whatever that means.

Anyway, me and my father really enjoyed this film, I watched it multiple times to try and find the hidden 'Giant Pear' but struggled to find it... Perhaps a film analyst can view over the film and point me to the hidden pear? My rating: 8/10 - Great film, very good acting although the plot had a lot to be desired and I was slightly frustrated that I couldn't find the giant pear.

My Dads rating: 9/10 - My son isn't very intelligent, but boy oh boy can he pick a good film.

Pizza guys rating: 10/10 - She's got a massive pear.

3G! Girls, Girls, Girls!

Not quite Motley Crue Live,
I must first start out by saying that I originally purchased Girls, Girls, Girls! thinking it was a Motley Crue Live DVD while it wasn't anything really to do with Motley Crue I was pleasantly surprised! My Brother has always been a huge Crue fan so when I bought this home sweet home to watch with him he could barely contain his excitement, once we popped the DVD into the player he couldn't contain it even more! The first thing I noticed about this film is that the cast are absolutely gorgeous, some could say that they're smoking in the boys room and they really kickstart my heart into overdrive. The thing is, the level of acting in this film is fairly sub-par and I hate to be a nit picker but there are some very big 'plot' holes if you know what I mean? My favourite Actress in this film was Jada Fire who as per usual looked sticky sweet, her performance was the best of the whole film my brother really enjoyed her and felt that she had a wild side.

Now, I may feel that I'm too young to fall inlove but I really felt that Katja Kassin was absolutely gorgeous and I couldn't keep my eyes off her either, she was so into every scene and really gave every last bit, at one point she was screaming so loud I could've sworn that she was going to shout at the devil.

When the beautiful vixen Jana made her appearance I'm pretty sure that my brother instantly shot himself, often times his girlfriends complain that he's too fast for love and after watching this film I can see what they mean! All in all a great film, sure it wasn't Motley Crue live, but it was still a fun and enjoyable experience for me and my brother.

My rating - 7/10 The acting wasn't great, the plot holes and some badly written dialogue made me lose immersion however the Actresses had what I can only describe as looks that kill.

My brothers rating - 7/10 I felt that the acting was okay, I didn't really follow the story very closely although I must say Jana that I'm sad to be without you.

Semen Demons 2

Suspense, horror, drama and the toe of a Lama.
I'm a huge fan of horror films, I've made that no secret in my previous reviews. When myself and my Father browsed the local x-rated store for a new video to view on our 'Dirty Film Fridays' we had the choice between this and "Breast Worship" we decided to choose this because we felt that the storyline on the back of the DVD better reflected our interests.

We sat down, popcorn in hand and some alcoholic beverages on table and started one of the best films that I have ever seen. The film started with a very ambient mise en scene and quickly began to pick up thanks to the amazing Shakespearean-esque dialogue of Katja Kassin or as my Father called her "That woman with big jugs" which coming to think of it is kind of weird because I didn't see her hold any jugs throughout the 95 minute run time of this film.

The main story revolves around a woman who is addicted to the taste of what appears to be Frubes which were one of my favourite Yogurts growing up in the 90's and everything. She gets some frube goo in her hair at one point which is sort of discerning to me as frubes tend to be quite sticky and I'd have no idea why she'd want that in her hair...

The original sound track is absolutely amazing, Prince did a really god job composing the original sound track for this film. I believe that the acting, CGI effects and soundtrack to be the absolute epitome of modern film.

My Father felt the deepest amount of sympathy when the Demon (Brandon Iron) was pouring Frube Goo on Tiana Lynn's face while the gentle silhouette of 'Purple Rain' began playing in the background.

All in all I'd rate it a solid 8/10 - It'd be my new favourite film if it wasn't for all of the distracting sex scenes.

My father also rated it 8/10 - It'd be his new favourite film, if it wasn't for all of the dialogue scenes... Also he's more of an MJ fan.

Very Very Bad Santa

Great festive film full of adventure, mystery and joy.
I'm a sucker for Christmas films, I don't have a girlfriend and my Dad is my best friend so I guess it explains a lot.

Me and my Father actually watched this together with some nice mince pies, Eggnog and some stockings on our... never mind that bit.

The film opens with some very well composed Christmas music with a brightly coloured mise en scène and a great contrasting light filter which was great to get me in the mood as I was pouring myself a nice glass of eggnog.

