jwvongoethe1800

IMDb member since May 2014
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Reviews

War Room
(2015)

Hide in your closet, and pray to God to solve your problems, instead of solving it for yourself.
I have nothing against Christians or faith based movies. Some of my favorite films are the biblical epics from the 50s and 60s. other movies like It's a Wonderful Life has God in it, but doesn't cram the bible down the viewers throats. And then you have this kind of movie, that are just propaganda pieces for the kind of Christianity that I hate: The kind that lives in the past, the kind that take the bible way to seriously, the kind that refuse to acknowledge equal rights to homosexuals and woman, the kind that does not vaccinate their children against diseases. The kind who would beat you if you say something that is against their religion. This kind of people made this film and it is made especially for them. It is not that I am against religion or that this review is anti-religion. It is because that War Room has one of the worst morals that I have ever seen in any movie.

The plot of the movie is about a family with marriage problems. Not the normal kind of problems, but the extreme kind. The husband Tony is verbally abusive against his wife Lis, ignores his daughter, doesn't communicate with his family and is about to cheat on another woman. Lis is an real-estate agent, and Tony is an salesman for an medicine company (we know this because every time someone introduces himself, thy say the full name and the kind of job the person has). Lis is about to sell the house of an elderly woman named Miss Clara. She tells her of her praying technique called the War Room, in which she hangs her prayers on a wall in an empty closet, and asks God and Jesus to solve her problems. Lis learns from miss Clara that it is not Tony's fault that he is an cheating bastard, it is Satan's fault, so she has to pray for Tony. While this is happening, Tony has an date with another woman. Clara heard from it and prays to God to intervene. God gave Tony food poisoning, which stops Tony of cheating on his wife. Tony gets fired of his job, because he sold drugs of market without the company knowing it. He returns home, sees the war room, and begs for forgiveness to his wife, who tells that God is the most important person in her life, but it is because of God that she has her marriage. Tony spent some time with his daughter, and brings back the stolen drugs to his boss, who decided not to press charges on Tony for steeling. The marriage is saved, and miss Clara is happy to see it, and the film ends with her in her new war room, where she prays to God to rise up an army of believers to fight up against the forces of evil.

This film is awful. The acting is bad. Most of the people in this movie are not even actors, but public speakers for the church. There is no connection between the people in this film. I never believed for one second that Tony, Lis and their daughter are related, because they act like thy have seen each other on just one day. I want that this ends in divorce, but this film make it clear that divorce is not an option here. The dialog is and feels unnatural. Miss Clara always uses war analogies (like prayer is a powerful weapon), the kind that makes you scared. Nobody takes any responsibility, everything is grace. This movie has a TV quality to it, it has no reason to be not direct to DVD. The prayer technique is offensive and dumb. The marriage problems are solved in the first 60 minutes, and the rest of the hour is nothing but padding. And the has about 3 points where you think the movie would end, but then you see that it is still going.

The moral is insulting. The moral is as followed: If your husband is verbally abusive, and is distrustful to you, don't call for therapy, don't talk it out. Just empty out your closet, act like a floor mat and pray to God to solve your problems, not for yourself, but for your cheating husband. And the fact that this movie is an box office hit and that some people really like this movie baffles me. Skip this film at all costs. It is propaganda.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
(2000)

A dumb special for a dumb song.
I have never heard of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, and after I heard that song and watched this special, I am glad that I never did. This is one of the dumbest Christmas specials I have ever seen.

The story is about grandma Spenkenheimer (yes, that is their name) who owns a store in the town of Citysville (why does the title Powerpuff girls come into my mind?). People want to by the store, and her cousin Mell want to sell the store. But grandma refuse's all the offers. On Christmas eve she got run over by Santa's sled, and went missing ever since. Now it is up to Jake (grandma's grandson) to make sure that the store don't get into anyone's hands and save the Holiday.

The story sounds like a 8 year old would come up with. there is no logic here. Why would the big corporate guy care about the store so much? Why bother with the whole courtroom thing to save Christmas (like miracle on 34th street done wrong)? Why does an probably 12 year old believe in Santa (I mean that he acts like an 5 year old about it)? It is so out of place, not in the fun way, in resembling any reality.

The songs are out of place. It is not like a musical, where the songs are an extension of the story. The title song is just dumb, the others are so out of place, that it made me thing that they are there only because a lot of animated Christmas specials have song in them.

The characters are a joke. They are stereotypes. You have the corporate guy, the parents that have little to no impact what so ever, the villain's motivation is just because she is greedy, and the boy Jake is one of the most annoying brads I have seen in any film. At best: they leave no impact on you. At worst: You will hate every single one of them.

