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The First Bad Man

This animated short is set entirely in Texas since it has been part of the . . .
. . . Lone Star State's Core Curriculum for middle school kids during the past 60-plus years. (The educator who directed this brief cartoon even took an abbreviated form of his patron state's moniker for his working name, knowing full well upon which side his bread was buttered.) THE FIRST BAD MAN totally refutes the controversial theories of an Old Earth and Human Evolution, as it illustrates how early man domesticated dinosaurs as a means of transportation, while these reptile-wrangling cave dudes looked just like anyone we'd pass without a second glance on the Streets of Laredo Today. Speaking of Duel Town, the other most prominent aspect of this instructional film is the fact that Texans were exercising their Second Amendment Rights even BEFORE there was a Texas or a Constitution. As a Southern lady writer once famously observed, "A good gun is not hard to find."

Salar, the Leaper

This wilderness survival film is quite disturbing on many fronts, as a . . .
. . . foolhardy fisherman takes his life in his hands without any evidence that he's packing so much as a sidearm! As anyone who has seen the film DELIVERANCE will remember, it's commonplace that thrill-seekers traipsing into the boondocks will either have their "Guide" (such as the one pictured here assisting the angler) go berserk and turn upon them, or they will run into marauding parties of local Lords of Evil who will try to make them squeal like pigs. This is why no prudent outdoors person will enter the wilds unless they're "armed to the teeth" with BOTH pistols and long guns, as well as plenty of ammo. Furthermore, as viewers watch the featured sportsman struggling to land a few fish, they'll be screaming "Why doesn't he just SHOOT them?!" Obviously, it's because he's bereft of the wherewithal to do so. After you watch SALAR, THE LEAPER, remember to support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps).

Land of Alaska Nellie

According to the narration for this piece, the region of Alaska has "thousands" of . . .
. . . "road houses." Now, that's very interesting--in a puzzling sort of way. At the time that LAND OF ALASKA NELLIE was released in 1940, the guy doing the voice-over here states that the population of Seward--apparently a major metropolis in this area at the time--was about 1,000. The implication here is that most area residents still lived in igloos. Why was this bailiwick so underdeveloped, one might wonder. An obvious answer to this query is that Alaska lacked roads. It's really hard to picture a place with "thousands" of "road houses" if it had but two or three roads of any length. Furthermore, a careful viewing of this travel promo will come up totally empty in regard to seeing any dedicated Gun & Ammo shops popping up on the Big Screen. Why would anyone consider moving North into a virtual ice box, IF they had to lug along a lifetime supply of ammunition to keep honing their Second Amendment skills?! So after watching LAND OF ALASKA NELLIE, please do not forget to support you local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps).

Don't Talk

Today is not the first Time of Trouble for the USA . . .
. . . as DON'T TALK reveals. During World War Two, the Authorities not only had to fight the Axis of Evil on many foreign fronts (generally divided between the European and Pacific Theaters of Operation). Here in our own U.S. Homeland, they also had to battle the traitorous 40% of the civilian population constituting The Fuhrer's Base of Core Supporters. The Good War would have been lost here on the Home Front had not our valiant FBI agents examined EVERY scrap of U.S. garbage--from used bandages and napkins to discarded potato skins and dinner rolls, as pictured 10 minutes into DON'T TALK. As shown here, the Good Guys also had to shoot dead a significant quantity off the Evil 40%. Since Today's conditions are very similar to those of WWII, after you watch this short, please support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps).

Matinee Idle

This live-action short was released by the same movie studio that eventually . . .
. . . churned out PUBLIC ENEMY and LITTLE CAESAR and WHITE HEAT (not to mention PETRIFIED FOREST or SCAR FACE). With a running time so much shorter than feature length, one cannot necessarily expect to see film characters and "extras" mowed down by the dozens, either with sequences of revolver shots or blasts from Tommy Guns. However, it certainly is a major disappointment when the only rod in this piece misfires. Where was the armorer?!

Syncopated City

Whenever someone in my family attempts to question a civic tax bill . . .
. . . it seems that whoever we're able to converse with gives us one big song and dance. Therefore, SYNCOPATED CITY is a refreshing look back at Yesteryear, when talented people actually worked for the government (as opposed to the mindless automatons of Today). Municipal payment collectors here literally perform entertaining routines while snapping up funds from taxpayers. Citizens appear much happier to fork over their scarce resources (when they're getting extra value for their dough) than the ones next to me nowadays when I have to settle an account at my local clerk's office.

