kendallphoenix

What can I say that hasn't already been said. This movie sucked! The acting was terrible, the special effects were everything but special, the story was campy and pointless, the humor was pure cheese...the list goes on. Yet another crappy Lion's Gate film.

This film starts out somewhere in Germany...but I'm not sure what part of Germany. Apparently, it's the part where people talk like pirates, because no one had a German accent. There are military-type people; only they're wearing khakis instead of cameo. It's really just one big mess from the get-go...not a good sign. At the first werewolf sighting...which looked more like a man in a Yeti costume...I knew I was in trouble. But I persevered and continued watching.

Then came the part where the fire marshall was smoking outside the fireworks shop...which is bad humor in itself. And as any good fire marshall would do, he throws his cigarette into the dumpster. Of course, there is gunpowder in the dumpster...why wouldn't there be? As any good fireworks manufacturer knows, you always throw your leftover gunpowder in the dumpster. In truth, I turned it off at this point. I just couldn't take it. It was that bad. Do not waste your money on this garbage. And if you know anyone that thinks this movie is great...slap them HARD!!! 0.25 / 10

It pains me to see people giving great reviews to crap like "Superbad", whilst great movies like "Halloween" get the shaft. This movie is crap. It's unfunny and completely unoriginal. It's the same high school, beer drinking, party movie that has been seen a thousand times before. And did I mention that it isn't even funny?!? I think I might have cracked a half-smile once during the entire film. It was just lame. Terrible film. Worse than "The 40 Year Old Virgin"...and that movie was pretty bad. Worse than "Knocked Up"...and that movie was terrible. Give me an original comedy...just give me a comedy!! Something fresh and...well...funny. If this is that best we can ever hope to achieve...then let's just stop right here. 1/10

Okay...truthfully, I knew this movie would not be a cinematic masterpiece. I knew it would be some low-budget, straight-to-video Lord of the Rings knock off. It was low-budget and it was straight-to-video. However, it wasn't a LOTR knockoff...which is unfortunate. The story was Beauty and the Beast all over again...only it was set it the days of the Vikings. This is a problem because the characters didn't act like Vikings, nor did they dress like Vikings. For God's sake they wear all wearing chain mail...CHAIN MAIL!!! Vikings were only a couple of centuries BEFORE chain mail. If this story had taken place on an imaginary world with imaginary tribes and people and such, it would have been much better. However, setting it in Viking era did nothing but fill the movie with historical inaccuracies.

Inaccuracies aside, let's talk hair. Most of the actor were wearing wigs and it was obvious. There was one in particular...I remember him vividly. He was only in the movie for a couple of seconds. You say him in the background on the boat. He had no lines and no name that was mentioned. He was obviously just an extra. His job was to just blend in. Unfortunately, he didn't. Why?? Because he was wearing this ridiculous 1980's Britney Fox wig. This thing was WAY too big for the actor's head. It was just so terrible. All of the actors had bad wigs, but this one was the worst. Also, William Gregory Lee had hair extensions, but, apparently, the budget wasn't big enough for him to get a full head of them, so the producers just gave him a few. You could see where they were attached to his head and...it was awful. Also, what the heck was up with that little twig over his forehead. That thing got on my nerves.

The acting was, by no means, great. It was like watching a high school play or an after school special (for those of you old enough to actually remember after school specials). Anything with Justin Whalin is destined to be crap...let me present Exhibit A: Dungeons & Dragons, Child's Play 3, Lois and Clark...you get the idea. However, he wasn't the worst actor...in fact, he did well. William Gregory Lee got on my nerves. Obviously, he wasn't really all that tough, because he seemed to be having trouble acting tough. Jane March was okay, but not great. David Dukas, who played the Beast/Agnar, was probably the best, but only whilst playing the Beast. He struggled through the three minutes that he played Agnar. Very strange. The other actors were nothing short of mildly mediocre.

The SFX in this movie were...well...almost completely absent. The Beast was a guy in a prosthetic suit. And though it was a pretty cool idea, it really just looked like a guy in a bear skin rug. Also, the fires never looked real. Apparently, it was cheaper to make fake fire rather than actually set stuff on fire for real. The flames looked like those TV fireplace things and the smoke...well...there are no words to describe how bad the smoke looked. In the film's defense, though, this was a low-budget movie. That is something that must be taken into consideration. The weapons were obviously fake. They looked like wooden weapons that were spray-painted to look like metal only the producers hired some one-eyed imbreed from a Mississippi body shop to paint them.

