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Alien: Isolation

Nothing much works here.
Since we got here, the ship has actually improved in condition, minus some fire damage.

This game marks the first time a company got alien right since 1986. This is the game I wanted back before colonial marines came out, something based on the first film, because it was sickening playing as a colonial marine for 6 different games in a row.

The plot/game-play: Amanda Ripley wants a flight recorder, that is it. The human characters are uninspired, they are killed off as quickly as they appear, and you couldn't care less. The homicidal working Joes are far more interesting beings. The survivors aboard the ship serve little to no purpose, and add little substance to the overall story.

The style of game-play is a breath of fresh air, stealth, survival, and tactics. While they are implemented well enough, it still suffers the genres age old flaw, questionable Ai. It really takes away from the experience when you go up against humans with a flare and win, especially once they start questioning the flare on who's there. The alien Ai also has some problems, I like how it sort of has a mind of it's own when it is tracking you, but that doesn't stop it from being predictable. When you first go up against the alien, it is heart racing and intense, that is until you figure out how to avoid it. I found myself crouch walking through levels without the alien even showing up. Even just quickly analyzing your area, you can tell where the alien can and can't go. That is unless the game decides to spawn the alien right on top of you, or have the alien jump up into the vents, then jump down again, then jump right back up the same vent. Or literally have the alien spawn behind you in a vent, physically push you out, and then kill, all while you're wondering what just happened. This game relies heavily on beginners traps, you have to pay extra attention to what's in front of you to attempt to avoid them. On the final missions they really start to throw them at you. The quest objectives them selves consist of flipping switches, pulling levers, turning stuff on and off, and powering stuff up, yeah sounds gripping.

I advise not using your firearms until near the end of the game, most of the game you can get by just using stealth, maintenance jack, Emps and stun rods. And I recommend you don't even bother using the revolver at all, it is completely worthless. Conserve your flamer fuel by using Molotov's instead. And lastly, the greatest weapon, the motion tracker, never not use it.

Graphics/sound: Surprisingly grade A sound and graphic design, this game replicates alien in tone and atmosphere. But the human characters models look like complete garbage, and really stand out compared to the rest of the beautifully rendered game.

Longevity: I completed the game in around 13 hours, but I had the gift of foresight so that trimmed the time down. The DLC so far has been nothing lasting, you play it once and you're done. The survivor challenges aren't even worth doing since it doesn't add to the experience. I'm a bit sad right now because I want to keep playing this game, but they didn't implement any content to keep you playing. I hate to be saying this but, even a player vs. player multi-player mode featuring the working Joes or alien would have been welcome. But I'm sure there will be more single player DLC, and I look forward to it.

Imagine Me & You

I despise this film.
This film is trash, one of the worst I've seen in a while. It's messages and morals are messed up. Men are horribly portrayed in this film, for second I thought it was made by a feminist. Ned is dominated by his viscous wife, cooper is a shallow sex fiend, and heck is used and tossed aside in a millisecond. The woman on the other hand are portrayed as whimsical, with whimsical music playing as they are committing adultery, while the man is emotionally distressed at home. I hate Rachel she somehow becomes an instant lesbian, and flirts with another woman on her wedding day, then continues to go out with her while her husbands at home. Heck is backed into a corner, and is forced to leave her, she doesn't even give two sh-ts about his feelings and the amount of pain he is going through. She just runs off to another woman with whimsical music playing, while Heck cries on a rooftop. This film made me think back on films, every time a woman cheats on a man, it is deemed okay, but if a male character were to cheat on a woman, he is deemed as the most vile human on earth and should die.

This film sucks, it's a real " you go girl, show that man whose boss" type of film.


A crowd pleaser, but not what we were hoping for.
10 years, I've waited ten years for this, there was no way it could live up to the hype. This is all I have been doing the last 2 months, scouring the internet for Godzilla this and Godzilla that. I see why people are complaining about this film, and nitpicking ever inch. This was supposed to be the standard for any monster film to come. But the little snots who cry because this was supposed to be a masterpiece of cinema, it's Godzilla, what did you expect. I have viewed this film three times already, so let's get into it.

Audience reactions: The Thursday crowd didn't show much excitement. But the Friday group was going bananas, they cheered and clapped three times, it was a sold out theatre doing this, that is the first time I had ever seen that happen.

The story: It's a very well laid out structure, all be it a little rushed. The first hour sets everything up, it's slow. But once the Muto breaks free, the film is lightning fast, forget time relevance or pacing. The monster madness happens so fast that you don't get time to savour it. The last 30 minutes was rushed beyond belief, the entire city is destroyed in like 30 minutes real time. The pacing really is the biggest down fall of this film. You get nothing, then they tease you, then nothing, then they tease you, they you get everything, but you missed it. This is why you need to see it a second time, it actually improves when viewed again.

Characters/monsters: I forgot about Bryan Cranston just about as fast as the film did. Aaron Johnson was alright, Olsen was good. Ken didn't have much to do besides his( nature, Godzilla) love speech. Sally Hawkins is virtually unnoticeable. And David, he's alright. This film should have been called Muto, they have the most screen time and character development in the film. Who am I forgetting.... I know there is something missing. Oh yeah Godzilla's in this, with all of his 15 minutes of screen time, but it is a glorious 15 minutes.

Effects: The effects are top tier, everything looks great. The most impressive effect goes to the Muto's, they look real good. Like real life good. The cinematography really makes these monsters look larger than life. Godzilla looks good for the most part, but I'm not used to seeing him move so fast. The sound design is really good. Godzilla's roar rocks the whole theatre.

Best scenes: Anything with the Muto's in it, the bridge scene, the climax. But the best scene is hands down one of the most well crafted pieces of cinema I have ever seen. The Honolulu scene, my Godzilla it was so well paced and shot, this scene alone is worth the price of admission.

Notes: It's worth checking out for the casual viewer, I don't see why people wouldn't enjoy it. The action is great, the set pieces are great. And yes, this film is the best monster film since King Kong(2005), hey why not Jurassic Park, yes it is the best monster film since Jurassic park. After viewing this film for a third time, I have come to the conclusion that Gareth dropped the ball. Watch the teaser trailer, that is what I wanted, that is what the people needed. If he had just done that, and then done this film as a sequel, it would have been perfect. We really needed a film to set Godzilla up first.