Nine O'Clock Folks

"Now we have the largest trio in the World . . . "
" . . . FOUR" crows the emcee midway through NINE O'CLOCK FOLKS. This is tantamount to a fishing trawler hooking a blue whale and its captain proclaiming "We just caught the Planet's largest blue gill ever!" Besides such grating palaver, the main point of contention involved with this piece seems to be "pet abuse." However, since the dog in question is a performer, as long as it's fed and not forced to work overtime, no one should have a bone to pick.

A Bout with a Trout

Apparently this title is one of the more controversial . . .
. . . cartoons available for review on Mr. Gore's invention. Despite having 83 ratings votes, only three comments have been successfully posted, less than half the industry-wide average for classic animation. (No words have been accepted for more than three and one half years!) This state of affairs is pretty sad, given that this entry is one of the best (not saying much) in the entire Lulu series.

You and Me

Some philosopher dude (probably it was Gandhi) once said, "If you give a guy a bun . . . "
" . . . it MIGHT fill him up for 15 minutes, but if you provide the same gent with a rod (plus plenty of ammo) he'll never go hungry again." YOU AND ME bears out this Pearl of Wisdom, as lowly wage slaves learn that they can attain far more bottles of "expensive" perfume through exercising their Second Amendment Rights rather than by pinching pennies on the pittance Capitalist Crime Lords deem fit to "pay" them. So enjoy YOU AND ME, and then support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps).

Mary Burns, Fugitive

The title character here is the sort of weak-kneed wimp . . .
. . . who brings eggs to machine gun fights. Hardly a Master Chef, MARY BURNS, FUGITIVE has but one talent in Life: She's able to heat up a drinkable cup of coffee. But it takes her about an hour and a half of screen time to work up the nerve to actually fire one of the Peacemakers surrounding her, and plug her inept fiance four times. Why not make an overly long story short, skip this tedious MARY BURNS, and then spend five minutes of the time you've saved in making a generous donation to your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)?

A Self-Made Mongrel

This brief cartoon explores the question, "Should homeowners rely on 'watch dogs' . . .
. . . or would they just be better off buying a few military-style assault rifles (along with plenty of ammo, of course!)? Dog-face, the title character of A SELF-MADE MONGREL, proves woefully inadequate when it comes to safeguarding his owner's property. He, in fact, thwarts his meal ticket's efforts to deal with a burglar until the latter gains control of the entire house--lock, stock and rain barrel! With canines like this, who need enemas? On the other hand, a rapid fire Peacemaker would have flattened this thief with no fuss or muss. Furthermore, the only time you need to feed your Bush Master is when you're having fun on the firing range! So why not watch The Trouble with Mutts--and then support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamp;s)?

Sudden Fried Chicken

This brief cartoon brings back many happy childhood memories . . .
. . . of all the chicken hunts we went on as kids. True, most of us were armed with only cheap .22 rifles, but several of us became our families' primary bread winners through our acumen with a long gun when supper was on the line. Where I grew up, every other home seemed to have chickens running around the front or side yard. However, the High Society types tended to have "coops" way in their backyards, usually stocked with more feathered dinners than they could count. The unwritten rule for we chicken-hunting urchins was to plug only these well-to-do birds, that would never be missed. So go ahead, watch SUDDEN FRIED CHICKEN, and then please make a generous contribution to your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps).

Borom sarret

According to the on-screen footnote presented at the beginning of this . . .
. . . cautionary tale, many reputable American organizations spent Big Bucks to restore it to a pristine, brand new condition. WHY were so many resources expended to resurrect this foreign fable in all of its former glory? The answer should be self-explanatory to anyone with around 20 minutes to spare. The featured wagon guy character is plying the dusty streets of his Homeland without so much as a BB gun with which he can protect himself, his property and his interests! Most of his customers are scofflaws, shirking payment of their fare. One nefarious jerk even manages to put this beleaguered transportation agent at the mercy of a spiteful cop, who confiscates his cart, forcing his wife to turn a trick for their supper. In recent years things have degenerated almost as much here in America, with the growing divide between those who can afford to pack plenty of firepower, and those who cannot. So please watch this warning alert, and then generously support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)!

