vegeta3986

IMDb member since July 2005
    Lifetime Total
    50+
    Lifetime Filmo
    1+
    IMDb Member
    14 years

Reviews

Parumu no ki
(2002)

A Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, 14 Years ago i went with my buddies to my first anime con, Big apple anime fest 2003. There we saw the premiere of a movie called "A Tree of Palme". it was messed up and terrible. 14 years later i thought i'd give it a watch again. It is still messed up and terrible. The end

A Christmas Horror Story
(2015)

Thank god it at least had Shatner
I'm one of those people that will usually watch anything as long as Shatner's in it. So when i saw he was in a Christmas horror movie, I knew I had to give it a shot. Reading the synopsis, I knew Shatner wasn't going to be the star focus, but i was okay with that. I thought a Christmas horror story would be a fun idea. And then I actually saw the movie. This story is really 4 in one. Santa with elf zombies, changling kid, krampus against family, and haunted basement. All of this is connected by Shatner who is a radio DJ. And he's the only real saving grace of this film. Hearing Shatner as a mildly drunk Christmas loving radio DJ is amazing. Besides him and perhaps santa, every single character in this thing is annoying. There's seriously no character that I rooted for or even wanted to stay alive. Every single character is a pain in the butt level of annoying. I also have to say. This, this was a chore to get through. I didn't enjoy a single moment of this movie (With the rare exception of the Shatner scenes) When we're introduced to the characters we see them as unlikable jerks, and just because they're put in danger doesn't make them any more likable.Plot points are just kind of....there and quickly forgotten. The endings of most of these wrapups are RIDICULOUS and are at odds with what they're trying to convey.

1. The kid being a changeling story wraps up with the mother going to return the changling to where they took it from in the forest. She meets up with this guy that says "they won't harm you here because they're afraid of me." she sees she's surrounded by a bunch of changlings, and proceeds to shoot the guy and he dies by accident. The changlings, instead of killing her go "oh! okay! here's your son!" Wait.....what? That's the end? no twist? no...'she dies and the kid was already dead'? seriously? this mother character was one of the worst freaking characters! I was actively hoping she WOULD die. the fact that she or the kid DIDN'T die actually dropped this from a 3 to a 2.

2. Okay so with the santa story I was all for it when i was writing this review. Then i saw the ending 'twist'. it completely ruined it. look. you can't have a twist like "oh, of course this guy is really just crazy for no reason and is NOT santa fighting krampus because that makes more sense" when you have KRAMPUS ALREADY IN YOUR MOVIE. It's not far fetched to have him be the villain when he already IS killing people in your movie.

3. The krampus family thing had development that lead nowhere. you find out that the son who is a giant asshat is in actuality a sociopath who kills animals, but the mother and father were actually understanding each other and then developing as characters then "poof. dead." thanks for that? It reminds me of the actual Krampus movie. except....you know, even stupider.

4. okay, basement possession baby didn't even have anything to DO with Christmas. That could have literally taken place at any time of the year. The fact that it was Christmas had NOTHING to do with the plot. it almost feels like this was made for a different story but ended up being too short so they tacked it onto this and had the characters say "oh by the way it's Christmas!" a few times during their scenes. These were the most boring of the bunch as 3/4 of the scenes were slow walking with no payoff.

Speaking of payoff, with the exception of the santa scenes, none of the deaths were on screen and it looked stupid and cheap.

If it weren't for Shatner this movie would get a 1, but god help me, Shatner can make even the worst piece of garbage worth it. So Shatner, I toast you with a wassail. As for the rest of this stupid nonsense, it can go right in the trash bin. 2 out of 10.

The Innocent
(2006)

(Passes out flashlights to actors)
You know, normally when i review movies, i like to make jokes about how the camera quality is bad or the cinematography is nonexistent, however, this was an odd movie because for more than half of it, there WAS no cinematography by which i mean, it was pitch black with the camera moving around in a vain attempt to find the actors. half the time i thought they just filmed a version of their game of manhunt. So i will do the best i can to piece together what happened in this review.

We open up with our very European sounding cast not having any weed so they drive up to a person's house and buy some weed from them for a whole 60 quid!...being American i have no idea how much money that is. let's just assume it's.... five bucks. i don't know. they then proceed to go camping in the woods. and they proceed to, you guessed it, do drugs and have sex out there. the sheer originality of this movie astounds me. What's that? we need a location? well we can always put them in an orgy party in the woods! Brilliant! I guess it's just the fallback locale because it's cheap and you don't need to invent your own ambient noises....except in this woods there WERE no ambient noises, but i digress. The main character, (some guy i don't even remember his name) is depressed because his adopted brother went missing a year ago and he gets sulky for a while. then they decide to investigate a house in the middle of the woods because.....i have absolutely no idea. Because it's there i guess. Once inside the main char hears some weird voices and sees a few ghostly figures of children.

Now, you might find it odd that i'm pretty much ending the review here, but i gotta tell ya, i saw the movie the whole way through, and i honestly don't know what happened. It was so dark for over half the movie that i could not tell who was doing what. At some point one of the girls hurts her ankle near a crystal statue of a deer or something and starts to scream and then gets drowned or something....i couldn't tell ya. Seriously it was like someone put a garbage bag of the camera lens. Every once in a while you'd get half the screen at around 10% visibility and you'd have to try to figure out what was going on from there. We understand that darkness is scary, but not so much darkness that you can't see ANYTHING for HALF THE MOVIE. So i guess some more of them die and i think the main character runs away. There's some interspersed movies of some kids getting killed. i don't know WHY they're just there. If i could have seen half the movie maybe it would have made more sense. As it is, it was a confusing mess, and it makes me want to watch an incredibly bright movie to reacquire my eyesight. So you may ask why this movie isn't a 1. and that's because sadly, i actually liked the ending credits. It was done pretty originally and coolly from pieces of newspaper clippings and that actually was the best part of the whole movie. Sad eh? I would have liked to have seen what was going on , but sadly as the movie is, i really couldn't tell you what happened halfway on.

So with terrible lighting, nonsensical scripting, and unlikable characters, "The Innocent" is FAR from innocent, with a 2, out of 10.

Hell's Threshold
(2006)

Was there any point?
That's the question you have to ask yourself when you watch this movie "What was the point?" This movie was nothing but an hour and a half of confusion with completely unlikable people (not going to use the word actors) and a script that you could tell didn't exist.

One of the things that made me laugh the most about this movie was how it said "Victorian story written by" which means that there was actually a script to that part of the story. The entire victorian section had no dialogue, and was just comprised of shots of a guy staring at a girl and vice versa. Making that part of the movie as scripted as a camera left on at a train station.

