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My Awkward Sexual Adventure

Night Shift II with a Henry Winkler look alike
Having said that, whilst it is not up to the same comedic level of Night Shift, it is very watchable and you get some great cunnilingus tips!

It does pile on a few in-vogue and improbable cliches, like the stripper is surprise surprise in the wrong profession (cue to reform and get out of the game). She is an amazing cook with a very specific fetish on Australian produce (understandable as it is good), who if she could only get a commercial kitchen would become a successful commercial chef. Like cooking for 2 or 200... eh! All the same.

In the end though I enjoyed it, would even watch it again, and this time take sex tip notes. :)

Date with an Angel

When I write a review it's usualty because I feel compelled to praise the praiseworthy. Not this time.

Formulaic teen flick with awful plot, script, location, costumes, sets, direction, camerawork, and acting.

Did I miss anything?

The roll out song is OK.

Money ill-spent.


Why, why, why?
I've always enjoyed the odd stinker, but a stinker only has charm if done on a low budget.

This is self indulgence without relief. Starting with the elephant that refuses to leave the room, THAT accent! I had to google what it was supposed to be. I was guessing Geordie and even when I found out it was supposed to be Welsh I still couldn't place it. There is another Wales of which Robert Downie Jr is the sole inhabitant?

The Dr Dolittle Books were set in the West Country but any accent would have been acceptable as long as it didn't leave the star so concentrating on getting It wrong that he Completely forgot who he was supposedly portraying.

RDJ is not the only one too distracted to focus on the story. The writers couldn't remember what they were writing. The director must have been the entire shoot in the pub trying to drink their way to a plot and left the editor to clean up the mess.

The end result could be watched in any order and make equally no sense.


Beautifully done with positive uplifting hope
As carefully pointed out in this Infographical documentary we CAN do something about the environmental disaster we have created, enacting change at a personal level, and not wait for the deniers to ever change, which they won't.

The focus of the vested interest groups has always been to foul the argument with lies and endless tedious denial of what is stariung everybody in the face. The big money hasn'tr got the numbers and are working at corrupting those in power and making ordinary people give up out of sheer exhaustion.

This film shows how we can start change by ourselves and ultimately make the negative parties irrelevant, brushing them aside and just stop paying them any attention. They are only trying to delay the inevitable in a last ditch attempt to make money at the expense the of the world they themselves are inhabitting.

I left the theatre upbeat for the first time in a long time. Act now, don't wait on others and get everyone you know to see waht I hope will be the first of a flood of arguments to BUILD a better world not wait for the Ratbags to change, which is never going to happen.

Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi

Stupid, stupider and stupidest
...take your pick.

How many times can you escape, get caught up, get in the dumbest of battles, and then mysteriously just slip away again?

Really! Cross the galaxy in a flash but have to cross the vast plains, ON FOOT!, in front of the rebel base, to be stopped (almost) by men in trenches taking pot shots?

Be chased by huge spaceships that seem to have no gravity, that can destroy planets at a distance but can't hit the small ships just in front of them because "they are out of range" !!!!

Arrgh !!!! Terminate these drivelling committee driven excuses for cliche special effects. This looks effortless in the meaning of no effort was put into making the cash cow, milking it to death and sending it off to the Hollywood sausage factory. They are not letting the minor detail that they have no ideas left, from churning out LESS of the same.

Only thing dumber than these movie franchises are the slack jawed customers who cough up the readies, on queue, every time to see the same drivel all over again.

Paddington 2

Lovely, absolutely lovely!
A delight to watch a children's movie that makes you smile from ear to ear.

Clever and smart on many different levels and acted to a T.

Having recently come from that waste of space the latest Star Wars movie my faith in humanity was once again restored. Its not just about cash, cliches and commercialism! Well actually it is, but can it hurt to do it with style and good humour and without tub thumping commercialism?

Four thumbs up. Just because of this movie I am actually going back to the cinemas.

