realmuthaf

IMDb member since August 2014
    Lifetime Total
    25+
    IMDb Member
    9 years

Reviews

The Creator
(2023)

Goes from mediocre to awful
The trailers for the Creator gave the impression of a pretty-looking movie with a generic plot about how some chosen kid will bring peace to humans and robots. So I went in to see it with fairly meager expectations, but the movie managed to fail even them.

The plot is horribly hole-ridden, and the rules of the world change constantly. In the near-future, the US have an orbital military station that shoots missiles everywhere it wants. In some scenes, it's huge, in others, not so much. In some scenes it needs to be directly above its target to shoot missiles, in others it can hit anything in the world while comfortably hanging somewhere around the stratosphere. It can also pop up in any country's aerospace without any objections, and so can the US army. One of the more ridiculous scenes was where the Americans somehow sneak in a tank to shoot up a village, and the tank is so humongous it's the size of half the village itself.

While the first two aren't exactly top-notch cinema, the third act of the film descends into a ludicrous schizophrenic dragged-out mess. It is revealed that the protagonist's wife has been on life-support for 5 years. He asks why haven't the robots turned it off, and gets a response that robots can't hurt its creator. The fact that robots in this area coexist with humans and they could've asked is ignored, so the protagonist (expertly poorly played by Denzel Washington's son) can experience forced drama.

The Americans capture the kid and want to kill her but they for whatever reason cannot, and need the protagonist, who has paternal feelings for her, to do it. He super-conspicously whispers something to her before shooting her with an EMP gun, and in 5 minutes of screen time a huge plot twist is revealed - he did not kill her, he stunned her. After this shocking revelation the two manage to evade the US army in a local airport, hijack a plane to the moon (I'm not making this up, Gareth Edwards did!) and fly to the military station mentioned earlier.

On the military station a garrison of some 10 men try to stop them but are promptly vacuumed into space. Apart from them, there is no military personnel on the military station. At all. The kid literally runs to the control center and back without even meeting anyone on the way. After some more forced drama, the kid evacuates, and the station blows up. Fade to black.

So what wasn't bad about the Creator? Well, some cinematography looked good, and so did Gemma Chan. There were also plenty of CG explosions, if you're into that kind of stuff.

I've read people say that this is a rare example of big budget original Sci-Fi. Well it's not. There's no "Sci" here, it's a distinctively poorly-written fantasy flick with plenty of explosions and a played-out morale.

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
(2023)

Just how?
How can Across the Spider-Verse be so ridiculously good? How can it surpass the already excellent original in every conceivable way? How can it juggle dozens of well-written characters, numerous story-lines, various visual styles, genuinely funny jokes and dramatic moments that actually work? How can it tell a cohesive complete story, develop on the first movie's plot lines, and set up the third one so thrillingly, while making 2 and a half hours pass by like mere minutes?

Well, apparently, it just can, and I'm grateful to the team behind it for pulling this off. Can't wait to see Beyond the Spider-Verse.

Comes with a complementary great soundtrack, much like the first one, by the way.

The Mandalorian
(2019)

More of Disney Star Wars
I honestly don't get the sudden praise for this, especially amidst bashing of the latest "Star Wars" feature. Like Disney's movies, this product survives only on endless references to Lucas' two trilogies (mainly the old one, as aging brainless nerds are still catered to), but brings nothing new to the franchise and doesn't expand it in any way.

Plot-wise, the Mandalorian is empty. Filled with cheesy lines, each episode is a package of played-out filmmaking cliches - the hardened warrior having feelings all of a sudden, the noble protagonist joining a band of misfits "for one last job" and getting betrayed, etc. The story is structured like that of an old bad videogame - the protagonist gets a quest from an NPC (you need to capture the kid - you need to free a prisoner - you need to help the peasants, the list goes on), completes it and gets a quest from another, the story doesn't unfold on its own in any major way. A few paragraphs could be dedicated to the stupidity of both supporting and the titular characters, to how dumbly he falls into any trap laid before him, and how he tries to be a badass in one scene only to be beaten up in another, but this is getting too long anyway.

Finally, I don't understand the necessity of Pedro Pascal's involvement. The titular character never shows his face, and playing him doesn't require any acting abilities, you just read the lines blandly. IMDb's trivia even says that he doesn't appear on screen at all in episode 1, it's all body doubles. I would just fire him and save some budget.

I've read people say "this finally has the right vibe". The only thing likening this to the old movies is how cheap it looks compared to modern feature films.

Joker
(2019)

Overhyped
As expected, Joker is not the masterpiece everyone makes it out to be.

The first 3/4ths of the movie is a generic tear-squeezing sob story about a socially awkward guy who is constantly abused by right about anyone (seriously, he gets beaten up by randoms twice within the first hour or so), and eventually snaps into violence. Up until the final half an hour I leaned towards a 2-3/10, but it finally managed to produce some tense, if predictable scenes. Funnily enough, the movie got better when the titular character started resembling more of its classic version, while all the "bold reimagining" only managed to produce an unlikeable and unrelatable loser.

