RetroRoger

You can take a Frankenstein out of the Old Country, but you can't take the Old Country out of a Frankenstein.

Yet another of Victor's descendants, Oliver, trucks his mad experiments all the way to the suburbs of L.A.

Charting the family tree of the randy Frankenstein clan is daunting. Ollie would seem to be the son of Wolf (the titular 'Son of Frankenstein'), perhaps the older brother of Dr. Freddie ("Frahn-ken-SHTEEN!), nephew of the lusty Lady Tania Frankenstein, and either nephew or cousin of Maria Frankenstein (think she was fudging on her age to Jesse James).

Though he hides his identity behind a truncated last name, Oliver is full-blooded Frankenstein, with a healthy dose of his forefathers' urbane insanity and his aunts' horn-dog chromosome.

Oliver can barely keep his mind on monster-building while Trudy Morton is around. Trudy is the niece of his employer, Carter Morton, a tottering mad scientist with a perplexing Germanic accent. (played by Felix Locher, who portrayed Frenchmen, Spaniards, and even Sitting Bull -- twice -- during his long career.)

Oliver adds a whole new dimension to sexual harassment by slipping Trudy fruit-punch mickeys laced with Digenerol, an apparent early version of Rohypnol.

Trudy keeps waking from nightmares where she's been running around the suburbs in her bathing suit or blue nightie, with bug eyes, Bubba teeth, and a profuse amount of facial hair.

When other members of the community begin to describe seeing the same scantily-clad creature, Trudy deduces that she must be the monster, and proceeds to tell just about everyone she knows. They all pooh-pooh the notion, because, after all, the movie still has 65 minutes to fill.

At this point, we get to know a little more about Trudy's close friend, Suzie (played by February 1957 Playmate, Sally Todd). Seems Suzie is still sore because Trudy stole her boyfriend, Johnny. Suzie can see that live-in employee Oliver has a thing for Trudy, so she plans to get a piece of that action for herself.

Date night comes, and Suzie gets more of Ollie than she wants. Slapping a Frankenstein is a capital offense, and the mad scientist salvages Suzie's brain for his brand new monster.

Exposition ensues, as Mad Doctor Frank explains to his henchman Elsu that he is placing a female brain in his male monster's head because, "the female brain is conditioned to a man's world, and therefore takes orders ...". Ollie forgot that this particular brain just got done slapping the snot out of him.

Elsu, who must be older than dirt, also assisted Granddaddy and Daddy Frankenstein when they brought their own creatures into the world, and gets the notion that Oliver's motives are less honorable than his predecessors. Not good at taking constructive criticism, Dr. Frank tells his henchman, "From here on in, I decide what's evil."

While the mad scientist works hard to spark life in his creature, old man Morton picks that inconvenient moment to have a heart seizure. Hearing his cry for help, and needing to keep him from staggering in on their secret experiment, Oliver and Elsu rush out to aid Morton. As Trudy runs downstairs to see what's the matter, Morton makes a miraculous recovery.

Wouldn't you know it, just when the mad doc is out of the room, the monster gets the jump-start he/she needs, and shambles out of the laboratory. We get our first good look at the new Suzie, and wish we hadn't. Androgyny wasn't in vogue in 1958, so instead of giving us a Prince or a Sting, the director resorted to the old sideshow freak trick of putting lipstick and make-up on the right side of the monster's face, while the scarred left side is that of a man (specifically, Hollywood tough guy Harry Wilson).

Apparently gender-confused, the monster makes a point of ripping the frilly curtains off the window before busting through the front door into the night.

Cut to the two unluckiest dockworkers since Abbott and Costello met Dracula. Suzie the monster does a Mummy shuffle along the dock, and catches the attention of one of the workers, who demands to know "Who are you?". Suzie tries to use her new monster vocal chords to say, "Miss February, 1957", but it all comes out as a grunt. Frustrated that she can't make the crowbar-wielding worker understand, she leans on her best feminine wiles, and repeatedly bitch-slaps him. In this new monster body, though, Suzie bounces him all over the dock.

Tired of killing for the night, Suzie heads home to her mad doctor. A little humanity shines through, as the monster stops and politely knocks at the very same door he/she had smashed through just an hour before.