To sum it all up: it is just dumb. Skip this special. You are better of without it.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie
(1998)

Rudolph will go down in history, but this movie is not the reason for it.
Since his birth in 1939 as a way for a department store to make more money, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer has a special place during the Holiday season, and has been translated to animation ever since the beginning, most famous being the 1944 short and the 1964 Ranking- Bass film. And in 1998 it finally hits the big screen, and became an mostly bland film.

The first problem is it's creator: Goodtimes Entertainment, who has made a living of themselves by making cheap cash-ins to more popular Disney movies. Second problem is the fact that the movie was released for a few weeks in the end of October (does this count as an Halloween movie like Nightmare before Chistmas?).

The story is mostly the same as the 1964 version, but than 76 minutes long instead of 50 minutes. It is predictable and didn't have the charm that the original has, and it makes no sense at certain points. Like Why does Santa not punish the elf's who made the villain mad? Why is Rudolph's obvious love interest Zoey hanging out with one of his bully's? Why is an Brooklyn accented fox voiced by Eric Idle? Why is the villain voiced by Whoopi Goldberg?

The animation is sloppy and inconsistent. The movements are stiff, characters change color way to often. It is the quality of an direct to video movie.

The songs are bad. Some songs sound to much like pop songs and they have no purpose to the story. The only good song is "Wonderful Christmastime" by Paul McCartney, and I have no idea why it is in this movie.

The characters are no really worth mentioning. Only Rudolph comes the closest of having personality. The villain is a joke, becomes a good guy at the end, because Rudolph asked it to her. Santa is barely in the film to have a impact on everything.

Do I hate this movie? No, I do not. The story is simple, because the original story is simple, and the voice-acting is good enough. It is by far not the worst Christmas special I have ever seen, but I know better movies to watch during the Christmas days.

Saving Christmas
(2014)

Worst Christmas movie ever.
Christmas is to many people the best time of the year. The time of Rancid consumerism, seasonal depression, manufactured cultural pasturing, saying that you give food to the pour, without you actually doing just that and the so called "war on Christmas". You see that i focused on the bad aspects of the Holiday season, but that is what this movie does.

Christmas is also the time of really bad Holiday specials. Yes, you have really good ones, but that is not why I am here today. I can say that this is the worst Christmas movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

This film is an Christian oriented movie. I do not hate this film for being that, I hate it because it is an bad movie. Saving Christmas was once the number one film on IMDb's bottom 100 list. But let us begin this review.

First the story. This has no story. It is Kirk Cameron giving us an lecture of what the meaning of Christmas is. It stated that the symbols of Christmas that are based of Germanic rituals (like the tree) are all connected to the birth of Jesus, what it is not.

And at the end it is saying that materialism is a good thing. This film is only 80 minutes long, but it felt like 2 hours. there are a ton of better Holiday films out there, so do not see this movie, unless you wand to hate Christmas.

Epic Movie
(2007)

Just an other movie movie, nothing to see here.
This review Will be almost exactly the same as my Disaster Movie review. Why do you ask? Because it is the exact same movie thy make!!! Again, everything Friedburg and Seltzer put their eyes On dies.

This time thy spoof epic films, but I think That thy don't know what epic films are (Ben hur, Gone with the wind, Lauwense of Arabia), so thy spoof the blockbuster films of the last 2 years before 2007, Like Narnia, the da Vinci code, Pirates of the Carabien.

The actors are at best stupid, the story non existent, the humor feels like torture.

If you have seen the other movie movies, There is nothing to see here. Move along to something better.

Disaster Movie
(2008)

The movie is what the title says: An disaster
This will be the shortest review I will ever write on IMDb, because I just want to put this thing away to keep what is left of my sanity.

Everything Seltzer and Friedberg put there eyes on, dies. Thy are the mascots of everything that is wrong with Hollywood. Film some crap, release it to the world and steal all the money and time of Innocent viewers.

Let's talk about the story. THERE IS NO STORY! just a collection of random scenes that goes nowhere. There is no humor, unless you like potty humor, and sex jokes.

For a movie that claims to parody disaster movies, from all the movies thy spoofing, only one is an disaster movie. The rest are just blockbusters and other movies that are released in the one year before this thing.

Just stay away and hope that Seltzer and Friedberg will die in the most horrible way there is.

Escola de Princesinhas
(2008)

It's Vídeo Brinquedo, so what do you expect.
For those who are fortunate enough not to know the existence of the hell spawn that is Vídeo Brinquedo, here is some back story: Vídeo Brinquedo is known as the Asylum of animation. Thy specialize themselves in making crappie knockoffs of much better movies (mostly Disney and Pixar) and put absolutely no effort into them.

