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    2 years, 7 months


Faust: Love of the Damned

Incoherent But Different.... Or Something
Is this Yuzna worst movie ever? It's debatable. Faust certainly isn't better than Yuzna's other films like Society but Faust wasn't bad at all despite the fact that it's deranged and dumb beyond all hell. It has a somewhat original and neat conception, some good make up design and special effects, Faust character looked neat, some weird $#!+ and fun gory action. However, apart from Jeffery Combs, the acting was abysmal, the story was incomprehensible, the sexual innuendo was not needed unless your a loser and has some pacing issues. Plus, the last twenty minutes or so starts to lose its luster because the action tends to get less intense and more stupid and everything becomes chaotic and moronic simultaneously. Crackheads might like it. People who like bizarre crap might like it. And that's about it.

La plus longue nuit du diable

Supernatural Horror With Purgatory References
Some tourists arrive at a castle for some stupid reason and are being maligned by some evil broad. The first hour of Devil's Nightmare is just tedious boring sluggish garbage. It just drags on with meaningless lesbian sex, dialogue and other crap. But when the hour mark hits, it does get better because I like violence. It makes me happy wappy. I also like the Dante's Purgatory reference in this as well but unfortunately that and the violence is not enough to salvage this Euro balls. Slow pacing ruins what could've been....... a movie I guess.

Tie jia wu di Ma Li Ya

A Robot I Would.....bzzzzz.....
Some evil organization called Hero Gang (???) wants to conquer China by using Pioneer robots (I think) and a group of sissies must stop them. I Love Maria is a somewhat enjoyable sci fi action movie. I liked the action, robot designs, the cyberpunk elements were medium-high and Sally Yeh does an excellent job as a robot. Of course, as with HK movies of this nature, the comedic elements are a downfall. I prefer my HK movies to be dark and hateful so up yours. Plus the story was ridiculously stupid and most of the characters were unlikable. And I would like a lot more blood!!!! Urgh! In the end... The pros I mentioned were enough to keep me fat and happy like a mongoloid.

Gang Wars

In My Head Your Story Is Fantastic
Some demon travels from China to New York City to get an ancient Chinese amulet from some white guy who thinks he is a black guy and a kung fu soul brutha must stop it. Now I haven't seen too many blaxploitation movies but this has to be the most incompetently made blaxploitation movie ever. The dialogue is just idiotic to a tee. The editing is sloppier than a cesspool particularly the last scene when this guy was making a joke and the credits just suddenly cut him off as if to say "I just don't care anymore". The fight choreography was just the worst as you can clearly see that these guys were not making contact at all and missing each other by two feet. And I don't get why a Chinese guy would fight a soul brutha with a samurai sword bare handed. Ugh! The acting was horrendous..... I can go all day. This is the best ####ing movie ever I don't care what you think. Aargh! Yes, despite the trashy wacky incomprehensible crap and the aforementioned flaws, Devil's Express entertainment value is enormous.

The Elephant Man

Useless Opinion #390
Okay. Let's make this perfectly clear. If an elephant screws a human woman, the woman will die. Why? It will crush her loins to death. Comprehend? Goooood. The Elephant Man is touching movie and all that garbage. It's not David Lynch's usual style which Is surrealism and complexity as it's more straightforward and is sort of shot like a 1950s movie. It does have surreal moments but they are very minimal. I like this one because it shows that despite being so hideous and so un####able a freak can still be just as normal in both character and looks. And the elephant coerced coitus scene was funny. Dumbo got his freak on. Yo yo yo.

Sheborg Massacre

The True Face Of Today's Feminism
Can I really enjoy this...... thing for what it is and ignore its delusional man hating philosophy? I have no freaking clue. All I know is these broads need something shoved up inside something so that normalcy can at least diminish their psychosis. Sheborg was meh! I like the costume design of Sheborg and some of the action was good but this movie obviously was made for misandrous communists. I mean, the scenes showing men getting pulverized looks so deliberate, sadistic and carnal simultaneously, it's like these repulsive and unattractive women get off on this. Too bad they are delusional when it comes to biology but that's why we have movies. It helps to fulfill a fantasy that can never come to fruition. Among other things, the story was stupid, pacing inconsistent and so forth. Not the worse independent movie ever but it is dumb.