Expecting boyfriend Johnny, the hapless Trudy answers the door and collapses in a total wiggins at the sight of her new dead best friend, Suzie.

The monster gets whisked away by his/her maker, Trudy is revived and duly convinced by concerned loved ones that she's nuts, and Uncle Carter urges her to have a teenage rock-n-roll dance party barbecue by the backyard pool, just to calm her nerves.

The viewer is invited along, as the four-man (?) Page Cavanaugh Trio plays jazzy, hep hits for the come-as-you-are teen party-goers. This is the way life should be. There should always be combos playing in the backyard while newspaper headlines scream "WOMAN MONSTER MENACES CITY!" Not even Godzilla should keep us from grabbing a little gusto. Hollywood filmmakers should resurrect the tradition of musical interludes in horror movies, so we can relive great moments like this and the barn dance in 'Giant Gila Monster'.

This movie adds a timeless tune, 'Daddy Bird' to the teenage horror movie hit list -- right up there with 'Beware the Blob', 'Ghoul in School' from 'Werewolf in a Girls Dormitory', and 'Kiss My A--' from 'Zombie High'. 4 out of 10.

The best Corman monster flick Roger never made.

This great B-movie unspools like a Sergio Leone revenge tale. Big mean Daddy flushes daughter's baby gator, Ramon, down the toilet. Sixteen years later, Ramon has grown up to be a 36-foot mutated maneater stalking the mean sewers of the Windy City. Daughter has grown up to become a 5'-4" herpetologist for the Chicago Zoo. You can just hear the haunting whistle of an Ennio Morricone soundtrack as the showdown looms.

This monster flick's pedigree is a purebred B, written by Corman alumnus John Sayles (fresh from 1978's 'Piranha', on his way to 1981's 'The Howling') and directed by veteran Lewis Teague, who cut his directing and editing teeth on such Corman classics as 'The Lady In Red', 'Cockfighter', 'Crazy Mama', and the immortal 'Death Race 2000'.

Casting for 'Alligator' was made in Cult Heaven, with Tarantino-fave Robert Forster as the bad-luck cop who gets between the girl and her gator. Future 'Stepmonster' Robin Riker makes her movie debut as the reptile expert. '50s sci-fi veteran Dean Jagger (looking, swear-to-God, like the dancing octogenarian in the Six Flags commercials) plays the dastardly industrialist who kills puppies and inadvertently creates the monster. Henry Silva seems to have fun skewering his cinema psycho persona. Even Hollywood tough-guy Mike Mazurki makes a cameo as the villain's gatekeeper.

Injokes abound, with winks and nudges to infamous sewer rats Harry Lime and Ed Norton. Romantic foreplay includes heartfelt talks about male pattern baldness. The gator seems to have a Jones for men in blue. And Chicago can only be saved by the time-honored, foolproof solution of trapping oneself in an enclosed space with the monster and a timebomb.

After 24 years, we rabid fans are still waiting for the obvious sewer creature clash, 'Ramon vs. C.H.U.D.' Keep dreaming ...

Went into this movie expecting Tommy Kirk to do a reprise of his Gogo the Teenage Martian role from 1964's 'Pajama Party'. Instead, we get Dop, a seriously serious 'medical missionary' from the dying red planet, who needs five voluptuous young earth women 'unmarried ... of good health ... and possessing the common indicators of fertility and reproduction'.

The boys from Mars had tried the usual method of standard alien abduction in the movie's opening scenes, snagging a tennis-playing ingenue, a woman taking a shower, and a girl in a restaurant waiting for her beau to get back from the cigarette machine. WE NEVER SEE THESE THREE WOMEN AGAIN. Dop explains this ominously but matter-of-factly to blustering Army Colonel Robert 'Bob' Page: "We have attempted to seize three women by transponder. We have been unsuccessful." Could be the problem was using a transPONDER instead of a transPORTER -- since transPONDERS receive radio signals, not flesh-and-blood females.

So the five Martians decide on the sensible, low-tech direct approach -- hypnosis and kidnapping. And Dop is nonplussed when Colonel Page considers this "an overt action of ... war!" The Martian fellow (successfully) transports himself back to his ship and prepares for their one-UFO invasion.

In the words of the nameless network news announcer " ... the most powerful nation on earth is humbled by five men in a space cylinder hurtling toward the approximate vicinity of ... Houston, Texas."

