alfredpr-69611

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Reviews

The Price of Fame
(2017)

Wallowing For Ca$h
Ted Dibiase brings his shopworn tales of overcoming adultery and being guided by his dad, living a life of avarice and excess blah blah blah.

This was so pitiful in so many ways, Ted has made a living on telling his trite tales, I can't tell you how many times this shameless man has shopped his pathetically underwhelming sins around.

Him and his weepy progeny ruminate about the same stupid adultery transgressions throughout, also if you love close ups of Ted's giant squinty eyed orange face, you won't be disappointed, almost every scene is with Ted's Robert Z'dar sized cherub giant face in it. I also had an unbridled love of men weeping but even In was daunted by how much gratuitous weeping and moaning was in this mockumentary.

It was cloyingly excessive blubbering and it was uncomfortable, the braying and hawing did not engender sympathy from me, rather disgust, I saw weak men that pretended to be strong and they mewled on and on about stuff that was so innocuous.

The only parts that were good were the Super 8 home movies but they were too fleeting and sparse to make a difference..

The Price of Fame
(2017)

Wallowing For Ca$h
Ted Dibiase brings his shopworn tales of overcoming adultery and being guided by his dad, living a life of avarice and excess blah blah blah.

This was so pitiful in so many ways, Ted has made a living on telling his trite tales, I can't tell you how many times this shameless man has shopped his pathetically underwhelming sins around.

Him and his weepy progeny ruminate about the same stupid adultery transgressions throughout, also if you love close ups of Ted's giant squinty eyed orange face, you won't be disappointed, almost every scene is with Ted's Robert Z'dar sized cherub giant face in it. I also had an unbridled love of men weeping but even In was daunted by how much gratuitous weeping and moaning was in this mockumentary.

It was cloyingly excessive blubbering and it was uncomfortable, the braying and hawing did not engender sympathy from me, rather disgust, I saw weak men that pretended to be strong and they mewled on and on about stuff that was so innocuous.

The only parts that were good were the Super 8 home movies but they were too fleeting and sparse to make a difference..

Family Plot
(1976)

Family Plod
Very tedious and boring, plays like an overly long episode of Columbo and you'll be yawning like I was. Nothing exciting happens, no likeable characters, unpleasant to the end.

The Neighbor
(2017)

Gratuitously Dry and Boring
This movie is so morose and somber, no energy, no chemistry, zero ambience. The film stock looks like every other film of today; almost colorless and an opaque white hue pervades it, it really looks dry and antiseptic not like the refulgent film stocks of the 70's and 80's movies which were full of lush energetic colors.

Anyway, this movie is just garbage, the lead looks like an embalmed dead man that is being moved telepathically by an evil wizard off screen. He looks just like one of the zombies from One Dark Night. Did 90 year old Clint Eastwood dub his voice? Everything this guy says sound like dying breath voice. There is nothing endearing or indelible about this movie, it is torturous to sit through. Why was this a cinematic feature? It had no action or selling points, just basically a Lifetime movie with cussing.

The Neighbor
(2017)

Gratuitously Dry and Boring
This movie is so morose and somber, no energy, no chemistry, zero ambience. The film stock looks like every other film of today; almost colorless and an opaque white hue pervades it, it really looks dry and antiseptic not like the refulgent film stocks of the 70's and 80's movies which were full of lush energetic colors.

Anyway, this movie is just garbage, the lead looks like an embalmed dead man that is being moved telepathically by an evil wizard off screen. He looks just like one of the zombies from One Dark Night. Did 90 year old Clint Eastwood dub his voice? Everything this guy says sound like dying breath voice. There is nothing endearing or indelible about this movie, it is torturous to sit through. Why was this a cinematic feature? It had no action or selling points, just basically a Lifetime movie with cussing.

The Big Doll House
(1971)

Worst of the Women in Prison Films
This movie had great locations, but it is all wasted as the atrocious acting and dismal casting totally destroys this flick. The women look absolutely gorgeous, that's the whole problem as there is zero believability. This movie looks like they went to an elite modeling agency for the main cast even some prison guards look ravishing.

Nightmare in Badham County was a real good movie with a real feel.

This is an absurd movie.

