kingslandbungalow

IMDb member since August 2015
    Lifetime Total
    25+
    IMDb Member
    6 years

Reviews

See
(2019)

Couldn't be worse
This is perhaps the dumbest TV show I've seen in a long, long, long time. The whole premise is completely idiotic and there are so many inconsistencies that it's almost laughable. The blind queen, wearing a hugely ornate crown (to impress her blind subjects - seriously are they going to feel her head to see who she is?) starts a big speech with "Behold!"... Some users are rating this 10 - saying it's a perfect show. As good as something by Orson Welles or Hitchcock. Well forget it, this stinks.

Haunt
(2019)

So VERY dumb
If you have one ounce of common sense and you have just seen a friend get murdered and a stranger shows up wearing a mask, you will unmask them. Especially if you are in a group of five people and armed. These chumps did not.

Furthermore they stick to the horror movie trope of "let's split up" which allows the mysterious (and unexplained) killers to kill away.

There is no explanation as to the motivation or drive for the killers doing the killing, it seems as though the directors decided let's just make a haunted house movie and this is what they came up with. No backstory, no deeper meaning, no satisfaction for the viewer.

The kills are ok and not too torture porny, but a little too on the nose given this is a "random" group of teens. How would they know one is petrified by spiders and happen to tip a bucket of them on her in particular? Good question, no answers here though.

The final girl may as well have had "final girl" tattooed on her forehead - she has suitable boast traumatic history that makes her the perfect patsy.

There is no final "a-ha" moment, and the whole premise would instantly fall apart if someone had a cell phone or a firearm.

I wish the writers and producers would put more effort in, the production value was ok and the actors were ok too given the lack of material they had to work with.

Spend another week writing and make the story better would be my advice, you can only suspend disbelief so far...

The Flood
(2019)

Heavy handed virtue preaching
Just in case you're wondering if Lena Heady et al think every single, dingle asylum seeker to any country anywhere should be unequivocally accepted regardless of circumstance the answer is YES!!! If you watch this stinker they will beat you over the head with this thought until you want to die from the saccharine preachiness. This is so obviously a propaganda piece it makes me wonder at who would distribute it? You can see the agenda writ large before you even see one person in the film (there is an obnoxiously woke piece of opinion displayed as text before the "action" starts). Left, liberal, biased and unapologetic this is basically an antifa thoughtcrime training video. Just plain awful.

Playing Hard
(2018)

Ok if you're a gamer but needs a good edit...
Some of these movies are unnecessarily long, many of the scenes here could be cut - and we're missing scenes that would explain the outcome. I was told "Always ask what's the purpose of this scene?" and if you can't answer then it should be cut. Many of the incidents in this movie don't establish character, story, conflict etc. and are tedious. But the underlying story: a man with drive and passion who gets thrown out of the vision he created is compelling. A little more on the why he was let go would be appreciated. It is funny though how some of the douchy French producers take credit for something they didn't make with no sense of irony. I don't think Ubisoft is a great place to work!

Russian Doll
(2019)

What a turd
I've had it with artsy fartsy Netflix wank, thoroughly boring and badly acted from start to finish. It starts at a birthday party for someone who's supposed to be 36, looks 60 and sounds 75. Then Groundhog Day happens, but unlike that movie where Bill Murray's character is likeable this lady sucks. See if you can suffer through one pretentious episode and not want to kill all the characters. Where are the good Netflix shows?

Suspiria
(2018)

It's ok but misses some big potential.
I love the cheesy fun of Dario Argento, and Suspiria (along with Phenomena and Martin) was one of my faves. I was extremely excited to hear it was being remade but this movie is not a remake or reimagining - rather it's very loosely based on the original. The actresses do a good job but some confusing decisions were made (casting Tilda Swinton in two different roles) that detract from the film. The movie jumps around plot wise and has some unintentionally hilarious dancing that once again distracts from the story. There is no sense of fun or spectacle the most giallo films have, it also runs VERY long. I guess it's ok, not really my kind of movie. I'd rather watch Demons again!

