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American Illuminati

The perfect conspiracy theory movie if you don't know what a good movie is.
I have no idea how this got made. It is literally so bad on all fronts and I'm a fan of conspiracy stuff, but the only explanation is that the actual Illuminati made this movie to make people think that there's no such thing as the Illuminati. The production value is crap, with $1 million budget they could atleast have fixed the audio, structurally it's a mess and I haven't even started talking about the actual content of the movie. A bunch of contratictory statements, cherry picked facts skewed left and right, and weird assumptions made without any basis in reality. If someone has occam's razor laying around please give it to the film makers so they can slit their wrists with it. UGH!

I give this movie 1/10.


This movie is not complete.
Noomi Rapace, Michael Chiklis, Peter Stormare, Kerry Biché, Lesley Manville. All great actors! Brian Nelson wrote Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night, and Devil. Three very enjoyable movies! Even Steven Shainberghas directed good movies, like Secretary.

But Rupture... Rupture is awful. And when they arrive at the third act the movie ends. I can only assume that they ran over budget and could not find the money to finish the movie, and hopefully they realized not worth trying seeing what they already shot.

I am hesitant to give this even 2/10 because, this movie is far from a complete film.


Somewhere between ill-fitting khakis and a dumpster fire.
So Netflix has kept a generally high level of quality through the years, but now it seems they've decided to tap into the Syfy networks market. Apparently, they want some of that sweet sweet Sharknado money and are not afraid to peddle out some real generic sci-fi garbage to get it! I don't know what Dean Cain was busy doing that made him pass on this he could have made this bland mess at least watchable on pure "lolitude" alone. I usually like Emily Mortimer too, so it's a shame they had to drag her down with this..

If this is a precursor to what Netflix is going to produce from here on out, I'd just go ahead and unsubscribe from their services right now if I were you.


Bizarre, frightening, and utterly wonderful!
The mere idea of "competative tickling" is so out of this world that of course you would make a documentary about it! Add in a bunch of outrageous threats from the company once you look into it - It's gold from the get-go!

Tickled follows journalist David Farrier, and Dylan Reeve as they dig deep down the rabbit hole to the sickest places imaginable.. And no! None of them is the tickling itself!

The film is fantastic, it takes itself serious and even when moments arrive where they easily could mock and go for a quick laugh they stay factual and in the most parts let the "Jane O'Brien Media" speak for themselves. Tickled is the best film of the year so far.

John du Pont, Robert Durst, Jeffery Epstein, David D'Amato(?)

In a Valley of Violence

All style no substance...
Ti West knows how to make stuff look good. "The House of the Devil" proved that, and just as that is a full on throwback to 80s slashers this is a throwback to old westerns. But it shares a lot of the same problems as it too. The script isn't very good. The acting is.. pretty bad.. to say the least in a couple of cases, no names mentioned. I do not understand why Toby Huss isn't given bigger roles though, he's an excellent actor and in this just like the American remake of Martyrs last year he only gets a few lines and no real character. Toby Huss is too good for this! The music is great! Kudos to the composer! The cinematography is where I thought Ti West could do something special, the great wide scope of old westerns are beautiful and with his "copy/paste"-style of film making it should be great, but this feels more like a modern thriller.

The story in general is generic, pacing is way too slow, and there's a weird dream sequence lit with, what feels like, a flash light mounted to a hand held camera... That's not western at all. It would look bad in any movie but especially a western.

No, save your money on this good people! Watch "Das finstere Tal"(aka Dark Valley), one best western this side of the millennium!

Nine Lives

Surprisingly funny and touching comedy!
I went into this movie with no expectations at all. Come on! It's 2016 and we get a talking cat movie? How did this even get a theatrical release!? Boy was I wrong! This might be one of the best movies of the summer in fact. The humor is on point, and the acting is overall really great! Oddly enough, Kevin Spacey might be the worst of the bunch. Maybe he had the same expectations as me? Oh well, that did not ruin the movie! Christopher Walken gives his best performance since Seven Psychopaths, Cheryl Hines is as always lovely and hilarious, and the young Malina Weissman.. She's gonna be a star! That's all I gotta say. And there's jokes for both kids and adults, so don't worry if you think this looks like a cheesy kids film - It's not!

The movie had me rolling with laughter and an ending that actually made me tear up a bit. This is on par with Pixar/Disney movies like Inside Out, Toy Story, Zootopia.

Make sure Nine Lives is the movie you don't miss! IT'S THE SLEEPER HIT OF THE YEAR!

Suicide Squad

Another "superhero" movie......
Let me preface this by saying that I did enjoy Batman v Superman the first time I saw it in theaters. So don't down vote me because you think I'm some kind of Marvel fanboy(I can count on one hand the amount of MCU films I actually enjoyed)

..But this is not a great movie. Already the "fans"(read: fanboys) are outraged that it is getting bad reviews, but the fact is: It's getting bad reviews because it deserves it. It's a story about a group of people with special powers that has to learn to work together to stop a generic CGI army and close some kind of portal/hole in the sky. Just like The Avengers, X-Men: Apocalypse, similar to Man Of Steel, yeah a bunch of movies have done this.