OK, time for the story. It starts out with a guy sitting in a chair never once getting out of it. Oh blocking, who needs you? These newspeople come to his house and practically beg him to tell this story about these dead girls. So he starts off the story in Victorian times. and here's how the scene goes (Guy and girl are in a field. pretty music starts to play) (guy stares at girl) (girl stares at guy) (guy stares at girl) cut back to movie. That's pretty much all that happens for about half the movie.

The rest of the film is incredibly awkward dialogue about a bunch of models wanting to buy an apartment. So this real estate agent shows them one and when i say the dialogue is awkward i mean, if it were a dancer it would trip during the MACARENA. None of the characters in this movie are likable. The models are incredibly irritating, the victorian people don't talk, and the guy telling the story has the personality of a sack of onions. So eventually all the girls get killed off. and by killed off, i mean drug offscreen. ooh. you showed ONE death? and by death i mean holding her face till they put the blood makeup on? awesome.

HOW this guy even knows this story baffles me. He says it's because he saw it. but how? there was no guy in that apartment! the door was locked shut with no way out, the windows were attached to a fire escape that was too rotten to work, how the HELL did he see all that? Oh plot holes. we DO love you. So the movie finishes up with the newswoman saying "i think you made it up. you're wasting our time" despite the fact that she begged him for the interview in the first place. Whatever. This movie was stupid, pointless, and made no sense with a lot of plot holes. I could go on and on about this movie, but i don't see the need. i'd much rather spend my time doing something uselful. Like widdle something. "Hell's Threshold" more belongs in purgatory with 2 dumb models. out of 10.

Branded
(2006)

the killer did what because of what?
Ha. the first thing i noticed about this movie was that i'm the 6th person to grade this movie. that means only 5 other people besides me took the time to come on this site to say they've seen this movie. That's funny.

The only way i believe anyone could have seen this movie is on the "Mortuary of Madness" collection on disc 2. But, enough of the introduction, lets talk about the movie.

This movie was interesting. messed up, weird, and odd.....but interesting. interesting in the way that finding an old rotting banana in the back of your fridge is interesting.

The movie does one of those "Starts off at the end" things where it shows the main character getting arrested for something. what? well we'll find out eventually. So a apparently famous band named "fear....something" are at a boat house near a lake. Despite the fact that it is stated that the main character hates water. so yeah. this is making sense already. The drummer is a complete idiot to every one of his teammates and treats his love interest horribly. He ties her up with duct tape then leaves and a few minutes later she's killed. it's far too obvious that it's the drummer so you know it can't possibly be him. the band mates complain about stuff, a random cop comes in and they make a bet about getting a tattoo, and the cop finds the dead body.

The rest of the band is worrying about making an album because their manager is a crazy chick with a pseudo god complex. Oh, did i forget to mention that the main character has visions? well he does. why you may ask?...i have....absolutely no idea. he just...does. They don't affect the story line in any way, shape, or form...he just....has them. i don't know if they were trying to be artsy or something, but it just seemed to me to be confusing and weird. So towards the end of the movie, we see the band manager drug one of the band members and kill him making it look like a suicide. (which the cops never mention btw) We then find out that the manager is the sister of the main character (mitch) and she was the murderer and was going to pin it on mitch because he was going to leave the band. and she killed people to use the death screams of the people she killed in their new single (rubs bridge of nose) so....let me get this straight. you saved your brother from your abusive father as a kid only to later frame him for murder because he was going to leave the band breaking it up so she killed another member of the band because he was learning too much and you killed random people to use death screams in a video as opposed to just hiring actors....

I can't even make a joke about how that makes sense even sarcastically. Because it doesn't. Reading that paragraph just gave me a headache. The biggest problem with this movie was that i didn't know what genre this movie was going for. it wasn't really a horror...it wasn't gory, it wasn't psychological....it was....just THERE. um... so it's hard to really despise a movie where you don't know what they were going for. So i'm just going to go with saying it was pointless. That's the word for this movie. Pointless. The motivation was nonsensical, the acting for a lot of the actors was pretty meh, and the attempt at vision artistry just confused me more than anything. While it isn't the worst movie i've seen on this set so far, I hope to GOD it won't be the best.

Branded gets 3 death screams on CD out of 10.

Amped
(2004)

Oh look it's a noir movie! oh wait no,my mistake.
This movie is WEIRD. Now I know that's an odd way to start a review, but trust me, this is an odd movie. The first thing i noticed about this movie was the actual video quality. I don't know how to describe this. Firstly they used letterbox Widescreen cameras. And...for direct to DVD movies.... that.....can be a problem. it wasn't anamorphic, it was like keyhole widescreen. and that got a bit distracting. The second odd thing was the filters. This movie LOVED filters. Either black and white, blue and black, orange, yellow, i don't know what was going on, but i think they just found a box of filters and went "Hey! Now we can call the movie artistic!" And thirdly, the sound. Sometimes it would be very quiet, and sometimes the mic would pick up wind in the background. Not the most professional level quality, but hey, what do you expect on a 50 movie set?

Now onto the actual movie. The first thing i'm going to mention is just plain "No". It shows how these girls are supposedly in an EXTREMELY popular rockband, popping up on the covers from everything from Rolling Stones to Playboy. And of course, they're living in this random house with no paparazzi around. EVER. Sure. whateeeevver you say. The movie opens with the girl already dead. Narrating herself being dead. But that's quickly forgotten as a random cop makes a joke and leaves never to be seen again. Damn. I didn't know this movie could afford extras! So the detective arrives on the scene (Why do all these low budget detectives look like they got to pick their own wardrobe for these movies?) and takes one taste of some coke found on the dead girls body and profoundly announces "Case Closed" and that's why we apparently don't even need a coroner at the scene. Or this guy's partner. Just him all by himself pretty much immediately after a high profile death took place. Awesome job movie. No one is taken down to the station, instead this detective seems to be like a vigilante case running around trying to find this girl to get information about the death.

At one point we cut to the Coroner's office (Aka some building with chairs and a few drawers) stating how the death wasn't an OD and she was murdered by asphyxiation. Oh noez! really! and now i'm supposed to care, right? OK. just making sure.

So next the girl who also was in the band ends up getting killed as well. Okay, wow. After the first girl was just found murdered, this band which is supposedly AS POPULAR as like N'SYNC just got murdered, there's no extra bodyguards assigned, not to mention NO PAPARAZZI. oh sorry let me rephrase. When they hold a press conference about their band mate's death. 1 guy with a microphone shows up. These guys are beginning to sound less like Rolling Stone material and more Home and Garden's style.