4102 allizdog
I haven't written one of these in a while, expect some BS.

First I'd like to address the trailers, Hmm... I only remember the one, I guess I wasn't the only one in this boat. The audience gave some positive hype to it, the Youngin's are into it, I smell new life blood for Godzilla. For me personally, I wanted to cry because it was best thing I've experienced in a while, can't wait.

So now the film, it's Meh. It wasn't a total waste of money, but also wasn't money well spent. I'm only 18, it didn't effect me, but it effected the grown adult audience, that's not good. The two characters had only one set of emotions each. The sister was obsessed, the brother was snivelling. The beginning was boring, the middle got my attention, the 3rd act lost me completely. The two time lines running parallel was just awe-full, just show us what happens and stop trying to seem cool and brilliant, it sucks. There was no suspense or scares, or intelligent scares. Instead it used painful violence to try to put you at unease. And the whole unhappy ending, protagonist losing bit just doesn't work anymore. Same goes for the happy ending/fake out ending. The only way to get a solid reaction is to go out hard-core like.

Ghosts/scares: Sub par generic I guess, I mean I forget them already. The only part that came close to being disturbing was the mom being mutilated and chained up like a dog, but literally half a second later, and we see she is just possessed by a demon and has the intelligence of a house fly. Way to ruin that scare, I thought that was going to be some hard core stuff right there.

So that's Oculus... I think, I don't know I already forget it. It's a bad year for horror and this is the best so far, but the Godzilla trailer was awesome, go pay ten dollars to see that trailer on the big screen.


Modern action classic.
The more I watch this film, and the more modern action movies I see, I have to say this film is one of the best in the last ten years. Most action movies now are just dumbed down to a common level, with actors you don't remember, even SLY and Arnold's latest films were terrible. But this film just works, the setting, the visuals, the violent world with no hope for peace, and of course Dredd laying down the law. It's not over the top and goofy or in your face like Fast 5 or something. There's no dumb comedy reliefs, instead it's very subtle, most of which coming from Dredds reactions to his surroundings and his attitude. The action is well paced, the world is dark, the characters are believable, it all fits nicely. And there is no happy ending, just another day on the job, tomorrow will be the same, but Dredd will always lay down the law. This will be remembered as a classic, in time though.

Battlefield 4

DO NOT BUY THIS GARBAGE, anyone who says this is good is lying.
Don't even bother reading what this review says, just go straight to my list about this game, it contains all you need to know, COD GHOSTS IS MORE ENJOYABLE THAN THIS TRASHHEAP.

PS. The bf4 community is worse than the COD community ever was, take that into consideration. There are no BF glory days to be had here, move along.

Don't get me wrong, I played the sh-t out of BF throughout my life. Even though BF3 was technically bad by standards, but I played a lot of it. You see, when you try to expand upon CODS fan base, it brings in the idiots. And when you get the idiots on your team, YA DONE. The COD players pollute this franchise. But for the most time, the game was too damn easy. But the single player had some decent challenge and okay moments.

The campaign: There is two critical wrongs here. First, it's like three hours long, every thing happens too fast. You get put in prison, two minutes later you escape, you meet Dima, he's dead 20 minutes later. There is battles between the U.S., China and Russia, it gets resolved in a less than a week. There's twists, double cross's, civil war, and EMP's. And it all fly's past you faster than you can figure out what is going on. I mean, I like the plot and locations, but it feels rushed, at least BF3's story had some good pacing. It's still better than any thing COD has put out in the last 3 years. The second problem is, it is way too easy. Even on hard mode, you still just breeze through it. Give the kiddies a false sense of accomplishment I guess. I give it a 7 out of 10 stars, I enjoyed it, at least it was memorable, unlike half of the other 2013 games I bought. The soundtrack can be described as cool music that goes with causing mas destruction, it actually fits in very well with the games mood. I would have liked some instrumental versions of the songs as well, but oh well.

Multiplayer: This is where the 3.5 comes in. Maybe I haven't played enough of it yet, but the vehicles, guns, maps, and level up system are the exact same thing you have seen in BF3. Commander rarely ever makes a presence. Other than that, there is nothing new brought to the table. "Well what about counter knifing", all I do is mash the controller. I'm guessing the PS3 and 360 got BF3.5, and the PS4 got the real deal. Leveloution shines bright in Paracel storm, the whole map changes with the hurricane going on, it's a feast for the eyes. I give it a 7 out of 10.

Technical aspects: Is it just me, or does this game look worse than BF3 did. I mean, BF3 looked great when it was released, but this game just looks blah. The textures are range from beautiful down to downright atrocious. You remember what the game looked like in the trailer, yeah it looks nothing like that. The rain is this games highlight, I love the glare it makes when combined with the lighting. I guess I am just going to have to wait for the full experience when I get a PS4 in February. Another thing, this game seams to cause problems with my internet when I try to go online, sometimes I get signed out, and sometimes it tells me I can't connect to EA servers. There is a few minor problems with loading times, and strange glitches in the story mode. There are big pixelated blotches, and unloaded textures. Enemy soldiers fall through the floor so you can't kill them, and have to restart the checkpoint. One glitch, I fell down a pitfall and died, then I re-spawned all the way down where I fell, luckily it let me finish the mission.

I don't know what dices problem is with trying to copy and paste COD, and why do they refuse to make Bad company 3, was it not kiddie enough to be successful. So the game could be considered good, just nothing great. Still better than every other shooter that was released this year. I give it a 7.5 out of 10.


Call of Duty: Ghosts

Social Degen of duty: Ghost gets shot in the back
DON'T READ IF YOU ARE A CALL OF DUTY SOLDIER. I only bought this game so I could suffer through it's BS, that and I've been playing this franchise since 2004, it's kind of hard to just stop playing it. I get amused when people claim to be old school COD players when they started Black ops. Now, I have nothing good to say about this game, mainly because the god-amn thing doesn't work when ever I try to play it. Most of the issues from BLOPS 2 return, plus they had some other game breaking ones as well.

The story and survival: The story mode is almost as ridiculous as Homefront, it's your standard American fist bumping, teaching the kiddies to be patriotic and violent. The survival with aliens is flat out lack luster, zombies got old after two games, this got old after two minutes. Story gets 0 out of 5 stars. Survival gets I out of 5 stars. Off to a great start so far IW.