While not as infamous as Ratatoing and What's Up: Balloon to the rescue, The Little Princess School is still as bad as the other Vídeo Brinquedo movies. This film is an knockoff of the famous Disney Princesses (Snow White, Cinderella, Mulan, Tiana and Jasmine) up to the part that thy exactly look the same as their Disney counterparts. The story is not worth telling about. If you think that Disney is bad with the princess stereotype, Vídeo Brinquedo brings it back to the time when woman have no rights and are expected to be just beauty.

The animation is bad, but it's Vídeo Brinquedo, so what do you expect. Stay away from this thing as possible. Your life is better when you do not know the existence of The Little Princess School.

The Love Guru
(2008)

Cinematic suicide
In my quest to see the worst of the worst that Hollywood has to offer, I stumble upon this film. According to my younger brother, it was the worst film he has ever seen. I finally had the chance to see it and all I saw was: Horror, pain, misery and silence (I will explain that one later).

First my opinion about Mike Myers himself. He was a great actor and his rolls in Wayne's World, Austin Powers and the first two Shrek films are great. But than his popularity falls down in the around 2003, with film rolls like The cat in the hat. The Love Guru is seen as the exact point when Myers career committed Japanese ritual suicide.

I can say from the bottom of my heart that this is the worst comedy I have ever seen in my life. Say what you will about the Adam Sandler movies or the Friedberg and Seltzer movies (epic movie, disaster movie), at least they have some level of thought into it (not that it make these films good). This film is just an torture device.

First the story. It is about guru Pitca (Mike Myers), who is helping an ice-hockey player (Romany Malco) to face his fears, so he can win the ice-hockey game so Pitca can be at Oprah's talk show to become the world's greatest guru. The plot is bland, uninspired, very predictable and just stupid. The only things I can remember from this movie is the stupid and predictable love-triangle, and two elephants having sex on an ice-hockey field. I just became less intelligent after saying that last bit.

The characters are all bad. Myer's character was the worst one. He tries so hard to make the viewer's laugh, but fails miserably. The rest of the cast I can't remember a single thing except for the ridicules names. Like Justin Timberlake's character named Jacques "Le Coq" Grande, guess why he is called that way. Than you have Dick Pants played by John Oliver.

The worst thing that can happen to a comedy is that the jokes make nobody laugh. Remember the silence I mentioned at the beginning of this review? That's what my brother remembers of watching this film at his school, because nobody makes a laugh, not even at the really bad stuff in this film. The comedy in this film can be summed up like this: Guru Pitca's ridicules face, bad sex jokes (like the one with the elephants), and about a million dick jokes, none of them are close to be funny.

There is no hope for Mike Myers. He will never make a good film ever again. To all of you, stay away from this thing.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
(1937)

And then there was Disney.
It is not an surprise that I think that Snow White is one of the greatest and most important movies in history. It is the start of the medium animation, and the first of an almost continuous line of fantastic movies by Walt Disney. Does this film still hold up after almost 80 years? Of course it does.

Let us begin with the animation. Even after 77 years, it still is one of the best examples of Disney animation at it's best. It is flu- wend, colorful and the use of Walt's multi plane camera (a device that created the illusion of depth) is fantastic.

Because this is Walt's first feature animated movie, they use a simple story. I won't tell the plot in this review, because you all have seen this film so it is pointless to tell something that you all already know. There is no point explaining the plot because this is the kind of film in which everything else is more important than the plot.

And now the characters. To be honest, Snow White is not the greatest character in this film, even Walt Disney him self sad that she is basically an plot device. I do not say that she is a bad character. she is good, but the only other complain I have with her is that her voice is ridiculously high. I have heard Adriana Caselotti in the Wizard of Oz and there she sounds normal. And now the thing everyone remembers of this movie: The dwarfs. Thy are some of the best characters ever created in any movie. The evil queen is also great, especially when she is turned into the witch.

All the songs are great and fantastic. My favorites are: High Ho, the washing song, the silly song and some day my prince will come. For some reason Disney didn't own the rights of the songs ever since 1937, because it didn't have his own music department yet.

It still is one of the greatest Disney movies ever, and one of the greatest movies ever. To the one or two people who didn't saw the movie: Go to the store and buy it!!! it is an must own for everyone.

The Last Airbender
(2010)

Shyamalan has never seen the cartoon that this movie is based of.
I am a huge fan of Avatar: The last airbender. The story is great, the action is fast en intense, the characters are memorable, and the animation and humor are great. When this film came out in 2010, I didn't bother to see it in theaters. It was until I heard the reaction of everyone calling it one of the worst films ever made, that I watched it on the internet.

And I can say like the rest of the world: It is one of the worst films ever made.

