SERVOMOORE

(I'd call them SPOILERS, but I don't think they spoil anything)

Okay, let's start off by saying I don't think there's a studio production out there that a quarter way measures up to some of the better indies. And I always loved Corman and lower budget movies in general.(Even Mark Borchardt's COVEN) That love does not, however, extend to this movie.

To give the movie even more slack, I liked Brian O'Halloran's portrayal of Dante: a likable guy who I was actually rooting for, even as he is ready to dump a perfectly good girlfriend for a questionable one. I think the opening of this movie is great, and like pretty much any scene where it's Dante and his girlfriend. (The cigarette thing was really forced humor in my opinion)

Then starts the march of the assholes, Randall and Jay (Silent Bob really isn't a character, so i'm not classifying him as either) Jeff Anderson, I guess, isn't such a bad guy, and I guess he is actually trying in this movie, but I spent the whole movie wanting something to happen which removed him from the plot. His scenes where he demonstrates his fixation with semen and penises don't even seem to be trying to be funny, except to Middle Schoolers who think the word "shit" is funny in any context.

I wish most for two modifications to this movie: A. Kevin DOES use his robbery ending, B. he pegs Randall instead. Same for Jay. While Jason Mewes may have had a really horrid life (If what I heard about his mom from Kevin is true) that doesn't make his Jay character any more than the annoying bastard who you just want to leave. While I'm all for loading movies like KIDS with these guys, they aren't funny. And when you get down to it, it's no surprise to hear than he was stoned or drunk most of his performance.

As for the rest of the movie, Smith's allegedly brilliant dialogue is, i think, overrated. I can only guess it was called that because people think he's some kind of little guy. I think there's only one good line in the whole thing( it's from Randall), and that's only because I hate my dad too. (Well, Dante has some good ones, but they aren't funny)

The premise of guys at work just getting through a day, however, I find to be the best possible premise a movie could have, and I much prefer black and white film stock to color. (though there's not enough contrast in this movie)Incidentally, Smith can cram the cartoon that comes before the movie up his ass. (This might be because I've met people who have been molested, so I guess people will say I'm biased against having a good time)

In short, watch if you think cum is hilarious, don't care that a movie seems to be trying to be a lot of things without really being any of them, has a good premise it doesn't pursue, a few interesting characters scattered amongst endless ranks of unfunny schmucks, is in black & white and cheap.

I approached this film with the entirely wrong expectations. Sure, I was ready for the silliness of the gore and the (SPOILERS) Cannibal aliens, and I knew all about the vomit scene beforehand, but still I expected utter hilarity. I was all too wrong. Here the movie is too much like a conventional action film, although it breaks every rule in having a Derek hero who goes Nutzoid, but the prolonged combat sequence is simply not too funny. Fans of MONTY PYTHON in particular, take note: Jackson puts astoryline above humor, and the one time he lets that grind to a halt is over the pretty unfunny vomit scene. The HOLY GRAIL fans are definitely not being pandered too: here, the heros are simply TOO effective: the forces of evil are taken down with some suspense at the end, but the Boys just seem to be playing paintball with nimrods the rest of the time.

In short, watch for Derek and some pulse pounding, but not to get a laugh a minute.

Here we have another look at the fantasy, Levittown world where a family was bound together by "love" rather than the laziness of anyone to leave the house or the trailer. Everyone's clearly outlined role is fulfilled, and the whole nuclear family, a horror which has since gone the way of Sodomy laws (and good riddance) Probably the least accurate thing here is that the father is having dinner not at a bar.

I've heard families endorsed a lot. It's nonsense: the best thing your parents can possibly do is divorce, and have you strike out on your own as soon as you turn sixteen with minimal funds (only you get to learn from their mistake and not get pregnant or someone else such.) It's what everyone really wants.

Chances are, if Joel, Mike, and the Bots hadn't made it big, no one who was not directly involved with this apparent TV series pilot (probably falsely packaged as a movie) would even know it existed (probably all the better for Borgnine, but probably not what Kenneth J. Berton wanted)

(Kind of Spoilers, but don't expect any enjoyment to be ruined here)

For the first eighth, an old woman is killed by an evil spirit while using a Oujia board (there's a reason your parents told you not to use that thing!)

2nd Eighth, the framing device, a slightly over the top Borgnine begins recounting his days as a crappy TV screenwriter for a gimmicky show to a kid allegedly related to him. You'll note that the film has about as many minorities as SPACE MUTINY (a movie made under apartheid)

Next Quarter, Story about how Merlin is threatened by a reviewer who somehow has managed to apparently be as powerful as Rush Limbaugh's TV show with his followers, even though he is clearly the town bastard. Merlin fixes him, I er mean TEACHES him by giving him an occultish book (I guess the director hoped to appeal to really stupid satanic families) and letting the evil take over from there.