Roma
(2018)

Ultimately disappointing.
Right out of the gate Roma is an "artistic" movie - the overly long opening shot of water on paving stones (with airplanes reflected in the puddles) goes on waaaay too long. This set the tone for the whole movie. It was shot in black and white (oversaturated) to be artsy, not because it added anything to the story. There were many added elements that were there as a self-indulgent artistic touch, but they fail to make up for NO plot and only marginal character development. A movie should tell a story, this one doesn't . I can see why people would like it, especially people who think of themselves as deep. But in the absence of a plot then we need STRONG characters - once again it's a miss. The main actress literally has the same stunned look on her face from start to finish, it's obvious she has no experience. The supporting actors are a little better but not by much. I had such high expectations and was extremely disappointed, give it a miss.

Mandy
(2018)

Nicholas Cage still has what it takes...
I had a dim view of Cage after stinkers like Indianapolis and that one about the Rapture. Anyhow, he completely redeems himself here with a wonderfully emotional and unhinged performance - one of the strongest I've seen in years. One scene in particular has such rawness of emotion that pushes Cage's character beyond the anti-hero stereotype and creates a relatable and haunted man. There is some dark comedy throughout and equally powerful performances by co-stars, the whole movie is a surprisingly good horror-dramedy. The direction and set design is also fantastic, colours really pop and sizzle. Overall it's a visual treat, albeit dark and disturbing. It's a movie you WILL remember!

Crazy Rich Asians
(2018)

They are AWFUL people! That's the point!
People misunderstand the movie I think, it's NOT a comedy in that funny situations happen. It's a comedy in the sense that these are THE WORST people and they just don't get it. It's like slave owners having relationship issues - human day to day concerns in the face of an overwhelmingly awful and evil framework. These Crazy Rich Asians are uniformly horrible, materialistic, shallow, deceitful, and amoral. They are more concerned with brand names, wealth, gratuitous over consumption, and racial purity (does someone come from a "good " background) than love, compassion, growth as a person, morality, etc. One case in point is a mother literally destroying her sons relationship and emotions because she dislikes the background (not "pure" bloodline and too poor) of the girlfriend. These people are caricatures and evil, it's a very uncomfortable movie and premise. You literally feel like the planet would be a better place if all these people died, and that's a strange message for a "comedy".

Upgrade
(2018)

A pleasant surprise.
Upgrade is a great, hidden hem of a movie. I had low expectations going in as I hadn't really heard of the main actors or the writer/director. In fact the star, Logan Marshall-Green, in addition to being the poor man's Tom Hardy, was in the execrable Prometheus. He completely redeems himself here.

It turns out that this is a great effort from all parties involved. The acting is good and the main characters especially are both believable and relatable. The directing is polished and the cgi, which so often is the downfall of smaller budget sci fi, is both restrained and appropriate. It's also very well done and believable.

The story is strong and I feel this movie is more of a success than recent big budget sci fi like the poor efforts of "Solo", "Ready Player One", or "Pacific Rim Uprising ".

Go in with an open mind, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!

Caught
(2017)

Lazy writing spoils good effort by cast.
This is one of those movies where there is an over-arching question that runs throughout the entire film. The viewer might reasonably believe that there will be an answer/reveal/payoff at some point, because otherwise what's the point of watching? Well, there is no payoff! The writers could have brought some satisfaction to the audience by having a token explanation, even a lazy half-baked one would be better than nothing at all. I can't imagine how the pitch for this movie was green-lighted: "Hey, we have an idea where this spooky couple go into someone's house." "And?" "Uh, that's it...." Save yourself the hour and a half, this is a badly, badly written movie that ultimately has no point whatsoever.

Love
(2016)

