selfdestructo

Yeah, yeah. Bad remakes are a dime a dozen, but sue me, I actually LIKE Eli Roth, especially his straight-up horror. Why was I embarrassed throughout this movie, from start to finish?

I have to assume this character and part were out of Keanu Reeves' comfort zone. While I commend Reeves for braving it, at the same time, this is such a colossally poor performance. It's like he's acting under duress. Someone's got a gun off-camera, repeatedly urging him to ACT! The godawful writing is not helping him, but this is easily the worst performance I've seen him give. Then again, if you're a fan of unintentional laughs, Keanu provides. Oh yeah, check out his DJ skills! How hip.

Aw, who am I kidding? This whole movie is miscast! The young ladies bring nothing, except brattiness. Yes, Ana De Armas is drop-dead gorgeous, and you not only see her naked, but there's an up-the-skirt shot as well (yes, I take note of these things). But putting pretty people in your movie does not necessarily guarantee you a good film. And it took three guys to write this tripe (based on an already existing premise).

Roth based his movie on his love for Death Game (1977). The references and parallels to that movie are pretty incessant, only, you know, worse. There's one reference, featured prominently, then brought up again at the end, IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, that refers to Death Game's ORIGINAL, unfilmed ending! Like, it won't even make sense to most people, it's on for a preposterous amount of time, and the only people who know it watched the Grindhouse Blu-ray extras, or are familiar with the history of the movie. Whoops, wasted a paragraph on that. My point is supposed to be, Knock Knock is not even a smart or clever (or subtle) remake. Much of it is blatant plagiarism, only this one has no point!

I highly recommend Death Game, and if you're into pure exploitation, its predecessor is Little Miss Innocence (1973). Neither are masterpieces (Roth would disagree), but they're sure as hell better written, and certainly better acted (Death Game has nice cinematography too). What's funny is, Little Miss Innocence stars porn actors, and directed by a porn director! All outperforming the actors, writers, and director of Knock Knock. You heard me.

There's an alternate ending on the Blu-ray, listed under deleted scenes, yet seemingly filmed well after production (I'm not even sure they got the same actresses), that's a reference to... John Wick! This would've made a great stinger. Especially considering this turkey ends on a bad joke. I love it when bad movies resort to referring to much, much better ones.

I recognized 4 names as producers, from Death Game, on Knock Knock. Like, why? Was Roth owed favors? Did they read the script? Colleen Camp appears in the movie briefly.

I'd consider Deadstream to be a pretty niche movie. Your level of enjoyment hinges on a number of things. I'm not here to tell you I hate found footage, so this sucks. Or I don't like horror-comedies, so this sucks. Or, worse still, "This wasn't even horror!" So it sucks. Let me just say, this is a comedy, with horror elements, a parody of social media "influencers," found footage (though not in the truest sense), and extremely meta. Our main character is very aware of every horror and paranormal trope... and he's scared to death of them! And this is where the fun begins.

Husband and wife filmmaking team Joseph and Vanessa Winter knock it out of the park with their with their debut foray, on a tiny budget. This is exceptionally well-made, edited, written, acted, and conceived "found footage." Full disclosure: I'm a big fan of effective FF, genuine scares and surprises, as well as wacky ideas. Deadstream is right up my alley.

First of all, played to obnoxious perfection by Joseph Winter, is Shawn, a YouTuber who livestreams his stunts (trying to face his seemingly vast array of fears), complete with running comments from all his skeptic fans and haters. I thought he was hilarious, and full of priceless, panicky one-liners. So, considering Winter, essentially, has the task of carrying the film's 88-minute running time; If you don't like his character (think Chris Elliott's Panicky Guy from old classic 80's Letterman, for an entire film), you won't like this movie.

So Shawn, trying to get back into his audience's good graces, agrees to stay locked inside a haunted house for an entire evening ... after being disgraced by paying a bum to fight him, and putting the guy in the hospital! Also, being snuck over the Mexican border in the trunk of a muscle car, driven by two Mexican/Hispanics...

This has all the hallmarks of found footage, and paranormal TV shows. Yet it's being streamed live, so not really "lost." He enters a supposedly haunted and abandoned house (a creepy, though slightly limited location), and sets up his security cameras to capture anything out of the ordinary. I can't give away anything more, There are some genuine scares... and each one of them is a freaking RIOT (again, more of a comedy).

There's a great twist in here as well, that the filmmakers sort of lull you into. And if you don't pick up on it the first time, you'll notice a few examples of foreshadowing on a repeat viewing. Other things I found clever; Normally FF is done to dead silence, or a device (Paranormal Activity actually started a soundtrack trend). The Winters circumvent this altogether, by having Shawn bring his own Halloween electronic mixtape, with a song for each mood! (music: also by Joseph). There's a great sequence where Shawn straps a camera to a fallen demon with a cleaver lodged in its skull... knowing full well, it'll be back. I thought Deadstream was a blast. And accomplished, especially given how green its filmmakers are.

If you liked this movie, definitely check out the Winters' segment in V/H/S 99 (and skip everything else). It was the single best segment that series had produced since V/H/S 2! Also filmed in Utah, as was this.

One thing I've learned from Quentin Dupieux's films, is it's best to go into them totally cold. I knew nothing of Incredible But True, other than it was a Dipeoux creation, and that Arrow Video saw fit to give it a proper Blu-ray release. That's enough for me, knowing his movies carry a totally left-field level of bizarre intrigue. The first movie of his that I saw was Rubber, and I knew I had to see a movie about a killer tire, but at the same time, I would have liked to have known less! And it was still full of WTF surprises, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Ultimately, Incredible But True is about two couples drifting apart... under Dupieux's trademark fantastical plot elements. Of which... I can't go into. One circumstance is particularly hilarious, yet both situations, though surreal, are steeped in the reality of the human condition. This movie has elements of comedy, drama, sci-fi, and fantasy, leaning heavily on all of them, at times. Dialogue is particularly strong, which is something I always enjoy (spoken French, subtitled). Strong performances from all four main actors (oh yeah, the realtor as well), apparently very well-known in France.

The one complaint I have of this film is the final act. I'm not sure why Dupieux leans on brevity in his films. I get that (possibly) he's trying the audience's patience on (possibly) absurd gimmicks. I don't know if he actually feels that way, but I really felt the final act was needlessly carried out in a narrative shorthand. It's a (very) long montage that plays out what happens to the four main characters, and I honestly thought he could've fleshed out this portion of the film properly, to go from an abbreviated 75-minute running time, to a full-length 90-95 minute proper film. Though it concludes on both hands amusingly and poignantly (...and bizarrely), I couldn't help but feel cheated. I felt like I was dropped off a cliff when the credits came up, and had to immediately reevaluate. Not that there was a cliffhanger, or he didn't follow the story through, but you're left with an extended rapid-fire montage that abruptly ends, to process.

I would still highly recommend Incredible But True, as this filmmaker is a true original, with intriguingly out-there ideas, and a proficiency for crackling dialogue. I just disagreed with what he did with the concluding portion of the plot, leaving me a little baffled (and when I should actually be baffled by his oddball concepts!).

While by no means any better story-wise than the previous two crapfests in this series, Viral and 94, I will give V/H/S 99 this: They pretty much nailed the late 90's aesthetic, in a variety of ways. That's not to say these stories suck any less (save for one... same case with 94, with "The Subject"), but they did get a lot of period details correct.

This one, for some reason, seems to have a running theme of bullying outcasts. I'll point them out.

The wraparound "story" is not a story at all this time around, just some kid's stop-animation army man movie that got taped over, which is amusing enough, I guess. It's really a non-factor for me, considering how lame they've been in the previous two installments.

