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King of the Ants

A very stupid script
Top of the list: we're asked to sympathize with a man who accepts money for killing someone. That alone is the biggest hurdle. It's not worth going any further. The film's not worth it. I will say that I thought Stuart Gordon was more intelligent than this. Why didn't he just reject this juvenile script at first glance?


Were we really suppose to sympathize for a murdering mad woman?
How can critics call this a comedy? Insane pregnant woman goes on a murderous rampage killing all the people who she imagines her unborn baby wants dead. Oh, and every victim never fights back to save their own lives. Unpleasant unbelievable experience all around. Still can't believe this got 95% on rottentomatoes.

The Grasshopper

Resembles an American remake of Darling
Darling with Julie Christie came out in 1965 and this looks like an unofficial remake that takes place in the U.S instead of Britain. However, no one would think it would fall into the hands of TV hacks like Garry Marshall and Jerry (The Dick Van Dyke Show) Paris. It's a combination Showgirls and Valley of the Dolls. It's funny bad, though and worth hunting down. It's also worth the price to pay to see Jackie Bissett in bed with none other than Corbett Monica! True, it does show the gay lifestyle and interracial marriage in a blase fashion which is good. There's this funny scene where Jackie's having a shouting match with her boyfriend Jay. It's about money and he says, "We can even afford the mailblox." That's not a typo. He says mailblox. Also funny are the intrusive vocal songs that dominate a lot of the scenes. They pretty much stop the show and were probably considered groovy back in 1970. Enjoy!

The Prodigal

Pretty much a laugh-fest from middle to end
I'm voting 10 for all the wrong reasons. The Prodigal was completely enjoyable as a comedy. What's the point of lighting the metal point of a spear before you stab someone? They do it here. Do vultures really attack living human beings? They do here. I agree with all the reviewers who say that Lana was too old to play this role. And poor Purdom, always wincing whether the sun was out or not. His bad posture and dull line readings. The funniest part is when the big battle is going on at night in the streets and Louis Calhern is casually driving his chariot home from the saloon totally oblivious to whats going on around him. The mute slave climbs up Louie's horses, does an about face and throws a knife straight into Louie's neck. Priceless! The Medved/Dreyfus book The Worst Movies of All Time featured Solomon and Sheba starring Yul Brynner and Gina Lollobrigita. I guess they missed The Prodigal.


Kidman's breathy Monroe impression was really annoying...
I'm not a fan of anyone connected with this movie. I also heard how abysmal the film was before I watched it. Oh, Mammy, is this bad. Almost as bad as The Cat in the Hat. I had to avert my eyes it became so embarrassing. Elizabeth Montgomery was super cool, super sexy in the TV series. Kidman here is a complete airhead. Are we supposed to assume that she came to earth from outer space? The script writers were evidently having trouble deciding on what Isabel knows and what she doesn't know. She's knows enough about earthlings to rip off a real estate agent, but she doesn't know what cable TV is. Really bad writing.

The Mikado

Buster Keaton would have been great as Koko!!!!
This was an unexpected delight. The only exposure I had to The Mikodo was a live "under the stars" show at the Open Air Theater in Washington Crossing Park, N.J. (starring Lee Bristol, president of Bristol/Myers) and the film Topsy Turvy. Kenny Baker was OK, but I can't help thinking that he was "groomed" to be another Dick Powell. I was laughing like a little kid more than once at the zany antics. A bit more physical comedy could have been displayed but that might have endangered the purity of G&S. Looking at Martyn Green's performance made me think of how Buster Keaton could have played Koko. And that brought to mind the old television version with Groucho Marx in the role. Despite the cuts, it was a fine program.

Crime Wave

Noir movies are only as good as their villain
Ted deCorsia has that effortless ability to play a complete scumbag even while wearing a suit and tie. And together with Charles Bronson playing a big dumb brute raise the nervous factor in Crime Wave. There are a lot of noir films that can be enjoyed for the nostalgia or cute dialog factors. You can sit back and watch them with a cinema professors eye. However Crime Wave makes you want to reach into the screen and rip the villains apart with your bare hands. That means that they're doing their job very well. Again, hats off to Ted deCorsia in everything he did, except playing John Wayne's father-in-law in The Conqueror.

