Highly Recommended... to approach these 150 with extreme prejudice
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- DirectorZack SnyderStarsEmily BrowningVanessa HudgensAbbie CornishA young girl institutionalized by her abusive stepfather retreats to an alternative reality as a coping strategy and envisions a plan to help her escape.I was thinking of just leaving this as blank, but no, no I can't.
For the money it wasted, for the talent it squandered, for the audacious hypocrisy of its 'message', and for the fact that Zach Synder is most likely a self-loathing narcissist and this is his gift to the world, Sucker Punch is the most irritating, patronising, alienating experience I have ever had watching a film.
This kind of bad can be only be made with a lot of money and a lot of ego. Snyder (A poor man's Luc Besson and a sad man's Michael Bay) for some reason thought he was qualified to make a commentary on the culture he himself is so deeply embedded in and is a dogmatic properganderist for. This vapid *beep* lacks the impartiality, the general ability to emote and the dissociation from his targets needed to make any credible statement upon contemporary geek culture. He is too much of the problem to make any noteworthy statement.
Dressing your actresses up as whores does not empower them as characters in your little story. Neither does pointless fantasy sequences make any tangible statement upon the societal pressures of women you utter manchild.
I did not hear, or feel, any revealing statements about the male gaze, women in geek culture or anything really that justified two hours of weightless CG and cancerous 90s film references.
Why The Blockbuster Is Dead The Movie.
Faux intellectual, inconsequential action, 1D characters, insultingly signposted plot, Sucker Punch is as desperate and principally bankrupt an auteur effort I've ever seen from a Hollywood ego.
It's cancer, it's cancer, it's cancer, and so are you if you think any different. - DirectorEd ByeStarsFiona AllenSophie ThompsonJerry O'ConnellThe Fat Slags from Viz hit the big time and become celebrities.What was I thinking? What did I expect?
One of the genuine worst films ever made was a British production, and I am truly sorry and ashamed. Now, as I've shown, there is no shortage of waste to be found on these shores, but that was mostly due to a lack of resources and/or talent.
This had some money and name(ish) stars behind it, and that as a fact is abysmal. Dolph Lundgren disowned this! Did I say I was sorry? A black hole of revenue and careers, Fat Slags probably singlehandedly killed lad culture in Britain by mere vague association.
Hedonism took a sharp decline because this film's audience took a good look at their slop and thought, hey, this is what people think we want. This is the level of entertainment they think we deserve.
Never before, and hopefully never again will a British film be made that will sink to the level of this apocalyptically bleak anti-comedy. I'd rather watch Threads again. Not even Sex Lives is this bad.
Don't, just don't, not even for curiosity, don't. - DirectorRené Cardona Jr.StarsChristopher AtkinsMichelle JohnsonSonia InfanteVanessa, a television reporter covering a story of a farmer attacked by his chickens, discovers that this is not an isolated incident...Real birds died for this nothingness.
If that wasn't enough, the pace is torturous, the direction is TV Movie at its most insipid and it's just not fun, in any way. Awful. - DirectorChris BellSteven M. SmithStarsChris BellAlan LundDanny HowardTwo best friends who go through war overseas, leave the army and become London gang bosses.Considering this list is littered with low rent UK gangland thrillers, it's quite a feat to be the top sh**ter in this list. Why? Because it's the most recent worst I've seen. This shouldn't still be happening. But then again, anyone can make a mistake, sorry, film.
The makers of this went on to produce I am Hooligan, a moderately interesting effort that is sincerely the next Clockwork Orange compared to thier previous 'effort'.
This is a late '90s student film with a good poster and nothing more. Only unlike Reckoning Day, it's devoid of any semblance of directorial vision. There was some OK scenes, but try watching the whole thing like I did and you'll understand why it's here. Too many characters, the shots have no composition, no attempts at set design and the grade may just be the worst I've seen in any film with a wide commercial release.
Hooligan's at War is a hot, cheap DV mess of failed ambition and impoverished production values. - DirectorJoseph KahnStarsJosh HutchersonShanley CaswellSpencer LockeAs a copycat killer named after movie villain Cinderhella stalks the student body at Grizzly Lake High School, a group of co-eds band together to survive while serving detention.From the visually complex, yet clustered and confusing opening credits sequence, you might be mistaken to think that you are watching a TV movie directed by Edgar Wright. Credits you might never hear of again are integrated into the sequence in oh so many desperate ways. All of this promised something vaguely passable with just OK visuals and just minutely obnoxious characters. And then they open their mouths, out sized only by their trust fund accounts.
Detention is the most intelligent film ever made and has no shame in stating that fact. Every line of dialogue, the ones that were not delivered faster than the speed of sound that is, were either an overly elaborate insult or a useless and unwelcome pop culture reference. Sophomoric genius as ever depicted upon the screen.
This film does think it's smarter than it's audience, painfully obvious this. The film has little care for structure. What was in this film that could confidently be called an attempt at storytelling played out like a series of sketches whose sole purpose was so that the most hilarious and original that the writer's have to show could be put on display for all the world to see. All that was left to do was browse Buzzfeed and Vice for an hour and hey presto, a microwave ready definitive commentary on 2010's youth is served.
This film wanted to be the new Heathers, but not only fell prey to becoming what it beheld, it went on to become the very nadir. An amalgamation of the worst 21st century pop culture had to offer up until that point. Kahn managed to create what could be the worst example of many genres, but he displays no interest here with petty things such as genre. This film had enough bile for an entire generation.
It is so vapid and so persistent, neurotically so even, with trivial observations that there is no emotional hook at all to be had and in a twist of fate, a film that so desperately wanted to be the anti-mainstream pretty much had the same attitude and amount of insight into it's subject matter, as a local news editorial.
And even if there are defences out there crying parody, could they by chance say what type of film Detention is meant to be a parody of? Is it even possible to give a specific example? Many films are mentioned, but no specific genre is focused upon. Do any of these toneless gags lead to even the most pedestrian of observations about conventions of any film genre? No. This would have required wit, intelligence, humanity. None of which this film displays.
The film focuses on nothing more than the characters who are all detestable and visual experimentation of the director, which never does not come off as uninspired or desperate. Such an apt word. Desperate. - DirectorDonald G. JacksonStarsSandra ShukerJoe EstevezConrad BrooksA teen-age girl tries to help a small, purple, jive-talking alligator escape the clutches of a greedy carnival owner as well as as an assortment of characters so he can be reunited with his owner.MAKE IT STOP
- DirectorSarjit BainsStarsManish PatelDave CourtneyJass BassiBased on the novel The Stone Shiva by Manish Patel, the movie centres on the Holy Smokes crime syndicate and the real-life $6 million Heathrow Airport robbery, involving battles with the Chinese Triads, Jamaican Yardies and the English Firm to see who rules London.A previous Courtney/Patel collaboration, you know, before they knew what they were doing?