In comes Santa (Ron Jeremy) who is a very genuinely nice despite the title Santa. He sits this girl down on his lap and asks what she wants, of course like many 18 year old girls she wanted nothing more than a nice pile driver. Ron delivered this pile driver with such genuine emotion that I could feel every bead of sweat running off his forehead in my heart.

As an actor Ron Jeremy just gets better and better each time, in this film it was no exception. Ron delivered each Shakespearean line with such conviction and grace that he really does Guildhall school of music and drama (in London) such justice in his classical training.

Me and my father actually started welling up quite a lot when another nice 18 year old asked for her to have a facial as it's so ridiculous that a woman so young would be so paranoid about having wrinkles on her face. Santa never gave her any face masks or anything like that but instead gave her the best gift of all, self esteem and confidence. He made her feel like a beautiful woman and finally unleashed his load on her face. Me and my Father jumped up in joy when he did this because it showed that you don't need corporate products to feel pretty, you just need attention and love.

The end of this story was very touching also, so much so that you could cut the suspense in the room with a butter knife. Me and my father side by side in complete silence watching Santa (Ron Jeremy) with yet another 18-19 year old girl. She says in a sad voice "My boyfriend won't give me a dirty schanzes." perhaps this was the saddest of all... I'm a single man and have been for a while, if I had a girl I'd treat her like a princess and give her a dirty schanzes every chance I could.

I had to wipe yet another tear from my eye as Santa (Ron Jeremy) lovingly gave this poor woman the dirty schanzes that she wanted for Christmas.

All in all, a great festive film to get you in the mood for Christmas celebrations and a heart warming tale with superb acting and a very deep hard to find message. You have to watch this film multiple times to understand the hidden narratives and it just gets better every time.

My rating - 8/10 - Beautiful, festive and great and my only gripe is that one of the women whom I didn't mention said that she wanted something big inside her which is kinda shallow but then maybe I'm being bitter because I'm not that big at all, no worries if so.

My dads rating 8/10 - Such a joyous film and it makes me wonder why I left my wife all those years ago to be subject to watching these films with my son on our 'dirty film Friday' my one complaint is that I had to watch it five times before I felt like I had discovered the hidden narratives.

I Know Who You Did Last Summer

Mystery, Suspense, sunshine, lollipops and more...
Despite not being a fan of the film that this is based off I decided to give it a try and I wasn't disappointed at all. This version actually has better acting, more intimate and engaging plot twists and best of all the endless suspense.

The story begins with a young woman who has been receiving mysterious notes in her school locker and mysteriously enough inside her tampon satchel the notes were written by a mysterious man named Charlie.

The woman was very frightened so confided in a male friend (Played by Ron Jeremy who is my favourite actor and did an excellent job in the new Toy Story live action film) Ron decided that the best way to comfort the very scared young woman was to give her the pile driver which is one of my favourite maneuvers to perform on my inflatable sex doll.

She later discovers with Rons help that these mysterious notes have been originating from Charlie who is a mysterious unicorn perched in Candy Mountain.

Charlie didn't want to go on an adventure with Ron when he suggested it and was very bitter when he had his kidney stolen so decided to take revenge by harassing Rons beautiful mistress of lust.

Ron and the beautiful mistress of lust once again perform the pile driver but this time with a low light contrast filter for artistic merit. They then decide to ascend to Candy Mountain and soon discover that it's a land of sweets and joy and joyness... They then walk together hand in hand through the trail leading up to candy mountain. They cross the magical Liopleurodon and suddenly begin to hear "Shun the non believer" and decided that the best way to combat this awful voice is to do the pile driver again, but this time in a high contrast light filter.

They reach the top of candy mountain and discover that Charlie is in fact a unicorn with no Kidney and no sense of humour or adventure.

They then have a 3 way pile driver and the woman has a liquid enima into the river of chocolate in order to purify it's waters forever.

7/10 - Great film, but I wish they did more sex moves than the Pile Driver.

The Sexorcist

A film that quizzes the social depiction of horror films.
Me and my Father once again decided to get another film in for our Dirty Film Friday's and this time we went with 'The Sexorcist' at my suggestion as while 'The Exorcist' scared the living flatulence out me I thought this would be less scary and boy was I wrong...