From the technical standpoint, Joker looks slick with pretty good cinematography. As for acting, Phoenix grimaces too hard here, and I was overall left unimpressed. Have to give credit for the severe weight loss he underwent for the role, though. The music, while mostly fitting, sometimes also adds to the already overly-forced sobbing atmosphere with the least subtle violin ever played. The handful of Batman references here are largely unnecessary for the plot and only work to sell the movie to the broader audience, which, as we all know, worked out pretty well.

All in all, Joker tries to be pretentious, artsy and deep, but is only capable to churn out an outplayed moral that our society is toxic and violent, an overacting Phoenix and a few bloody scenes to look more edgy. Forgettable and overrated, although I expected nothing more.

El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie
(2019)

Shouldn't exist
Wow, what a way to spoil one of the best TV shows out there. Now it was clear from the start that there is zero point in making this movie apart from its creators making more money, but I didn't expect it to be this bad.

Basically, the entire film is dedicated to pathetic humiliation of Pinkman, both in past and present. For example, in the past, it is shown that he is so worthless that he couldn't make his escape when literally handed a gun. In the present, he's so lowly he steals from his poor parents. I never liked Pinkman's character in the original show, but the El Camino version reached new heights in making him unlikable. Moreover, he is different from his BB show version. I mean, once given the chance, he straggles Todd in the final episode with no remorse, but in this insult of a movie, he breaks down in tears and says he likes Pepperoni pizza when given an opportunity to shoot him with no witnesses around. Really painful to watch.

There's a bunch of fan service with various cameos, but a lot of references didn't even work for me, as the show ended what, 6 years ago, and I don't remember all the plot details.

Season 5 of Breaking Bad was a largely unnecessary epilogue, as season 4 wrapped things up nicely, but it ended up having some of the best episodes of the entire show. This, however, is a shameless spit in the face of the audience. If you hold any good memories of Breaking Bad, do yourself a favor and skip this.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
(2018)

Puts the "Amazing" back into "Spider-Man"
I didn't quite expect this level of good when going to the cinema - Into The Spider-Verse ended up delivering on pretty much everything.

The jokes are actually funny - no underage cringy garbage shoehorned by Disney into their movies. Special thanks to Nicholas "Noir" Cage. The visual style is astonishing, pays close homage to the comics, but still looks distinct and aesthetically pleasing. The drama here surprisingly works, and some moments in this movie are very far from being childish. Of course the Spider-Verse also has a ton of references to everything from the Raimi trilogy to the recent PS4 game, and they're also great, make sure to stay for the after-credits scene. Even the protagonist Morales also works, as opposed to the aforementioned PS4 game, where he was kind of dull.

So yeah, miles (no pun intended) ahead of the MCU and of Sony's own previous live-action attempts, Into The Spider-Verse is a great animated movie, totally looking forward to the announced spin-off and sequel.

Deadpool 2
(2018)

A sequel as it should be
Finally, after all the underwhelming repetitive single-use superhero flicks Deadpool returns to save the day.

Deadpool 2 is the exemplary sequel - it just takes all the original's ingredients and carefully improves upon them.

The first movie felt a bit confined with just a couple of locations due to its low budget - this one feels like a proper blockbuster. The first had modest action - here the amount, scale and choreography (thanks to director Devit Leitch) of fight scenes is heightened noticeably. The situation with jokes here is on par with the original - there are a lot of them, some don't work, but many do and the overall impression is very much favorable, there are plenty of laughs to be had here. The sheer number of characters involved is also increased, which does leave some with little screen time, like Negasonic Warhead.

Had it not been for the stretched-out ending and a few story hiccups, this might've even been a 10/10 contender. While WB keep wasting their comic universe's potential and Disney keeps spitting out generic junk of descending quality, Deadpool 2 manages to be as good as its predecessor and set directly set things up for sequels. And I say, keep them coming.

Black Panther
(2018)

De Blek Pentha
So I've decided to fill my only remaining gap in the MCU franchise, and oh my God, this wreck of a movie is the new absolute low not just for superhero flicks, but for cinema in general.

It's just horrible in every conceivable way. The plot is disjointed and stupid, with unbearably tedious dialogues and painfully poor acting. Listening to the dialogues is especially repulsive thanks to the African accents the cast is using, so prepare to hear things like "pentha (panther)" and "teeknoludgee (technology)". Chadwick Boseman especially excels at this, delivering a performance that perfectly mimics a speech impediment and an astute case of autism. Every other actor is just as cringeworthy, except for Michael B. Jordan (partially) and Andy Serkis and Martin Freeman, coincidentally the only two white actors in this garbage. But the veteran actors' serviceable performances cannot pull this trash out of the abyss.