Multiplayer, the only reason anyone bought the game, which was a pretty weak reason to begin with. Here are the flaws I have discovered in the mear hour and a half I have played, or should I say, I could only play because it hasn't worked in two days. That IW, it's good to know the millions of people on PS3 don't deserve your exclusive platinum quality that you give to Microsoft. Flaws: 1. Maps are too damn big, and have no rhyme or reason. 2. This mans army is full of children. 3. The lag is the same old same old. 4. The graphics look like they are from 2008. 5. The single player is moronic and boring. 6. Not a single one of the faults I addressed below were even considered, except for the limp ass specialist. 7. Spawns are too close on the big maps, you always get shot in the back or spawn where you just died. 8. Same gun sound effects used in every other IW game. 9. Strip club map for the little 12 year olds to giggle at. 10. Dogs can kill you from ten feet away 11. Maps are thee worst in series history. 12. Every body hates it already. Besides the maps and camping, the biggest problem is IW has tailored this game for campers, it literally forces you to "adapt" to their new formula. Rushers get punisher, while MLG pro campers get rewarded.

Here's a paragraph from my "CoD ghosts sucks" list, it describes how the game plays for me. It's been two days of trying to get this game to work again, it worked on Friday, but hasn't worked since. Activision is a joke, same sh-t happens every year. But unlike the last fews years were I could actually join a match and play, this year it just freezes in the lobby right when the match timer runs out. When I enter kill confirmed, it freezes instantly. When I enter team death match, the lobby works just fine and I can hear people talking. The timer runs out, and it freezes. I've searched for hours on the internet for people with the same problems, there's a lot of them. Hell, my computer may have a virus now, all because this stupid ass game refuses to work. I'm stuck with this until February, no BF4, no Killzone Shadow Fall, just a 120 dollar game that doesn't work. How am I supposed to return a hardened edition, EB games won't take it back and give me a new one. Speaking of EB games, how many god damn times to I have to buy a game from them, that is either cracked or defective.

I have confirmed that all core COD fans have left already, and that all pre-MW3 fans don't give a sh-t any more. So that leaves factual evidence that 12 years olds are the only ones left, and the unfortunate adults that.... hide in corners and head glitch for a KD ratio IN A VIDEO GAME, WHAT DOES THAT GET YOU IN THE REAL.

If you want my full thoughts and rants about the game, go check out my list. As I am writing this, I am thinking of trying to go get the game to work, even though my efforts are futile. The game is a complete disaster, but the COD nerds will still defend it with their lives. Well, I'm off to go see if this game will work.

Nov. 13th/14th update: So I got the game to work on the 12th, and have put eight and a half hours in so far. The multi-player is broken beyond repair, you spawn and die within half a second at least a dozen times every hour, if it ain't that, you are probably just getting shot in the back. I play kill confirmed exclusively, since you can't very well count of getting kills, you minus well go for tags. And I consistently beast because nobody plays the objective. The guns suck, aside from the pump shoty and HB. There is barely anyone playing, I'm level 32 and am already rank 10'000 in the KC play-list. On the positive, it is more enjoyable than BLOPS 2, I love the Honey badger, Tar 21, and also spread my time through whatever garbage they through in. I haven't touched anything outside of AR and SMG categories, squad points are scarce, to bad you couldn't just unlock them as you progress. Stone Haven and Soveriegn are a snipers paradise, they just run around and quick scope you in a millisecond, or snipe you across map with an ACOD scope, same sh-t different year. I've only met one player who I had to battle with for 1st place on the scoreboard. He got the better k/d, but I always got more tags, so I claim victory.

Embrace of the Vampire

Godzilla says this movie sucks, and so do I.
So this is apparently a remake of some soft core porno, you know the industry stooped low when they are remaking porn. This movie is very boring, maybe it has to do with the one dimensional characters that ooze blandness every time I see them. Maybe it's to do with the fact that the first hour doesn't make any sense. Charlotte has issues, yeah okay. Maybe it has something to do with the WTF Pre credits scene, all I know is the film jumps back and forth between reality and dream land.

All that I got out of this film is college is a pretty gross place, the women are like some torture masters. They haze fresh-mens by forcing them to strip and drink hard liquor, and if they don't comply, they are beaten. And if that's not the worst part, Charlotte is molested by some lesbian rapist, this right here showcases the soft core source material, that and about a dozen other sex and nude scenes. Then she's got this pervert co-worker breathing down her neck, he gets touchy feely and even stalks her. At this point the film showcases how unlikable all of the characters are. So Charlotte succumbs to the basic human need for sex, and lets Chris(her co worker) do the deed. But he gets killed before he can do it, was I supposed to care, I'll admit I laughed a little. At this point in the film it's pretty much twilight with all the love and BS drama between the girls and boys. So when will this end, oh another 20 minutes, I'll just skip to the end. And that's it, she kills the vampire and has a good cry, because she is going to be the new vampire, or something like that.

It's a terrible film straight from Canada, I knew that before the credits ended, it had a Canadian feel to it. I gave it a 1 out of 10, more so because it wasted my time, every thing about it is bad, and it's just a bland and uninteresting story. Gunga Gee Ga Gunga, as Elpresador would say, it's terrible people.


Why is there a 5 year old in the theatre.
So I'm guessing this was remade because the of the surge of teen bullying that is going on in the news, so they thought it was time for an update. Too bad they didn't update it one bit huh. You know, they should have remade it, instead of following the original in every way shape and from. This is a pointless film, why was it made. They reuse the same scenes, same dialogue, no matter how goofy and dated it is. What was the deal with them putting that montage in this film, why would they put that in there.

The teenagers in this film are so Hollywood, Chris is like the god*amn devil, she is evil incarnate. And the whole prom theme, do the kids even care about that in this day and age, I don't know that's an American thing. And the whole teacher bullying Carrie, is this for real, I have never ever seen a teacher bully or allow bullying to a student. Every single thing in this film is complete garbage, except our two leads. Mortez was very good as Carrie, but the problem with that is, she pretty much just copied Sissy Spacek's performance. She was good, but I have seen it done before, and much better at that. But I still did feel her pain, and felt bad about what happened to her. Her reaction to Tommy dying was much better here, than it was in the original. I never much cared for Mortez before, and never understood why people liked her, but considering this is the first time she has ever given a good performance, I don't have a problem with her anymore. But the one who steals the show is Julianne Moore, she surpasses the original Margret White in my opinion. When she first appeared at the school after the incident, I could just feel her presence. The gym teacher was much weaker in this film, she didn't sit right with me.