"Shredding" written & directed by Maggie Levin.

Ok, V/H/S 99 comes storming out the gate with... a dull thud. Corporate punk posers R. A. C. K. (an acronym made from each band members first name... I can't make this s#!t up), wants to play a gig in a sub-sub-sub basement of a burned-out, condemned building where corporate punk posers B!#ch Cat played their last gig... only to be trampled to death by their own fans trying to escape the blaze.

First of all, I detest corporate punk, of which the late 90's were rife with. Yet, they got the music right... Yet, I had to endure it. I suppose that evens out, though it is kind of a lose/lose.

So, this band likes to BULLY their drummer, because he is sensitive to disturbing the spirits in the building. As a prank, the band breaks into the condemned building, hauls his entire drum kit down God knows how many flights of stairs, and set it all up on the dead band's stage. Har-har. So, somehow, some way, they all plug in and play an ELECTRIC song. Do these filmmakers want me to believe they actually hauled a freaking GENERATOR down there after the drums? Puh-leeze. Drummer splits, rest of band fills rubber sex dolls with jello and tramples them(!), spirits get angry, etc., etc.

"Suicide Bid" written & directed by Johannes Roberts.

Lily is an OUTCAST freshman at college who decides to apply to only one sorority, risking becoming... more of an outcast? So, naturally, the sorority sisters BULLY her into a hazing ritual, one where Lily is buried alive into a coffin in a graveyard. So, urban legend has it, another pledge did this same stunt 20 years prior, was promptly forgotten about, and her body vanished. You can break out your water paints and your paint-by-numbers horror books, and guess how this all plays out. Even the "twist" ending! Yeah, she's drowning... and still filming.

There is one detail I really liked in this segment. The sorority girls leave Lily a string, leading to a bell outside for her to ring, if she can't take anymore. They also give her a little box to open before she rings, as a sign of faith and strength to get her through. This was really well-done.

"Ozzy's Dungeon" co-written directed by Flying Lotus.

Donna makes it onto a Nickelodeon-esque game show, the prize being a wish granted for whatever her heart desires. Her wish is to get her poor family out of the ghettos of Detroit. Only during one of the stunts, her competitor gruesomely breaks her leg backward, committing Donna to a wheelchair.

Turns out, Ozzy's Dungeon AND the prize are for real, and this is the point where the segment gets real interesting, as well as being more in the spirit of what I think of as the "good" V/H/S movies. The stop-animation, wish-granting creature that "bursts" onto the scene is wild, and one of this film's highlights.

"The Gawkers" co-written and directed by Tyler MacIntyre.

CGI Medusa. Teenager Brady is BULLIED by his brother Dylan, takes his camera in order for he and his buddies to act like complete frat boy-type dopes, and film it. They soon discover a beautiful blonde has moved in across the street, and turn all their attention and juvenile remarks to her. Brady befriends her and agrees to help her with her computer. Dylan and his Limp Bizkit Crew BULLY Brady into installing a spy cam while he's there.

Turns out she's a mythological creature, blah, blah, blah.

"To Hell and Back" written and directed by Vanessa & Joseph Winter.

Alright, now we're talking! I'm going to hesitate a high-percentage guess, and say this husband and wife filmmaking team from Utah are BIG fans of the first two V/H/S films. This segment fully captures the chaos, panic, direction, theme, scares, surprises, uncertainty, and abrupt twist ending that made those first two films so great. I feel like this is hands-down the best segment the series has produced since Part 2.

First of all, this segment has an actual new millennium/stroke of midnight theme, involving a witch's coven performing a sacrificial ritual, where one of their own volunteers to be a vessel for a demon. Naturally, things go awry, and another nefarious demon shows up, and takes the two hapless videographers, Nate and Troy, hired to document the ritual, straight to Hell! There they meet and befriend a tortured soul named Mabel, who kind of steals the segment, to guide and help(?) them. You spend the entire duration in Hell questioning her motives and alliances. I'll leave it at that.

This duos attention to detail, story, timing, and camerawork is unparalleled in this movie. If you haven't checked it out already, watch their debut film Deadstream, it is stupendous, and actually got them this gig after another filmmaker had to back out. You will see some familiar faces.

Watch the Comic Con panel DVD extra, if you dare. On hand are producer Josh Goldbloom, plus filmmakers Tyler MacIntyre, and Vanessa & Joseph Winter. Not only does the producer constantly drop f-bombs, but he repeatedly states that he was worried the Winters' contribution would be the V/H/S series' "shark jumping" segment(!). I get that he might be apprehensive about including "green" filmmakers, but is he so delusional to not realize this series has already jumped the shark many, many times over? Including in this very movie! I was insulted, I can't imagine how Vanessa and Joseph felt. Rookies or not, watch all their BtS stuff on both movies, and you will see they are total pros, and work very hard at their craft.

I seem to be on this steady stream of the most pointless sequels ever made. And yes, Santet 2 is a definite qualifier.

This movie is the EXACT same story found in Santet 1, once removed. As in, everyone who died in the original, has a relative (or mentor or whatever) show up in their place, in order to wash, rinse, and repeat.

So, Katemi (Suzzanna) hasn't moved on since the bonkers chaos that preceded. No, she's still living in the same remote Indonesian fishing village, shunned by society. She's putting away laundry, and the mentor of her mentor (could've been the same actress, though I'm not sure), who turned her to black magic and murder, shows up in her standing closet(!). She wants revenge on the cleric's son (see a pattern here?), who killed her apprentice Nyi Angker... by blowing her up with his faith in God! Spoiler: EXACT same ending here, apparently THIS Nyi forgot her powers of black magic, as the two of them engage in an incredibly bad kung fu battle. Anyway, the mentor of Katemi's mentor cursed Katemi to turn into a tiger every night, so, maybe one night(?), or whenever, it seems, she'll kill the dead cleric's son. Sorry, I can't remember this character's name offhand.

I'll tell you what DID change in this sequel. Tone and focus. Instead of focusing on Katemi's story, apparently South Asian audiences couldn't get enough of the "comic relief," unfunnyman Bokir (as Bakir), one of the village chief's security officers, now the main focus. And it's bad and it's uninteresting and it's tiresome. He is OTT wacky, which in turn, makes the film's tone, for lack of a better term, out of whack. I'm probably insulting an Indonesian national treasure here, but I will say FTR Suzzanna is great in these pictures, and I know she was hugely popular.

If you're looking for more sinister black magic, or a sadistic mobster who runs the village (and murders in broad daylight with no repercussions, while the chief sits in his hut), look elsewhere! Oh, wait. They brought in Bisman's SON, same actor! Same age! Same unforgettable face! Same fate! I was under the impression the actor was wearing makeup. Now I'm not so sure. Have a look around at the male portion of this cast.

Even the vile gore was cut back about 90%. The tiger shots are half stock footage, half stuffed animal! Ok, these scenes are genuinely amusing.

As for Katemi's backseat story, she turns up here and there. Her tiger attacks are limited to mutilating a farmer's goat, mutilating some fresh remains, she gets the basement-level subplot's "bad guy," and at the end attacks (in both stock footage and stuffed animal forms) the cleric's powerful son, with his unfettered faith in an invisible entity. She blow'd up real good! If the tiger actually killed townspeople, as it says in IMDb's synopsis, then I was asleep for those. What's left? Naturally Katemi's got to marry this guy, and pronto. Yup, the village chief steps in and says they gotta get married, and worship God. There was an implied inkling of attraction in the first movie, NOTHING in this one. Married? I'm not even gonna ask why.