Shot in 8 days on moderately priced consumer level cameras (and in black and white!, in POST!!!), Tria, Hardiers and onia biakees is practically an underground film, but that doesn't make it any less crap.
No acting, atrocious editing, worse comedy, only slightly less agregiously convoluted Anglo-Asian noir plot and Rollergator levels of endless loops of music. Speaking of which... - DirectorManish PatelStarsDave CourtneyJamie BannermanLucy DriveThrough flashbacks, Full English Breakfast follows the violent career of Dave Bishop (Dave Courtney) a small-time London villain who kills his way to the top of Britain's drugs empire. Now happily 'retired' on the Kent coast Dave becomes embroiled in a bloody battle of wits with Al Qaeda terrorists who want to take over his criminal empire. Adding to the old mobster's woes is his younger trophy wife (Lucy Drive) wanting to play away with his new driver (Jamie Bannerman).Despite being inspiringly shot on a Canon 5d mark II and still managing to get a wide(ish) distribution release with 101 films, Full English Breakfast still managed to drop to being 50p in Cex not two years after its release.
Claustrophobic in its cheapness, FEB is a big let down from Manish Patel's previous effort Cash and Curry. That film had some crazy s**t going on. FEB was shot in some cast member's Manor House (I wonder who?) and has a cast of talentless nobodies propping up a tired and somewhat confused Courtney as this Harold Shand impersonator, and he's not even the protagonist. Jesus Christ.
Stock SFX have never felt so painfully evident as they are here as well. The film has no energy, no resources and no real ambition. The laziest cash grab on Courtney's minute fame you could possibly imagine. This film will age you with its stillness. - DirectorJulian GilbeyStarsRoman KarpynecSaul LinklaterDominic Alan-SmithA relentlessly gritty action film, Reckoning Day takes its inspiration from modern day low-budget classics such as Evil Dead (Sam Raimi), Bad Taste (Peter Jackson) and El Mariachi (Robert Rodriguez), and gives it a uniquely British spin.There was overkill, and then there was Reckoning Day. Obnoxious and weightless in it's violence, it's everything you fear from a late 90's action film, only 10x worse.
- DirectorNick LoveStarsSean BeanDanny DyerRupert FriendA group of people who feel betrayed by their government and let down by their Police force form a modern-day outlaw posse in order to right what they see as the wrongs of society.Nick Love's worst is a deeply confused film and incredibly ugly aesthetic wise. Misanthropy and bourgeois angst reigns as (like in a previous entry) fantastical machoism meets social consciousness as they clash in most depressing and unremarkable fashion. A good performance here, a nice stylistic touch here prevents it from being in the top five, but trust me, otherwise it deserves it.
Doomsday has it gastronomics in fantasy, Outlaw has it's in reality and such makes it very miserable viewing. Facts are simplified, generalisation, tabloid fury, equal opportunities bigotry, a little self-recognition but not enough. There is no humour that works. There are no engaging characters. The grade and shaky cam are vomit inducing. It's a movie of zombies scuffling from one scene of cringeworthy tribalism to the next. Dishwater Dark. - DirectorDale ResteghiniStarsLa La AnthonyBaby ShamCaponeThe hottest underground Hip Hop group, Tha Supanatchralz, Ivory, Krumbsnatcha, Remedy, Dia, Baby Sham have a killer in their midst. Bodies are dropping all around them and nobody knows why. When Tha Supanatchralz uncover the crazed slasher is a clown, they must hunt him down. But... will they be his next victims?Urban Massacre from the first opening seconds hits you with it’s home video production values and hilariously dated late 90’s rap video direction. Garbage, garbage editing. As in no effort. Coverage is minimal and is assembled without any hint of real consideration. The acting i would call naturalistic as everyone is basically playing but themselves, but it seems themselves were lost long ago before being captured in this sad snapshot of early 2000's genre filmmaking. So everyone is just a caricature here, a joke. Reality tv shrills. Not an ounce of real personality to be seen here.
This is without a shadow of a doubt the worst slasher film I've seen so far. - DirectorNeil MarshallStarsRhona MitraBob HoskinsAlexander SiddigA futuristic action thriller where a team of people work to prevent a disaster threatening the future of the human race.For the money it wasted alone, it's offensive. The excuse that to make a commercial British film is an achievement in itself is beyond pathetic i find and only serves to remind us how unmatched British culture is to that of film.
Doomsday is just another historical example of how desolate the domestic industry is in that producing such a script could have been inspiring to anyone. Adolescent w**k fantasy that despite having cannibalism, dystopianism and knights on horseback, has no bite and everything just seems to be there for the *beep* of it. No humour, no consideration of audience's intelligence and no control whatsoever.
This would not matter so much if Doomsday wasn't such a genre cheerleader to boot. Too busy homaging established classics, it forgets to become one itself. Maybe all the sporadic elements could've synced somehow, but Doomsday's (and Neil Marshall's) sycophant nature removes it from all credibility and just makes it a pale imitator of it's heroes. - DirectorPaul TanterStarsRobert CavanahKierston WareingPeter BarrettThe rise and fall of the Essex Boys gang - the drugs, the violence and, of course, the murders. The real story is the most shocking of all.At least Retribution had a spark of imagination. The poor man's Footsoldier which for some film fans would be their worst nightmare and not without good reason. It's almost laughable (i stress almost) how much a rip off this is. Real locations or not, this would have difficulty making a footnote in any strain of British film history.
- DirectorPaul TanterStarsIan VirgoRyan WinsleyAlex EsmailTwenty years after Britain's most notorious gangland murders, the next generation of Essex Boys vie for control as revenge is sought by all sides.About as absurd and exploitative as the Essex films get. A completely fictionalized narrative based upon the real life killings, Retribution is dull, cynical and had to be gurney'd into existence.