Overall, the film is very disappointing, they had a huge opportunity to update this properly to fit with modern society. But no, it plays out as if it were still in the 70's. It has it's high and lows, but it was enjoyable. But the reality is, you could just stay at home and the original, or the tormented, or anything about this subject matter for dirt cheap.

Gamera 3: Jashin kakusei

Best Kaiju film, uh no.
I was surprised about how much people praise this film, I just finished viewing it, and I'm not that impressed. "Well you just didn't get the superb plot". Oh I got it, I just think it's stupid. Ayana somehow lifts a immovable stone, which causes some tentacle monster to hatch. So she raises it with the intent of sending it after Gamera. Was I supposed feel some sort of emotion when the characters and story progress. One, Iris looks cool, but frankly isn't a huge threat. Maybe for a little kid Iris will stir up some tension, but I didn't see any danger. And I was right, because he just gets his stomach ripped open in one punch, and is down for the count.

The plot was very sub par for a trilogy final. This film pretty much goes like this: 40 minutes of set up, 1 hour and 20 minutes until some thing happens, and 1 hour and 47 minutes of MEH-NESS. Seriously, you wait almost an hour and a half for like 2 minutes worth of monster fighting. What's the point of them putting three different monsters in this film, and have no fight scenes. It feels almost like they wanted to make a good movie, instead of a monster movie, I watched this to see monsters blow sh-t up, not some BS revenge story that is completely ridiculous.

I feel as if I should address the scene where Ayana offers herself. It's like some Japanese hentai. Let me repeat her words " Iris, I'm so hot(as she opens her blouse), what...HAHAHAHAHA? Then Iris grabs her with his tentacles. What was the deal with that, HAHAHAHAHA, I can't stop laughing. Oh yeah, the subtitles for this film are atrocious, you miss half of the dialogue because it doesn't even show up on the screen. But it is nowhere near as bad as the Godzilla vs. Megalon DVD, they pretty much just changed the dialogue for that.

I may not think to highly of this film, but that doesn't mean it's bad, it's actually very well made for a monster movie. But other than the quality, the 90's Godzilla films are much more enjoyable and fun to watch. This film is very violent, I would compare it to Godzilla vs. Destoroyah with the amount of carnage, but this film goes more into graphic detail, which is surprising.

I didn't care about any of the characters, the plot was just fine, there was no action, and it was genuinely unpleasant. But I still recommend watching it you like monster movies.

A Night in the Woods

The queen of toxic women.
This movie is horrible, the characters are despicable, it's not even scary. Let me tell you the two biggest problems with this film, these two problems that pretty much ruined the whole film.

Problem 1: Kerry, the girlfriend to Brody, and I also guess to Leo too. The first few minutes we see her, I knew she was no good and was sleeping around. That's one thing, but she brings Leo( her other lover) on her boyfriends camping trip. She then continues to ignore Brody, and treat him like he is the bad guy. But that still isn't it, when Brody goes off into the woods, she takes Leo into the tent and begins having sex with him. But little miss prince throws Leo away too. And now she is all mad, and upset. But that still isn't it, when Brody tries to take her safely out of the woods, she stabs him to death, then cries for him to come back. Kerry is one of thee worst female characters in horror history, you just can't wait for her to get her come up-ins, but we don't even get to see it.

Problem 2: There is maybe about two minutes of exposition about the woods, and it isn't even well done. We have no fear, or understanding of what is happening because it doesn't even set up the horror properly. Compare that to The Blair Witch Project, we get tons of background history and stories about the woods, and the witch. We know to be afraid of the woods, and know it is a bad place to be. But here, we don't get jack. This movie focuses more on enraging you over an adulterer girlfriend, so don't care about 2/3rds of the characters, and we have no proper set up. This film fails so hard it's not even funny, I think they added the horror aspect as an after thought.

This movie is just a sad and anger fuelled mess. So as usual, stay away.

The Hills Run Red

Shield Shmield.
Short and sweet review: I've been meaning to watch this films for years now, but forgot about it. But turns out it's on ITunes, so I rented it. As far as recent slasher films go, this one is not bad. The plot is idiotic, the characters are worthless and despicable, they really ruffled my spirit, I'm looking at you Serina.

So, we open with Tyler, an obsessed horror fan, researching a lost horror film. His girlfriend comes in, and offers him sex. And like a complete beast, he tells her to go back to bed while he looks at his horror film. This comes into play, and bites him in the ass in a few minutes. Then we are introduced to his best friend, Tyler explains his plans to visit Alexa, the daughter of the director of the lost horror film. So he goes to find her, while his best friend goes to his friends girlfriends house, and then they adulterate. Yeah, guess who I don't want to make it through the film, these two. But that's not it, Serina tries to get the audience to feel sorry for her and root for her. She makes it out that Tyler is the bad guy, and she tries to guilt him. My god, this woman is toxic, she cheats on him, snuggles with his friend right in front of him, and she still eggs him on like they are still having a good relationship. Well she ends up getting it bad in the end. So now Tyler is with Alexa, and baby face is now on the hunt. I like the look of the doll mask and rotten jaw bone, he means business when he looks you in the eyes. It's strange, they play him off as someone like Jason Voorhees, but he actually speaks, quite eloquently at that. What a curve ball, but he never does it after that moment, it's really strange. The Tyler character was so obsessed with finding this lost film and it's secrets, but when he gets what he wants, he turns into a little Pansy, and changes his mind, and for once shows some concern for his girlfriend who he neglects. The best friend gets killed, baby face gets killed (turns out all you had to do was poke a stick through him, and no one ever tried that before huh). Tyler finally gets to watch his precious lost film. OH, yeah Serina was raped by baby face. So her fate is to be chained up in a barn for nine months until she gives birth to baby faces child. She got the short end of the stick, poor old Serina got it bad. She'll probably just give birth to the baby, and then be killed, that's terrible.

I can the film was watchable, and I'll probably watch it again in the future. It's worth a watch, it better than the Michael, Jason, and Freddy remakes, that's just sad.