For the next few minutes, we get to watch exciting stock footage of the X-15 and fighter jets trying to intercept the Martian craft, while Colonel Bob and his aide stare blankly at a loudspeaker explaining all the action.

The aliens land secretly and cautiously debark from their saucer, armed with Ray-O-Vac flashlights and harpoon guns. No wonder they misused the transponder.

Their immediate invasion plans call for securing "earth apparel, an automobile, currency, and a city map" of Houston. Martian operative 'Fellow 3' successfully appropriates the needed currency and map by raiding the nearby Phillips 66 gas station.

The boys' criteria for appropriate female specimens is not unlike Dr. Bill Cortner's search for the perfect body on which to attach his fiancé's severed head in "The Brain That Wouldn't Die". They round up an airline stewardess, a buxom co-ed artist, a homecoming queen (who bears a haunting resemblance to Marilyn Quayle), a stripper (played by local Texas burlesque legend, Bubbles Cash), and Pulitzer Prize-winning geneticist Marjorie Bolen, who, as 'Fellow-2' puts it, "happens to be blessed physically, too -- anatomically-speaking."

Dr. Bolen is played by the 'physically-blessed' Yvonne Craig, who is more recognizable in her skin-tight Batgirl costume from the '60s Batman TV show. Dr. Bolen melts at the insightful DNA questions that Dop asks at her news conference. Soon the Pulitzer-Prizewinner and the Invader from Mars are holding hands at a planetarium, where Dop delivers a heartsick soliloquy about his dying planet.

This movie is ripe with inadvertently funny lines delivered in dead seriousness, like:

"Do not -- repeat -- DO NOT eat any of the earth food."

"You are now, for all practical purposes -- earth men."

"Our time is short ... considering that in the next 20 hours, each of us must survey, choose, examine the medical records of, and abduct a female meeting the exacting qualifications of Operation Sleep-Freeze."

"Dr. Marjorie Bolen turned out to be a stunning brunette, who found it hard to hide her charm behind her horn-rimmed spectacles."

"Tonight: 'Sex and Outer Space' -- A News Conference On Extra-Terrestrial Reproduction by Dr. Marjorie Bolen, One of America's Leading Authorities On Space Medicine, in the Coronado Suite, 10:00 P.M. Only Newsmen with proper press credentials admitted."

"The exotic dancer is secured."

'Mars Needs Women' owes a lot to other great cheesy movies, like the aforementioned 'Brain That Wouldn't', and especially 'Teenagers From Outer Space', and even anticipates 'Revenge of the Nerds', when the geek geneticist wins the day with LUV. Watch this, then chase it down with 'Pajama Party', for a real 60's spaceman/bodacious babe overdose. 4 of 10.

The best mainstream serial killer comedy ever. Oh, wait ... it's the only mainstream serial killer comedy.

In 'January Man', A-list actors took a stab at subject matter that had always been in the realm of B-movies, and suffered an undeserved critical drubbing as a result.

'January Man' is a black comedy in which the murder mystery takes a backseat to a character study of the detective who solves it. Nick Starkey is an eccentric, uncompromising detective of the Sherlock Holmes mold, well-played by Kevin Kline. Alan Rickman is low-key perfect as Kline's fellow Bohemian, Ed, who serves as his computer-adept Dr. Watson.

Critics were appalled that director O'Connor and writer Shanley would make so light with the subject of the callous murder of innocent women. Remember, this was two years before Anthony Hopkins made a modern icon out of Hannibal Lecter, and five years before Quentin Tarantino melded comedy and crime noir in 'Pulp Fiction'.

These days, 'The January Man' seems, if anything, too tame. If the titular murderer had been a diabolical killing machine, a modern-day Dracula worthy of tracking by a brilliant detective, then the movie might survive as a classic today.

Instead, the killer remained bloodless and motiveless -- a TV crime series killer-of-the-week, compared to the Dahmers and Ted Bundys we encounter in our real-world newspapers and evening newscasts.

The movie still remains great fun, with a stellar cast. The story is an Us and Them comedy, with Kline, Rickman and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio as the extremely likable Us, and Susan Sarandon, Harvey Keitel, Rod Steiger, and Danny Aiello acting up a storm to be unlikeable as Them.