- DirectorPaul AngunawelaStarsLeigh FrancisKelly BrookLaura AikmanKeith Lemon (Leigh Francis) is preparing to take his invention, the securipole, which he has been attempting to lift off the ground for twenty years, to a business convention in London. Meanwhile, his girlfriend Rosie (Laura Aikman) has discovered that she is pregnant, but due to Keith being away, instead confides in his best friend, Dougie (Kevin Bishop). At the convention, the securipole fails to attract any big investor attention, and back at home, an order of 1,000,000 securipoles arrives, much to Rosie and Dougie's dismay. Realising that his invention may never be successful, and that he now owes Evil Steve (Leigh Francis) a ton of money for the securipoles, Lemon decides to stay in London, and takes the advice of fellow businessman Kushvinder (Harish Patel), and accepts the gift of a new style mobile phone that Kushvinder has invented. Attempting to turn the gift into his next money-making scheme, Lemon accepts an offer to appear on David Hasselhoff's prime time television chat show, after meeting up with his guardian angel, Archimedes (Verne Troyer). At first, the phone fails to impress, but after Lemon places a sticky Lemon sweet on the back, becomes an overnight sensation. Kelly Brook is impressed with the invention, and offers Lemon an invitation to go out on a date with her. Things are finally looking up - and Lemon decides to stick at his new life, while back home, Rosie is in serious danger after being kidnapped by Evil Steve. However, Lemon's world comes crashing down when the Lemon phone is discovered to have a major technical fault, which causes the owner's mouth to sag, giving them a speech impediment. Realising that he has no choice but to go back to his old life, Lemon accepts the advice of his best friend, Dougie, but will he be able to save Rosie from the clutches of Evil Steve, and escape the media backlash that he is facing?Francis does not have anything to offer apart from being a satellite for late 2000s internet humour. And yes, the film has dated as bad as the description suggests.
The film is made up of nothing more than celebrity cameos and the extended showcase of a mediocre comedic talent.
I have seen some vanity projects in my time, but none have been more painful to watch as this one. Absolute, vacuous, crap. - DirectorTony JopiaStarsLaurence SaundersCarl ColemanElisabeth ShahlaviA Birmingham-based band are ordered by their unhappy record company to an old warehouse; the goal being to re-start their ailing careers with a kick-ass new promo video. Unfortunately the band and their entourage find themselves targets of a mysterious knife-wielding maniac, haunted by the voice of Satan, and out for revenge.Not without it's fleeting moments, but again, smug, cheap Britsploitation that thinks it's smarter than it actually is. Another depressing reminder of the state of the UK Film Charity that first (and usually one time) feature directors and writers try too hard to please everyone and create oppressively self-referential, dated and indulgent s**t that appeals to no punter, no how.
Deadtime is no different. Not near enough having the budget to match it's ambition and shot on dirt quality digital, one would have to be delusional or wastefully prurient to think that such a script could work under such conditions. If only more filmmakers saw Killer Bitch to know how to surpass said impoverished conditions, the UK commercial arena would be a much more livelier scene. - DirectorMichael CortStarsJames Robertson JusticeCharles HawtreyRobin HawdonA race of sexy women from Angvia, a planet in another dimension, comes to Earth to kidnap women to repopulate their planet.For the first (full) twenty minutes, this plays out like a TV pilot for a crap Saint knock-off with skin. Then it had the audacity after that pathetic start to have an aspiration to be the next Barbarella. No son. It don't work like that. More obnoxious Britsploitation cheapness that deserves to remain obscure. Really not worth your time.
- DirectorLeander BasannavarMichael TchoubouroffStarsSimon PhillipsDanny DyerAshlie WalkerJack is an undercover cop infiltrating a criminal gang. Things go pear-shaped when Jack's chancer pal does a runner with a box belonging to the boss and ends up in a perilous situation which threatens to explode into disaster.Just as worse as JFTR, only you can't see half of it.
- DirectorJack PerezStarsLorenzo LamasDebbie GibsonVic ChaoThe California coast is terrorized by two enormous prehistoric sea creatures as they battle each other for supremacy of the sea.Like a late period Bruno Mattei film, only without, you know that thing, entertainment. And people think Troma releases live and die on their title.
- DirectorJames NguyenStarsAlan BaghWhitney MooreTippi HedrenA horde of mutated birds descends upon the quiet town of Half Moon Bay, California. As the death toll rises, two citizens manage to fight back, but will they survive Birdemic?No explanation required.
- DirectorBruce PearnUlli LommelPaul WillsonStarsSuzanna LoveUlli LommelShannah HallLacey travels to Hollywood, to the home of a film director, where she brings along the last surviving haunted mirror shard from the end of the first movie as proof to her horrifying experiences.The 2002 remake must be hunted and made extinct. This version's pretty bad as well.
- DirectorK. KingStarsDanny TrejoMartin CoppingClare NiederpruemWhen a street drug turns junkies into an army of zombies, a man named Hunter finds himself with nothing but a beat-up car and a trunk full of guns and booze, until he stumbles across a small band of survivors.More self-aware cancer that makes Ozombie look watchable in comparison. Bleeding the last blood from that stone dead neo-grindhouse genre, the filmmakers behind Zombie Hunter tried to be bad and exceeded beyond their wildest expectations, and probably their worst nightmares.
Why does this film have to remind us so often how cool it is? Imagine the suicidey darkness that would occur if these insecure kind of filmmakers actually took themselves seriously. Would it be any better? Who cares! - DirectorLucio FulciJoe D'AmatoStarsJohn SavageSandi SchultzRichard CastlemanA young man has mysterious encounters with an unknown woman, an ominous hearse, and other supernatural events on the road during an aimless drive around Louisiana after the funeral of his father.Fulci's worst. Til i see Ghosts of Sodom and/or Demonia that is. Depressingly lo-fi with fleeting moments of good if utterly cheap gore and an inconsequential serial killer narrative. On top of that, the film deserves the accusations of misogyny much more so than what was given so readily to Ripper.
- DirectorEtan CohenStarsWill FerrellKevin HartAlison BrieWhen millionaire James King is jailed for fraud and bound for San Quentin, he turns to Darnell Lewis to prep him to go behind bars.Racist? yep. Homophobic? yep. Loud and obnoxious? yep. A complete waste of millions of dollars? yep. Makes me want to punch every Will Ferrell fan in the face.
- DirectorAndy HumphriesStarsJohnny VegasMackenzie CrookCarol HarveyFollows the sexual antics of a group of potato delivery men in Birmingham.You don't need all your fingers to count how many films had enough resources and gull to get "Orgasm Addict" on their soundtrack, and this is one of them!
Sex Lives' budget was a scandal in the UK for good *beep* reason. A comedy pit where only the most misanthropic and feckless conceptions reside, the sort of sitcom humour you come up with after not leaving your bed for four days because you can't be bothered with the world. - DirectorGodfrey HoAli Baba steals hidden treasure from some raiders who then seek revenge on his family.Ali Baba and the Gold Raiders will not be topped within the field of physically distributed animation for how abysmally constructed it is in every facet of it’s property. It is for this reason alone that it deserves any notoriety. As far as i know, it is the worst, of the worst of budget animation titles and a mind imploding experience.
- DirectorJuney SmithStarsBennet GuilloryJoel WeissRuth de SosaA cop copes with several personal and professional challenges, including the discovery of his infidelity; his family's massacre; gunshot wounds to two of his partners, one of whom has become his girlfriend; his suspension on a "police brutality" charge; and multiple departmental matters, the most prioritous of which is apprehending a heinous kid-killer.Dirty Harry clone that could not care less. Nor can i.
