HILARIOUS BAD MOVIE MASTERPIECES

WHAT! DRUG DEALERS THAT HOST WILD PARTIES WITH JAZZ MUSIC????!!!!!... That's it! I'm in!

The only revenge on display here is the revenge the filmmakers decided to inflict on the poor sucker who actually spent his (or her) hard-earned money on this piece of cr*p... like myself.

Hang on a second? Why does this octopus-man mutant only have 7 appendages? Octa stands for 8. Maybe they should have called him Septaman instead? Or maybe Septicman, which has nice ring to it. Don't you think?

Tagline: "Sci-Fi...Alien or Mutation...Man or Reptile..." Reptile? That's strange, I always thought an octopus belonged to the animal group invertebrates, not reptiles? But I guess the filmmakers cannot possibly be wrong about this, can they? - seeing that they obviously did a massive amount of scientific-research in creating the anatomically-correct "Octaman", and all.

*Personal note: That reminds me, I mustn't forget to remind the missus not to forget to cook her delicious, mouth-watering "surf and turf" dish as was planned for tonight. That is; calamari-rings with a medium-to-rare grilled-steak plus, with a decent helping of fries on the side, of course. Yummy!

Hang on a second? Florida? Could it be Mar-a-Lago? Has Donald Trump got something to do with this?... Now I'm really scared.

Uh oh! The plot sickens.

Meet the Spartans? No thanks, but thanks for the invitation anyway.

Phew! Thank goodness I won't be alive in the year 3000 A.D. And if I was, I'd probably die of laughter at the mere sight of the mean-spirited Psychlos anyway... come to think of it, their platform boots are super-cool though.

*Personal note: Hmmm, maybe those boots are selling at a discounted price on Amazon? I'll look into that after I've completed this list and if reasonably priced may buy a pair for myself and the missus.

I knew it! I always knew it! Here's the proof! Aliens are just as dumb-ass as humans.

Yahoo! The scantily clad Jane Fonda saves the day (and the movie).

Why the hell would a mad scientist decide to transform himself into a mutant catfish? I don't get it?... Wait, hang on a second dear reader, I'll get back to you after I've read the whole storyline... Ah ha! The storyline says "to kidnap nubile young women to similarly transform so that he can breed." Now I get it! Can someone please be so kind as to send me the mad scientist's phone number, I have a few things I need to discuss with him... That is... uhmmm... private things of a purely scientific-nature, of course.

I'm telling you folks, I have a gut-feeling about this one. I'm sure the Soviet scientist is non-other-than our beloved genocidal maniac Vladimir Putin. The guy presently sitting in the Kremlin is a clone. I just know it, I just know it.

The title is absolutely spot-on, this movie is an absolute disaster.

Look here folks, I'm an open-minded kind of guy, and all. Raging carnivorous dinosaurs can be intimidating, crazy revenge-seeking sharks can be intimidating, rabies infected sharp-fanged bats can be intimidating, swarms of killer-bees on a mission to wipe-out mankind can be intimidating. Hell, even flying-nuns teaching the Gospel can be somewhat intimidating. But slugs? Really? The only time a slug can be intimidating is when you're walking barefoot and you accidentally squish one between your toes. What the heck were the filmmakers thinking? Sorry, but I could slug them you know (that's metaphorically speaking, of course).

Please whatever you do, don't let this pussy-cat out of the bag.

Gives a whole new meaning to the idiom 'Look What the Cat(s) Dragged in'.

Damnit man! I just can't take it anymore! Please, oh please have mercy on me, please put that darn cat back in the hat, where he belongs! He creeps me out man!

Are you actually telling me a highly advanced alien life-form in a highly-advanced spaceship actually flew millions of light-years to land on Earth simply to dine on some humans in a small American town? This alien is obviously one of those snobs, like here on Earth, that like to show off to others on social-media of all the exotic food he (or she) has eaten that others have not or, do not have access to. Yet more proof aliens are just as dumb-ass as humans (Please refer to number 8 on this list to confirm this confirmation).

Good golly miss molly! Forget about Section 31, watching this drivel will guarantee you will end up as a Section 8.

WOW! Yes folks, "Snow White" can only be viewed as nothing short of a masterful, awe-inspiring, cinematic achievement! Bravo Disney! The ability to take a beloved classic, that needed only to be told in a traditional manner, and then f... mucking-it-up, big-time, can only be construed as the the work of pure unadulterated genius. How the filmmakers managed to pull this off will be, without-a-doubt, discussed and analyzed by film-students and film-professors for many years to come. Where's the magic? Where's the charm? And where's the common-sense? And what the hell happened to the poor dwarfs, man!? Were they maybe infected with a nasty body-deforming type virus only found in their place of employment, in the dark and damp recesses of caves while mining for gems? Who was the genius that decided to replace what should've been physically-rendered roles for badly-rendered CGI (Computer-Generated-Idiocy)? Do the filmmakers not understand what the term "Live-Action" means? Jeez! Why not simply make an animated remake of the original classic instead, instead of giving us a head-spinning, disorientating, non-symbiotic mixture of two filmmaking techniques that simply does not gel in this film? And not to mention the so-called 'Evil Queen'? Geesh! I've had 2-second stares from the missus that's a 1000 times more menacing than Gal Gadot's entire performance in this movie. Thanks Disney, thanks a helluva lot in managing to obliterate years and years of fond childhood memories of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" in one fell swoop. Can somebody please be so kind as to hand me a poisoned-apple so that I can go into a deep sleep, so as to be awakened at a later date (preferably by a kiss from the missus instead of the prerequisite bucket of ice-cold water thrown in the face) and realize this latest rendition of "Snow White" was just a traumatic nightmare all along... Oh, the horror... the horror.

*Personal note: I wonder? Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but could it be Disney is taking revenge on me for making a big scene in refusing to pay for their exorbitantly-priced snacks at one of their kiosks the last time I visited Disneyland? I'm kinda certain the whole unsavory episode must've been captured on CCTV. I think it may be best for me to stay away from there for a while, and lay low until the heat cools down and all.

You know folks, if this movie was purely about Leo gardening, you know, how to plant turnips and cabbages and how to pick weeds without leaving those pesky roots still in the ground and causing the weeds to come back twice as big and twice as nasty in a day or two, and so forth, it would of been a 1000 times more entertaining. Personally, I'd rather crawl naked through poison-ivy for 1 hour and 50 minutes than subject myself to this kind of torture again.

Seeing that we are on the subject of Poison-Ivy, the same applies here as to the above... You know, the crawling naked part and all.

Place sad-faced, teary-eyed, suicidal Emoji >here<

"YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!" - Folks, I just can't do better than that. Please frequent the quotes section of this title for more profound and emotionally captivating dialogue... and don't forget to keep a box of Kleenex close-by, just in case.

More like an Epic Flop, if you ask me.

It appears some idiot left the cruise control on idle. This movie deserves an Oscar in the category; "Most Boring Action, Non-Action Motion Picture of the Year" ZZZZZZZZZZZ!