OK, arranged marriage, local beliefs and superstitions, different culture, etc. Etc. Frankly, I think more of this stuff applies to the first movie, especially the beliefs and happenings during that period of Indonesian history. At the very least, it makes for unique cinematic experiences, and a glimpse into a country not exactly prolific in the movie business.

Sentet, the original, is a wild spectacle. I would recommend that, and skip this altogether.

Personal bias: I love body-swappers, going all the way back to the original Freaky Friday, to the more recent, guilty pleasure Vince Vaughn horror farce, "Freaky." Suitable Flesh is... an adapted H. P. Lovecraft story, minus any slime and/or tentacles.

Heather Graham is great in this lead role as Elizabeth, a sympathetic therapist-slash-possessed entity (that apparently goes both ways). I've always liked director Joe Lynch, he did my favorite Wrong Turn sequel, amongst other wackiness, and Barbara Crampton is a given (still a looker, to boot). While there is absolutely some fun to be had with this premise, I had a Hell of a lot of issues with it.

A psych session of Dr. Derby (Graham) is rudely interrupted by a panicked young man, Asa (Judah Lewis, grossly miscast), with cursed daddy-demon issues. I actually thought exposition was low on details, but the body-swapping entity seems intent to possess newer, younger (and healthier) blood, but good luck killing him off! In at least two of Graham's expositions (to herself!), she states after 3 swaps, the host becomes permanent. Forgive me if I've overlooked a plot device here, but the swapping goes on til the very end. And not exactly with a lot of surprises.

Gripe Dept.: Everything about this movie, or at least the first half, screams TV Movie of the Week (save for gore, swearing, and Graham's suh-weet body - Also see: Boogie Nights, for a real eyeful). Aesthetics, production, cinematography, soap opera score, it's all there. Especially considering Lynch's niche in horror, I found this choice baffling. A brooding, original score, I feel, would have gone a longer way to set a more proper kind of a mood for a horror movie such as this. Melodramatic TV movie of the week would be my LAST choice!

I couldn't get past a number of plot holes. When Asa first shows up, his cell phone keeps ringing, from the person he's running away from. Instead of shutting it off, he eventually caves and not only answers it, but gives his father ample time to recite the incantation to possess him! This sequence makes exactly zero sense, other than as a convenient device to forward the plot. Ok, there's an uber-minimum security hospital (at Miskatonic University) where we first meet Elizabeth, a facility severe enough to have padded cells, and keep patients in strait jackets. Halls are empty! Gunshots are fired, to... no response! Also, I'm pretty sure multiple personalities is psychologically its own thing now, and not associated with schizophrenia.

All that aside, I had a look at the extras, and most of what I didn't like is confronted. First, composer Steve Moore has 14 minutes to explain himself (with the adoration of Lynch on the opposite side of the screen). He was naming all the right references, is a one-man orchestra, then came a bomb: One of his biggest influences was Jerry Goldsmith(!), and erotic thrillers of the 90's. Lynch agreed. There were characters with their own themes, as well, which went over my head. Personally, I hate melodramatic, sappy, and string-heavy scores in my horror movies, but if they were trying to evoke old erotic thrillers, so be it.

I liked that the script was penned by former Stuart Gordon collaborator Dennis Paoli (Re-Animator, From Beyond), and was fully intended by Lynch and producer/actress Barbara Crampton to exist in that Gordon/Lovecraft universe. As a matter of fact, to pay homage to it in a whole variety of ways. First director Lynch rattles off as an influence is De Palma. I remember the signature split-screen homage, there may have even been a split diopter shot, but my eye was not keen to anything else. I think down the road, I owe Suitable Flesh a fresh look. I still think this movie's strength hinges upon a handful of strong performances, and the body-swapping device is always fun, but ultimately my expectations (don't have expectations!) were thrown for a loop.

Are you looking for an intriguing story, originality, crackling dialogue, great characters, cleverness, and/or tension? Then GO AWAY! I'm sure there's an audience for La Petite Mort, namely hardcore gore-hounds, but man oh man, a little effort could be made in other areas creatively. To the writer/director's credit, he openly admits his sole focus was to create as-gruesome-as-possible special effects, and everything else kind of falls by the wayside. Also, goes so far to say he primarily makes "torture porn," straight-up. Of which this movie absolutely qualifies.

Ok, I'll point out the good first. The setting. Perfect setting for (most of) a grimy, disgusting torture porn flick, where, well, insert key plot of Hostel right about here. The primary three characters are traveling for vacation, get sidetracked in Frankfurt, Germany, where they inexplicably stumble into a dank and filthy REAL German (presumably) fetish sex club/dungeon (cue entire bar to stop what they're doing to stare at their newly-arrived guests). Also, they roped goremeister Olaf Ittenbach in to handle special effects. So, they are effectively graphic, disgusting, and OTT. Let me tell you, have a gander at the 50-minute behind the scenes extra. Not only am I always surprised how light the atmosphere is on a production like this is, but I have to give kudos to the male "victim"/actor (Andreas Pape) who gets his eye gouged out, amongst other things. On a no-budget ($5000) German gore flick, I wouldn't go anywhere near that knife to the eye gag. None of it! Just to hazard a guess, this actor got between $100 and NOTHING for his performance in the film. The knife effects, along with the gushes of blood, look uncomfortable, AND scary as s#!t! Admittedly, the results are spectacular in the completed film. I dunno, the daughters of the owner show up in hot fetish outfits? That's all I got.

Ugh, alright, what remains is literally nothing. Right away, this dialogue took me right out of the movie. There's maybe a 20-minute set-up, and it doesn't get any better when baddie Madame Fabienne (Manoush), shows up to, er, chew the scenery? This movie does deliver on perverse, depraved graphic violence, but I generally like a little more meat on the bone, so to speak. An interesting character with half his face burned off (Thomas Kercmar) appears as a paying customer, but I was a bit sidelined by how on-the-nose this sequence was to Hostel.

The final 10 minutes (well, that includes credits) really threw me for a loop. First of all, how anyone could live through the positively brutal torture doled out is completely unrealistic, but on top of that, seemingly solely for plot contrivances' sake, an up-til-then unforeseen GUN is introduced! It all felt tacked on, and filmed at a later date. Like, by the time they had forgotten they actually killed off the final tourist.

Ah, the prologue... I'd be remiss if I didn't bring this up. From the tired book of horror tropes, La Petite Mort purports to be based on a true story, AND names have been changed to protect the innocent. Of course this information is followed by characters subjected to pure exploitation and graphic bloodshed. Like, why bother?

I found every aspect of this ill-conceived "sequel" to be inferior to the original. And the first one was no great shakes.

One knock I had against La Petite Mort 1 was that there was no story. But something transpired... I guess. Part 2 has no story whatsoever. It's done in the form of a promotional DVD(!), to gather potential clients, and give an idea of what kind of shenanigans they're up to there. Oooh, behind-the-scenes footage is included as a bonus! I recommend just watching the original if you want to find out (or better still, watch Hostel), as it's just a carbon copy of the paying customer's scene with the burnt-up face in part 1 (which itself is a carbon copy of Hostel)... done for 83 minutes! Honestly, I could've eaten a box of Alpha Bits, and crapped a better idea for a follow-up.

In part 1, the Madame and her daughter flee to another country, leaving a trail of carnage behind. So... this filmmaker's idea of a joke (presumably), is that the Madame sold the very same dump to an extremely pompous and self-indulgent (at least that's the way his never-ending scenes play out), gender-confused man, who utilizes it for the EXACT SAME PURPOSE. It's even got the same sign outside! One would assume Germany has police, government officials, detectives? Do I even need to say more? This premise is complete and utter nonsense. Why not put an "Under new management" sign outside? It's no less ludicrous than everything else they're feeding me, and I'd at least get a laugh out of it.