'The January Man' is a non-conformist favorite I have to slap into the player at least once a year. 8 out of 10.

This is by far my favorite action movie. But what makes it work is not the elaborate Renny Harlin explosions and shoot-em-ups. It's the Shane Black script and its deft delivery by Geena Davis and Samuel L. Jackson.

The chemistry between the two principals merited a sequel. Thank God it was never made. Too much danger of marring the original.

'The Long Kiss' checkerboards from quotable scene to action scene to quotable scene and back again. Never a dull moment.

This has to be Jackson's funniest role ever, and the amazing thing is that he is playing one of the most normal characters of his career. No quirky Tarantino hit-man, super-cool Shaft, or borderline psycho soldier. In TLKG, Jackson is the everyman we identify with. The poor schmuck gets dragged along on this crazy woman's odyssey to uncover the dangerous secret of her past.

Though the story claims that Davis's character, Samantha Caine is suffering from amnesia, the writer and director treat her condition as if it were a multiple personality disorder.

Samantha Caine is not just a new identity taken by the amnesiac Charly Baltimore -- she is a separate, fully-developed personality. The traumas suffered by Samantha in the first half-hour of the movie help the submerged dissociate personality of Charly to emerge again.

The materials of her past life excavated by Jackson's detective Mitch Henessey facilitate Charly's resurfacing. Good timing, too, considering the target Samantha makes of herself.

But Charly has to fight herself to remain the dominant personality. One gathers from bits of dialogue that the warrior personality (Charly) developed after her father died and she was recruited by the "Chapter".

In the eight years Charly was buried in the psyche, though, her Samantha identity developed into the dominant personality. (She's even funnier that Charly.) This was probably due to becoming a mother, because it's the reunion with her daughter that breaks Charly's struggle to suppress Samantha, leading to their apparent integration by movie's end.

It's impossible to choose a "best quote" from this film:

"Now you're a sharpshooter?"

"I saved your ass. It was great!"

"Continue dying. Out."

"I sock 'em in the jaw and yell 'Pop goes the weasel'".

And a couple of dozen more, many too raunchy to quote here.

Geena Davis looks great, and comes off as an action hero without glossing over the fact she's turning forty. (Listen to Charley's history, do the math).

Fantastic soundtrack, too. Santana, Muddy Waters, Elvis, LaBelle, Marvin Gaye.

I give 'The Long Kiss Goodnight' a 9, only because I don't believe in a perfect 10. Seen it a dozen times, and it still stays fresh. Nice twisted holiday flick to place on your shelf next to 'It's A Wonderful Life.'

Best exchange of the movie, between Daniel Stern's 'Reverend' character, and John Heard's 'Cooper', after Stern has just rescued Heard from a homeless couple who were transforming into cannibals:

Stern: "You Cooper?"

Heard: "Yeah ... who are you?"

Stern: "I run the soup kitchen ..."

Heard: "On Kenman?"

Stern: "Right ..."

Heard: "THANK GOD THEY DELIVER!"

You have to see it to appreciate it. The fact that this dialogue was ad-libbed says a lot about the gonzo film-making that produced C.H.U.D.

Story writer Shep Abbott came up with the word, "CHUD" during a party with actors Stern and Heard. The trio then brainstormed a movie idea around the word, Abbott wrote up an extreeemely rough draft (he'd never written a screenplay before), and it ended up on the slush pile of producer Andrew Bonime.

Bonime tried to get Abbott to polish the script, but was never satisfied with the rewrites (partially due to Abbott's inexperience), and took the screenplay away from Abbott, giving it to writer Parnell Hall.

Bonime had picked up the project partially because Abbott could get Daniel Stern and John Heard to star. (Heard and Stern have worked together in a number of movies over the years, including 'Home Alone I & II' and 'The Milagro Beanfield War'.)

The two actors agreed to work for scale plus a percentage of the profits, but insisted that Christoper Curry be hired to play the part of Police Detective Bosch, and that Douglas Cheek be hired as director. This didn't sit well with Bonime, but he agreed and the movie was produced.

Stern and Heard were not happy with what had been done to their friend's original script, and did their own page re-writes and ad-libs, which director Cheek left in the final cut. Bonime insisted that a shower scene with actress Kim Griest be written in, which Stern, Heard, and Cheek still complain about, 17 years later, on the DVD's audio commentary.