The story of the film is to keep it short, the first 30 episodes of the cartoon (from the moment that the avatar was found, until the battle of the northern water tripe). Judging from that, you can say that the movie will suck before you have seen it. Al the time is used for exposition of what had happened 5 seconds before, or things that happened of screen. This makes the story rushed, dull, uninteresting and you felt you have waisted 90 minutes of your life.

The action in this film, is a joke. In the cartoon, the bender has to make an number of moves to bend the element, but it only took 2 seconds to do that, what makes the action fast and intense. In the film, the bender has to do a entire dance number to move something (thy needed 6 earth benders to move one small rock). The action is slow, boring and completely pointless.

Do you remember the funny, memorable characters of the series? You will not find them here. Because of the fact that the movies plot is the first 25 episodes in a 90 minute film, there is no time for character development. You won't give a dame thing about every person in this movie! All the names are mispronounced, because Shyamalan wands respect the original Asian origin. There exist also a thing called RESPECTING THE SORCE MATERIAL!!!!

Have you not seen this movie? Than don't watch it. Watch instead the cartoon.

Detstvo Bambi
(1985)

The strangest thing I ever witnessed.
Do you want to enjoy the wonders of Walt Disney's Bambi, but can't watch the movie because you live on the other side of the Iron Curton? Don;t worry, the Russians have answered your question by making a live action version of Felix Salten's classic tale.

I could not believe what I saw when I looked at the part of the wikipedia page of Bambi about the movie versions of this story. Like everyone on the planet, I used to know that there are only two films based of Salten's 1923 book: The 1942 animated classic by Walt Disney, and the 2006 direct to video midquel (Bambi 2) by Disneytoon studios. I have heard of Russian Cold War era versions of films and story's of the west part of the Iron Curton, but not from a version of this story.

The story is not based of the Disney version, but more from the Salten version (atleast from what I can understand, because the film was in Russian), and uses both live action and real animals (deer, rabbits, squeals). That is for me confusing, because that would make "Men" hunting for men.

There is not much to say about this movie. Skip it and watch the Disney version, or read the original book by Felix Salten.

The Birth of a Nation
(1915)

Only two kinds of people like this movie: Fans of the early days of cinema, and KKK members.
This movie drips almost as much racism than a propaganda film from Nazi- Germany. The book where this film is based of is called "The Clansman: An Historical Romance of the Ku Klux Klan". Everyone hates the KKK, but this movie is mostly known as a cinematic masterpiece, while it is nothing but KKK propaganda.

The movie takes place in the Confederate States during the American civil war, when a family is torn apart during the days of war. The first 15 minutes of the film is the only good part of the film, because it shows the effects of the war on ordinary family's. It even has an scene in which two brothers are in the opposite armies and meet each other on the battlefield and died together.Than came the Union army with his Negro soldiers acting as bandits, while murdering and rapping Innocent woman and children. And than the KKK comes to the rescue to save the South from the tyranny of black people.

Do you see why I did not like this movie. It is straight up KKK propaganda and depicts Afro-Americans as criminals and the KKK as heroes. The Negro's are all played by black-faced white actors. From a technical view is this film impressive with his open fields with hundreds of people in one scene, but the racism is all over the place.

For fans of cinema: It is worth a watch. For KKK members: First, you guys can all go to hell with your white people only campaign. Second, you already have seen the movie. To all others: Skip this movie and watch some Charlie Chaplin films.

The Jazz Singer
(1927)

The screen learned to talk.
This movie was responsible for the end of the silent era of cinema in 1927, and the destruction of the careers of hundreds of actors who couldn't talk. Does this movie hold up after 87 years? Well, it still did.

First an note: This film is known as the first sound film (or "talkies" as they where called in the 20s), but most of the film is still the same as the movies from the silent era. Only the singing parts are with sound. But the jazz singer has made his chapter in the history of cinema and soon actors had two choices. 1: Look for a new job. 2: Learn to talk.

The movie stars Al Jolson as the son of a Jewish priest (don't really know how they are called) who wants to be a jazz singer, even when his father hated that idea. Without spoiling to many things, he became a jazz singer and we than see the famous black-face scene the movie is known for. people now will see that as racist and I am agree with that, but it was part of the time period. And it became one of the most iconic scenes in the history of cinema.

I will recommend this film to people who are curious about cinema history. To the others: Give it a watch. It is not that racist at all and the black-face scene is only 3% of the film.

L'arroseur arrosé
(1895)

The birth of cinema.
On the 28th of December 1895, history was written. In the basement of a café in Paris, about 30 people witness the worlds first film screening by the Lumière brothers with their Cinématographe. This short is one of ten shorts shown on that day.