Nemesis 5: The New Model

No One Can Appreciate The Simple Things In Life Like Smelling A Flower
After two plus decades without a Nemesis movie we finally got one here. And it's about time! Thank God because I was planning on killing myself if another one didn't come to fruition. Nemesis 5 has everything: ugly actors, CGI so bad even a blind man can perceive it, horrible acting, cheesy EBM soundtrack, abysmal action sequences, excruciatingly slow pacing and meaningless fillers and, the cherry on top, one of the worst anticlimactic endings of all time. And, of course, it has a political message involving communism battling fascism which is mentally deficient. Anyways, I can't keep up the charade. This movie sucked and is nowhere near as good as the first three Nemesis movies but I will say this; it was better than Nemesis 4. So there's a plus. You might get a chuckle out of this one but this is the Hindenburg times infinity. For maniacal and desperate completists at the very best.


Muscular Meenz
Some guys brother gets paralyzed after fighting a Thai fighter and vows revenge. Why does Van Damme like making love with cameras? Not to sound discriminatory to paraphernaliacs but sheesh! Grow up. Or at least "make love" to a rubber dolly. Anyways, Kickboxer is a mediocre Van Damme movie. The training sequence took up too much of the movie, Van Damme's camera fetish is annoying (YES! We all know your butt is tight! God!), the story works but is bland, none of the characters are interesting except the evil Thai fighter and blah blah blah! I did enjoy the final fight sequence as it was dark and brutal and choreographed nicely but it doesn't help. Kickboxer is average at best.

Rawhead Rex

Silly Fun. Can't Think Of A Better Title
Some priest summons a demon so he can get p#$$ed on, I think. I can see why Clive Barker hated Rawhead Rex. The demon is absolutely stupid looking. I understand low budget but at least make him look more scary and less like a rampaging mongoloid. Well, despite this, the movie is still entertaining with some R rated gore, good pacing, fun monster action and some wacky crap. If you like crappy looking monsters and $#!+ that would make a crackhead look normal this is a descent time killer


At Least She Spared The Horses
Firestarter is about some guy and some girl with pyrokinesis on the run from a shadow organization or something. I'm sort of ambivalent with this one. I feel this should of been a 90 minute action sci fi movie because certain scenes just drag on and some scenes are redundant. 115 minutes is just too long for a movie like this. Still it does have a some great things going for it like the girl frying and fricasseeing some b#+ches, some good characterization and acting and a descent story. Because of these aforementioned pros I gave it a 7/10 but honestly it deserves a 6 because it moves like old people screwing so cry me a river.

¿Quién puede matar a un niño?

Who Could Kill A Malignant Little Punk?
A couple travels to an island to only discover a bunch of stupid brats are killing adults for no reason. I did not expect this movie to be any good when I saw the Mondo Macabro Blu-ray but the title alone intrigued me so f#ck it. Well, it exceeded my expectations. It's a very well shot movie with nigh flawless horror elements with some unforgettable scenes that is horrifying, bloody and very controversial. It also has a great story and a human element that questions ones motives as to whether these malevolent little $#!+heads are worth killing. My only complaint is the enigma on why these kids are little pricks. Then again that is debatable because perhaps the mystique surrounding these brats insanity is best left unanswered because it makes the horror the more sweeter. Highly recommended.


A Happy Fun Train Wreck
Alright. So apparently Brawl Busters is South Korean movie that looks like a Chinese kung fu movie. Okay, I guess. Well, if you enjoy choppy editing, s#!++y effects, dreadful picture quality, incomprehensible if not incoherent plotline and horrid English dubbing then this, my home skillets, IS the movie for you. It certainly is for me because I like this sort of thing. Screw authenticity. Aside from the aforementioned "flaws", Brawl Busters also has a ton of action including a wide variety of melee weapon combat and Taekwondo crap but the choreography was silly as s#!+. A lot of the effects that accommodate the action is hilariously bad like some woman flinging toilet paper at someone's head and spinning him around and all that. Brawl Busters is entertaining even though it's poorly made.

Boss Nigger

Best Intro Song Ever.
Two bounty hunters roll into town to claim a bounty on some guy named Jed. Boss N#gger is a hybrid of western and blaxploitation which is an odd combination. Soul music in a western. Sheesh! I enjoyed this one because of its political incorrectness, Fred Williamson, action and some of its clever dialogue. However, Boss N#gger suffers from a bland story, some pacing issues and it's lacking intentional comedic tone. It's funny, yes, but for all the wrong reasons. It sucks movies like this are hardly ever made anymore because of social justice stupidity and pseudo self righteous narcissists but whatever. I love this movie because it offends these liberal parasites.