Silent Night

Don't put avocado on the burger.
Malcolm McDowell, Jaime King, wood-chipper, this looks pretty good, or least can't be all that bad. Well, unfortunately it wasn't a good Ol'slasher time, more of a bore. Although there was a lot of goofy moments, this film still plays a little too serious.

The kills: Now I read about how violent this film was, showing a 14 year old girl getting killed and the wood chipper death, I was intrigued. The closest thing I could compare it to is My bloody valentine (2009), funny King was in that too. This is pretty much a Christmas themed version of that film. For the most part, it's pretty standard stuff. The only notable one being Maria fed into the wood chipper. At first it's pretty good set up, but once she is inside it gets disturbing real fast. I mean this poor young woman has to do porno just to get a paycheck and survive in this dying town. And she gets the worst and most painful death I have ever seen in a slasher film. This once pretty girl is now a pile of bloody pulp, there's a thought for you. And the 14 year getting killed was too over the top and goofy to be taken seriously. The head getting split in half looked good. And lastly a classic brass knuckle beat down.

The two leads: Surprisingly both of them didn't sit right with me, but they played there parts well enough. The supporting cast includes: Some Jay (form Jay and silent bob) wannabe, some old Grampa that does a William Dafoe impersonation, and a douche bag Santa that makes kids cry. Well I'll give them props for being memorable. But the killers motivation to become a serial killer was ridiculous. He kills people who have been naughty, that's the jest of it.

The film was rather dull, and hard to sit through. It wasn't bad, it just was exciting.


I want to shine a light.
I'll give asylum props for giving me a headache, this films color scheme is so bland and depressing, to the point I just wanted to shut it off. The editing and pacing was nauseating, it's just so random and pointless with what is happening on screen.

The story: We open the film in traditional asylum film, a nude woman being sacrificed to the devil. What was the point of this scene, I don't know. Then we head over to the 11 minute birth scene, with some devil minion meandering around. So in this sequence we see him kill some random lady who just gave birth, wow that is cold. The birthing scene was too drawn out and unfocused, and do we really need to see the crowning, come on. So the baby is born, and it strangles the doctor and nurse with it's umbilical cord. And they take the baby home, and...well lets just get this over with fast. Nudity, nudity, baby preforming cunnilingus on mom, husband dies, baby is taken away. There, you got it, because I don't.

So the woman moves in with her bipolar sister. The minion somehow followed them there. And from this point on, every one and everything just dies. It's not even worth getting into because it just too out there. The husband is never talked of again, the detective always has a lollipop in his mouth when ever you see him. There is no rhyme or reason.

This movie so bad I don't even want to write this review, because I then would have to remember what happened.

The Purge

Thee worst film I have ever seen.
Oh my god, this is the most frustrating piece of sh-t I have ever had to sit through. There was at least four different times I just wanted to shut it off, and break something. I'll come right out and say never ever buy this film, even if you could get it for 99 cents, it is not worth that. I'm going to use the R word, even if people get sensitive over it. If you have seen this movie, than you'll understand why.

The actions/characters: The school girl daughter put's her family in danger because she wants to get laid. The son puts his family in danger because he has a 12 IQ. The mother puts the family in danger because she is the most useless piece of sh-t this side of the San Andreas. The father is the only rational one, but even he succumbs to his family's p-ssy face nature. Seriously, they live in a ultra violent world, and all they worry about is green peace. I have never screamed so loud and so viciously at a film in my entire life, but these characters had me pulling out my hair. The whole film centers on them having to hand over a bum to the strangers wannabes, even when they tie the bum up, they cry like babies about it. They would rather die to psychopaths, than hand over some bum they have never seen before. This is a world of Psychopaths, people cut for survival, or wimpy losers. And that whole family were a bunch of babies. They even got involved with a death plot by their neighbours who try to kill them. But the bum comes back and saves them and turns the tide. What do they do, let them walk. Yeah, your destroyed house and dead husband must be thrilled about that choice. That wife needed a good smacking from Ethan Hawke, same with the boy, and the daughter, even that stupid little robot needed some too.

This was the dumbest, most idiotic, piece of trash I have ever seen, and I have watched a lot of Asylum films, wow. And you want to know the worst part about it, there's going to be a sequel. Hands down thee worst main stream horror film of 2013, congratulations. I give it a 0 out of 10 stars.

Curse of Chucky

What a piece of....Trash
When I first heard this was coming out, I got a little excited. I love Chucky, and the more Chucky, the more better. These films have always been bad, mostly on purpose. But this film is just plain bad. It tries to actually be a horror film straight up, but that also is the down fall of the whole film. Bride and seed were the height of the character, you wanted him to succeed. But here, I actually didn't like him, wow these writers ****ed up hard. Chucky is my favourite horror character, but I hate him here. He's is not funny, he is certainly not scary. It's a travesty.

The plot sets up a big house with a lot of people in it. You'd think it would have a cozy Friday the 13ish feeling, but no, the characters are all seem to hate each other, and there is little development or interaction. They are lifeless, and don't say they are like that because of the dead mother, she never comes up again after the opening, no one seems to care. The film for the most part is relatively boring, and when Chucky finally does come out to play, he is never likable. The kills are few and far between, they are never worth the wait. Considering I bought the unrated version, I thought it was going to be pretty violent, but no. I don't know, maybe it was for the better, considering horror films these days going over board with the violence. This felt tame like the first three films.

The plot twist, this was another huge gripe with the film. I know Charles Lee Ray was a psychopath, but him wanting to be a family man, what? What about Tiffany, considering how much she liked him, why would he be going after some random middle class family. These flashback scenes really disturb me for some reason, I don't approve of them at all.

The dual endings. The ending for Nica was idiotic. The police believe that a woman in a wheelchair could possible do the things she was charged with, is just stretching the BS to unbelievable lengths. What about Alice, she could vouch for Nika. The fact that they even have the same Chucky doll that has caused so much carnage over the years sitting in the courtroom, and nobody, not one person believes Nika, yeah okay. Then there is the after credits ending for Andy. More of a fan service considering it doesn't make any sense. Before the credits rolled Chucky was transferring his soul into Alice, without the pendant I may add. So did he transfer or not, why was he still a doll when Andy took care of him with a shotgun. Why is Tiffany still working with him, where is Glen during all of this, why doesn't Chucky bleed when he gets hurt. Why? WHY? WHYYY? It's a very bitter disappointment to the franchise. I still recommend viewing it for yourself, to form your own opinion.


