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Bizarre but actually delightful in that cheesy 80s way
The film's somewhat safe and gentle approach harbours a dark underbelly. Hermaphrodite or inter-sexuality tale of a boy who used to be a girl until the age of 14, who is now lusted after by her once best female friend, not to mention Alfie. A guy in a souped-up wheelchair who is a self confessed "faggot" ( his words, not mine ) who spends the entire movie suppressing his apparent dark and "unnatural" feelings for the boy/girl Willy/Milly, who in turn has to spend the latter part of the movie fending off the town floozy's attentions and affections because her hard-man brother seemingly has incestuous interests and a desire to maim all who dare touch her! PHEW! Not to mention a father who is suddenly up for paying attention to his new found boy and overcompensates for his lost years as a father by turning poor Milly into lean mean fighting machine Willy. And also the occasional pop-up here and there of a very young and creepy Seth Green who seems to have the ability to trade in magical wares, towed around in a little cart behind him like some kind of strange dwarf trader from another time and place! Think Twin Peaks and you get that kind of vibe from him. OK i'm sure there's some kind of metaphor in there that i don't get, but i hope there isn't and that it's just odd for the sake of being odd. That would be much cooler! If you haven't guessed already, I. Love. This. Film. And if you don't now after reading my initial description then shame on you. OK, i confess that i may have painted a somewhat NC-17 or X rated David Lynch-ian styled fable that will turn most audiences away in disgust at the subject matter at hand...BUT, this is actually pretty neat harmless fun from start to finish, bar a few swear words here and there and they're only there to serve a point, not just splashed around willy nilly ( bad pun intended, sorry ) Onto the plot which, even within the most forgiving of eyes, is utterly ridiculous. But for some reason, it matters not one jot. 14 year old frumpy teen Milly Niceman is feeling the heavy jackboot of masculine oppression within her household. Dad won't let her out late at night, boys are silly etc. That kind of world ending teen drama y'know. A keen astronomer, she has set up a telescope on the roof to help capture an upcoming eclipse or something. After fleeing a school party early due to being cripplingly shy around boys she breaks her binoculars, with cruel timing, ready for the big day of the eclipse. Her neighbourhood girlfriend has a little brother. This odd Seth Green played character who spends the opening credits buying and selling from yard sales. He offers her, alongside a new pair of conveniently powerful binocs, some kind of ancient Indian potion that makes a wish come true when blah blah blah etc. I can't give everything away no matter how much you may not care. Suffice to say, in the midst of raging teenage angst at the days events, Milly wishes she was someone else altogether. Now despite us many skeptics out there who may assume otherwise, this wish does indeed come true overnight! Hereon in, 80s highschool gags and delightfully odd parent clichés that probably didn't seem so old back then play out for a while. Of course. That's supposed to happen. It's a comedy after all. An 80s one at that. Thing is, it never becomes boring or really feel aged. The humour is bright and well intended. The acting is, for the most part, perfectly fine. The over the top bully parts are more fun than badly acted. It looks and sounds as 80s as those 80s brat-pack styled movies ever did ( it's 1986 what the hell did i expect? ) so that's a personal preference either way i guess. I reside with the feeling of yes. Yes i like that feel. It ends just the way you're expecting it to end, what with the boy thing not really working out, but not too badly!, as many friends are made along the way and many introspective dilemmas realized and overcome. Bullies be gone and another convenient potion brings balance back to the universe and everyone seems to get on as if nothing ever happened. Even the wheelchair bound love interest gets up and walks! Seriously, it's still great. The direction from Paul Schneider & editing from Michael R. Miller must help in no small way as the film moves at just the right pace to keep you constantly interested. There are no lulls here. It just chugs along smoothly and perfectly. One thing about this too is that it's pretty rare and not too easy to find. It has, to this date, no DVD release but you may be able to find an old VHS copy or an internet version, if you get my meaning ;) Please, if you can find it, give this film a chance despite all that i've mentioned because like many of those teen/brat-pack style movies from the US-of-A in the middle of the 80s it leaves you with a warm glow and a feeling that you've been joyfully entertained. No cynicism on display here. Just love, light hearted escapades and hermaphrodite homo-erotic crippled love. The ever so slightly edgy subject materials give it just that little something to stop it from being a sappy teen romance comedy. And for the record, Pamela Adlon might look frumpy as a girl but she makes a startlingly beautiful boy, lol ! I can see where the Alfie character was coming from actually ! I am a sick, sick man and i apologise from the pit of my bile ravaged stomach. 9 out of 10 stars from me.

