chriskirk2

IMDb member since April 2004
    Lifetime Total
    10+
    IMDb Member
    16 years

Reviews

David Spade: Take the Hit
(1998)

Excellent set
Spade is relaxed, confident, and very funny here. He balances his hateful-little-bastard persona with nice amounts of self-deprecation; coming up with a classic set. His subject matter(gay rock bands, "spanktro-vision", dirtball drug-dealers,etc.) isn't particularly important- but Spade makes it all work. I really liked his bit about rock bands talking to the audience- telling Michael Stipe to "sing Radio Free Europe and beat it!!", when Stipe just wants to whine about how horrible his rich life is. "Just sing the god-damned songs, buddy!!!!". This set is almost 10 years old-and none of the material is dated. Hate him or really hate him; Spade is a funny dude.

Nightstalker
(2002)

Highly-fictionalized , badly-acted , MTV-influenced crap
Why can't they do a "night stalker" movie that doesn't suck? Richard Ramirez is the most terrifying serial murderer of all time. His 14-month, 1984-85 L.A. terror spree changed the world. Your very home was a potentially deadly chamber of horrors if he came around. Ramirez worshiped Satan, and presented cops with the most horrific crime scenes ever. If EVIL exists, RR was it's personification. A great film about the case is possible. 2 crap films have been made about the case-and this is one of them. This movie really sucks. If it weren't for the lovely Roselyn Sanchez; this movie would be totally UN-watchable. TRUTH:Ramirez didn't smoke crack.He shot coke. Ramirez disposed of the guy first. This film ignores that aspect. Ramirez wasn't a white guy, he was Hispanic. Ramirez dressed in black, but didn't emulate Trent Reznor's "Downward Spiral" look. Ramirez was never wounded by his victims. The cops didn't catch Ramirez....They saved Ramirez. Nerds. The filmmakers know the facts of the case(according to the DVD's commentary track), but just chose to distract us with some lame fiction.This film quickly becomes a weak cop-movie. Ramirez is just an incidental character. The demon-flash crap is just a lazy offense to the audience; a short-cut to actual story-telling. The filmmakers "based" this film on "true events", but ignored many fascinating, real events-turning the film into a boring story about a pretty cop experiencing sexual harassment. What's the point of all this? I don't know.This film couldn't have missed the mark any further. As for 1985 period-detail, well, forget it. You get about 5 characters, 4 cars, and 3 settings. This is kid's stuff.

Hostel
(2005)

thank you, god!!!
Eli Roth for president. Two Americans and a dude from Iceland drink, smoke and screw their way across Europe. They end up at a too-good-to-be-true hostel. They party one more time with two staggeringly beautiful Russian broads(Barbera Nedeljakova is breath-taking), the Iceland guy disappears, and our American cats find themselves in deep trouble. Mr. Roth has re-ignited the horror genre. He's a horror-fanatic's horror fanatic. Horror is dangerous and ugly again. PG-13? Nope. Try a very hard R Rating-including lovely boobs, smashed skulls, exploding girl whose guts fly onto screaming spectators, eyeball-blow-torching,bolt-cutter -toe removal, fantasy corpse-surgery, and orgasmic-hypocritical-revenge that the viewer can rejoice in! This film works the viewer into a blood-thirsty revenge-fanatic. This is feverishly crazy, not to mention funny, stuff. In a film so soaked in grimy torture, death becomes a relief-a bit of a laugh(thanks to clever editing). When the tortured character exacts his sicko revenge, I was giddy. Kudos for casting unknowns. Kudos for hiring the editor that worked with John Landis when he did good films. Kudos to KNB effects for keeping the shot-in-camera effects alive. The gore is revoltingly beautiful. This film is disgusting. I love it!!!!