- DirectorPetr KubikDavid KocarStarsTom McKayMichelle LukesBrian CaspeFollowing the fall of the Roman Empire, a Roman woman plots to make her son the new Emperor and to fulfill the former glory of the city.Here was gullible ol' me thinking i'd stumbled upon a new wave of caligulasploitation only to be greeted with this Game of Thrones wannabe that wastes perfectly good nudity with an un-engaging story that focuses almost 90% on drab, queeny scum with juvenile dialogue and no likability. The battle scenes were crap as well.
- DirectorUwe BollStarsKristanna LokenBen KingsleyMichelle RodriguezIn the eighteenth century, a vampire escapes from the freak show, in which she once participated, and teams up with a group of vampire slayers to kill the man who raped her mother.And here we go again. Everyone's miscast, a plot with more gaping holes than ya mum's hen night. There's no pace, there's no effort, where did they get the money? How was this made? Blah, blah, blah.
- DirectorBryce DiCristofaloStarsBryce DiCristofaloRachael ThompsonDaryl McGwierAfter a devastating tsunami in 2010, southern Florida and the Caribbean islands have been left in ruin. Citizens attempt to rebuild their lives and start anew, but the streets have been taken over by gangs and overrun with criminals.Soldier of the Apocalypse originally known as VS: The movie, did not get a DVD release for four years and it's easy to why, because it is an exceptionally desperate piece of filmmaking. I know film production is like a kind of alchemy and there are no guarantees regarding the results, but come on! Most people expect an audible sound mix, hence why I can't review this film's story, by the way. Most people expect to see at least half of a film without possessing night vision abilities. Most people expect you to complete your film! Instead of limping your way to feature length by replacing scenes you forgot to shoot with storyboards, sorry, comic book panels, as if no one would clock what you were doing?
This film was the limit. Does it even matter if this was written, produced, directed and starring the same guy? NO! It doesn't. It's too sad to be interesting. Maybe this film could have been a joke if it wasn't a demonstration of the worst sound engineering i could not hear in years. Eight people helped create this soundtrack. Unacceptable. Soldier of the Apocalypse can't be heard, can't be seen, and i can't be asked.
A flash art comic book come to life like some Frankenstein incel. - DirectorMichael FindlayHoracio FredrikssonSimon NuchternStarsMargarita AmuchásteguiTina AustinAna CarroA so-called "snuff" film involving the exploits of a cult leader leading a gang of bikers in a series of supposedly real killings on film.It's Exactly What You Think It Is
Crap - DirectorUlli LommelStarsGunter ZieglerBrandon DeanAxel MontgomeryA psychotic police officer who murders his female arrestees gets what's coming to him when a horde of zombified women rise from their graves to seek revenge.Token, but deserved.
- DirectorSimon PhillipsStarsNick NevernKellie ShirleyJenna HarrisonDamien is a London copper with a past he's trying to forget. Before signing up for the force he ran with a football firm, getting involved in tear-ups up and down the country. Now he's on the other side of the law he faces a tough decision: side with his old crew or protect London as it burns and rioters run amok. Brace yourself for a film that packs one hell of a punch.At least the U.K tabloids were unabashed about their authoritarianism when covering the 2011 smash and grabiganza. Riot though made a sickening thud into the pit of my stomach, not only with it's obnoxious non-linear narrative and self importance, but for its deeply conflicted message, stuck between towing the government line for reactionary revenge and the half hearted cry for understanding the motives behind the civil chaos.
This is for all sense and purposes a Hooligan film with a hooligan lead, now a police officer trying to put his past behind him, but can't. Not only does this film (like the rest of them) present London as if its the centre of the universe (Nottingham? Birmingham? again, *beep* the north an all that classy stuff), but it also has the nerve to promote an anti-violence message, again, hooligan film.
So smug in its statements, yet so blissfully unaware of its own hypocrisy, this macho fantasy bulls**t toys with ideas way above it's head and simplifies the true events to disgustingly bare levels. The conservative's entry in the Hooligan genre. Poison. - DirectorRob BaardJohn BalazsStarsRob BaardRoger NeaveDanny GloverReeve is a member of an elite covert group thought not to exist anymore, he is captured, beaten and brutally tortured, by the very Governments he used to work for. With the help of his old mentor John Carpenter, Reeve must strip away, and rid himself of the emerging demons of his past, so that he may understand the core essence of Ninjutsu, the Ninja's Immovable heart, in order to remember how and why he was captured, and what he is meant to do, before time runs out and his captors discover why he is really here.Australian Ninja film that you barely classify as a film rather than an animated storyboard collection. All action sequences in this film are 75% CGI and the majority of scenes in this film are merely just a cropped two shot of actors behind a green screen. And that Danny Glover billing on top of the one sheet that may have piqued your interest. Nothing more than a fifteen minute cameo presented with the utmost lethargy. They just put Danny Glover in a chair and have him run through his lines and there you go. Some real carny stuff
- DirectorLee FrostStarsRod PerryCharles RobinsonPhil HooverGeneral Ahmed has started an inner-city People's Army to try and relieve the misery of the citizens of Watts. When the locals are put under increasing pressure by Mafia thugs, Ahmed's second-in-command Colonel Kojah asks for permission to start a protection squad to take more direct action. Ahmed fears this protection squad will just turn into a vigilante mob, and his prediction soon proves correct. Will Ahmed be able to wrest control back from the power-mad Kojah, or will he be the mob's next victim?Put me to sleep for a solid 20 minutes despite having a good message in the end, which is unfortunately stifled by poor taste, worst pacing and amateurish acting.
- DirectorCesare CanevariStarsAdriano MicantoniDaniela PoggiMaristella GrecoA Jewish woman who survived the horrors of a concentration camp revisits the ruins of the camp, along with a former SS officer, and recollects the humiliation, the torture, and the constant abuse she went through.The second best made, but most nauseating Naziploitation film of them all. If ethnic cleansing turns you on, then this film was practically made for you. That is too strong. I still hate it though.
- DirectorPaolo BertolaStarsBeau BallingerYvette YzonAlvin AnsonThe reenactment of the brutal massacre in Mi Lai a village in South Vietnam perpetrated by American Military forces on 16th of March 1968.How can I summarise this trash? It has to be seen to be believed. No matter how authentic the screenplay attempted to be, the execution is so tone death, it comes off as nothing more than exploitation. The bad feels kind at that. Some of the imagery is really dark, and the film did not earn it. This was crap.