Baiohazâdo: Dijenerêshon

Utterly Ridiculous. Fanboys lap it up, but it's just awful, i promise.
First off, i won't complain about the Computer Graphics used to make the movie. Whilst it's not even close to Pixar standards, i should imagine that they wouldn't have had a Pixar sized budget and the animation and detail is perfectly adequate for 2008, if a little stiff. The look is not the problem. It's everything else. From the toy-time storyline to the ludicrous dialogue and Scooby Doo styled conclusions, it grates on you from beginning to end. EVERY cliché' is thrown in, and i mean clichés that were old hat by the end of the 80s. Every now and then the characters have to stop the progression of the story to recap on things gone by, spoon feeding the viewer with bits and pieces of back story because the writers are just too lazy to make the premise eloquent enough. Some may say " Hey it's RESIDENT EVIL! It's SUPPOSED to be cheesy! ". That is no excuse for being as poor as it is. Or do the writers really know their target audience too well? There is so much in here to make RE Fanboys punch the air in collective orgasm toward the end with ending after ending without any let up it seems. Just as one ridiculous near death set piece is avoided, another one is piled on top once they have caught their breath. It's action for action's sake and it's so damn tired and unoriginal. You see 'jump-moments' coming a mile off, not because they're badly staged but because you can predict it before the prior scene has ended. Again, people will tell me that it's based on a computer game story, but it doesn't mean that it can be forgiven if it isn't done well. The premise is irrelevant and any fantasy element is perfectly acceptable to me as long as it's done well. This just isn't. It's soo bad. The terrible voice acting on the English language voice dub really doesn't help matters either and it may not seem so silly in it's original Japanese soundtrack, with subtitles. But it still won't have escaped that irritating Japanese tradition of having to explain EVERYthing that is/has and will happen with long tiresome bouts of dialogue that just make everything said feel stilted and awkward. If you're still reading you may tell that i didn't enjoy this too much. There was nothing in it for me that stood out, so that i could say that it at least has it's moments because it doesn't. You can quite easily sit through it because if you're a fan of the games this is a curious piece that has grabbed your attention, but it's ultimately not worth any of the effort you put into watching it :) Unless you're a blinkered fanboy of course....blinkered? Wait a minute that's what defines them isn't it !? This is just bad. Don't avoid, as it may raise the odd chuckle or too at it's expense but don't expect anything better than the story lines, voice acting and over the top situations of the computer games :)

Soccer Dog: European Cup

Dog Makes it to the Big Time winning the Champions League Trophy
Soccer Dog European Cup claims the football/talented animal coveted trophy for its graphic portrayal of a world gone football mad. Told through the eyes of a beleaguered minor leagues pup, this harrowing but crowd rousing romp runs the entire gamut of emotions, from deflation to euphoria, all within a matter of 90 minutes or more. Nick Moran is a government agent, hired to assassinate a young boy at Her Majesty's wish. In steps Soccer Dog ( Corey ) to inadvertently upset Moran's plans and eventually but completely charmingly bring him 'round to his ( Corey's ) way of thinking. It's at this point where the film goes from a solid 10 down to a disappointing 9 for me, as the love scene between Corey and Moran's character is an unnecessary and spiteful affair. Be that as it may, it is wonderfully lit and doesn't detract too greatly from the pace of the movie. From here on in though, the on pitch action doesn't let up for half time oranges or anything. It's viciously violent in patches and has ingenious moments of hairpin turns when dealing with twists and plot line reversals ( to it's benefit ). The scene with the 2 huge mother ships battling it out for supremacy over the Earth whilst ship debris rains down on the football players below is quite literally breathtaking! Eventually, as in life, all things must pass and whilst the ending is somewhat nihilistic in it's philosophy, it can leave you with a melancholy smidgen of hope for a brighter future for Premier League Football post 2009. Overall: Enjoyable.