Gojira-Minira-Gabara: Oru kaijû daishingeki

Wac Wah! Wac Wah!
Some brat is bullied and hates pollution so he decides to visit Monster Island in his dreams to look for Godzilla..... ugh! Whatever. You know, even as an 8 year old I had the intelligence to know how stupid All Monsters Attack is so I'm thankful for that. Pity those who thought otherwise. This is the worst Godzilla film ever made and I could care less if this movie was intended for kids. The brat protagonist was annoying as often these kids are in monster flicks. His death metal vocals over the happy Japanese music in the beginning was funny, though. Most of the monster fights where stock footage taken from Son Of Godzilla and Ebirah, Horror Of The Deep. Any original footage involves a new monster Gabara who is some bumpy skinned cat monster who is supposed to be an alternate version of the brats bully...... Whatever. You know what? I had enough. All Monsters Attack may appeal to acid and potheads at best. Otherwise, it is massively calamitous and is worse than cancer.

House II: The Second Story

A Happy PG 13 Horror Movie. Yay.
A childhood film of mine and, boy, has it aged poorly. Last time I saw this was when I was 13 years old and I can't recall this movie being this lighthearted and fruity. I don't think I could really consider this a horror movie as it acts more like a children's fantasy/adventure hybrid. Ugh. I might've like this movie when I was younger but now it is just a stupid family-friendly piece of doo doo. My hand was on my face half of the time because I was so embarrassed watching this thing (BY MYSELF). The caterpillar dog, the buzzard, its extremely poor attempt at humor, that unwanted unneeded undesired doofy looking electrician (what was the point of this moron)....... oh the list can go on for days. Granted, the film did get better when the evil cowboy arrived and the tone got a little more serious but no chance in hell did his presence help this movie. Not one freakin' iota. No longer will I be watching House 2 because I will kill myself if I do.

Jigoku no banken: akai megane

Very Very Very Very Very Boring!!
I agree with the negatives. Red Spectacles is a self indulged, boring, meaningless piece of crap. It's like you keep thinking it's gonna unveil something very important for us to assimilate but as the movie goes on it just gets more and more meaningless and stupid. They say "Red Spectacles is intellectual". I don't see it. As far as I'm concerned, intelligence is devoid with this one. You'll be greeted with a cool action sequence but the rest the movie is a surreal yet long winded nothingness with no character development, no action, no intelligence, no thought-provoking anything and the humor sucks. For pseudo-intellects only. And I look forward to my 0 of 100 approval rating for this review with happiness and glee.

Wai dor lei ah yat ho

Has Its Moments
Some broad decides to kill random people in a building complex so she can drive down the value and live there. Is Dream Home really a slasher? It's debatable. If anything, I would say it's a social commentary slasher movie to the effect of movies like Maniac or Driller Killer because the killer is the main character and not the victims. Friday The 13? Pssh. Don't be stupid. If that were the case then this would not be a slasher movie. Anyways, Dream Home is okay. The gory murders were pretty exciting and very brutal. The story and pacing came together quite nicely. The acting was good. However, I felt this film took itself way too seriously which is always been an issue for me with HK movies made from 2001 to now. And I hated how the movie ended because a certain piece of garbage survived. Should of been stabbed in the throat. I am completely unsympathetic to this skanky character and if you felt sympathy and empathy toward the worthlessness of this character, die in a fire. Happy smiles.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

I Hate Myself
I will readily admit that I have lost all credibility as a human being and a film lover because, yes, I liked Mortal Kombat Annihilation. My reason for liking this movie is that it reminds me of poorly made wacky left field Hong Kong action movies made in between 80s and mid 90s. It also reminds me of a couple of crappy movies I like; one being Black Mask 2: City Of Masks and the other Manborg. Anyways, yes, this movie has crappy CGI, horrible acting, a brain-dead story, piss poor dialogue and some of the characters look retarded. Guess what? I love this movie for the all these reasons. Plus some of the settings are pretty nifty looking and that martial arts action was actually pretty good. Yes, tell me I like to deep throat floppy donkey ding dong. I don't care. Mortal Kombat Annihilation is great.

