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Comedy, thy name is Hunk.
Hunk is a retelling of the proverbial Ugly Duckling tale, only with humans, rather than ducks, epitomizing 80's trends. The makers of Hunk certainly had their work cut out for them whilst making this groundbreaking film, since the affliction of insecurity usually only strikes females with glasses on film.

The story: Bradley invents a successful computer program about yuppies, goes to live in a dilapidated beach house in the California yuppie colony Sea Spray, and discovers that he is quite different from the others because he is a nerd. He has already sold his soul to the devil in order to make the successful computer program, and so, once he wishes to be a hunk, his wish is satisfied by the devil's handmaiden, O'Brien, on whom Bradley develops a crush. Bradley, now Hunk Golden, is unleashed on the unassuming folks of Sea Spray to cause an uproar with his utter hunkiness, which he plays up by wearing a sleeveless, unbuttoned button-up shirt accented by a tie. Nice.

Despite finding love with his psychologist, Sunny, Hunk Golden soon discovers that being a Hunk isn't all he dreamed it would be and so he embarks on a metaphysical battle with the devil, a.k.a. Dr. D. (played by the one and only, James Coco) for his soul. Will Hunk Golden remain a hunk in exchange for his mortal soul, or will he give up his status as a Hunk and live as Bradley Brinkman?

What a relief to finally see a funny, smart, yet insecure male nerd wish to be a brawny, tanned hunk, and to be ironically reminded that the inner beauty of the male can also be obscured by a repulsively unattractive exterior. And Bradley Brinkman didn't even have to wear glasses to represent a nerd, because they just had a different actor portray Hunk Golden.

If you are an insecure nerd, this movie will undoubtedly boost your self-esteem. If not, you'll get lots of laffs from the endless cheese. Highlights: O'Brien dancing at the nightclub, and Hunk's trendsetting style. And, if WWIII ever breaks out, I guess those of us who have watched Hunk will know who's REALLY responsible.

The Killer Shrews

Sadly overlooked by Academy Awards for Best Set Design...
...Not that the Oscars are any indication of a film's greatness, and to prove that point this film was nominated for Worst Rodent Movie of All Time by the Golden Turkey Awards.

There are a pack of humongous starving shrews loose on a desolate island. A bunch of "scientists" travel to the island to be terrorized by the shrews.

Okay, so the dogs yowling because they have wet bathmats appended to their backs, and masks to their faces, are hilarious, I mean terrifying; the attempts made to conceal their caninity are also veeeery clever; Thorn Sherman is heroically disinterested; the music is horrifyingly melodramatic; hackneyed theories involving the shrews abound; and the method of escape is one of the most laughingly novel ever recorded on film. All of this, and the realization that these people spend most of the film living in paralyzing fear of the silliest monsters ever created make this film great.

The interior shots are filmed inside the greatest cabin ever. It is difficult to discern whether the walls are decorated with wallpaper, or are just supposed to be extremely filthy. The mantel features a haphazardly placed set of candle holders, a beer stein, a clock set horizontally on the edge, and all to emphasize the focal point of the room- a picture hanging above the mantel of horse legs beside a lake. The perfect, nay the only, setting for bloodthirsty shrews to terrorize scientists and their lackeys.

"It's alright, doctor, he just ripped my trousers. That's all." Never underestimate a killer shrew.

The Corpse Grinders

Let's Start a Pet Food Racket...that's Where the Big Bucks Is.
"She loved that old tomcat.Yes she did." Too bad Annie's old tomcat was fed Lotus cat food. Made from the ground flesh of corpses, Lotus cat food is the product of a greedy plot to make easy money from cat owners looking to feed their cats. But, the trouble (according to the doctor's encyclopedia entry about flesh-eating cats)is that the cats fed the Lotus cat food become accustomed to the taste of ground human flesh, and quit hunting the flesh of faster animals. Makes sense to me. Cats begin attacking humans in the town, leaping into the neck, and shredding the flesh. Oddly, the cats refrain from actually eating the humans,or even making much of a mess of the corpses by, say, drinking the blood or something, contrary to the explanation given by the encyclopedia article.