So, after a whole bunch of random crap including a girl who was far to chunky to be the supposedly sexy member of the group sleeping with the cop it turns out the cop is evil (makes shocked face). oh no. wait. that was cliché. whew! Turns out he's also a dirty cop and wanted the money for his drugs. Instead of...you know...just taking the drugs back after he killed her. cause...that would have been SMART. Also i have another question. If he's a cop, wouldn't he KNOW that the autopsy would prove she was killed by asphyxiation? Just a thought. Did he just HOPE that they wouldn't do an autopsy on a music star? I don't know but that's just stupid.

So we get to the last five minutes, the evil guy points a gun at the girl who's holding a knife and says "see, i have a gun and you have a knife. in order to kill someone with a knife you have to get close" and i am NOT kidding you, he walks into stabbing distance and pretty much says "like this" and then he stabs her and went "i didn't think you'd DO that!" (facepalms) This is the stupidest villain ever! i'd be more scared if Marv from Home Alone showed up on my doorway!

And then, to add insult to injury, after she stabs him, he's still fully conscious with the gun pointed at her AND KEEPS TALKING! oh my god i wanted to punch this guy! shoot somebody you dumb piece of crap! but of course he gets beaten by a lamp or something. i don't know. he doesn't really get...beaten... the chunky chick kind of just... lightly taps something on the ground that was obviously borrowed from the house they were in so it wouldn't break. So they lock the guy in the room who's unconscious, only to wake up and die from his blood loss. Cause yeah. THAT makes sense.

This movie was just pointless. I GUESS it was trying to go for like..a Film Noir feel, but it wasn't NEARLY cool enough for that. The acting was dry (especially from the chunky chick and the cop) it was stock, trite and most importantly boring. And of course one of the most obvious things, it had NO BUSINESS BEING IN A HORROR SET. This movie was all around unnecessary. however, it isn't the WORST film i've seen. so yeah... 3 out of 10.

p.s. movie makers, if you're reading this, if you're going to make a boring rip off at a film noir, at least SHOW some of the nudity. you're not being clever with your camera angles, you're being annoying.

Christmas Is Here Again
(2007)

Makes me love Christmas EVEN MORE..and that's hard to do
To start off with, i wasn't thinking too much about this movie going in. I had never heard of this film and the only reason i knew of its existence was because of my local Redbox. However, the Christmas season came upon me and i decided to give it a shot. and to be honest, i was completely shocked. not only did i like this movie, but i loved it so much i went out and bought it the next day. This movie is really adorable. Now normally i can find little girl characters in Christmas movies to be annoying brats. ( A good example of this is that irritating little girl from The Santa Clause 3) However, not only was i not repulsed by Sophianna in this film, i thought she was completely adorable and wanted to give her a big "it'll all be OK" hug. Pretty much to the point that, if she were real, "I" would have adopted her myself. haha. This movie's vocal cast was great as well. i loved Norm as the fox, it just fit perfectly. the lesson was cute and the story was very original. i actually thought the twist with Santa's magic sack was really cool and original. The only reason why this movie doesn't get higher than an 8 is for one simple reason. The songs....weren't that great to be honest. While the plot, characters, and voices were all great, a lot of the songs left much to be desired. Other than that though, this was a great Christmas movie which i have already added to my collection and i really wish it DID had a theatrical release. Oh well, i guess i'll have to be satisfied with it on DVD. However, Christmas is here again really brings out the joy of Christmas, with 8 magical bags, out of 10

Frosty Returns
(1992)

A cute little Christmas break
i really have no idea why people are bashing this movie. it's actually very cute, but at the same time, short enough to watch it when you have to go somewhere fast. Granted i liked "legend of frosty the snowman" better, but this still was a fun little episode length movie. I actually enjoy it more than the Rankin Bass ones. I don't know why, but i've never really been a big fan of Rankin style. Not that it's bad, but it isn't one of my favorites. As for Frosty returns, it's actually a pretty original story idea. It takes Frosty and brings him into a newer era, and gives him new friends and a new environment. and, it even has a subtle environmental message. If i had to complain about one thing about this movie, it would be the pacing. since they had to shove everything into a 23 minute movie, some of the more subtle scenes were lost. I think it was a bit odd how when the snowman started to talk the girl just kind of went "oh, hey" as opposed to any real sign of shock. Other than that though, it was very cute and i'd watch it again very soon. Frosty returns can always return to my DVD player, with 8 cans of winter wheeze, out of 10.

Tom and Jerry: The Movie
(1992)

Tom and Jerry, the way "I" Remember it.
now i know that simply by the score i'm giving this movie, people are going to mark it as "not useful". but you know what, that's OK. But still, i feel that i have to say my share about this film. To be perfectly honest, i NEVER enjoyed the Tom and Jerry shorts growing up. Whenever they came on, i would either change the channel or simply blankly stare at the screen with more of a underlying hatred for Jerry than any sort of enjoyment.

However, when i was around 7 years old i was introduced to Tom and Jerry the movie. And to my surprise, i thoroughly enjoyed it. The songs were pretty catchy and it kept me interested throughout the entire feature. However, you know the old saying about rose colored nostalgia glasses, so i thought i'd watch this movie again. Well, i'm 23 now and i STILL like this movie. Tom and Jerry are FAR more enjoyable then they were in their incredibly violent younger days and i just found myself enjoying the film overall much more. Granted there are some scenes that are random and some of the jokes are corny when you really think about them, but all in all, this was a pretty good movie. The only downside to this movie is that now that i've seen this film, when i go back and watch the old cartoons, i'm once again horrifically disappointed. So once again, downgrade my review away if you must.

I've never been a fan of silent cartoon characters. Sometimes you can get a character even if they don't speak, but with Tom and Jerry, it was never clear. It just seemed like a bunch of bad slapstick gags that made me cringe with pain imagining that damage rather than enjoying it. The same can be said for the Looney Toons. I don't know. when i was little, violence was never my thing. i was more of a care bears/ teddy ruxpin kid rather than a transformers of GI Joe kid. So to me, this film was a breath of fresh air from the unsuitable violence that the original Tom and Jerry shorts had. i liked the Robin character, the fat dog on the skateboard was hilarious, and the two antagonists were pretty enjoyable to hate as well.

Even though many people don't agree with me, i really don't care. To me, this is a great movie and i'd show it to my eventual kids any day of the week over those violent shorts of yesteryear.

With that said, the Tom and Jerry Movie gets 7 bags of MONNNEEYYYY out of 10.

Cathy's Curse
(1977)

My DVD player stopped working during this movie, and i have never loved it more
Dear god. this movie redefines painful. This Canadian "horror" film called "Cathy's Curse" was one of the most frustrating, hair yanking movies i've ever had the misfortune to watch. At least "Oasis of the Zombies" didn't hurt my brain. This movie however, did.

To start off, yes, this is another one of the 50 chilling classics movies. Number 29 and it seems that they're getting worse by the film. And this one is far from an exception.

