- George W. Bush: I'm gonna be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That's 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.
- George H.W. Bush: [talking about George W. Bush] You always were a little bit slow. The doctors call it dyslexia. But when you were younger we just called it retardation...
- Church Lady: [interviewing Anne Heche] So, Anne; you call yourself "bisexual". I guess that means that when you reach your little hand down the front of someone's pants, you're happy with whate-e-ver you find.
- [repeated line]
- Stuart Smalley: ...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me!
- Kevin Nealon: In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass.
- Joe Piscopo: Good evening. I'm Joe Piscopo. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the death of President John F. Kennedy. We've brought together these three people to share with us their members of the day they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Jim, let's start with you. What were you doing when you heard President Kennedy had been shot?
- James Belushi: Well, I was in college and I was walking across the quad to call and this guy runs up and says 'President Kennedy has been shot', so I...
- Joe Piscopo: Wait; how old are you?
- James Belushi: I'm 26. So anyway, I went looking for a TV and...
- Joe Piscopo: Wait a minute. You're telling us you were in college at age 6?
- James Belushi: No, I was 19. Anyway...
- Joe Piscopo: Wait a minute! You didn't know President Kennedy had been shot until eight years ago?
- James Belushi: Well, hey now; you know, I was busy with school and girls and playing sports and stuff and I really wasn't into current events.
- Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this. Mary, when did you find out President Kennedy had been shot?
- Mary Gross: Well, Joe, in light of what just happened, I'm ashamed to admit that Jim told me right before the show started.
- James Belushi: [chuckling] What a dork, eh Joe?
- Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this! This was one of the most important events of the 20th century and you people are totally clueless!
- Tim Kazurinsky: [shocked] Wait a minute! President Kennedy is dead? How? When?
- Joe Piscopo: Yes! My God, He was shot in Dallas!
- Tim Kazurinsky: Oh, no! No! Please, No!
- [begins crying uncontrollably and hanging onto the other guests]
- Tim Kazurinsky: President Kennedy is dead!
- Joe Piscopo: [shaking his head] This is Joe Piscopo; good night.
- Danny DeVito: Lighten up, Church Lady. You act like you haven't had your ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs.
- Parent: My kid saw that Tim Allen movie nine times. He loves Santa.
- Dan Aykroyd: Kid, let me tell you something. I did time with Tim Allen. He's real people but he's no Santa Claus.
- Norm Macdonald: A new medical report says that drug use is up in high school students.
- [Norm holds up a handful of money]
- Norm Macdonald: [slyly] Don't I know it?
- Sean Connery: Knock, knock.
- Alex Trebek: Who's there?
- Sean Connery: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night!
- Tim Meadows: Did he say anything about people getting hurt?
- Lorne Michaels: He said something after the ratings thing, but I really wasn't listening.
- Host: Good evening. I'm Lawrence Flyshacker, and welcome to, "The Real Story." Tonight we continue our series on the U.S. Presidents. You know history often whitewashes itself? For example, for years it was thought that Thomas Jefferson was a man, and that his wife slept around... whereas we now know the opposite to be true. Tonight we'll go behind another of history's myths to learn, "The Real Story."
- Abraham Lincoln: [Lincoln enters Ford's Theatre box, loudly and apparently drunk] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.
- [plops into his seat]
- Abraham Lincoln: Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
- General: That's perfectly all right, Mr. President.
- Abraham Lincoln: [Throwing his arm around his wife's shoulders] Hey, hey, hey, is this a First Lady or WHAT, huh? I just hope I'm her first man!
- Mary Lincoln: Abraham, please, the play!
- Abraham Lincoln: Oh, I've seen it five times, Mary...
- Theatre patron: Yeah, well, some of US haven't!
- Abraham Lincoln: [stands up and jeers him] Oh, well, hey, pardon me, pal, huh? What am I, just the President of the United STATES!
- Abraham Lincoln: [loudly eating a candy bar; audience shushes him] SORRY! Oh, hey, I love this part! I love this. Watch this. Listen to how she tells this jerk off. Watch this.