The Post

Great movie has a message and know how to deliver it.
I agree that the casting of Katharine Graham as a gentle ingénue to the hard world of newspaper publishing was not historically accurate, but since when are movies pure history?

Having Meryl Streep grow into her battle armour was much more interesting.

I hope this movie encourages whole generations of smug millennial know nothings to discover why the hard fought battles of the "boring" past were fought, and why they still need to be fought.

The historical subject matter on the face of it is not substantive, elaborate or particularly riveting in its execution, but Spielberg is as ever the master storyteller and his writers were brilliant.

Ah. the magic of a bygone era of not just the smell of hot type, the clatter of Linotype setters and thundering presses that would shake entire buildings when they started up, but of the people who could actually read, spell, knew grammar, research and (unbelievably) check facts! Facts they did not have to perpetually ask someone else to confirm or guess at, but who had a breadth of knowledge that came from being interested, curious and aware. No putting on a huge act of knowing, because you could rely on an audience to know nothing and believe anything delivered with confidence!

Lets not forget the long lost audience that also understood how important education and free speech is to a real (not faux) democracy.

The Circle

Important subject but dumbed down
Trying to explain this to the current online generation and, I am guessing mostly American audience, who should be the target is a big ask.

What could have been a revelatory and thought provoking plot was turned into trivial entertainment with a happy ending.

Just how the perpetually affable, supposedly super intelligent Tom Hanks character could not anticipate the bleedin' obvious conclusion, after having conspired at length to bring it into effect, left me laughing. But not the happy, happy ending where despite Pandora's Box being opened, all the problems disappeared merely by removing JUST TWO (apparently that's all it took) central plotters!

It was the shallow portrayal of the plotters that was the biggest weakness, although the heroine wasn't given much to do either. Nobody seemed visibly motivated by greed, megalomania or dogmatic blind obsession. No sign of doubts, laboured decisions, or the inevitable feet of clay that mark real personalities. Like Twitter comments everyone and everything was just superficial. Down to the ridiculously convenient creator of The Circle hanging around in the shadows to effortlessly sabotage his own creation.

Nice photography, nice actors, nice graphics and a nice ending. But since when are conspiracies so "nice"?

The only thing I found (barely) pointed was the performing seal audiences and the banally stupid twitter comments projected over everything.

Summing up, the movie seems to have been created to reveal the "dangers" of compulsory voting (really?!) to Americans who think convenience is the real problem with their "democracy", and to fill the screen with the maximum number of Gen X Extras.

Even the main characters were Extras despite the star casting.

Food: Truth or Scare

The BBC should be ashamed of themselves
This I presume was supposed to tackle the myths and nonsense surrounding food today.

Instead it perpetuates them in the New Millennial fashion of "Ask everybody who hasn't a clue, and then believe whatever it was you believed before".

I grew totally exasperated at the ancient yellow journalism of heading up stories with variations of the same question posed as a statement, working it over and over again, tediously coming to no considered or factual conclusion and starting all over again to just fill the word count and time allotted.

This is all in response to the same tabloids half reading scientific papers and then misreporting them to stir controversy.

The female presenter is particularly annoying with feigned knowledge that is nothing of the sort and calls up strings of other know nothing minor celebrities who have nothing to contribute except that they are not that other fount of wisdom, people randomly picked up from somewhere. Probably lost in aisle 3 of the supermarket.

The real experts played the extras in this Blockbuster (they knew too much) and only got to speak after a long rambling misstatement of misread and miswritten "facts". They were probably told to remove the sarcasm out of their voices and instead sound and look totally bored. b

Like me they appeared to wish they were anywhere else than this pointless exercise in gum flapping ignorance. Nobody was really interested in anything the experts said, now the presenters were in charge conducting "The Experiments".

I was so wanting out after barely managing to get through the first episode I was willing to chew any of my limbs off "to make a point about raw meat" and be hospitalised far away from this source of infectious senility.

Other than that it was quite good!