It starts out with a series of flashy montages that went on way too long, all of a sudden something happens and they skip ahead a bunch of chapters in a couple minutes. The pacing issues luckily ends there, and the second act is pretty enjoyable. One of the best characters from the first half of the movie disappears though which sucks, they could have solved that in a different way to keep the character in play.

The third act is where it goes full on generic "superhero". And then it stops short. No real aftermath or anything.

It does have a post credit scene, but it is totally negated by them dropping the Justice League trailer a couple weeks ago.


Yet another unnecessary remake....
First off: I love the original french Martyrs(2008), but I still had some issues with it which would make this a prime target for remaking. So I started watching this movie with an open mind, hoping for the best preparing for the worst... And sadly, it turned out to be the latter.

It starts off the same, but without the eeriness of the original, granted that could be because I already had seen the original so I'll give that a pass. The acting is fine for what it is, but it's shot way worse than the original. (And yes, I'm gonna keep comparing it to the original) but it's just "blah"... They totally waste Toby Huss, I'm a big fan of his and was looking forward to see him in this, but yeah that don't pan out.

The ending, my favorite part from the original, is... "americanized". Let's say that. The one part from the original that really sticks with you and they throw it away like an unwanted fetus on prom-night.

Do not watch this movie! Watch the french original, it's the same thing but better. So sum Martyrs(2015) up in one word: Unnecessary!


Great movie! ...if you want to fall asleep.
At first glance, this ain't your typical horror movie! The idea of it all taking place on a computer screen with all communication being in e-mails, chats, and Skype is interesting and I'm sure it could be.. but beside that initial concept, the rest really falls apart.

You see, hiding underneath the gimmick is the same old story. You got teenagers who's done something bad, and someone and killing them off one by one. It's that easy.

There's long stretches of typing in chat-rooms, and googling stuff in complete silence! It forces the audience to keep 100% focus all the time while at the same time giving them NOTHING! I feel like the director forgot somewhere along the making of this that FILM IS A VISUAL MEDIUM! That being said, it can be done in a great way - e.g Pontypool.

The acting is your average horror-teen-movie-bad and blablabla... I had to pinch myself constantly not to fall asleep during this snooze fest of a movie.


Oh sweet Jesus what a train wreck!
I love me some Cameron Crowe, I really do but oh my God! This film is just one long awkward moment of terribleness that should never have been! For the love of me I don't understand how some of the best working actors out there today can give such poor performances either. There's is no chemistry between Bradley Cooper or Emma Stone and what's the deal with Rachel McAdams? I'm not even gonna go there. I don't even.. The movie even makes Bill Murray look bad! Bill Murray! AND THE PACING! My God the pacing.. I don't even think I can blame whomever cut this film. It feels just like a bunch of film makers that went to Hawaii and kinda made the movie up as it went along. Like a Adam Sandler movie, like Grown Ups. Congratulations Cameron Crowe! You made a sequel to Grown Ups without even knowing it! It should have been starring Kevin James! And that's an insult to Kevin James and not you, Cameron!

The only people I could recommend this film to is to toddlers, because it has some really bright colors and fun shapes. And that might be considered child abuse in some states so don't take my word on it.

The Captive

One way ticket to Snoozeville.
"The Captive" is an ironic title for this movie, because it sure wasn't captivating. See what I did there? That right there is more work than what was put into making this film. And it didn't take you 112 minutes to read it, huh? The story jumps from present to past like a squirrel from tree to tree making it very hard to follow. I am quite sure a squirrel could make a better movie though. Well, that's not fair I guess. Sorry to squirrels everywhere if I offended you. Ryan Reynolds does a poor performance, Mireille Enos' character is flatter than a pancake on Jupiter. You see the surface gravity on Jupiter is 253% higher than on earth. The one redeeming quality is the lighting, the movie was quite well lit. Mostly set during the daytime if I'm not mistaken.

There you go, that was my review of "The Captive". I am pretty pleased with myself. I was not however pleased with this movie. 3 stars.

The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death

The most uninspiring horror in years.
First off; I enjoyed the first movie even though most people found it to be pretty terrible. And to be fair a lot of the criticisms were valid for it, but there was still something there.

But this sequel is sadly just an utter mess. There's just nothing there, the acting is beyond subpar, there is nothing scary in this because every jump scare is so obvious it's not even funny. To the actors defense, the plot is not only corny to the max it's told in such a way it's just laughable! This director had no idea what he was doing, I would not be surprised if he literally phoned it in.

This is not a film you should watch.

The Interview

The epic cinematic adventure of the year!
Everything from the brilliant casting, the incredibly crafted storyline, to the direction which brings this film over the top! It is the best from Indiana Jones meets James Bond with the wit and humor of Monty Python's finest hours! I expected a chuckle or two but when I was not amazed by the cinematography and blinded by the acting performances of Franco and Rogen(Not to mention Randall Park's brilliant portrayal of the films antagonist Kim Jung-Un) The social commentary in this film puts it on par with films such as Münich, The Pianist, and Schindler's list. I would not be surprised if this is the film that sweeps most Awards at the Oscars this year! A+!!!

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