Awful people being awful (aka Apatow gives his untalented friend a show).
"Love" is a show that on the surface should be funny, after all I appreciated Freaks and Geeks by the same series producer Judd Apatow. But this is more along the lines of his awful turd of a movie "Funny People" (never was a title more misleading). I get the feeling this is a vanity piece for Apatow's buddies and associated hangers-on as there is basically nothing more to the premise than two toxic, needy individuals fall in love. I guess Netflix really will green light anything. Both characters are shallow and manipulative and I keep hoping that something exciting will happen but it never does. The female character is the epitome of a drug/alcohol addicted "trendy" person and the male is the epitome of a needy nerd/loser. He reminds very much of Woody Allen, but without Allen's sense of humour (or even looks - Paul Rusk is NOT easy on the eyes). It's frankly quite unbelievable that someone who's this homely would get with a girl as generically attractive as the female lead (can't remember her name). If he had an awesome personality you could maybe see it, but he's really quite loathsome and pathetic. The female is needlessly slutty and her character (though an addict) never REALLY struggles with any kind of pain that true addicts endure. There are many needless scenes of these horrible jam sessions that are so self-indulgent it just comes across as episode padding. All in all there is nothing to recommend here, not even a little. If you imagine a sitcom/drama in your mind with the same shallow premise I'm sure whatever you imagine will be much funnier, have a better story, and save hours of your life. And this show has Andy Dick playing himself so there's another reason not to watch.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer
(2017)

Pretentious garbage...
I cannot overstate how thoroughly disappointing this film is. I have no idea why people like it or what redeeming qualities they see in it.

The movie starts with this weird kid, who seems on the autism spectrum, hanging out with this weird doctor.

The doctor has weird kids. The doctor also has a weird wife. The boy announces that he holds the doctor responsible for his fathers death and he has to kill a family member to redeem himself - otherwise everyone in the family will die.

The doctor seems shocked but doesn't confront the weird kid Martin. Then his son gets sick. Then his daughter. Then the doctor kidnaps Martin and hits him once or twice.

The wife lets Martin go. The doctor puts a blindfold on his, arranges hus family around him, and spins and shoots. He kills his son.

The family then go to a diner and Martin comes in and has a glass of water.

The end.

I see people reviewing the film are heavy into thinking they are deep by saying a doctor symbolizes God, Martin is symbolic of mankind, ketchup is symbolic of invisible dark matter that gives weight to our actions , etc.

I personally think its just lazy writing and a complete waste of two hours. All the actors are also thoroughly annoying, delivering their lines in a strange monotone. If the movie came to a conclusion that would partially redeem it, but nope. It reminds me of the feeling I had after watching "Lost", I realized the writers wanted strange things happening for the sake of being strange but didn't have a story to bring the strangeness together.

At least I didn't pay to see it, that would really suck.

Divines
(2016)

Overrated and dull...
So I saw the trailer on Netflix and thought "This looks interesting." but unfortunately the whole story can be summed up by the trailer.

The story is set in gay Paris - and told through the eyes of Dounia, a young girl struggling to find her way (cliche number one). She wants easy money and street cred, but struggles with...well, she struggles with something or other all the time. First, she tries to get credibility with the dealer she idolizes, then she struggles with her family situation and mother, then she struggles with her emerging feeling of horniness towards a male dancer, then she struggles to get away from the dealer she previously idolized, etc.

The character is unpredictable, doing things that later come back to get her and not learning the error of her ways at all. I get the feeling that at the end of the story the character hasn't matured at all - in fact her spazzy unpredictability results in the death of a friend. I get the feeling that she wouldn't feel responsible though...

Anyhow, the story is well shot but needs some serious editing. It's a good 30-40 minutes too long. And the message is so mixed that there's no feeling of learning or growth in the movie - is it about the hard circumstances of migrants in France?

Soundtrack is weird too, a few scenes completely spoiled by music that does NOT work for that particular act.

I'd give it a miss - much better fare on Netflix these days such as John Wick, The Last King, etc.

American Assassin
(2017)

Not as bad as people say...
This is an OK movie based on an OK book, I'm not sure why it scores so much hate here when turds like "Alien Covenant" or any of the "Planet of the Apes" movies do OK? Anyhow the main actor does well as Mitch Rapp and Michael Keaton is gritty and believable in his role as a CIA trainer. The whole plot is borderline but if you suspend your disbelief (as with Kingsman or any Bond flick) you'll spend an OK couple of hours. There's some good supporting roles and the action scenes are well choreographed. The movie doesn't come off as offensive or preachy and sets itself up for a few sequels! Aside from some really poor cgi I found it to be an OK way to spend a Sunday afternoon with a few friends and some beers.