Picture Palace

Have you ever seen one of those cartoons (or even a low-budget live-actiion . . .
. . . "Western" in which one of the characters fires a series of gunshots at the feat of some unarmed dude in order to make him "dance" in fear for his life (or, at the very least, his toes)? The two "leads" in PICTURE PALACE doing most of the dancing and tapping are sure to put many viewers in mind of such gun-play in the dusty streets of the Old West--they seem THAT desperate to stay on their feet, and not fall flat on their potentially bullet-riddled butts. However, it's not really very entertaining watching this ill-matched pair (the guy has no singing voice!) attempting to keep the lead out, so to speak. Why not skip this short, and use its 21 minutes to support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)?

Hollywood Wonderland

What do soldiers, cowboys and cops have in common?
That's right--GUNS!! This otherwise diverse (if not mutually exclusive) trio of cultures have one thing in common--Heat! The cowboys have their six-shooters, the cops are packing Tommy Guns and the soldiers wield military-style assault rifles, of course. Therefore, it's confounding and downright flabbergasting that HOLLYWOOD WONDERLAND highlights these three Alpha Male occupations--and there's nary a rod is sight, let alone in action! How can any self-respecting cow-puncher sit yodeling around the campfire, when he should be prowling the dark shadows exercising his Second Amendment Rights against coyotes, opossums and any other predatory varmints lurking in the gloom? Certainly many if not most potential viewers of this live-"action" short will find their time better spent in making an on-line donation to their local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps).

Murder at the Gallop

Like some demented plotter of board games . . .
. . . the title weapons of MURDER AT THE GALLOP insanely range from cats to the hooves of horses incomprehensibly spooked by idling autos all the way to indecorous two-foot-long "hat pins" jabbed through ear holes! Though Plain Jane Marble certainly looks the part of a Femme Fatale for the nursing home set, this flick is no Film Noir. Perhaps its most glaring deficiency is the complete absence of gats, rods or heaters. (Even a first year understands that a military style assault rifle boasts a far greater range than a hat pin!) Why watch this poor excuse for a crime thriller, when you can be spending your time more conscientiously supporting your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)?

Murder She Said

I'm afraid that this film is a really poor fit for Today's attention spans . . .
. . . meandering from strangulation to poisoning to a firearm accident as it does. MURDER, SHE SAID falls far short of a prep boy's arsenal, with just that single shot being fired. In this, our Enlightened 21st Century, any Tom, Dick or Paddock of means can make 28 trips up to his high-rise hotel suite and unleash his fire power on the crowds below, perhaps snuffing out hundreds and wounding thousands. Three measly snuff jobs is NOT enough to carry a crime story today, especially when the motivation is as simple if mercenary as it is here. So in lieu of watching this flick, why not take the time to support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)?

Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid

Those of us who collect coins and fancy firearms . . .
. . . are bound to be doubly disappointed in PAT GARRETT & BILLY THE KID. During one early scene Billy cuts down the local sheriff with a shotgun blast comprised of 16 Barber dimes! What a waste, given the price of silver in 2020! Furthermore, Billy comes off as a Real Loser, hooking up with "friends" who go on seven-week Crusades to shoot him in the back. So sad!

Mr. Piper

When I was a youngster, our neighboring public school district . . .
. . . featured a "Crofoot Elementary School." I remember wishing that my home had been in THAT district, so that I could have gone to this neat-sounding facility. Perhaps watching Mr. C. (aka "Mr. Piper") is the next best thing.

Return from Nowhere

"Why didn't anyone take pity on this poor sailor . . . "
" . . . and drive him to the nearest gun range?" many if not most viewers will scream at their screens after watching RETURN FROM NOWHERE. The unfortunate bloke at the center of this tale has survived having his ship torpedoed out from under him, presumably by the hidden scourge of a submarine. But because many Naval enlistees probably graduate from boot camp without getting a whiff of gunpowder, the shell-shocked erstwhile tar has to resort to a "money belt" to stash his cash, without so much as a second-hand military assault rifle passed down from an older brother in the Marines. The recent feature film AMERICAN SNIPER demonstrated how important such familiar working implements are for one-time servicemen. Packing heat allows them to regain the sort of inner peace harking back to their boyhood days. Lacking an essential piece, "Alan Blank" literally loses his mind. To add in salt to injury, the quacks treating Alan ply him with fried eggs, instead of prescribing a medicinal shooting iron! RETURN FROM NOWHERE implies this sort of ovoid malpractice can work once in a million times, but I think it's far more likely that this live-action short will inspire those partaking to generously support their local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)!