The setting for the movie is also unimaginably ridiculous - apparently there is a technologically advanced African nation hidden in plain sight. However, despite being so advanced, it selfilshly offers no aid to its neighbors, honors ridiculous savage traditions and has its soldiers armed with spears and swords. Thanks, but even a talking raccoon breaks the suspension of disbelief less than this. If ludicrous colorful costumes weren't enough to annihilate the visual aesthetics of the movie, it's also filled with old video game-quality CGI that makes your bleed, so obviously it stands out.

But wait, it's an action movie, right, perhaps there are some thrills to be had? Well no Sir, because about 90% of action sequences are done with the same cheap CGI while the remaining 10% are horrendously choreographed with slow unrealistic motions during fights.

To add to all this bedlam this film allows itself racist phrases like "Great, another white boy to heal". The fact that this mucus gained over a billion at the box office is disgusting and shows how far both Disney and the herds called "general audiences" have fallen.

Avengers: Infinity War
(2018)

Infinite Mediocrity
Infinity War is the same predictable mediocre flick for children as usual, only one that's too big for its own good.

The previous team-up movies had a generic structure: some unmenacing bad guy arrives so the heroes have to unite - the heroes do unite, but the bad guy seems to take the upper hand - the heroes regroup and defeat the bad guy. Since IW was planned as two movies (more movies = more cash, not like there's some story to be told here), the structure is split between them, so the first one ends with the heroes seemingly defeated. But since we know that a sequel releases literally next year, the many character deaths feel cheap and pointless, kind of like that of Superman in BvS. And there are way too many heroes to give everyone proper screen time and things to do anyway.

There's literally nothing to see here apart from these forced deaths - there's no original plot involved, it's just another CGI purple Homer Simpson lookalike who wants to kill everyone "for balance" with added amounts of forced drama and tedious dialogues. He also has some CGI minions that look like early-2000's video game villains, but I don't think those were even named. Also the film's largest battle is that between some CGI 4-armed monkeys and an African tribe armed with spears. Yeah.

Also, still remember Thor Ragnarok? You know, the one which was mostly pointless as usual, but it did have Thor lose his hammer and eye? Well now it's completely pointless as he has both back. Just like IW will become pointless next year when the follow-up comes around.

I quite liked the first two Avengers movies, and while the third one (Civil War) was already slightly overstuffed, it was still serviceable. This, however, just continues the downward trend of movies like Guardians 2 and Thor 3.

Annihilation
(2018)

Annihilation of common sense
After "Ex Machina" I expected more from director Alex Garland. Annihilation is pretentious, boring and ultimately style over substance.

The premise itself is intriguing - there is an expanding supernatural Zone out of which nobody has returned, except for Natalie Portman's husband, who appears to have no memory of prior events. Portman herself is a university professor who presumed her husband dead.

However, everything goes downhill really quick. First, literally on the 3rd minute of the movie we are shown a comet hitting a lighthouse, which immediately eliminates any mystery regarding the Zone's origins, as it's clearly extraterrestrial. Then we are led to believe that the Zone has been expanding for 3 years already. And what has the government organization overseeing it done in the meantime? Perhaps, send a large-scale military/scientific expedition with lots of gear and vehicles? Well no Sir! They have only sent a few small teams, none of which ever communicate or come back. So, by the movie's events, the current squad consists of 5 suicidal women who barely have any relevant skills for the mission. And while all are "scientists", the only person who tries to do some research is Portman, who at least takes biological samples along the way.

And how our 5 girl-scouts act once they enter the zone is unspeakable. They go in without any protective gear(!) and only M4s for weapons(!!), with only Portman having prior shooting experience(!!!), follow no plan and just wander around wasting time(!!!!) and leave no marks to be able to find their way back, as GPS and even compasses don't work(!!!!!).

Besides the sci-fi-ish premise, the movie also has some horror elements, so there are obligatory scenes of a team member being snatched from behind, and one team member losing their mind and acting hostile towards others. The latter scene looks very lame, by the way. There is some suspense in the film, but not enough of it.

While Annihilation has some pretty, albeit low-budget, imagery, the story feels like its writer just came up with some creepy moments but didn't care to stitch them together in any sensible way. There isn't any sense in Thessa Thompson's turning into some sort of discount Poison Ivy and disappearing. There isn't any sense or consistency in the CG-alien's actions. Why has it "entered" Jennifer Jason-Leigh and obliterated her? Why hasn't it done so with Portman, and played some copycat game instead? The alien core can be burned to the ground with a single phosphorus grenade, really? Why didn't Isaac's duplicate (whose reveal was as obvious and predictable as possible) also burn down, while all the other alien constructs were destroyed?

The answer to all those questions is because the writer did a sh***y job, that's why. Unfortunately, Annihilation is a disappointment.

The Shape of Water
(2017)

The Shape of Undeserved Praise
To be honest, the whole premise of a love story between a woman and some weird merman seemed unattractive to me to begin with, but the Oscars did their advertising job in the end. And my intuition did not fail, Shape of Water is boring, weird, and overly-sweet all at the same time.