Corpse Grinders is a good film. Any movie with the following elements can't be too bad: every character lacks peripheral vision (such a common affliction among characters in B films); the batty wife of one of the racketeers tenderly cares for a pint sized baby doll while complaining of bodies piling up in the living room; the pointless inclusion of a mute chick with a crutch and the miraculous ability to communicate using pidgin sign language; and the music from Blood Feast playing during a rather Blood Feast-like killing scene. However, the film is kind of lacking imagination. Despite the couple of odd characters, it's pretty straight forward camp. Still, I'd rather watch this than countless other films. Also, if you're watching the DVD version, make sure to sit through the (brief) credits in order to see the awesome trailer, which I would give 10/10, if I could rate it alone.

Twice in a Lifetime

"You won't understand until you've walked a mile in my mocassins" But you're not an aboriginal/Asian people!
Picture this: a lazy hangover Friday afternoon. No cable. 2:00 p.m., the notoriously worst time slot on television, until... Any television show that opens with a crusty mobile seating device bound woman stealing some innocent, exercising children's basketball, and the promise of an aged Al Waxman, instantly sucks me in. From the Lifetime-Harlequin T.V. movie style opening to the oh--so ironic plot about the crabby mobile seating device bound woman having the chance to reflect on her misguided anger so that she can ultimately find happiness despite her spinal cord injury, this show is an epiphany of brilliance. If you love awesome TV shows, you will lust after "Twice in a Lifetime".

The Zero Boys

Hottest chicks EVER!
Zero Boys has the ultimate philosophical import. According to the philosophy of Georges Bataille, the ultimate experience of life is the limit, the experience of a little death. Zero Boys, although on its surface a film of hot ladies and even hotter guys, is the philosophical exemplification of the theory of the limit. There are numerous scenes within Zero Boys in which the limit of death is experienced as the absolute extreme of life; I interpret that as the experience of smoking pot at an abandoned house that belongs to a secretly sadistic killer. The rare person experiences such an intense, prophetic, personal experience as occurs in this film, when life stares death in the face in the most incredible film experience since he now clichéd shower scene in 'Psycho'. This is truly a film that unflinchingly examines the hideous questions attached with death. Kelli Maroney (of Chopping Mall fame) is absolutely amazing. You will love this film!

Christmas with the Kranks

This must be the worst movie ever made. It's not even bad in an original way! All of these gags (I use the term loosely)have been used many times before. Unless you have a fetish for horrible actors like Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis there is no way that you could tolerate watching this traumatizingly unoriginal film. Tim Allen runs into a store a lot! The daughter leaves and empty nest syndrome ensues! This is exciting stuff! I managed to survive ten minutes of this crap! Hopefully you will not have to. Don't worry, this film cannot contain a spoiler, because it is impossible to sit through thirty minutes of this movie.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

Sylvester Stallone and Estelle Getty are the most inspired comedic team since Whoopi Goldberg and Theodore Rex. If you love at least one of the following: really hot/buff mama's boys, wisecracking, sharp-shooting old ladies or hot m.i.l.f.s in ill-fitting suits, you must watch this movie A.S.A.P. The plot is deceptively simple; Sly's Jersey ma is desperate for him to get hitched, she shows up immediately after his romantic relationship with his boss has soured due to his interminable habit of calling his ma, ma shows up and starts intervening in his love life and cleaning his guns (with hilarious results). Ma tries to replace his gun from a black market dealer and...the hilarity is just beginning! Early in his career Sly Stallone was unjustly tagged as a muscle-bound meathead, but this movie gives him the opportunity to demonstrate the surprising dimensions of his comedic range. Estelle Getty is in top comedic form, as usual, and JoBeth Williams gives her greatest performance in any genre since Poltergeist. A review can't do this film justice so just watch it (with closed captioning if you're watching VHS. Trust me)!