Tales from the Darkside: The Movie
(1990)

Worst Anthology
This was one of the first things I caught when we first got cable, I believe HBO showed this crap 2-5 times a week back then. This movie is so hideously bad, no scares, no atmosphere, no talent actors, cheap monster effects, Z grade stories. I remember the one about the gargoyle and that is the most pathetic story I ever saw. It was really a parody of interracial marriage and how it invariably ends in disaster.

This movie is just garbage from beginning to end, none of the magic of Creepshow and Creepshow 2.

Street Smart
(1987)

Gritty Classic
This movie is really good, Christopher Reeve and Morgan Freeman deliver great performances in this movie. Reeve, who looks like a 70's dept store mannequin is really fun to watch as he tries to be hip and cool among the denizens of the hood.

This movie plays on the disparate lifestyles and backgrounds of Reeve's and Freeman's characters; one, white bread Ivy League preppie, the other a hardened murderous black pimp from the urban bowels. It's real cringeyness watching Reeve's obtuse character getting street lessons from the mole infested pimp as two worlds collide.

Reeve's character, totally destitute of street smarts gets his lessons and lumps quick as he experiences the brutality of the mercurial Fast Black.

Fast Black is very charismatic and there is a scene at a party where he is the center of attention and the wealthy snobby women swoon over the ogreish pimp.

This movie is like passing a deadly accident on the interstate, it's morbid fun to watch.

We get to peek into a seedy world from the safety of our home.

I don't care what anyone thinks about this movie or my review, I love this movie, it's an expedition full of great and thrilling things.

Another thing, I kept thinking of Christopher Reeve as Superman, he looked just like the innocuous Clarke, it was really strange seeing him so vulnerable, in the dystopic enclaves of the NYC ghettos, totally at the mercy of the brutish Fast Black. Reeve's tiny nose, glaring blue eyes makes him look so much more out of place in the hood.

The Creeping Flesh
(1973)

The Crapping Flesh
So much potential for a great monster amok movie but it is all wasted on a boring and trite insanity/daughter tainted by evil story. I went in expecting the giant skeleton to reanimate and strangle some villagers because it is the epicenter of the evil but the story takes a ridiculous detour.

Quality performances by the entire cast but so much good material is squandered. Another thing that bothered me was the incredibly cheap looking skeleton, it looks like it was fashioned outta General Mills' Frankenberry marshmallows.

There is a sequence where the gelatinous flesh reforms onto the marshmallow middle finger, this was spectacular and must have been painstaking to pull off, maybe the budget for the effects props was used up on that stop motion sequence.

Bloody Mama
(1970)

Bloody Poor Acting
Shelly Winters was miscast as Ma Barker, her performance was contrived and disingenuous, she sounds like a New York Jewish woman trying to sound Southern. I wish they could have gotten the sturdy Kate Murtagh or Mercedes McCambridge or even Jocelyn Brando wait! Nora Marlowe would have been perfect, she was born to play Ma.

Shelly Winters was absolutely appalling and out of her element, so was Robert De niro

Night of the Lepus
(1972)

God Awful Woof!
I saw this on TCM the other day and it was horrible. Forced perspective rabbits, ultra cheap SFX, strawberry jam blood and some shopworn leftover actors from prior tv shows round out this atrocity. There is a scene of a produce truck driver that was mauled to death by a herd of the oversized bunnies, the aftermath is so pathetic as the guy is covered in strawberry syrup and belly dancing on the ground when he's supposed to be in rigor mortis. I immediately erased this trash.

Faces of Death
(1978)

Why Did I Ruin My Life Renting This?
I meddled with forces beyond comprehension when as a totally inexperienced adolescent I rented this artifact from Hell back in 1990.

I excitedly shoved the cassette into the top load VHS player and waited for the lurid show to begin. I'm going to make it as brief as possible; I can go on into painstaking details of how I excitedly ran home, eager to satiate my morbid curiosity about horrible death, how I was transfixed by the baleful Gorgon Video animated logo.

From there I knew I was in for something morally reprehensible but I couldn't stop myself from proceeding. The opening credits splashed on over some putrid autopsy proceedings and the accompanying music was something Satan had to inspire cause it was so unnerving, I mean these bellowing chords reached into your soul. Sounded like the trumpets of Hell, hearing that and seeing the putrefying cadavers, I wanted to crawl in a hole and pull the dirt over me.

