Edward Albert credited as playing...
Don
- Jill: I'm auditioning for a part in a new play with a little theatre group called The Cosmic Workshop. It's about this girl who gets all hung up when she marries a homosexual. Originally he was an alcoholic, but homosexuals are very in now in movies and books and plays, so they changed it.
- [pause]
- Jill: Are you homosexual?
- Don: No, just blind.
- Mrs. Baker: I suppose Linda Fletcher put this guitar idea into your head.
- Don: You might say she was instrumental.
- Mrs. Baker: Oh, boy.
- Don: That was another joke. Look, you're going to have to start laughing at something or people are going to think you're a lesbian.
- Mrs. Baker: You have certainly picked up some colorful language, haven't you?
- Mrs. Baker: [trying to make Don come home] If you insist on staying here, I will not support you.
- [Don goes to the phone]
- Mrs. Baker: What're you doing?
- Don: Calling The Chronicle. What a story! 'Florence Baker Refuses to Help the Handicapped!'
- Mrs. Baker: Donnie, I'm serious.
- Don: Oh, well, then I'll call the New York Times.
- Mrs. Baker: What are you going to do for money? The little you saved must be gone now.
- Don: I can always walk along the streets with a tin cup.
- Mrs. Baker: Now you're embarrassing me.
- Don: Oh, no, I'll stay away from Saks.
- Don: Well hate me! Or love me! But don't leave because I'm blind... and don't stay because I'm blind.
- Jill: Boy, I thought I was sloppy!
- Don: What do you mean?
- Jill: Well, unless you know something I don't. Like, ashes are good for the table. Is that why you keep dropping them on there?
- Don: Have you moved the ashtray?
- Jill: It's right here, what're ya blind?
- Don: Yes.
- Jill: What do you mean, yes?
- Don: I mean, yes, I'm blind.
- Don: [sings] I knew the day you met me, I could love you if you'd let me, Though you touched my cheek and said how easy you'd forget me. You said: butterflies are free, and so are we.
- [Don and Mrs. Baker are arguing over his decision to support himself as a singer]
- Mrs. Baker: May I ask how you arrived at this brilliant decision?
- Don: It was elementary, my dear mother - by the process of elimination. I made a lengthy list of all the things I couldn't do: like commercial airline pilot. I doubt that TWA would be too thrilled at having me fly their planes - nor United - nor Pan Am. Photographer? A definite out - along with ball player and cab driver. Matador - didn't strike me as too promising.
- Mrs. Baker: Honestly.
- Don: I half-considered becoming an eye doctor, but then that would just be a case of the blind leading the blind.
- Don: [phone rings] I'm fine, thank you. How are you? It's warm here. How is it in Hillsborough? Well, it's warm here too.
- [picks up phone]
- Don: Hello, Mother.
- Mrs. Baker: [on the other end] How did you know?
- Don: When you call, the phone doesn't ring. It says 'M is for the million things she gave me. O is for... ' I forgot what O is for.
- Mrs. Baker: You seem to have forgotten a lot of things lately. How are you feeling?
- Don: I'm fine, thank you. How are you?
- Mrs. Baker: Very well. How's the weather?
- Don: It's warm here. How is it in Hillsborough?
- Mrs. Baker: Warm.
- Don: Well, it's warm here too.
- Mrs. Baker: [looking around Don's apartment] Where did this furniture come from?
- Don: Some of it came with the apartment, the rest I picked up at a junk shop.
- Mrs. Baker: Well, don't tell me which is which, let me guess.
- Mrs. Baker: And what is that on your head?
- Don: [wearing the hat he bought with Jill] French foreign legion cap.
- Mrs. Baker: Oh, have you enlisted?
- Don: No, I was drafted.
- Don: I don't want you talking to my friends when i'm not around.
- Mrs. Baker: I'll make a note of that.