Ok, so who cares about any of this, right? You came for the gore. Let me tell you, this travesty gave me a whole new respect for Olaf Ittenbach. Effects here are handled by uber-hack Ryan Nicholson. They are primarily sub-par AND transparent! Obviously Unearthed has all the faith in the world in him. Seemingly half their catalog carries his name, and this is just my own personal opinion, but I defy you to find a single redeeming quality in any of his movies (er, at least of all I've seen... I'm not a freaking masochist). Pay attention to his dialogue, if possible. Hey, more power to him. Keep churning out turds, someone out there is buying them.

I've gone well off track, but ultimately I found La Petite Mort 2 to be one of the most unnecessary sequels I've ever seen. It's got mostly ineffective torture scenes (after torture scene, after torture scene...), interspersed with people doing nothing, saying nothing... and you're not invested or interested in any of them, because there's zero story or character development! I could not say "hard pass" any harder. Nothing in this film made me squirm, cringe, or feel slightly uncomfortable. And part 1 DID.

A group of young college students take an incredibly ill-advised "field trip" to some remote village in Yugoslavia (in the mid-80's, when the film was made, no word on a revolution, though). Apparently their teacher is eager for them to witness some pagan ritual. Parents? Don't care. Save for Beverly's Serbian-speaking mom, who is encouraging. Seems the locals have a sinister ulterior motive for Beverly, who sports a rather large, ridiculous birthmark, a mark all-too familiar to the overseas residents. The rest of the students? "Expendable."

I found a lot to like about Beyond the Door III. The framework story intrigued me (albeit being familiar, as is the case with most Italian-produced horror/exploitation flicks). I own a grand total of two Serbian movies, and they're both F-ed up and vile. So anything else involving the country would pique my interest. And this movie does conjure some creepy imagery. Cinematography is beautiful, shot in 2.40:1 widescreen. Set design. Looks great for a low budget movie, gore effects are primarily spectacular. There are a number of harrowing stunts, that (mostly) the amateur American actors, I'm sure, were strong armed into doing - ones involving fire, and a possessed/cursed, and very real, train. It's got a hideous witch. What can go wrong? I'll tell you.

The center piece of this film is the runaway train they board, after an attempt by the villagers to kill all the kids en masse while they slept (Beverly held separate with her roommate, the witch). So, yeah, a large chunk of this movie takes place on the seemingly stopless train (spoiler: enter a bunch of shotgun shell gunpowder!). This sequence is endless (original title: Amok Train), punctuated with the occasional offing of each student. I suppose if you're into action movies with a runaway train (such as, oh, say, Runaway Train... only, including the cheapest miniature shots), you might enjoy some of the train mayhem. I was literally falling asleep.

Not that I'm one to quibble about technical deficiencies on a low budget, AND ambitious, movie. But I will say the myriad of miniature shots are jarring, compared to the quality of the rest of the movie.

The stinger twist (there's a more significant one prior), is about one of the most tired horror twists you can conjure. Yet there IS dumb fun to be had, and as far as American-Italian-Yugoslavian co-production Satan's baby movies go, well... is this it? Overall, it ain't bad, if you can appreciate what this unholy union accomplished.

The VS Blu-ray features three interviews with key players, most notably, excellent discussions with writer/director Jeff Kwitny and actor Bo Svenson (playing Satan's go-between). They've both got some fascinating insight. There is also a brief talk with cinematographer Adolfo Bartoli, who speaks in a thick Italian accent (so listen close!). His final words on the project are hilarious, and I'm not saying he's wrong.

And, that makes up about half of Night of Fear. I will say, this movie has "distractions," as in, it's stylishly filmed, creates its own atmosphere, and my Umbrella Blu-ray has some nice color and clarity. That's all I can say for it. First of all, it was meant to be an Australian TV pilot, clocking in at 53 minutes. You'd think brevity would be on the side of something so incredibly primitive, straightforward, and flat-out uneventful. Nope, it is a slog through 7 minutes shy of an hour! Writer and director Terry Bourke tries in vain to artificially manufacture tension (as the killer hobbles around on his leg brace), when, pardon the pun, there's no meat on the bone.

So, here's where all the annoyances come into play. Score, sound design (there is no dialogue), and editing especially grated my nerves. What a jarring score. I mentioned artificially trying to create tension. Suspect number one. Not to mention, the score keeps you awake when there's no tension to be found for miles! They didn't even know where to put this stuff!

The editing cuts both ways. Sequences go on for an eternity. Also, fast-paced MTV-style cuts! (in 1973). Bear in mind, Night of Fear is as basic, and basically told, killer-hillbilly-in-the-woods "tale" as you're likely going to find. To sum up, none of it works.

Oh, I didn't do a synopsis. Let's see, I think I covered it! Killer hillbilly chases women through the woods. Oh, he likes rats. Yeah, that's it.

Whether or not it's a landmark Australian horror/exploitation film, I don't care. It looks good, but frankly, offers absolutely nothing to sink your teeth into.

Full disclosure: After watching 50 minutes, I shut off Eat Brains Love because it failed to hold my attention. I finish every movie I watch, no matter how bad, so tonight I completed it, and re-watched the opening 50.

Ok, I LOVED Idle Hands, this movie has that same director. And I'll watch anything with zombies. Red flag: This movie actually boasts that it's a zom-rom-com. Please. Name me ONE good zom-rom-com from the last 3 decades. Think about it. WRONG! They all suck. And if you said "Warm Bodies," shame on you.

That being said, I was just not interested in any of the characters, or their friends. ESPECIALLY the two leads. I mean, come on. Dumb stoner/vaper meets popular cheerleader, discover they're both zombies, go on a road trip together, fall in love, AND, this being the 2000-whatevers, they're... ETHICAL zombies. I could not have crapped a crappier premise.

So they're hunted by this zombie task force, who want the zombies alive so they can use them for such things as a government zombie defense force. *YAWN* Seen it. By far, the most interesting character is the female psychic zombie hunter. Unfortunately, she's got a crush on the cute boy zombie they're pursuing, so that gets all mushy.

There is sporadic fun to be had along the way. As far as romantic zombie movies go, this one at least earns its R rating. You got blood and gore, swearing, adult themes, er, male nudity, if that floats your boat (2019 called), stuff actually found in a real horror movie. The ball-ripping/feasting scene is a riot!

I'm giving this movie a generous 5. I'd rank it higher, if say, it had interesting, and not stereotypical characters, and a more original premise. Then again, I'm asking the filmmakers to re-write AND re-cast this boner!! Who am I kidding?

I can't stop without mentioning the ending. It is as much of a non-ending as non-endings get, which spells... SEQUEL. Another horror movie sin, unless you're some iconic franchise. That's, how many sins? I dunno, I lost track. (The biggest one = Boring).

I am definitely drawn to movies with a unique premise. Butt Boy plays out fairly unconventionally, too, and its super-absurd story unravels in a serious tone (occasionally punctuated by quirky characters). With all that said, I would think this is a movie for a very select audience. It's so off-kilter, and tonally all over the place, that I thought aspects of it worked against itself. To say it's lowbrow and ridiculous (and serious!) is an understatement.

Brow-beaten and depressed young dad Chip, forced into marriage by an unplanned pregnancy, needs his first prostate exam. Which seems to go on far too long. Subsequently, Chip takes a real liking to sticking things in his butt. Before the credits roll, he has graduated from remote control, to small pet dog, to stranger's baby!