But i guess i better tell you what it's about. OK, here it goes. Firstly, we start off in a very orange quality, where it looks like someone peed on the original negatives. an opening text is shown for all of 1 second and then is cut away so you don't have the time to read it. something about a father and a daughter, but the ends are also cut off by the horrible formatting to fullscreen. A father and a daughter are in a car, roll gently down a hill and the car explodes. i REALLY don't know why cars that roll down hills gently, explode for some reason in these films. i didn't know cars were that flammable. oh well, cut forward to years later, when the other family members move into the house and the guy's little daughter turns inexplicably evil. why? i'm not sure. that's not really explained. according to the DVD sleeve, she's possessed by the spirit of her dead aunt. um....OK let's go with that.

There are a lot of crappy effects like jump cuts, or dolls pulled along wires or glowing painting eyes. All horrible effects i could do myself. The girl isn't menacing, she's just REALLY irritating. like "devil times five" irritating. first an old lady dies while the girl's around, the mother goes crazy, and the dog gets killed all while the little girl is laughing maniacally and saying evil things and no one can put two and two together. This girl is one of the most unconvincing evil characters i've had the misfortune to come across. The only other person who's more unconvincing is her mom who sounds like if you fused a new jersey hair dresser with daisy duck. She tries to act...but fails.

Another thing i hate is how no one ever suspects the kids. like kids are all innocent and could never be evil. BULL. CRAP. i'm getting really sick of that. if kids are killing people, STOP LOOKING THE OTHER WAY and own these kids! being 10 is not a free pass to kill people. if they're killing people, you gotta own their face in a horror movie! geez.

Now, about 2/3 of the way through this movie my PS2 stopped playing the movie with a "disc read error" and i have never been happier at my Ps2. that means i don't have to watch this piece of garbage anymore and i have an excuse not to finish it. This is the first DVD on the list that i didn't finish, but i don't have the heart to try again on a different DVD player. I'd rather do something more constructive with my time. LIke count pennies. Please skip this movie. if it's on your 50 movie DVD set, SKIP IT and don't even bother. it's acid trippy, stupid, flat, and incredibly lame. "Cathy's Curse" gets 1 old lady falling out of a window, out of 10

Horror
(1963)

The Blandville Monster
This movie was one thing. extraordinarily bland. movie number 27 on the countdown of 50 Chilling Classics and once again, a bore. Well, at least it wasn't as painful as the last one on the list. But oh well, i guess i better tell you what it's about.

This girl comes back from college with her two friends, (both from America)and they return to the house to find that since she's been away so long, all the staff has changed and her brother is there to welcome her back. it was said that her father, owner of the blanchville estate died in a fire. During this, she falls in love with the American guy, but during the night she's visited by her supposedly dead father who tells her to go to a tomb and die.

We find out this is because there is a prophecy on an old tombstone that says if she's allowed to live to 21, then the blanchville estate will collapse. Supposedly the father isn't dead and he's a burned crazy guy running around trying to hypnotize the girl to walk into a tomb. Something i don't understand about this movie is the fact that, if he wants to kill her, why doesn't he just....oh i don't know, stab her while she's sleeping? and for that matter, why'd he wait until 2 days before she turned 21 to kill her? that doesn't make any sense! Long story short, nobody trusts anybody, they all run around like chicken's with their heads cut off, they think the girl died, so they put her in a coffin behind solid granite which she later....leaves. i don't know how because they never showed it, but she kind of just ignores being trapped and decides to come out. Turns out the killer isn't her father, but her brother in a halloween mask. and then he backs up and falls into a well because he fails...at everything.

for being a horror movie, this movie has a whopping body count of TWO. whoo boy. watch out! This movie takes too long to do anything, is quite dull, and you really don't care for ANY of these characters. If i had to watch it again, i wouldn't explode, but i wouldn't pop it in for fun anytime soon. The Blanchville monster gets 3 bad black and white looking effects, out of 10.

Bakterion
(1982)

(snicker) seriously? His name is Captain Kirk?
I'm just going to get this out of the way first. Yes, the main hero in this movie's name is Kirk, and he's a captain in the army. So yes. they refer to him throughout the picture as "Captain Kirk". Now, to me, that's HILARIOUS. i had to rewind the movie just to make sure i wasn't hearing things. And there was even an officer named "O'Brien" later on in the movie. I'm shocked that the monster's name wasn't "Riker". But enough of the good stuff, let's dive into "Panic".

This movie is another on our awesome 50 chilling classics collection at number 26. Now i took a two week break at the halfway mark, and coming back, i'm not so sure WHY i came back. OK, if you looked at the top, i gave this movie a 2. So what's the big problem with this movie you may ask? One word. PACING. This movie's pacing is TERRIBLE. this 90 minute movie has a plot that could either have been resolved in 15 minutes but it also had the plot to stage an entire 90 minute movie if they did it correctly. Sadly, here, they did not. It's really sad when i understand more of the movie from reading the one paragraph DVD sleeve in my Box set, but that seems to be happening more and more with these movies. And this movie is no exception. on the DVD sleeve it says "A British research scientist is working with various forms of bacteria when he is accidentally exposed to a deadly variety due to a lab accident." OK. there are 3 problems with that sentence. 1. This movie is Italian, not British. But all the actors are dubbed British so they put in stock pictures of England. Why? I'm not sure. 2. No, i did not accidentally type "Variety" instead of "Virus" That is what actually was printed on my DVD sleeve. and 3. IT NEVER SHOWS YOU THAT IN THE MOVIE. in the film it starts out with some rats fighting in a lab, a guy grabs his face and that's it. i had NO idea what happened. and honestly, i STILL have no idea what happened.

Like i said though. This movie is S-L-O-W. it takes forever to make any point and while the movie has a relatively high body count, all kills are offscreen and in the dark. and they quickly cut away from any sort of interesting nudity. pff. this considers itself a monster mash film? There's at least 3 times in the movie where they could have stopped this monster dude but then...they didn't for some reason? and that just gives them an excuse to have lengthy scenes of them talking. um. yay? I really had to pull out the DS during this movie. it was more than i could do to pay HALF attention to it let alone ALL my attention. But i gave it a good go. i gave it 45 minutes of my undivided attention and there was so little going on i realized that i could do at least 2 more things at once and still know exactly what was going on. and you know what? i was right.