The film has very dark coloured and eerie mise en scène from the beginning, I was really worried because I just can't deal with films that are likely to scare me.

The storyline was so engaging and immersive that I actually felt like I was there which considering the amount of sex scenes in this film is a great thing... it's been a while *OKAY* guys?!

So onto the actresses themselves, while they weren't exactly the flirtatious, Provocative and inviting vixens I have encountered from previous films they were very good performers. In fact, my father recalled that he "Hasn't seen anything this dirty since I was changing you as a baby." which is a great indication for you all because I've always suffered from IBS.

The dialogue was amazingly captivating, scary and mysterious at times I couldn't believe how authentic the whole experience was. I was so scared and gripped when the woman disclosed in a frantic manner that she has a demon 'inside' her that needs to be removed.

The only real complaint that I do have is that one of the actresses has a remarkable resemblance in the downstairs region to my pet hamster and it sort of put me off the food I was eating at the time.

All in all though I'd say a very great film experience that everyone should check out at least once. I've lent the DVD out to my brother because his wife is going on holiday for 2 weeks and I'm sure he's going to love it!

My rating - 8/10 - Great film, but I wish razors were more prominent in the 1974 My Dads rating - 10/10 - Reminded him of the real film and he found the storyline was a very virtuous experience for him.

The Hills Have Thighs

A light hearted view into romance, mystery and adventure.
Me and my Father decided to try a new film out for our dirty film Friday event and we loved 'The Hills Have Eyes' so decided to give this a shot.

I would like to first give you a back story on myself as a person as I feel it is important to know a bit of details on the person reviewing the film. I am a 23 year-old man who hasn't had a girlfriend for a long time and sadly due to my ex-girlfriend moving in with an Alpha male named Chad and moved to America to be with him, I have been forced to live with my Father and dirty film Friday is our way of spending quality time together.

Enough of me, onto the film...

The first thing that caught my attention was the beautiful scenery and a very authentic looking set. The dialogue was beautifully written and at times actually brought a tear to my eye (If you know what I mean). The fact that a simple film like this would grip me into the story so much within just the first 20 minutes is something that I believe the directors should be extremely proud of.

The girls were very good looking too and performed very nicely, well... I think they did I'm a virgin so I'm not 100% sure but my Father seemed to enjoy the film based on that while I took more of a backseat to the acting and plot which was top notch.

Hopefully one day I'll meet a red headed vixen like 'Mira ' played by Rebecca Love and I will get a happy ending as in this film.

Loved it, one of my personal favourites now and I would recommend it to anyone and everyone.

My rating 10/10 My Dads rating 8/10 - He didn't like the plot and thought it was too predictable.

I Can't Believe I Knocked Up Two Sluts

A delightful light hearted drama, but awful character development.
I watched this with really high expectations but upon watching it twice (Once alone and once with my father on Dirty Film Friday) we discovered many plot breaking plot holes and continuity errors. Me and my Father discussed this afterwards and felt like it was like the plot was second to the graphical features of the film...

The film visually is very impressive and expressive but in a film where you can't empathise with the actors or actresses this gives it very little justice. My father tried really hard to follow the story and ended up with a headache afterwards. I had to explain to him that the two 'sluts' had been impregnated despite the fact the man only ejaculated in one girl, this makes absolutely no sense and broke the feeling of immersion.

I thought I'd treat myself to a new film since my back has recovered after being out of action for a week... This was the wrong film for me it seems.

My rating: 2/10 My dads rating: 3/10

Wouldn't recommend unless you like good visuals with a broken plot and absolutely NO character development.

The Whore of the Rings

Good acting, but very vulgar
I watched this film with very low expectations seeing as how it's an adult rated film. I was pleasantly surprised at how good the special effects and the acting was. The actors aren't very well known unfortunately but I'm pretty sure after this film that might just change. I found that the story line was very gripping but often times I'd forget what was happening in the storyline due to seemingly random sex scenes that go on a lot throughout this film. I watched this film with my father and he found the storyline and special effects to be very cheesy but I think it's the best part of the film.

I really wish there were more porn films like this that actually had a good story and a great cast but once again I was really put off by the amount of sex scenes because it'd make me forget what was going on in the story.

All in all a good watch that I'd recommend to anyone.

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