Violent Shit III: Infantry of Doom

Perfectly Ridiculous
9 out of 10 if you enjoy this kind of movie making but some will hate it because they take movie making a tad too seriously at times. Would've got a 10 out of 10, if not for the rather boring intro. Other than that, i am sure it may work a little better in it's original language, but having two guys overdub the ENTIRE cast, really increases the storytelling tenfold. When two people are trying to act as an entire crowd of people, it's pretty charming to see and you gotta admire their gall, for thinking they coulda gotten away with it. One thing that genuinely does rock, is the atmosphere. It's REAL depressing style camera stock ( i couldn't tell what it was filmed on, probably a home cam-corder). Andreas Schnaas' movies have that one thing about them at least. That feel of cold, impending doom, no matter where it is shot. It really is VERY German in it's feel. Think of the German Underground art-house/movie making scene, and this is what this feels like. Very moody. There is more than a little gore. In fact, there is tonnes of offal, bones, brains,arms,legs,heads flying about the place. You name it, it gets cut off/out. Some effects verge on the ludicrous, some you have to say are well made seeing as it would seem the budget stretches to ....oh at least.....10 dollars. AND at the very least, there's some sense that they made sure there were some unique slayings throughout, even if not too many come off too well. The story is ....what it is.....whatever. What i recall was absurd at best, but i can't see the filmmakers caring too much either. The zombies are a band of musclebound hoodlums in slipknot style masks, controlled by 'Miester' and they generally run around into each other in a panic whilst being beaten to bloody pulps and stumps by a band of travelling ninjas? or something? again, what's there to care about? All in all, these kind of films are viewed for a specific reason, and if you can forgive the uber-cheap budget, then this delivers on the gory fx. And the dialogue and bizarre randomness of the situations and story might have you crying with laughter thanks to the dubbers efforts. TOP STUFF!

Land of the Dead

Hmm....why do i feel so disappointed....?

Should have i expected more? I can only speak for myself, but i really was, in terms of story and characters who i cared about perhaps. Gorehounds will probably be disappointed, but apparently this is going to be revised in a "Director's cut" DVD. Whether this is actually true or just a ploy to raise DVD sales i do not know. I actually found the gore level to be pretty much the same as 'Dawn' and 'Day', but i've only seen 'Land' once so maybe i can't recall it well enough. I think fans were expecting Peter Jackson levels of blood and guts maybe. If you are, then you'll, again, be disappointed.

FIRST OFF, this zombie advanced learning thing... Please remember that they have been learning since they used blunt instruments in 'Night' right up to Bub learning ( rewards or not ) in 'Day' the progression has been there for all to see, throughout the series of films. This seems incredibly stupid to many fans, but surely is a natural storyline progression for the series, otherwise wouldn't it be just 'Dawn' in a city instead of a mall? It isn't portrayed in an infantile way nor is it explained how. Like sometimes in movies, make up your own mind on how these things come about. Don't be expected to have the story written out for you as well as shown on screen. How lazy is that !?

Some things pleased me greatly but i find that, for myself, many things ( bearing in mind, in this ONE sitting ) felt so ....umm, just empty.

No real tension, a couple of low end 'jump' scenes, which really didn't need to be there and felt a little cheap. The central characters, apart from Dennis Hopper's and the zombie leader Big Daddy seemed to have been rushed in at the last minute of scripting. And the sideline character's, such as the dwarf, the team assigned to help retrieve "Dead Reckogning", the activist in the slum towns, all seemed to be pointless. Unless these character plot lines were thinned out to keep the flow of the movie up, perhaps. Whatever the reason is, it doesn't work in the form it appears on screen at the cinema. Perhaps, these people will be explored further should Romero release a much longer version on DVD. That's another thing, it's all over so quickly and so suddenly. Again, I suspect it's due to pressure from the studio to make sure this movie gets taken in by the "MTV" crowd, and i believe that is wholly NOT the movie trend Romero wanted to make this for.

This i think is what comes across as a good thing in certain scenes. I feared, when Asia Argento was thrown into a pit with two zombies for a betting crowd, that there would be some stupid Kung Fu, Matrix style fight scene where she kicks arse and walks away all cool from an explosion behind her, all in slow motion... Thankfully this is not the case at all. She does fight back, but it's not convincing. WHICH IS HOW IT SHOULD BE! Fights generally ARE the two parties involved rolling around in the dirt mostly with the odd lashed punch and kick. And she doesn't win, but escapes none-the-less.

Also, the dialogue, for me, came over a HELL of a lot better than it does in a draft of the script i read some weeks ago. In fact the dialogue seemed laughable, but the actors do a great job with what they're given.

The violence is violent. Very violent, but it seems again, either running times or censorship has dictated that Romero seems to have cut things short at certain moments.

There are a few good ideas that fit the world which has been created here also, but i won't say too much, feeling i have mentioned too much of the movie content already.

But, i felt such a sense of disappointment at the end, especially because of a couple of real cheap shots at the very end, and the whole movie leading up to seemingly such a meaningless finale.

Another major thing for me was when the film opened up, the first few scenes captured a real sense of apocalyptic landscape, and possibly billions of zombies. Now it's not explained ( as is always the case. Wisely i think ) what kind of time line this is on, or whether this even connected, but maybe ALL 4 Romero movies are unconnected but just built around the same scenario. But if this IS following on from 'night', then perhaps most of the zombies have rotted away now, because i kinda got the feeling that there was just a gang going 'round and the rest of the landscape was free of zombies entirely. Even in 'dawn', although there weren't that many extras to play zombies, you still got the sense that this was worldwide, at least States-wide.