It has a 45 second running time so the plot is simple: A gardener is using his garden-hose, when a boy starts standing on the hose. While checking what happened, the boy stands of the hose, allowing the water to spry the gardener wheat. The slapstick comedy in this film is funnier that in your average Adam Sandler film, and this film is 119 years old.

It is the birth of cinema and comedy in one. The starting point of the reason why this site exist.

La leggenda del Titanic
(1999)

An disgrace towards animation and cinema.
What can I say what hasn't been sad already. This film is probably the worst movie aimed for children ever. Worse than Food fight!, worse than the Disney direct to video sequels. MONDO TV is standing at the bottom of the dark, fiery pits of animation hell. Let's get this over with and talk about the story

An old sailor mouse named Top Conners is telling the "real" story about the Titanic disaster to his grandchildren. In a flashback (how original) we see the boarding of the Titanic in 1912, and get a first look of our leading lady Elizabeth (in the same way how James Cameron did in his movie. They replicate the scene frame by frame).

She is not happy because her father and stepmother are forcing her to marry a man she doesn't love (again, how original). She came across a group of Spanish Gipsy's and falls in love with the Glove sniffing Don Juan. Top Conners meets a Brazilian mouse named Ronnie and the other mice sneak aboard and the next 15 minutes they talk about ship protocol.

It turns out that the forced future husband of Elizabeth (named Everard Maltravers) is an evil whaler who marries Elizabeth so he can have unlimited whaling rights. At one night, Elizabeth cries at the bow of the ship, when her tears got intercepted by magical moonbeams what allows her to talk to the dolphins and mice. This is the point in which by brain started to leak out of my ears. The animals make sure that Elizabeth and Don Juan meet again and they quickly fall in love, when they met for only 5 minutes and only have one line of dialog in their conversation.

The whaler has hired a group of sharks to sink the Titanic at an specifically moment when they got the whaling rights. The sharks trick an octopus in an ice throwing contest (even when ice never sink to the bottom of the ocean). The octopus throws an iceberg in the path of the ship. When the ship sinks, the officers say that there is room for everyone, when in real life there was only room for half of the people on board. The octopus came above the water to hold the ship back together so everyone is able to survive the disaster. Can I say that this movie rapes history? Elizabeth and Don Juan married and everyone live happily ever after.

My god, where do I have to start with this thing? The animation is not really the worst thing in this movie, but it is cheap and lazy. The mouths never sync with what the characters are saying. The CGI is bad for late 90s standards, and it is way to colorful. None of the characters are in any way likable. Thy are ether rip-offs from the 1997 James Cameron movie, or thy are just there to be like an Disney movie. The story is a gigantic mess. It is trying way too hard to be like a Disney film with the talking animals. Mondo TV really things that children could handle themes like death and misery, and so thy ad an happy ending with everyone surviving the disaster, to a story in which over 1500 people die in the freezing waters of the north Atlantic back in 1912.

To end this review, I will say one thing: F*****CK YOU MONDO TV. I HOPE EVERYONE OF YOU WILL DIE IN THE MOST HORRIFIC AND Painful WAY POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tentacolino
(2004)

It's bad. That is all there is to say.
After I watched the legend of the titanic review by the nostalgia critic, I heard that that movie had a sequel. Apparently hell still continues. Out of curiosity. I watched a number of reviews of this movie. I could write this review by only watching the reviews instead of watching the movie. I decided later on to watch the movie. I describe my first experience as: Horror, pain and suffering.

WARNING: If you ask questions about things that appear in this film, you will not live to see the light of day!!!!

The story takes place in 1915, although thy use deep-sea diving equipment that came from the 1930s. A submarine takes the heroes from the first movie (none of the original voice actors return to voice in this movie. What is the reason for it you think?) to the ocean floor in order to search for the wreck of the Titanic. Why do ask? Because the screenwriters ran out of potatoes. Than the jailer sharks from the first movie (yes, I said that) cut the support cables and the sub sunk into the deep. Then there is something with Atlantis, living toys and a rapping shark. I won't tell the rest of the plot, because I want to keep what is left of my sanity.

The plot is even worse than the previous movie. It makes no sense, and it will be responsible for the dead of millions of brain cells of children. It has continuity errors so big, that the ending creates a plot hole that swallows both "the legend of the titanic" and itself.

The characters are not worth naming. Thy are just as bland like in the first film, but dumber in this film. For example: When they arrive in Atlantis, the atlatians told them that they are not allowed to leave ever again. instead of complaining about it, they instantly have Stockholm syndrome and are OK with it. The villains are laughably bad. One is just the villain of the first movie, and the second is a rapping shark. My God strike me now.