Back to Borgnine being lectured on how his vision of Merlin is closer to some people's view of Stalin, but decides he wants to hear Grandpa's story about an evil toy monkey that started this mess.

For the remainder, except an epilogue tacked on to make everything seem nice, Kenneth J. Berton edits sections of his 1984 (how fitting) movie THE DEVIL'S GIFT (A rip-off of Stephen King's THE MONKEY, which, contrary to what you might have heard, was originally published in 1980, not in SKELETON CREW)with his Merlin Schlock, and while THE DEVIL'S GIFT is way better than his Merlin tangent, Berton was still filling the screen with unsympathetic idiots. Let's just say the premise is a monkey that kills something every time the cymbals beat (story was written by King in his cocaine days, if I remember correctly), and Merlin decides this was something to put in a location where it could be easily stolen or sold, and refuses to bring himself to actually deal with the monkey directly (like by destroying it)

On the whole, I give the enterprise 2 out of ten.

"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" is schlocky, to be sure: don't expect to see Gordon Willis type cinematography, and people seemed to be chosen completely at random, so don't expect De Niro. There are pauses, there's a segment with motorcycles that just wastes time (obvious padding), there is generally awful pacing, and huge logic gaps (aside from the whole tomatoes premise) That said, it is pants-wettingly humorous and original at times. The screenwriters were definitely better at their job than the director (and I say that knowing that the director helped write the screenplay: it's the sort of logic you can expect in this film) Basically, if you believe that a movie can be redeemed by its details, you're probably going to like this.

Three and a half stars out of five: just for fun.

... Or maybe William Burroughs. Point is, this movie is edgy, shot in with both intense camera movements and an astounded "Snori-cam" (The camera trick that makes the person the shot focuses on look he/she is standing still, while everything else moves), it is extremely creative, used its money well, and is gutsy as all get out (according to commentary, a character (don't want to give away who) put a drill a few millimeters into their scalp) If you like B&W with little gray, you'll love the way this is shot. If you find Jews in any way fascinating, you'll either be overjoyed or offended.

If you don't like any of the above, this movie will make you start looking through your thesaurus for synonyms for "stupid." One last note, if you don't mind the same thing happening a few times (nothing happens more than four times, though) if it's in keeping with a theme, and you don't mind a character spending a lot of time in a room inside their apartment, there should be few problems for you.

I give this a 10 out of 10, and challenge any of the nimrods who attack this movie as "amateurish" or any such thing to do half as well.

The black&white cinematography is very uneven, some shots almost impossible to make out, others kind of beautiful in a dream-like way.

The actors are a bit campy in large part, some are flat-out wooden, and look, we have an obsessed drug abuser who is trying to stay non-mainstream at the heart of the story. But not only that, we have religion playing a large role (although its pretty warped religion)

In short, this film is basically PI about writing instead of math, but its budget is so much smaller it has the expected lesser amount of style or graphics.

Personally, I like this film, and would even if I hadn't seen Chris Smith's documentary.

Recommended viewing if you are hoping to be an artistic filmmaker.

I have never so wanted to leap bodily into a movie and kill a main character this much (and I watched Pippi Longstockings.) While I admit there is a bit of truth to the proceedings, it's a pretty small bit.

Plot:

The Malibu High School a-hole is topless, getting ready for school. She is so unattractive that you could show her to Dawn Wiener from Welcome to the Dollhouse and give Dawn new hope. I guess the filmmakers thought she was attractive because she was thin. She goes to school, and we learn that her boyfriend has very understandably moved on to a rich girl who isn't stomach turning. She's flunking all her classes, mopes about at home, has a hilariously poorly acted flashback to when she stumbled across her father's corpse, and then decides to go the route of Julia Roberts to making her life better: prostitution. Without any effort, she seduces teacher after teacher (all of whom appear to be male) and blackmails them with knowledge of the locations of their birthmarks (they all have revealing birthmarks?) Then we get to see her become a whore with a van, working for somewhere around $.75 a head. When that doesn't work, she turns to murder. Unfortunately, not her own. She blows away complete strangers, and then we have a very predictable death by hiding heart pills and turning person on (in real life, her body would be the last one you'd want to use for that) In the end, she shoots her boyfriend's new girlfriend after trying to run her over and killing her father, and is about to shoot her ex-boyfriend, when the hero of the film, an anonymous cop, guns her down.

Everyone I was watching this with cheered, and wished that last scene was interactive.