In the end. This film was low-budget and watching it gave constant reminders of this fact. However, the low budget wasn't the real problem. The real problem was that the producers tried to pass it off as a Viking tale. They should have just gone ahead and made it a cheap knock-off of LOTR. It would have actually been a better film. 3/10.

This film sucked. I thought it would be a chilling and disturbing portrayal of the horrible massacre of 1966. I was wrong. It was nothing more than a mediocre attempt at poor film making. The story was hard to follow. It would skip from one murder to the police station the next day to Richard Speck arriving in Chicago back to the police station to another murder. The acting was terrible and, truthfully, it wasn't even very disturbing. This film just plain sucked. There's no other way around it. I would rather watch Corin Nemec in "SS Doomtrooper" than watch him in this piece of crap...and "SS Doomtrooper" was friggin' terrible! 1 / 10.

I had heard form all the people in my church about this spectacular film called "Facing the Giants". When I finally saw it, I was a bit disappointed. Yes, the story was good. The whole "David and Goliath" theme was going on...I get it. Yes, I realize that it was produced by a church in Albany Georgia instead of Hollywood Moguls...I get it. But I really found it hard to be inspired when the acting was that of a second grade school play. Seriously, you know you're in trouble when the best actor in your film is the head coach for the University of Georgia football team. The story was there. The message was good. But the acting was really hard for me to get over. It really took a lot away from the film. 5 / 10.

Let me start out by saying that this was one of the worst films ever...but what would you expect from the same guy that gave us "The Thin Red Line?" This film was ridiculously drawn out and with almost no dialogue to fill in the gaps. I appreciated the fact that this film gave us the truer version of Pocahontas, rather than the garbage we're fed in school. However, even that didn't carry this film into cinematic wonder. This film was terrible. And can someone tell me why no one bothered to cover up Colin Farrel's tattoos? The script for this two and a half hour epic piece of crap couldn't have been longer than that of a half hour sitcom. I feel sorry for the composer. He had to go through the painstaking trouble of trying to fill in fifteen minute gaps with music that (hopefully) carried the story along...because the actors sure weren't doing it. I know that with film, you are supposed to show rather than tell, but how long do you need to show two people making out? I should have known this film was crap, it did get several Oscar nominations. Words to live by: "If the critics think it's great, it probably isn't." This film helped prove that theory. I gave it a 1...but only because there is no half.

This film was totally amazing. It is certainly one of the best psychological thrillers I have seen in a long time. What's even better is that it is full of laughs as well. Three flatmates; Juliet, David and Alex; are trying to find a fourth flatmate. After some hilarious interviews, they finally find Hugo. Unfortunately for them, Hugo quickly ends up dead. Alex, played by a pre-Hollywood-ed un-Star Wars-ed Ewan McGregor, finds a suitcase full of cash. Juliet and Alex want to spend the money, but David, played by Christopher Eccleston, decides to hide it in the loft...or attic, for you Americans. Slowly, Eccleston begins to go mad as he moves into the loft and drills holes into the rafters so that he can spy on his flatmates below. This film is totally fantastic. And I suggest that you pick it up at your local video store. 9/10.

To say that this filmed sucked would be an understatement. This film was dreadful. Supposedly, this took place in the future...though I'm not sure when in the future. There was never any mention of the year. There was a little cheesy acting and a lot of unnecessary martial arts. Apparently, in the future, we will resort back to ancient Asian fighting tactics. No weapons but our hands and feet. There were several times where there would be two different sequences taking place on split screen, which makes it impossible to see everything that's happening. And, again, I must mention the unnecessary martial arts. The story had no structure to it, so to fill in the void...fight sequence. The acting was mediocre at best. The story was completely absent. The fighting was crap. All in all...2/10.

I love Spike Lee. I think that he has some great stories to tell. The problem is that sometimes he just doesn't tell them in a way that captivates the audience. Bamboozled is one of those times. The story behind this film is great. Daman Wayans plays a network writer that needs a hit, so he comes up with this completely racist show which pokes fun at the old black face films of the early twentieth century. The only problem is that it backfires on him. The viewers and the critics love it. This causes Wayans to forget what he originally set out to do. Before long, the black community is against him and the white community loves him. What I liked about this film is that it really was pretty accurate in its portrayal of how white people act. I know because I am white. We really do find humor in the degradation of African Americans...whether we want to admit it or not. And no one but Spike Lee could bring this to our attention. However, there were many times where this film just dragged on by...mostly in the middle. There wasn't a lot of substance, just a lot of fluff that was there simply to fill time. In the end...good story but the telling of it was a bit drawn out. I give it 7/10.