The ending is extremely abrupt with no time for an epilogue and the final scene just makes NO sense. i'm not going to give the ending away but i will say 5 words. "Fire extinguisher? What the crap?" With pacing that could bore Ben Stein, characters that are less enjoyable then a Disney channel sitcom line-up, and an ending more predictable than the ending to "The Village", Panic gets 2 melty faces, out of 10

La figlia di Frankenstein
(1971)

The First time i've ever seen Mary Sueing in a horror movie
Wow. Just wow. Never before have i seen a horror movie in which it seemed like a bad self insert fanfic that somebody wrote one day in 20 minutes. And then i happened to come upon "Lady Frankenstein". This movie takes everything you know about Frankenstein and turns it completely upside down... and not in a good way. If you've seen this movie you either stumbled across it on Italian TV, or you have the dubbed version on the 50 Chilling Classics Box set like i have, as number 24. And lets just say there's a reason why these movies are here. Because they're not very good. enough of that though, onto the movie.

It starts out with Dr. Frankenstein trying to make the monster with his assistant who's....obviously not igor for some reason. His college graduate daughter (?) shows up and states how she just graduated with a medical degree, cause yeah. there were so many female doctors back then. So she states how she wants to help her father with his work and he says no. And then he makes the monster and it kills him. So she grieves for exactly 7 seconds and then makes up a story with the assistant how it was a burglar. The monster escapes and goes on a rampage.

OK, i really can't believe they killed Dr. Frankenstein so early in the movie. he dies like...20 minutes in. and then his daughter takes over. which.... doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but sure.

So Lady frankenstein decides the best way to kill the monster who's now rampaging....is to make ANOTHER monster! oh yes how i love her logic. so her new monster she gets the body by killing someone and putting the brain of the assistant in it...i know. just nod and go along with it. So the monsters meet and duke it out. I love how the assistant asks "why don't we just let the mobs kill it?" and she answers with "They wouldn't know how to kill it!" and in the end he kills it with an axe to the head. haha. oh yeah, nobody ELSE could have figured THAT one out. so in the end the brain switched new monster kills lady frankenstein. The End.

This movie was just....weird. it was seriously like somebody wrote a self insert fanfic. There's no other way to describe this movie. there were some odd naked scenes too. like, this girl was having naked sex in the park with her boyfriend, the monster picks up the girl and the guy drives away. haha. nice guy. She then struggles a bit and dies from.....to be quite honest, i really don't know what she died from. But whatever. It's Lady Frankenstein. It doesn't have to make sense.

This movie had a lot of those "Why?" moments to the point that i just gave up. Movies shouldn't do that, but for some reason i see that more than i probably should.

So final word, it's not the worst movie i've seen on this pack, but it's a tad boring, and full of many many holes and random things.

So Lady Frankenstein gets 3 Frankenstein porn scenes, out of 10

Cries in the Night
(1980)

What's that over there? Oh, silly me, that's the supposed twist ending
Have we really watched this many movies? yes. yes we have. Number 23 on our 50 chilling classics set. And while this movie doesn't make me as violently ill as "Devil Times Five" it's not really that good either.

It's about a girl who goes to stay with her grandma for a while because she's going to turn it into a bed and breakfast from a funeral home. The grandfather's not there because he disappeared one day and no one knows what happened.

Stupid people start to stay in the Bed and Breakfast and the girl begins to hear noises from the basement as if her grandmother is talking to someone. That's when the stupid people start dying. In pathetic ways i might add.

So we get through the whole movie, the whole time with our fingers on our chins going "i know the twist. i know the twist" and once you get to the end, you're right. the twist is exactly what you thought it was. It's so obvious and bad, i'm not even going to tell you. if you see the first five minutes of this movie you'll know what it is.

One of the things that bugged me about this movie was that the main girl was COMPLETELY useless. Like, she didn't do ANYTHING. She screamed a bunch, hid, and did absolutely nothing. She liked to throw tantrums, yell at people and be incredibly thick. She was more frustrating to watch than anything.

The movie went on for a tad too long and didn't need to be as well. In total, Funeral home gets 3 Psycho rip-offs, out of 10.

Peopletoys
(1974)

The only way this could be Devil times five is if "devil" means 17 minutes
Now i don't like to use juvenile terms when i review a movie, but honestly. i hated this movie. hated hated hated this movie. I know that's a childish thing to say (no pun intended) but there's no better word. This movie was stupid.

Allrighty, i might as well tell you WHY. So let's jump into Movie number 22 on our Chilling Classics 50 movie pack.

So it starts off with these little annoying kids who climb out of a bus that crashed apparently unharmed. It seems that they just escaped from a crazy house and they are just.... it isn't really clear what their motive it, they're just doing stuff. On the other side of the plot though an old guy who isn't much of a family man has a get together for the rest of his family. They all kind of yell at each other the whole time, so it really isn't that good of a reunion. Or then again, it's like EVERY reunion. Now it said on my DVD sleeve that these people were mafia. I don't know, they never mentioned it, and if this old guy were the head of a mafia you'd think he'd have guards or something, but you know what? i seriously question ever aspect of this movie anyway.

So these kids show up and start killing off people one by one. And everyone thinks it's suicides. Because they're idiots. And then they lose their guns. because they're idiots. Then they start getting killed off one by one... because, well something tells me you could figure out why.

I am going to spoil the ending here for one specific reason. So you know what happens and you have no cause or reason to see this movie. EVER. The only guy left's girlfriend gets killed by the kids, so he goes out to get his revenge. FINALLY! oh. wait. then he falls in some bear traps and dies..... God i hate this movie.

Look. There's something people who make movies need to understand. Just because you have a child in a movie, that does not make them invincible. If a child/ group of children are killers, it does not mean that they can get away scott free and that we think that would be chilling or a role reversal. No. IT'S STUPID. it doesn't frighten or disturb you, it INCREDIBLY ANNOYS YOU. if that was their attempt, then great job, but something tells me they're not that smart to think of something like that. If you have 5 main evil kids, AT LEAST 2 have to die if you're going to make some live. you CANNOT have all of them live. That is BEYOND retarded. Now i know that sort of thing in the role reversal is terrible like Jason Voorehees pretty much won't ever be seen killing a kid, but on the other hand, if 5 kids are slaughtering everybody around them, i think they need to pull out the punches and start lopping off some annoying kid heads.

Now i normally don't review in this way, but this movie made me angry at it. So much so that if it were not part of a collection, and "passenger of bali" (which is also on the same disc) not being somewhat entertaining, i would have thrown this stupid thing out.

Devil times five gets 1 terrible EVERYTHING out of 10.

Studio One: A Passenger to Bali
(1950)
Episode 29, Season 2

This was in my horror box set, why?
Now, i'm not going to complain about this movie/episode, in fact, i kinda liked it. the only real problem i had was that in my 50 horror movie box set "Chilling Classics" at number 21 they gave me an episode of "studio one". I find that to be a bit odd. Why would you put a TV episode in a box of horror titles? did they run out of public domain movies to use? But, that little complaint aside, it's really not that bad.

The story is about a man who gains passage on a ship going to bali. the captain agrees, little does he realize the passenger is not allowed in any country, so he's stuck aboard his ship, slowly driving everyone insane. Not going to spoil the ending, was pretty decent though.