However, the unedited version of the shower scene (with Griest's body double) appears as an easter egg on the DVD. (From the main menu, click on Extras. At the top of the Extras menu is 'Trailer'. Click the Up button on your remote, and the eyes of the C.H.U.D. in the background will be highlighted. Click Enter, and the 'Unabridged Scene' will play.)

Despite, or perhaps because of, the civil war on the set, C.H.U.D. is a pretty decent horror relic from the 80's. Watch the movie first, then listen to Stern, Heard, Curry, Cheek, and Abbott do a hilarious commentary track. Stern boos and hisses when Parnell Hall's name comes on the screen. You'll find out that most of the cast are wives, sisters, or good friends with Stern and Heard. You'll learn how they wanted the monsters to look, and much more. And they really have fond, funny memories of the film, despite all the turmoil.

As a counterpoint to their comments, producer Andrew Bonime set up a website, telling his own side of the story.

Don't miss sitcom stars John Goodman and Jay Thomas in bit parts as extremely unlucky cops, during the movie's last half hour. This scene was placed at the end of the movie during its theatrical release, but has been moved to its correct sequence for the DVD.

I rate the movie, 'C.H.U.D.' a 6; with the commentary track running, it's easily an 8 or 9. Best cut-ups since the MST3K 'bots.

First starring role for Light Heavyweight Kickboxing Champion Don "The Dragon" Wilson, 'Bloodfist' is worth every penny of the $4.95 I spent on the bargain DVD.

Forget the critics. This is one of Roger Corman's earliest ventures into the martial arts genre, and, like much of the Corman library, there's lots of respectable bang for the few bucks spent on the production.

First, let's get past the name thing. Wilson has taken some smirks in the media for adding "The Dragon" to his name. But the man was just being pragmatic. I mean, do you remember the other Don Wilson? The paunchy, bulldog-jowled, middle-aged announcer on the old Jack Benny Show? Prior to 'Bloodfist', he was the only Don Wilson anyone had ever heard of in showbiz.

Would you have lined up at the box office for a martial arts movie starring that guy?

The Set-up: Wilson's half-brother is a prizefighter in a shady Manila fight club who ends up dead after winning a fixed fight.

Cut to Wilson back in sunny Southern Cal, who promptly explains to a bunch of grade school field trippers that he runs a gym, but does not box professionally because HE ONLY HAS ONE KIDNEY. He donated the other to his (late) half-brother. This begs the question: Why was the brother fighting? One assumes that he also had one kidney (the donated one), unless Wilson generously gave one of his away because he felt his brother should have two ...?

As in the best Corman films, the action takes over fast, and the field trip isn't even out of the building before Don gets the call that his brother's dead.

The Dragon hops the next thing smokin' to the Philippines, officially to claim the body, but I can't help thinking that in the back of his mind, Don didn't wonder just a little about getting that kidney back. Imagine his disappointment when the Manila officials open a green file cabinet and hand him an urn. Full of his brother's ashes. Including at least one powdered kidney. Nothing left but revenge, since we're already here.

Wilson promptly picks up a painter-slash-kickboxing trainer, a party animal-slash-kickboxer roommate, and a translator-slash-exotic dancer love interest. Which brings us to actress Riley Bowman, who plays the love interest. Where did this woman go? 'Bloodfist' was not only her first, but also her last movie. And Riley exhibited ... ample ... uh ... skills. Exactly the type of open-minded, halfway-talented actress that Corman employed again and again and again in his New Horizon and Concorde flicks. What a loss.

Oh, well. Back to the action. You get a great selection of tournament adversaries for Wilson, who also double as suspects in his brother's murder.

There's a little twist to the ending, tantamount to Burgess Meredith whupping the daylights out of Rocky Balboa.

Better than 'Swamp Women'. Close to the pleasures of 'Attack of the Giant Leeches' or the first remake of 'Not of This Earth' (the Traci Lords one). No self-respecting Corman fanatic should be without a copy of this. 'Bloodfist' is worth a B-movie 5 out of 10.

A respectable drive-in flick deserving of its long shelf life. Recommended only to fans of the B-movie genre, Phantom contains all the cheesy elements that make these movies so much fun.