The Seven-Ups

The costume designer should have been shot
It's almost a guilty pleasure. Hokey would be the word to describe it. The producer was obviously trying to capture lighting in a bottle a second time, but the production is too lazy. They're coasting. That lousy blue fedora they make Richard Lynch wear in the car scenes in the beginning looks like they bought it at a used clothing store. The car wash sequence builds adequate suspense until we see the bad guys wearing these silly fisherman's rain coats like the guy on the frozen fish box in the supermarket. It's hilarious. The acting is sub-par: Tony Lobianco's weepy finale. A sub-standard French Connection wannabee.

The Oscar

Bird seed?
There are good and bad movies in every genre. The genre of the film making business contains Sunset Boulevard, The Player, Contempt. It also contains Won Ton Ton, The Wild Party and The Oscar. One of the things wrong with the Oscar is that it's attempt to portray low down sleaze with kid gloves. If the story is down and dirty, FILM it down and dirty. Where Hymie Kelly should have yelled BULLS**T, they have him yell, "BIRDSEED." I would love to remake this movie and make it totally repulsive and revolting. Make it a Hollywood story by way of Sin City. Take no prisoners. Change the names that would normally distract from the horrible elements that would push the story forward. Where do I sign?

The Wild Party

Unintentionally hilarious!!!
One critic said it never had a release in the states which is wrong. I saw it in a theater in Princeton, N.J. It was long before the Merchant/Ivory rep kicked in. James Coco was probably the closest they could come to a Fatty Arbuckle look-a-like, but his performance is miserable. When he realizes that he has no backers for his new film and his mistress Queenie has run off with Perry King, he stands on the landing of his staircase and drunkenly berates the remaining guests at his party. The funny thing is that the camera never moves, nor are there any cutaways from him. He just goes on and on when someone should have yelled cut. Raquel Welch's musical numbers were, I suppose, meant to entice lusty revelry among the guests, but she's not that talented. Leave that sort of thing to Mae West. The whole project smacks of Golan-Globus amateur theatrics. Bad writing, bad acting, bad lighting, bad cinematography.

Meet the Fockers

A few notches below your average I Love Lucy episode
With a script pulled from a cesspool, the performers pretty much did what they could. Meet the Parents was a VERY mean spirited comedy that was more infuriating than funny. Meet the Fockers is a little milder. Jack Burns is one twisted individual. There are attempts at humor, but they are all vanquished because you never know when Burns is going to freak out and hit someone. The only funny sequence was the message therapy with Streisand and DeNiro, mainly because of the editing and comic timing which were good. And what's this new trend in animal cruelty meant to be funny? That's very irresponsible. I'm a dog lover and even though I don't care for cats, feline punishment is a real turnoff during a comedy.

Batman Begins

Schumacher should stick his head in a hole
I always found it quite easy to imagine a good dark Batman film after reading The Killing Joke and seeing some panels from The Dark Knight comics. They were quite thrilling. Batman Begins compared to the other Batman movies is like comparing Harry Palmer to James Bond. Harry had no fancy gadgets to do his spying. The Ipcress File even had a lengthy sequence where Harry signs for his gun! This is what the new Batman movie is like. Scenes are believable. He doesn't just don the suit. He designs it, builds it, orders elements in secret from China in bulk so they won't get suspicious. Bruce Wayne needs psychiatric help VERY BADLY. But let's face it, if he went to the doctor instead of dressing up like a bat, there'd be no movie. Lastly, my heart goes out to Joel Schumacher. What an misunderstood artist he is. Gone are the bat-nipples, the close-ups of bat-ass, the neon, the flash, the glitz: all required elements of a super hero movie. Why, he may be biting his pillow as I write this

Unfaithfully Yours

Was it my imagination or...
...was Dudley Moore's character drunk through most of the movie. I kept looking at his eyes and it seemed to me that he was intoxicated in scenes that featured no spirits. I rented the DVD because of the one and only funny scene where he follows his wife into the cinema and loudly accosts two strangers. He slithers into the row in front, pops up and screams, "YOU WHORE!!!" It's hilarious. However, it's the ONLY laugh in the movie. If Dudley felt he needed to be drunk to play some scenes, then shame on him. A lot of comedic actors get stuck in a bad script and they still do their job. Someday I hope to see the original Preston Sturges comedy starring Rex Harrison.

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