It was interesting that since this was a 1950 TV show, they had the commercials still in there. it broke the action up though, and that was kind of irritating. The acting was pretty good and the supporting cast was fun. you actually felt yourself in the captain's shoes. What would you do if you were stuck as he was? it was a very good moral dilemma story.

If you're looking for something short, pop it in, you might just be surprised. And if you happen to have it on the chilling classics box set, just don't watch the next movie on the disc. But that's another review.

Passenger of Bali gets 6 well forged passports, out of 10.

Body of the Prey
(1970)

What is he getting revenge on?
So yeah, movie number 19! holy Jesus have we really seen that many on the "Chilling Classics" Box set? Yes, if you've made it this far, apparently we have. So this movie "The Revenge of Dr. X" or...one of the 30 other alternate titles this movie has from "Double Garden" to "Venus Fly Trap". And to be honest, both of those (well, maybe not double garden) make a whole lot more sense than this title. I can find 2 problems with this title. 1. he never refers to himself as Dr. X. so WHY is he Dr. X in the title? and 2. What revenge? who is he getting revenge on and why? it makes no sense.

But anyway, onto the actual movie. A scientist at NASA completes his test to send something into space. yays! but he's very stressed and his assistant makes his take a vacation. He agrees and he's off to have a nice vaca in Japan. Hey! i'm currently living there now! But when he gets there he immediatlely wants to start work on a venus fly trap that over the LONNNGGG course of an hour he turns into a venus fly trap...man...thing. Why? i have absolutely no idea. I guess good scientists become evil scientists on vacation? no idea.

That's one of the biggest issues i had with this movie. He goes on a vacation to make a giant venus fly trap man? HOW is that vacationing? Whatever. Eventually the thing gets loose, kills a few people and then he and the doctor fall into stock footage of a volcano. The End.

One of the biggest problems i had with this movie is, of course, it's boring. It takes the doctor a good hour to create the monster. and when he does, it's so cheesy and stupid that it just makes you laugh. it looks like a guy in a rubber suit with boxing gloves on. And then there's an odd scene where there's a bunch of topless Japanese girl scuba divers who helped out the doctor by diving to find some weird plant to which the doctor doesn't even bat an eyelash, and in the next scene they're all wearing shirts on the beach. Don't get me wrong i'm not complaining, it just seemed....misplaced. It's the equivalent of watching a documentary on the civil war and they splice in cinemax. It's....definitely a surprise. a GOOD surprise, but a surprise nonethenless.

It takes far too long for the monster to be created, and when he gets loose, he only stays like that for maybe 12 minutes. It's not nearly interesting enough and the monster's more stock than a cardboard robot from the 50's. This movie is the EPITAMY of B cinema, only with less monsters and more people who sound like Bob Barker talking. I spent half the movie playing cards because i couldn't seem to keep my focus until the last 20 minutes when something actually happened. This movie just takes WAY too long to say what it wants to say, and to me that's the WORST offense a movie can make (well, next to animal and eye violence).

So all in all, "Revenge of Dr. X" Gets 2 boxing glove hands on a man in a rubber suit, out of 10

Bad Taste
(1987)

S'cuse me, i think i'm going to be sick
I've heard of some of Peter Jackson's earlier work and i knew some of them to be mildly disgusting, but little did i know what i was walking into when i picked up "Bad Taste". Well technically i didn't REALLY pick it up because it's movie number 20 in the "Chilling Classics" Box set. So how does it stack up? isn't that the million dollar question.

This movie was odd. That's the best word i can use to describe it. It was a disgusting gore fest, but at the same time, meant to be a comedy. And there were a few moments where despite myself i had to go "ok, that's kind of amusing." but for the most part i was so busy trying not to vomit that i really didn't find too many of the jokes to be at all entertaining. Was the fact that Peter's skull kept opening supposed to be a joke? cause i just found that really disgusting and unsettling.

I mean, i really like horror movies, but i guess to the extent that less is definitely more. This movie wasn't meant to terrify, but to completely gross you out. i can't think of any other reason this movie exists. The movie would have been fine on its own without all that unnecessary gore. If they cut out all the gore, the movie would have been fine. I mean it's not that hard to re-edit it, cutting out all the over the top stuff. If they were going for a comedy, all they had to do was cut that stuff out. I don't like being horrifically grossed out while they're attempting to make me laugh. No thanks. I guess i can see why some people may like this movie, but it's really not for me. I need to go watch something wholesome to wash my mind. like....Disney or something.

For sheer unnecessary gore and a movie that could have been over in half the time but for some reason kept dragging on and on, Bad Taste gets 3 Chainsawed aliens, out of 10.

Profondo rosso
(1975)

"Deep Red" would have been a thriller, if they made me care about the characters.
So yes. Here we are at number 18 on our "Chilling Classics" Movie pack. And oh well, we might as well get right into it.

Allrighty. This movie begins with, that's right, you guessed it, somebody getting stabbed. Why they're getting stabbed? Who's stabbing them? i have no idea! well, maybe i will after the movie's over. OK. Here's the first problem with a slasher thriller. it's 2 hours long. The alternate title to this movie is "The Hatchet Murders" no movie with that alternate title should be over 90 minutes. if you make a slasher thriller and it's 126 minutes, you're just pure unadulterated evil.

So the movie is about this psychic who we know for all of 5 minutes as she's quickly murdered by somebody because she knows that person committed murder. Apparently that person thinks about it so loudly that it drowns out 200 other people in the audience. My opinion is that the killer was probably singing the meow mix song in their head while replacing the lyrics "i'm a killer, i'm a killer, stab my husband in the baaackk". And then the girl gets owned by a cleaver. several times. However our hero (a pianist) sees the murder take place and takes it upon himself to solve it. And the police kind of just step aside as he does so. Watch out men! he's a licensed Pianist! And to drive this fact home, they show a scene where he plays the piano, just in case you didn't believe him.

Then we're introduced to quite possibly the stupidest journalist in...well... okay, they are stupid in EVERY movie but you get the point. Not only does she barge into the crime scene to take photos, but she takes a snapshot of the only eyewitness putting his name and info on the front page of the paper. i'm sorry, that's...that's just stupid. So mr pianist and his new journalist spunky female friend (my brain hurts) try to figure out the murders. Why? i have absolutely no clue. Apparently it has a connection to a song or something, but then it doesn't? So after a grueling hour and a half of searching we discover that it's the pianist's friend. and granted his death is pretty badass. Getting dragged by a truck and head crushed is pretty nifty. and all is well....OR IS IT?! no! because the real killer is his mom! The reasoning behind that is that several decades ago she killed her husband because....he...wanted to take her to the doctor to get mental help. So she stabs him. Sorry but.... if you stab your husband...doesn't that kind of PROVE you're crazy? and that's all the backstory we get for the reason she killed like 10 people. and the son was just covering it up for her. And then she gets her head cut off because she was wearing gaudy jewelry. The End.