The Long Gray Line

"Goodbye Mr Chips" with a solid dose of ketchup, melodrama and jingoism
Did the US Army PR Department pay for this as they seemed to have paid for a long list of similar recruitment movies?

I watched it all the way through just to see how closely it followed all the plot points and milestones of "Goodbye Mr Chips". Almost within a whisker it turns out, with nary a diversion, right down to the "Ghosts from Memories Past" at the end.

The British have their tradition of patriotic movies designed to raise morale in time of war but they maintain a sense of modesty and realism sadly lacking in the American versions, which lack only the bouncing ball on the tub thumping script to ensure that absolutely nobody misses every bleedin' obvious point they are trying to make.

Sadly there is no low point to which scripts can go anymore. The script for this 1955 movie was aimed at an audience of Rhodes scholars compared with some of the fare we have to watch today. As judged by the score of 7.8.

Cruel Intentions

Yet another remake of Les Liaisons dangereuses by Pierre Choderlos de Laclos
There is a lot of mileage to get out of people who don't read, don't pay attention and have only a thin grasp of what is going on.

Just how many versions of The Taming of the Shrew, Cyrano de Bergerac, The Three Musketeers, Kurosawa's stories... and here: Les Liaisons dangereuses, can Hollywood make before the populace cottons on to the plagiarism?

Apparently, one heck of a lot!

Particularly in America where so many would not even consider watching or reading the original, especially if is not in done with American characters or accents, or heaven forbid meant reading subtitles.

Even here every non English word is flagged as a spelling mistake.

The Ghost Army

Fascinating and shows what can be done with flair and imagination
Fascinating and shows what can be done with flair and imagination.

The only thing that was lacking was due to the usual American self-obsession, their monocular view of themselves at the centre of the universe.

There was a brief mention that the British had requested the unit but no mention of why or the background. That was because it was repeating what the British had done very successfully long before in North Africa against Rommel. Right down to the inflatable tanks, trucks, false railway tracks, airfields, radio broadcasts etc. Everything.

It was the British who had the actual imaginative leaps that created deceptions like this, as well as "The Man Who Never Was", the incredibly subtle propaganda/psychology division that dropped false "Nazi" literature and "Nazi Propaganda" on German troops.

It was also the British who created the "Funnies", weird contraptions that made their and the Canadian landings on D-Day so successful, whilst the Americans got themselves into immense trouble after having spurned the "crazy" ideas.

This documentary would have been so much more complete and generous to all concerned, if it had shown the long running deceptions that had been going on the entire war, on all sides, not just when the Americans finally showed up and took the credit for winning a long grinding war already half over and largely won on the Eastern Front.

None of this is to detract from what the The Ghost Army did, but contrary to what the film purports to show, they were not alone, they were not the first, and it was not even their idea.

The Dressmaker

Brilliant cast writing and photography. Bumping off people has never been more fun.
Went to it thinking it was entirely another film, but I'm glad I went in with the wrong expectations.

Absolutely gorgeous photography and frocks, who could ask for more? Especially the local cop.

The wit and hilarious characters really keep this rolling story tumbling on through every twist and turn right down to the last bump, or what you think is the last bump and off you go again with a series of explosive scenes to the final culmination that beautifully wraps it up.

Favourite lines:

"They should do something about whoever is burning that rubbish"

"You haven't met the rubbish!"

The Longest Ride

A schmalzy bodice ripper
One for the chicks.

These days the guys get rippling muscle action fantasies, this at least doesn't have the CGI overdose, instead it is large breasted college Arts Major meets shy, modest, old fashioned, but incredibly ripped bull rider.

Being for the chicks, their eyes meet across a rodeo rail but he doesn't try anything until he has done a lot of walking, talking and front door floral arrangements.

Cleverly after they try hard not to fall for each other (because they aren't meant to be) she falls in the pond and gets all dirty, so has to shower at his place.

Voila! The obligatory six pack and generous breasts coyly appear and they finally do it in the shower in an uncontrollable moment of passion.