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt

It's always hard to fathom how any lady in her right mind . . .
. . . could allow herself to be done in by a nylon stocking (whether it's her own leg wear, or the hosiery of some random dame). A word to the wise: If YOU are foolish enough to go parking at some secluded spot with a guy you've known LESS than ten years, make sure that you have your trusty heat within easy reach IF the dude starts acting suspiciously, such as by beginning to peel off your lower limb coverings for no discernibly decent reason. There's absolutely no way on this blue earth that such a miscreant can push even one foot of a nylon off your heel before you've had time to pump three leaden slugs into such a numb-skull's brain pan. So watch this sad saga, which is prescriptive BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT, and then support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps).


Most movies with titles including the word "manic" or "mania" . . .
. . . involve a lot of firepower. Let this review serve as a warning to all of you Second Amendment fans our there: I did not perceive a single gat during the entire 21-minute running time of MOVIE-MANIA. (Though cinematic heater droughts of this duration generally cause me to doze off, I swear by all the Virtue of the Oval Office that I endured every second of MOVIE-MANIA totally awake!) If you make the misjudgment of viewing MOVIE-MANIA, you'll want to shoot most of the hoofers appearing on screen. Please remember NOT to gun down your television set (unless it's due for an immediate upgrade). Otherwise, why not skip MOVIE-MANIA, and use the 21 minutes to make a generous donation to BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)?

Henpecked Rooster

This brief cartoon addresses the well-known fact that if you drop . . .
. . . a dozen frog legs into a pot of boiling water they'll all hop to safety immediately, but IF you dunk them in a vessel of lukewarm liquid and then set your stove for "Slow Boil," your lazy legs will kick back like a half dozen dudes in a jacuzzi and gradually expire before they know it. Both HENPECKED ROOSTER and SCRAPPILY MARRIED feature the line "I'll clip your wings, and cut you down to a croquette!" The rooster Henry makes this threat in the latter animated short, while his humongous spouse Chicken-pie reiterates it during this fowl outing. Certainly such banter presents a pleasant air of fatalism as one chows down upon a batch of freshly cooked McNuggets or a drumstick from a KFC bucket of chicken. Picturing our feathered friends fretting in their cramped cages thinking "I just can't wait to stretch out in some guy or doll's alimentary canal" makes it feel like we're doing these birds a Public Service by devouring them to end their misery!

Swing High

There would be more than a touch of irony if a videotape turned up . . .
. . . in which French Queen Marie "Let them eat cake" Antoinette were shown demonstrating the proper way to clean fish. Perhaps she might echo the Red Queen from Lewis Carroll's ALICE IN WONDERLAND by circling her kitchen table screaming to her assistants, "Off with their heads, off with their heads!!" Such behavior on Marie's part would put one in mind of the "poetic justice" reserved for History's biggest miscreants, as the loathsome French spendthrift and her entire extended family were shorn of their noggins during A TALE OF TWO CITIES. Marie's sanguine demise is not the only example of History having the proverbial "last laugh." After Final Solution Architect Adolph Eichmann's sensational kidnapping and show trial, his hung carcass was incinerated in a Dutch Oven built exclusively for him! SWING HIGH viewers will feel a similar sense of foreboding listening to "Pete Smith" narrate this brief documentary. Performing Hollywood's most infamous swan dive, Pete himself leaped--without a net!--from the roof of his retirement home Jan. 12, 1979. Do you suppose he was attempting a patented CODONA-style triple somersault during this Death Plunge?

Pantry Panic

When I saw that this title was playing on one of those vintage channels . . .
. . . the listing either featured a typo, or I misread it. At any rate, what I THOUGHT was being presented was PANTRY PANIC minus its "R." This, of course, speaks directly to the greatest fear of any human female who has ever been within sniffing distance of a college campus: being caught with one's intimates down! From the nefarious frat boy "pantry raids" which became infamous during the 1900s to random incidents of "pantry-napping" of which I just read having occurred not all that far from where I currently live, the idea that some serial lower lingerie fancier has the power to force any woman within his striking distance to venture out into the Cruel Wide World in an unadorned "commando" fashion is enough to strike fear into the cockles of any feminine heart. Certainly its high time to bring back Capital Punishment for those jerks who swipe your drawers and the lurk near your door so they can smirk when you're forced to waltz out of your domicile essentially unshielded! As it turns out, PANTRY PANIC may not have any direct correlation to purloined loin cloths. However, I'd recommend that female types may want to steer clear of it on general principle!

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