To start with the good things - visually it's well-filmed and the 60's are stylishly presented. It's nothing ground-breaking, but overall solid. The second good aspect are the actors, everyone plays their roles convincingly. I would point out Michael Shannon in particular, he proved that he can be a great antagonist before, and he's done it again, I was actually rooting for his character throughout.

However, the story is a dull bizarre mess. To begin with, it is overwhelmingly unoriginal - the sheepish sugar-sweet lonely protagonist, the captive creature that is tortured instead of being communicated with, the army man antagonist. The movie is just a drag, and everything is as predictable as it can be.

Now I can buy the ancient overused trope about the protagonist empathizing to some captive intelligent creature, but explicitly having sex with it? And yeah, there's actually plenty of unnecessary nudity (Shannon shags his wife. Ok.) and allusions to the creature's penis. Well, whatever gets you that Oscar, I guess. I mean I'm no prune, but in my opinion nudity is justified when it helps to convey some point and flesh out the story, not visualize someone's sick fantasies. Sorry, but my suspension of disbelief just doesn't cover the "woman gets turned on by slippery scaly aquatic monster" thing.

To add to that, there's an absolutely redundant meaningless side plot about a gay old man failing to get together with another dude, and a couple of scenes dedicated to showing that Shannon's character has a sexual fetish for silence. That's when you thought this movie couldn' get any more creepy.

And since we're at it, I would really question how realistic it is that some random cleaners are allowed access to classified assets in a top-secret research facility. There's also an uncomfortably stereotypical black woman who grossly overcompensates for the muteness of the main character. Also at one point the movie has a horrendously out-of-place musical number in it, like in some Disney flick. Yeah, this merman's design is suspiciously reminiscent of some sidekick of Hellboy in Del Toro's own movie.

So, best movie of the year? No way. I've recently also watched "Three Billboards...", and it's miles ahead than this trash.

Mission: Impossible II
(2000)

Mission: Impossibly Cheesy
So, after seeing the adrenaline-pumped trailer for MI Fallout I decided to go to the franchise roots and finally see the original three films. And while the first one was already cheesy enough, this movie is simply on another level.

Since MI2 is old news now, and probably no one will ever read this anyway, I'll just list some of the more ridiculous moments I remember:

  • Implausible love line and how creepy Cruise is when he "seduces" the discount Zoe Saldana. Also how totally accidentally her perky tits are accentuated in half the shots. Sorry.


  • The uncomfortably stereotypical Aussie dude in Ethan's team.


  • Constant dramatic zoom-ins on the actors' faces.


  • Constant dramatic slo-mo shots.


  • Tom Cruise doing backflips and other Wrestlemania-style moves.


  • Tom Cruise sliding on the concrete road while holding onto a bike.


  • "That punk put a whole in my Versace".


  • How stupid it is that instead of calling in reinforcements to take down the Scottish villain, Ethan works with just 2 guys and keeps a low profile for some reason.


  • How stupid it is that destroying the virus samples solves anything, like there the company has no data to reconstruct it at will.


  • How stupid it is that Ethan apparently always carries a mask of himself and of the Blonde villain guy, as well as his voice modulator, in case he needs to do a totally unforeseeable switch-up in a critical moment.


  • The beginning says "music by Hans Zimmer", but the music, just like everything else, is also pure trash.

The Cloverfield Paradox
(2018)

Solid
A decent space thriller with some tense moments, Cloverfield Paradox reminded me of the recent Life movie with Ryan Reynolds.

From the pros - it has a nicely convoluted sci-fi plot; good suspense; overall decent acting and some nice references to the first Cloverfield movie.

As for the cons, the main one is that the movie drops the bar towards its end. The tenseness and intrigue die down, and most of the characters start doing increasingly dumb things, especially the "British" woman. She, while being given the most screen time, is the most annoying character of all with uneven acting and unconvincing family drama. Also, you can tell that the scenes on Earth were added later in production mainly to tie the movie to the "Cloververse", as they're largely redundant and don't add much to the plot.

So, while it could have been better, the Cloverfield Paradox is still quite good and it's a neat surprise that it has come out out on the same day as the trailer.

What We Do in the Shadows
(2014)

Is this supposed to be funny?
So I reluctantly decided to watch this film, that had oh such good ratings from critics and audiences alike. What did I see?

Well, level of production inferior to some of YouTube videos nowadays, for starters. Everything looks dirt-cheap with laughable effects and poor camera work. I read that the budget was 1.6 million dollars, yet it looks 1.59 million dollars cheaper.

But it's not just about the looks, right? It's a comedy, after all, it's the writing that matters! Well unfortunately the jokes here are pure sh*t mostly. It's all dirt-cheap puns about how werewolves act like dogs, so they smell and run after sticks. Or how these guys are vampires, so they can't wear silver necklases as it burns, and they bite people. Oh wow, my belly just hurts so much from all the laughter. There's also some unnecessary vulgarity, which doesn't really help anything.