Showgirls
(1995)

Amazing garbage...and so bitchy!!!
This giant, glimmering turd-heap re-defines the word "Horrible". All but one character is a total piece of crap-and that poor girl,of course, gets gang-raped. This is a bitch of a movie. Retarded DRAMA! Retarded BOOB-flick! Retarded MORALITY TALE! Retarded REVENGE CLIMAX!What an expensive disaster !!!!! I love it!!! Verhoeven and Eszterhas had a massive success with "Basic Insinct"(thanks in part to the showing of Sharon Stone's Hoo-Hoo), and were apparently drunk on success, or something. Verhoeven is a GOD. ROBOCOP washes away his sins. He was probably getting busy with that useless "SAVED BY THE BELL" tart. As for Eszterhas...he's a lucky hack. But, there are a lot of naked women-which helps. This film is insane!! "I'm a dancer!!!!!!!!!!!"

Goodfellas
(1990)

Easily the best film of the 90's
Third on the "best gangster film" list; right behind the first two GODFATHERS- This grand story follows the lives of a group of tough hoods through four fascinating decades. Scorsese is the world's current greatest living filmmaker; and he really hit an amazing peak here. The direction, cast, editing, script and period detail are all flawless. Unlike the GODFATHER, these hoods are petty, wild and occasionally insane. These are working guys, living it up and "earning" at all costs. Scorsese changes gears according to the times: The laid-back, high living' 50's and 60's; the crazy, coked-out 70's; as well as the crash-and-burn 80's; Scorsese show the flash, the power, and the degradation of these amazing guys. This is an great American work of art from front to back.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
(2005)

the Sith hits the fan
The dialog is VIVID VIDEO. Jenna Jameson has the right to laugh at a lot of the dramatic performances. So it sucks,then? Is it really that bad? Nope. It delivers, overall. Lucas has taken ques from many of his hard-core critics; toughening the prequels up with pain, violence(PG-13. Hello!?!)and and the strongest downer-vibe since "Empire". Most of the action is beautiful. Lucas figured out what the geeks want: Lightsabers , Lightsabers, and Lightsabers. Episode 4 was based on a samurai flick, and that base helped make it mythological. In the name of bridging 3 and 4, Lucas has thousands of those suckers buzzing round-and-round. It works pretty nicely, giving the prequels a physical danger that was noticeably absent from 1 and 2. This one is still like 90% cgi-cartoon, but I'm kind of used to the loony-tune epic landscapes. The sense of "this is it,folks" provides the most stirring moments. Live it up, people. We all know how this hub bub is going to end up;Bravo to Lucas for trying his best to make the build-up to a 30-year-old-holy-film interesting for the sneering adults as well as the wide-eyed kids. This one is too-close to great to be dismissed. This is it.

The Star Wars Holiday Special
(1978)

"Special", like the Olympics. Tard Wars
Boba Fett aside, this variety-show garbage is exceedingly difficult to watch. This stuff couldn't be any more boring. Time-slowing sequences include Wookies watching cooking shows; Wookies having growl-conversations(no subtitles); Wookies having virtual sex with Dianne Carroll(!?!);and Musical numbers by future-Golden Girl Bea Arthur and Jefferson Starship(Star Wars...Starship. Clever)!!!!! Almost every sequence involves characters watching some form of television. Riveting. Lucas isn't responsible for this abomination-He had all copies burned. This cheap,PCP-influenced tragedy even shames the original Star Wars characters. Harrison Ford looks more lost here than he does in "Regarding Henry". Chewbacca is forced to wear a red dress. Carrie Fisher is forced to give some dumb speech about a tree and eventually sing!!!! Mark Hamill wears girl makeup. This poop is worse than Episode 1!!!! There, I said it.

Pollock
(2000)

Splatter film
Jackson Pollack was childish, difficult, and brutally drunk a lot of the time. Pollock was also the greatest painter in American history. His paintings were expressions of inner-agony, as well as a celebration of energetic, limitless creativity. Ed Harris shapes this film perfectly. He portrays Pollock as a defiant, tortured American artist, who was only alive when working. Marcia Gay Harden is perfect as Lee Krasner, the mothering-wife that Pollack needed in order to survive(aka paint). This film is extremely moody(like the man himself), but frequently explodes with the joy of painting(like...). If You think I sound snooty with this review, then go watch the latest Adam Sandler vehicle instead. This is important stuff. The scenes with the prick documentary filmmaker(Pollock's excuse to fall off the wagon and eventual selfish death) are crushing. Harden desperately screaming "Paint!!!!!" is heartbreaking. Endlessly self-destructive, Pollock pushed his loving wife away and stopped painting(Death). No sappy nonsense, this film hit all the right notes.