- DirectorTara CardinalStarsTara CardinalDavid MackeyRay EddyFor a thousand years, the Reapers guarded mankind from the demons that wait in the dark. Now, at the beginning of a new age, the Reapers are betrayed and slaughtered. Only one Reaper remains - Red, and she's out to exact revenge.Simply one of the worst examples of both action and fantasy filmmaking that i've ever seen.
- DirectorJ. Lee ThompsonStarsCharles BronsonJuan FernándezPerry LopezA brutal Los Angeles police Lt. is determined to bust up an organization that forces underage girls into prostitution.A Bronson vehicle about racial sensitivity and hispanic pimps grooming children. Nope.
- DirectorTodd SolondzStarsJane AdamsJon LovitzPhilip Seymour HoffmanThe lives of several individuals intertwine as they go about their lives in their own unique ways, engaging in acts which society as a whole might find disturbing in a desperate search for human connection.One for the broken families out there. I've seen charity ads that have exploited empathy less crudely than this very morally questionable film.
- DirectorJason FriedbergAaron SeltzerStarsKal PennJennifer CoolidgeFred WillardA spoof on previous years' epic movies (The Da Vinci Code (2006), The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) + 20 more), TV series, music videos and celebs. 4 orphans are on an epic adventure.Only when multiplexes start charging £50 a ticket will this film receive reappraisal.
- DirectorWilly RoeStarsMary MillingtonGlynn EdwardsGavin CampbellTwo detectives are drawn into the world of porn, while investigating murders of centrefolds...So forgettable, i almost forgot to put it on this list. I thank my lucky stars i didn't and helped prevent others from wasting 90 minutes (was it even?) on this cheap and depressing waste of a good boilerplate sexploiter concept.
- DirectorDrew HallStarsCatalina Soto-Aguilar KindJohn DeLongPhilip FornahA material science expert is blackmailed to steal designs from a brilliant team of scientists who are building the world's first space elevator.Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. That's all you get from this. No action, no special effects, nothing. Corporate espionage plot. Waste of time. Romance sub-plot. It's all filler because this was a production that decided to put on the shoulders of it's poor cast, the impossible task of bringing credibility and gravitas to a premise that even James Cameron would have issues with simplifying. You cannot make films this high concept on a budget this small and if any L.A mavericks out there care to differ, than at least put some sex and violence into your picture you nerdlingling nimrods. No one wants to listen to shop talk for 100 minutes. No one. They're lying if they're saying otherwise.
This emotionally sparse screenplay is not helped by actors who perform this muted and/or woodenly. Not like cast chemistry could have solved the over ambitiousness of Skyhook, but it sure as hell could have made it go a lot faster. Skyhook has a decent, reality based idea and nothing more. It is an under-budgeted sci-fi espionage thriller that is also poorly executed with flat direction, flat acting and severely underwhelming special effects. - DirectorScott WheelerStarsJohn HenniganJamie BernadetteJosh FingerhutOn a treasure hunt gone wrong, modern-day adventurer Sinbad accidentally releases the Furies, three beautiful but terrible ancient beings powerful enough to threaten life on Earth.Asylum's Clash of the Furies is nothing but a series of elongated improv sessions and quite terrible ones at that. John Morrison has displayed charisma in the past, but one of those examples is not this film. The special effects are minimal, the action is barely there and the amount of talking heads in this one is simply tedious.
Even for an Asylum film, Clash of the Furies feels exceptionally cheap and rushed. It's almost as if they had John Morrison for a week and shot all of his scenes, which are many, by the seat of their arse. The production feels very disorganised. Most of the dialogue outside of essential plot details, are improvised and are allowed to tangent on for what seems like forever. Most of this film is talking, and that talking is quite obnoxious.
I wouldn't recommend Clash of the Furies at all to anyone. It's not bad enough to be worth watching, but it's still pretty god damn bad. This adventure comedy as it were is severely lacking in either. - DirectorSteven LawsonStarsKaren AndersonBarry AustinAlice BarryAn uproarious mockumentary about the British film industry.Dyer's worse film. I call it. He even called it! Run for your Wife can not be as sh**e as this p*ss poor excuse for a mockumentary that would've struggled at being a YouTube sketch. All available talent is wasted and not even the irony of these clowns playing other clowns who made an ultra crap film is enough to warrant your time.
- DirectorAaron NorrisStarsChuck NorrisJohn P. RyanBilly DragoWhen DEA agents are taken captive by a ruthless South American kingpin, the Delta Force is reunited to rescue them in this sequel to the 1986 film.Another depressing late period Cannon production directed by Norris' namesworth brother Aaron. This made Hellbound look like American Werewolf in London.
- DirectorBrett KellyStarsCandice LidstoneJessica HuetherCatherine Mary ClarkA prehistoric shark is released into a the waters near a small lake community as a result of an oil drilling accident, and proceeds to wreak havoc on nearby swimmers.The cinematography is flat, the narrative is ha, ha, ha, ha, there is none and even the welcome shark movie staple of cute girls in bikini's is ruined by how gimpish they're made to look by the screenplay's terrible humour.
There is not much else to say about this film without using specific examples which is not how i like to do things anymore because it's extremely time consuming and looks extremely amateurish when i do it, just like this film. That, and i've also forgotten about 60% of what goes on in this film. Only a lingering sense of cheapness and tedium remains in my mind. - DirectorGuy RitchieStarsJason StathamRay LiottaAndré 3000Gambler Jake Green enters into a game with potentially deadly consequences.Overreaching and over-stylised, Ray Liotta was a ray of sunshine in an otherwise dim, dim, dim affair.
- DirectorImran NaqviSimon PhillipsStarsTamer HassanSimon PhillipsDaisy HeadA feature length thriller/horror set in post-apocalyptic London starring Danny Dyer, Tamer Hassan, Simon Phillips, Ronan Vibert, Sebastian Street, Daisy Head, Rita Ramnani and John Mawson. The film tells the story of a cataclysmic event that leaves only 7 remaining people on earth and their desperate struggle to understand the events as they are hunted one by one by a demonic power.Press on Features - At least we made a film you cants.
- DirectorRidley ScottStarsMichael FassbenderPenélope CruzCameron DiazA lawyer finds himself in over his head when he gets involved in drug trafficking.Something in the back of my mind is telling me I should give credit to a film that is so brazen with it's ambition.
But, the dialogue is indeed that insufferable, the plot that thin and the misogyny all that present amongst all the grand speeches regarding determinism, like a fart in a gold plated elevator, that i feel no guilt in describing The Counsellor as an colossal failure and a utter waste of cinematic talent. It's almost so bad it's good, but it's just too sure of itself to retain that kind of charm. - DirectorSergio GarroneStarsMircha CarvenPaola CorazziGiorgio CerioniNear the end of WW2, prisoners of war are used in experiments to perfect the "Aryan" race.Fun whilst in a particular mood, better than Horlicks otherwise.