The only reasons this was not a 1/10 are that were like 2 moderately amusing gags, and the whole thing lasts less than an hour and a half, so while it is a tedious bore, it's not as long as it could've been. I heard about this movie after its director and writer Taika Waititi (or whatever) was praised for "bringing his charm and wit" to Thor Ragnarok, which I'm yet to watch. Well if Thor Ragnarok has the same level of humor as this than it's likely also borderline unwatchable trash.

After the credits one of the characters says something along the lines of "You will forget the contents of this movie". I wish I did, honestly.

Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi
(2017)

The Demise of Star Wars
Let's see if the third time's the charm.

Wow, the lackluster trailers failed to give me any hype for this, so I wasn't even expecting much, but this, this is a new definition of "low".

Virtually everything in this movie is outright bad. The plot is disjointed and stupid. The action is bland, the space battles lack in scale and logic, with 1 fighter being able to destroy all of a huge dreadnought's cannons. As for lightsaber duels, well, there are none for Christ's sake! And the one fight using sabers has horrible choreography that is nowhere near the spectacle of acrobatic battles of the overly-hated prequels.

The characters also suck, both old and new. The largest new addition is an ugly fat (I mean, body-positive) Asian chick who is extra-annoying and whose subplot leads to nowhere. As for the old ones, Kylo and the Ginger still act like hysterical children whereas our Wonder-Girl can still do amazing feats of the Force with no prior training, like holding a ton of boulders without breaking a sweat.

The huge problem is that Episode 8 has managed to blatantly flush the intriguing stuff from Force Awakens down the toilet. Big SPOILERS ahead.

Made theories about who is Snoke? Nevermind, he is just a CGI model with no backstory who dies after a stupid cliche villain monologue.

Thought Phasma would be an actual character, a leader of the stormtroopers? Nah, she is just an extra who also wastes the chance to kill off the heroes to die in an utterly stupid way.

Hoped that Luke would kick some butt for the old times' sake? No Sir, he's just gonna project some sort of hologram of himself and then die for no reason! How would he even make that "hologram" on another planet with the Force?

Theorized as to who would be Rey's parents? Obi-Wan, Sarlacc maybe? Lo and behold, they are noname off-screen god-forsaken bums.

Sounds amazing right? To add to that there's garbage like:

Boring talks about Hope and Resistance; Yoda's cameo who looks like a plastic piece of cr*p from the old movies, talks nonsense and somehow spawns a bolt of lightning even though Force ghosts have never been able to interact with the physical world before; A space casino which looks like a normal Earth casino but with some silly creatures; Leia survives in outer space and flies like Superman though she has never displayed any knowledge of the Force except for some connection with Luke; A lot of sugar-cutie (ice foxes) and disgusting ("Porgs", that thing with nipples) creatures designed so the incarnation of Satan aka "Disney" would sell merchandise; The annoying Asian prevents Finn from stopping the ram thing for no reason.

This isn't even close to everything wrong with this movie, just what I remember off the bat. It's one of the two films that I've ever given a 1/10 to (the other being Movie 43) and the single worst movie in the Star Wars franchise. I now have zero willingness to see Episode 9 or that trilogy that will be written and directed by this movie's creator, Rian "Worthless Hack" Johnson.

The Star Wars are dead, baby. Was fun while it lasted.

Stand Up Guys
(2012)

Part embarrassing to watch, part hits the feels
What the title says. Stand Up Guys is a pretty weird movie.

Out of its humble runtime of 1.5 hours, the first half or even more feels like some wacky mission out of the Grand Theft Auto games, but with old people. Al Pacino does some really cringy stuff that's borderline painful to watch, like trying to pick up young girls, sniffing prescription drugs, taking boner pills and banging hookers. Seeing the man who used to be Tony Montana reduced to this goofy comic relief was actually pretty sad.

The action does pick up somewhat with the introduction of Alan Arkin's character, and the movie's not-so-orignal plot about old-timers getting together for one last time and trying to do things they could not do before starts working. The granddaughter and the kill-your-friend subplots do manage to be touching to a certain extent, while the girl-in-trunk one feels out of place.

Overall the pacing does drag throughout the movie, which isn't really acceptable given its runtime, and there is just too much random sh*t happening like the old men committing numerous crimes with no consequences, be it stealing cars, breaking into shops or shooting people. As I said, like in GTA games. Also, spoiler alert, but Arkin's death was ridiculously random.

I'd also like to commend the solid soundtrack and Addison Timlin, who acts well and is just a sweetheart. 6/10 in total, not bad, but not that good either.

xXx: Return of Xander Cage
(2017)

Wish there was a "time wasted on watching this" refund
Wow, this is some woeful garbage that I have just managed to finish watching on my second try.

I watched the first two xXx movies back when I was still in school, and I liked those a lot, especially the second one due to all the hip-hop influences, but this just should not exist.