Cut to 9 years later, and Chip is an AA sponsor (is his addiction sticking things up his butt? The alcoholism aspect is not explored). Upon his first meeting, (extremely) grizzled Detective Fox is assigned Chip as his sponsor. Fox is researching a missing child case, and becomes real weary of Chip, for a variety of reasons.

I did enjoy Detective Fox's (Tyler Rice) performance, but really, really had an issue on the other side of the screen, with co-writer/director (Tyler Cornack, ok, I think we've met our quota of Tyler's. Wait, there's ANOTHER one?!) casting himself in the starring title role. He exudes exactly ZERO charisma or personality. And I mean, I get it, he's supposed to be a schlub (married inexplicably to a gorgeous woman (Shelby Dash) for a decade, who doesn't even like him), but he is played as such a non-character, I couldn't help but think they could've gotten a more interesting performance from someone off the street. If you're giving yourself a vanity role, at least make some effort.

Also, the ending! One half total nonsense, one half contrived Hollywood cop out... Which flies in the face of the critic's quote in the trailer, which says something along the lines of "Flies in the face of Hollywood conventions"!! (referring to the movie itself). Ah... critics.

Let me be up front about this; Deep Space marks the FIFTH horror or killer movie in a row that I've watched with a cop drama element. If it's one thing I hate in a horror movie, it's a police procedural plot or subplot. This is interesting maybe 1 in 10 times. So, forgive me if my score got skewed to reflect my experience, but in my defense, this movie's got it's share of other problems.

First of all, I'd like to argue that none of Deep Space takes place in deep space. At all! No, this movie's about two cops, and the old stand-by, the government experiment superweapon, you know, cops want it dead, the government and scientists want it preserved. You heard me. I groaned when I heard this premise. There are cops, lots of cops, lead cop's (Charles Napier, at least nibbling the scenery) partner (Ron Glass) gets killed by a plastic creature... fortunately Napier's girl is also a cop. That's convenient. "Superweapon" spawns two baby superweapons, which cross Alien and The Thing... as does this entire flick.

I've gotten off track. The biological weapon in question is being developed on some satellite... which takes two hours to crash to Earth. How far into "deep space" is 2 hours? I'm guessing, not very. Creature effects are limited to puppets, plastic models pulled on fishing line, and a guy (or guys) in a rubber suit.

I guess I should point out this is a Fred Olen Ray picture, and one done for a major studio, no less! This surprised the hell out of me, I dunno, maybe he did more, but I've always known him as an indie exploitation filmmaker. I saw his name, and thought, At least there will be nudity! Boy was I ever wrong.

On the other hand, I was NOT taken by surprise that this was a 100% wholly unoriginal studio picture. I can't think of a single thing to recommend about this movie, outside of Napier's gruff exterior? His bagpipe skills... provided by a synthesizer? I'm grasping at straws here. Oh, side note, Julie Newmar appears as a psychic, er, tipping off the police, probably filmed in another state, and impacting the plot in precisely NO way.

Yup, cops fighting puppets and a guy in a rubber suit, with a government conspiracy biological weapon subplot (that actually gets forgotten), stealing liberally from Alien and The Thing, AND put out by MGM in 1988? I don't know how many producers lost money on this trash, but I don't feel bad for them.

Wow, did this movie ever suck. First of all, congratulations to the maker of the trailer for making a sap out of me. What was presented as a raunchy teen sex comedy of yesteryear, goes from comedy, abruptly to serious, sappy, sad, ugly, obnoxious, and predictable. What you've got is a 30-ish minute raunchy comedy, nestled inside an hour and 45 of SOMETHING I'm not even positive how to qualify. The majority of what's actually funny in this movie can be found in the trailer, which is a far cry from what No Hard Feelings actually offers.

Let me clarify that I have no issues with its premise, one that so many reviewers found offensive, simply because it's a throwback to the sex comedies of the 80's and 90's (and 00's), where they'd push the envelope of tastelessness. Is a rich teen introvert's parent's hiring of a 32-year old woman, to break him out of his shell, and take his virginity in exchange for a car an offensive premise? YES, and that's the idea!! And NO, of course, this would not get made if the roles were reversed. Again, that's the idea. It's both PC and un-PC in the year 2023. (I dunno, give Weird Science some thought for a minute). I take far more umbrage with the fact that they were too chicken$#!t to follow through with the retro premise. This gets soft and gooey by the end of the first act. No Hard Feelings' greatest sin: It's ultimately a bore.

I found Jennifer Lawrence to be funny, sporadically, through the first 30 minutes, but when you get down to it, pretty much every character appearing is unlikeable and reprehensible. Modern movie trope. I particularly hated the kid, who went from mousy introverted agoraphobic geek, to a rather easily outward personality and suave musician, to the completely obnoxious, spoiled, entitled, selfish rich kid he actually is. Generated zero sympathy from me, and I'd advise the writers of this tripe to go back and look at some John Hughes movies. (Coincidently, a scraggly Matthew Broderick appears as one of the kid's wayward parents, who essentially hires him a hooker).

I also found the portrayal of the Jennifer Lawrence character kind of insulting. In many instances, much is made of her age, like she's some sort of freak (see: the Princeton party scene, where she is gawked at by everyone like her hair is on fire). 32 is also not "middle-aged"! Not saying this premise is "acceptable," or that she herself isn't totally misguided, but she is still very much a youthful-looking and beautiful young woman. Not the old hag she is portrayed as. Also, she is considered by numerous characters as a "loser" for living in her home town for the duration of her life. I couldn't make sense of this, especially the way this flick pans out.

For what is billed as a raunchy sex comedy, and devolves into a completely uninteresting goop-fest, I could find no discernible message in the end. Like, I wasn't given what was represented in the preview, and I'm assuming the makers of this film wanted to convey these characters "grew" as people... which is super dubious.

SPOILER: Kid gets wind of his parent's plot to get him laid, has a meltdown, forces his parents to sit down and be yelled at and talked down to. JLaw gets her life together... somehow... wants to reconcile with the brat, he wants none of it. How else can this end? They make up, are all buddy-buddy, and JLaw adopts the cocaine dog (ooh, hilarious!). They eventually go their separate ways (er, somber road trip sequel/sidebar?), spoiled obnoxious rich kid to Princeton, and JLaw to... California! To... bartend and drive an drive an Uber?

So, the kid stood up to his parents, JLaw moved somewhere... happier? Is that what I'm supposed to get out of this? It was a pretty pointless exercise in futility, if you ask me. One extra star for Jennifer Lawrence's brief comedic performance.

Yeah, 2023 came calling, and gave us a BORING Evil Dead movie.

For the record, I'm a fan of all the Evil Dead incarnations that have preceded this. And, I'm sure I'm in the minority, but that includes the 2013 reboot. As far as modern reboots go, I thought it turned out as good as it could, considering. It WAS a modern re-telling (minus the humor), but paralleled well enough with ED1 (and bits of 2) without being a blatant ripoff, operating in its own universe. The references were just right. And it was gory as all get-out! Plus the lead actress playing Mia (Jane Levy) was phenomenal.

Evil Dead Rise doesn't have an original, creative, subtle, character-developed, intriguing, sympathetic bone in its body. Let me clarify. I didn't care about (or wasn't given a reason to) a single character in this whole picture. It's obvious from the get-go (well, after the get-go) who the final girl will be. I'm assuming the filmmakers want us to feel her pain, but fat chance on that. She is the bane of her sister's existence, and tours with a band as a guitar tech (ok), and... got pregnant. No, any artificial sympathies lie with her sister's youngest daughter, playing the stereotypical helpless youngster (think Newt in Aliens, yeah I said it) who is the smartest cookie in the room, gets herself into some mortal peril (only to be rescued, WHEW!, at the last moment), and, well, possesses (see what I did there?) zero personality, backstory, or for that matter, acting prowess. She is the token cute little blonde girl, to (presumably) tug at your heartstrings. Nice try.

