Keenan Wynn credited as playing...
Alonzo Hawk
- Alonzo Hawk: [speaking to his secretary about a group of men in his office] Who're these clowns?
- Secretary: They're your new lawyers, Mr. Hawk. You fired the others yesterday.
- Alonzo Hawk: Okay, fellas, now I want to tear down the Steinmetz firehouse. Okay?
- Lawyer-Second Team: Just a moment, Mr. Hawk. Do you have the necessary permit?
- Alonzo Hawk: [suddenly becomes angry] Of course I don't have a permit! I don't even own the land yet!
- Lawyer-Second Team: Sorry, Mr. Hawk. Such an action would only jeopardize your entire legal standing of your new building. We can't permit...
- Alonzo Hawk: [shouts angrily] Will you get outta here? I didn't hire you to tell me what I can't do, I hired you to tell me how I could do it! GOOOOOO!
- [lawyers run out of the office]
- Secretary: I'm sorry, Mr. Hawk. I called the motel but they said your nephew checked out.
- Alonzo Hawk: [angrily] What do you mean he's checked out? When? Where? Who told him he could check out? How dare he disappear when he knows I'm worried sick? I'll tear his chicken-livered gizzard to pieces! I'll stomp him silly! I'll take this letter knife, and I'll stab that kid right in his ungrateful breastbone! You know me Millicent, normally I'm a kindly, fun-loving fellow! But when I get crossed...
- [weakly, slumping down at desk]
- Alonzo Hawk: I go bananas.
- [Alonzo Hawk is lying on the couch in his office after having an angry fit over the phone with his nephew]
- Lawyer: Don't worry, Mr. Hawk. I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning.
- Alonzo Hawk: Ah, stop talking like an idiot. I feel better right now! Alonzo Hawk can be betrayed, but he is never defeated! Out of my way!
- [Gets up and moves to his desk]
- Alonzo Hawk: Since none of you pitful excuses for men have enough muscle to move a feeble little old lady off her property, I'll go and do it myself, like I have to everything around here that's important .
- Lawyer: Now, now, Mr. Hawk...
- Alonzo Hawk: Oh, shut up! We'll start on Number 1 - Harassment! And I wrote the book on harrassment - We'll shut up her phone, turn off her water; we'll sic the Health & Building inspectors on her, steal her dog.
- Lawyer: She doesn't have a dog.
- Alonzo Hawk: What do you mean she doesn't have a dog? A little old lady living in a place like that? Who looks out for her? How does she get around?
- Lawyer: She has a little car she goes everywhere in.
- Alonzo Hawk: Well then, you fellows go and pick it up!
- Lawyer: Yes, Mr. Hawk!
- [the lawyers start to leave]
- Alonzo Hawk: [Mutters to himself] Bunch of lame-brains!
- [shouts to his lawyers]
- Alonzo Hawk: Hold it! Hold it! You fellows will probably even foul up on a simple assignment like this. The first team is on the job now - I'LL go and pick the car up myself!
- [Gets up and walks out of the office]
- Alonzo Hawk: Over-rated cage of PINHEADS!
- Alonzo Hawk: At the tender age of nineteen, I was the best known repossessor of cars west of the Mississippi. Hot-wire Hawk, they called me.
- Alonzo Hawk: [being stopped by a policeman in traffic] The traffic commissioner shall hear of this!
- Traffic Commissioner: I *am* the commissioner.
- Alonzo Hawk: Then what're you doing in that monkey suit? A traffic commissioner would dress in dignified clothes.
- Traffic Commissioner: This happens to be my dress uniform. I was on my way to the ceremony for I Am A Policeman Day.
- Alonzo Hawk: [Hawk is in Rome; sees the Coliseum] What a location.
- Taxi Driver: Ah, si, the mighty Coliseum. The Glory of Rome. Doesn't it stir your imagination?
- Alonzo Hawk: You bet it does, baby. Do you realize what a shopping center we can put up there? Plenty of parking, too.
- [a disturbed look then comes to the taxi driver's face, after hearing this remark]
- [Alonzo Hawk is aroused in the middle of the night by his phone ringing and ending the nightmare of Herbie, attacking him]
- Alonzo Hawk: [answering the phone] Yeah, what is it?