When Andromeda first came on, I was skeptical; to say the least. Let's be honest...after Hercules, how could anyone take Kevin Sorbo seriously? But I gave it whirl and, to my surprise, it was actually a good show. In fact, the only negative I could find was Keith Hamilton Cobb. This guy is your typical, run-of-the-mill soap actor. He's absolutely dreadful to watch. I was glad when he left the show. From that point on, there was nothing negative about the show as a whole. Sure, some episodes were better than others...but that's expected. I am not ashamed to say it, Kevin Sorbo is actually a good actor. Quite a surprise. Gordon Michael Woolvett really helped the show a lot with Harper's wit. I never really liked Brent Stait's character, Rev Bem. I always found him to be a bit boring. I was glad when he was written out, too. But no matter what, this show was always great. I was thrilled when Sci-Fi picked the show up and started with new episodes. Unfortunately, it didn't fly too well. That was the last season...this time for good. Oh well, there's always the reruns.

This film had everything it needed to be a great film. It was insightful, entertaining, and well directed. And then it hit the two-hour mark and went downhill. The first two hours of the film were the best film I've seen all year. The film went to such great lengths to draw you in. You felt like you knew the characters. You cried when they cried. You suffered when they suffered. However, the last forty-five minutes, the film changed. I hate giving spoilers, so I won't say exactly where the film went bad. If you've seen it, then you know. If you haven't, then you will find out. Let's just say that there was nothing shown that was absolutely vital to the film. It could have all been summed up in about four lines of text and the film would have been done and it would have been a cinematic masterpiece. Instead, you have a two-hour masterpiece and a forty-five minute piece of crap.

What did I hate about "Firefly"? Simple. The fact that it only ran for one season. That was the only thing I hated about it. Shame on the network for giving it the premature boot. This show was fantastic. It was "Star Trek" meets "Bonanza". It was just pure genius at its finest cut short by network execs who have no idea what quality television is. This was it and now it's gone. It had elements for everyone. It was science-fiction. It was western. It was action. It was drama. It was suspense. It was quality entertainment. It was the last great show on television and now it is gone. What a tragedy. This just goes to show that good things don't last while the network crap lives on forever. Do yourself a favor. Go out and buy the DVD. And buy the film "Serenity", as well. You will not be sorry.

If the Discovery Channel is going to play a docu-drama, they should at least have the sense to get all of the facts straight. This...we'll call it a film...was somewhat interesting, but a lot of the facts were just completely inaccurate. The only facts that they got right were Qin Shi Huang's name, the year he became emperor, and the year he died. That's pretty much it. Qin Shi Huang did, in fact, build a wall to protect the whole of his kingdom, but it wasn't the Great Wall. The Great Wall was built during the Ming dynasty in the fourteenth century AD. Quite a bit off from the Qin dynasty of the second century BC. Another misconstrued fact was that, though it was rumored that Qin Shi Huang was the illegitimate son of Lu Buwei, it was never proved as fact. Yet, the Discovery Channel tried to pass this off as fact in this film. Also, the emperor's death was hidden from everyone until the return to Xianyang. This was the doing of Li Si. He did so because he didn't want to start an uprising before the emperor's body could be returned to Xianyang. There are other inaccurate facts throughout the film, but these stand out the most. I would give this film a six for entertainment quality, but I deducted three points for trying to pass fiction off as fact. ***

This movie was killer. I know that there are people out there that get all agitated because certain things get cut out and whatnot. But that doesn't make the movie any more or less good. This movie was the best on thus far. In fact, they only get better with each one. The first two were good, but they were very kiddie-friendly. With the characters becoming teenagers, the stories have matured and become darker. Yes, there are things that are cut out, but this will always be so. If you've read the book, forget all about it while watching the film. Just view the film as if you had never heard it before. You will find that it is a remarkable film. The characters are as dimensional as they need to be. The story is told well. And who really cares if Dumbledore shakes Harry. It's not in my character to shake people, but if it were me, I would have beat Harry down. Yes, it's out of character, but it's not out of the question. This film is great. Go see it if you haven't already. If you have, go see it again. If you have read the book and keep comparing it to he book, go back and see it over and over until you can view it without comparing it to the book at all. You will find that this is one of the best films of 2005. Now I can't wait for OotP.