You will come to know, when the bullet hits the bone.
Short and sweet review.

So there are have been numerous cases of teen suicide in the news over the last few years. No one likes bullies, but does that make it okay to murder them in cold blood.

The characters: The characters were alright, they seamed to bully just because they saw it as a joke. They weren't psychotic, or evil. They were just stupid kids having "fun". Justine was a half way decent character, she was hurtful without realizing it. Marcus was somewhat likable idiot. Bradley reminded me Travis Van Winkle, you know he always plays the douche bag, they were almost identical. And that's all I remember of them.

The Mullet: Now this guy comes off as more of a psychopath. From what I made of this character, he was a creeper. He seamed to have an unhealthy obsession with Justine, even though clearly he should leave it alone and be contempt with his situation. Teens don't understand that being bullied in high school is awe full, but it will pass. I doubt he would have got over it with his introverted and shy way of being. Kids see him as a easy target, I don't know, maybe he should have done something about it. I don't understand teenagers, so I don't know what I am trying to say without offending sensitive people. Be tough, is all I can say.People knew better than to mess with me, where as if people messed with a weaker person, they would have no resistance. You gotta be one MEEANNN Mutha to make it in these type of situations.

The theme: So the theme is, if your being bullied, fantasize about how you'll kill them. I mean, these bullies were clearly terrified the whole time. Teach them a lesson, assert dominance, don't brutally stalk and murder them. I never faced bullying, so I can't speak for the subject.

Overall, the movie poorly made, especially about such a touchy and serious subject matter. The film is too comedic and upbeat, it doesn't work or convey any positive message. And quite possibly made by someone who experienced such treatment, and had such thoughts.


This franchise died fast.
Dog cam, check. Zombie cam, check. Eyeball cam, check. Garbage film, check.

VHS had it's moments, I liked it. It was a neat little anthology film, but it was a bad movie in every way, shape and form. Well people seemed to like this one, so I thought it was going to be better. But no, people don't know what they are talking about.

Prolouge: We get a weak setup with some private detective filming a overly graphic sex scene. His new assignment, find some introvert that holds obviously doesn't interact with any one, but people seam to know when he is extra reclusive. So these two investigators break into his home, and start watching his VHS tapes for some reason. The script probably took 3 days to write, the actors must have just been pulled off the street. I had Breaking bad playing in the background on AMC, it was good to have on, because this movie was incredibly boring. Here we go.

Segment 1: As soon as this began, I knew the movie was going to suck. Some guy gets a robotic camera eye installed into his head. Little does he know, it will cause him to see dead people. Huh, that sounds familiar, Oh yeah "The Eye" already did that. So this guy hides in the bathroom every time he gets scarred, and the ghosts never go after him in there, and they only show up at night, so he could just sleep in the bathroom. There problem solved guy, or you could just blindfold yourself. But no, he lets some random chick into his house. She blabs about how she has the same problem. Her uncle shows up, and the only way to get rid of him is for her to rape the guy with the camera eye. The second she put hers hands on her clothes, my eyes rolled to the back of my head, of course they had to put this in, whatever. So long story short, they die in a couple of hours, thee end. 1 OUT OF 5.

Segment 2: I kind of liked this one. Zombie cam, it's more of a comedy rather than horror. It had some funny moments, but also had the weakest characters and script. I'll give it a past just on the fact we get to see through the zombies eyes. 3 out of 5.

Segment 3: Frankly I wasn't even paying attention to this for the first half. The second half picked up very well. It had some good moments, but the payoff was laughable. The demon seamed like it was going to be cool, but when they showed it in full, it just some stupid ass goat monster. I give it a 2 out of 5.

Segment 4: Okay, this one was pretty bad, how could they mess up aliens in a secluded area. Well they put dumb kids, Tomas the train engine ships, and dog cams in this. The sound quality is terrible, those little kids are disturbed. I felt bad for that poor sister, she gets hit water balloons with urine in them, her brothers are watching her have intercourse with her boyfriend. Incestual brothers are the worst, ask that chick from "The Funhouse". And if that wasn't bad enough, they show some 15 year old kid ******* off to porn. At this point I turned over to the TV, and watched Jessie break down in group therapy. Then they aliens chase them around. Why do aliens want a bunch of kids, who knows. And the segment ends with a dog going splat. Yeah, that was terrible. 0 out of 5.

Epilouge: So the guy they were looking for has become some supernatural being, and kills the two investigators.

Wow, what a pile of garbage. The nudity had been toned way down here, thank you. The violence is even more over the top. Everything else pretty much stayed the same, except for any originality or creativity. Well deserving of a 3 out of 10. It's watchable, but that doesn't mean you'll like what you see.

Grand Theft Auto IV

I don't like it, but I can't deny it.
Looking back at this after finishing GTA 5, I can't help but think about how it does not hold up anymore. Don't get me wrong, back in 2008 this was a phenomenal game, second place behind Fallout 3 of course. Let's look in both directions, this game is sandwiched between San Andreas and GTA 5(going off of major console releases). San Andreas was is the biggest game in Playstation or Xbox history, the game had fun, fast and varied missions, even if they weren't based in reality. Where as GTA 4 was slow, realistic, and bland.

The game play: Back in 2008, it's controls were very unfamiliar, it was sluggish and heavy. It did take a while to warm up to it, now I wouldn't have it any other way. For an open world game, the graphics were out of this world, the rain effects and glare from street lights were something I haven't seen before. The physics in this game made for a lot of wacky stunts, I liked it. The driving didn't suffer from the 180 spin out BS that GTA 5 put in place. And as before, Liberty city still is a gloomy place, it worked in GTA 3 and Liberty city stories. I love gloomy and cloudy environments, but here it didn't sit right. I another complaint I have is how dark the city gets, even with the brightness at max, it is still hard to maneuver through alleyways. This game implements a cover system, even though games like The Godfather and Scarface beat them to it. The cellphone, okay this was genius, I'll give them that. Overall, it was a leap forward for the series.

The missions/story: Here is where I draw a huge complaint. It's flat, boring and I really dislike it now that I am looking back at it. But hey, that didn't stop me from playing through it three times. There is one mission, the highlight if you will. The bank heist, this was the big moment, even though it's at the halfway mark. After that I was just bored out of my mind, it was just a chore to play, I'd rather just go drive around and act like it's real life. Then the money comes into play, oh 250 000 dollars , there's really not much I can do with that. Just like at the end of LCS, it gives you 500K, but there's no point in having it. I used cheats, it trivialized the game, I probably shouldn't have done them, but hey.