The biggest problem of this movie besides the ungodly length was the fact that i really didn't care about these characters or why they were doing what they were doing. i sort of just shrugged and felt like going about my business. They didn't draw me in, i didn't feel anything they were doing and i felt like the pianists involvement was random and i didn't believe it. i know i always say that a movie should be based on entertainment value and i stick by that. But if a movie drags on and on, you get bored and you begin to think about these things. Now granted there's some cool gore and it's not the worst thing i've ever seen, it's pretty passable, but other than a meh, i wasn't that interested. I was more than a little shocked when i saw the high ratings on this movie. I could see this movie maybe getting a 4-6, but nothing above that. that's just ridiculous.

Deep Red gets 4 Necklaces of death, out of 10

El monte de las brujas
(1973)

Beware the witches! that are...um..somewhere.... doing.... something...
Welcome to movie 17 on the chilling classics 50 pack. Where we'll see, That's right. Another movie that makes absolutely no sense. Seriously, this movie had me so confused at the end, i thought i was rewatching "At Dawn they Sleep." The plot seems simple enough....well that is until 3 seconds into the movie where a girl supposedly killed a cat and then...um.. explodes? i have no idea what happened. and that was BEFORE THE TITLE SCREEN. That's really sad when i can't even tell what happened in the first 3 minutes.

Anyway it stars a photographer with a big mustache who finds this girl after dumping his other girlfriend on the way to take pictures of something somewhere. so we get there but not before somebody steals their jeep to drive it 200 feet out of the way towards a town. suspicious? nah. so they decide to stay at this deserted village with one old lady. and then blah blah stuff happens and blah blah talking. The guy with the mustache goes out in the fog for some reason even though the old lady tells him not to. He gets lost and then finds his way back.

Oh, i forgot to mention this is all after an incredibly pointless 20 minutes of them staying in the house of a guy who looks like that buggy eyed guy from casablanca. Then they leave. There's really no point to this scene. It's really just padding. if you cut it out no one would have noticed or cared.

But sadly, that was actually the best part of the movie. wait. let me rephrase that. REALLY sadly that was the best part of the movie. because the rest is so confusing that i had to look on IMDb to find out what happened. But of course no one else knows so i'm SOL.

Seriously, the last 30 minutes of the movie were some of the most mindscrewing moments i've ever seen on film. They dressed her up in a dress, he gets kidnapped, then released, he runs back to the house, then at the end the witches are in the house and it ends? seriously. i have hardly ever been so confused in a movie. i mean, as bad as movies such as "War of the Robots" are, at least they MAKE SENSE. this movie doesn't even make the ATTEMPT to be coherent. the ending was as confusing as the end of "At dawn they sleep" and the plot was much more boring. This movie gets a 1 just for its sheer "i have no idea what happened in this movie"ness. "Witches mountain" gets 1 confused movie watcher out of 10.

La tumba de los muertos vivientes
(1982)

Desert of the Sleeping Dead
I say this because as i watched it i felt like i was sleeping. and dead. This is by far one of the most boring movies i've ever seen in my life. This is even worse than Medusa. I didn't think that was possible, but lo and behold, another movie to make me question the horribleness that is Medusa. ow. my eyes hurt after watching this.

Okay, movie number 16 in the chilling classics horror pack, but you know what? even though it's the correct genre, it's still a horrible piece of crap. I know i don't usually let myself succumb to bad movie-itis where i gush about how bad it is, but this movie really goes above and beyond to make me do so.

OK, plot. The Nazis fought a battle in some place in...Africa or something while transporting gold. Everybody died and the gold was hidden. A boy finds out his dad is dead and he decides to go with his friends and find it. now i just told you what happens in 45 minutes of this movie. in 3 sentences. that's how little happens in this movie. When the zombies finally do show up, all they ever do is extreme closeups and it looks pathetic. There's nothing to signify that they're nazi zombies. they're just....closeups of fake skulls. like a typical zombie movie, the acting is terrible and nobody ever bothers to run from the zombies. they kind of just....stand there. Now, normally i don't like zombie movies. I don't like zombies because they kind of creep me out and i find their movies overtly gross. There should not be a zombie movie that i not only am not grossed out by, but am falling asleep to.

All they ever do is talk, say some stuff you don't care about, try to tell you things about the main boy who you couldn't care less about if you tried, show some sand, maybe a zombie every 25 minutes, some crappy sex, and then some more talking. and some terribly edited zombies. and that's about the whole movie.

This is one of the lamest attempts at making a movie i have ever seen. i couldn't even sit and watch the movie on its own. i had to either play my DS, play some cards, or play wheel of fortune online while watching this stinker.

This is the worst in the collection so far. Followed closely by Medusa. I know you may want to see all 50 movies in this collection, but trust me. Just skip it. Go onto the next movie. At least i hope the next movie is better. This is the kind of movie that gives these sets a bad name. instead of watching this, just go watch "Horror Express" again. it'll be far more enjoyable. "Oasis of the Zombies" gets 1 sleeping audience member, out of 10.

La guerra dei robot
(1978)

Space.....the final rip off. These are the voyages of the starship copy-paste
Wow...just wow. i have never seen a more blatant rip off of Star Wars and Star Trek in my whole life. This movie was made in 1978, right after the release of Star Wars, and a while after Star Trek. and it really shows. This movie copied everything from lightsabers to phasers, to the cardboard sets. But while Star Trek was endearing, this was not.

Now we're on to movie 15 of our 50 chilling classics and let me just say first of all that THIS IS IN THE WRONG MOVIE PACK. This OBVIOUSLY should be in the sci-fi pack. There is nothing horror movie related about this. So WHY it's in a horror pack, like "Death Rage" i have no idea. They really have to preview these movies before they put them in the pack. At least put the genres together correctly. that would be like putting "Abbott and Costello Meet the invisible man" in the Western box set. If i wanted to see sci-fi, i'd have bought the Sci-fi pack.

Another problem with this movie is how it's titled "War of the Robots". which usually entails that Robots are fighting each other. Now there are robots in this movie, but they look so pathetic it's incredibly amusing. Every robot looks exactly like a human with a blonde mullet and a silver jumpsuit. FEAR THE ROBOTS! and you don't even learn that they ARE robots until halfway into the movie. But the robots aren't even the main villains. The main villains are these old people. Yeah. terrifying. if a movie is called "War of the robots" then i better see robots BATTLING EACH OTHER! that's like me calling the movie "Clone Wars" "The Tusken Raider battle". Sure they're in there, but they're not the main concern.

