Denver Pyle credited as playing...
Briscoe Darling
- Briscoe Darling: Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him?
- Dud Wash: I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird.
- Andy Taylor: He doesn't sound like a very nice person.
- Briscoe Darling: One of the worst we got.
- [the Darlings are discussing the song they are going to play at Charlene's wedding]
- Briscoe Darling: How 'bout "Don't Hit Your Grandma with a Great Big Stick"?
- Charlene Darling: No, Paw, That one makes me cry!
- Andy Taylor: [Briscoe is getting dressed for Charlene's wedding] Hold still, Mr. Darling, while I put on your tie.
- Briscoe Darling: Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous about wearin' one of these things.
- Barney Fife: Adios, amigo.
- Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] He one of ours?
- Andy Taylor: Oh, sure.
- Briscoe Darling: [to Barney] More power to ya.
- Briscoe Darling: [Aunt Bee has hit Briscoe with a spoon] Ow! What'd you do that for?
- Aunt Bee Taylor: No elbows on the table.
- Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] That ain't fair; her hittin' first and explainin' the rules after.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: [reading a note tied to a rock Ernest T. Bass threw through the window] "Maybe you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?" Mr. Darling, you don't think he'd try to kidnap Charlene before the wedding?
- Briscoe Darling: He might. He's just crazy enough to do it.
- Dud Wash: Well, you just let him try! I'll show him some things I learned in the army in jungle warfare! First, you grab the mouth and pull like this.
- [demonstrates by pulling his own mouth]
- Dud Wash: Then you grade his nose and twist it like this.
- [twists his own nose]
- Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! You want your face to freeze thatta' way?
- Briscoe Darling: [serenading Aunt Bee] Low and lonely, sad and blue / Thinking only, of little you / Always tryin', to keep from cryin' / I'm low and lonely over you.
- Barney Fife: [about Briscoe's decision not to kill Ernest T] It's a wise man who knows not to push the limits of the law.
- Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] He arguin' with me?
- Andy Taylor: No; he's agreein' with you.
- Briscoe Darling: Just so I know where I stand.
- Dud Wash: Where's my 'darlin' person'? There she is!
- [grabs Charlene and begins hugging and kissing her]
- Charlene Darling: Dud! Stop it!
- Dud Wash: Aw. c'mon Charlene!
- Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! We got other things to do. Try to control them hot flashes.
- [Andy and Barney are at the Darlings when a rock comes through the window]
- Barney Fife: What was that!
- Andy Taylor: I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.
- Briscoe Darling: Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk!
- [Turns away from the window, then turns back]
- Briscoe Darling: Doggone ya!
- Andy Taylor: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!
- Ernest T. Bass: Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!
- Barney Fife: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you
- [another rock come flying through the window]
- Barney Fife: Stop that!
- [Another rock hits the window]
- Briscoe Darling: Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!
- Ernest T. Bass: I should have a chance to woo and charm her with my ways.
- Briscoe Darling: Take a shot at him, sherif, you got a legal right.
- Briscoe Darling: You got witchery in your family!
- Andy Taylor: Just a little on my mother's side
- [goes to touch Briscoe on the shoulder]
- Andy Taylor: Don't touch me it might be catchy!
- Andy Taylor: [Aunt Bee hits Briscoe in the hand with a spoon] It's a lot warmer today than it was yesterday.
- Briscoe Darling: Warmer and more painful.
- Briscoe Darling: [Aunt Bee hits Briscoe in the hand with a spoon] For a pretty woman who reads rose poetry you sure do pack a mean spoon!
- Aunt Bee Taylor: [after Briscoe kidnaps Aunt Bee to try to get her to marry him] Oh thank goodness. Andy's here.
- Briscoe Darling: Hope he brought his marryin book.