The leisure: Bowling, darts, strip club, hanging out with friends, no thanks. Especially when they phone every 20 minutes, and you need to do it in order to level up there trust level. There is even virtual dating and the internet. But I prefer driving around and listening to the radio for hours on end. Some of these radio DJ'S and commercials are just laugh out loud funny. The TV is another good source of laughter. I will admit all of these elements make for a much more enjoyable experience.

The characters: I remember Brucie, Michele, and Roman. The rest of them slip my memory banks. And of course, don't forget Lazlow, he returns as well. I would like to know if the Lazlow in GTA 5, is the same Lazlow as the one in here and LCS. I don't know if it was a blessing that Niko was never in any real threat, you know he was going to come out on top when introduced to trouble, except for the end of the game. I split on if I think it was a right move or a poor one. In short, this one is lacking in memorable characters.

So after all that, I will say it is a very well made game. Every category is top quality in terms of effort. But the missions are bland and forgettable, compared to vice city or San Andreas or even GTA 5, it really can not hold it's own. I don't like it, but damn is it a good game.

Grand Theft Auto V

The setup is a beast song.
I've been playing GTA for a long time now, they all featured the same format and play style, point a to point b. None of the games raised the bar as high as this game. The biggest improvement is the story, I felt previous games were more enjoyable when you're a blood lust madman, but this games story was addicting unlike any other. I love great stories, and this one is one of the finest of the generation. I'll talk a little about the mechanics, but mostly about the story and characters. The main story will take you around 24 hours to complete, pretty standard. I did it over the weekend, three days of noon till midnight.

The game play: It's pretty much GTA 4 style controls aside from a few innovations. You can actually customize weapons in this game, considering games like "Scarface the world is yours" had this way back when, it's too little too late, but appreciated. The stats boasts for characters is back. The graphics are almost identical to Red Dead Redemption, aside from the facial animations, here they can pull off more realistic expressions. The feature to switch between characters at almost any point is a great new mechanic. Got nothing to do, lets go see what Trevor is up to, oh he's throwing someone off the side of an overpass, cool. I haven't noticed any new cars yet, in fact they took away my favourite car, the black Sabre GT. And finally an open world game that allows property purchase, if you can make the money the business is yours. But 150 million for a golf course is a ridiculous amount to earn. The map is about the same, if not bigger than Red Dead. You spend most of your time just driving though. The game does look beautiful at times, especially when you factor in night time or when it's lightly raining. The game physics are nothing new, but it does frustrate me to unbelievable levels when the cars spin out from hitting a pebble. The animations for Chop, are probably the best for any dog in a video game. The presentation is double that of previous entry's. I'll add some more here when it comes to mind.

The missions: Wow, they really improved the missions ten fold. There some big set piece moments that are great, without distracting you from the game. I can only remember one mission from GTA 4, the bank heist. But here there were at least a dozen. The heist at the bay town, was crazy. Securing a prisoner from atop the FIB headquarters, while switching characters, was a brief but memorable moment. Sometimes it's just the dialogue or actions from the characters can make a mission. My favourite was Family reunion with Michael and his family. But there were a few times it got disturbing. When Trevor is sneaking around The Lost's trailer park killing them, and the whole thunderstorm going on at the time, it's just great. The torture sequence of the prisoner was a bit out of place though.

The characters: I'm just going with the three main protagonists. I liked all three of them, even when Trevor is being a psychopath, it's hard not to like him. Franklin was the most stable out of all of them. Michael seams to have been based off of Michael Madsen, even down to the way he walks. Trevor is the most memorable, one of the best characters in the franchise, even probably best character of the year. He's a madman in ever way shape and form. The banter between M and T is all over the place, one second it's a nice moment, and the next they are at each others throats. The writing is really well done most of the time, but there was a few moments that didn't sit right. I was appalled there was even an option to kill Trevor and Michael.

Now I have only played through the single player missions, so that's all I can say for the game. I haven't done any of the side missions, leisure activities, or even watched TV. That will be added in here once I have completed those. Is it game of the year, well it's a close second to The Last Of Us, both of these had phenomenal stories and characters, but TLOU played my emotions much harder. Anyone that gives this anything lower than a 9 is just kidding themselves, Rock-star put years of hard work into this game, every aspect is top notch, aside from two glitches that required a mission start over. It is by far the best GTA game ever, it raised the bar, and set a new precedent of quality.

The Amityville Haunting

Lori, I'm sorry, Lori.
Prolouge: So we open with some dumb ass kids breaking into a house, to do what you might ask, well sex of course. Guess what, they get killed, hilarious movie, hilarious. They leave behind their iPhone with video of their deaths.

Act 1 So a generic family moves in to the crime scene house. And of course there is a kid filming every thing. Heres my problem so far, the kid has already recorded supernatural events, and two people die in their first day in the house. And nobody thinks something funny is going on, oh yeah, and it's incredible stupid. Another thing you notice right off the bat, the camera keeps getting distorted and keeps making a ringing noise. That literally happens throughout the rest of the film, talk about annoying. There is a lot of pointless 30 second scenes here as well. But our main character ,Tyler is the biggest loser I have ever seen. He can't act even if his life was on the line. And he also video tapes his sister while she is getting naked, what an incestuous little freak. Then we are led to the back door opening segment.

Act 2 Yes, this back down is literally the only thing that tries to scare you until the last 5 minutes of the film. All that happens here is conflict. The dad thinks Lori(sister) is sneaking out at night, so he sets up a wild home security system. Tyler enrages every one around him, he's like the paparazzi. Tyler finds the iphone which has magically hidden itself in under a counter-top. He likes what the kids are doing in the video, so he shows it to his parents, yeah I don't know why. The father is becoming increasingly psychotic. Lori is questioned harder, Tyler annoys every one, and the mom breaks down. So it turns out Lori was sneaking out when with some random boy, and they father puts him in his place. That teen boy is then killed outside by the ghost, Tyler records it and doesn't tell anyone. So the little girl of the family has been talking to a ghost for this whole time, but the father thought it was BS. That was until he saw the invisible boy on one of his camera monitors. Everyone is convinced there is a ghost.