The animation is not the worst I have ever seen, but it is cheap, lazy and sometimes ridicules. They repeat frames over and over again. The characters are talking while their lips are not moving. And it is so bright and colorful, that my little pony looks like a film-noir.

AVOID THIS THING AT ALL COSTS!!!!!!!!!! The Nostalgia Critic didn't want to review this movie, and I can see why. If you really want to see this thing, watch "Lets watch: In search of the Titanic" by RickyRay102 on youtube. The commentary thy give makes this movie watchable.

Bratz
(2007)

lifeless, no effort, no personality and just bad for the intelligence of children. Just like the dolls.
I hate everything about the bratz. Mostly because it gives girls a role model that tells that it is good to be a slutty, brain dead whore who only cares about make-up, fashion and party's. So a movie about the dolls is like one of the lowest levels of hell. Because everyone hated this movie, I had a vision in my head of how bad it was. Now I have finally seen it, I can say that it is one of the worst, if not the worst film I have ever seen (like animated titanic movies level of worst).

The film starts with the four main characters (played by Logan Browning, Janel Parrish, Nathalia Ramos and Skyler Shaye) talking about how much clothing thy have too much of it. Then we see that the director finds out how many racist Hispanic stereotypes you can put in one scene (about 7 in total). Than we have a look at the main villain of the movie (played by Chelsea Kane) who is basically a prison warden that defines the school into cliques based of the overused school stereotype thy belong to (Nerds, Jocks, Goth, Preps and Mimes, yes mimes). The rest of the plot is just a talent show, more stereotypes and the kind of logic even a fantasy film would think that it goes too far.

The plot is basic and predictable. The logic makes no sense. Example: Everyone on the school are just fine with the fact that one stupid rich girl runs the place like a prison. The moral of the story is. Be a brain dead whore, only cares about fashion and the outside is more important that everything on the inside.

The characters are not worth mentioning. Thy are one of two things: Brain dead valley girls or racial/school stereotypes, with no personality. The only actor who try to be good is Jon Voight (from National treasure), but even he fails miserably.

Now I will talk about the songs. OH GOD THE SONGS!!!! Take Nicky Minage and Rebeca Black, and you have the songs of this movie. The songs sung by Chelsea Kane (while using auto-tune) are all about one thing: I am the best and you are a bunch of morons who will never survive society. I have to mute these parts of the movie so I can be able to watch this entire thing.

I watched this film after I watched My little pony: Equestria Girls, because I want to compare the Bratz with an movie with an equally attended audience. Equestria Girls is a better movie than this piece of sh***t from a non brony standpoint.

Just don't waist you time on this film. There are much better movies to watch out there.

The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea
(2000)

An other victim of the Disney sequel program
In my marathon of Disney sequels, this movie is the second film I feared the most (the other one being Hunchback of Notre Dame 2). I have seen this movie as a kid, so I sort of knew I was expecting. But after ten years I did not remember much of this film, showing how bland and forgettable these movies are.

I really enjoy the first one. It was the movie that give us the classics of the Disney Renaissance, an new kind of Disney princes in line with the second feminist wave (with Ariel) and the Broadway style that Disney still uses in their musicals. It has a great story, great songs, fantastic animation and every character is funny and memorable.

This movie has none of the things that the original has.

Let's start with the story. Ariel and Eric celebrate the birth of their daughter Melody, but then Morgana, the crazy sister of Ursula (yes, it happened), threatened her in order to get the trident of king Triton. To protect Melody, Ariel won't let her come close to the sea, even building a wall around the water. 12 years later and Melody is a person who likes water and simply ignore the wall. She finds out that she is part of the underwater kingdom of Triton and hates Ariel for not telling about it. She runs away and comes across Morgana and she gives her fins in exchange of the trident.

As you can see, it is the same story of the first movie, but than backwards. What makes the plot predictable from beginning to end, with no originality what so ever. it makes you questioning why you watch this movie instead of the masterpiece of the original.

The animation is not the worst I have ever seen (not after I watched the animated Titanic trilogy, Food Fight! and the video Biringquedo movies), but it is cheap and lazy for Disney standards. The design of the characters are sometimes creepy, with Ariel (one of the hottest female lead characters made by Disney) being the creepiest of them all. Most of the colors are too bright and don't look as natural as in the original.

Speaking of characters, thy are all either bland and forgettable, or the kind that you hate because they are not like thy were in the original. Ariel somehow didn't understand the problems of Melody, even when thy are the same problems she had in the first movie. Prince Eric is just there so people don't question about why he is not in this film, he practically does nothing. Melody is annoying, bland and has no original personality. And then you have Tip and Dash, ho are rip offs of Timon and Pumba. Thy are there because Disney has an reputation of great comedic side characters (in their classic film made by people who know how to make a movie). Morgana is one of the worst villains of all time. She is basically an replacement of Ursula (and voiced by the same actress as the original) and showed us that the sister of the old villain want to have revenge plot, Does not work in the first place.