The guy who wrote and directed this, has no eye for a nod, a reference, or an homage. Most nods to the franchise are either directly stolen (so, really, just being used), or are obviously wedged in, because he had no idea how to incorporate them into the story, or are "modernized" (in a retro way!), for today's hip, new, and now audience! (You know what I'm talking about). Other stuff is blatantly stolen from other movies! The shot of the lobby and elevator, and the gushing blood, I LOL-ed how blatant of a ripoff this scene was. Oh, this guy also saw The Thing.

So, reboots (and sequels alike) are generally populated with references to previous efforts. To me, that's half the fun. Acknowledging better movies! So when this writer (I can't be bothered to learn his name) quotes this universe, yes, it's word-for-word! How fun. Let's see, there happens to be a shotgun on the ground in the hallway. That's a no-brainer, grab it! Both creative and subtle! Look at me, I'm Ash! Want more? There happens to be a chainsaw on a truck (threatening to behead the little girl. Oh my!). Also a giant wood chipper. In a horror movie? Where is that going? (For a hilarious take on this horror trope, watch Scare Package). Wait. An industrial wood chipper is sitting in the basement garage of a high-rise apartment complex. What is wrong with this picture? Talk about a plot contrivance.

Oh yeah, this insanely mundane story. Pregnant roadie visits her estranged sister, and her three dopey kids, in a high-rise apartment building. Oh, this takes the cake. Her lone son is a wannabe DJ, complete with his own elaborate turntable and gear setup (Watch him work his magic! I'm sure he's real popular with the neighbors). So this dufus discovers an old record(!) with recordings of a priest, recounting tales of the Necronomicon (or the old book, in this movie), which is done in all the ED movies, only they did this one with A RECORD. By a child DJ. Wow! So dumb kid unleashes the deadites, and Mom is the first to succumb. They lock her in a room, and she spends the bulk of this picture screaming, and mugging for the camera. Uh, then she gets out. People succumb and die throughout the building, or chase our two obvious survivors. This reminded me more of a zombie movie, rather than an Evil Dead installment. Yet, this movie's greatest crime is that it's a colossal yawner.

Almost forgot about the pointless (I ain't whistling dixie, it has absolutely no bearing on the plot or characters) wraparound story. The entire pre-credit sequence takes place one day prior to the movie. And in the opening act, you're treated to, I-don't-know-how-many digital effects. I'm like, what an inauspicious opening. The ending sequence does nothing more than explain how the young woman got infected. And she just walked through all that carnage?! Yep, another dimwit. Byeeee!

I feel like Full Moon and Charles Band are really hitting rock bottom here... and that's saying something!

First of all, this is hardly a "movie," clocking in at 49 minutes (and WOW did I have a problem staying awake). It consists of "host" segments with the titular Barbie and Kendra, but the remainder of the, er, film is old movie footage (two movies senselessly spliced together) that is dubbed with more, er, hip and current dialogue. I realize other movies and shows have experimented with this technique, but I couldn't help but be reminded of the infinitely superior, clever, intelligent, and FUNNY minds behind MST3K and Rifftrax. They don't flat-out dub movies like this does, but the structure of Barbie & Kendra Storm Area 51 are eerily reminiscent of something previously done much, much, much better. That fact may or may not have factored in to my white hot hatred of this rather short foray.

I didn't find one second of this "movie" even mildly amusing. Worse still, one of the movies they dub is some grade-Z sci-fi skin flick, where I was SUPER curious what was actually being said! The dialogue presented was, frankly, insulting.

After watching the first 5 minutes of the two stars/hosts of this hot mess act like morons, I literally said out loud, Do these chicks get naked? (They don't). They are totally insufferable, but only appear sporadically to annoy you. Problem is, IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER! Maybe someone younger (and dumber) would find something of amusement. The running time alone shows a lack of commitment. Jeez, at least take the sleazy sci-fi movie, and run with it. In the other movie they dub an "Alexa" character, which is as dumb as it sounds.

And there are like ten scenes that would qualify! Literally, show me an envelope of money, and I'll agree to ANYTHING, sight unseen. I'm out... (Walks away). Two seconds later... Alright, let's do this. The guy who gets caught after the heist folds like a pyramid of cards, spills all the beans, with the promise of "I can't promise you anything!," by some crooked no-good cop.

This might be the dumbest idea for a heist movie I've ever seen, and I try to watch them all. "Mastermind" assembles 5 blind guys, with axes to grind, to rob a bank of millions of dollars. Why is it a brilliant idea to hire and train 5 blind men? YA GOT ME. They give a couple reasons in the movie. 1. Who would suspect it?! (Only the people in the bank don't realize they're blind?! Ok, scratch that one), and 2. The robbers can't identify who is pulling the strings (Watch the movie, and discover this point is moot as well). What you've got is an original idea, problem is, it makes no sense. And judging by the fate of the criminals, it's a colossally dumb idea.

Considering the diversity, characteristics, the fact that they're in a foreign country, AND the number of people present for the robbery, you'd ASSUME these guys would be highly recognizeable. No, they question... ONE witness. And the, uh, brains behind the operation uses his real name and ID leaving the country. Everyone else stupidly seals their own fates. What a buncha maroons.

I know, I know, I'm missing the point. This is a prime, albeit idiotic, slice of 70's grindhouse (er, Rated R, only I can't think of anything to push it beyond a 1976/78 PG), replete with print flaws, bad dubbing, Grade-A 70's grindhouse soundtrack, and starring... exploitation icon Fred Williamson?! Hmm, he's top-billed, is the focus of the international trailer, and, wait for it (I mean really WAIT), yeah, he pops up in the closing 11 minutes. He follows a perp around, and hides clearly in plain sight (I mentioned criminals sealing their own fates). He chases, gets in one brief fight, pulls out a bent cigar for laughs, THE END. #1 billing!

Blind Rage is dumb, clunky, slow, and low-rent enough to make for a great Rifftrax treatment.

Oh, this one hurt. Then again, if you're a fan of unintentional laughs, all the horror represented is LOL funny. The rest is a total annoyance.

Don't Look At the Demon (yup, just a line in the movie) suffers from a completely incompetent script. The two guys who wrote this: Please stop. From creating plot holes with nonsensical information, to every character having absolutely nothing to say, it is brutal to sit through. Literally, characters are interchangeable, as none of them say anything in a remotely interesting way. Even key supernatural plot points are met with matter-of-fact blandness. Watch a Tarantino movie! Sheesh. One character has a personality. And it's a bad one.

Characters go: Jules, the troubled medium, who you CAN spot a mile away, because you've seen Fiona Dourif in a dozen other things. The rest of the cast is rounded out by a number of interchangeable guys with beards, the baby-faced member of the television show production, who gets possessed by the demon... and couldn't pull off menacing if he was covered in blood, boils, maggots, and melted into a pile of goo (all other "scares" prior to the possession are strictly loud jump scares), an Asian woman and a monk with unintelligible accents, then there's the vanilla pregnant wife, who's being haunted. There is an abundance of ear-splitting screaming, causing reaches for the remote.