This movie also runs far too long. 100 minutes for a cheap Star Wars/Trek rip off is really overkill. None of the characters are endearing, except for the alien. he's pretty cool. and Julie's actually pretty hot.

Basically a professor and his assistant are kidnapped and it's up to john (kirk ripoff) (god i hated that guy) and his crew to save them because apparently the aliens kidnapped at just the wrong time when if the professor's gone, the city will explode. Man, talk about your bad timing. Now in this film, they never really give you the alien's side of the story. They're meant to seem evil and uncaring, but their reasoning for what they're doing isn't really evil, they just want to survive. However, instead of making the villains more human (no pun intended) they cartoonishly villainify them, not to mention make the professor and the assistant (lois) switch sides so many times it incredibly confused me.

All this movie made me want to do is watch the real star trek. The special effects in this were LAUGHABLE. In star trek at least the projectile showed up on screen as a beam of light. and that was 10 years ago. Here all they did was have a plastic gun flash a light with some sound effects. and the funny thing is, in the second half in the movie, they FORGOT to put in the sound effects. That's just sad. This movie tried so hard to jump on the bandwagon, but failed so miserably. I wouldn't have even seen it if it wasn't in this box set. But i repeat. IT SHOULDN'T BE IN A HORROR BOX SET! "War of the Robots" gets 2 ripped off "Star" titles, out of 10.

Sisters of Death
(1976)

I don't think anyone else should join that sorority...
Now i don't say this because of the possible getting shot in the head in an initiation to a sorority (yeah, i know. it's stupid) i say this because if you join this sorority, you may end up in the movie "Sisters of Death" and that my friend, is worse than a gun shot to the head.

Welcome to number 14 on our 50 movie list of "Chilling Classics" and well, you're in for another less than mediocre film. We begin with what looks like an initiation to like a satanic cult, but it's actually a sorority. (They only have 4 members?) and for some reason they show their courage by having a fake gun put against their head and the trigger pulled. but uh oh, in a really obvious twist the gun kills one of the girls! oh noez! oh no wait. that was totally expected...anyway, the movie then skips to 7 years later.

What happens then you may ask? why they each get a note saying to meet at this place! and they all think that they're from each other. when they get there they get taken by two random goofy guys to the house where they're supposed to meet. so they arrive and... almost immediately the father of the dead girl says that they're going to find out tomorrow who really killed his daughter. The girls get freaked out and try to leave but there's an electrical fence so pfff. that ideas gone. So anyway the girls begin getting picked off one by one and even one of the annoying guys! yay! until finally the killer gets owned by a random pistol shot which she couldn't have possibly hit him with and he dies. and as we think they're all safe, the girl shoots the other guy and freeze frame. So now we know she was really the killer. WHY she killed people we have absolutely no idea.

the main problems with this movie are as follows. 1. the ending was stupid. it didn't resolve ANYTHING and i wanted to see the chick die. and she didn't. 2. NONE of these characters were likable. every one was whiny, stupid, and insipid. you were rooting for the killer to kill ALL of them so we didn't have to live with their stupidity. cause then at least the movie would have been over quicker.

3. despite the fact that they know the guy on the grounds is trying to kill them, they do nothing to fight against him! they just slowly die. because they're retarded.

4. they KEEP SPLITTING UP! if one of your friends die every time you leave them alone....WHY WOULD YOU KEEP LEAVING THEM ALONE?! seriously. retards.

5. the two male characters didn't belong in this movie and made it goofy and stupid Whatever. this movie could have been good, but there were too many parts with nothing happening. it wasn't the worst thing i've ever seen, but that would be saying a lot if it was.

So in the end, "Sisters of Death" gets 3 dead sorority girls, out of 10.

Snowbeast
(1977)

I know less is more, but COME ON!
Welcome to movie number 13 of the chilling classics 50 pack. And today we have the epicness of blah, Snowbeast. Warning, there is a lot of skiing in this movie. a WHOLE lotta skiing. and a monster. but that's not important apparently.

It's pretty standard fair. there's a parade/contest/fair in town, and there's reports of a thing on the loose. no one wants to shut down the event because they don't want to lose money. And of course, because of their stupidness, people die. And there's also an incredibly long subplot about this guy who was a gold medal winner and now he can't accept being normal but blah blah blah i don't care. i guess they felt they needed more padding to their movie, but it really showed.

One of the bad things about this movie is you could totally tell that it was epicly cheap since they didn't show ANY of the victims getting killed or their bodies afterwards, and you only saw the monster in quick shots and extreme closeups. There's less is more, and then there's "okay, you obviously only had five dollars to shoot this movie with". This movie really does just frustrate me with the lack of anything.

It's not tremendously boring, it's not great. it kinda just sits there. like boobs in "Hatchetman" it's just......there. This movie is definitely the shrug of the shoulder, with 4 body counts, out of 10.

(thinks) hey, there actually IS a body count of 4. well that worked out nicely. XD

Pánico en el Transiberiano
(1972)

Count Dooku AND Grand Moff Tarkin? That's just instant win
Movie #12 on our Chilling Classics DVD and for once, i can actually say that i was PLEASANTLY SURPRISED at this movie. Not only did it have some good stars, it had a very original plot, and the film showed you just enough to tantalize you but not overgorify you. For a horror movie, this was pretty good. For a Chilling Classics movie, it's AWESOME.

So let's get into it. Christopher Lee (sporting a snazzy black moustache btw) finds a man in the ice and is going to have it transported with him on a train. There he meets Peter Cushing where they don't get along right away, but slowly people who go near Lee's ice man start to randomly die, with smooth brains and no pupils. Eventually we see the ice man escape and take over the body of the policeman before it dies. So the police man is now the new villain. Along the way it kills a whole bunch of people hoping to get knowledge on how to build a rocket to get back into space. Sorry buddy you're in 1907. you ain't going ANYWHERE.

But eventually they discover it's the policeman, but then he transfers into a monk, and peter and Chris team up and beat him.

I have to say that i really liked this movie. on a normal scale, it gets about a 6.5 to 7. on the Chilling classics scale, pfff. a 9.

The only thing that annoyed me is that this is a brand new DVD set, and for some reason, the only DVD i had a bit of trouble with was for this movie. none of the other crappy movies stopped working to give me an excuse to stop playing them. nooooo only the good movie at it's climax! what crap.

But yeah. Bad DVD aside, this movie is actually very worth the time. If you own the chilling classics 50 pack, for ONCE you're in for a treat. Pop it in. it's the way 70's horror movies should be made. Horror Express gets 7 white eyes out of 10. by the way, if you're squeamish about eye violence like i am, there's a couple of times when they use a needle on an eye to extract stuff. so yeah, (shudder) look away when that happens

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