John Schuck credited as playing...
Capt. 'Painless' Waldowski
- Painless: [lining up during football game] All right, Bub, your fuckin' head is coming right off.
- [the first use of the word "fuck" in a major motion picture]
- Painless: I wasn't gonna fool around out here because I got these three girls I'm engaged to back home.
- Hawkeye Pierce: And you wanted to be faithful to them. Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home, you're...
- Painless: Well anyway, I took her out and... And I failed.
- Hawkeye Pierce: You mean she wouldn't put out for you, eh?
- Painless: No, she wanted to in the worst way but it was me. I just couldn't.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Oh you couldn't...?
- Painless: No, it just wasn't happening...