So, Jules, as a child, had the ability to contact the dead. And, we run into trouble right away with the plot. What haunts Jules 20 years later, is the fact (or so it seems) that a demon possessed and killed her younger sister. Redundant flashbacks punctuate the entire duration of the film. The demon says she killed her sister. The only logic I can conjure is, Jules is subsequently possessed under the bed, in the final flashback. Blink and you miss it?! Frankly, I was too fried to rewind. Worse, Jules recounts the story as: My sister had a crush on a boy who died, we contacted him, and he wouldn't go away. Soooo, key plot point. Not made abundantly clear.

At another point, recounting the same story, Jules says ever since that incident, she has lost the ability to contact the dead. Yet she's the star of an apparently EXTREMELY successful paranormal TV show. Say what, writers?! Worse still... After watching the monk give an agonizingly painful, and mandatory, back tattoo (where the woman throws up slime and nails?), gives Jules a medallion to regain her abilities during their trip (not revealed 'til the end). This is a rather egregious blunder. She even stated, regarding her show, she 'Might as well use (her) powers to make money.' Which is it?

So the TV show and its star medium are out touring Asia(!), and Jules' technique for weeding out the fakes from the truly haunted, involves her being able to "mystically" take a quick glance at... emails?! WTF. She spots a live one, watches the couple's video message to her (two Americans living in Malaysia), and all they do is gush about what big fans of the show they are, and to "Please help (them)." Direct quote. Yup, it's plain to see. This couple's in mortal danger!

You got: Manufactured, out-of-the-blue couple's drama, multiple dummy walls axed down, leading to hidden rooms, and crunchy fetus eating. I'm under the impression these filmmakers were trying to meld paranormal TV shows, demon possession, and Japanese shock cinema, a la Takashi Miike (certainly along the lines of his outrageous Masters of Horror installment). Pretty much a failure on all fronts. I mean, Dourif broods it up, and there are laughs due to sheer incompetence. Two stars.

SPOILER I'm left to assume somehow the demon they've, er, traced to Malaysia is the same demon from Jules' childhood in America. Four hours away from where she regained her abilities. Break out your highest tolerance for suspension of disbelief!

Yep, Unwelcome is unusual, does not always follow your average character archetypes, and seamlessly mixes a fair number of genres. No surprise to me the score is almost exactly split down the middle. Do something different, and audiences who love familiarity (there's a lot of 'em, they power the box office) will revolt (look at all those 1's!). I actually LIKE to be surprised with a movie (gasp!), and I seem to gravitate to all the "divisives."

Unwelcome seemingly has it all. It is overflowing with colorful characters, there is a major arc with one of the main characters (the pregnant couple are both introduced as pacifists), there are home invasions, fish out of water, a tight-knit community of crazy locals, terrifying situations/real life horror, folklore, creatures, fairy tale atmosphere, an almost unbearable ratcheting of tension, a wicked sense of humor, great cinematography, murder and mayhem, blood and guts, and... you get to see the bowels of the goblins' lair! Most low budget horror would only tease you (not to say this movie doesn't tease you, but there is a payoff, and this movie has plenty of 'em).

Jamie has a run-in with some local street toughs, in front of a convenience store near where he lives in London, and returns home to his pregnant wife, Maya. Turns out the thugs followed him home, and what follows is an incredibly harrowing home invasion. Cut to, just about 9 months later, and Jamie has inherited a beautiful, but rather run down home in rural Ireland, from his dead aunt. The only catch is, they have to appease the local pack of goblins, living in the woods of their backyard (and where caretaker Maeve warns the couple to stay out of), with a slice of liver every night. As if that weren't enough, the couple hires a psychotic local family to repair their home.

You can't help but feel for Maya and Jamie, as things seem to do nothing but spiral out of control, admittedly sometimes at the hands of their own naivety, or a lack of caring, or as a result of full-blown stress! Eventually (wait for it), you are treated to the first appearance of a Redcap (goblin), and this scene might be my favorite in the whole movie. It is a freaking hoot. You see the shadow of his tiny hand reach for the handle of their back door. He brings Maya a horrifying gift, and implies he wants something in return. There's actually a whole mess of Redcaps, absolutely hilarious on one hand, yet terrifying in their actions. Maya's curiosity gets the best of her, and comes calling for their help on more than one occasion. The forbidden forest and the Redcaps' stone lair are gorgeous. The scenes located here are downright fairytale-esque.

Unwelcome had me howling with laughter, through both dark humor and sheer delight. You know how it's going to end, yet even that takes a weird and wild turn. The Redcaps are my favorite modern horror creature creation since, well, all the creatures dreamed up in Psycho Goreman. If you are adventurous with your horror (and a bit whimsical), I can't recommend this one highly enough.

Ok, these filmmakers had ONE idea, and put that idea to film. I will give Zombeavers this: It makes no pretenses, and doesn't pretend to be something it's not. And with a name like Zombeavers, there is absolutely no room to get earnest. You're either along for the ride, or not.

Oddly enough, my absolute favorite aspect of this movie is Bill Burr and John Mayer, as truck drivers carrying toxic waste, and their hilarious, and obviously improvised, conversations.

Truck hits a deer, a barrel full of green toxic sludge falls off, and rolls into the creek. It travels then stops in front of a beaver dam, cracks open a la Return of the Living Dead, and, well, there you have it.

You got your usual assortment of mostly-despicable teens (and a dog) as zombeaver fodder. Kids are vacationing in a cabin at a lake. One guy in particular, you wait for it, because you KNOW he's going to go in a gruesome and painful manner. You know who.

Fortunately, this movie has a wicked sense of humor, because there ain't much else here. I mean they didn't even try on rounding out the story, or writing an original premise. It not only runs very short (77 minutes), but commits the mortal sin of showing about 3 minutes of pre-credit bloopers.

It could be argued this movie has absolutely nothing to do with witches. And it says "witches" right in the title! I thought, Scream Factory and witches, there's a winning combo. Boy was I wrong.

This movie does nothing but grow more and more ridiculous with every scene, starting around midway, until it's a crescendo of ridiculousness. Everybody who leaves the vehicle wanders into the woods. Ridiculous. Two deaths by ski pole. Ridiculous. Can we have one horror movie set in the woods, NOT have a bear trap? This movie's from 2019, for crying out loud. Ridiculous.

I was mystified as to why these people were together on a trip. All kinds of relationship drama, PLUS a subplot where one of the girls was gang raped, possibly involving people in the same vehicle! Typical of modern horror, no attention to detail. And talk about a lame, nothing of an ending. They didn't even try.

I will begrudgingly give Witches in the Woods a few minor things, because I want to stay positive, right? It looks genuinely cold, and our college bickerers are freezing to death (Ontario substituting for western Massachusetts). There is one scene where you can see a face outside the frozen SUV window. That was creepy (and it lasts about 5 seconds). There's a cool establishing shot inside the car, at the beginning of the film, where we're introduced to the characters, done in one long take. Does not amount to much, unfortunately. Two stars.

Final Girl had an awesome setup, right through Truth or Dare, and an insanely disappointing, anti-climactic "hunt".

I thought this movie was fairly unusual (although the more recent Ready or Not explores similar ground). Combining horror, film noir, revenge, and an assasin, is not something I see every day. (Well, a horror premise, not so much in execution).

This was cool and stylish, with great cinematography. Not sure what decade it was supposed to be. I thought the 50's, but they were playing surf music in the car! Then again, I think they were driving a 60's car.

I did like Abigail Breslin as the kick-ass assasin, although she could've trained harder. A lot of the action was unconvincing. I'm sure the director should be blamed there, too. And, someone was a wrestling fan. FAR too many chokeholds. I'd much rather see Veronica kick those psychopath's asses.