Everything here is complete trash: nonsensical plot, awfully cringy jokes, embarrassing one liners, pathetically cheap CGI, bland action sequences, retarded dialogues, actors who do not act. Diesel trying to look fast and agile while being an overweight badly aging walking ballsack is just laughable. And to boost his ego he had to include a group orgy scene with himself, disgusting. I wonder how much were the actresses paid to make out with him. Another particularly annoying actress in my opinion was the Indian woman, who could not act for sh*t (more so than the others) and had a very repulsive accent. The whole flick looks like some sort of a dreadful mix between an early 2000's direct-to-DVD B movie and some Bollywood circus. Kind of like Fast & Furious but even more stupid (which I didn't think was humanly possible) and with a smaller budget.

The only two reasons why this is not a 1/10 are Ice Cube's cameo with his own "Thank God" playing in the background, and the presence of Nina Dobrev, who is almost too adorable. If you hold any good memory of the first two movies, do yourself a favor and do not watch this piece of sh*t.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle
(2017)

Worse than the first one, but no by much
First of all, I'm going to have spoilers galore in this one, so beware.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle is quite similar to the original in its vibrant color palette, good action with active camera and long takes, brutality and crude humor. Unlike the first movie, this one does have a pace drop in the middle, but in my view it wasn't too bad. Another difference is that the degree of absurdity has been elevated, and basically all scenes with Elton John are a prime example of that.

There are quite a few things in the storyline that I would have done differently, though.

First, Roxy is just not done justice - she is basically killed off- screen despite being a prominent character in the original, and is only mentioned like twice afterwards. I thought that this means that she would reappear closer to the end, but unfortunately it was not the case. Next movie, maybe?

Second, Merlin was also laid off quite needlessly, even without letting him have a proper fight scene. Could he not just wait in the bushes on the mine for a few hours? They weren't spotted when they stepped on it.

Third, Firth's return was a mistake, in my opinion. The first movie boldly broke some stereotypes and killed one of the protagonists and it was memorable. Now all that has been reduced to an implausible resurrection and return to the same stereotypes the first movie managed to break - we have an amnesiac mentor, who at first doesn't remember his old self, but then comes to his senses. You know, like in Men In Black 2, for instance.

Among other things: there is no mention of Eggsy's little sister; the entire love line with the Swedish princess is completely useless; the American agents were underused; the new villain is similar to the old one but more boring; Whiskey's endgame motivation was really stupid. Oh, and if you want to implant a tracker into the mucous membrane of a woman, you'd think it would be easier to put the finger with it into her drink rather than her vagina.

Sounds like a lot, doesn't it? True, but most of that comes to mind in some time after seeing the movie, while my overall impression upon watching was favorable. It's still a good movie, only without the same freshness the original brought and with some disproportions between the film's elements. I would be interested in a third part, though.

Rick and Morty: The ABCs of Beth
(2017)
Episode 9, Season 3

The ABC's of making a bad episode
This season so far has been hit or miss, and it's biased towards miss at this point, with this being one of the worst episodes of the whole show.

So, this is yet another episode dedicated to more piece of sh*t boring cheap redundant family "drama", a theme that has been prevalent in a good number of episodes this season. For the better part of the runtime Beth wants Rick to say that he was a bad father, he agrees but also points out that she herself is a sociopath. This is force-fed to the viewer for more than half of the episode. The remainder is dedicated to showing that Jerry is still a coward and an idiot, but now they actually say make him say those words, literally. I guess it's done so that the amazingly smart audience doesn't miss the idea. There are also cheap gags that are not funny and wannabe edginess with themes like incest and cannibalism, so that kids can say "WOW, THAT WAS DARK!".

I gotta love that people say that garbage like this is "character development". No, it's not character development, because nothing has developed - Beth has always been an unlikable c*nt and is now an even more unlikable c*nt, Jerry has always been a weak pathetic sh*tbag and he still is.

The ending has ambiguity whether that's the real Beth or not, but the thing is, I don't give a flying f*ck because of how repulsive that character is.

The thing is, all of it was predictable back when the promo for this episode first aired. I hope the season finale will be at least somewhat enjoyable.

P.S. Please note that I have never written reviews for individual TV series episodes, but this was so bad I had no choice. Peace out.

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
(2017)

Get Knighted
Seriously, again? Again, Guy Ritchie makes an awesome movie with potential for sequels and an outstanding kick-ass soundtrack from Daniel Pemberton, and again it fails to get good critic reviews and solid box office performance?

If there are two most unfair box office performance patterns these days, those are Disney's frame-by-frame "live-action" (i.e. CGI) worthless remakes of their classic cartoons getting billions of dollars and Guy Ritchie's two last movies (this and the equally amazing U.N.C.L.E.) severely underperforming financially. Let's see the outcome when those two trends collide with Ritchie making an Aladdin movie.

