nsanehops

Being an optimist, I walked into Pirates 3 expecting a proper adjustment to be made from the second installment, and a picture that followed what worked in the original. Instead, the film expanded upon everything that I detested in the sequel. I squirmed in my seat for nearly three hours, desperately clinging to every mildly funny one-liner—the only source of relief from the torturous boredom.

The fact that I say "boredom" is rather ironic considering Pirates 3 is nothing but frenetic stimulation. But my senses took in all they could handle in the first hour before they just seemed to shut off involuntarily.

One perpetrator is the bombastic score—unyielding, and punctuating absolutely every dramatic moment with piercing, orchestral emphasis.

While the acting is at least competent, the script dictated that almost every moment of dialogue be treated as a revelation of the highest order. Characters rattled on with grave seriousness about mystical secrets, fearful creatures, and budding betrayals. It seemed inspired by The Lord of the Rings, minus universal themes, a moral compass, and a plot that anyone cares about.

I might have cared about plot if it wasn't so overly complex and often incomprehensible. Part of the problem, not unlike X-Men 3, was the juggling of too many characters. Even with a running time approaching three hours, there is no time for real character development. With so many talented actors fighting for screen time, Gore Verbinski continually bounces from one to the next just so we remember who's in the film.

On the upside are the fantastic special effects, meticulous and impressive art direction, and well-crafted (albeit totally unrealistic) action pieces.

But the story problems simply sucked out the joy from any of these cinematic pleasures. After about the fifteenth double-cross (and having lost track of allegiances in the first place) I felt like screaming "I don't care!" and running out of the theater like a deranged 8 year-old girl.