- Kenneth Hanline: Liza, I'd do anything for you. I'll sign notes for you. I'll defraud managers for you. I'll even steal babies. I'll do anything, but I will not marry you.
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: I'm going to operate, and for the first time in my life I hope the patient dies on the table.
- Dr. Jones: Don't you worry one moment about that bouncing boy. He'll grow up to be President one of these day.
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: [scowling] I'm a Republican.
- Buddy: Oh, stop schmoozing over that kid and tell us where you got it.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: I took her.
- Buddy: Ken!
- Kenneth Hanline: You mean you kidnapped here?
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Oh, Ken, you've got an obscene mind - and you're a bad influence. Buddy, when the manager gets here remind me to tell him to try to find some workmen to remove that bar right away. It's no atmosphere for a growing child.
- Kenneth Hanline: Well, keep her from growing up for just a few minutes will you? I've got to get in shape to save you from the Lindberg law.
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: The infant's chest seems perfect.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Please don't say "infant." Seems so un-affectionate, as though she had no continelity.
- [sic, a clear flub of her line, possibly meant personality]
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Please call her Joanna.
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: Miss Madden, might I suggest that you choose a different name for, uh, Joanna. She, uh, happens to be a male.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: What? A boy? But that can't be. He, I mean, she, I mean, he was wearing all pink. He just can't be a boy. Everybody knows that girls wear pink and boys wear blue - don't you know that?
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: Miss Madden, many years ago, medical science discovered a much better way of segregating boys and girls than by the color of their clothing.
- Buddy: Corey? Isn't there somebody in the building by that name?
- Kenneth Hanline: You're thinking of what I'm going to commit to keep us all out of jail - hari-kari.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: [On the telephone with Dr. McBain] Doctor, this is Elizabeth Madden. Would you rush right over here and take a look at my baby?... Symptoms? Doctor, if I could recognize symptoms, I would be a doctor not an actress... . What age?... About two... Oh, doctor, please rush right over here instead of arguing with me this way.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: [On the phone with the apartment building manager] This is Miss Madden. Will you come up to my apartment right away? I need more room now with the baby... . Yes. I said a baby... What? Why that's ridiculous.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: [to Buddy and Ken] Is there something in my lease that says I can't have a baby?
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: [Back on the phone with the manager] How could I tell you. I didn't' know it myself until about 15 minutes ago... . Oh, I don't care about your rules for having babies. That's silly anyway.
- Detective Sergeant Barnes: So, we thought you wouldn't mind if we looked around, just to see if we could sort of find a baby that perhaps you hadn't noticed.
- Detective Sergeant Barnes: Murphy here and the other witnesses say this lady was wearing the screwiest had they'd ever seen.
- Buddy: [laughing almost hysterically] That's hardly a distinguishing characteristic these days.
- Detective Sergeant Barnes: So, we come here and we ask the bellboys what lady wears the screwiest hats and every one of 'em says, "Miss Madden."
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Well, the bellboys. What do they know about hats anyway?
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: [after Dr. McBain shows up in response her emergency call] I just said that. You know how doctors are. And if they think someone is dying, they just dawdle along.
- Kenneth Hanline: You make lots of money - yes. You have lots of money - no. You give it away to that crummy list of pensioners.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: All right, then go and get me some more.
- Kenneth Hanline: Listen, Liza - tall, handsome Baptiste'll be passing you gumdrops through the bars of Sing Sing if you don't take my advice and let me smuggle the little s----, uh, let me sneak him to a police station some night and then run like everything.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: This poor little thing must be catching something from Ken. Go sanitize yourself, Ken. With all that money you handle and everything.
- [She pushes Ken away and walks around him]
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: I was called here to examine a two-year-old child.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Here she is. My own precious darling Joanna.
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: This? This is an infant of about 8 or 9 months.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Oh, yes, yes, that was a slight mistake about the age. She's so smart that I always think of her as being much older.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Ken.
- Kenneth Hanline: Well, what is it?
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: At least you might hide that bottle of G - I - N.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Don't you like any of them, darling? He just sits there.
- Buddy: I remember an audience in Cedar Rapids once that behaved the same way.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: So, I said to the policeman, give me that baby, you don't know how to hold her.
- Buddy: And you do?
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Naturally. Every woman knows how to hold a baby - natural instinct. It's like sewing on buttons, or beating an egg.
- Buddy: Are you English?
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: No, Nebraska. Why?
- Buddy: You keep understating everything.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: I just have to get married.
- Buddy: Why don't you marry somebody with money and kill two birds with one ceremony?
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: I always thought reporters wore their hats on the back of their heads
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Oh, that's just in the movies.
- Buddy: Look, we can cut Uncle Charles to 50.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Berate Uncle Charles? Oh, no, no. I couldn't.
- Buddy: Well, what does he do but run up and down Miami Beach pinching girls? That shouldn't be so expensive.
- Kenneth Hanline: Probably costs him a lot just to keep in condition.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Your life must be fascinating, Mrs. Cunning.
- Mrs. Cummings: Uh, Cummings. Yes, I suppose it is.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Frankly, Mrs. Cummings, don't you think it's rather ridiculous - suspecting me of kidnapping?
- Mrs. Cummings: On the contrary. We have many similar cases. It happens every day. Generally to women whose lives have been so selfish that they've never experienced the normal feelings of love and self-sacrifice. It's very interesting, Miss Madden.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Ken?
- Kenneth Hanline: Huh? Oh, no, no, Liza. Please, please -- not me.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Why not? You are handy and I can manage you.
- Kenneth Hanline: I know, but look, look. Lisa, I'll do anything for you. I'll sign notes for you. I'll defraud managers for you. I'll even steal babies. I'll do anything, but I will not marry you.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: I don't see why I'm not solvent.
- Kenneth Hanline: Because you have more debts than a college sophomore.
- Buddy: Because of all the money to these leeches.
- Kenneth Hanline: Being solvent means hard cash in the bank - not a swell apartment with a lot of expensive furniture. And the law says you either have to be solvent or married.
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: I wanted something too, once - something I couldn't have.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: A baby?
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: No, not a baby -- rabbits. Three hundred and sixty-five thousand, four hundred and twenty-two rabbits.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: You're on the dock, Bluebeard. What number am I?
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: Two.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: I must be the last. We were just married this morning. There'd hardly be time for a third.
- Buddy: [Holding her wrists out as if to be handcuffed] Well, try and get us connecting cells with a bath between. She's a swell kid, but I have to add and subtract for her.
- Buddy: We can't make you solvent if you keep on sending money to all these leeches. Now, look, there's Stevenson. Now he's had the same bad idea for the same bad play every day for the last five years.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: But he has talent, and one day he might write a great play. This money keeps him going.
- Kenneth Hanline: Yes, from bar to bar.
- Elizabeth 'Liza' Madden: Nobody who likes rabbits could be very vicious.
- Dr. Corey T. McBain: Oh, I'm not, but... well, you just don't marry people on the same day you examine their babies.
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