In the meantime, don't listen to the so-called "critics" and watch The Legend of the Sword. It's a great, hugely entertaining action movie with solid performances from the main (Hunnam, Law) and the side characters alike. The pacing is impeccable, with the action not letting you go throughout the film. It's got some great, Ritchie trademark humor and dynamic editing, too. The CGI can look cheap, and that's probably my only complaint aside from a few minor ones. Oh, and did I mention the kick-ass soundtrack? I did, but again, it's so good I stayed through the credits just to listen to it, and immediately got myself the album after watching the movie.

Warner Bros., please, take some of that comic book money and let Ritchie make Arthur 2 or U.N.C.L.E. 2, the world will be a better place.

Dunkirk
(2017)

Chris Nolan's expensive WW2 playground
Christopher Nolan is no original choice when it comes to picking favorite directors, and I'm no non-conformist in this sense, I liked very much every movie of his that I've watched so far. And while I can't say I dislike this either, I believe that Dunkirk is his inferior work.

From the technical standpoint, of course, everything is beautiful, with Warner Bros. basically letting Nolan make a small World War 2 of his own with real boats and planes and over a thousand extras. There's also an interesting gimmick with three timelines of different length being shown at the same time, as the events happening on the beach lasted a week, on the sea - a day, in the skies - an hour. It's still a gimmick, but a fairly interesting one, and if not for it, I'm afraid the movie would've been way too boring.

The problem is that Dunkirk failed to resonate with me in almost any way. I've read people say that the film is devoid of emotion, but I don't think it's exactly a problem here - an idea to make a war movie just about survival isn't a flawed one, we've had plenty of movies over-glorifying soldiers in the past. But still, my impression of the film was very superficial and started to immediately wither away even as I was walking out of the theater. The director obviously wanted to generate and hold suspense for the majority of the movie, but I thought that it didn't work, even though there were a few tense moments.

Two additional minor nitpicks are that the PG-13 rating shows more in a war film, especially after the recent Hacksaw Ridge, and that it looked pretty weird that there were only three Spitfires on the British side and a dozen of planes on the German side. As Wikipedia tells us, the airborne casualties of both sides were over a hundred planes each and while I get that Nolan couldn't get himself a whole working fleet of planes, their small number still looked off.

Another thing I've heard people praise is the soundtrack. Here Hans Zimmer thought that if he's a renowned composer unanimously praised by viewers and critics alike, he might as well just record a clock ticking and add some random drums to it and still get away with it. And alas! He succeeded. Waiting for him to record the sound of himself burping with drums and loud noises in the background and still being praised for the next movie.

So yeah, Dunkirk looks good and is loud, but that's about it, unfortunately. I would say that Mr. Nolan in general is not overrated, but this particular movie of his just might be.

Wonder Woman
(2017)

Weak Woman
The most critically acclaimed movie in the DCEU so far, seriously? In fact, this movie is the most unimaginative and the weakest entry in the franchise so far.

There are two good things about the movie really, and those are the leads. First, Gal Gadot is drop-dead gorgeous, this cannot be denied. He acting can be sub-par at times, but overall she plays her part well. Second, Chris Pine is still a charismatic dude who, also being a primary protagonist, delivers his performance well enough and has some of the better comedic moments.

But the problem is, that's about it! The action in the movie goes from mediocre to outright messy, with overabundance of CGI and shaky editing. The CGI in general often looks visibly cheap. The sidekick characters are cliché (the only thing that Scotsman lacked was a bagpipe) or cringy (the plump woman, but thank God that's not Melissa McCarthy). The villain is just pathetic, with the cringiest lines imaginable, stereotypical lines like "Join me or die" and tedious lecturing on the morality of man. Compared to somebody like Zod from Man of Steel it's just unacceptable. The "humor" here is often out of place with the overall serious war tone of the movie, and goes from the passable "Diana says some ridiculous stuff about Greek Gods while Steve looks skeptical" to the unbearably ludicrous "Oh look they talk about sex in a very uncomfortable way". The plot is just bland and overused, as are most of the dialogues, especially in Themyscira ("You must not go, Diana. Okay, go Diana.") Oh, and our wannabe- pacifist-serial-killer heroine defeats the big baddie using "the power of love", amazing.

So yeah, there is almost nothing to love in this movie, the fact that the critics praised it just shows how hypocritical they are, the main reason for this is the fact that it's female-directed and female-led, which are not important factors when rating a movie in my book. My last hope in the DCEU is the Justice League and I sincerely hope that Weadon will not screw up Snyder's vision in it.

Silence
(2016)

Blasphemy
Forgive Scorcese, Father, for he has sinned. While in general I think him to be quite overrated, I could only classify his previous movies that I've watched as at least "good". Well, there's an exception to every rule.

I honestly am at a loss for words, there is almost nothing to like in this movie. The whole plot can be described as "Japanese officials demand Garfield to denounce his religion, he refuses, common folk gets tortured", repeated a good dozen times. The protagonists are unlikable and hard to relate oneself to. (This could be intentional.) The dialogues, which comprise the bigger part of Silence, are boring and at times pretentious. (Yeah, the tree metaphors aren't nearly as smart as they try to sound.) The religious debates are shallow and bland. What's worse, some moments are outright cheesy, like Garfield's reflection morphing into the face of Jesus or God actually talking to him. The movie just fails miserably to get the audience interested and emotionally invested.