Game of Thrones: Stormborn
(2017)
Episode 2, Season 7

Inconsistency hurting the series...
Firstly, it's an OK episode. However, I really feel there's been a drop off in story quality since Old Fatty Martin handed over the plot to the HBO guys. There seems to be an inconsistency in the characters - Arya is tough as nails in one episode and sloppy and sentimental in this one. Theon is regaining himself in one episode and totally pooping the bed in this one. Jon realizes his duty to the north and the importance of saving Sansa in one episode,in this episode he's set to go gallivanting off to see Daenyrs and painting a target on Sansa with his bizarrely out of character treatment of Littlefinger. The ladies from Dorne are tough and their poison blades stop everyone last season, in this episode Euron gets hit with the poison daggers and whips about a dozen times with no effect. The biggest gaffe is having Yara be the tough sea captain and get totally caught off guard by Euron. He seems to know where she would be, and when, and also know her whole fleet wouldn't have any lookouts! He also seemed to sail into the middle of her fleet all at once (if you've ever sailed you know how super bogus this plot device is) and shoot her ships with guided rockets that miss his boats (which were boarding her whole fleet at the same time!!!). I know the HBO writers need to advance the plot, and Old Fatty Martin is probably going to pull a Robert Jordan and leave them in a bind, but the inconsistent characters and the way Euron magically beat Yara (and also happened to board her ship, out of the whole armada) with magic rockets and stealth boats is a bit (extremely) ridiculous.

The Circle
(2017)

Just when you think it can't get worse...
I've had some bad luck lately: first I saw Alien: Covenant and then The Circle...

Two of the worst movies in recent history for sure.

Looking at The Circle the concept is thin and is completely worn out in the first two minutes. Emma Watson plays a cliché meek SJW who gets hired by Google and then tries to tweet and blog everything without realizing she's losing privacy. Tom Hanks makes an appearance as does the new guy from Star Wars. Oh and that short, fat guy who's always smiling is in it too. Total poo. And after the new Alien it's just salt in the wound.

I can't figure how IMDb community gives these movies more than one or two stars - for the amount of shart reviews it means some people must LOVE these movies for them to average above 3 or more stars. Really?

Alien: Covenant
(2017)

Thoroughly awful - I see a conspiracy to ruin the original movie.
If Ridley Scott actually set out to make a movie that would completely destroy all that was good about the original, the combo of Alien Covenant and Prometheus would be it. A crew of idiots and spacetards are woken en route to their new homeworld by a star shart. The spaceship they are on completely falls apart due to this event and apparently the cryogenic sleep chambers have an explosive bbq setting. The idiots detour to a new world they discover thanks to a John Denver song (odds of it being this particular world being trillions to one against) and send most of the crew down without spacesuits or breathing apparatus or common sense. The scan of the planet somehow missed the dead civilization of the engineers from Prometheus - despite being the source of the song. They then get infected (because they are all idiots) and the idiots left on the ship can't get details because their space phones don't work well. The infected crew hatch monsters and the unaffected crew literally fall down twice trying go shoot the monster and blow up the only shuttle because they don't know not to use a high explosive bazooka inside. I imagined Benny Hill music during this scene ... Then the android from Prometheus has the exact same body as the new android (but different from Alien and Aliens) except he grew a mullet. He loves poetry, classical music, and shitty hair cuts. And aliens. Crew proceeds to die by making idiotic choices. The survivors accidentally bring an alien back to the ship with them (never explained). The new Ripley (who has Harry Potters haircut and is always weeping) chases the alien around with zero suspense and kills it. Then (plot twist) the android turns out to be the baddie instead of the other one. There,I just saved you two hours of your life and some sanity. The alien in this movie was all cg and looks really bad, there's something to be said for using models/costumes. The other special effects were OK but doesn't make the movie worth watching. It takes special skill to make a movie this bad. It makes me worry for the Blade Runner reboot - I think Ridley Scott is making sure his legacy turns to poop before he dies.

Westworld
(2016)

ho hum - game of thrones in the wild west
It's a solid attempt, make no mistake, but Westworld is a far cry from the innovative and imaginative TV it was heralded as.

I think HBO brainstormed on what made GOT a success - and then took those elements (gore, nudity, language, high profile actors) and mashed them into a western setting.

