realintheory

IMDb member since July 2016
    Lifetime Total
    25+
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    1+
    IMDb Member
    2 years, 11 months

Reviews

Arctic
(2018)

left feeling cold
This film makes no sense

His plane has no transponder.. he has no radio... he didn't call in his last position as he crashed.. the helicopter crew that found him didn't tell anybody where they were.. all the helicopter's comms equipment similarly gave up ????

As if that's bad enough.. we get the most stupidly obvious ending .. he waves and sets off a flare but .. despite being obviously spottable the rescuers appear to have somehow missed him.. so he lays down to die.. as the rescuers land behind him

Films like this have to be more realistic.. this was just avoiding reality to make 'drama'

Triple Frontier
(2019)

war on drugs
Some americans steal some hard earned cash from a brazilian (?) and then kill him when all he did was work hard selling some stuff to some americans that some other americans wont let other americans sell to other americans ?

And they're the heroes ?

Mortal Engines
(2018)

shoot the wall
There's a bit near the end where the evil 'city' of London rumbles towards the Wall of the peaceloving.. anti-moving-city-people.. and the BFG shoots.. not at the bottom of the wall creating an arch for the city or, maybe, collapsing the whole thing.. but.. at the top of the wall.

All the Londoners cheer.. Yeeee ! we've killed countless thousands of people.. Yeaaa..

Then the baddie Londoners are thwarted and killed.. and the city rolls up to the collapsed rubble..

And the confused Londeners aren't slaughtered.

Nothing makes sense in this atrocious nonsense

Widows
(2018)

like a gillette advert
It's well made, acted, written and directed.. but oh dear lord ...it's preachy as hell...

Actually there is a preachy guy.. he's a preacher.. turns out he's one of those cynical, 'whats in it for me' preachers..ever seen one of those in a film before.. well.. yes.. and he's a man.. and like every single other man in the film he's an awful human being

Women on the other hand are despite being abused and downtrodden and put upon and having to raise babies and er.. totter around in high heels and.. oh i don't know..

yes, despite all that .. they can rob and kill people as well !

Yeah !

UFO
(2018)

not stupid
There have only been a few 'realistic' sci-fi / first contact films and this is one of them. The central conceit is that the aliens are testing our abilities, to see if we're worthy and intelligent enough to meet them. Given that they, again, decided to drop into the USA, they were increasing the risks but.. there's always a maths genius somewhere to rely on.

Amazingly, the story does seem consistent.. I couldn't see any obvious plot holes. The only silly thing is that it's a bunch of YAs rather than proper scientists that play the central roles but that is, sadly, more about cinema economics than reality.

Overall.. a decent effort

Patient Zero
(2018)

only if you're infected
What a pile of rubbish

why are there so many brit actors with american accents ? (made in the UK to be sold to the gullible yanks ?)

it's all shot on a shoestring (every scene is on the same set)

the script is appalling, the acting is laughable, the plot is ludicrous

it's not scary (it is offensive)

one of the worst films of the year

Mountain
(2017)

whiteout
It's not 'hard' to make a film about mountains.... nature did all the drama work for you.. but, dear Lord this is a terrible mess.

Defoe's script is an abomination. It's cod 'awesome' piffle that wouldn't appeal to half brain dead mountain goat.

Then it's an ad for Austria's favourite sugary caffeine drink

Which is an excuse for more portentous twaddle. ('Mountains are considered one of nature's greatest wonders')

Then it falls off a cliff.

Not to be attempted

Fahrenheit 451
(2018)

not a page turner
Hard to say anything good about this disaster.. projected video onto buildings.. check... hard man goes sensitive and cries a bit.. check... 'in the closet' hard man is struggling with his inner daemons, just can't help but scribble a few words.. while wearing a gimp mask.. check (kinda)

cliche after cliche..

also .. three generations into the future but people still drive the same cars that we have now.. exactly the same cars ?????

Terminal
(2018)

rabbit rabbit rabbit
Loads of it (it's cockernee for natter, banter, gift of the gab) but f all else chummie

er.. sorry... it's just a terrible film.. miss robbie is awfully easy on the eye.. but.. that doesn't redeem this 90s rehashed, 'stylish', 'thriller' with a twist that's as easy to spot as myers in prosthetics

not half as 'weird' as it thinks it is but twice as lifeless

Game Night
(2018)

i thought they'd stopped making funny films
Read my other reviews.. i think most films are terrible.. this one isn't.. ok.. there are a few wince inducing moments but.. c'mon.. the dialogue.. the acting.. the plot .. all top notch.... maybe there's hope for humanity after all

Yeom-lyeok
(2018)

get on the next train
Train to Busan is great.. this isn't.. it's too simplistic.. it's almost a kids film. The caricature 'bad guys' are like something out of a 70s disney film. The 'estranged dad makes up with his lost daughter' is a total cliche. The central idea of 'deadbeat dad gets super powers' could have gone somewhere .. but.. it just doesn't.

The Titan
(2018)

titanic yawn fest
Proves again that Netflix has more money than sense.

Utter rubbish from start to end (at least I was browsing in another window while it droned on.. and on)

A very bad film, a dull delivery, a terrible script (I guessed the next line at least 4 times).

Avoid for the sake of humanity.

12 Strong
(2018)

nice bomb run pattern
The only good thing to say is some of the photography of the mountains is spectacular.

Otherwise.. oh dear... it's amazing films like this still get made. Terrible, terrible script. Simplistic execution. The 'bad guy' looks like some cartoon character from a 1950s film. Lots of bombs and bullets, but everybody dies 'neatly'. All the bad guys can't shoot.. etc. etc.