Oh, there was some stuff in between with Alan Alda appearing continually with his head in bandages, in one bed after another.

We can't really wait till lovable old man cupid Alda finally kicks the bucket so he can make everyone improbably filthy-rich-happy-ever-after.

Because happy-ever-after-without-all-the-cash-falling-from-the-sky sucks.

The 3 out of 10 was for the fantastic slow-mo bull ride camera-work.

Taken 3

Just as well I didn't pay!
Saw it as part of a double showing after Kingsman. Talk about chalk and cheese.

All I can do is condemn with faint praise: I've seen worse.

I was more bored with all the tired clichés than anything else.

They showed the villain early on then, dragged a rather nonsensical red herring across the trail, followed by a pretty crap twist that distracted you only because given the rest of the plot, ANYTHING was possible.

Then it turns out the bad guy actually is the bad guy and because it really doesn't add up, Liam and the Cop hastily waffle up some half ass explanation. I presume for the benefit of the dim wits in the Focus Group who didn't get the feeble plot, nor that the feeble plot was actually simply feeble.

I'd lost interest well before that despite they hadn't done all the Action Sequences, still had a few to trundle out, and the obligatory last chase after the villain grabs the girl and drags her along for no reason at all.

It's hard to catalog all the clichés, especially in the action scenes. Stop me if you've seen the wrong way speed chase down the freeway, with the inevitable tumbling heavy objects flattening everything in their path before bouncing over our hero.

The super bad Russian ex-commando, the one everyone kills themselves to avoid, simply can't hit Liam Nielsen for love nor money. Inside a lounge room! Because all he has is a super gun that fires a zillion bullets a second!

Liam runs through it all unscathed. Everything around him gets shredded to demonstrate just how dangerous these guns are!

At that point "we're going to need a bigger gun!" would have raised an easy laugh.

The ending was pretty lame and just seemed to run out of puff. After which it looks like they are setting Liam up to save his granddaughter as the next target. That is at least a couple of "Takens" too far for me.


Spoiler Alert - Stinker Ahead!
How could a movie with this many good actors be such a stinker!

Johnny Depp should be particularly ashamed, but I guess enough money passed hands for him to not care.

It was excruciating to have to sit through almost 2 hrs of accents the equivalent of fingernails scraping on blackboards and what, just guessing, were supposed to be 'jokes'.

This would have been a vehicle for someone of reasonable comedic talent, a modern day Peter Sellers perhaps, but the direction, script and editing were always going to doom this dud.

Avoid at all costs.

The Imitation Game

Says something about modern audiences
This is the movie made about Alan Turing for an audience that thinks you are a genius if you can work out the change at Macdonalds.

The movie going public has become so dumbed down it can't follow the story of the genius who helped win the War and changed the world, without latherings of trivialised romantic nonsense.

It didn't have to be a documentary, but it certainly didn't need to be the Classic Comics meets Mills and Boons.

Enigma didn't pretend to be based on Turing's life, but was twice the movie that this is. In Enigma the characters showed real stress, real hard work, and real pressure. All the characters in The Imitation Game do is talk about "how hard it is", hand to weary forehead, but it is all unbelievable pretendsies.

The execs in charge of the focus groups then throw in a dash of feminism to cynically engage a female audience who they think might be turned off by a geeky plot.

The twists and turns of supposed imminent sackings and simple minded explanations of the counter espionage tactics (supposedly worked out by Turing) is just absolute nonsense. It fails to realistically portray the real great love of Turings life, his schoolboy friend, and chooses to play up the misplaced proposal to Keira Knightly.

This movie takes a great story of triumph, achievement followed by tragedy, and reduces it to a lame romance.


Surprise surprise the Americans (largely) don't get it!
Due to the usual remake that adds copious amounts of substituted water and sawdust.

Don't blame the recipe, blame the wannabe cooks.