- DirectorJoel SchumacherStarsArnold SchwarzeneggerGeorge ClooneyChris O'DonnellBatman and Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City.Haunting fanboys dreams is the only ray of light.
- DirectorWilliam MaloneStarsStephen DorffNatascha McElhoneStephen ReaA New York City detective investigates mysterious deaths occurring 48 hours after users log onto a site named feardotcom.Fear Dot Com is devoid of any real scares, any atmosphere and any impressive qualities not counting it's stateside theatrical release. The blandest rip off of Seven you could ever hope to imagine.
- DirectorDavid DeCoteauStarsJamie GannonMelissa Reneé MartinErinn HayesAngela's sister wants to get revenge upon her, inviting her to mystery farm along with her old friends, to participate in a game with fake blood and knives - but Angela and her disturbed boyfriend Charlie were not supposed to know about the fake part. But what starts as a little friendly game, gets dark and bloody with real deaths - and sure, real blood and knives.Not that I ever expect a direct to dvd cash in to leave an indelible impression, but DeCoteau seems to go out of his way sometimes to deliver the cinematic equivalent to a blank white sheet of paper.
Shot mostly in the dark with only flashes of lightning and harsh tungsten lighting to guide our eyes, Final Scream's almost non existent cinematography makes this already forgettable film all that more difficult to recollect.
Crap that it is though, at least it's legitimate crap. No way this film would have existed without 1996's Scream snatching bank the way that it did and so Final Scream achieves some nostalgia value just on the timely nature of it's conception alone. The film amazingly apes the Wes Craven trendsetter with much nuance by adopting the same dull and lifeless colour palette, the obnoxious self awareness, only now with more hyperbole, and the metallic sheen all of the Gen X Hollywood cast seem to exude. - DirectorJoseph ZitoStarsChuck NorrisM. Emmet WalshDavid TressColonel Braddock launches a mission deep into the jungles of Vietnam to find the POW camp that he escaped from and free the Americans still held captive there.Everything the critics of the time hated about Cannon films, all in one tight, expressionless package.
- DirectorHoward HeardStarsElizabeth TrosperWilliam J. KulzerShea PorterA detective investigates a series of killings committed by a serial killer known as "The Black Angel." He begins to suspect that it might not be just a random group of murders.What Shadows Run Black actually is is a question so frustratingly opaque, it most likely will be the subject of Terrence Mallick’s next film. Too bloodless to be a slasher, too nudity filled to be the respectable thriller it desperately wants to be and the police procedural is given so little significance, it might as well not even be there. But it is because features are required to be above sixty minutes.
Shadows Run Black is an exercise in nothingness. It is one of the most nothing films i’ve ever seen and it is thorough tedium. - DirectorDerek Lee NixonStarsAndrew PozzaLiddy BisanzDonny BoazThe world's most beloved illusionist, armed with his team of oxymoron's, embark on the freakiest, most adventurous paranormal investigation of all time. Terrorized at every turn by an unexplainable irregular patterns of mysterious paradox's, this witch-hunting, ghost busting, creature questing supernatural spooftacular is the funniest footage ever found!All the characters are annoying, the jokes mainly rely on stereotypes and the cinematography is irritatingly polished for what is meant to be a parody of found footage movies. Whatever the reason for its existence, Supernatural Activity will be a film you forgot you watched way before the credits roll.
- DirectorAlbert PyunStarsSnoop DoggBig PunIce-TAn insane preacher (Snoop Dogg) seeks retribution from the local crime syndicate (Big Pun & Fat Joe) for the death of his family and the burning of his church.Absolute crap. A nauseating colour grade and a story that goes nowhere.
- DirectorDavid DeCoteauStarsFivel StewartBooboo StewartEric RobertsTwins discover a coven of witches. The brother is recruited to join while the sister uncovers their heritage as witch slayers. When the brother is supposed to sacrifice his sister they instead team up to destroy the Witch of the Woods.Eighty three minute Z grade tangent that's ninety five percent padding and five percent adobe after effects. Why does Decotau keep doing this to himself? Is the property market in California that hard to get into for an affluent white boi such as him?
- DirectorJ.K. AmalouStarsDanny DyerAnna WaltonJames DohertyA dangerous schizophrenic murderer goes on a murderous rampage around London whilst holding a woman hostage.Insipid screenplay which incites no engaging drama and its social commentary is lazy and has no value apart from unintentional parody. Deviation is a cheap psycho thriller with an awful central performance from Dyer who admittedly only had lazily written and poorly researched material to work with and is just as irrelevant now as it was at time of release.
- DirectorRaoul GirardStarsDanny DyerKeith AllenCraig ConwayA young man who works for horror and action films falls in love with a strange and gorgeous model just arrived from America. However this mysterious woman hides a dark, moving secret in her heart...Insulting to every horror fan on the planet (I hope). Another decent Dyer performance lost amongst cynical tax rebate garbage.
- DirectorJeff WadlowStarsAaron Taylor-JohnsonChloë Grace MoretzChristopher Mintz-PlasseFollowing Kick-Ass' heroics, other citizens are inspired to become masked crusaders, but Red Mist leads his own group of evil super-villains to get revenge, kill Kick-Ass, and destroy everything he stands for.Tarantino put this in his top 10, but had Drive as a nice try. Petty.
- DirectorTodd PhillipsStarsBradley CooperZach GalifianakisEd HelmsWhen one of their own is kidnapped by an angry gangster, the Wolf Pack must track down Mr. Chow, who has escaped from prison and is on the run.So bereft of material, the director opts to do a thriller. And it goes exactly how you think it does.
- DirectorDavid CronenbergStarsJames SpaderHolly HunterElias KoteasAfter getting into a serious car accident, a TV director discovers an underground sub-culture of scarred, omnisexual car-crash victims who use car accidents and the raw sexual energy they produce to try to rejuvenate his sex life with his wife.Whatever floats your boat Burgey. Just don't forget to bring your talent with you next time.
- DirectorDavid DeCoteauStarsShanley CaswellMaureen McCormickEric RobertsA troubled teenage girl finds herself in a web of lies and deceit when her stepmother attempts to murder her by sending her to a discipline camp.This is a cheap, boring ass piece of crap PG-13 slasher that has the bare minimum priority of reaching it's 83 minutes run length.
Style, performance, storytelling, it is all terrible folks. It is all awful. - DirectorJames BryanStarsChristopher MitchumAldo RayAntoine John MottetAn L.A. cop and a reporter team up to find a masked serial killer.James Bryan, one of exploitation cinema's most unreasonably obscure personalities. Well, almost unreasonable.