What's sad is that the story is quite spectacular in its own right. A more realistic portrayal would have been way more effective.

Oh.. and today.. the Taliban occupy most of Afghanistan.. which is a spoiler of sorts

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
(2017)

spoiled by the trophy wives
We guessed that ending from a mile away the 'salvation' of the dumbo cop was too trite the trophy wife from the zoo was ridiculously unbelievable and the trophy wife for the chief (anne) was a disaster.. was her aussie accent suddenly brought on by grief ?? yes, the central conceit of 'life and people are more complicated than you normally see in films' was ok.. but.. not enough

Annihilation
(2018)

as good as the book and that's saying something
The book is one of the very few that has ever 'creeped me out', it has a famously 'foreboding' style in which nothing is ever explicit and yet you feel your skin crawl.

The film would have to be 5 hours long to get close to the same atmosphere... so it has to cut corners and I think it does an extraordinary job by giving us 'foreboding' characters and a truly alien presence

weird, fantastic and grown up

The Shape of Water
(2017)

fishy, very fishy
You have got to be kidding. this is a terrible film wrapped a green gauze of wispy feminine lurv but really it stinks like week old haddock the heroine can't speak... one hero is an emotionally crippled gay man (btw .. i can't be the only one to think that this film is racist and homophobic.. in the sense that gay and black people are shown as 'down trodden') the hero is a fish man who eats cast (i don't like cats so there was at least that)

but.. but.. and i so hope somebody reads this and avoids the film.. the film is set in baltimore.. the fishman needs to make it back to the sea.. so do they drive him straight to the beach on his escape ? er.. no.. they put the poor flipper in the bath tub.. so poor frustrated lady can have a bit of fishy rumpy pumpy

aaaaarggggghhhh

worse oscar winner every

Mute
(2018)

dumb
I hate it when i agree with everyone else, cos normally they're all wrong and i'm all right but in this case what a stinker..

it makes no sense

why are the americans awol ? why the pedo storyline ? why is being mute dramatic (it's that silent howl scene, isn't) ? why is the baddy a good daddy ?

everyone associated with mute must have wept buckets when they saw the new blade runner.. i don't feel sorry for them at all

Murder on the Orient Express
(2017)

remember that christmas film with the train
Well... motoe is a bit like that.. looks good but don't she know it.. its stiff upper lip is masked with a ludicrous tache and everyone is simply dripping in golly gosh tweeds it might have got it's tongue a bit too far into its hirsute chops.. and we could have all had a jolly good larf... but old 'best actor of his generation' kenny wrecks it all his steely glare and non-belgium 'we both know i'm terribly good, so why not just applaud my brilliance' ego daisy's a bit of all right though and no mistake guv

The Death of Stalin
(2017)

historic
A fantastic view of corrupted power from the master of human ineptitude. My only worry about Amando is what he could do next.. create a satire about a bumpkin taking over America ???

AlphaGo
(2017)

a too human film
Given the subject matter, I thought it ironic that the film went almost entirely for a human centric view. There was little or no explanation of why the Alpha Go program is so ground breaking. It was interesting to see it's effects on the players and creators.. but.. without the context of 'why ?', the film missed a huge point.

The Cloverfield Paradox
(2018)

monstrous
If you detach the heritage, name and some decent actors.. there's nothing left but a really, really cliched 'spacestation jumps to parallel dimension, blows up a bit and then comes back' storyline.

Nothing makes any sense, the dialogue is woeful, the plot predictable, the characters forgettable.

And.. I'm going to say it.. it's too 'feminine' .. I'm getting fed up with 'strong' female leads who silently let the tears fall down their perfect cheeks while telling everyone that loving their man and their children is 'literally all there is'.

Brawl in Cell Block 99
(2017)

cliche'd as gosh darn it
The bruiser crook with few words, fists of steel and a heart of gold, driven to extreme measures to save himself.. his wife and, god damn it, the stars and stripes

You've seen this film dozens of times before

La tortue rouge
(2016)

Child like nonsense
It looks nice.. otherwise.. spare me. It's infantislistic poppycock. Honestly.. we are alone.. we are not to be saved by turtles. We can dream. We can love nature. We can love each other. But we don't need films that a 4 year old would yawn at to be reminded that life is worth living.

La possibilité d'une île
(2008)

bonkers
The book is a masterpiece. And basically.. you have to have read it to make any sense of the film. Which.. basically.. is just a few snippets from the book. But it's some of the main snippets so there's enough for the reader to relate to the themes of desolation and isolation.

It's a shame there was no real space for all the laughs from the novel (except the bimbos in bikinis) but.. there was enough madness and surety to compensate.

Also.. there's a shot where Daniel looks out over the sea at an Island.. and an old man walks by with his corgi.. and that was worth the 10 stars.

X-Men: Apocalypse
(2016)

moral turpitude
Wait a minute.. just wait a minute...

A bloke with superpowers does a lot of damage.. sees the light.. tries to be a good bloke in Poland.. tries to help someone.. gets found out.. wife and kid are efficiently skewered by a single arrow.. he gets all moody and turns into a bad bloke...

Then.. this bad bloke with boiling blood.. murders millions of people .. MILLIONS .. as he redesigns planet Earth by uprooting thousand of buildings and crushing MILLIONS of poor saps stuck between the basement and the penthouse.

Then he has a change of heart and becomes a good bloke again.. and the other good bloke says... 'See.. I knew you had a nice side'

Then he walks away with a fetching Irish grin.

The wailing of the MILLIONS of bereaved seem to go unheard.

Rubbish.

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