I remember being an eight year old boy sitting in front of the tele watching the Silverhawks. Man, what a great cartoon. There were its flaws. I'm not sure why a commander and a lieutenant outranked a captain (must be some sort of Limbo galaxy military ranking thing). I'm not sure how a Steelheart survived with a metal heart. I'm not sure how the Silverhawks breathed in space. But I don't care. It was fantasy. It was fiction. And there was always a basic 'good prevails over evil' trend. Plus, the Copper Kidd thing at the end was very educational. This is far better than the crap that comes on the tele now. There are cartoons on now that I wouldn't dare let my children watch. And I don't mean adult cartoons like "Family Guy" or "South Park" or "Aqua Teen". I mean children's cartoons that come on children's networks. Is the Silverhawks cheesy? Of course it is...it was the 80's. Everything was cheesy. But in the end, the morals were pure and the message was good. That's what makes it great. 10/10

Okay... I never liked Webber's "Phantom of the Opera" on stage, I was not surprised to find that the screen version was just as bad. I seem to remember reading the novel by Gaston Leroux and... maybe my mind is going bad... but it wasn't a love story. Phantom of the Opera is not supposed to be a love story. It's a horror story. Andrew Lloyd Webber's abortion that he christened "The Phantom of the Opera" has become the stereotypical backbone of the entire story. There are at least two generations of people that honestly believe that Phantom is a love story. Read a book, people. Webber's abortion is crap and the film version is bigger crap. 1/ 10

Okay, Pierce Brosnan...I'm calling you out. You are a terrible James Bond. I know that you are all suave and handsome for the ladies, but every since you took on the role of 007, the franchise has been slowly going down the Lou. You need proof? I've got proof. They are Goldeneye, Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is not Enough and Die Another Day. The latter film being the ultimate rock bottom. This film is complete junk. I would be here all day telling every single detail that made this film bad, so I'll just hit the biggies. The CGI is, of course, the worst thing I've seen in a movie since Spiderman 2. Of subject real quick...Hey Hollywood, they're called stunt men. We used to have them. What happened? Anyway, back to Bond. The editing was atrocious and the directing was a farce. Halle Berry was very good at playing her poorly written, under developed character. Props to her. I know that Bond girls are nothing more than eye candy, but DAD takes this to the extremes. Denise Richards had a better character in The World is Not Enough, and she can't even act. As bad as Brosnan is as 007, he couldn't seem too overthrow Roger Moore. He still hasn't, but if he sticks around much longer, he will. Roger Moore will never shake down movies like The Man with the Golden Gun, Moonraker, or A View to a Kill. These will always be terrible. But Brosnan is getting closer and closer to this level of terrible with each new Bond movie he's in. In the end, this movie had two good parts. The Aston-Martin Vanquish (when it was visible), and Halle Berry dripping wet and walking out of the ocean (should've killed her character right then and saved her the embarrassment). Get on Pierce Brosnan. Surely there's a suave and sophisticated British man to take your place. Heck, I'll settle for a Scot. After all, Sean Connery is Scottish. 3/10...and that's only for ditching the BMW and bringing back the Aston-Martin.

The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind is, quite simply, the best RPG ever! The story is so broad and the world is so open. My only gripe is that you can only wander throughout the island of Vvardenfell. I wish that Bethesda would release an expansion of the entire province of Morrowind, or even better, the entire continent of Tamriel. All that aside, this is still the best RPG ever! You start out on a ship. You have been a prisoner of the Imperials, but the Emperor has set you free, though you don't know why. After you give your race, sign, and class, there is absolutely nothing that you have to do. But, there is plenty that you can do. You can do whatever you want. There is a main quest, but there is no pressure to get started on it. You can join one or more of various factions and guilds. You can become a thief or an assassin. There is no end to what you can do. If you have the Bloodmoon and Tribunal expansion packs, there is even more for you to do. It is possible to play this game for weeks at a time and never run out of things to do. It's great fun. Everyone should own this on either the PC or the X-Box.

9.8/10

This isn't a cinematic masterpiece. This isn't the most groundbreaking film of all time. Napolean Dynamite is simply real-life. Let's face it...we all know a Napoleon Dynamite. If you don't, you ARE Napoleon Dynamite. What makes this film great is that most people can relate to it. Those that didn't like it, didn't like it because they live in bubbles. The same circle of friends and never venturing outside of that circle. They are your Summer's and Don's and Trisha's. Those people who live on planet Earth can actually relate to this film. Everyone has a Rico and a Kip and a Grandma. Everyone has a Deb and a Pedro. This film isn't a cinematic masterpiece. What it is is cinematic genius.

