Michael Crawford credited as playing...
Cornelius Hackl
- Cornelius Hackl: I've lost everything: my job, my future, everything people *think* is important, but I don't care - because even if I have to dig ditches for the rest of my life, I shall be a ditch-digger who once had a wonderful day.
- Cornelius Hackl: [infatuated with Irene] Well, you see, we're two ladies about town and we're looking for a had to Malloy and...
- Barnaby Tucker: We're hats, you see, and we're looking for a lady to Malloy with for the af...
- Cornelius Hackl: [signals Barnaby to be quiet] We want a hat!
- Fritz, German waiter: And what would you like, sir.
- Cornelius Hackl: Six months off for good behavior.
- Cornelius Hackl: Barnaby, you don't know anything about women.
- Barnaby Tucker: Only that we can't afford them.
- Cornelius Hackl: Smile Barnaby.
- Barnaby Tucker: [forcing a smile] I'm smiling.
- Cornelius Hackl: Look rich, gay, and charming.
- Barnaby Tucker: [a small beat] I'm looking gay and charming.
- Cornelius Hackl: Cornelius Hackl here.
- Barnaby Tucker: Barnaby Tucker here.
- Irene Molloy: Irene Malloy here.
- Cornelius Hackl: Look, I'm dancing!
- [carelessly backs into a chair and falls]
- Cornelius Hackl: Uh, I was.
- Cornelius Hackl: I've never touched a woman before.
- Irene Molloy: You still haven't. That's my corset.
- Barnaby Tucker: Are you sure this is an adventure, Cornelius?
- Cornelius Hackl: You don't have to ask, Barnaby. When you're in one, you'll know it all right.
- Cornelius Hackl: We're gonna close the store.
- Barnaby Tucker: Close the store?
- Cornelius Hackl: We have to, 'cause some rotten cans of chicken mash are going to explode.
- Barnaby Tucker: Holy cabooses, how do you know?
- Cornelius Hackl: Because I'm gonna light some candles under them.
- Horace: Corneilius Hackl! What are you doing in New York?
- Cornelius Hackl: Oh, I'm just delivering some oats.
- Horace: Delivering some oats? With my former intended? You're discharged!
- Cornelius Hackl: You can't fire me. I quit!
- Irene Molloy: So do I!
- Horace: Barnaby Tucker, you're discharged.
- Barnaby Tucker: You can't fire me. I quit!
- Minnie Fay: So do I!
- Horace: Now in honor of the occasion, I'm going to promote you both. Cornelius, how old are you?
- Cornelius Hackl: Twenty-eight and three-quarters, Mr. Vandergelder.
- Horace: Is that all? That's a foolish age to be at. I thought you were 40.
- Cornelius Hackl: No, I'm 28 and three-quarters.
- Horace: Well, a man's not worth a cent until he's 40. We just pay him wages until then to make mistakes.
- Horace: Anyway, I've decided to promote you to chief clerk.
- Cornelius Hackl: Chief clerk?
- Horace: Yes.
- Cornelius Hackl: Well, what am I now?
- Horace: You're an impertinent fool, that's what you are! Now if you behave yourself, I'll promote you from impertinent fool to chief clerk, with a raise in your wages.
- Cornelius Hackl: Ah. Thank you, Mr. Vandergelder.