TC 2000

Fighting And More Fighting And ...... That's It
TC 2000 is about a bunch of bad guys doing bad things and then there's a ton of fighting. That's about it. Yes the movie's plot is thinner than my pecker but if you like a lots and lots and lots and lots of martial arts action then TC 2000 is for you. For me I liked the way the characters looked and most the fight choreography was good I mean there are some questionable fighting that looks gay but all-around good. Kinda reminds me of the videogame Streets Of Rage. However I was a little disappointed with this cyborgs because they didn't look like cyborgs at all ( if that was what they were going for with the characters). The cyberpunk elements were a bit weak and I wish the violence was more bloodier but that's just me being cynical and bitter. It's far from great but overall I enjoyed it.

Blind Date

An Epic Thriller
Blind Date is a great film. It is filled with fun excitement with a story about some blind guy with some kind of sonar abilities trying to find a serial killer. I. Could. Hardly. Contain. Myself. Argh. And the pacing was perfect. It was 106 minutes that felt like 30 years. Just non stop greatness, here. Now I have to go back to special ed school. Nyuh!


Tragedy On Course
If you can surpass some of the crappiest acting in human history, the annoying brat that makes retarded noises, some questionable editing, disjointed story, slightly sluggish pacing and embarrassingly painful dialogue Gunhed is a pretty good movie. What make this movie stand out is its impressive set design, costumes, action and effects and does make up for the aforementioned flaws. But in the long run, I could only really recommend this movie to people who are fanatical cyberpunk enthusiasts because this movie is a train wreck. I hate kids.

Deadbeat at Dawn

Street Gangs And Gore
I have got to say: Deadbeat By Dawn is one of the most impressive independent films I've ever seen. What impressed me the most was the last 10 or 15 minutes of the film. The carnage, the brutality and crazy fights just blows away anything that any of those CGI crap bag movies of today has ever done. I'm not kidding. It was intense. Aside from the gory violence and some great action sequences, the acting, though not SPECTACULAR, Is actually pretty decent. The story was straightforward and unoriginal but it worked. My complaints are few and insignificant. The editing is bad, the film is shot in full-screen and the audio was a bit crappy. Low production value could be considerable but this is an independent film so it is forgiven. Even with its gay and $#!++y production value, Deadbeat By Dawn is highly recommended.

Jingi naki tatakai

Angry People Yelling And Killing
I'm reviewing the entire Battles Without Honor And Humanity series 1-5 because I'm too fat and lazy to do them individually. Every one of these movies has the same concept: situations, meetings, yelling, bloodshed killings, every time a Yakuza leader dies they post it on screen, newspapers clippings, weird incomprehensible anticlimactic endings (well sort of)..... It all repeats itself with every film. I suppose that can all be forgiven because you can probably considered this series an entire film which is how I'm taking it. The main reason why I like these movies is because nothing beats seeing a bunch of Japanese people yelling and cursing at each other and chopping at each other with samurai swords and shooting each other with guns! It's bad and funny as hell at the same time! As far as the stories are concerned they are written well but for some weird reason I have a very difficult time trying to keep up with Japanese storytelling. It gets a little too complex from time to time. I highly recommend this films for those who have an interest in yakuza culture and all that crap.

Gojira vs. Mosura

I Really Hate Mothra.
Godzilla has another one of his hissy fits while some monster called Battra is running around for some reason and Mothra must stop them both. Mothra is a piece of garbage. I really hate this monster. First he battles Battra and loses and then Godzilla comes to save his sorry @$$ and he decides to betray Godzilla to defend Battra. I hope one day someone makes a movie where Godzilla repeatedly stomps Mothras head to death. Anyways this is a pretty good Godzilla movie. The monster fights were good, Battra is actually a pretty cool monster but, seriously, I wish they would stop implementing Mothra into all these Godzilla movies. He is a horrible, crappy, useless monster.

Gojira tai Mosura tai Mekagojira: Tôkyô S.O.S.

I Hate Mothra
Godzilla Tokyo S.O.S. is about Godzilla attacking Japan and so forth. Again Godzilla gets robbed by those two insufferable worms. The only satisfaction I will get out of this whole endeavor is the fact that Godzilla killed Mothra by incinerating her with his projectile weapon but I wish to God that he would step on those stupid worms until they became nothing but mush. Anyways, I enjoyed the monster action but the story and acting was just ridiculously idiotic but that's expected.

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