- Loostgarten: [on the phone] Sorry to disturb you at this time of the night, Mr. Hawk, but a guy with my job can't afford to make mistakes.
- Alonzo Hawk: What are you talking about?
- Loostgarten: That address you gave me on the phone.
- Alonzo Hawk: Well, what about it?
- Loostgarten: Uh, 343 Oleander Heights. Are you sure that's the right address?
- Alonzo Hawk: Of course I'm sure, you idiot! I know it as well as my own address.
- [hangs up and starts to lie back down, then suddenly sits up with alarm]
- Alonzo Hawk: Wait a minute! It is my own address!
- [but it's too late; Loostgarten starts to tear down Mr. Hawk's home]
- Alonzo Hawk: [after his speech about the groundbreaking of his new building] Get those deadheads out of here, will you? What are they going to do, stand around all day drinking my booze?
- [a window washer appears behind Alonzo Hawk to wash the window. The noise of the machine disturbs Hawk, who angrily orders the washer to stop and quickly leave]
- Alonzo Hawk: [flinging the window open] You idiot! What do you think you're doing?
- Window washer: Washing the windows. Every Wednesday. Mr. Hawk's orders.
- Alonzo Hawk: I'm Mr. Hawk! Get outta here!
- Window washer: Okay. Cancel the windows.
- [He moves his platform away, but not before calling out to Hawk to remind him of the window, that was left opened, before he left]
- Window washer: And you better shut the window; runs up the air-conditioning bill!
- Alonzo Hawk: [yelling] You're fired! Get your money and...
- Window washer: [calling] Mr. Hawk's orders!
- Alonzo Hawk: They may harass me, but don't let them ever think they have me beaten. That is when Alonzo Hawk is at his most dangerous.
- Secretary: Yes, sir.
- Traffic Commissioner: Ah, it's you again, Mr. Hawk.
- Alonzo Hawk: Save me! Save me! They're after me! They're after me!
- Traffic Commissioner: Who's after you?
- Alonzo Hawk: Those little cars, hundreds of them. Can't you see them, you idiot?
- Traffic Commissioner: Mr. Hawk, I wonder would you mind coming down to my place of business?
- Alonzo Hawk: I would be happy to. I would - Ooh, oh, oh, ahh!
- [Alonso Hawk's final line]
- Alonzo Hawk: [after getting away from Herbie Mr. Hawk is on the ledge of the building, he takes a breath and sees some pigeons cooing]
- [exhausted yet annoyed]
- Alonzo Hawk: Aw shut up, and get off my building!
- [the birds fly away]
- Lawyer: [Alonzo Hawk has just gone off about his nephew checking out without notifying anyone]
- [picks up the phone]
- Lawyer: Yes? Oh.
- [hands the phone to Hawk]
- Lawyer: It's your nephew.
- Alonzo Hawk: [in an excited, high-pitched voice] WILLOUGHBY?
- [he picks up the phone, speaking normally]
- Alonzo Hawk: Willoughby, where are you?
- Willoughby Whitfield: [Willoughby is standing in a Hawk phone booth] Oh, hi, uncle. I just thought I'd save time and phone you the news.
- Alonzo Hawk: Aw, that's marvelous, that's great, you're a smart boy! That Hawk blood will tell in the end.
- Willoughby Whitfield: [In the booth, Willoughby imitates a ship horn and fakes a Swedish accent] All ashore that's going ashore!
- [Willoughby whistles into the phone]
- Alonzo Hawk: What's all that noise, and-- and what news?
- Willoughby Whitfield: Oh, the news that I was leaving town.
- Alonzo Hawk: [in disbelief] Leaving town...?
- Willoughby Whitfield: I'm on the ship-to-shore phone...
- [imitates a frequency noise]
- Willoughby Whitfield: ... from the deck of the Swedish freighter, the Gustav Gustaffson, bound for Helsinki!
- Alonzo Hawk: [in a gasping, high-pitched voice] HELSINKI?
- Willoughby Whitfield: I'm glad you're taking it like this, uncle. You know, you really should leave Mrs. Steinmetz alone.
- [Alonzo Hawk screams incomprehensible gibberish before screaming so loudly into the phone that all the glass walls of the phone booth Willoughby is standing in shatter simultaneously; Willoughby leaves as Hawk continues to scream indistinct gibberish]