Unfortunately the idea isn't as developed as Game of Thrones - Westworld was a Michael Crichton book of no repute instead of a sprawling, majestic saga spanning generations and continents.

There are some good performances but the characters are caricatures - the scientist who is so caught up in the science that he can't relate to people, etc.

I hope it improves - maybe I'll watch again and see if I like it more the 2nd time.

Sausage Party
(2016)

I expected more, so did everyone else in the theatre
Sausage party is a concept movie - and once you get past the main concept there needs to be a story to carry the other 99 minutes - unfortunately here that is the missing ingredient.

Once you get used to groceries swearing, and talking about sex, and toilet humor there is no content here worth seeing - it's as though a third grader wrote the movie. Seriously- one of the characters is a douche who talks endlessly about getting "up in there" which while it made me grin the first time made me want to cry the 50th time.

There is swearing for the sake of comedy which is always a sign of terrible writing - if some character says "Let's f$&kin' do this!" instead of "Let's do this!" And you find it funny then this is a movie for you.

I think the main actors who also are responsible largely for "This is the end" (another awful movie) are one-trick ponies who only talk about sex and getting high and think it's funny.

There was laughter for the first five minutes in the theatre, then it died down and when people were leaving there was a sense of relief that the movie was over. Classic example of a single idea not being enough to carry a movie, regardless of how much swearing and crass behavior is thrown in to pad the concept.

Wait a week, it'll be out online and you can then see it without paying so much.

Darkest Day
(2015)

What a complete stinker! Absolute GARBAGE.
The poster for "Darkest Day" says it all - "British Zombie Horror at its best" - if this is a separate genre then there's no hope at all!

The movie blatantly rips-off 28 days movies - the main character awakes after an apocalypse with no memory of what has happened or how he got there. It's so blatant I can't believe the movie was green-lighted - but then again looking at the credits it seems to be a vanity/conceit piece for the main actor (who I think is the director too). This explains why the main actor is soooo wooden and the directing total crap.

Characters seem to behave in unpredictable and unlikely ways, stare at the camera, overact or underact and are essentially unbelievable.

There is an amazingly ineffective army, an amazingly over-effective character who single-handedly beats up a whole hoard of zombies, dumb characters who get over the death of their friends and family in a heartbeat, and loads of really bad special effects. A character also seems to die from a broken arm for some reason...

At the end the main character kills himself for no real reason - I only wish he'd saved us all the time and done it in the first scene of this turd of a movie.

Stranger Things
(2016)

Mish mash of influences = predictable
If you took equal parts Half Life video game, Super 8, and Bridge to Terabithia you'd end up with Stranger Things. It's not really got enough content to stretch over 8 episodes - would have made a much tidier 2 hour movie. The kids are exactly what you expect them to be and even the most jaded viewer knows Eleven won't be allowed to hang around at the end of the series - love this poignant and sweet can never be permitted! There was a nice nod to ET with the car chase and bicycles, though with a twist to allow for Eleven's emerging powers.Characters make confusing choices (Nancy) and the main villain is never much more than a one dimensional "government man". Parents are, as always in kid-focused movies, CLUELESS. The main problem I think is that the Duffer brothers said "Here are our influences.." and proceeded to script the series, instead of digging into themselves and coming up with something more original. It's exactly what I thought it would be from the trailer, but somehow I expected more. Good soundtrack though. Also, don't be put off by Winona's inclusion - even though she gets top billing in the credits she's not the main focus - thank God.

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
(2015)