There is nothing to say about the songs. Thy are just bland and uninspired (Howard Ashman is luckily unable to see what has happened to the movie that started his true fame). The first song makes me want to stop watching this film, after I was only watching it for 5 seconds!!!

Just stay away from this movie. Stick to the original classics instead of the unnecessary sequels.

Criminally Insane 2
(1987)

Can't get enough of criminally insane? Then there is something wrong with you.
The first movie was one of the worst Z grade movies I have ever seen, but it is ridiculously funny because of how bad it was. And 12 years later, Nick Phillips thought a sequel of Criminally insane will be successful. And he was wrong.

First, why do Z grade movies have a million alternative titles? In the opening credits it is called Criminally Insane 2, wile everyone (exept for IMDb) called this movie Crazy fat Ethel II.

You see again that there is no spoiler warning for this review, because this movie has the same plot (I use the word loosely) of the first movie: A obese woman kills everyone who is standing between her and the fridge, but this time it is much more ridiculous.

Speaking of the first movie, The 60 minute running time of this movie contains over 40% of stock footage of the 1975 film. The line between the old film reel and the cheap 1980s VHR camera is as clear as day.

Don't waist your time watching this, it's the same as watching the first movie two times. If you are really curios about this film, watch the review by the Cinema Snob (even he didn't want to waist time with this movie).

In the words of the Cinema Snob: I radder be f***ed by Mr Greenfield, than watching this peace of sh***t again.

Maleficent
(2014)

Absolutely nothing from what I expected (in a good way)
At the moment that I wrote this review I have just seen the movie. So this is an first impression review.

I am, like most people, a fan of the original 1959 Disney classic 'Sleeping Beauty', and consider Maleficent as one of the most evil villains ever created by Disney. So I have no idea what to expect of this film with Angelina Jolie playing the title character. In the end, it was an enjoyable movie.

As the plot of the movie, they changed Maleficents personality from just evil, to misunderstood, what is very interesting to me (you won't see the story of the original 1959 movie, only small scenes and the' once upon a dream' song at the end credits). She was in her childhood a good fairy, but was later betrayed by her lover, the later king Stefan (the real bad guy in this movie), who had stolen her wings in order to be king. She is slowly chancing into the villain we know from the first movie, seeking revenge to king Stefan and finds her crow (now a human character) later in the process. We later see an recreation of the scene in the original movie when Maleficent cursed the young Aurora.

Let's talk about the best thing in this movie: Angelina Jolie playing the title character. She just is Maleficent. In the scene in which she cursed the young princes, it was like she came straight from the original movie, she even has the same creepy laugh.

King Stefan was also different from the original, as the person who was the reason why Maleficent cursed his daughter. In this movie you see him becoming obsessed by Maleficent, what is turning him insane. That is what would happen to someone after 16 years of fear, that is something what was missing in the original movie.

But this movie is not without it's flaws. The actress who plays Aurora is pretty bland. The three fairy's, the second best thing in the 1959 movie, are nothing from what they are in the original. And they misused prince Phillip in this movie. One thing I was really disappointed by was that Maleficent herself didn't turn into a dragon, instead her crow became one.

In total, it is a good movie, but the original 1959 movie is more superior to this film. I recommend fans of the original to watch this movie, but they must not expect the original story. It is not even close to that.

Belle's Magical World
(1998)

This is an midquel of the only animated movie nominated for best picture?
When I started reviewing on IMDb, I began to watch all the Disney direct to video sequels. It was almost torture for me to watch all of them (I have seen 6 of them at the moment I wrote this review), but this one I only could watch 10 minutes of it before I turned of the PC and have to watch the first Beauty and the Beast to remind me that it was one of my favorite Disney films.

THIS THING IS A DISCRASE TO THE ORIGINAL ONE!!! The story is the bland, predictable plots of 3 failed episodes from a failed attempt of a TV- series (that is exactly what this is, and they ask $19.48 for it at eBay!!!!), the animation is just cheap and awful, the characters are nothing from what they were in the original (especially the beast), and the songs make Howard Ashman roll in his grave.

This is one of the WORST Disney DTV sequel I have ever seen (the worst one being Hunchback of Notre Dame II). Skip this movie, PLEASE!!!!!

Criminally Insane
(1975)

My heart is just fine as long as my brain is not exposed to this movie.
The first time I have heard of this title was in an review by The cinema snob. Judging from his review, I saw how bad this movie was. I than looked for the full movie. And OH MY GOD WAS THIS MOVIE BAD.