'Land', for me just felt like an afterthought, which is really sad to say because the other three movies in this series are infinitely watchable and his version of 'Dawn of the Dead' is THE greatest horror film of all time.

But hey, Romero IS human after all, and you just gotta accept that this time, unfortunately, he made a bad movie this time, EVERYONE would do at some point in their career, Even with his seemingly infallible zombie story.


Not sure if this movie should receive one out of ten or ten for sheer entertainment
Woah! I didn't realise this movie had so many different titles, i guess the producers have made very sure to cover their tracks with this one. I know that, i, for one would not like people to know i was involved in the making and distribution of this umm...comedy?

I know, i know, maybe i shouldn't be so harsh, it is a zombie movie after all....NO ! NO this is without equal, THE MOST STUPID MOVIE EVER MADE. I remember being a young petulant youth, obsessed with all things zombie, back in the days of the "video nasty" and being lucky enough to come across what was titled Zombi Creeping Flesh. I laughed at so many scenes in this movie, i thought i may implode! You know that kinda laughter? The one that stops you breathing, the one that hurts? Yea, thats the one...Oh, OK, maybe not, but hell this will remain in my heart forever more. Still not sure if this was ever actually a serious attempt at a horror story, or a campy fun filled tongue in cheek gore fest, like Redneck Zombies, Which by the way, is actually an awesome movie, deliberately poking fun at itself as well as being extremely gory. Dawn of the Dead, circa 1978 this ain't... I know dubbing can never recreate the original impact of the scripted Italian dialogue, but this movie has lines of absurd proportions falling out of every pore. I mean like, LAUGH OUT LOUD lines of complete inanity! Some of the situations the characters get themselves into makes you wonder if the writers found out the cast beforehand and must have been harbouring some kind of grudge to have put the actors through this. There is a complete disregard for any kind of continuity or story, for that matter... I also think that there is probably more stock footage of SLOW MOTION ANIMALS SEEN THROUGH BINOCULARS than there is actual shot footage by the crew. A Fantastic scene involving the acceptance of the local villagers for the SWAT team ranks high in the many gems within. Slow motion desert dwelling animals in the very depths of the rain forest is an indication that Mattei had long since given up. The gore is aplenty, as long as you see the fully uncut version with a blatant DOTD embassy storming ( substituting tenement blocks for government offices ). There is a lot of gore, mainly ranging from the above average to the downright silly. Soundtrack is Goblin, so therefore fantastic by default. Though several pieces lifted from DOTD...not necessarily a bad thing. Watch this movie with the view that it is going to be BAD, VERY BAD, and i think you will enjoy it. It is THE best of the the worst, in the wide range of poor 70s/80s zombie movies just because of the sheer downright laziness involved. There are plenty more stinkers out there, but this just pips them all.

Raiders of the Living Dead

This movie took an hour and a half of my life. And i want it back
Wow... The only thing i could recommend from this "movie" is the absolutely hilarious open titles theme track. It is without doubt the most inane, lazy and downright stupid song i think i have EVER heard in a film. If cheesy, half arsed 80's rock, with lyrics from a ten year old is your bag baby, then try and track it down. Please let me have a copy too!

Other than that, uh....stuff happens, some boy makes a laser gun from his grandpa's Laserdisc player to rule his neighborhood and i guess, murder bullies with. Some intrepid reporter ( WOAH! reporters? zombies? in the same film? Revolutionary! ) seeks out some other boring stuff about some guy trying to do some stuff to take over the world with some zombies, or something ...uh OH I'M ALREADY BORED!. And if you forgive these kinda movies their awful plot, dialogue and acting because you only "watch it for the gore anyway" YOU WILL BE SORELY Disappointed. i think there are about..............3 zombies, who kill one guy who was stupid enough to deserve it. No gore in that scene. They then get shot by the geek with the laser. No gore. One gets its head blown off by the reporter. about 2 seconds of bad gore. and thats about it really. People run around for a bit, say stuff to other people you really don't't care about, and it ends. I'm surprised that i gave it the time i have, but hell it's 12.30 a.m. and i have nothing better to do. Don't think this will fit into the same style zombie category as movies like Zombi 2. Zombi Holocaust, Creeping Flesh ( ad infinitum ). It isn't really a living dead movie. It's really a waste of everyone's time. Except the title track. THAT'S FAB!!!

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