Act 3 So what do they do, why hold down in the house of course. With only two days left before the mom takes the kids out of the house (I don't know why they just didn't go to a hotel) all they have to do is stick together. So they sleep in the same room, except for Lori. All they have to do is stay together, but instead they all leave the room by themselves in the middle of the night. Lori is the first to go in a particularly graphic and painful way, poor Lori. Then the mom dies, because she seams to have forgotten there was ghosts in the house. The son goes looking for her, and he gets the axe in about the only have way decent jump scare. And lastly the little girl is now possessed and kills the father, that reminded me of Sinister, including her final words to her father.

So the film pretty bad, but it was watchable, even if it was really stupid. Take it for what you will.


Short and sweet review

You can tell from the opening scene this movie was going to be abusive, even the title alone spells it out. It opens with two young siblings in the pool, and look at title of film, there you can guess what happens.

Fast forward to an overly comedic and hokey high school, where Dawn(Jess Weixler) is preaching about Chastity, that's iron towards the end of the film. So we see stupid people, and then there is some double standard BS, a whole lot of nothing. Dawn becomes attracted to some other guy in her group. So they meet at a watering hole to do the nasty. She changes her mind and he rapes her. What a nice film:). Turns out that was a bad idea, as he loses his manhood in quite a funny way. Those teeth are a hell of a defence mechanism. So she goes to the gynaecologist for some answers. You can tell a man created that occupation. So the guy loses his fingers while doing some flexibility test which I am pretty sure is inappropriate. Dawn is now stricken with guilt, so she goes to some guys house. She gets drugged, and is raped again. Don't worry, in the morning she is alright with it. It's strange how they hide her body all film, but then randomly show her breasts, then go back to hiding them. Anyway, turns out the guy was just using her as some kind of big game hunt, he gets his just deserves. The rest of the movie doesn't make any sense. She has sex with her brother, leaves town, and then unleashes the teeth on some pervert while hitch hiking. That's four people she had sex with in a matter of three days, so much for her Chastity morals, womp womp waahh.

They film is just down right mean, every where Dawn goes, someone wants to rape her. How is that supposed to be entertaining, it's sick. The characters are complete trash, and degenerates. It's hard to make a comedy work, when it's about rape, don't you think. It's bad, I couldn't wait for it to end.

My Awkward Sexual Adventure

Otis the pug dog.
Short and sweet review.

I don't get how people think this is a beautiful film, it's stupid and generic as all hell. The characters have been seen before, and done much better as well. The film is just played for laughs, nothing is even remotely realistic. Mostly with Jordan's character, and the BS love story with the stripper. Why would any want to be with a stripper? who knows. The Rachel character was the biggest b**ch any one could create. She dumps Jordan because of unexciting sex, even though that shouldn't even matter in a relationship. She dumps him, then proceeds to do it with ten different people, while she gets jealous of Jordan being with the stripper. They even try to make us feel sorry for her at one point, even though she is downright evil. There were a couple funny moments, but the film was unpleasant for the most part. It's just a mediocre attempt of Canada's version of a Judd Apatow film. 90 percent of the women in this film are portrayed as slutty.

It is pretty mediocre and generic, to the point where it is horrible.

Insidious: Chapter 2

Cash grab? probably.
The Wan hype train is rolling through this film, there for it will make a lot of money just because of The Conjuring. I don't hate James Wan, I just hate the people that d**k ride his films, probably because horror is complete trash now-a-days, and this is the closest thing people see as good horror. But in reality, it's mediocre and nothing special. The Conjuring was a well made film, but it was downright horrible in every other category, including the most important thing, atmosphere/scares. Luckily this film was more of a thriller than it was a horror film, they recycled the exact some scares from the first film. I'll explain.

The plot is alright in the sense that it actually has a thought out story line, even if it is down right stupid at times. All the characters return, even those annoying comic relief paranormal specialists. You can pretty much guess the plot just by watching the trailer, every thing is obvious, except for when they stretch out the BS. There is some time travel nonsense that is just plain ridiculous. Is there infinite realities, is this Bioshock or a ghost movie. It really tries to have this mind bending plot line, but it just had me rolling my eyes. It's about as clever as the swing away twist in Signs, that's pretty bad. The ending should be left as it is, if not, we are looking at the next paranormal activity, the BS will just go on and on, but people will see it. In fact, James Wan could be described as paranormal activity, over hyped, appeals to the masses, even if it completely ruins his films. He makes his films dirt cheap, and wrings in the cash from the general audiences.

The music is still loud as hell, or quiet to the point you can't even hear it. The acting is fine, they get a pass. There is no tension, no good scares or atmosphere. You never feel a sense of urgency, or fear. It is all around horrible as a horror film. But it was pretty entertaining, and just all around fine. You'll roll your eyes more than you'll jump in terror. The story was wrapped up, but that old Hollywood money machine will still be sniffing around this franchise.

Frankenstein's Army

The best horror film of 2013.
Short and sweet review. No spoilers to the plot.

I wrote down a bunch of stuff to talk about, but I'm not going to. I will just go over the stuff I liked, with maybe one or two complaints I had.

This may be the best found footage film since REC, and that was 2007. Considering how many of these films get made, that is a good accomplishment. The characters aren't fleshed out, some of them hardly say a line, so you really don't care if they die. The biggest drawing point of this film is the monsters, and they are fantastic. They really aren't scary since they are not the most efficient killers. Well when you get surrounded by 12 of them, that does get very intense. I was surprised at how well lite this film was, you could see every single detail, kudos to you filmmaker. The sets are a million times better than any mainstream budget horror film has created in the last ten years. It's a pretty cool facility the doctor runs, comes complete with monsters as your butler. The effects are outstanding, all of the monsters and gore looked incredibly real. No CGI, and who would have thought a horror film would look real. Those are the highlights.

But there was some bad stuff as well. There is absolutely no character development. They have one trait, and thats what they use throughout the film. And of course there is no way a lab like that could be supplied with enough power to run, it's literally in the middle of nowhere. The main characters torture prisoners, kill children, sexual threat and possibly rape women, and destroy property. Our heroes everyone, don't you just care so deeply about them, and want them to live.

The film is pretty enjoyable, and a god send of found footage films. It wasn't as violent as I thought it would be, but still has some good gross outs. I recommend it.

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