The camera work is bad, the film is grainy, the people look like they were cast because they would work for free, and you can't help but feel apathy or hate. If that weren't enough, we get rotten music, too.

Rating: -1 star out of four.

This film will definitely cause you to rewind a few times, and fast-forward a lot more, because huge sections of it are predictable and flat to the point of humorless. The four main male characters... I hated them, but they seem to be somewhat accurate. Rafal Zielinski is a competent director, and the editor has rendered some rather effective "speed up" gags.

Here and there, a good line is said, or a good piece of physical comedy is shown, but it's usually the script, not the way it's delivered, that's funny. And most of the nudity... To be frank, you get sick of it by sheer repetition (Wow, EVERY character is sort a deviant... boring) and want to see a character you can actually like.

Now, on to Linda Shayne,

She's hardly a prolific director these days, and some of her material is borderline vomitably kid-oriented(Flying Ryan, Purple People Eater), but she is still skilled at suiting the needs of the right target audience. Plus, she is more attractive than the rest of the female cast combined. It's a shame that she couldn't have gotten herself the female lead as Purity: her acting skills and physique are much better. Much more likely to draw a guy like me over to the cause of feminism than Ann Coulter or Oprah Winfrey

In short, she's the reason I am really mad that the local movie rental has lost its copy of this tape.

Made in 1953, this film is so far ahead of its time its no wonder it was suppressed. Ranks right up there with HARLAND COUNTY U.S.A. as a film that shows genuinely heroic women, and gives the working class who we have to thank for the fact that America is such a great country its due. And this is also one of the few movies that stood up to the MAN without being about a bunch of bastards. But being heroic does not make it perfect. The way that the film shows white persons, with the exception of the union leaders, who can be expected to have alterior motives. Dividing the situation into black and white, though making the whites the bad guys this time is no more fair than pro-white to excess films are.

In fact, don't be surprised if films like Mona Lisa Smiles or The Stepford Wives really tick you off by comparison.

Seriously, if it weren't for the fact that the DVD of this MST3K Episode contained the trailer, I would not believe this got any distribution.

I'm not saying this film had no merits: some cinematography ain't bad, the music's relatively cool, and.... it's just that everything is so bad that it completely blots out those assests to this film, driving this film down to Hell where it belongs. I spent the whole thing wishing it would end with an atom bomb detonating, and taking everyone out. I actually bear the lead characters a grudge: shame on you, Jody guy, you were boring and apparently arrogant enough to assume your fifty year-old guy's face was handsome enough you didn't need to act, and Emby(Melissa), I now take pride in my dreckiest films because they don't include YOU! How could you guys not see what a terrible script you were backing? Hmmm?

Now, the old homicidal (Promicidal) woman, you make that Crenshaw guy in Boggy Creek Two seem likable and dimensioned: I wasn't supposed to like you, but you went too far. Bad direction, bad characters, and most annoying, this script is ARROGANT in it's anti-Christianity. look, guys, your ability (what little there is) to make regular people seem bad doesn't prove a thing. You are in no position to criticize anyone else.

Rating: .5/4, good for making fun of and destroying.

The filmmakers are obviously not going by their guts: they don't point out a single element of the stupidity of this obsession (possibly they assume the viewer already knows most of the information, but it is so condescending one would think not.) Not a thing is said about the damage that is done to a person by the corsets or the side effects of surgery. Everything is hunky dorry, la de da, but almost totally unfunny. (Joan Rivers and Carmen Electra(narrator) are just annoying) The filmmakers even suck the humor out of a line from a Russ Meyers movie by taking it out of context! The alleged irony they try at doesn't work because it comes out of the interviewees themselves, which makes it considerably less. This isn't a documentary: it's an E! feature: i.e., almost worthless.

The films problems divide thusly: 10% bad framing, 30% bad acting (the voices are dubbed, so you can expect that), general bad direction accounts for 40% because that results in bad pacing and skews continuity, and probably the last 20% is sheer apathy. Whoever saw these scenes in the editing room must not have cared what they looked like, and numerous shots have a "let's get this damn thing done" look. Probably due to the fact this thing took two and a half months to shot on an actually not that small budget, considering the time. (Look what Mark Borchardt managed with $3,000 today with COVEN.) But, all told, people who call this "the worst movie ever made" are just going with the flow. The worst movie, logically, is FACES OF DEATH, because it is actually evil in its intentions: conditioning people to react to the thrill of seeing others die or suffer without caring. Hal Warren does include a rather disgusting shot towards the end where pedophilia is implied, but he doesn't seem to be trying to derive a thrill from it. Has probably the best ending of any feature ever shown on MST3K, and actually might work in screenplay form.