Everyone I knew could only describe this movie with one word -- "disturbing". This, of course, made me really want to see it. So I did. Guess what. Disturbing didn't describe it. Allow me to summarize this film in one word: "boring". Here's the basic premise of the film. A hideously ugly woman that is supposedly Charlize Theron plays a white trash Florida prostitute who meets an innocent and naive lesbian played by Christina Ricci. Charlize tries to straighten up after a bad incident with a John, but can't because she has no skills to get a job. That's as deep as I want to get, because I would be giving away the movie. This really wouldn't be a bad idea though, because watching the movie is torture. Charlize Theron does a remarkable job of acting, unfortunately, she picked a bad movie to decide to do that in. She's got quite the mouth on her. I've heard sailors that didn't curse like she does in this film. Christina Ricci is her typical self. She's the same character she is in every film. The biggest problem is that this film just drags along. It takes forever to get started. When it does, it doesn't go anywhere else for a long time. There was just too much filler time spent in between plot points.

A very disappointing 3*

With all the hype of turning comic book heroes into big screen heroes, one would assume that the majority of these movies would be, at the very least, decent. However, this is not the case. In fact, other than X-Men and LXG, I can't think of any other spectacular comic book movies. Spiderman and Hulk were total letdowns, as were the sequels to Blade and The Matrix. Daredevil was decent, but Ben Affleck really gave that one its suck factor. Well, movie goers, never fear because Hellboy is here. From Guillermo del Toro, the director of the terrible Blade II, comes the greatest comic book movie since X2. This movie has the one thing that the majority of the other comic book movies lack -- action! It also has another element missing from most comic book movies -- a storyline. The first fifteen minutes or so tell you the story of how Hellboy came to exist. That's it...fifteen minutes. Not thirty or forty like other comic book movies have done -- Spiderman, Hulk, Matrix. Fifteen minutes and you know all you need to know about how Hellboy came to be. After that, it's all action. Ron Perlman does a spectacular job portraying the lead role, and the supporting cast does a wonderful job of backing him up. This is a great movie.

9*

Spiderman is the greatest comic book action hero ever. Unfortunately, no one can seem to write a decent screenplay about him. I thought that the first Spiderman was slow and boring -- then, something happened...I saw Spiderman 2. This was quite possibly the most boring movie since Van Helsing. I know that there is a story to tell, but the comics weren't this boring so why should the movie be? Another problem with Spiderman 2 is that everything that was computer generated LOOKED computer generated. Even Spidey himself looked fake. Doc Ock looked fake, his arms and anything they were holding. In fact, the only things that looked real were anything that WEREN'T in a scene with Spidey or Doc Ock. It was almost like the writer was TRYING to write a big budget movie, not a movie that payed homage to Spidey. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad I didn't pay money to see this movie, because I would've felt robbed if I had.

1*

Ahh...I waited for months to see this movie, only to be truly disappointed with it in the end. The SFX were phenomenal, and Kate Beckinsale was, as always, truly a spectacle to behold, but the script was bland and boring. The werewolves were pretty cool, but Dracula was too flamboyant and Frankenstein's monster was just plain annoying. And it seemed like the movie would never end. It just kept going on and on -- desperately trying to revitalize itself, but to no avail. In the end, I was wishing Dracula would come suck my blood so that Van Helsing could hunt me down and kill me. SFX were great, but not even they could make Van Helsing anything but a waste of time.

3*

It is one thing when a bad movie flops. Everyone expected Gigli to do bad. It was bad. However, when a completely dreadful movie goes so far as to win an Academy Award, then I wonder about the panel that decides these awards. Monster's Ball is three hours of my life that I can never get back. It's crude, vulgar, racist, ugly, dark, filthy and despicable all in the first thirty minutes. And just when you think the movie is over, it's not. Instead, it's another scene in which Billy Bob Thornton and Halle Berry have sex. In fact, Halle Berry naked was the only good part about this movie...and if I want to see her naked, I'll just watch Swordfish -- it is, at least, a good movie. Absolutely horrible.

1*

Okay...let's put aside the whole Paul Walker can't act thing. This movie was good. I liked it. I'm sure that some quantum physics geek somewhere is saying that they screwed up the space time continuum...that the Einstein-Rosenberg bridge (or whatever it's called) is not to be taken lightly...but the fact remains that this film was entertaining. Unfortunately, I read the book. I don't know why I continue to do that, because they never get it right. The worst part is, I read the book AFTER I watched the movie. But, I have put the book aside and have judged only the movie as it was. And it was fun. It was entertaining. Sure, there were some big-time changes made to history, but it's a movie. It isn't real life. It's not supposed to be. Movies are ways to escape, and this film lets the viewer do just that...except that Paul Walker can't act.

7*