Speaking of which, the final hunt. This is where you go overboard in a revenge flick. The kills, all of them, were downright weak. I think if this movie had gruesome kills (as well as better fighting), it could potentially be a cult movie in the future. As it stands, opportunity squandered.

Ouch, for a retro slasher loaded with T&A, this one misses the mark by a country mile.

Somehow, crowd-funded Kill Her Goats managed a 4K steelbook release? And I bought it?! Let's start with some promises made. Packaging proudly states there is no CGI used in this movie, only practical effects. Hey, there's something I can get behind! Is there a single memorable gore effect to be found in its 99-minute runtime? Sadly, NO! Ok, the packaging says that it features an unrated version on Blu-ray, plus bloopers. Oh, this must be a Doctor Sleep situation, where the uncut version appears only on the Blu-ray. No such luck, an identical version appears on both the 4K disc and Blu-ray! Hmm, no mistake here, I'm calling a bait and switch. And the bloopers? There are exactly ZERO extras between these two discs. We've got a Cannonball Run deal on the bloopers, and I can assure you, I groaned loudly when I saw them crank up. I want to appeal to all aspiring filmmakers: Stop it. Please! They got it right once.

Ok, there is ONE single extra, not advertised: ENGLISH SUBTITLES! I only point this out because for 3/4 of the movie, I couldn't hear the dialogue! And I have a great surround system with a designated dialogue channel. In this movie, it seems like you're treated as an outside observer when it comes to conversations. I wasn't even sure what was SUPPOSED to be heard! It's even useful for inaudible sound cues, described in the subtitles. In all honesty, I shouldn't even care, given what this movie attempts to say. Oh, my rear speakers were active... for all the loud jump scares, as well as loud music cues. And I haven't even touched on the movie itself, that is, if you consider utter nonsense and boobs constituting a movie.

Chick is given a historic haunted house on Cape Cod as a graduation gift... where murders took place. Wine guzzling and multiple showers (where the girls constantly cover up! ... in the shower!!) ensue. That's at least half the movie. Remnants of the fabled family exist. A fat guy with a topless woman in a tent are attacked by a goat-man with a hedge trimmer. A guy is cheating on his girl. A girl is attacked by the director in a pool of dirty water. Someone with access to goats takes some futile revenge on the house's new owner. Chick dreams she's in a graveyard. Repeatedly. Somehow, TWO men dress up as homicidal goats?! Somehow, Kane Hodder was roped in to be a homicidal goat?! Actual goat licks chick's foot. Does that cover most of it? Yes, total nonsense!!

"I had a bunch of ideas and put 'em in a movie!"

So, what am I left with? Ah, gratuitous camera shots. I can honestly say the director does not even get that right! Either he was trying (*trying*) to be artful about the nudity, or just plain incompetent, I couldn't decide which. For the sheer volume of foxy ladies that appear in this, the eroticism factor is surprisingly low. A few times the ladies get covered in blood. Ok, that's good stuff. Two stars.

NOTHING HAPPENS.

Plot goes like this: "Where's our Mommy?" / "I'm your Mommy." Literally, the sole interaction. Yup, right to the bitter end.

I had thought for years A Quiet Place was the most overrated, and insulting to its audience horror movie I've seen, but Goodnight Mommy is every shred as much of an insulting crapfest as A Quiet Place ever aspired to be. I LOVE it when critics predictably fall all over each other to heap their praises on wholly unoriginal, slightly artsy, FOREIGN claptrap horror such as this. Like, originality (or lack thereof) never even factors into their "professional" opinions!

Ok, Goodnight Mommy is a, uh, story, which hangs its hat on a big "twist." If you don't pick it up right away, maybe you've passed on dozens of others who have employed the exact same twist ending. There's one movie I'm thinking of that is quite famous, if not notorious, for employing this particular twist. And that's only half this movie's problem!

Movie has an extremely poorly written, never mind dull as hell, script. Critic's decoy: All covered up with some pretty cinematography! There are total lapses of logic, I can only chalk up to an attempt to throw you off the Twist Trail. So, ultimately these add up to being nothing more than red herrings, which is an aggravation. These writers created a world and a circumstance, and can't even follow their own rules! It's lazy filmmaking (see: A Quiet Place).

Seeing there's absolutely nothing going on in the first 80 minutes of this dumpster fire, the writers in their great wisdom throw in a plot contrivance, to end all plot contrivances. The Red Cross on a blood drive not only show up at the TV star's incredibly isolated home, BUT they let themselves in... AND feel free to wander throughout the home!! Mom is tied up with her mouth taped, unable to call for help... 'til the very last second, when, doggone it, she's a second too late! Whew! They really had me on the edge of my seat there. Those darn twins (that is, if you didn't figure the whole thing out in the opening act).

As if this weren't all enough, Goodnight Mommy devolves into full-blown torture porn! Yes, so much for the classy cinematography. Not that I have any aversions to graphic violence, but even I'm like, Why? They obviously wanted some shock value in the closing frames of this film, and frankly, I couldn't help but laugh (especially at their reunion in the hereafter). I mean, why is the dead cat in a tank of water, with the cockroach garnish, still the centerpiece of their living room?! A family burned alive in a flaming sacrificial inferno! Oh, sorry, SPOILER. The point being... The kid is sick?! Seriously, comedy gold.

No character development to speak of, really, a singular, redundant plot point to nag you with, one extremely tired plot twist, total lapses in logic (how about, answer the kid's questions?!), and uh, let's see, do it IN GERMAN to insure critics will fall for it! I don't know if I could detest a movie any more, or wish for my 100 minutes of life back.

Big mistake: I had to hear what the filmmakers had to say in the DVD extras. Big surprise, they had as much insight to pass along to me as their movie did.

First, "High Lane"(?) has a good deal of harrowing mountain climbing footage, realistic enough to make me cringe. This IFC Midnight title would've benefitted from some sort of DVD making-of extras, because no way these dumb kids were put in the degree of peril they appear to be in. Some great scenery, footage, and action. Thus ends my positive comments.

Wow. A group of high school friends fixated on one bad pop song go on a climbing expedition (or other, complete with group self-portrait!!), only to learn their destination in Croatia has been closed. Daring/bossy dufus #1 seals their fate, insisting everything's "fine," and to follow him! Character's go: Bully, 5th wheel panicky guy gets put in the most peril so you feel bad for him (or hate him, he has the hots for foxy doctor, so, there ya go), and foxy doctor has a whole series of super-redundant flashback episodes, where I guess she had a job-related mishap at the hospital. Or something. So this affects her in a way, not particularly conducive to the plot. But it's there, so the writer can go, see? I wrote substance! Oh, they round out the cast with a couple more killer-fodder characters.

It is revealed at the end of the movie, once it's gone into full-blown, too-dark Wrong Turn mode, that the mountain man killer, was a missing 5-year old?! Whether there's some connection here, which I could honestly care less, considering the movie's short supply on detail and emphasis on purposelessness, or not, went beyond me.

Watch The Descent, The Descent Part 2, the Wrong Turn franchise (skipping Declan O'Brien's trifecta of trash, when they inexplicably kept handing HIM the key). If you must see what the French were up to here, check out the first half, shut it off, and promptly throw it in the garbage. The slasher element is nonsense, a grind, and a bore, to boot. I could obviously hardly keep with it.

Ahh, the French title in place of the idiotic English title is "Vertige." Which translates to... Vertigo?!! As if they need to point out further this film's unoriginality. Go big or go home, right? Call your movie Vertigo! Jeez. What? It's foreign horror, so it's automatically good.