Fat Albert

This movie SUCKS!
Every aspect of this insipid movie is worth missing. Even the premise of this movie is stupid. An adolescent girl whose biggest problem is that she wasn't invited to a party! WHO CARES! Until a bunch of one note characters crawl through the television to her emotional rescue. There's the requisite fright scene in which Doris feigns shock and horror at this 300 pound anachronism and his numerous, equally anachronistic, friends. I don't think that I need to "expose" the countless inconsistencies and factual, as well as logical, errors, as others already have, and they are obvious if you have seen or, at the possible expense of your sanity, are about to see, this film. The key to this film is to watch the director's commentary. My partner and I were so stunned by the stupidity of this film that we had to see what the director thought of his work. To any viewer's profound horror and astonishment, it seems that Joel Zwick thinks that this film is a masterpiece. I guess that, in relation to the many music videos he's directed, he thinks that he was given a chance to expand his artistic vision. He employed so much hyperbole and bloated self-congratulations that I think he actually thought that he was Orson Welles incarnate, except that Orson Welles actually created a few brilliant films throughout his career and Joel Zwick hasn't directed anything of any worth (unless you liked My Big Fat Greek Wedding and episodes of Full House and Step by Step). Anyway, I don't have to say anymore but that this movie sucks and unless you are a small, easily amused child, you will not like this movie.

My Summer of Love

Decent summer fare; but disappointing overall
I may have enjoyed this movie a lot more if it hadn't seemed like such a rip off of Heavenly Creatures. I understand that this is based on a novel that I haven't read and I only mean this as a comment on the movie. Heavenly Creatures is one of my favourite movies and I was anticipating this movie because I thought that it would present a similar examination of the suffocatingly intense friendship that adolescent girls sometimes form. In this respect it sort of succeeded, but, as the relationship grew more intense it seemed pretty clear that certain power dynamics were at work and I thought that this seemed so obvious that the result should not have been surprising at all. This underscored what I felt was the emotional superficiality of the film. The other huge disappointment was the many BLATANT parallels with Heavenly Creatures which beg a comparison with Heavenly Creatures although the latter is far superior. Even down to Tasmin's love of Edith Piaf which seems just as exotic and captivating to Mona as Juliet's love of MArio Lanza seems to Pauline in Heavenly Creatures. My Summer of Love is like a much less emotionally devastating Heavenly Creatures. The religious aspect is interesting and at least added an original dimension to the film, but mostly, the film illustrated the shortcomings that Heavenly Creatures could have fallen victim to, and thankfully, did not. If I had not seen Heavenly Creatures, My Summer of Love could have been a great summer film, but it was too similar and inferior to Heavenly Creatures for me to really enjoy it.

Flesh-Eating Mothers

Intensely Awesome!
Flesh-Eating Mothers is a bombastic parody of the excesses of modern life. When the over-sexed mothers sit around and discuss their over-active sex lives (without their husband's participation) this movie really hits home as a commentary on modern morality in a world that has lost its teleological end as an ethical culture in which the end of life is ethical satisfaction and contentment with God and His ultimate purpose. As usual in teenage movies, the teenagers are the moral paragons while the adults struggle to live up to their example. This lesson never gets old; teenagers are shown to be more aware of the moral ramifications of immorality as they are more innocent than the parents they are railing against. This is a humorous examination of the ramifications of a world gone wrong, and a humorous one at that!! Highly recommended!!!!!

