Welcome to MidWest Bank's helpful guide on how to use our ATM vestibules! Please follow these tips to make the most out of your cash- wanting needs!
1. We understand that the modern lifestyle leaves little time for exercise. To help you, we recommend parking your car far from our vestibule and taking a walk across the car park. We even recommend this in sub-zero temperatures.
2. Like all banks we're really only in it for profit. This means that we don't bother paying for locks on our doors. This has the handy benefit of saving you time getting in and out.
3. Stay calm within our vestibules! Our security cameras are programmed to only film violent actions and gestures. At all other times, they just don't work.
4. We only install cameras inside the vestibule. There are none outside whatsoever, so if you want to fight – please exit and we hope you win!
5. We also don't install alarms in our vestibules. The absolute only way of setting off an alarm is by activating the fire-sprinkler system. Smash our machines all you want, as there will be no alarm! Our cameras will activate however – see point 3 above.
6. We pointlessly heat our vestibules at the moment. We don't build in any insulation, so most of this heat leaves within minutes. To save costs we will probably be removing all heating soon.
7. All our vestibules are in safe areas. Please feel free to leave your cars unlocked and valuables within, including cell phones and handbags.
8. Our security guards are hired from the finest stock of fat men that couldn't pass the police exam. We realise they are stupid, so we don't arm them either. But they do get a nice company car and a decent pension.
9. We really don't want our alarm to go off, so we install the sprinkler system high up and it can only be activated by heat. There is no way a solid blunt hit will smash the bauble and release the water and sound the alarm.
10. If you withdraw the maximum of $500 in one go you will automatically be entered into our free prize draw! The prize is a stylish Parka Coat to help keep you warm in our vestibules!
Latest winners have been:
Killer of Winnipeg – he says he spends a lot of time at our vestibules and this coat has greatly improved his activity there!
Janitor of Winnipeg – he often withdraws cash at our vestibules on his way to work. Just don't mistake him for Killer!
Security Guard of Winnipeg – one of our own employees! We even emblazoned this one with SECURITY to help make him feel special!
Banker of Winnipeg – however he busted up our vestibule so we will not be sending him his coat.
Yeah, I jest, but this film is a joke. Don't bother with it. If like plenty of other people you're tempted by the trailer, you've seen all the film has to offer.