Greg Kinnear is just too bland and nice to fill the lead role. The original Rake* is so much the author of his own self destruction, but still retains sufficient redeeming qualities to tip us over to forgiving the flaws, just as his many loves do.

The US version doesn't fill the rakish side sufficiently for us to care whether we forgive him or not. It all reminds me of those unfortunate wannabe clowns who think a cheap frizzy colored wigs, red nose and big shoes are all it takes. The timing, wit and novelty, having all whizzed right over their heads.

This pale version has not just whizzed over my (indifferent) head, but the heads of the puzzled US audience for whom it is all too strange and unpredictable, despite the attempted remake to do just that. Not frighten the trite sensibilities of middle America, thus rendering the whole exercise pointless.

*It occurs to me having read some of the other reviews that most Americans do not even understand the real meaning of "rake" as it is used here. Therein lies the problem.

The Librarian: Quest for the Spear

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy
If saying this is just a cheap assemblage of lazy clichés, then maybe I need to flag the spoiler alert!

Nobody seems to have put in any effort into the acting, script, direction, 3D CGI, costumes or plot.

This is simply a premise.

"They made a movie/s about a Museum, lets make one about a Library! Nope that's all we've got, so just collect together every single cliché you can think off and we'll go through them in rough order. Tick them done as we trudge through them."

No pace. no development, no nothing'.

I'd give it 2 but Sonya Walger's breasts get a bonus 1, it would be two if we ever got to see them.

The Interview

Seth Rogan my SuperHero!
Before I begin, how do you write a spoiler for the most talked about movie ever?

And how can you be offended by the trouser filler humor?

That would be like seeing a Jerry Lewis film and objecting to the adenoidal stammer and bad hair.

Yes it is ridiculous, the banter typical Seth Rogan and the premise unbelievable, but this is the movies. It is a movie! You know that commercial entertainment, visible on screens large and small?

The only thing unusual about it is that some jumped crazy dictator doesn't like it because it takes the mickey out of him.

It was fun, an hour and a half not wasted (well debatable) but in all I enjoyed it. Haven't been let down by Seth Rogan yet! Not going to win an Oscar but it is in the long tradition of dropping your trousers and holding up a brown eye mirror to nasty powerful politicians everywhere.

Penguins of Madagascar

100% indomitable good spirits
Nice to see the Penguins get their due: All our attention for a solid full movie length feature.

Wikipedia can now fill in their history as this story covers their time before the Madagascar series. Everything revolves around their insanely irresistible cuteness, particularly that of Private. Cuteness which incites the envy of the much überignored super villain, who is out to destroy penguindom with his elaborate and ingenious inventions.

Needless to say it ain't easy, not with the resourcefully upbeat quartet out to frustrate him. The greatest challenge to our avian funsters is in fact an Arctic super agency, WestWind, tasked with protecting them and all animals from harm.

With the Tuxedo Four's DIY credo, the work is cut out for the "Professionals" at WestWind who firmly believe serious crime fighting should be left to the Pros. This brings out an oscillating battle of competitive outdoing of each other, that becomes their mutual undoing.

Despite the inevitable capture and ultimate doom at the hands of the super villain, it all comes good in the end. Despite the wimpy fickleness of the American public when all the penguins that ever there were are set loose on New York as green hued mutants.

The constant witty banter and unending improbable escapes from certain death will keep children of all ages laughing on the edges of their seats. Never has there been so much use and abuse of The Big Red Button to such hilarious effect.

What's not to like, they are after all penguins, and "Awww they're so cute!"


A Day in the Life of Lucy. But what a Day!
I love Luc Besson, his wicked sense of humor, and his impeccable eye for future detail.

I'm hooked from the beginning, as is Lucy the main character. It is just brilliant how she sways almost on, then off the hook, again and again, until, bam! the Trap snaps shut. Then it is on for the ride as the bad just gets worse, and worse and worse...