I could go on and on about how utterly violated I felt after watching a myriad of animal cruelties, inhumanities and broken stumps of meat formally human beings. I can mention the melancholy that pervaded the room, seeing the murky, blurry, creepy old timey super 8 images, deathly vibes billowed from this unearthly relic from the 70's. I can say so much more about the demonic feels blasting out from the screen but I'm going to focus on one segment that has haunted me for 30 years!

The female cyclist that was run over head first by the heavy drive wheel of the semi truck, she is simply the most revolting and gruesome dead body I ever saw and I've seen it all to this point. The grisly aftermath spectacle of this woman is truly horrible; she looks indescribable. Faces of Death would have been a distant memory if it weren't for the cyclist segment; that gruesome woman has literally haunted me everyday for 30 years.

I've seen her standing beside my bed at 3 a.m. In the same mangled aftermath state she was reduced to; she looked completely vacant, totally revolting and absolutely terrifying. This film is a bridge for the tormented souls to crossover into the threshold of the living, to torment the ones sensitive to these forces like I.

I implore others to keep away from irredeemable, soul raping death films like this, lest you want to summon a denizen of the netherworld.

From Beyond
(1986)

Beyond Garbage
How can I intimate how abysmal and worthless this movie is? This is prob the worst science fiction movie I've ever seen and I've seen the entire catalog of MST3K! The movie was just a flimsy vehicle for the worst practical special effects I've ever seen.

Aaron Loves Angela
(1975)

Aaron Loves Angela...Who Cares?!
This movie was so bad, terrible storytelling, inept acting all around, disjointed hodgepodge is the result. It seems like it was a black neighborhood play made with Goodwill workers. Tbe only redeemable thing in this entire mess was the gritty location filming of the dystopic NYC of the 70's.

Flight of the Doves
(1971)

Bore
This movie is pure simmering garbage. So much material for funny antics but it is just squandered with unfunny chases. This movie sprawls with scenes after scene of the children running from adults; give this premise to the Americans of that time and this movie would have been uproarious. This movie had nothing going.

Black Caesar
(1973)

Black Garbage
I love Blaxploitation movies, I have an impressive collection but this movie,Superfly and Black Superman are the very worst. The movie is barely coherent, destitute of action and the acting is flimsy.

Cocoon
(1985)

Cocoon, you'll Want to Crawl in One
I cant tell you how boring this movie is. I recorded it on DVR from TCM and erased it halfway through the first viewing. It was whiny old people and the worst looking aliens ever. I wish I had a dvd so I could break it.

The Rifleman: The Princess
(1962)
Episode 15, Season 4

Sappy Filler
This was one of the worst episodes, it did not come like a normal episode, it was laden down with maudlin themes of a sad girl runs away from home. The princess played by a foreign actress had one of the worst speaking voices ever, I just can't stand this actress.

Chopping Mall
(1986)

Terminator It's Not!
This movie is so bad, I can't even describe it. Chopping Mall is a nauseating hodgepodge of Dawn of the Dead, Ghostbusters, Bachelor Party, Short Circuit, Deadly Friend, Terminator, Revenge of the Nerds and more but those movies were infinitely better. It must have been made on a dare using Goodwill employees to see if a movie could be made with $137 and in 2 hrs.

The acting is atrocious and the directing is just horrendous. The characters were not at all likable, I was cheering the robots. The "stars" were just butt ugly, the girl that survives to the end is just hideous, she looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid and they dress her up like Sarah Connor from the original Terminator with the pink top, she imitates Sarah Connor right down to the limping away from the heap of burning robot. The nerd guy was dressed like the Rick Moranis character from Ghost busters. He had on the most durable wrinkle free pants on, like this whole movie was incidental and was just a big ad for the most durable wrinkle free pants this geek had on. I mean watch this movie and see how many shots of this guy's crotch and brief lines are in there, those pants had to be Dickies.

I was shouting at the screen when this movie tried to imitate Terminator, it was pure blasphemy, in Terminator; Sarah was a very sentimental character, I felt her pain and emotions, I loved her and wanted her to survive but this girl, I could care less. This movie is trash, I love 80's cheese, I have an unbridled passion for grubby practical effects but even I couldn't find anything redeeming about this. Where did Mary Woronov go? I thought she was going to be the antagonist or at least play a part in the movie, I guess even the queen of trash didn't want to stay around for this mess.