This Is Spinal Tap
(1984)

big ups, meat head!!!
Too bad the rating system doesn't go to 11. Totally brilliant. The accurately retarded stage shows, the dying drummers, the too-small bread,the amazing(mostly improvised) interviews, the malfunctioning concert props , the fact that you can't really dust for vomit, listening to the guitar that would sound amazing if it were being played, the one-louder amp, the Tap's "appeal becoming more selective"; this film brilliantly lampoons many pompous metal-morons. Can you say double feature with "Some kind of monster"?? Every scene is special. This is a comedy masterpiece. Both DVDs are essential. Meathead is the best director this side of Opie Taylor.

Half Baked
(1998)

1/2 baked 1/3 funny
Dave Chappelle is funny. Harland Williams is funny. Clarence Williams III is incredibly funny. Jim Breuer is desperate for laughs. Director Tamra Davis couldn't negotiate a comedy scene to save her life. So this gunk is 1/3 funny, 1/3 incoherent and retarded, and 1/3 of the time I wish I was stoned, like these kooks. A couple of nice comedic performances and ideas peek through Davis' mostly crappy direction. Young Dave Chappelle's sharp-yet-laid-back charm delivers many guffaws. This film would be ideal for 12-17 year old aspiring pot-smokers who think that the brilliant "Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke" is too "old". Chappelle fan's, take a look. "Up in smoke" crammed as many jokes as possible into the stoner "plot". This flick leans too much on the retarded "plot" and uses it's stoned facade as an excuse to be lazy. The sad thing is; "half baked" could have been a stoner classic if the creators worked a little harder. Making a movie about weed smokers is no excuse to act stoned behind the camera. The plot? More like , the pot. get it?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(2003)

Jessica Biel's torso rules
We all know that Micheal "screw reality... BLOW STUFF UP!!!" Bay is Satan. With that said, this crap is pretty tolerable. This film probably contains the best gun-hidden-in-the-vagina scene in movie history! The obvious "Blair-Witch" framing is retarded; and the "period" film feels about as 70s as "Dawson's Creek".The inclusion of a "Sweet home Alabama" sing-along didn't cut it. But I kinda liked this piece of poop. They know that the original was sick and dirty. It's 14 times better than any of the current avalanche of horror remakes. R. Lee("What is that, Private Pyle??!!?!?) Ermy does a nice job as a cracker cop, and the sultry Jessica Biel(in dirty-girl-jeans and a belly-shirt) is too hot. The rest of the cast is low-rent chainsaw fodder. Throwing a cracker-kid and cracker-elderly folks in the film was dumb, too. But decent movie-making shines through a couple of times,though. This remake is only kind-of useless. Lets just say it's better than Chainsaw 3 and the shitball sequel-remake with Rene Zellwegger combined. Worth a look, because Jessica Biel looks soooo foxy . Easily, she possesses the Shimmering-Torso of the year. They gave this remake a decent effort- Horror fans(myself included) will have fun.....

Assault on Precinct 13
(1976)