Body Rock

Body Rock is the definitive break dancing film.
Forget "Breakin'" and those other films featuring dancing chumps, they should bow down to the master: Lorenzo Lamas. Lorenzo Lamas as Chilly D displays an amazing break dancing talent, and his sexy rappin' and breakin' is incomparable and unforgettable. Chilly D wants to take his breakin' and rappin' talent to the masses who deserve to witness his titanic ability to rock the mic and tear up the trembling dance floor. Amazingly, he gains this mastery within the span of a hilarious training montage. Body Rock is essentially a morality tale about Chilly D's tormented desire for Hegelian recognition from the evil overlords of New York break dancing clubs. Unfortunately, after gaining his recognition Chilly D encounters a fate that befalls so many epic heroes; he gets caught up in the excesses of his lifestyle. I would dread to spoil the ending of this flawless underground classic, so see it for yourself and indulge in the mastery that enrobes this film.

Police Academy 3: Back in Training

An ensemble cast that beats "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World"!
Mahoney is the ultimate lady-killer! Hightower shines in his element; drag! Sgt. Jones is the ultimate human beat-box! Police Academy 3 is the best of the series. The main characters have been established and are now free to indulge in the astonishing comedic interplay that is the triumphant hallmark of the Police Academy series. With the addition of the always gut-busting Bobcat Goldthwait as Cadet Zed this marks the finest moment in 80's comedy history. The only thing that would improve this movie is the addition of Gilbert Gottfried to the cast. It is difficult to pinpoint any highlights of this movie because there are so many, but if you like Police Academy, you will adore "Back in Training". Spencer Tracy, Milton Berle, Sid Caesar, Buddy Hackett, Ethel Merman, and Mickey Rooney need to take a backseat to the new American Comedic Heroes: Steve Guttenberg, Bubba Smith, David Graf, Michael Winslow, Marion Ramsey, and Leslie Easterbrook.

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

An epic parody of rock'n'roll excess
Don't let the abrasive dialogue fool you, Ford Fairlane's sensitivity is in his eye's. Since the 70's and the rise of stadium rock, rock'n'roll stars have been portrayed as sexist animals only out for drunken carousing. The Diceman slices those portrayals in two and only leaves the heart. Andrew Dice Clay is a detective investigating the disappearance of a sensitive young groupie, Zuzu Petals, but he is constantly sidetracked by hot women and cold alcohol. The heart of this movie is in the Diceman's relationship with the nubile Petals and his young cohort/admirer Brandon Call. Diceman reveals himself to be a sensitive lover of all kinds of people; children, ladies, etc., all while spicing things up with his unique brand of comic genius. While the Diceman uses all sorts of props to detract from his sensitivity, such as his decadent wardrobe and stellar cigarette acrobatics, in the end the viewer cannot help being touched by the sensitive relationship he has with Zuzu, Call and his secretary, LAuren Holly. While this is not exactly on par with the films of Bergman, Kurisawa,or the early films of Orson Welles, the Diceman pulls of a heartwarming, emotional tribute to the rock'n'roll genius that was embodied in such misunderstood geniuses as Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Gary Glitter. Do not bypass this extraordinary movie of emotional turmoil.

Theodore Rex

The most overlooked movie of the 90's
Compelling and Innovative! At the beginning of this criminally underrated Whoopi Goldberg flick the writers draw a parallel between Theodore Rex and the 1941 Orson Welles classic "Citizen Kane". The writers are justified in drawing such a seemingly disparate parallel, but the viewing public is too often hoodwinked into seeing overly hyped Hollywood schlock to appreciate the subtle similarities between these two movies. In "Citizen Kane" Charles Foster Kane is feared and admired by his colleagues and his underlings, much like Whoopi Goldberg in this movie. This movie is about finding love in everybody's differences. It is an epic examination of the fear of abandonment and the need for love and acceptance in a society that is dominated by greed and self-absorption. Whoever paired Whoopi Goldberg and Theodore Rex formulated a dyad for the ages, with the only justifiable comparisons being Bogey and Bacall, Hepburn and Tracy and Hall and Oates. If you would love to watch an uplifting, celluloid philosophical examination of some of humanity's deepest drives; Bergman-esqe but not as depressing, Theodore Rex should be viewed immediately!

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