There are a couple of inaccuracies in the title -- 1) for a Phantom, the creature manages to get spotted by everybody who even goes out on the water (all in the same rowboat, by the way; there must have been a 'No motors' sign posted for this ocean), and 2) the only way to go 10,000 Leagues under the ocean is horizontally, not vertically. As it is, this creature was always close enough to the surface to spot that unlucky rowboat every blinkin' time. People always screamed bloody murder whenever that rowboat tipped over, too, as if they knew a monster was doing it. Usually, when I tip my canoe over, I just shout something unprintable here -- but from now on, I'll suspect the Phantom, and scream appropriately.

The sets in this movie show the sad lack of budget that AIP always handed their directors. Lots of ceiling to floor curtains in the background, even hiding the mad professor's Top, Top Secret Death Ray Project. The entire College of Oceanography set consisted of the outer secretary's office (where the professor always took off his suit coat to put on his lab coat), and the professor's locked inner lab (where he always promptly took off the lab coat he had just put on, and changed into his radiation suit, apparently to protect him from rads given off by the Top, Top Secret Death Ray behind the flimsy curtain. When leaving the lab, the professor dutifully put on the lab coat again to walk through the door to the outer office, where he once again changed to his suit coat. I'll bet that lab coat never had to be washed.)

The real bucks were spent on the set of the Professor's beach house, where three doors were required -- one to enter from the outside, one to the Professor's bedroom, and one to the bathroom for the obligatory hubba-hubba shower scene of the Professor's daughter, Lois.

Lois is a bright spot in this picture. Not only does she take showers, but she also falls in love with the dashing scientist-turned-federal investigator, Ted Stevens. Lois listens to a lot of Ted's investigator stuff, and a whole lot of her father's mad scientist deathless dialogue (boy, can that guy mangle metaphors!). But mostly, Lois lounges. She lounges in the cabana chairs in front of her home, and she manages to be the only lounger on a totally deserted beach, but still gets stepped on by Investigator Ted, who happens to be looking the other way, where he just saw the Phantom.

Lois must get pretty tired of listening to Dad, because she doesn't shed a whole lot of tears when Phantom and Daddy pieces come blasting out of the ocean at the climax. Probably, she's wondering how she can get Investigator Ted to go back down there with a tackle box of dynamite, too. Then it'll be no more listening to exposition, and back to the lounging for Lois. As long as she doesn't do it in that snakebit rowboat.

The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues gets a respectable B-Movie 4 out of 10.

This movie has the makings of a cult favorite, mainly because it refuses to be a crowd pleaser. The audience actually has to work at following the story's build-up. Unfortunately, many want their movies to be purely spectator sport, and will leave the theatre with less than Suspect Zero had to offer them.

This is one of those movies that gets better with a second viewing, giving the watcher a chance to pick up subtleties that are obscured when one is trying to ride a complex plot to its resolution.

Director Merhige does an excellent job with atmosphere (who knew it rained so much in the desert of New Mexico?)and keeps the moviegoer as off-balance as Aaron Eckhart's FBI agent trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle that is literally nationwide.

The storyline itself is a great premise, and unfolds nicely. It's too bad that previews and word-of-mouth gave away so much of the plot. If we could have been drawn into the FBI's original theory that Ben Kingsley was the dangerous serial killer-at-large, then each successive revelation would have been that much more effective.

As it is, Suspect Zero is a solid, even innovative story, with fine performances by Kingsley as the driven catalyst, Eckhart as the straight-looking FBI agent trying to live down a past mistake while trying to understand his own haunted psyche, and the underrated Carrie-Anne Moss as the agent walking a razor's edge between supporting her partner and getting dragged down again by his obsessions.

What has been lost to many critics is the comparison of the true serial killer of the piece to a force of nature. The allusions to the '50-foot shark' in the movie evoked other killing machines from Steven Spielberg's 'Jaws' and 'Duel'. The fact that, in the end, the true Suspect Zero was almost non-descript reinforces his threat as a cruel, random killing force.

The movie also satisfies a darker sense of justice within us. Just as Hannibal Lecter preys on the 'free-range rude', here we have an avenger who is willing to meet the serial killer at his own animal level. Who doesn't feel relief and triumph when the killer/rapist of an early scene gets what he deserves, just in the nick of time?

For me, Suspect Zero rates 8 out of 10.