I will now explain the story. You see that this review has no spoiler warning, because you can tell the plot in just one line: An obese mental patient who kills everyone who is standing between her and the fridge. That's the entire story in a nutshell, there are some other things like the characters and the ending that I won't tell you (you can watch the cinema snob's review if you want to know that).

The "effects" on the blood are just cheap. The actors (if you can call them) don't look at the person they are talking to, and the music is driving me Criminally Insane.

This is an Z grade movie, so I am not surprised by the fact that this movie sucks, but I have to admit that this movie is hilarious, because of how bad it was. AVOID THIS AT ALL COSTS!!! (especially the sequel)

Frozen
(2013)

Lady's and gentlemen. We have entered a new Disney Renaissance!
The years between 1989 and 1999 is known as the age in which Disney became the god of animation. Films as The little mermaid, Beauty and the beast and the Lion King are considered to be some of the greatest movies in history. But the quality of Disney movies reduces when we entered the new millennium, with Home on the Ranch as the movie that killed Disney's hand-drawn animation.

Disney was finally back in business after 2009 with movies as The princes and the Frog, Tangled en Wreck 'it Ralph. When Frozen was announced, people thought that it will be like Tangled, but than with snow. But they are all wrong.

Here is the story in short. The story centers around two sisters, Anna and Elsa. Elsa, the oldest of the two, has the power of creating ice and snow. On one night while playing with her powers, Elsa accidentally hurt Anna with her ice. She will heal from it, but will forget that Elsa had ice powers. The king and queen isolated Elsa from Anna in order to protect her from hurting Anna. When Elsa was at age, she became queen of the country. She accidentally showed her ice powers to everyone, and flees into the mountains while the kingdom was set into an internal winter. The rest of the plot is that Anna is trying to save the kingdom and reunite with Elsa.

The story is one of the best ever, because it is like the typical Disney formula, but centers around the relationship of two sisters (Lilo and Stitch is the only one coming close to that).

The animation is just fantastic. The best part of it is the effects on the snow and ice. It is like the water effects in Finding Nemo, and it looks real.

The characters are great and memorable, with Anna and Elsa as the best of them. Elsa is probably the best complex character since the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. another great one is Olaf the talking snowman (do not believe the trailers. He is not annoying as hell).

The songs are the greatest since the early Disney Renaissance. Every song is great and memorable, from First time in forever to Let it Go (the one that won the Oscar of best original song).

To keep it short. This is a must watch for Disney fans, animation fans and everyone else. It is the Lion King of this new Disney age.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame II
(2002)

Both Walt and Victor are rolling in their graves.
Before I explain why this movie is an torture device, I will tell my opinion about the first Hunchback of Notre Dame. The 1996 version of the classic book by Victor Hugo is known for being the darkest of the Disney movies, and is one of my favorite Disney movies of them all (note to self: Review the first Hunchback of Notre Dame).

Enough with the masterpiece of the original, let's talk about the sh***t piece of a STD (or DVS). Do you remember the dark story of the original, with elements as lust, genocide and religious taboo's? Just like Frollo, thy throw it of Notre Dame to his death and replace it for a cliché as hell love story from beginning to end. I have a hate to everyone who wanted that Quasimodo must have the girl at the end of the first movie. It is because of them that this sequel exist.

The plot of this movie is this. The people of Paris prepare for their favorite holiday, the festival of love (what happened to fest of fools, I don't know). Quasimodo wonders if he will get a girlfriend, and a circus comes to town under the leadership of the laziest villain ever (one that wands money instead of one that wands to commit an total genocide). He wants to steal a bell implanted with jewels (what makes the bell a useless thing) and Madeline, his assistant, must distract Quasimodo in order for the villain to steal the bell. I will not explain the rest of the plot, because you will find it out yourself by reading the previous lines of text.

The dark, fantastic animation of the first movie is now replaced with cheap sequel animation, that has to many bright colors , and looks worse than an animated cartoon from the 80s. Hanna Barbara looks like an anime movie in compare with this film. You can see the cheapness of the animation in the population of Paris, what is reduced to about 20 people. In a scene with 50 people on screen, more than 30 of them are painted on the background.

The music is just bland, boring and forgettable. The worst song was song by the gargoyles, what was overly happy, in a bad way.

The characters from the first movie are not what they were. Phoebus for example is an racist prick, and his son Zepher is more annoying than the gargoyles. The new characters are not worth mentioning, because their personalities are thinner than the paper they're drawn on.

Fans of the book by Victor Hugo will find out that the 1996 movie is not that bad in compare with this film. Fans of the original movie need to stay AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM THIS THING!!!!!.

To make it short: This movie is bad.

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