Kick-ass Before-"Halloween" Carpenter Blowout!!!!
Before people started referring to the gifted John Carpenter as some kind of new Hitchcock; Johnny and his long-haired film chums cranked out this no-budget, Hawks-meets-Romero-in-Carpenter urban hell(with peak Carpenter syn th-music). PLOT : Faceless,cold-blooded-ass gang-bangers attack a police station harboring a babbling vigilante father. This 70's-ass cop station is shutting down, so guns are limited-and communication to the outside world is gone. They let the cons out of their jail cells to help mow down the zombie-hippies! This is Carpenter's best movie, and I would give my life for "Halloween"! DIALOGUE: Bad-ass! "I am an asshole,though." "Can't take everything away from me!" is worth the price of admission(5.50 bin at Waly-mart, by the way. Travesty.). The only clunkers come from stupid cops.Go figure. "Got a smoke?" rules as well! ACTING: Rough around the edges, at best. LAURIE ZIMMER: Too-hot. She gets shot in the arm and still shoots additional holes in gang-banger ass . Wonderful guns,too (wink wink). Darwin "Got a smoke?" Jostin: The coolest character in film-history, "Napoleon Wilson". He makes "Napoleon Dynamite" look positively nerdy!! He's a death-row inmate who is so awesome he gains the respect of a cop! Give the man a cigarette! Austin Stoker: Best at making a cop look cool since "Shaft". As for the rest of the cast.....let's move on. SCORE: Second best to Carpenter's masterful "Halloween". Amazingly simple, yet totally creepy. Synth and beat-driven...way ahead of its time, by the way. Seek out the CD, even though it costs five-times more than the great DVD. Do yourself a favor, you mugs! Buy both yesterday, if not sooner. SYNOPSIS: "Night of the Living Dead in the mid-70's Hood" This movie rules!!!Mind the three exclamation points, people! I'm not playing!!!!

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
(1974)

Best of 70's horror. Don't argue...
I remember the video box when I was a kid. It taunted you. It was so frightening that it dared you to rent it. On the box was a Rex Reed quote that expressed it has "Horrifying";along with a big,fat guy with a chainsaw!

When I was 12, I bought the VHS tape and watched it with my still-current best-friend, who had to call his mom and go home after viewing this horror-masterpiece. I was in love with this film. Still am. It is the rawest, sweatiest, and most disgusting depiction of physical and emotional terror ever expressed on film. It's in you're face from frame one. It wont let up. Jason was a one-note retard in 1988. Freddy was already shitting out 007-esque one-liners, and Michael Myers,a stiff ,was trapped in some "plot-crap" in 1988. Leatherface wanted you to experience true insanity before he barbecued you, while sporting your boyfriend's face(literally). This was, well "horrifying" stuff. Tobe Hooper is insane; This film is proof. Oh yeah, it's funny too. A great film, not just a great horror film. enjoy

Kill Bill: Vol. 2
(2004)

The YANG to "Vol.1"'s YING
Tarantino has done it again. He's the man,baby. The action scenes are quicker; but equally impactive. The brilliant Tarantino dialogue dominates this one,however. This film,like the amazing Vol 1,is Tarantino playfully presenting everything he loves: cinema and pop culture, great music and great acting, badass characters sayin' badass words,etc. And unlike the action orgy that is volume 1, this one gives the characters a couple of minutes to breathe, B.S with each other, and philosophize. Volume 2 has a different vibe; this one is a compliment the first film's wild non-stop frenzy. Tarantino displays the surest of hands; making the audience laugh, scream, jump, even feel for these gleefully nasty characters. His answers-before-questions structure is still there,and it works very well. He's turned a simple revenge plot into an astonishing saga. Tarantino is 5 for 5(excluding the tragic FOUR ROOMS). God, he's good.

Dawn of the Dead
(2004)

Boy, does this rule!!!
I've seen the original Dawn a billion times. I specifically remember renting it from MAJOR VIDEO in 1983. I was 8 years old. The shocking gore gave me nightmares. When I was 13, I bought my own VHS copy. AT 21 I got the laserdisc for Christmas-still have it. I eventually bought the many DVD incarnations...etc. My point is this: I KNOW((and really love)the zombie genre, and I was weary of this remake. Why remake perfection? Because the lame action movie "28 days later"(whatever 14-year old girl was quoted as saying it was the scariest horror film since the EXORCIST was retarded) made money? I feared this remake would suck. Well, it does not suck. It is,in fact, one of the top zombie flix, ever. DOTD 04' is a frightening, post 9/11 re-think of the classic original. The zombies are scary, not to mention fast. The first 20 minutes pull you in, and the sharp direction, acting, script, and editing keep you on edge. This is potent fun, with moments of sharp humor; as well as a strong sense of apocalyptic paranoia. This well-worthy rethink of the original is a blast. George Romero should be proud.

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