- DirectorPaul GagnéStarsStephani WellsCory NelsonPaul GagnéMarty Sickle was accused of murdering a young girl inside the slaughterhouse where he lived. Soon after, four college kids brutally hung Marty in revenge.There was some sensuality here, but that's all. Poorly produced D grade rubbish.
- DirectorBoris PavlovskyStarsSava PopovicKatie DuganTomiEight college students are stalked and killed by a maniac dressed in a hag mask.The kills in this film are pathetic, the killer's outfit is lazy and not one single character in this film is remotely engaging. They are not even developed enough to be annoying, they are just there.
- DirectorMichael RaeStarsKim MilfordCheryl SmithGianni RussoA teenager stumbles upon an alien weapon, which transforms him into a grotesque killer.Blowing up the Star Wars billboard was all kinds of adorable.
- DirectorRyan BadalamentiStarsRyan BadalamentiTami BadalamentiJohn BlickAfter the brutal murder of his best friend Jim, Bobbie is haunted by a presence. His girlfriend Val is distant and appears to have secrets of her own. Then the nightmares begin. Through the nightmares Bobbie uncovers clues regarding the murderer's identity. With the killer still on the loose, bodies piling up, and time running out, Bobbie hires a psychic to contact his deceased friend Jim. But some secrets were never meant to be revealed. The dreams will guide him, the secrets will blind him, the murders haunt him. Only together will they unlock the "Secrets of the Clown.When the only memorable thing about your film is a South Park reference.
- DirectorJohn McTiernanStarsChris KleinJean RenoLL Cool JThe big thing in 2005 is a violent sport which can have some pretty serious consequences... like dying.Straight outta the gate, Rollerball is an abstruse wall of noise featuring quality nu-metal, garish cyberpunk art direction, out of control sound design, several languages and twice the amount of accents. Everyone but Paul Hayman is miscast. There is an entire five minute sequence in this film filtered in green night vision because it was from a dirt cheap done amateur hour re-shoot of a scene that itself was too poorly lit for purpose. The editing is so abysmal throughout, it makes Suicide Squad look like The Wild Bunch.
- DirectorVirginie DespentesCoralie Trinh ThiStarsRaffaëla AndersonKaren LancaumeCéline BeugnotTwo young women, marginalised by society, go on a destructive tour of sex and violence. Breaking norms and killing men - and shattering the complacency of polite cinema audiences.Baise-moi? BAISE-TOI!
- DirectorBob AhmedStarsAlexander WraithGail KimLalaineWhen a female assassin is sent to the US to kill the last living heir to the modern day Himalayan Kingdom, royal solider is also sent to protect her. When he is face to face with the assassin his duty to the Kingdom becomes compromised. As they battle, secrets are uncovered and the line between good and evil is erased. Only one mission can be completed and only one person can survive.Ninja's Creed is the nadir of late 2000's direct to DVD cinema, possibly the worst movie released in 2009 and is a film not worth seeing, if you can see the film at all that is.
- DirectorTodd PhillipsStarsBradley CooperZach GalifianakisEd HelmsTwo years after the bachelor party in Las Vegas, Phil, Stu, Alan, and Doug jet to Thailand for Stu's wedding. Stu's plan for a subdued pre-wedding brunch, however, goes seriously awry.(Double Sigh) Just the same film over again and that's the joke?
- DirectorJohn MooreStarsBruce WillisJai CourtneySebastian KochJohn McClane travels to Russia to help out his seemingly wayward son, Jack, only to discover that Jack is a CIA operative working undercover, causing the father and son to team up against underworld forces.(Sigh) Whoever had the idea about giving the Max Payne director the keys to the franchise should be shot at dawn. No more different quality wise (worse even) then Willis' DTV efforts.
- DirectorAndreas SchnaasStarsMatthias KerlRalf HessMathias AbbesTwo doctors are trying to stop a rampant epidemic of zombieism. They fend off zombies spilling many a gallon of blood in the process.Would be charming if it weren't so deprived of self-respect.
- DirectorChris SivertsonStarsLindsay LohanJulia OrmondNeal McDonoughA young woman who was missing reappears, but she claims to be someone else entirely.I Know Who Killed Me is total amateur hour despite having a lot of veteran Hollywood talent working on it. Lohan is hopelessly immature, the direction is insipid and the screenplay is a mess.
- DirectorHéctor OliveraStarsLana ClarksonKatt SheaFrank ZagarinoA sword-wielding warrior, Amethea, and a few companions embark on a life-or-death mission to liberate her people from the clutches of a brutal monarch who destroyed her village and enslaved her people.More white male filmmakers trying to bring down the patriarchy with predictable results. Boris Vallejo's artwork was the only reason why Corman made money off of these fantasy pictures.
- DirectorWes CravenStarsRobert HoustonDavid NicholsVirginia VincentA group of bikers, heading to a race, become stranded in the desert and find themselves fighting off a family of inbred cannibals who live off the land.Craven's laziest cash grab.
- DirectorBen WheatleyStarsAlice LoweKenneth HadleySteve OramChris wants to show girlfriend Tina his world, but events soon conspire against the couple and their dream caravan holiday takes a very wrong turn.Wheatley pulled the wool over everyone's eyes with this arsey, pretentious comedy about wastes of oxygen offing other wastes of oxygen. I guess i was too dyumb to look past all this.
- DirectorStefano MillaStarsGreg ManessBurton PerezMalcolm McDowellKing Henry II tests the loyalty and honor of his son Richard sending him to a hellish prison. In prison Richard must fight against adversaries representing the virtues of a knight.Terrible sound design, awkward editing, abysmal pacing and only fleeting moments of gore and nudity, and what you have is simply a tedious experience that makes me pine for the golden era of Italian genre cinema then I could ever imagine. Do not watch Richard the Lionheart. It is not worth your time.
- DirectorZack SnyderStarsHenry CavillAmy AdamsMichael ShannonAn alien child is evacuated from his dying world and sent to Earth to live among humans. His peace is threatened when other survivors of his home planet invade Earth.The edgy little Snyder with more overlong fan fiction.
- DirectorGus Van SantStarsMatt DillonKelly LynchJames Le GrosA pharmacy-robbing dope fiend and his crew pop pills and evade the law.I fell asleep and had to be woken up. I wish they didn't.
- DirectorJeff MillerStarsTasha BieringDan RoachAndré B. WalkerHeather, a head cheerleader decides to rest up for an upcoming game. But after receiving word that her friend has been killed, she begins receiving calls from the alleged killer, and begins to question everyone around her.The phone machine recording of a concerned parent of a cheerleader threatening to sue director Jeff Miller over the film is by far the most realistic and engaging thing in this entire film.