- Abraham Lincoln: [calls toward the stage] Hey, hey! You tell him, honey! YEAH! WHOOOOO!
- [sits back down]
- Abraham Lincoln: Some people, they just don't know how to enjoy theatre.
- Theatre patron: Hey, quiet down, will ya?
- Abraham Lincoln: [stands up] Hey, stick it here, pal!
- [knocks drink and popcorn off balcony]
- Abraham Lincoln: Whoa!
- Theatre patron: Watch it!
- Abraham Lincoln: Hey, I'm sorry, pal! Look, send me your cleaning bill! To my GETTYSBURG ADDRESS! Ah, ha ha ha ha!
- General: Mr. President, Mr. President, I understand that the young woman taking the role of Sarah tonight is the talk of Washington.
- Abraham Lincoln: Oh, yeah?
- [looks through opera glasses]
- Abraham Lincoln: WHOA, YEAH! Hey, I thought mine eyes had seen the glory, but get a load of that babe!
- [stands up and waves toward stage]
- Abraham Lincoln: Hey, hey, hey, angelpuss! Whooo, whoo, whoo! Up here, huh?
- Theatre patron: [Confederate accent] Will you shut up, suh?
- Abraham Lincoln: [stands up] Hey, hey, you gonna do something about it?
- Theatre patron: I may, suh!
- Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, you and what Confederate Army, cracker-barrel?
- Theatre patron: I warned you, suh!
- Abraham Lincoln: [losing temper] Yeah, well, why don't you come up here and do somethin'? What, what are you gonna do, shoot me, pal, huh?
- Host: And the rest is history. Please join us next week on "The Real Story" for "Hiroshima: Insurance Fraud of the Century".
- Amy Poehler: [On Weekend Update] USA Today reports that Britney Spears may once again be pregnant. Britney, Kevin; on behalf of all of the people on earth, stop repopulating! Brad and Angelina, Okay; but Britney and Kevin, please stop; now.
- Ross Perot: Now, I think the deficit is like a crazy old aunt that lives in the cellar: everybody knows she's down there, but nobody wants to talk about her. Well, I say bring her on up and give the bitch a good hosing.
- Langford T. Belmont: So when it comes time to fix that refrigerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don't want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.
- ["Weekend Update" opening]
- Norm MacDonald: Good evening, this is the fake news.
- Tina Fey: In other news, Courtney Love took out a restraining order against an alleged stalker this week. Courtney, please, I know we can work it out if you'll give me a chance, please.
- [blows a kiss]
- Tyrone Green: Dark and lonely on a summer's night. Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Watchdog barking. Do he bite? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Slip in his window. Break his neck. Then his house I start to wreck. Got no reason. What the heck? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. C-I-L my land lord!
- Dan Aykroyd: I'm Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is the subject of tonight's Point Counterpoint. Jane will take the Pro-Michelle Triola Point, while I take the Anti-Michelle-Triola Counterpoint.
- Jane Curtin: Dan, times change, and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days, and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them? But the lack of a sheet of paper does not mean the lack of a total committment. A woman in this modern-day relationship may well give up all her own personal pursuits; as Michelle Marvin claims she did; to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: Behind every successful man, there's a woman. A loving, caring, giving, woman. But you wouldn't know anything about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure.
- Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut. Bagged-out, dried up slunk meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules: if you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuity means nothing to someone like you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap Ham Radio. But Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, rapacious swamp sow, is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle Triola are saying is, while you're on your backs, the meter's running. Well, please spare us galls, and tell us the rates at the top. Then we can choose which two-bit parts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.
- Julia Child: Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed... am I saying that right? Bar-mitzvahed? Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife!
- [She holds chicken and cuts along it with a sharp knife]
- Julia Child: Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so...
- [She suddenly drops the knife]
- Julia Child: Crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened...
- [Blood squirts out of her hand onto the chicken]
- Julia Child: We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding.
- [She holds her apron over her hand]
- Julia Child: The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so...