Yes the premise is nonsense, but toss that, as you have to with most film fantasy. For all of those who thought this was the flaw, why on earth are you giving higher scores for the mass of clichéd tripe that abounds in Hollywood?

This is a ride, a wild, wild ride in the one day left for Lucy as she wrecks revenge on some of the most realistic and frightening nasties you're ever likely to meet. Their implacable objective is to get back what Lucy took and she isn't going to let them have it!

Luc Besson you've done it again, out Hollywooded Hollywood, out Kung Fu-ed Hong Kong and created an alternate universe that I would sign up for in a blink. ...if it weren't so devastatingly deadly.


Another Nicholas Cage Stinker
The Nic didn't even bother trying in this one, not that he had much of a part. Wonder who still bothers seeing anything because he is in it?

Appallingly cobbled together script, with all the research done in the 7 for a week (Kung Fu) DVD aisle in the Video store. Mostly doesn't make sense and combined with the wooden acting makes you desperate for an ad break to inject some entertainment.

Wobbly camera inadvertently (...or was it?) hides the woeful fight scenes which consists of the lead endlessly swinging his sword round in circles before he falls on his back only to have the baddies always let him get up miraculously to have another go.

Same with every "escape" through back doors, unguarded boats, past hordes of soldiers who can't hit the side of a barn let alone the small group of fugitives practically in front of them.

Left me wanting to swing a broadsword through the committee/focus group that came up with this pathetic pretence of an action flick.

The Maze Runner

Load of unimaginative tripe using Clichés by the number.
Sad that this rates well with todays youth.

I can understand why, it unsubtly hits all the marketing buttons.

So here is how the focus group wrote this pile of drivel.

First you "research" teenagers. What are their interests and very limited knowledge?

1. Computer games where you dress up, wander around and slash/hit/shoot things

2. Zombie/apocalypses

3. "Reality" TV shows like Survivor

4. Speaking in a grab bag selection of clichés

Then you crudely fashion the outsider (but special) thrown into a group of strangers who ultimately recognise that you are special and then follow you through (pathetic) adversity aka schmutzed dress- ups.

Being too lazy or incompetent to craft story and dialogue you toss dice to sequence the most appallingly grating clichés. Throw in a girl (let's not go overboard), some CGI to make it "interesting" using slightly adapted monsters from other equally unimaginative efforts that made money. Then spend a pointless hour and a half to reach a lame conclusion which is a set-up for more… drivel.

Same time, same place, next year... but I won't be there next time.

Edge of Tomorrow

Great way to relive a stack of old movies
You have to admire Hollywood screenwriters. They can rent a stack of old movie titles and recast them into the perfect pitch for a new title. Guaranteed to get the Hollywood apparatchiks to bite because all the other movies made money. Doing them all over again is sure to work for audiences who won't watch the originals because they are "old", aren't in color, have no CGI and above all are unacceptably original.

This version is an almost straight lift from a 1964 James Garner RomCom. Set in pre-D Day Britain where a mad admiral wants to send his PR chief in with the invasion troops and a camera crew, because "The first dead man on Omaha Beach must be a sailor."

The beginning of "Edge of Tomorrow" is practically the beginning of "The Americanization of Emily".

To spice it up because the old plot was hardly fit for CGI we add in some War of the Worlds and Groundhog Day and you have a winner!

Whilst the plagiarism really jumped out at me, it does give it an interesting twist and keeps you going right until the unbelievable end, where it seemed nobody could actually figure out how to get the obligatory Happy Ending, so just went for an easy cakewalk into the ludicrously undefended Omega, and KABOOM!

It was nice to know that whilst Tom Cruises' character was serially mortal throughout the movie, he comes good at the end, finally smartening himself up to be requisitely upbeat, waterproof and bombproof.

SPOILER ALERT: The hero doesn't die, beats the bad guys and gets the girl! Sorry if that really gives it away.

CURIOSITY: The Aliens can fly through space, but can't cross the English Channel! Something even the most aerodynamically challenged Pakistani can manage.

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