Well made, well acted, teenage tearjerker.
This movie was a pleasant surprise, and a much stronger offering than much of the dreck floating about these days. The movie starts with Greg, a senior high schooler who has a love for film, explaining how he keeps such a low profile that he belongs to no "groups" commonly found in high school - jocks, nerds, goths, etc. The downside of his low profile is an almost complete lack of friends, the one exception being his colleague in film - Earl. Greg's mom "forces" him to hang out with Rachel, who has been diagnosed with leukemia (what flavour we never learn), and what begins as an obligation soon turns into the focus of his life. Alongside all the teenage drama we are treated to the parody movies that Greg and Earl make, some of which are quite humorous, others just blah. Still, the film-making shows Greg and Earl are actually artistes who have emotions that run deep, and they are not the non- participants in life that they originally seem. A problem the movie suffers is this paradox - Greg is at once a hyper-deep, emotional boy and a clueless, shallow buffoon. His petty, unfeeling actions when he learns that Rachel has decided to die are out of character. It's as though he hasn't witnessed her struggle and pain throughout months of treatment. His heartless dismissal of her at her time of need makes him much less likable and hard to relate to - does he not realize this is her decision and is he not a true friend? Anyhow, there is some ham-fisted over acting and some really garbage "art films" complete with black and white slow motion smiling, tears rolling, stop motion, etc. that make the viewer want to stop watching (even though we understand these are DEEP, EMOTIONAL, ARTISTIC films). Despite this the movie succeeds, and Greg emerges on the other side of Rachel's death as a better person, who understands her better. He keeps learning about her after her death, which is the main premise of the film - as he still learns about her, his relationship with her grows, showing us the viewer that death is not the end. The movie treats Earl almost as an after-thought, and both the character and actor deserve more. Likewise Greg's parents and teachers. Anyhow, Olivia Cooke does a great job and the film succeeds largely on the strength of her. Not a masterpiece, but quite good and worth a watch.

American Ultra
(2015)

Just terrible, absolutely terrible...
I wanted to like this film, the premise seemed like it should be entertaining. But the pacing and stoned-faced (ha!) disinterested acting kill this movie as quickly as a can-of-soup to the head.

The idea that a stoner could secretly be a "sleeper" agent is funny, but Eisenberg decided he'd go for a sulky, baffled, and stupid portrayal of the character instead. The main character, who hasn't been "activated", for years can apparently beat navy seals and agents who are active and aware of their abilities. Also the villains are caricatures of bad guys, when Jesse drives a Hummer shooting a roman candle (for real!) at them, they all fall down and start yelling! That's some special training they've got!

Kristin Stewart plays the girlfriend/handler and I struggled to watch her as she just seems so dirty. I swear, you can almost smell her through the screen. That girl needs a good shower. She also decided to play the character as flat and disinterested, and somehow, despite being terrible as the movie opens, gets worse as it progresses.

The writing is just straight up lazy. Plot holes abound i.e. - Kristin Stewart knows that the Jesse character can't leave town (she's his handler), but gets upset when he can't take her on a trip to Hawaii! I feel the writers came up with the premise (Hey - this stoner is actually a Jason Bourne type killer!) and then just piled cliché upon cliché to flesh out the script. The Topher Grace character is a carbon copy of his Spiderman 3 effort, and was included just so audiences would cheer when he gets killed (nearly everyone I ask has a REAL dislike of Topher Grace - he seems like a genuinely unpleasant guy).

On top of all this crud the music is completely incongruous and slows down the action scenes and takes away tension - whoops.

To summarize it's a lazy, gory, poorly acted turd of a film that shouldn't be watched. Trust me, you can't un-see it.

Fantastic Four
(2015)

Nausea! Heartburn! Indigestion! Upset Stomach! Diarrhea!
All of these stomach ailments are things I would rather suffer than see this movie again... Where to begin? Absolutely terrible casting to start with - some weird back-story with Reed and Ben being in the same class in elementary school and then flash forward to "now" - with older Reed being in a high school science fair(?!) when Sue and Victor are working in a "grown up" science facility! And the way the Ben character chews his gum with his mouth open - so super gross - maybe it was to make him appear tough? Anyhow - the money spent on this film is nowhere to be seen - not in the story, effects, or acting. The story is very slow as well - it takes more than half the movie to get to the actual "creation" of the FF. The characters have no rapport with each other and seem VERY miscast. Reed is a cross between Peter Parker and Frodo, Ben is a cross between a rock with Down syndrome and a plank of wood (I have never seen a less expressive actor) and Sue (the usually tolerable Kate Mara) is here not as a character but as something for Victor and Reed to squabble over. Victor is brooding, brooding and brooding - and only shows up as the villain in last ten minutes. The climactic action sequence is thrown in just because there HAS to be a climactic action sequence - it actually pits the FF as a whole against Reed! I can't imagine a worse movie if I tried - easily the worst of 2015 to date. When you consider the money spent on this it's laughable. AVOID!

See all reviews