The only reasons this is not a 1/10 are the quite good cinematography and Andrew Garfield. He, now unshackled from the mediocre Spider-Man reboots, has shown for the second time in a row this year that he is a very potent actor. Still, he alone could not save this movie.

You know, the audience's experience kind of reflects the protagonist's journey. First you come to the cinema, expecting a good film on a largely unexplored topic. Then you get tortured for two and a half hours until you lose faith in Scorcese completely.

Rogue One
(2016)

Episode 6/10
"Hey, I'm blind, am not a Force user and only got a bloody wooden stick, but I will take down tons of trained soldiers."

"I need to shoot the chief scientist, I got him AND an important imperial officer dressed in white in my sights for approx. 1 minute, but I won't shoot anybody cos morals."

  • "Sir, the plans for the Death Star are being stolen from a facility that also contains hundreds of other valuable projects." - "K. Destroy the whole facility, but don't shoot right at it, but a bit to the side, so the rebels have enough time to send the plans and hold hands on the beach."


"Hi I'm the New Expendable Villain and I've got you on gunpoint, Bland Poorly-Acted Female Protagonist, but I refuse to shoot you in favor of a cliché monologue leading to my demise."

That about sums up the integrity and plot complexity of Rogue One, the adaptation of the opening crawl of Episode IV. It does have some kinda cool battle scenes, an amusing robot and 30 seconds of Darth Vader killing people, but the rest is predictable fellat... I mean, homage to the old trilogy, which apparently is enough to make people salivate and cheer.

Meanwhile I think that when in an ensemble movie you only care about the ROBOT character and when in a movie that "is different from the main episodes and does not concentrate on Jedi" half the runtime is dedicated to various fan service and recognizable elements, and the coolest scene, surprise, features Jedi, it's just not a good movie.

So, 6/10 tops, the more I scrutinize this film the worse my score gets, so I'd better stop here. It's kind of sad that in order to make a financially successful movie you need this little.

Suicide Squad
(2016)

Stale Squad
When I saw the first teaser-trailer and promo images for this movie, I was largely unimpressed. As the marketing campaign unfolded, though, Suicide Squad managed to create some serious hype that I found myself unable not to join. The result, however, is mixed, for the trailers advertise another, better, funkier and more audacious kind of movie.

Story-wise, things are very simple and bland here - first we get around half an hour worth of character introduction (understandable, since there are so many of them), which goes at a rapid pace and with lots of different licensed background music, almost like an advertisement or a music video. Then, with everyone onboard, the Squad arrives to some city devastated by a colorful CG Aztec-looking big dude. What happens next is some of the more disappointingly stale stuff: instead of an explosive chemistry and wit-filled spectacle we get some uninventive action scenes involving shooting and beating lots of mindless drones (a-la Avengers 1&2), the supposedly "bad to the bone" protagonists implausibly bonding and becoming friends (they say that they're friends now, like, 5 times) and overcoming a lame bland CG-villain (who, despite all his powers and menacing looks goes down from a regular medium-sized bomb, yeah).

Now the simplistic plot could have been saved by character interactions, but that doesn't really happen here. I'll just go ahead and list all the members with brief descriptions:

Deadshot - Will Smith playing Will Smith. Nothing new, but it turns out I still like that guy.

Harley - Margot Robbie is pretty and has a fine butt, but all the quirks and grimaces and the overall childlike demeanor at times feels out of place.

Joker - This is a definite miss for me. Leto is overacting hard and is bringing nothing new to the table - he is just a mob boss who has a tendency towards ridiculousness.

El Diablo - Surprisingly robust. The drama in his backstory didn't work for me, but overall he is fairly charismatic.

Boomerang - Jai Courtney does not annoy the hell out of me in this movie, so that's some progress. Other than that, his presence is minimal and he mostly serves as a semi-successful comedic relief.

Enchantress - From what I gather, Cara Delevigne is only somewhat famous because of her wealthy parents. Let's just say I wish this was not the case.

Rick Flag and Amanda Waller - they play their respective parts well. Can't really add much.

Killer Croc - He's alright, but I've got a feeling that nothing would've changed if he was not in this movie altogether.

Katana - Read the paragraph above.

Slipknot - Who?

So, some of the chemistry between characters works, some of it doesn't. All of the drama in this movie is unconvincing and redundant. The Justice League cameos are pretty cool. The heavily-promoted soundtrack is underused, with the best songs just playing during the credits or muffled in the background (yeah, Purple Lamborghini).

Overall I can't say it's a bad movie, but it's not a good one, either. It's just a tad bit above average, and it is sad, as this is yet another missed opportunity for the DCEU to get a solid hit on their hands.

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