This movie should be used for attic insulation, it's crud,

Logan's Run
(1976)

Ultra Cheap FX
This movie has repugnant special effects, the enclosed cityscape is so glaringly unconvincing, it looks worse than a toy store display. The opening credits scene is just horrendous, the camera is just zooming in on a crude tabletop miniature model; you can see shadow spots of the approaching camera.

What was the director thinking as the glaringly bad toy model is shown every 3 mins. This was not cutting edge FX for 1976, it was not cutting edge for 1926! I only made it to the 30 min mark of this horrible movie, the acting was atrocious, especially from Michael York who looks like a 70's Dept store mannequin. Again, the city was prob made by Coleco or Kenner and had to be shot in a garage. Forbidden Planet predates this simmering pile of garbage by 20 years and has far superior special effects.

Mr. Bean's Holiday
(2007)

Magic is Gone insert expletive here!
This was the most laborious, unfunny expedition I ever s aw. This was a grotesque insipid nightmare of a movie, there was no charm and there was a pervasive, disagreeable dryness like eating the white segment parts of a pomegranate. The color was basically a sickly black and white with greenish tint. The life was sucked out of this series. Rowan Atkinson is now destitute of comedic ability, he made the equally appalling Johnny English. Atkinson is a very ugly man but he used his rubbery swarthy face to accentuate the comedy, this was just gratuitous close ups of his misshapen visage, raising eyebrows and superfluous failed attempts at physical comedy. Just mawkish buffoonery, that comes off trite. The magic is long gone, I just stayed with it almost to the end because of morbid curiosity, I could not believe how atrociously bland this movie was. Bean was side-splitting hilarity but this was comedy antimatter, I can not over state this point, this movie should be in the trash heaps where it belongs. This is the undeserving inheritor of the Mr. Bean fortune. Bean died a long time ago for me.

I can not over state this folks, this movie is a monumental (insert expletive) waste of film and time. Comedy demands situation, set up, this movie had none. Rowan Atkinson just thought he could romp through 90 mins performing stupid antics and he would be heralded a genius, not so! I wish I could have cuffed Atkinson in his doughy mouth for this abomination. Do not see this (insert expletive) waste of time. I felt shame for Atkinson.

Bunny O'Hare
(1971)

Horrendous Bore
I will make it short, this is an insanely boring movie. Bette Davis was washed up and hungry for a role at this point. I just could not not bring myself to care for the main characters, I was hoping a bank guard would blow the top of Bunny's head off. What a travesty.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
(2019)

Another Atrocity
Tom Hanks is diabolically miscast as Fred Rogers, Hanks doesn't look like Rogers and he certainly doesn't sound like him. Hanks sounds like he has 4 lbs of rice pudding in his mouth, he is so unnatural as Rogers. You can't help but think this is a bad actor playing someone poorly. Rogers. Bill Moseley would have been a far more believable Fred Rogers; he looks creepy enough. Hanks' voice sounds like armpit farts, and did I mention he looks like a Puerto Rican version Mr. Rogers wax figure at Madame Toussauds?

Saving Private Ryan
(1998)

Garbage
I saw this movie in the theater, it was like I was on the battlefields; the hellacious noise was deafening, the movie was barely in color, a sickly dry grey. The whole movie was a sprawling expedition into mawkishness. I can't describe how horrible and unpleasant this film really was. I was young and a conformist, so I stayed through this garbage with my fingers plugging my ears. Overrated, overbloated Hollywood trash. Saving Private Ryan should be burned. Kelly's Heroes was a real war movie.

Mean Streets
(1973)

Putrid
This is an extremely boring movie with detestable characters, it's uncomfortable to sit through and I fast forwarded a lot ⏩ The performances were amateurish, the story was disjointed and incoherent. This is the crude template for the far superior Goodfellas but it's not even watchable.

I laughed out loud 😂 😂😂 when De niro and his rat bum criminal cronies got blasted in the end; that was the only redeemable thing in this movie. The grubby parasite hoods squealing like pigs was one of the most hilarious scenes 😂😂 😂😆😆😆ever!

How this trash is regarded so highly is beyond human comprehension, fat headed cinephiles are the real criminals to exalt this garbage.

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