Forty five meta minutes of phone conversations in a poorly framed interior and the rest is the most poorly framed, poorly lit, lifeless slasher film (of 2000, that i am aware of). Worst cheerleader film ever. - DirectorGus Van SantStarsRiver PhoenixKeanu ReevesJames RussoTwo best friends living on the streets of Portland as hustlers embark on a journey of self discovery and find their relationship stumbling along the way....and my own private hell. This film could not have been more feckless and incidental.
- DirectorRichard FleischerStarsMichael CainePeter UstinovKabir BediDr. Anansa Linderby (Beverly Johnson) is kidnapped in a medical mission in Africa by a slave trader. From this moment, her husband will do anything to recover her and to punish the bad guys, but that will be not an easy task.I swear Dick Chaney has seen this one.
- DirectorJohn LydeStarsCorey SevierEve MauroJasen WadeThe story follows Dusty, a yoga instructor from Colorado, who is on a desperate rescue mission to save her crazy brother Derek, a conspiracy theorist who is convinced Osama bin Laden is still alive, despite having been buried at sea. In Afghanistan, Dusty falls in with a team of NATO special forces on a secret assignment. Turns out Derek is not so crazy after all, and that Osama has returned from his watery grave and is making an army of zombie terrorists. When the group crashes headlong into the growing zombie apocalypse, Dusty and the troops must find and destroy the root of the zombie insurgency before it infests the rest of the world.Great premise. Crap film that's thinks it's smarter than it's audience.
- DirectorPaul TanterStarsTom Benedict KnightSimon PhillipsChristina BellaviaA group of ruthless masked terrorists kidnap the Prime Ministers daughter, fortifying themselves in an underground car park rigged with explosives. A crack SAS team are sent in and must take the building one level at a time.Die Hard's premise (In a Landon car park guv), crap film.
- DirectorPaul TanterStarsTom Benedict KnightSimon PhillipsRussell KilmisterFollowing his actions in 'He Who Dares,' Christopher Lowe is summoned to 10 Downing Street to be dishonourably discharged from the SAS for disobeying a direct order, despite the fact that his actions saved the Prime Minister's daughter.Great premise, crap film.
- DirectorCedric SundstromStarsDavid BradleySteve JamesMarjoe GortnerA man newly trained in the martial arts must save his trainer from experimentation.So cheap, so poor. Poor, poor Cannon. The Electric Boogaloo documentary makes this one an even harder watch.
- DirectorDanny DravenStarsDebra MayerTanya DempseySunny Lombardo"Chill Challenge" is a reality TV program with a simple idea: Five sexy models must spend the night in a haunted old building towalk away with a cool million bucks!Characters are all charmless caricatures, and although that's not a deal breaker on the offset, it becomes so when the scenes of sex and violence are so obscured for obvious reasons, they become more rorschach test than cinematic spectacle. Garbage.
The camerawork though is the main culprit here behind this film's heaving amounts of crap. Grain textured video filters and slapdash editing. - DirectorRon ThorntonStarsAdrian PaulDominique SwainMoose Ali KhanWhen terrorists plant a bomb on a commercial flight, the passengers aboard the plane must fight to keep the plane in the air and all the passengers alive: the bomb is rigged to detonate whenever the plane dips below 800 feet.It was a brain drain watching The Fast and the Fierce. A film seemingly allergic to logic, realism and even reason. One that relies independently upon the audience's conviction of the severe danger the scenario presents, and yet was so lazily written, the result becomes a feature film so packed with statements of pure anti-realism so earnestly presented, it could be the centrepiece of a video lecture on climate change denial. This was crap.
- DirectorSergio LeoneStarsRobert De NiroJames WoodsElizabeth McGovernA former Prohibition-era Jewish gangster returns to the Lower East Side of Manhattan 35 years later, where he must once again confront the ghosts and regrets of his old life.I never knew Leone had it in him to make a film so... rapey. Why should we care about narrative trickery when the characters are so generically sociopathic? Their story is barely worth 70 minutes, not 4 hours!
The fact that the greatest score ever composed for a film belongs to this indulgent machismo crap should be enough proof that god doesn't exist. - DirectorTimur BekmambetovStarsAngelina JolieJames McAvoyMorgan FreemanA frustrated office worker discovers that he is the son of a professional assassin, and that he shares his father's superhuman killing abilities.If i wanted to turn off my brain, i would shoot myself in the head. If I wanted to waste two hours of my life again, I would watch Wanted. If i wanted to give y'all some good advice, i'd recommend staying away from this edge-lord blockbuster turd.
- DirectorWych KaosayanandaStarsAntonio BanderasLucy LiuTalisa SotoTasked with destroying each other, an FBI agent and a rogue DIA agent soon discover that a much bigger enemy is at work.Below average Hollywood action film butchered by wise guy producers and severely impaired by a terrible, outdated screenplay. At times, it does look good and sound good, but the overall product is a mess and what's worse, it's not even bad enough to be enjoyed that way. The film just doesn't make any sense and the espionage plot is lazily structured beyond all irony and agony. Ballistic, the producer's cut that is, is nothing good for but a background noise movie and a chintzy relic of an era of Hollywood action film-making that is now long behind us.
- DirectorJeff CentauriStarsFlex AlexanderBejan AminiAngelito BautistaA half-human, half-vampire female samurai must stop an evil vampire warlord from populating the world with a new breed of "daywalking" vampires.Vampire Shadows is mediocre shot on video action horror that only adds more evidence to the theory that nostalgia will truly end with the 90's. This is a meandering Underworld cash in that does the impossible in making you appreciate Underworld for what it was. Legit D grade garbage.
- DirectorMichael WinnerStarsMarlon BrandoStephanie BeachamThora HirdPrequel to Henry James' "The Turn of the Screw", focusing on groundskeeper Peter Quint's slow corruption of the virtuous governess Miss Jessel and the children she looks after.Brando is barely under control and no one else puts in anything closely resembling a good performance. Could it have been humanly possible for Michael Winner to be more apathetic about his production?
- DirectorJon WrightStarsAlex PettyferApril PearsonDimitri LeonidasA bullied teenager comes back from the dead to take revenge on his classmates.A toneless mess which veers from patches of bleak to explosions of camp, and i wanna die thinking that someone found this funny or even remotely engaging.
- DirectorAlbert PyunStarsJean-Claude Van DammeDeborah RichterVincent KlynA martial artist hunts a killer in a plague-infested urban dump of the future.An audio explanation, sorry, commentary by Van Damme would be nice. Atypical late 80's Cannon fodder. Truly spellbinding, for all the wrong reasons.
- DirectorGerry O'HaraStarsJoan CollinsAntonio CantaforaKenneth HaighThe owner of a trendy disco starts having problems with the men in her life and the Mafia, which is trying to move in on her place.Devoid of any human emotion. Bout as erotic as a rusty coat hanger.