John Cleese credited as playing...
Basil Fawlty
- Basil Fawlty: Where's Sybil?
- Manuel: ¿Que?
- Basil Fawlty: Where's Sybil?
- Manuel: Where's... the bill?
- Basil Fawlty: No, not a bill! I own the place!
- Basil Fawlty: Your *name*, please, could I have your name?
- Lord Melbury: Melbury.
- [the phone rings; Basil picks it up]
- Basil Fawlty: [to Melbury] One second please.
- [to phone]
- Basil Fawlty: Hello?... Ah, yes Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion.
- [to Melbury, testily]
- Basil Fawlty: Could you fill it in, please?
- [to phone]
- Basil Fawlty: Oh, splendid! Ah, yes, but *when*, Mr O'Reilly?
- [to Melbury, who is having difficulty with the register]
- Basil Fawlty: there - there!
- [to phone]
- Basil Fawlty: Yes, but when? Yes, yes... ah!... the flu!
- [to Melbury]
- Basil Fawlty: *Both* names, please.
- [to phone]
- Basil Fawlty: Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly that and the potato famine I suppose...
- Lord Melbury: I beg your pardon?
- Basil Fawlty: Would you put *both* your names, please?...
- [to phone]
- Basil Fawlty: Well, will you give me a *date*?
- Lord Melbury: Er... I only use one.
- Basil Fawlty: [with a withering look] You don't have a first name?
- Lord Melbury: No, I am *Lord* Melbury, so I simply sign myself "Melbury".
- [there is a long, long pause]
- Basil Fawlty: [to phone] Go away.
- [puts phone down]
- Basil Fawlty: ... I'm *so* sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship... I *do* apologize, *please* forgive me. Now, was there something, is there something, anything, I can do for you? Anything at all?
- Sybil Fawlty: [on the phone] I know... I know... I know... Oh, I know!
- Basil Fawlty: Then why is she telling you?
- Basil Fawlty: Do you remember when we were first *manacled* together? We used to laugh quite a lot.
- Sybil Fawlty: Yes, but not at the same time, Basil.
- [she leaves him alone]
- Basil Fawlty: Well, that was a warning, wasn't it? Zhoom! What was that? That was your life, mate. Oh, really, do I get another? No, that's your lot mate. Back to the World of dreams...
- Basil Fawlty: Polly, what's that smell?
- Polly: Flowers, I just got them from the garden.
- Basil Fawlty: Well, what are you stinking the place up with those for? What's happened to the plastic ones?
- Polly: Being ironed.
- Basil Fawlty: Next contestant, Mrs. Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject - the bleeding obvious.
- Basil Fawlty: Right, well I'll go and have a lie down then. No I won't; I'll go and hit some guests.
- [Basil has accidentally set off the burglar alarm during the fire drill, guests start walking out of the building thinking it's the fire alarm, but Basil stops them all in the lobby]
- Mrs. Wilson: Oh I thought that was the drill.
- Basil Fawlty: Yes there is, at twelve o'clock.
- Mrs. Wilson: But, it is twelve o'clock.
- Basil Fawlty: Well not quite.
- [to guests that try to leave]
- Basil Fawlty: Excuse me!
- Mrs. Wilson: Well, I make it twelve o'clock.
- Basil Fawlty: [to guests] Im afraid that wasn't the...
- Mrs. Wilson: What time do you make it, Major?
- Basil Fawlty: [annoyed] Look...
- Major Gowen: Burglars about, I think.
- Basil Fawlty: Look, it doesn't matter what time he makes it, it hasn't started yet.
- Mrs. Sharp: What?
- Basil Fawlty: It hasn't started yet!
- Mrs. Sharp: But, that was the bell wasn't it?
- Basil Fawlty: No!
- Mrs. Wilson: He means the *drill* hasn't started yet.
- Mr. Sharp: What drill? We didn't hear a drill.
- Basil Fawlty: [trying to explain] No, no no no, look, look - that was the burglar alarm.
- Major Gowen: See!
- Mrs. Wilson: The burglar alarm?
- Basil Fawlty: Yes!
- Mrs. Wilson: Are there burglars?
- Major Gowen: Evidently!
- Basil Fawlty: [increasingly annoyed] No! Look, what's the matter with you all? It's perfectly simple: we have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell- That wasn't the fire bell!
- Mr. Sharp: Well, how are we supposed to know that wasn't the fire bell?
- Basil Fawlty: Because, it doesn't sound like the fire bell.
- All guests at once: It did.
- Basil Fawlty: It didn't!
- Miss Gatsby: And don't do anything *we* wouldn't do!
- Basil Fawlty: Oh, just a little breathing, surely.
- Basil Fawlty: It's almost worth staying alive for little moments like that, isn't it Sybil? I know it's true because I read it on the back of a matchbox.
- Sybil Fawlty: I can't abide cruelty to living creatures.
- Basil Fawlty: I'm a creature and you can abide it to me.
- Sybil Fawlty: You're not living.