- [Blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen]
- Julia Child: Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up.
- [Blood continues to squirt, going everywhere]
- Julia Child: Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver...
- [picks up the chicken liver]
- Julia Child: Remember not to throw away the liver!
- [Blood gushes over the chicken liver]
- Julia Child: Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone...
- [She wraps a towel and a chicken bone around her hand]
- Julia Child: Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much!
- [the blood keeps on squirting. She starts to get a little woozy]
- Julia Child: If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left...
- [She hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up]
- Julia Child: Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere...
- [She looks at her phone]
- Julia Child: This one doesn't! 9-1-1!
- [She tries to dial the number, but can't]
- Julia Child: Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work!
- [She drops the phone, becoming increasingly woozy]
- Julia Child: That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I... had a dog named Admiral... and I used to give him liver... and my mother gave me a doll...
- [She starts tipping from side to side and stares blankly at the audience]
- Julia Child: Why are you all spinning? Uh... I think I'm going to go to sleep now... bon appetit...
- [She falls headfirst onto the counter on top of the chicken, but manages to jump up one last time]
- Julia Child: Save the liver!
- [She falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying]
- Jimmy Fallon: Folks, we got our intern Sanji joining us. Now Sanji loved your movie. What do you think, Sanji?
- [In Indian accent]
- Jimmy Fallon: Ra da da da da da da da da da. Oh my God, I loved New York Minute. I love it, my favorite movie.
- Ashley Olsen: Thank you, Sanji.
- Jimmy Fallon: [as Radio DJ] No wait a minute. Sanji, you actually liked the movie?
- [as Sanji]
- Jimmy Fallon: Oh yes. New York Minute, a very good movie. Ra da da da da da da da.
- [In black accent]
- Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, hold up.
- [In regular voice]
- Jimmy Fallon: Uh oh, Tyrone Washington, our weather guy is just joining us.
- [as Tyrone]
- Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, the only reason why your Arab ass liked that movie is because it was set in New York and it was a bomb.
- [as himself]
- Jimmy Fallon: Now Tyrone, come on man, that was below the line.
- [as Sanji]
- Jimmy Fallon: You son of a bitch, I am not an Arab. I told you this many times.
- [as Tyone]
- Jimmy Fallon: Oh yeah then why do you got a turbin on your head?
- [as Sanji]
- Jimmy Fallon: I told you I am a sheik. Why do you wear that Mets jersey? You play for the freaking Mets?
- [as another man]
- Jimmy Fallon: I think Sanji's gonna blow up the place, y'all.
- [as Tyrone]
- Jimmy Fallon: I will kill you!
- [as Sanji]
- Jimmy Fallon: I don't know what to do. Ra da da da da da da.
- [as himself]
- Jimmy Fallon: Hey guys, guys, guys. Calm down. Calm down.
- Dennis Miller: [after Jon Lovitz returns to the "Weekend Update" desk to lick his face] Licked by Lovitz... what concentric circle of hell is that?
- [on "Weekend Update", the FBI's sketch of the Unabomber is shown]
- Norm Macdonald: Earlier this week, the FBI released this sketch of the Unabomber. Shortly afterward, a warrant was issued for the arrest of "Weird Al" Yankovic.
- Kevin Nealon: [adding onto a report on the Weekend Update] ... and in addition, two plus two equals four.
- Jackie Rogers Jr.: This is the most effective memory enhancement drug on the market. It'll improve your short-term memory. It'll improve your long-term memory. And most of all, it'll improve your short-term memory.
- George H.W. Bush: [during the 1988 Republican Presidential Debate] See, See! That's why people say Bob Dole is mean spirited; because of things like that!
- Bob Dole: Now, hold on a minute, Mr. Bush. You know, I know, everyone knows where Bob Dole stands on the issues. I am not mean spirited; and if you call me that again, I'll stick my pen up your ass.
- George H.W. Bush: [training Dubya on how to speak to the press] Now, son, try it again.
- George W. Bush: No, you're giving me a headache! Can I just go get a Pop-Tart?